KP works up the street from me for a roofing supply company. He has a little old grungy office in a big concrete warehouse. He works in that office area with a bunch of guys that smoke ALL DAY LONG. He comes home from work stinking like a cigarette butt. I worry about what all that second hand smoke is doing to his pretty pink lungs.
He keeps his house tidy. Party because he has a little dog that will get into stuff if it is left lying around but also because he likes things orderly. He keeps his trucks immaculate. His bathroom needs a good scrubbing but you will never find a stray whisker or blob of phlegm glued to his sink. He squeegees the glass shower doors after each shower so it doesn’t get spots or hard water stains!
The first time I saw his office I was shocked. Piles of dust covered stuff and dirt on everything. An old TV in the corner that hasn’t been used in many years. A path around the desk to walk. They don’t have a cleaning service so he empties the trash can and that is the most cleaning his office has received in the last 10 years. When I go into his office I don’t touch a thing or I end up with black smears on myself. He admits that 80% of the stuff in there is not even used anymore.
He expressed to me a desire to clean up his 6x10 workspace and I offered to help. My super power is cleaning…no really it is organizing things. We agreed that sometime this winter we would both get in there and do a proper cleaning and throw out the old sales catalogs from 1995. I wasn’t looking forward to this dirty job but I was looking forward to helping him get motivated to concur the pile because I knew he would be thrilled to have it done.
He has a spare room at his house that is also a dumping ground. He is not a hoarder but he is a keeper. He keeps stuff just in case. He keeps stuff because it was his kids. He keeps stuff because it still works even though he doesn’t use it. I appreciate that he is sentimental and conservative but I admit I was worried the man would never find the “energy” to really dive into these projects even though he keeps telling me he wants to clear out some stuff. (Especially since his ex-wife died and his kids have been slaving to clean up her belongings.)
Today I had to stop by his office and when I walked in I gave him a hug and was so happy to see him I didn’t even notice at first. He pointed around his desk and I didn’t understand and then I looked up! (queue the angels singing) The piles were gone, the old filthy 19 inch TV was gone, and in their place were some new wooden shelves (he built) with all his current books/catalogs lined up in a neat row. Shingle samples were stowed underneath. It looked amazing! I had no idea he had been working on it. I almost cried. I smiled so big it hurt. I am proud of him. I know he did it so he would see me smile. (and because it really needed to be done.) I know he didn’t tell me he was working on it because he wanted to surprise me. I know he did it without me because he did not want burden me with his problems. He is the biggest hearted man I have ever been in a relationship with and it is the best feeling.
He makes me so happy I cry…..not once in a while, but all the damn time!
The love in his eyes is priceless.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
Talking House Sale
This morning I got up at 5 so I could talk to Husband alone before the girl got up. When I got upstairs I was not happy to find she was up already. She was being moody and whining for Daddy. She has been very moody around him lately. I asked him if we could talk and he set the girl up with PBS kids on TV and we went to the kitchen for coffee and tea.
I asked him more about his idea of buying the house. At first he said he would pay me my equity and assume the loan. I asked him what he was willing to pay and he said whatever I had in it. I told him I would NOT sell it to him for the same price I purchased it 13 years ago! He then backpedalled and said I misunderstood and he would certainly pay me more than that. I shot him a number that I think it is worth. He balked. I told him that he could just move out and we could sell it outright if he didn’t like my price. He said he would think about it. He also pointed out how he had done so much work to the place. We discuss what all that was and the only two things he came up with that I agreed were the retaining wall and landscaping around the house. I told him I would deduct $5000 from my price to compensate him for his landscaping work. He also pointed out he paid $500 to have a tree removed. I said fine $5500 off my asking price.
I told him he could not assume my loan because his name was not on it. He said he thought it was. I knew it wasn’t and proved it to him once I got to a computer. So he will need to get financing.
I guess he talked with his parents about it too. He told me they would move in the house with him. They are retired and really don’t need to keep up their old house they live in now. It is a good idea. But I can’t help but think to myself “Of course my Husband would drag his mom to town so she can help him with the girl when it is his turn to have her!!”
I am pretty sure he doesn’t think he will have to pay child support. I am pretty sure he will. I am pretty sure when he figures that out he will NOT be happy. I still expect this to end with two attorneys and all the associated BS.
As of this morning he is still all nice and “let’s agree on things and make this as painless as possible”. He says he doesn’t care about money so much as he just wants everyone to be happy.
I have an appointment with my attorney for January 13th. It was the first available. I am anxious to get an expert’s advice. I don’t want to screw him but I don’t want him to screw me either. I want what is fair. I am pretty sure the state will require child support though.
I asked him more about his idea of buying the house. At first he said he would pay me my equity and assume the loan. I asked him what he was willing to pay and he said whatever I had in it. I told him I would NOT sell it to him for the same price I purchased it 13 years ago! He then backpedalled and said I misunderstood and he would certainly pay me more than that. I shot him a number that I think it is worth. He balked. I told him that he could just move out and we could sell it outright if he didn’t like my price. He said he would think about it. He also pointed out how he had done so much work to the place. We discuss what all that was and the only two things he came up with that I agreed were the retaining wall and landscaping around the house. I told him I would deduct $5000 from my price to compensate him for his landscaping work. He also pointed out he paid $500 to have a tree removed. I said fine $5500 off my asking price.
I told him he could not assume my loan because his name was not on it. He said he thought it was. I knew it wasn’t and proved it to him once I got to a computer. So he will need to get financing.
I guess he talked with his parents about it too. He told me they would move in the house with him. They are retired and really don’t need to keep up their old house they live in now. It is a good idea. But I can’t help but think to myself “Of course my Husband would drag his mom to town so she can help him with the girl when it is his turn to have her!!”
I am pretty sure he doesn’t think he will have to pay child support. I am pretty sure he will. I am pretty sure when he figures that out he will NOT be happy. I still expect this to end with two attorneys and all the associated BS.
As of this morning he is still all nice and “let’s agree on things and make this as painless as possible”. He says he doesn’t care about money so much as he just wants everyone to be happy.
