Insurance Is a Scam

If you aren't a full time employee for a larger more lucrative company you probably understand the struggle to obtain and afford health insurance.

I had 3 options this year.  Two of which would have cost me $1000 / month in insurance premiums just to cover me.  That is only a few dollars less than my house payment!  I honestly can't imagine actually paying that every month even if I never saw a doctor.

If I were dirt poor I could get free healthcare.  If I was upper middle class or rich I would pony up $1000 a month and not think twice.  I mean insurance is important.  I am a responsible adult.  I would feel irresponsible to just go without.  Hell, with my luck, I would surely come down with cancer if I didn't have insurance.  I do have a house and some saving so I could lose everything I worked my whole life for if I should get a serous illness without any insurance.

I figured out I could get my insurance through the ACA (Affordable Care Act).  Technically you are not supposed to use the ACA for insurance if you have other options.  But my other options weren't totally legit.

So....I signed up for the cheapest plan I could find since I haven't been to the doctor more than once a year for the last decade.  My cost is $550 / month, still high but almost half of the other options.  The catch is, it won't cover prescriptions and it has a $7000 deductible.  If I never need to see a doctor the deductible is not an issue.  I figured out that I could get my blood pressure medication from Wal-Mart for $20 a month with out insurance!

I thought the problem was solved.....

Then came the knee injury (of course it did).  With all the doctor visit (which I worked hard to limit) and the surgery the total expense is just a bit more than $7000.  I have no doubt insurance companies know that most people will not spend more than $7000 a year and thus they won't have to pay a dime.  On top of that they have tried to deny my MRI, my anesthesiologist and a bill for equipment used in surgery.  I will have to call them and challenge these denials.  I have learned the hard way that if you make a stink they will usually reverse the denial.  It's just another game they play so they don't have to pay the claims.  Imagine how difficult this is for people who don't have the time or the ability to make all the phone calls and put up a fight, old people, really sick people, people who don't speak English well, all these people are at a huge disadvantage.  Meanwhile the insurance companies make record profits and pay their CEO's millions.

This year I will spend about $15000 on healthcare between my insurance premium payments and all my actual medical bills.  That is 1/3 of my income.  That is an impossible amount to expect most people to pay.  I am lucky that I have savings and someone to help pay the household bills.  I can probably pull this off this year.....but what about next year?

At the same time JDK finds himself in the same situation with his knee surgery.   He is spending about $15000 out of pocket.  So that is $30k this year for our household and we had a couple of fairly simple, routine surgeries.  Imagine if we had cancer, kidney failure or some other major medical condition.  It would wipe us out.

I am truly fearful of how we will survive the next few years with this "insurance" system and even worse, what will we do when we are older or want to retire if things don't change?  Our parents have pension and guaranteed insurance from their life long careers, an option that is no longer available to most all Americans.  Thank God they are taken care of.

But, what will our old age look like?  Poverty despite our college degrees and a life of living frugally and making a good wage?  Why the hell do the insurance companies get to rob me of my life's savings?

Walking (part 3)

Before I even left the doctors office I texted JDK and my boss.  They were both shocked and relieved as well.

I drove home feeling almost high from the excitement / relief.  I was scared for surgery but elated that I would be able to walk again or maybe even run. 

That night I slept like a log for the first time in months.  My anxiety about what life was going to be like if I it really was just a bad knee that couldn't be fixed and I would spend the rest of my life limping was gone.

After a few days the euphoria wore off and it hit me that the doctor would not have found the tear if I had not asked to see the slides. Later a friend explained that the tech reads the MRI and writes up a summary and the doctors don't usually look at the actual pictures, they just read the report.

I started to get angry.  Angry that the tech could have missed it.  Maybe the tech should be reprimanded?  Angry that it took 3 doctors and a whole lot of pushing to be taken seriously.  Angry that because I wasn't young or injured in a dramatic accident (think taking a huge hit during a soccer game) the medical community just assumed it was arthritis.  Heck, later the doctor assistant guy showed me the pictures from the surgery and told me my arthritis isn't even that bad!

Another thing I figured out was that because it never really swelled much they assumed it wasn't injured.  But I have never been a sweller.  I didn't get fat fingers when I was pregnant. I just don't swell easily.  In hind sight I should have told them it was really swollen most of the time and it was a fluke that it wasn't very swollen the day I was in the office.

Anyway, they did the surgery.  Turns out it wasn't detached, it was just a tear so they cut off the flap.  A fairly simple surgery with an easy recovery.  I went to PT a couple of times and started going to the gym regularly.  I have been cycling and walking and my knee feels better every day.

The biggest problem I have been faced with is the atrophy of the muscles from basically not walking for months.  I only walked when absolutely necessary from the time the shot wore off until after surgery.  After my first long walk (3 miles) I was actually sore....from walking.....just walking around chatting with my friends.

The other day I walked all over the Home Depot store and it filled me with joy to be able to do my shopping and look around and not be plotting the shortest route to get me off my feet again.

Walking is important people!

Last weekend I finally got my road bike out and did a hilly 20 mile ride. My knee was fine and my pace was impressive given that I haven't ridden hills in a year.  I have been riding the flat trail a lot.  Hardest part was breathing.  No cardio endurance at all.....but that will come back.

Walking (part 2)

I called the only orthopedic group in town that takes my insurance and begged for a new doctor.  I asked for a knee doctor, a sports doctor.  Anyone besides the last asshat who wouldn't listen to a word I said.  I actually had to get the jerky old doctors permission to switch!

On June 19th I saw a new doctor.  This time I was going to impress on him that walking was scary, that my knee would give out, that my knee swelled up like a bowling ball, etc.

He didn't seem impressed UGH!.....but agreed to order an MRI.  I could tell that he didn't think anything was really wrong either, but I put my faith in the pictures and hoped the MRI would finally show them I had a real issue and needed help.

The day he called with my results I wasn't by my phone and when I called back he was gone for the day.  (do any doctors actually work all day on Friday?)  I had all weekend to strew.  His message was certainly not the "We found it" I had hoped for so I was scrambling for what to do next.

I researched knee issues and decided it was probably a meniscus issue but assumed that would show up on an MRI.  I memorized the terms listed for Meniscus tear symptoms so I would use the right words.  On Monday I finally got a hold of the doctor who was still being all meh about it.  I complained of the popping and the pain and mostly my inability to walk without fear of my knee collapsing.  I stressed that "I am too young to give up walking!"  He finally said it might be a good idea to talk to a surgeon just in case I needed arthroscopic surgery.  I said I'll take it.  (in hind sight I think he wanted to shuffle me off so he didn't have to deal with me)

The office phoned me to make another appointment, this time with a true knee surgeon.  Surely this guy would see the MRI, find the issue and things would be better.  It was another couple of weeks before I could get in to see him.  In the meantime I asked my Facebook friends if he was a good surgeon and happily found him reliable.

At this point it is mid July.  I have been in pain since mid January.  I have not walked right since the cortisone shot wore off in mid April.  I have not slept well in 6 months due to pain.

I arrive on time for my appointment and a nurse ushers me back.  She sets me down in the exam room and starts asking me questions.  This time I brought a list of symptoms, a time line of events, as well as a list of what i think it is and what my goals are.  GO ME!

She takes her notes and leaves and another fellow shows up.  It's Dan the doctors assistant.  He asks me all the same questions again.  At this point I'm feeling like they are just giving me some attention so they can let me down easy with the same old story that it is just arthritis.