I have an appointment with my attorney for January 13th. It was the first available. I am anxious to get an expert’s advice. I don’t want to screw him but I don’t want him to screw me either. I want what is fair. I am pretty sure the state will require child support though.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Rings
The Husband and daughter got back late last night after I was asleep. This morning husband dallied around under foot for what seemed like an eternity and then he went to the grocery store. Then he came home and did a little trail run out behind our house. I built those trails years ago when I first purchased the house. I haven’t been out there is a very long time though. He has had back issues and quit running but now that he is “single” he thinks it would be good to see if he can get back into running. I think it bothered his back though so he may not get that wish.
Next he showered and got dressed up to go to church. He has NEVER been a church goer, he doesn’t belong to a church, but now he thinks it will be good for him and Alli. As he left he told me he would be gone all day. That was fine by me.
I decided to go up to the mall to shop for a gemstone ring to wear on my middle finger on my left hand because I just feel too naked with no ring on at all. I finally put my wedding ring in the firebox for safe keeping. I love that ring so much….it was hard to take it off. I would still be wearing it except it was sending the wrong message to both Husband and KP. You see, that ring was never a real symbol of OUR vows because of the way the whole purchase went. It was just MY cool wedding ring.
While I was driving to the mall I got behind this fellow who was farting around and taking forever to turn. I swung around him because I was feeling impatient. Later in the parking lot he popped out between two cars and started yelling at me for driving recklessly. It really rattled me. I was already upset because I was ring shopping because my wedding ring is now off limits because my marriage was a scam and this crazy parking lot scene didn’t help my mood one bit. By the time we got to the first jewelry store I was still physically shaking. I knew it wasn’t nice to turn in front of him but I guess I just didn’t think it through. This incident bothered me the rest of the day. In the final analysis, I determined that I really need to calm down but it is very hard for me to feel calm when my life is in this state of confusion. Husband has always made me nervous and upset and it is even worse now. I need to be more grounded and not let him rattle me. I don’t want to be an impatient person who makes other people upset. That is NOT the real me!!
Beanie liked going to the jewelry stores and looking at the pretty rings. She was good company for me all day long.
Next he showered and got dressed up to go to church. He has NEVER been a church goer, he doesn’t belong to a church, but now he thinks it will be good for him and Alli. As he left he told me he would be gone all day. That was fine by me.
I decided to go up to the mall to shop for a gemstone ring to wear on my middle finger on my left hand because I just feel too naked with no ring on at all. I finally put my wedding ring in the firebox for safe keeping. I love that ring so much….it was hard to take it off. I would still be wearing it except it was sending the wrong message to both Husband and KP. You see, that ring was never a real symbol of OUR vows because of the way the whole purchase went. It was just MY cool wedding ring.
While I was driving to the mall I got behind this fellow who was farting around and taking forever to turn. I swung around him because I was feeling impatient. Later in the parking lot he popped out between two cars and started yelling at me for driving recklessly. It really rattled me. I was already upset because I was ring shopping because my wedding ring is now off limits because my marriage was a scam and this crazy parking lot scene didn’t help my mood one bit. By the time we got to the first jewelry store I was still physically shaking. I knew it wasn’t nice to turn in front of him but I guess I just didn’t think it through. This incident bothered me the rest of the day. In the final analysis, I determined that I really need to calm down but it is very hard for me to feel calm when my life is in this state of confusion. Husband has always made me nervous and upset and it is even worse now. I need to be more grounded and not let him rattle me. I don’t want to be an impatient person who makes other people upset. That is NOT the real me!!
Beanie liked going to the jewelry stores and looking at the pretty rings. She was good company for me all day long.
 |
| The ring I bought today. |
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Saturday Like it Should be Done
After sleeping in I called KP to discuss how he would like to spend his Saturday. He said he needed to go to Target, do laundry and wash his truck. I said I needed to go to Target and wash my car. He suggested we start the day with a run…..he offered to run with me even though he is a much faster runner than I am. I have a nasty cold and have been coughing my lungs up so I declined his invitation. He said that he wouldn’t go if I couldn’t go. I told him that was sweet of him BUT silly and I convinced him that it was just too pretty outside to skip his run. He reluctantly agreed and did go run. I headed over to his house around 10 which is when he said he would be ready to go shopping.
When I got to his house, he was babysitting his 2 year old grandson so we took him along with us to Target. While at Target KP purchased new towels. I had bought him a few new gray towels recently because his towels were about 100 years old and did not match; sad things with frayed edges. Like a typical man, he kept using what he had and thought nothing of it. The three of us wondered around Target together for a while and had a nice time. At the checkout he happily paid for the two small items I had picked up. He is very generous like that.
When we got back to his house his son was there to pick up the toddler and he was shocked / impressed that his father had finally broke down and gotten new towels. Later while we lunched at a local burger joint KP would tell me how he didn’t realize what a rut he was in until I came around. That ever since his kids had moved out (about 5 yrs. ago) he was just doing the basics and getting by. It was just him and the little dog there and no one paying attention so he was in a rut. It made me happy to think we are good for each other.
He told me a few days ago that whenever I arrive at his house I seem agitated and wound too tight but then after I am there for a while I finally relax and morph into a different person. He is right; he has a very calming influence on me. He is just pleasant to be around. Very open, honest and talkative. Very caring and sensitive. He is a good listener. We just get each other.
After lunch we went back to his house and switched laundry and let the dogs out and then headed to the car was to wash his truck. He only washes his big shiny black truck at a touch less wash because as we all know black shows every scratch. We had to wait in line but had a good time.
After we got his car clean we switched laundry again and took my car to the drive through car was with the brushes that “caress” your paint off. My car is white and I don’t care about the paint that much. Again we waited forever to get through but it was no big deal because we had each other’s company. He said it was fun to ride through the car wash which is something he had not done in many years.
As the day wore on we settled on the couch and I nursed a glass of wine while he had his favorite dinner of scrambled eggs with bacon bits and cheese. He usually drinks a bottle of water with dinner but sometimes he splurges and has a Miller Light. He only drinks Miller Light and he rarely drinks at all. I love that about him too.
.........................................
For Christmas my husband got me nothing. (no surprise there!)
For Christmas KP got me a sterling silver dog tag necklace with a personal note engraved. A new jacket with zip pockets. (I had mentioned that my jackets must have zip pockets and he took note.) It fits perfect and I love it. He also got me a key chain that says “everything happens for a reason” on it. And, last but not least, he bought me a new wine glass to keep at his house. You see, the second time I went over to his house, I brought my own glass because I knew he would not have one. He has been very sweet about indulging my love of wine. When I am with him I never drink more than a glass or two. :)
When I got to his house, he was babysitting his 2 year old grandson so we took him along with us to Target. While at Target KP purchased new towels. I had bought him a few new gray towels recently because his towels were about 100 years old and did not match; sad things with frayed edges. Like a typical man, he kept using what he had and thought nothing of it. The three of us wondered around Target together for a while and had a nice time. At the checkout he happily paid for the two small items I had picked up. He is very generous like that.
When we got back to his house his son was there to pick up the toddler and he was shocked / impressed that his father had finally broke down and gotten new towels. Later while we lunched at a local burger joint KP would tell me how he didn’t realize what a rut he was in until I came around. That ever since his kids had moved out (about 5 yrs. ago) he was just doing the basics and getting by. It was just him and the little dog there and no one paying attention so he was in a rut. It made me happy to think we are good for each other.
He told me a few days ago that whenever I arrive at his house I seem agitated and wound too tight but then after I am there for a while I finally relax and morph into a different person. He is right; he has a very calming influence on me. He is just pleasant to be around. Very open, honest and talkative. Very caring and sensitive. He is a good listener. We just get each other.
After lunch we went back to his house and switched laundry and let the dogs out and then headed to the car was to wash his truck. He only washes his big shiny black truck at a touch less wash because as we all know black shows every scratch. We had to wait in line but had a good time.
After we got his car clean we switched laundry again and took my car to the drive through car was with the brushes that “caress” your paint off. My car is white and I don’t care about the paint that much. Again we waited forever to get through but it was no big deal because we had each other’s company. He said it was fun to ride through the car wash which is something he had not done in many years.
As the day wore on we settled on the couch and I nursed a glass of wine while he had his favorite dinner of scrambled eggs with bacon bits and cheese. He usually drinks a bottle of water with dinner but sometimes he splurges and has a Miller Light. He only drinks Miller Light and he rarely drinks at all. I love that about him too.
.........................................
For Christmas my husband got me nothing. (no surprise there!)
For Christmas KP got me a sterling silver dog tag necklace with a personal note engraved. A new jacket with zip pockets. (I had mentioned that my jackets must have zip pockets and he took note.) It fits perfect and I love it. He also got me a key chain that says “everything happens for a reason” on it. And, last but not least, he bought me a new wine glass to keep at his house. You see, the second time I went over to his house, I brought my own glass because I knew he would not have one. He has been very sweet about indulging my love of wine. When I am with him I never drink more than a glass or two. :)
Friday, December 27, 2013
Some Peace
It’s Friday and all is calm. Husband and daughter are at Grandma’s house 2 hours away. They left yesterday afternoon so I did not have to deal with either of them last night or this morning.
Ahh
I am now at work and happily getting some VERY much needed year end stuff done.
Latest info:
As best I can tell he doesn’t seem too broke up about the divorce other than its possible effects on our daughter. In fact, I think he is excited at the prospect of getting out and dating again. He told me he would have no problem finding a new girlfriend. He asked where he could get his back hair lazar removed. He sorted out all his old icky clothes and socks and pitched them. He sorted other things in his bedroom….like his keepsakes drawer. He put his chainsaw up for winter said he would not have time to use it. (I assume because he will be out on the town.) He told me he wants to be a more “well rounded” person. He is getting on antidepressants. He even set up a Facebook page! And this man has had ZERO interest in being social for the past 6 years. When I met him he seemed normal. He had friends, had people over to his house, went out with friends, and attended concerts. I guess he was just depressed to be with me so he quit all those things?!?
He offered to buy the house from me. It was my house when we met. I “own” it. My knee jerk reaction was “HELL NO” but then I considered it a bit more and thought it could be a good option for me because I really don’t want to keep it. It is too much house for just me and Beanie. I will ask my attorney about the details of making that happen. We haven’t talked price or any details so it may turn out to be nothing at all.
Right now he is being nice and saying all the nice things. Says he still loves me and wants to work it out. It doesn’t matter what he says to me though………I can’t believe anything he says. I have ZERO trust in him.
Ahh
I am now at work and happily getting some VERY much needed year end stuff done.
Latest info:
As best I can tell he doesn’t seem too broke up about the divorce other than its possible effects on our daughter. In fact, I think he is excited at the prospect of getting out and dating again. He told me he would have no problem finding a new girlfriend. He asked where he could get his back hair lazar removed. He sorted out all his old icky clothes and socks and pitched them. He sorted other things in his bedroom….like his keepsakes drawer. He put his chainsaw up for winter said he would not have time to use it. (I assume because he will be out on the town.) He told me he wants to be a more “well rounded” person. He is getting on antidepressants. He even set up a Facebook page! And this man has had ZERO interest in being social for the past 6 years. When I met him he seemed normal. He had friends, had people over to his house, went out with friends, and attended concerts. I guess he was just depressed to be with me so he quit all those things?!?
He offered to buy the house from me. It was my house when we met. I “own” it. My knee jerk reaction was “HELL NO” but then I considered it a bit more and thought it could be a good option for me because I really don’t want to keep it. It is too much house for just me and Beanie. I will ask my attorney about the details of making that happen. We haven’t talked price or any details so it may turn out to be nothing at all.
Right now he is being nice and saying all the nice things. Says he still loves me and wants to work it out. It doesn’t matter what he says to me though………I can’t believe anything he says. I have ZERO trust in him.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Mad is an Understatement
So what is the one thing that my husband could do right now that would FUCK me up more than anything in the world??
Anyone want to guess?
leave a comment with your best guess and I will tell you the answer later.
PS - Merry Christmas!! :(
Anyone want to guess?
leave a comment with your best guess and I will tell you the answer later.
PS - Merry Christmas!! :(
Monday, December 23, 2013
7 Years of Lies
It’s Monday and I am back at work. I have the 6 year old along. Ugh. Makes is very hard on both me and her. (out of school for Christmas)
Husband got up last Thursday morning, packed a bag and said he was going to stay with his parents for a few days. At first I was thrilled hoping he would be out of my hair soon. But then he got a beer out of the fridge and was just moping around the house. I went down stairs to find him standing in his workshop, beer in hand looking at his shotgun which was on the workbench. I asked him what he was doing and he said thinking. I told him I was not thrilled to find him at 8 am drinking a beer and looking at a gun. He brushed my concern off and said he wasn’t looking at the gun it just happened to be there. He plucked his xmas gifts off the shelf and started digging through them.