Finally the surgeon came in.....asks me all the questions AGAIN.  I run him through my notes.  He does a quick exam and says the popping is from arthritis.  By now my hopes that they found the issue have faded and I am feeling very let down and desperate.  I asked him to see the x-rays and the MRI.  So he runs and gets his laptop and shows me the x-rays first.  He make a huge point of showing me the arthritis.  Yea, yea...I know I have arthritis but I had that in December and I could still run.  Grrr

Next he shows me the MRI.  He flips through each slice pointing out the arthritis again and then he starts to show me where the meniscus is.  I know where it is because I studied the internet before I came in but I diligently listen as he points to the gray photos.  Then, all of a sudden he points to the inside of the meniscus and shows me a spot that is darker.  He says "looks like your meniscus is detached on the inside.  No wonder you have been in pain!" 

The relief that washed over me was palatable and I thanked him profusely for finding the issue.  He wanted to get me scheduled for surgery the very next week.  I was overwhelmed with emotion.  My heart was racing and I may have started crying a bit.  Finally, FINALLY, proof that I was really injured and not being a whiny old lady with arthritis! 

Walking (part 1)

Last November I ran 100 miles.  This used to be the norm, but in the past few years it had gone by the wayside for a number of reasons. 

Last December I ran 100+ miles also.  (point is I could run.)

Then in early January we had a two day long super wet big snow storm.  I volunteered to shovel because JDK was still recovering from a broken ankle.  I thought it was a good way to get some exercise since we couldn't drive to the gym or get outside to run or bike.

So for two days, multiple times a day, I heaved big scoops of wet snow off my driveway and side walk.  It was fun but it wore me out.  It is not a motion that I train to do so, of course, it made me sore.

My knees were bothering me the most but I wasn't alarmed, I know I have some crappy old knees.  I assumed if I rested them for a while they would bounce back and all would be fine.  But, after weeks of lounging around the house my right knee was still really bothering me. 

So then I decided that I would just get back to normal activities and see what happened.  Maybe that would bring me back to normal.  I started doing my normal runs again but every run was a struggle and my knee just felt wrong.  At times it felt like it wanted to come lose or it was lagging behind.  It was a weird sensation.  It hurt but not sharply.  It wasn't swollen so I assumed it couldn't be too serious.

By March my right knee was no better so I finally decided to see a doctor.  My appointment was on March 28th in the morning.  I gingerly walked in and they took some x-rays.  I then sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor.  It wasn't long before he burst in the room, introduced himself and did a very quick physical exam of my knee.  He assured me nothing was broken, torn or pulled and that it was just old age.  I expressed my concern that it was more than that and he quickly shut me down.  He ordered a cortisone shot, told me I might want to give up running and then vanished so fast I was reeling.

I left the office feeling ignored and defeated.  If this was old age how was I going to manage the rest of my life?  I didn't come in because I was annoyed by a little pain, I came in because I was not able to function normally.  I was in constant pain, especially when I drove or slept and I was struggling to run at all.

Within 24 hours the shot kicked in and the pain left and I felt so much better.  I got back to my normal life and for a few weeks things were fine.  I ran with my friends and started to feel healthy and normal again.  I was just getting back my conditioning when the shot wore off.  It was April 18th when my knee just started hurting again.

The following day I went to the Walmart and ran into an old friend.  We chatted for a bit by the exit and then headed to our cars.  I then remembered I had some free sandwich cards and decided to share a few with her.  I was lightly jogged across the parking lot to catch her when it felt like my knee gave way and I almost collapsed.  It was a horrible pain and I was relieved I didn't fall to the ground in front of all the people entering and exiting the store.  I limped over to her and she was aghast at my face.  I was grimacing in pain and explained I had just hurt my knee.  I then limped back to my car and headed home in tears.

A few days later I saw my neighbor in his driveway and decided to run a free sandwich card over to him.  As I started to cross the street I realized I better just walk not jog because the knee.  I caught him and gave him the card and we chatted for a bit.  Then as I turned to come home my body moved and my foot didn't and once again I had the terrible pain and it felt like my knee gave way.  This time I couldn't support any weight on it.  I stood there on one leg and tried to downplay the situation.  I was hoping that once the sting wore off I could hobble home.  But after a long while I still couldn't bare any weight.  My neighbor wrapped his arm around me and helped me get back home. This was the worst pain of the whole situation.  I could not put weight on my leg for abut 24 hours.  When I finally did hobble on it. I had to hold my leg just so or it would not work.

Unfortunately  JDK was scheduled to have surgery on his knee just two days after my knee shot craps in the neighbors driveway.  I dutifully drove him to surgery and put my needs aside.  For the next few weeks he recovered at home and I just limped around feeling too overwhelmed to even think about calling a doctor.  He could not walk at all so I did EVERYTHING around the house including brining him food and drinks, etc.

At the end of May, I decided I could do a fun group bike ride on the Katy trail (think flat and slow) and afterwards my knee swelled up like a bowling ball.  I knew something was really wrong and I needed to get a real doctor to pay attention.

Time

Hello Blog world.

I finally have my work life under control and have some spare time.  YAY!  Go me.

Sadly, I don't think anyone blogs much anymore.  It's a shame. I miss blogging.  I miss the systematic fussing over how I feel and what I want to say about it, project, capture, process.

It can be so therapeutic.

AND...it is also a good way to record what is going on so you can reflect on it later.

Ever notice when you look back and read old posts you see things in a different light.  That time and space has taught you something.  Or that nothing has changed even though you thought it had.

Ever read an old post and think "Wow I thought it was the end of the world and that was just crazy."

Sometimes I find posts about things I totally forgot about.

In some ways it is fun and challenging to go back and sift through your past in the details you felt were important enough to record at the time.  It's certainly a unique perspective.  LOL

I wish I had recorded more information about the past two years.  A lot has happened.  A lot of ups and downs.  I may still try to put some of them down.  We will see.

Lately I think of the perfect thing to blog about at around 3 am.  Then, I contemplate getting out of bed so I can make some notes.  BUT then I think better of it as I don't want to wake anyone or draw attention to what I am writing about.  Then I vow to recall this wonderful idea in the morning but that never works.  I wake up and can't for the life of me recall what that fantastic statement I wanted to make was.

Communication

In mid April, JDK and I had a HUGE fight.  It all started when I sent him a link to this article.   At the time I had decided that conflict avoidance was the root of our issues.  In my mind it answered the ever lingering question of why we can't communicate properly.

This is how I had it figured out: First, he has always been loath to talk about anything personal or intimate, especially if it might bring up some strong emotions.  So maybe the reason he doesn't tell me what he is really thinking is because he just wants to keep the peace.  He assumes that if he expresses his feeling that it will start a fight so he just keeps his mouth shut.  However, then he acts out in other ways by pouting, distancing or passive aggression.  All of those things upset me and I feel that I am not allowed to explain my feelings because he HATES to talk so I keep my feelings to myself which drives me crazy so then I act out accordingly.  It is not my nature to hold it all in......I like the truth at all costs.

So....He doesn't want to communicate; he makes me feel I am not allowed to communicate, therefor no one is communicating but plenty of feeling are in the air creating tons of misunderstanding and animosity.

After a while I find it harder and harder to push my feeling down and eventually I erupt and we have a fight.  The fight further solidifies in his mind that communication is bad AND, on top of that, he feels wronged because he has been so "good" to me by not criticizing me for anything or airing his hurt feelings (directly). Simultaneously I am frustrated because I desperately want an open and honest relationship yet he just refuses to participate.  I then feel that my attempts to communicate backfire completely and I need to try harder to shut up, pipe down and not express my feelings.

See how this can be a vicious cycle!?!?

This also gets him off the hook for many of the things he does that seem totally jerky to me; things I interpret as him not really caring for me much at all.  For example, when he doesn't seem to care where I am or what I am doing or who I am with I view that as him just not caring about me or our relationship.  However, in his mind maybe he feels that to ask or express concern could start a fight so he just keeps quiet.  He does this to keep the peace....which is way better than doing it because he just doesn't give a fuck.  (thinking back to all the time I spent with Kevin and JDK never ever seemed to mind.)

So, I find the article and I send it to him with hopes that maybe it will open his eyes to this cycle he has put us in and understand that not communicating is BAD, not good.

The next day I ask if he read it and if we can talk about the article.  He says yes and then starts a huge fight.  I told him more than once I didn't understand why he was being so hostile and he said "you want to fight, I'll give you a fight!!!!"  I calmly told him repeatedly that he needed to re-read the article (I suspect he just read the title) and understand that I am just asking for communication.  Eventually he sucked me in and we had a HUGE fight; the worst one we have ever had.  It left me very shaken and really doubting everything.  That night it felt like he was just out to get me which is a huge shift given his normal apathy.

After days and days of reflection I have come to the following conclusions:
1)  The article isn't really the problem.  He doesn't have an issue with confrontation if he feels it is in HIS best interest.    However, he has decided that mostly it is in HIS best interest not to communicate, so he actively avoids it.  This is done out of selfishness, not to keep the peace.  Or maybe, in a way, keeping the peace is a selfish act.  He just doesn't want to deal with my feelings.
2) He is a self centered, only child and it is VERY hard for him to "give" to others. I think his mind wants to be a better person but it is hard for him to fend off the selfish habits he has grown to love over the years.
3) I think he dearly loves our daughter and really wants to do what is best for her.
4) I think he loves me in his own way.  He doesn't view romantic love like I do.  I think he is used to me.  I think after all these years I feel comfortable to him.  I think he is very happy with me as long as I am agreeable and give him sex.  All the other things between us seem to work pretty well.  Mostly I am giving and not demanding and that satisfies him.
5) I think he likes an intact family and wants a stable happy home for all three of us.  So that is good.  He basically wants what I do.....at least in his mind.
6) His anger that night was an anomaly.  I am not concerned that it was a glimpse into his true character.

During the fight I expressed my concern that he seems to have a lack of commitment to me...as his "spouse" (or what ever I am supposed to be).  I explained the whole money for rent thing to him...I vs. Us attitude.  He told me he was totally willing and happy to have a joint account like we had discussed.  He said I dropped the subject and he didn't know why so he just rolled with it.  (This is how lack of communication works to his advantage....if he is never clear about what he wants he can later claim I just misread him.)  He said his feeling where hurt when I asked him to start paying rent.

See how this is frustrating for me?  I didn't beat him over the head with the idea so now it was my idea to let it go.  He takes no responsibility for how it worked out.  He gets to claim he is an innocent  victim.

GRRRR

He told me that he doesn't want to commit becasue I am never happy with him.  That no matter what he does it doesn't make me happy.  I told him that his lack of commitment is what makes me unhappy, so I guess we have a chicken and egg issue.

SO....I have set out to prove (or disprove) his theory.  I have been happy and loving for the last month, with the exception of the dang dog nail issue.  I have just decided to be happy with how things are because it does no one any good to be unhappy.  I figure if I am happy for the next 6 months or year or whatever, he can't claim that me being unhappy is what fends him off.

I want to be happy and healthy and if he doesn't feel more committed in the next year or so I will be in a much better frame of mind to move on and look for a better situation.   I will feel I gave us a real chance and it didn't work.  I am not going to "play" family with him forever.  It's not right or fair.

Follow up to Crabby

The next day JDK and I talked about the dog nail incident.  He thought I had really over reacted so I explained that part of my reaction was frustration because I am rather sick of having to nag, for weeks, that the dog needs it's nails trimmed.  All the while Olive hobbles around the house on her nails and goes CLICK CLICK CLICK on my wood floors.

He admits he doesn't want to be a pet owner and doesn't want to do it.  I told him then he should take her to a groomer or vet and get it done by a professional.  He should just take her regularly so we can have a house with less drama.

He agreed!
...........and then tried to delegated it to me.  I told him it was his problem not mine; explaining that I don't want two dogs and didn't sign up for that and he should take care of her.  He said he would take care of it....we will see what happens.

Everyone is always trying to push off their work on me.  I have to say no.  I am always buried in my TO DO list.  I don't have time to get my own car fixed much less do everything for others.

The good news is that he was willing to discuss and problem solve.  The bad news is he really was completely clueless as to why I would have been upset with him.  Evidently when I remind him (calmly) over and over again it doesn't register to him that I could actually be frustrated that the issue lingers on for weeks and weeks with no resolution.

I have had this issue before.  I remember distinctly, about 25 years ago, telling the older kid's dad and Friss, who was a teenager at the time, that I was sick and tired of people not listening to me or taking me seriously until I erupted in a fit of rage; that communicating in a civilized manner was just ignored by everyone.  Not fair to me at all.  They essentially force me to be a crazy yelling person or let them walk all over me.

The only reason JDK got the dog was because he expected Roslyn to take care of it.  Then when she left, he kept the dog because it was "Beanie's" dog.  That is where the problem started.  He got a dog for the kid knowing full well she would not take care of it.  If Roslyn was to care for it, it should have been her dog and she should have taken it with her.

My dog, which my daughter loves and plays with, is MY dog and I am responsible for her.  I signed up for that when I brought her home as a puppy. I do what needs to be done for her.  I do not expect other to do it for me.  I trained her to be a good companion for me.  I taught her to behave while I cut her toenails. 

His dog has not been trained at all.   She won't walk on a leash without pulling, she barks too much and she doesn't come if called, etc etc.  She is a pain in the ass and is a bad influence on my dog..

Crabby

Seems like when I am crabby I want to write a post.
Maybe it's just a way for me to release the pressure?
Isn't that what this blog is for?

Then I think to myself......... "self, don't just be bitchy over and over again on the blog, that's not cool, that's not who you are." 

So, of course, I don't post.
Feeling judged is something I spend way too much energy on.
Brene Brown needs to do a Vulcan Mind Meld on me!

At this point....I am pretty sure there are very few people reading this so that is good
....or is it bad?

Maybe I overthink everything?????

**************

This morning I forced JDK to trim his dog, Olive's, toenails (after weeks of nagging and reminding...again...it's a constant and recurring issue.) They were so long that she was having problems walking on the tile floor. 

As part of the process I had to hold the dog down so he could do her nails because no one trained this dog that nail trimming is a thing you have to do every month or so and they just need to comply.

I'm laying on the dog, I'm holding her feet still so he can trim, I'm wishing I had 3 hands, and I am in so much pain.  I had a bike wreck about a week ago and I think I broke a rib.  I'm trying to lay on this 80 lbs. dog so it will be still and it freakin' hurts LIKE HELL.

Eventually, the dog rears up in a fit of rebellion and I clamp down, trying to do my job of holding her still, and the pain in my chest is overwhelming. 

I strengthen my hold on the dog and declare out-loud, cause it fucking hurts like hell,  that it hurts me like hell and I am loosing my cool.

Yes, I verbalized my pain and struggle instead of just sucking it up and swallowing the pain.

So...of course, everyone is then mad at me.  JDK and Beanie start hating me because, you know, I am not a constant ray of sunshine that spends all my energy being the upbeat awesome person they want me to be.  You know how they deserve my unconditional love and support.  How dare I not make them feel happy and supported 24/7.

Meanwhile the dog actually realizes how pissed I am and settles down a bit.   GRRR

The whole thing is ridiculous.  Think about it.  I am on my broken rib holding down a dog for it's own good, even though it doesn't want to, making the owner be responsible even though he doesn't want to be and then they are all mad at ME because I am upset that my broken rib is retching ME with pain. 

And people wonder why I am crabby. 

They both left the house angry at me.

Greed vs Love

Early in February JDK closed on his house and walked away with over $100k in cash.  I am not privy to the exact amount that he received.....I think it was more like $115-135..... at least.  The point is he aint broke, not even close.