I told him I needed to go to work. He said “so go”. I told him I wanted him to leave first. He asked why. I told him I would feel better knowing I was last to leave. That I am somewhat concerned about what he might do. We ended up talking some more as he drank a few more beers. Not what I wanted to do at all. I had to tell work I was going to be late AGAIN! He promised he would not be violent or even mean that he just wants peace. I told him my fears may be irrational to him but they are my fears and they are very real to me. After draining 4 beers he finally left. I asked him to take the guns to his parents’ house for safe keeping so he took them with him.
At work, I decided to phone him around 10 or so to see if he made it safely to his parents’ house. Also I suppose I just wanted to see if he really went there AND I wanted to talk to my daughter. He didn’t answer the phone so I called his parents cell phone and home land line. No one was picking up. I waited and dialed them all again around 11 am and still no answer. My mind started racing. What if he is kidnapping my daughter? What if he waited for me to leave and circled back to the house to gather more of his things and our daughter’s clothes? He did say he might leave and move in with the parents!
On my lunch break I decided to go home and check the house. As I drove I seemed to recall bits of our conversations that made me fear even more that I could find empty closets when I got there. I was about to hyperventilate with anxiety when I pulled in the driveway and was relieved there wasn’t a U-Haul there or even his car. As the garage door slowly rose up I saw his good cross bike hanging on the wall and thought “thank God he has not been back!” I did a quick look around and drove back to work. On the drive he phoned me to tell me they had all been out visiting an animal rescue. I finally felt that YES he is probably doing what he said he would.
He was gone for two nights and I sure did enjoy the quiet stress free environment.
He came back on Saturday afternoon and left Beanie with me and went to the gym. Later in the evening he entertained her as I watched TV bored out of my mind….occasionally dosing off. When he came to bed it woke me and he apologized for disturbing me. I assured him that I was not happy about sleeping before 9 and that I was now wide awake so I was getting up. I retreated to my basement hide out to read.
Sunday we talked again for about 3 hours. He made an appointment to talk. He is now big into talking to me. He admitted that he did not love me when we got married. I guess I always knew that but didn’t want to believe it. Who the hell does that? He admitted he spent years being at mad at me because he wanted Rachel not me. He says he loves me now and will do anything to save our marriage.
As he sat there telling me how much our family means to him and how he still was hoping for a fresh start it still all seemed so emotionless. This isn’t a man who was heartbroken at losing his wife; this is a man that is playing the cards he thinks he should in order to preserve the situation because he feels it is in his best interest to do so.
I told him I would never believe that he loves me unless I was on my death bed and an Angel came to me and assured me he loved me and I awoke to find him crying at my feet begging me not to die. He assured me that he was INDEED crying at my feet now.
BLAH
Oh and get this…he told me he needed three months before he can move out so he can get a social network built up. Right now he has his parents and one other friend. He told me he needs more support in this transition. That he is going to go see a therapist and work on making more friends. Later in the day it occurred to me that what he was asking for was time to find some old girlfriends to date.
This morning he came down to my room to wake me. I was pissed that he even walked in. It’s my space….my safe spot. I chased him out. We argued some and then talked a bit. I had to phone in late to work AGAIN. I think the thing that makes me the angriest is how much of a lie it all was. And now he is coming clean which is really not what I need to hear. How can he live with himself knowing what he has done to my life? He says he was trying to do the right thing. I just don’t see how lying to someone for years can be the right thing!
Husband got up last Thursday morning, packed a bag and said he was going to stay with his parents for a few days. At first I was thrilled hoping he would be out of my hair soon. But then he got a beer out of the fridge and was just moping around the house. I went down stairs to find him standing in his workshop, beer in hand looking at his shotgun which was on the workbench. I asked him what he was doing and he said thinking. I told him I was not thrilled to find him at 8 am drinking a beer and looking at a gun. He brushed my concern off and said he wasn’t looking at the gun it just happened to be there. He plucked his xmas gifts off the shelf and started digging through them.
I told him I needed to go to work. He said “so go”. I told him I wanted him to leave first. He asked why. I told him I would feel better knowing I was last to leave. That I am somewhat concerned about what he might do. We ended up talking some more as he drank a few more beers. Not what I wanted to do at all. I had to tell work I was going to be late AGAIN! He promised he would not be violent or even mean that he just wants peace. I told him my fears may be irrational to him but they are my fears and they are very real to me. After draining 4 beers he finally left. I asked him to take the guns to his parents’ house for safe keeping so he took them with him.
At work, I decided to phone him around 10 or so to see if he made it safely to his parents’ house. Also I suppose I just wanted to see if he really went there AND I wanted to talk to my daughter. He didn’t answer the phone so I called his parents cell phone and home land line. No one was picking up. I waited and dialed them all again around 11 am and still no answer. My mind started racing. What if he is kidnapping my daughter? What if he waited for me to leave and circled back to the house to gather more of his things and our daughter’s clothes? He did say he might leave and move in with the parents!
On my lunch break I decided to go home and check the house. As I drove I seemed to recall bits of our conversations that made me fear even more that I could find empty closets when I got there. I was about to hyperventilate with anxiety when I pulled in the driveway and was relieved there wasn’t a U-Haul there or even his car. As the garage door slowly rose up I saw his good cross bike hanging on the wall and thought “thank God he has not been back!” I did a quick look around and drove back to work. On the drive he phoned me to tell me they had all been out visiting an animal rescue. I finally felt that YES he is probably doing what he said he would.
He was gone for two nights and I sure did enjoy the quiet stress free environment.
He came back on Saturday afternoon and left Beanie with me and went to the gym. Later in the evening he entertained her as I watched TV bored out of my mind….occasionally dosing off. When he came to bed it woke me and he apologized for disturbing me. I assured him that I was not happy about sleeping before 9 and that I was now wide awake so I was getting up. I retreated to my basement hide out to read.
Sunday we talked again for about 3 hours. He made an appointment to talk. He is now big into talking to me. He admitted that he did not love me when we got married. I guess I always knew that but didn’t want to believe it. Who the hell does that? He admitted he spent years being at mad at me because he wanted Rachel not me. He says he loves me now and will do anything to save our marriage.