About a week later I briefly, and ever so gently, brought up the subject of him helping pay bills around here and how we might set that up.  At the time he was busy or something (brushed me off?) and the discussion lasted a minute or less and resulted in nothing.  I dropped it, choosing instead to give him a chance to resurrect the conversation (like a good guy), which he never did.

The month of February passed and he contributed $-0- ZERO dollars to our household.  Meanwhile, I ordered some furniture for the basement (approx $800) and took the girls on a ski trip to Colorado, paid $150.00 for Beanie to join Girls On The Run AND paid all the household bills.

I had originally planned to open a new joint checking account that we would both pay into and then pay the household and kid bills out of.  It was a super fair and partner-ish way to do it.  I even envisioned us having a surplus to spend on fun family outings.

He never seemed to really care how it all worked out (nor want to discuss in the past year) so at some point I changed my mind and decided that really, if I am honest with myself, he isn't functioning as a spouse / partner and I need to quit treating him like one when he doesn't deserve it.  It is obvious he will take advantage of me financially if he can which is a blatant demonstration of how he has no real commitment to me.

So, I tallied up what half the bills would amount to...rounded UP heavily and told him he could just pay me that amount in "rent" on the first of every month.  I just emailed him today "hey, it's the first and time to pay your rent"  He said he would give me a check tonight.

Am I just being petty and pissy or is this really a huge issue.  I feel if he respected me and our relationship he would have volunteered to pay bills for February and been proactive in establishing the process going forward instead of just hanging back and waiting for me to make a move.  RIGHT?

My new plan has me coming out ahead monetarily $.
I can justify it and not feel too guilty because: I pick up all the small expenses, I pay for all the kids clothes, etc., he doesn't pay me the child support he is court ordered to pay and he doesn't have to actually pay all the bills (physically that is) just hand me a check once a month.  I do all the administrative duties so he doesn't have to.  It wasn't my first choice but he twisted my arm.   So...if I profit I can label this a WIN-WIN.

***************

In other news.....I lost my health insurance today.   I have been busting my ass with basically 3 part time jobs just in case something like this happened.  I have options but still, it sucks.  Stewing on the best way to handle it.

Valentines Day

Last weekend JDK and I spent hours putting all his household decor items up/away.  We hung art work, moved tables, discussed the plan over all for making the basement into a media room.  It all went really well and when we work together like this it makes me feel so good.  Two people that are supposed to be a couple should be able to discuss their needs and wants regarding how the house is decorated and agree on how to make the house a happy place that they both love to live in.

Last weekend the weather was icy and I didn't want to drive so JDK carted to the kid to a sleepover and a birthday party Sunday afternoon.  Saturday night (while the kid was at the sleepover) we stayed home and cooked together.  It was good.  We had a nice weekend except I ended up working 13 hours.  Man I hate working on the weekends.

This morning I finally went to the doctor for my knees.  I'm so glad I did.  I loved the doctor that my friend recommended and I am confident we know what is wrong and what to do.

this shows that I have really good cartilage for my age!

My knee caps out of alignment......and that can be fixed with P.T.

The good new is my knees look very healthy for my age.  The bad news is I have some muscle imbalances that are causing my knee caps to track incorrectly.  It should line up better with the bone there.  So In early March I will go see the physical therapist and learn all the fun exercises that should help fix this problem.  Maybe some day I will be able to do 150 wall balls without killing my knees!!

Valentines Day was a mix.  Beanie was super sweet and excited to make cards and her box for school.

This is the card she made me....on the fly....which basically says I'm not pregnant.  LOL

box for collecting cards at school...her own concept.  I didn't help at all.

JDK came home and was not particularly friendly.  At one point he says hes going downstairs because I want to be alone.  This is his way of excusing himself when HE wants to go downstairs alone and can't figure out how to say it....make it sound like he is doing me a favor.  RIGHT...grrrr

Later he came up and wanted to watch TV so we turned on a very cool documentary about the National Parks.  I was enjoying the show and he was watching me like a hark to see if i would fall asleep.  He likes to lull me to sleep so he can go off and do something without me.  I was very attune to his attempts and even asked him why he was watching me so hard, etc.  He denied of course.  I didn't fall asleep.

As soon as Beanie went to bed we climbed in bed where he read his tablet until he declared he was sleepy and rolled over and went fast asleep.  No kiss good night...nothing romantic or fun.  I sat up for a few hours fussing cause i was mad.

We had a bottle of champagne in the fridge that we had planned to open but he didn't bring it up and I didn't either.  I wasn't going to push him into paying attention to me.  He really didn't seem like he wanted to.  Just like the old days....my boyfriend doesn't seem to really like me much.  Sad

Looking At It Another Way

Last night I went out to dinner with an old freind.  We talked and talked and had the best time.  It was a much needed break from my family, my job and my house.

At one point we were discussing the cold icy winter we are having and I mentioned how I always look forward to spring and then bam, my allergies kick in and I think "crap, why was I looking forward to this?".  My friend laughed at this story.  It is one of those ironic things we do that is certainly funny if you choose to see it that way.  Then my friend says "oh oh and then as soon as your allergies pass it's 105 degrees and you're cooking to death!!""  YES!!  And we both laughed out loud.

Just a few days ago I said the same thing to JDK.  He gave me the "well aren't you a ray of sunshine" look.  He loves to point out how I am such a negative person.  But last night the same story elicited laughter.  So maybe it's not me.  Maybe it has something to do with the person listening!

I'm telling you, I am a fun person, when I am with fun people.  However, I am not so good as to be able to lift the mood of a down room or bring some people out of a funk.  I can try....but it's not my forte.

So, I need to remember, next time he starts to be down on me for not being light and fun enough, I will just keep in mind that maybe it's him not me that is the glum one.

_________________________

This morning I went and ran with my new running buddy Jamie.  We are developing a good "running" friendship.  She will never replace Stina (irreplaceable!)  but, she might turn into a great companion for running.  She is about 10 years younger than me so I am a little worried that if she gets in shape before I do I won't be able to keep up.  But, for now, we are both chugging along out there and exclaiming that we WILL get back in shape!

Communication and Moods

This house suffers from poor communication and way too many crappy moods.

I desperately want to fix both of these problems.  It is NO FUN to live like this.  If JDK isn't grumpy then Beanie is.  I try to keep my chin up and be positive but when the kid is being a total ass it is hard not to get aggravated.

Im going to start logging the ups and down so I have a record of what is really going on.

This morning (before Beanie was awake) JDK and I sat in bed and talked about what we wanted to do today and this weekend.  It was GOOD communication and made me feel happy.

Then Bean got up and was in a decent mood until her father told her that bread and cheese wasn't a great idea for breakfast.  She pushed and he finally gave in but then she said she didn't want breakfast and wallowed on the floor and balked at getting ready for school until the very last minute.  She actively bitched and tried to push our buttons.  SO FRUSTRATING. 

I feel that she acts like this most of the time.  Maybe I can find a pattern if I keep this log.

So this morning.....some good and some bad.

Now, I have to work!

I Once Owned 20 Wooded Acres

So it finally happened.  He closed on his house today at 8 am.  It's gone.  It feels weird.

I purchased that house, with it's woods, in the fall of 2002.  I had decided to shed the house that Rocco and I had bought together and move to something nicer.  I wanted a little land and a big screened in porch.  I accidentally stumbled upon the 20 acres with a fairly new home (no porch) just 4 miles from town on a paved road. The house wan't my style or what I would have built but it was only 6 years old so it seemed new and fancy to me.  The woods though....that was the thing.  They were amazing.  20 acres of fully wooded land, on a road that was literally a tree tunnel in the spring when the trees were thick with leaves.   It was my quiet paradise.  It cost more than I ever dreamed of spending but they happily loaned me the money (I have excellent credit) so I threw caution to the wind and bought it.