As he sat there telling me how much our family means to him and how he still was hoping for a fresh start it still all seemed so emotionless. This isn’t a man who was heartbroken at losing his wife; this is a man that is playing the cards he thinks he should in order to preserve the situation because he feels it is in his best interest to do so.
I told him I would never believe that he loves me unless I was on my death bed and an Angel came to me and assured me he loved me and I awoke to find him crying at my feet begging me not to die. He assured me that he was INDEED crying at my feet now.
BLAH
Oh and get this…he told me he needed three months before he can move out so he can get a social network built up. Right now he has his parents and one other friend. He told me he needs more support in this transition. That he is going to go see a therapist and work on making more friends. Later in the day it occurred to me that what he was asking for was time to find some old girlfriends to date.
This morning he came down to my room to wake me. I was pissed that he even walked in. It’s my space….my safe spot. I chased him out. We argued some and then talked a bit. I had to phone in late to work AGAIN. I think the thing that makes me the angriest is how much of a lie it all was. And now he is coming clean which is really not what I need to hear. How can he live with himself knowing what he has done to my life? He says he was trying to do the right thing. I just don’t see how lying to someone for years can be the right thing!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
SHIT HITS THE FAN
As predicted, last night was a shit storm. I left work at 5, went to the bank to deposit a check, got gas and a bottle of wine and went home. There I found him drinking a beer in the mood for confrontation.
I asked him how dropping off our daughter with G&G went and we had a moment of light conversation. I was opening my wine when I counted 5 bottle caps on the counter.
“Have you had 5 beers already?” Husband responds “NO MORE!”
I open the fridge to find a 6 pack with one beer gone. So he was on number 7. Evidently he started drinking at noon and drove to drop off our daughter while intoxicated which did not sit well with me at all.
“Why so many beers?” I asked. He responded that he knew we were going to talk divorce.
So we sat and talked as best we could. Communication has never been easy for us. He asked for a year to work things out and turn our marriage around. I told him it was too late; that he had 7 years to work on our marriage and he chose not to and now it is too late.
I quizzed him about meeting his parents while drunk. He said they knew, that he had already told them we were getting divorced. WTF?!?
He said the phone bill shocked him and asked why I didn’t call him instead of others. I told him “you never answer your phone”. He agreed.
I told him how our relationship is toxic for me and how most everything he does hurts my feelings. He said he would change. I told him it is who you are and you can’t change it. It is not bad or wrong, it just doesn’t work for me. I was raised in an abusive household where I was not given love. I can’t live with a person that doesn’t know how to share or express love and affection for me.
He asked me what the plan is. I told him I didn’t have one. He really was drunk enough that talking seemed almost pointless. I did open my wine and sip a glass as we sat there.
Honestly he didn’t seem that upset; just drunk and stupid and trying to figure out what to say. He said it is not what he wants but if my mind is made up then so be it. I really never know if I should believe a word he says. He doesn’t have a big history of honesty.
At one point he said “I wish you would have talked to me sooner.” I had to control my temper as I reminded him of the many times I had tried to talk to him and he just shut me out. I reminded him of when we went to couples therapy and he didn't participate. He again agreed.
At some point he made reference to the fact that he would get half the proceeds on the house and we should sell it. I told him no…I owned this house way before I ever met him and it is MY house. It really hacked me off and I told him the conversation was over. I hope he backs down on this one. I know I need to talk to an attorney but this time of the year everyone is on holiday.
So I went down stairs to drink more wine by myself in my bedroom and text my running buddy that once again I would not be at the morning run.
Husband went in our bedroom, locked the door and passed out.
The hardest thing for me right now is just fear. Fear of what he might do. He assured me that he will not do anything crazy or violent and that our daughter is his first priority. I on the other hand was raised in a house where I feared for my life so I have a very deep mistrust of most people especially when they are stressed or upset.
I politely requested that he keep me informed as to what he is up to; to let me know if he quits his job or plans to move out. (Last time he quit his job he didn't discuss it with me at all.) At some point he did mention leaving town and moving in with his folks. I hope that was just drunk blabbering to see how I would react.
He seemed shocked that I was so stoic. I think he expected me to be more emotional like I used to be. I think he missed being able to push my buttons.
I asked him how dropping off our daughter with G&G went and we had a moment of light conversation. I was opening my wine when I counted 5 bottle caps on the counter.
“Have you had 5 beers already?” Husband responds “NO MORE!”
I open the fridge to find a 6 pack with one beer gone. So he was on number 7. Evidently he started drinking at noon and drove to drop off our daughter while intoxicated which did not sit well with me at all.
“Why so many beers?” I asked. He responded that he knew we were going to talk divorce.
So we sat and talked as best we could. Communication has never been easy for us. He asked for a year to work things out and turn our marriage around. I told him it was too late; that he had 7 years to work on our marriage and he chose not to and now it is too late.
I quizzed him about meeting his parents while drunk. He said they knew, that he had already told them we were getting divorced. WTF?!?
He said the phone bill shocked him and asked why I didn’t call him instead of others. I told him “you never answer your phone”. He agreed.
I told him how our relationship is toxic for me and how most everything he does hurts my feelings. He said he would change. I told him it is who you are and you can’t change it. It is not bad or wrong, it just doesn’t work for me. I was raised in an abusive household where I was not given love. I can’t live with a person that doesn’t know how to share or express love and affection for me.
He asked me what the plan is. I told him I didn’t have one. He really was drunk enough that talking seemed almost pointless. I did open my wine and sip a glass as we sat there.
Honestly he didn’t seem that upset; just drunk and stupid and trying to figure out what to say. He said it is not what he wants but if my mind is made up then so be it. I really never know if I should believe a word he says. He doesn’t have a big history of honesty.
At one point he said “I wish you would have talked to me sooner.” I had to control my temper as I reminded him of the many times I had tried to talk to him and he just shut me out. I reminded him of when we went to couples therapy and he didn't participate. He again agreed.
At some point he made reference to the fact that he would get half the proceeds on the house and we should sell it. I told him no…I owned this house way before I ever met him and it is MY house. It really hacked me off and I told him the conversation was over. I hope he backs down on this one. I know I need to talk to an attorney but this time of the year everyone is on holiday.
So I went down stairs to drink more wine by myself in my bedroom and text my running buddy that once again I would not be at the morning run.
Husband went in our bedroom, locked the door and passed out.
The hardest thing for me right now is just fear. Fear of what he might do. He assured me that he will not do anything crazy or violent and that our daughter is his first priority. I on the other hand was raised in a house where I feared for my life so I have a very deep mistrust of most people especially when they are stressed or upset.
I politely requested that he keep me informed as to what he is up to; to let me know if he quits his job or plans to move out. (Last time he quit his job he didn't discuss it with me at all.) At some point he did mention leaving town and moving in with his folks. I hope that was just drunk blabbering to see how I would react.
He seemed shocked that I was so stoic. I think he expected me to be more emotional like I used to be. I think he missed being able to push my buttons.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Fan is on....
In the last few weeks I have pretty much decided that after the holidays I was going to have serious talk with Husband and request that he move out. I would gladly leave but I own the house.
This summer it really sunk in that no matter how hard I try to fix things or try to accept what we have and make the best of it, this marriage is not working for me. In fact it is hurting me and dragging me down. My husband’s needs and my needs do not work together, they work against each other.
For 7 years I have done my best to make this relationship work for me and I have been unsuccessful and I think it is finally time to cut my losses and move on.
I really didn’t mean to fuck up Christmas for anyone but it looks like I am about to. You see, KP and I talk a lot (as I have stated in previous posts) and my husband and I share minutes on our phone plan. He pays the phone bill and I just use the phone. I knew that talking on the phone a lot would leave an obvious trail of who I was talking to and for how long but I had neglected to take into account the number of minutes we were using.
This morning my husband emailed me to tell me that the phone company sent him an alert because we were way over on our minutes. This prompted him to look on line at the bill and see what I have been up to. This in turn prompted him to email me that he was very upset about the phone bill and we need to talk.
So tonight we will talk and I will tell him that I am done. That I don’t have any gas left in my tank for this relationship. And whenever I start to feel bad for “doing” this to him all I have to do is think of the many MANY times he has been a jerk to me. There are so many I could not even count; from cheating on me when we were dating and I was pregnant to sneaking out of the basement and leaving the house last winter. It is all a joke really. It has never been a REAL relationship in my mind. I wanted my daughter to have a father and not grow up fatherless like I did. I wanted to have a REAL family so bad that I put up with way too much crap to stay with him.
And now I am done and he is going to blame it all on me. I will be the guy who cheated and ended the marriage. I will be the person who didn’t give him a chance when he finally woke up to the reality that you can’t ignore a problem to fix it.
I am NOT going to feel bad for him. He had 7 years to try harder and now it is TOO LATE!
This summer it really sunk in that no matter how hard I try to fix things or try to accept what we have and make the best of it, this marriage is not working for me. In fact it is hurting me and dragging me down. My husband’s needs and my needs do not work together, they work against each other.
For 7 years I have done my best to make this relationship work for me and I have been unsuccessful and I think it is finally time to cut my losses and move on.
I really didn’t mean to fuck up Christmas for anyone but it looks like I am about to. You see, KP and I talk a lot (as I have stated in previous posts) and my husband and I share minutes on our phone plan. He pays the phone bill and I just use the phone. I knew that talking on the phone a lot would leave an obvious trail of who I was talking to and for how long but I had neglected to take into account the number of minutes we were using.
This morning my husband emailed me to tell me that the phone company sent him an alert because we were way over on our minutes. This prompted him to look on line at the bill and see what I have been up to. This in turn prompted him to email me that he was very upset about the phone bill and we need to talk.
So tonight we will talk and I will tell him that I am done. That I don’t have any gas left in my tank for this relationship. And whenever I start to feel bad for “doing” this to him all I have to do is think of the many MANY times he has been a jerk to me. There are so many I could not even count; from cheating on me when we were dating and I was pregnant to sneaking out of the basement and leaving the house last winter. It is all a joke really. It has never been a REAL relationship in my mind. I wanted my daughter to have a father and not grow up fatherless like I did. I wanted to have a REAL family so bad that I put up with way too much crap to stay with him.
And now I am done and he is going to blame it all on me. I will be the guy who cheated and ended the marriage. I will be the person who didn’t give him a chance when he finally woke up to the reality that you can’t ignore a problem to fix it.
I am NOT going to feel bad for him. He had 7 years to try harder and now it is TOO LATE!
Monday, December 16, 2013
I Deserve Better
For a long time I have been struggling with the idea of getting divorced and being alone for the rest of my life. I know there is a chance that I will find real love but I know that at my age it is not particularly likely or a given.
However, like a sledge hammer, it finally hit me…..I deserve a real relationship and if I can’t have that I deserve to be free to do as I please without the confines of marriage or living with someone who drags me down emotionally.
I deserve better!
I deserve a real relationship.
I deserve to feel loved and that I am part of a “couple”.
I deserve to be heard, valued and respected.
I deserve a significant other that makes me happy not depressed. Or I at least deserve to be free to be myself and have my own life.
It kind of struck me this weekend that I keep telling people my husband is now better than he was in the past, that he is not as mean as he used to be. But being around KP has brought back some perspective and you know what….I don’t think husband is notably better, I just got used to his behavior and quit taking it personally.
The ignoring me, not saying hello or good-bye; he still does that; I just don’t give it a thought anymore. The always doing something without me; yeah he still does that but he does help me more with our daughter and allow me more freedom which makes it easier to swallow.
In the final analysis I have just come to expect and accept his lowly way of living and I really do not need to settle for this. I need to get away from him before he whittles down every last shred of self-esteem and expectation for my own life that I possess!
I have 3 New Year’s resolutions:
1) Get divorced
2) Get a new job
3) Get back into an eating and exercising routine that is HEALTHY for me.
So I plan to ask him to move out after the holidays. And for once I feel strong enough to actually do it. In fact, I am looking forward to reclaiming my life.
However, like a sledge hammer, it finally hit me…..I deserve a real relationship and if I can’t have that I deserve to be free to do as I please without the confines of marriage or living with someone who drags me down emotionally.
I deserve better!
I deserve a real relationship.
I deserve to feel loved and that I am part of a “couple”.
I deserve to be heard, valued and respected.
I deserve a significant other that makes me happy not depressed. Or I at least deserve to be free to be myself and have my own life.