I moved in over Thanksgiving weekend and did 95% of the moving by myself with the borrowed company minivan.  It was miserable.  I swore that should I ever move again I would hire movers to do it for me no matter what the cost.

I remember the first night; I laid on my mattress on the floor looking out the window at the trees and cried because I was so sad and missing Rocco.  The windows didn't have curtains (they never had).  The stars shone bright in the sky.  I used to crack my window at night...so I could hear and feel my woods close to me.

That first winter I started making trails in the woods.  I loved it.  I would walk the woods and get a feel for the lay of the land and then I would plot a course that took rain drainage and tree placement into account.  I would clear the trail by hand with an ax, tree trimmer and hand clippers.  It was absorbing and just what I needed to funnel my grief into.  I had lost my son, my grandson and my soul mate.  My heart was soooo very heavy.  Some days I would cry all day as I worked alone in the woods.  It felts good to just pour it all out.

Some days I would wake at dawn and pull on my mud proof boots and just head out for the WHOLE day.  I remember standing in MY woods and swearing I would never leave them. 

--------
Flash forward to 2007 when I tried to sell the house/land.  I was expecting Beanie and had moved to be with her father.  I was ready to shed the responsibility of a large house on 20 acres.  When i purchased it I assumed that I wouldn't be single forever and that one day a nice fellow would join me in my wooded paradise.  But sadly it never happened and i wasn't up to it all on my own any more. 

Unfortunately I chose to try to sell my house just as the housing bubble burst and NO ONE was buying or selling shit.  Eventually JDK decided to sell his house, so we keep the house in the woods.  His starter home sold fairly quickly and I found myself giving the old house in the woods a make over so we could make it into our family home.

The colors we chose went with his belongings.  I was never much of a decorator.  His house was red, dark green and gold.  I'm not a fan of red so we used burnt orange at my house.  He painted the legs of this coffee table the color i chose to match our new home.  We worked hard and it looked good.  We even installed curtains.

Over the next few years he made the woods his territory while I watched our little girl who didn't care to spend much time outside.  I missed the woods but my heart was with my daughter now.

Last Tuesday I went and walked the woods one last time.  I remembered the hours / days I had spend in them alone....with their healing power.  I also remembered how JDK seemed to take them from me when he moved in.  I didn't feel they were mine anymore.  It sounds weird but my special place wasn't familiar to me anymore.  It was still beautiful.  Anselle and Brie are buried there.  So many memories over so many years.

He sold his furniture with the house.  He left that coffee table that he made himself (not store bought) behind.  It was a such a nice sturdy piece of furniture and I really did like it.  It doesn't go with our new house...and we don't have room to store it.  Sometimes it's good to let go of the past even if it feels weird and kind of sad.

Sleep In Peace Tikka

See how pretty and sweet my baby rat is!

This morning I said goodbye to my baby Tikka.  She was such a good little rat.  Always friendly and happy.  We got her around Christmas 2 years ago because we already had Brie (see picture below) and rats are social animals and I wanted them to be happy.

When we got them they were supposed to be Beanie's pets and she was supposed to take care of them and play with them, but as children do, her interest faded quickly and I was the one who feed them and let them out of their cage to explore.  They would always find Beanie on the couch and climb on her and she didn't like it.  I always enjoyed their company, passing them snacks to run back to their cage and stash for later.  Rats love to scavenge for food.  Ha - Imagine that!

Early last spring Brie passed away.  She was always a little "off" from the time we got her.  It think she was handicapped.  Once she was full grown her head had a funny tilt and was less active than Tikka.   Daddy buried her on his land at his house.

Tikka soldiered on but was lonely and i knew it.  It wasn't too long before Tikka got an ugly rash on her side.  I watched it, hoping it would go away on its own but it didn't.  Eventually it spread and so I took her to the vet.  We treated her for mites/parasites but her skin still didn't clear up.  The vet said she was chewing and scratching on herself so it was all self inflicted wounds.  At times she would bleed and it was so sad.  Then she got a tumor on her chest.  The vet said she was not in good enough health to operate.  We tried antibiotics to get he skin fixed and it didn't work.  In the long run she was suffering so we had to put her to sleep.

Rest in Peace baby Tikka.  We loved you so much.

Tikka and Brie

Let There Be Light

At my age you start to get fussy about having good lighting.  You want to be able to see shit and your eyes aren't as sharp as they used to be so good light makes a huge difference.

One of my favorite things about this house is the under cabinet lighting.  (I know I have mentioned it before.) It's awesome....I will never live without it again.

However, it has been a never ending project to keep the light bulbs in those under cabinet lights all on.  Seems one burns out every few weeks....and I hear they aren't cheap.  (Kevin used to be in charge of the light bulbs and now JDK is.)

JDK is a smart guy and he is a huge fan of LED lights.  Evidently they are expensive to buy but they use very little energy and last forever.  So instead of paying for new bulbs and electricity you pay up front for the LED bulb and then forgetaboutit.

So....my sweet "husband" JDK changed all the bulbs in the under cabinet lights to LED.  They are brighter and I can leave them on all the time and not feel bad that they cost $ or will burn out!!

This is one reason I think he is awesome!!

******
And last Tuesday I had an electrician install these bad boys in my bedroom. 

new LED can lights ON

new LED can lights off

When these suckers are on it is brighter than a thousand suns!!! You can find your earring in the carpet....You can sort your socks in the wee hours of the morn.  Lets just say it is all the light an old hag could ever want. 

GO ME!!!

A Tribute to the HyVee Guy

The day after D-Day I went to the closest gas station and purchased a pack of cigarettes.  I hadn't bought any in years and wasn't sure what I wanted.  The guy behind the counter, a thin, rather attractive middle aged man was so very helpful and friendly.  He noticed my eyes were red and swollen and considerately inquired if everything was OK.  I told him I found out my boyfriend was cheating and that my life was exploding.  He expressed his concern and sympathy, processed my transaction and spoke so kindly to me.  He really did make me feel better.  A little compassion can go such a long way.

Over the last few years he has always greeted me with a smile and friendly eyes, saying "hello darling, how may I help you?"  He smiled and acted truly happy to see me.  Once he gave me free cookies when I admired them at the checkout.

All this was friendly and never creepy.

On one occasion I stopped in on my way home from running.  He noted our common interest and told me how he used to be a runner but suffered a horrible motorcycling accident as a young man.  He literally died on the table but pulled through to thankfully survive...however he has not been able to run since due to his injuries.  I was touched by his story and willingness to share.

Today I happen to run in to him at the checkout in the HyVee grocery store.  He recognized me and gave me a warm hello.  He told me he is moving; retiring on February 20th, that he plans to visit friends and move to Texas and take up an old hobby of competitive shooting.

I was truly sad to hear he would be leaving but so happy to hear how excited he was for his future adventures.

As I left the store I mentally noted that I must stop by and see if I can get his name and address so I can keep in touch.  Maybe he is on Facebook and I can friend him.  I plan to tell him how much he has actually touched my life.  I hope to give him a big hug goodbye.

Some people just bring joy and light to other.  He is one of those people.  I feel lucky to have accidentally found myself in his aura.

I Guess The Sale IS On

Friday JDK got an official notice saying this is what they want fixed:

He forwarded it to me with the comment "not so bad".

Evidently you can "fix" the radon issue for about $1000 (per the real estate agent).  JDK thinks he may get insurance $ to put towards the roof.  I don't think he will because it is 20 years old but it's worth asking.   He filed a claim.  The buyers already contacted a pest company....OK...1 degree outside but whatever.  We can get the rest fixed pretty easily. 

So at this point I think it will sell.  Maybe not by the original closing date of February 8th but it looks like it will happen.  Yeah

I am so relieved.  JDK is back to normal.

I guess I over reacted. 

LOTS OF INSPECTIONS

He finally got all the house inspection reports and forwarded them to me at work today.  I read through them. 

Wood destroying insect inspection:  They did NOT find termites but did indicate there was some issues with carpenter bees living under the deck.  Well duh...the house is in the middle of the woods and bees are always trying to move in.  We have treated for them in the past and I am sure it is really no big deal.

Onsite waist water system inspection:  We have a lagoon for sewage.  They indicated that there were some erosion issues that needed to be fixed.

The actual Home Inspection:  They must have been there all day because the list of issues was very long.   A few we expected, a few surprises and some that were just plain silly.  The big issue was hail damage on the roof.  We knew about that.  Just reading the report made me feel sick to my stomach.

Radon Inspection:  This is something I have never heard of before but evidently we flunked the Radon inspection big time. 

I emailed him back something like "oh...now I feel sick".  I never heard from him the rest of the day.

I get home before him and braced myself for him to arrive drunk, depressed and hating life because of how poorly the inspections went.  I assumed he would be mulling over how much work he was going to have to do and be completely overwhelmed.

However, he walked in the house in a good mood and was all perky and friendly.  It didn't take long for me to bring up the inspections and he kind of laughed and told me the house wasn't going to sell and the Radon inspection was going to be a deal breaker.  I told him the Radon thing was all news to me and I have bought and sold 4 houses in my life.  I truly didn't understand what it was all about...what it meant....what we should do.  I wanted to discuss it and he treated me like a stupid child for not understanding the whole situation. 

I got upset with him being condescending and with the shock that the whole sale could be off.  I excused myself and retreated to the bedroom.

I just felt so blindsided with how it all happened...and the idea that the house sale was off made me realize how jazzed up I had become at the idea of being done with the two house payments and all the crap we have been dealing with for the last 2 years due to having two houses.

Let down and confused I cried myself to sleep.

Porn Addiction

I just popped into the man cave to tell JDK something and saw porn on his "training" computer.  This is the one he has set up in the basement for his bicycle training.  It is a computer that no one else in the house would use or mess with.  So I guess the chances of my daughter seeing are low.

However, I was rather shocked.  I thought he had given up the porn.  He has led me to believe he gave it up.  I didn't realize there was any in my house.  I didn't realize that he might be watching porn when I thought he was downstairs tinkering with bikes or lifting weights.

Just when trust was starting to grow....bam....

I feel like I was just punched in the gut.  It truly makes me ill at this point.

Oh I'm not some big prude.  I have watched porn in my lifetime and I have enjoyed it, but he has issues.  He is so preoccupied with sex.  Isn't he getting a little old for this crap?

And seriously, as long as he watches porn and craves that kind of sex there is no way i will feel comfortable being a middle aged, chubby, mom having sex with him.

He always wants the light on.  He always wants to watch.  He never seems thrilled to be having sex (like most men do) because he is a porn addict and I am not a porn star.

The whole time we are doing "it" he is probably thinking about all the cool things he saw in his movies that he wishes i would do.  Fuck that shit.  I'm not going to beg to suck his cock or tell him how great it tastes.

It makes me sick.  I am so sick of sex being turned into a fucked up production meant to turn men on and get men off not something that is intimate and special between two people who want to share love and closeness with each other.

Contract

JDK finally got an offer on his house.  It wasn't quite as much money as he was hoping for so of course he just had to make the comment about him "losing" money on the deal.  I didn't respond.  I know what he paid for the house.  He's not losing money....even after the commission.  No point in rehashing that crap.  I just decided I was pissed and made myself scarce.

Then I decided not to care again.  Whatever.  Not worth getting worked up about.

Friday he was moody and distance all day. Saturday he sulked around the house.  Such a familiar vibe...just like the good old days when we were married (sarcasm).    He projects this attitude like he hates everyone and everything and he wants to be left alone.  There is no point in trying to interact with him.

In the last 6 months he hasn't acted this way very often and if he did, it would pass within hours, or at most, a day and I could just let it slide.  But after a full 24 hours of this crap I was starting to feel almost irrationally not OK with it.  I dealt with this crap for years and I refuse to deal with it now.

I also know that change is hard for him and he is just stressing about getting this house sold with as little headache as possible.  I get it.

He did assure me (more than once) that he wants to sell it....he wants to be rid of it.

Saturday night we had a dinner date but before we headed to the restaurant he wanted to stop by his house.  When we got there he wanted me to come in the house with him but I told him I didn't want to.  He got angry.  I explained that the house is cold (thermostat is at 45) and that the car was warm.  He was just running in to turn on the water so he would only be a few minutes.  When he returned to the car I asked him why he was so mad and he explained (which is good...I'm glad he told me!) that Beanie hates going up there and complains whenever she has to and has been ZERO help in selling the house and that I am almost just as bad.  He said he feels like he has no support from us and this is ALL on him.

WELL.....

I sat there and pondered how I would respond and then I decided to be perfectly honest (even though I was sure it would ruin our night out):

1) YOU told me it was your house and your money and you made it quite clear that you didn't want to commingle funds.  So you told me it was all YOURS so why would I want to invest my time/energy/money in selling the house if you just plan to go off and plunk it in YOUR savings account?
2) The comments you made (more than once) last year regarding me "screwing" you over on the price of the house did nothing to motivate me to help you, especially since we are supposed to be back together.
3) We aren't married and you don't want to treat the proceeds like they are OURS.  If its going to be "mine" and "yours" what did you expect?

He wants me to invest like its for "us" yet he has spent so much time and energy making it clear that he views it as "his".   He didn't suddenly offer to share....nope, he plans to squirrel it all away for his future (with our without me).

On top of that, I am way busier than he is EVERY SINGLE DAY.  He has a cushy, great paying job that he can come and go as he pleases and take off when ever he wants.  If he needs to go work on his house he can just go.  My daily duties FILL my days.  I don't have that kind of spare time.  I do 99% of the work around the house we live in (this happens when you work from home).  I pay the cleaning lady, I do the dishes, cooking and laundry.  (Hell I should have mentioned that his is my way of helping him...by taking care of us EVERY damn day.)

I did tell him that I am planning on helping with the move (which he knows).  I will box, sort and sell most everything in his house before closing.  I'm not being a jerk about it.  I'm just not throwing myself into the situation...I'm not busting my ass to help him.

He's just a spoiled only child that wants everyone to do his bidding.

He told me repeatedly that he loves me and plans to spend the rest of his life with me, etc etc. and tried to make up as we drove to our dining local.  It softened me up a lot and we just dropped the subject and had a good dinner.

Today he has been in a better mood and even apologized for being so moody and stressed.

It is so much better than it used to be.  Yes, we still have our issues but at least now we can air them and move on relatively quickly.  It sure feels more like a real relationship and that is a good thing.

Another Year Flies by

I can't wrap my head around a year end recap.  But, here is a list of where I am as we end this year.

The Good

• For months now, JDK has been in an agreeable mood and seems to be genuinely investing in our family.
• JDK has been paying for my Cross-fit membership which is about $125.00 per month.  I appreciate the gesture given his history of being so stingy with his money.
• I'm earning a decent income while keeping my time flexible.  I can go on vacation when ever I want and I can afford it.  I have money to put on Friss's phone accounts and to pay for my daughters private school.  I  make my own daily schedule so I can pick Beanie up from school at 3:30 and take her to swim practice at 5 pm.
• For the most part I like the work I do, I like working at home and I like the people I work with.  
• Beanie is a healthy and bright 10 year old.  She is rarely sick and makes excellent grades.  
• Beanie has been on a swim team now for almost a year and is still pretty upbeat about swim practices.   I am so happy that she has a hobby that keeps her active 3 or 4 nights a week.  If not she would do nothing but sit and play with her tablet.
• I've been in a better mood.  I have been concentrating on working, keeping busy and not thinking too much.  When JDK acts "normal" it makes everything easier.