It kind of struck me this weekend that I keep telling people my husband is now better than he was in the past, that he is not as mean as he used to be. But being around KP has brought back some perspective and you know what….I don’t think husband is notably better, I just got used to his behavior and quit taking it personally.
The ignoring me, not saying hello or good-bye; he still does that; I just don’t give it a thought anymore. The always doing something without me; yeah he still does that but he does help me more with our daughter and allow me more freedom which makes it easier to swallow.
In the final analysis I have just come to expect and accept his lowly way of living and I really do not need to settle for this. I need to get away from him before he whittles down every last shred of self-esteem and expectation for my own life that I possess!
I have 3 New Year’s resolutions:
1) Get divorced
2) Get a new job
3) Get back into an eating and exercising routine that is HEALTHY for me.
So I plan to ask him to move out after the holidays. And for once I feel strong enough to actually do it. In fact, I am looking forward to reclaiming my life.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
A Phone Call You Do Not Want To Get
It’s 2 pm and I’m way behind here at work. I’ve been meaning to write all day long but I’m just in a fog. The day didn’t start good and then it got much worse.
I was sound asleep and suddenly awoke from an odd dream. I checked the time and it was 4:44….one minute and my alarm would go off. I got up and put on layers of running gear. The thermometer read 11 degrees and I thought I could hear the wind howling outside. I texted my running partner and she advised that with the wind chill it is a whopping ZERO degrees and she was bagging the run. I finished getting ready and vowed to run unless the flag was blowing straight out at the top of the hill.
Once in the car I saw the flag bobbing and remembered it had been acting funny. It is not hanging correctly for some reason and hasn’t moved in a week. But I could tell it was windy and I am still recovering from a terrible cold so I just decided to say screw the run and go over and cuddle with KP.
Once I got to his house I settle my dog at the foot of the bed and crawled in bed with him and Binky (his tiny little dog). I tucked my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me and soon we both dozed off. Next thing you know it is an hour later and time to get ready for work. He had a meeting to get to and had to leave the house by 7:15 at the latest!
I showed while he shaved and then he showed up quickly. We both got ready and started our cars to warm up. It was now 7:10 and we sat on the couch for our last 5 minutes together. At 7:15 he looked at his watch and said “shit it’s time to go” and RIGHT then his phone rang.
He picked up quickly and answered it as he muttered “it’s Jordon”. I could hear her sobbing as he asked her what was wrong. He then told her to calm down because he couldn’t understand. When he talks to her he uses the same loving soothing tones he uses with me. She is so lucky to have such a wonderful father. He would do ANYTHING for her. She kept sobbing and I figured she had wrecked her car. He bought her a new car when she left for college. She made great grades and earned scholarships and he is so very proud of her.
She sobbed some words and he stood up and let out an audible gasp of horror. I sat there and listened and felt his mood move from concern to shock as he started pacing. She gave him some phone numbers and he asked if she wanted him to come get her. He told her he would be there as soon as he could and he would call her back in a few minutes and hung up.
I looked at him and he sat back down next to me and told me…… Jordon’s mom is dead. Yes his ex-wife, the mother of his kids, Gage’s grandma…DEAD!!
As usual my first thought is NO WAY can this be true. He seemed to believe it. He told me he was going to go get Jordon and bring her home. He then made two quick work calls to cancel his meeting and tell his boss he would not be at work. He then had to call his eldest Aaron.
I sat next to him holding his leg as he phoned Aaron and told him. I heard Aaron break down in tears and I watched my strong man start to cry too. They talked a bit and when he got off the phone we held each other as he told me how close Aaron was to his mom and how much it hurts to see his kids go through this. We both cried and I fetched the Kleenex from the bathroom and cried some more.
He asked me if it would be inappropriate to call the ex-wife’s live in boyfriend to find out the details. I told him I don’t think he would mind; so he did. The women died in her sleep on the couch last night. She was very overweight and not in great health. She was only 45 years old!
We then scurried around to straighten up the house for company and he grabbed his phone charger. I handed him the box of tissues and said “take these you will need them”. Off we drove, me to work and him to fetch his lovely young daughter so she could come home to bury her mother.
It’s heart breaking. I never met the woman but my ex-husband has worked with her for the past 15 years. I talked to him briefly this morning and the whole office is in shock. She was a very upbeat and happy lady and a great social worker. They will all miss her.
I told KP to call me if he needs anything and to know I am here for him. This stuff really makes you take note of what is really important in life!
I was sound asleep and suddenly awoke from an odd dream. I checked the time and it was 4:44….one minute and my alarm would go off. I got up and put on layers of running gear. The thermometer read 11 degrees and I thought I could hear the wind howling outside. I texted my running partner and she advised that with the wind chill it is a whopping ZERO degrees and she was bagging the run. I finished getting ready and vowed to run unless the flag was blowing straight out at the top of the hill.
Once in the car I saw the flag bobbing and remembered it had been acting funny. It is not hanging correctly for some reason and hasn’t moved in a week. But I could tell it was windy and I am still recovering from a terrible cold so I just decided to say screw the run and go over and cuddle with KP.
Once I got to his house I settle my dog at the foot of the bed and crawled in bed with him and Binky (his tiny little dog). I tucked my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me and soon we both dozed off. Next thing you know it is an hour later and time to get ready for work. He had a meeting to get to and had to leave the house by 7:15 at the latest!
I showed while he shaved and then he showed up quickly. We both got ready and started our cars to warm up. It was now 7:10 and we sat on the couch for our last 5 minutes together. At 7:15 he looked at his watch and said “shit it’s time to go” and RIGHT then his phone rang.
He picked up quickly and answered it as he muttered “it’s Jordon”. I could hear her sobbing as he asked her what was wrong. He then told her to calm down because he couldn’t understand. When he talks to her he uses the same loving soothing tones he uses with me. She is so lucky to have such a wonderful father. He would do ANYTHING for her. She kept sobbing and I figured she had wrecked her car. He bought her a new car when she left for college. She made great grades and earned scholarships and he is so very proud of her.
She sobbed some words and he stood up and let out an audible gasp of horror. I sat there and listened and felt his mood move from concern to shock as he started pacing. She gave him some phone numbers and he asked if she wanted him to come get her. He told her he would be there as soon as he could and he would call her back in a few minutes and hung up.
I looked at him and he sat back down next to me and told me…… Jordon’s mom is dead. Yes his ex-wife, the mother of his kids, Gage’s grandma…DEAD!!