The Bad

• JDK's house hasn't sold yet; not even an offer.  He has been living here rent free for the past year.  (He buys the weekly groceries which he eats 95% of.)
• JDK quit paying his child support which is $300 / month.  I decided to quit asking for it each month which was always contentious.  I assume that if things work out it's not important and if they don't, I have a court order so I should be able to collect it from him later.  (Although...knowing how my life goes there will be some catch and I will be screwed.)
• I am having the hardest time getting motivated to eat right and exercise.  I am sure it is partly due to cold winter days, long winter nights and not having a gym I love anymore.  Working from home makes it more of a struggle to get out the door to run or go work out.  Also I don't have any fun workout pals which always helps.
• Even though JDK has been happier and more easy going, he struggles to engage in real meaningful conversation instead choosing to make silly comments and tease.  There are days I get sick of hearing him open his mouth and say nothing of value.
• In 2017 I spent $371.00 to talk to Friss on the phone.  Glad I get to speak to him however, the cost is outrageous; such a scam.  I feel for the people who's family can't afford such luxury.
• My 10 year old has reached the point where she is constantly pushing back against almost everything I (we) want her to do.  Things like wearing a coat, I just let go and if she freezes, so be it.  However, brushing her teeth, bathing and taking the dogs out to potty, we have to fight about every single day.
• Our sweet little rat is sick.  Been to the vet twice now.  I won't bore you with the details but I think she won't be around much longer.  
• Ramone (aka Sissy) recently got dumped by her jerky boyfriend (who has ZERO respect for her) and is heartbroken.  I feel just terrible that I didn't raise her to have more self respect.....but I guess we all know who's example she is following.  I have been telling her that he's not worth her time and she needs to move on and find a nicer guy.  She of course doesn't listen.
• Sissy also smokes pot all the time.  OMG I am so sick of it.
• I am still working WAY more hours that I want to.  
• Beanie and her best friend "broke up".  It has been heartbreaking to watch her go through losing her closest friend that she loves so dearly.  I am not really sure what happened but I think the teasing and "mean" jokes (learned from her dad) finally did it in.
• Our sex life is still goofy.....it just always feels weird, wrong, off.  I don't know why.  I don't know what to do about it.  When he is not around (during the day) I want to "cuddle" with him, but when we finally fall into bed at night I just don't feel like "working" for it.  I wonder if it is lingering trust issues.

The Ugly

• Not too long after we started doing Cross-fit, my knees started bothering me.  It wasn't long before the right knee was notably worse.  I have tried to baby it thinking it might get better.  I have tried to strengthen it hoping it would adjust to the new movements.  Nothing is really working and at times I have sharp pain that says something is really wrong.  I have toyed with going to a doctor but JDK says they will just send me to PT and change me a copay every time I go.   Not to mention telling me to stop exercising. I think I have a $3000 deductible or something anyway.  If the issue needs surgery (torn meniscus) I would like to find out but if  not I should be able to solve it on my own.  I know what they do in PT.  I may have to quit Cross-fit completely for a while (longer than 2 weeks) and see if that helps.  But, the thought of quitting the one and only thing I have been doing consistently and the only activity JDK and I do together makes me sick.  We have fun at Cross-fit.
• On a more basic level I am just worried that my body is breaking down due to my age and I am going to have to get used to the idea that I may not be able to run anymore or that I may never be fit like I want to be, like I used to be.   Being fit has always been a part of my identity and letting that go is incredibly scary.  I realize I may be over reacting but at the same time people get old and bodies break down, hormones change and eventually we can't "act" young anymore.

Christmas 2017

We had a good Christmas.

Beanie got her ears pierced and we went to Colorado for a ski vacation.  Very few actual gifts were wrapped and exchanged, which makes me happy.  Shopping is not my thing.

Last night I stayed up late working on a puzzle and sipping a beer.  Everyone else went to be at 8:30.  I enjoyed my "Me time" very much.  When I finally crawled into bed at 11 pm it was cold and I curled up close to JDK and fell asleep.  We spent the whole night cuddling close and I woke up feeling loved and happy.

One thing that has been a huge positive change for me in our relationship is the cuddling while sleeping.  When we were married he always slept WAY on the other side of the bed, facing away from me with his arm cocked under his body so there was no way to cozy up behind him.  On top of that, he had his body shaved so he was generally a prickly mess.  This always left me feeling sad and rejected.  Why sleep with a handsome guy if you can't cuddle...right?

Now, he tries to cuddle and sleeps closer to me most every night.  It certainly makes me feel loved and desired.  Of course life is never as easy as problem solved.  At our age other issues come into play.  First, we have both started snoring so on some nights you have to make some space to save your ears.  Also, I have my "hot" moments where cuddling just creates a sweaty annoying mess.  I need to kick off the covers and cool back off.  The hot flashes pass relatively quickly but they are super annoying as they usually hit the minute we get all snuggled up comfy.

The good news is we always make the best of it.  Neither one of us are happy about snoring, but I guess this is how life rolls; old people snore.  I am really thankful that we are both snoring even though he is almost 10 years my junior and has only 13% body fat.  (I always thought only fat people snored.....woops.)

In other news Beanie is getting boobs and I am sooooo sick of working too much.  So back to work for now.

Turning Toward your Partner’s Emotional Bids

Below is an article that I read and believe explains quite simply an important aspect of any healthy relationship.  I know this was a huge issue when JDK and I were married...I always felt shut out because he ignored me so often.  He has improved this go around but he still often struggles to connect if he isn't in the mood.  Anyway....here it is.

__________________________________

He comes home from work exhausted again. After yet another frustrating meeting that could have been covered in an email, a tense conversation with a co-worker about the state of the break room refrigerator, and predictably awful traffic on the way home, he crashes onto the living room sofa, lets out a deep breath, and turns on his favorite show. All he wants to do is decompress in silence.

As if on cue, he hears the back door open. His wife is home — and somehow, she's more chipper than ever. As she enters the room and removes her coat, she takes a moment to pause at the front window, saying, “What beautiful weather — it’s just lovely today.”

What should he do next? The answer may matter more than you think.

John Gottman has spent his career studying what makes relationships work — and what he has discovered is as practical as it is important. Through his research, he has been able to identify what qualities and practices make a couple masters of their relationship, as well as what can make a relationship turn into a disaster. He found a subtle but significant difference between the masters and disasters that strongly predicts the future of their relationships: In the small, everyday moments of life together, relationship masters are much more responsive to their partner’s attempts to engage with them.

These attempts at engagement, or emotional bids, are any effort on the part of one partner to connect or get their partner’s attention. These bids can be as glaringly obvious as a direct request for cuddling at bedtime or as subtle as an indirect comment about the weather, addressed to no one in particular. Gottman found that partners who consistently responded positively — or turned toward — each other’s emotional bids were significantly more likely to feel satisfied and stay together over time than those who did not. In fact, in a six-year study of newlyweds, Gottman discovered that couples who stayed together turned toward each other’s emotional bids 86 percent of the time, while those who went on to divorce turned toward each other’s bids only 33 percent of the time.

Over time, all of the seemingly insignificant moments of daily life in a relationship turn into something of immense importance. Gottman identified four different responses that people typically utilize when their partner sends an emotional bid in their direction. Each can either support or tear down a relationship’s sense of togetherness and security. We can turn toward our partner; turn enthusiastically toward our partner; turn away from our partner; or turn against our partner. In the introductory example, a husband worn out from his day receives an emotional bid from his wife when she comments about the weather. He has a choice: He can turn toward his wife with a short and simple “Yes, it is,” acknowledging her bid; he can turn enthusiastically toward her by engaging her in a longer conversation about the day; turn away from her by ignoring the comment; or turn against her by gruffly asking for some peace and quiet.

Although an enthusiastic response to an emotional bid is almost always appreciated, more often than not a simple acknowledgement of your partner’s bid is enough to deepen your connection. You don’t have to deliver endless energy, attention, and focus to be a relationship master.

How is it that such small moments make such a big difference in our relationships? By consistently turning toward your partner when they reach for you in small ways, you fortify your relationship against the stresses and obstacles of life. Essentially, an emotional bid is a small way that we daily ask our partners, “Are you here with me?” or, “Do I matter to you?” The answer to these questions becomes even more important if there has been previous infidelity or if either partner has a history of trauma. By receiving a metaphorical “Yes!” to these questions consistently throughout your relationship, you strengthen your trust and connection to each other.

Pay attention to the small ways in which your partner reaches for you and attempts to connect — intentionally looking for ways to turn toward your partner will help you be more effective in connecting with them. Every time you turn toward your partner in response to an emotional bid, you invest in the health and security of your relationship. This sense of security, of feeling truly able to know and be known by your partner, created by intentionally and consistently turning toward your partner, deepens your shared sense of intimacy and is correlated with increased marriage satisfaction.

As John Gottman reminds us in his work, it’s the small things done often that make the biggest difference in relationships. By turning toward your partner’s emotional bids, you safeguard your relationship against disrepair and deepen the love you share.

Good Weekend

Last week JDK decided he wanted to move his workbench over here from his old house.  He finally feels the urge to get organized down in his "man room" and dare I say, settle in.  Finally!

YEAH

I know.  He just needed to do it in his own time.  I get that now.  

I made some calls and got a friend with a trailer to come help him.  He was so excited to get it here that he rescheduled a meeting at work so he could sneak out at lunch time and get the 12 foot workbench moved.

Last Wednesday night as we were loading stuff into the bench and talking about where to store things he mentioned how it would have been nice to seal the garage floor before we loaded it full of stuff.  I agreed it was a GREAT idea and offered to help if he still wanted to do it....maybe this weekend.  You know, before we had even more of his stuff here and in the way.  He said he would think about it.

Thursday while I was at class he got his trainer and his stereo and set up a place to ride his bike in the garage.   A place where he will spend hours sweating on the floor all winter long.  Suddenly the floor sealing seemed even more important to me.  I remember how sweat will actually stain the floor.
I gently asked again if we could seal the floor but by now he was not feeling up to it.  (probably because he just added even MORE stuff to move. grrrr)

Saturday morning I decided to ask one last time, still thinking about all the sweat.  He said no.  So I just put it out of my mind and went for a run.

When I got home he left on his bike and a few hours later (around 11 am) he texted me to start unloading the garage...he had changed his mind.  By now I was over the idea so I figured I would just tell him when he got home that it was fine and not worry about it.  I assumed he was just trying to be nice to me and I wasn't about to push him into such a big project if he didn't REALLY want to do it.  I know better.

Anyhow, he got home, was genuinely interested in doing it so we spent the balance of the day emptying the garage,  purchasing the supplies and prepping the floor.  It has to be spotless for the floor to turn out really good.  So we scraped, mopped and mopped some more.

When we went to purchase supplies I assumed he would expect me to pay but much to my surprise he pushed me out of the way at the check out and declared "I got it!".

 NICE!!!

We worked on this project together and it was actually quit pleasant.  Historically he gets grumpy and is NO FUN to be around...preferring to work independently  One of the things I always felt bad about when we were married was the fact that we rarely did projects together.  To me that is part of being a couple; you know, working together.

Sunday we spread the coating and other than one very minor incident everything went well, he was kind and fun to be with.  Our relationship felt happy, healthy and normal!!

Monday he even went and purchased a new toolbox!

arranging his tools in the new fancy tool box

No More Class

Last week I had to get a sitter so I could go to my class.  I left Beanie at her friends house and promised to pick her up by 8:15 so the girls could get to bed on time on a school night.

When I got to class there was the "all group" meeting beforehand where we listened to a very beautiful young girl tell us all how she got pregnant as a teen and was full of shame.  She however did marry the father and they are still together and best I could see it worked out pretty good for her.  Her husband was there, handsome and supportive.  Anyway....her story didn't resonate with me.

Around 7 p.m. we went to our individual classes where we spent the next full hour talking about how our week went.  We got started on the homework at 8:10 which is when I had to leave.    I was frustrated because I thought it was a good chapter and I wanted to dig into it.  

This last week I read the homework but never had time to really sit down and write it up.  I had planned on doing it Wednesday after I got done with my daily sandwich shop work but instead got handed a last minute project.  Also frustrating.

I got there a few minutes late on purpose.  I really don't care if I participate in the large group part at the beginning.  When I arrived I sneaked in to find all the chairs full so I went and stood by a girl in my class.  The little young girl with way too many tattoos.  She bristled at my presence...she's not a people person.  The room was watching a 13 minute video of a preacher who was very exuberantly making metaphors about lives being like a seed in the dirt.  Honestly, I found his TV evangelist style rather disturbing.

After that we went to our rooms where the instructor said we would take off where we left last week and discuss shame because it is such an important topic.  Yeah!!  I didn't miss much.

We did some chatting as a group and then she asked questions from the book and we went around the room and read what we wrote.  Which sounds like it should be fine, but it didn't work out that way for me.

a) It is so obvious that she has about 4 "go-to" phrases she likes to dish out.  "Thanks for sharing....I know that was hard for you",  "I pray for each of you every single day", etc.  Basically, she is trying really hard to offer affirmation and encourage people to share their feelings.  That's it.  Which is probably great for some people, but it really doesn't get me anywhere.  I really don't believe she has any insight to offer me.  Hell even the trained therapist didn't help me why did I think a church lady would.
b) Listening to others share should offer insight and help you feel less "alone" in your struggles.  Instead I just feel that i don't want to hear about their issues...it hurts my gut.  I feel damned if i care and damned if I don't.   Not like I can help them.  I'm not allowed to offer any advise or comment.
c) When we got to me she actually told me that I didn't have to try to be so entertaining.  WTF?  I wasn't trying to be entertaining at all.  I was telling  my story.  Then I tried to explain how I used to think my father was my "bad" parent and lately i feel it is my mom.  She cut me off when I tried to bring up my mom.  She wanted to discuss my dad.  I'm really way past that.  Been dealing with it my whole life.  I just don't care anymore.  It doesn't bother me anymore.  She wouldn't believe that.
d) she wanted me to share my feelings and at this point i don't really have any to share.  The only thing i could say is it breaks my heart to watch my kids suffer because I wasn't a good parent to them...even though i tried so hard to not make the mistakes my parents did I still managed to instill in them all the shitty self doubt and ineffective relationship skills I have.  The cycle is so hard to stop.

It's just too complicated to get any traction in the 10-15 minutes I get to speak in the class.  It's a waste of time.  I am always stressing because I don't have enough time so why am I dedicating 3 or more hours a week to this.  I can read the book and do the exercises on my own and put Thursday night to a better use.

There....I quit and I am thrilled to have that off my schedule.

e) oh and there was talk about confiding in friends.  I don't have anyone like that.  I just don't.  Somehow that didnt' go over well.
f) and one lady in the class (who is really odd) somehow thought I called her a narcissist.  Which i didn't and what ever i said that made her think that probably came out all wrong and that is my point.  I can't open my mouth without fucking things up.  So i should keep it shut.   YET....EVERYONE says the answer to shame is to share!!!

FUCK IT ALL

Ill just ride my bike.