As usual my first thought is NO WAY can this be true. He seemed to believe it. He told me he was going to go get Jordon and bring her home. He then made two quick work calls to cancel his meeting and tell his boss he would not be at work. He then had to call his eldest Aaron.
I sat next to him holding his leg as he phoned Aaron and told him. I heard Aaron break down in tears and I watched my strong man start to cry too. They talked a bit and when he got off the phone we held each other as he told me how close Aaron was to his mom and how much it hurts to see his kids go through this. We both cried and I fetched the Kleenex from the bathroom and cried some more.
He asked me if it would be inappropriate to call the ex-wife’s live in boyfriend to find out the details. I told him I don’t think he would mind; so he did. The women died in her sleep on the couch last night. She was very overweight and not in great health. She was only 45 years old!
We then scurried around to straighten up the house for company and he grabbed his phone charger. I handed him the box of tissues and said “take these you will need them”. Off we drove, me to work and him to fetch his lovely young daughter so she could come home to bury her mother.
It’s heart breaking. I never met the woman but my ex-husband has worked with her for the past 15 years. I talked to him briefly this morning and the whole office is in shock. She was a very upbeat and happy lady and a great social worker. They will all miss her.
I told KP to call me if he needs anything and to know I am here for him. This stuff really makes you take note of what is really important in life!
Friday, December 6, 2013
I AM SICK
Went to a new therapist yesterday because George is hyper focused on my marriage and I think I just want a therapist to help with my child abuse issues. This new therapist totally reminded me of Uwe’s girlfriend…..so she was doomed from the get go.
BUT I sat there for 55 minutes and tried to inform her of the issues I am battling. I did a quick recap of my life and a list of my concerns. She listened but did not really seem that interested in helping. I left her office and cried all the way home.
My life is really pathetic! Listening to myself I kept thinking how ridiculous it all is. I mean really I have 4 children with three different men ranging in age 31 to 6. I am in a loveless marriage and admittedly got married for all the wrong reasons. I am almost 50 years old and I am so ridiculously dysfunctional.
I don’t know who I am. I am emotionally detached from myself yet always on the verge of a total emotional breakdown.
She asked me if I have a support system or a good friend to lean on. I told her not really. I mean I have KP and that is about it but that is all still relatively new. Again how sad and depressing is it that at this point in my life I am so damn alone?
I had to pay for parking!
Husband was sick and now I am sick. I feel like crap and it makes everything seem worse.
EVERYTHING
My head is stuffy and I feel drained of all energy. I am achy and coughing up my lungs. I just want to be in bed but instead I am here at work because someone has to be and I told my assistant she could have Friday off.
KP is out of town for the weekend. I miss him already. He is my rock…the only thing that keeps me going. Well him and the kids. Seriously if it weren't for the kids I would just check out of this shitty life and be done with it.
BUT I sat there for 55 minutes and tried to inform her of the issues I am battling. I did a quick recap of my life and a list of my concerns. She listened but did not really seem that interested in helping. I left her office and cried all the way home.
My life is really pathetic! Listening to myself I kept thinking how ridiculous it all is. I mean really I have 4 children with three different men ranging in age 31 to 6. I am in a loveless marriage and admittedly got married for all the wrong reasons. I am almost 50 years old and I am so ridiculously dysfunctional.
I don’t know who I am. I am emotionally detached from myself yet always on the verge of a total emotional breakdown.
She asked me if I have a support system or a good friend to lean on. I told her not really. I mean I have KP and that is about it but that is all still relatively new. Again how sad and depressing is it that at this point in my life I am so damn alone?
I had to pay for parking!
Husband was sick and now I am sick. I feel like crap and it makes everything seem worse.
EVERYTHING
My head is stuffy and I feel drained of all energy. I am achy and coughing up my lungs. I just want to be in bed but instead I am here at work because someone has to be and I told my assistant she could have Friday off.
KP is out of town for the weekend. I miss him already. He is my rock…the only thing that keeps me going. Well him and the kids. Seriously if it weren't for the kids I would just check out of this shitty life and be done with it.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thanksgiving 2013
As usual we spent Thanksgiving at my husband’s parent’s house. They are nice people that mean well but of course they are “different” and it’s not my favorite place to spend a lot of time. Let me explain.
We arrive and grandma comes rushing to the door and gushes and gushes she is so glad to see us. She goes on and on with hugs and wails of “oh it is so good to see you!” Now I was raised in a family that showed ZERO outward affection so this sort of overt outpouring of joy at my mere presence makes me feel all off balance. I know she is trying to be nice but it seems so over the top to me. Makes me want to back up and call the guys in white coats. BUT I do realize this is just a matter of opinion. NO one is right or wrong, just different.
When we arrive Grandpa makes an obligatory appearance to say hi. He stands back and looks a bit impatient. He obviously can’t wait to get back to his own thing. He is not a gusher at all. Soon he disappears only to reappear when there is food being served or he is specifically summoned.
Before long Grandma is focusing 100% on her only grandchild; the light of her life; the most precious peach ever plucked. This again is not bad, but it gets worse as the day wears on and grandma wears out but continues jumping through flaming hoops with no breaks in order to satisfy the ever more demanding and selfish 6 year old who is now reveling in the attention and the power she is wielding over the adults. I sit alone nearby, bored out of my mind, watching TV and must actively keep myself from intervening. I know that this is how they both want it and I try hard to let her be the grandma she wants to be. She is old and I know it won’t be long before she is gone and I want them to have as much quality time with each other as possible.
Still, it is hard for me. We struggle to keep this “only” child from being a brat and Grandma’s attitude towards her is not helping. Again, I was brought up in a very different world. In my family, children are not human and don’t count for a thing. They are little bothers that are required to be quiet, stay out of the way and act RESPECTFUL at all time to the adults who are present.
When I was growing up, holidays were when the adults gathered to see each other and the kids played and NONE of the adults entertained us. Sure they might get out a box of toys for us or let us chop something to be helpful in the kitchen, but they did not have planned activities arranged to fill our whole day with stimulating fun.
That’s another thing…..when did society decide that children had to be “stimulated” all day or we were not being good (grand)parents? My husband and his family feel you should be reading to the child or offering her crafts or cooking projects or doing something educational with her every waking moment. I think kids need to learn to entertain themselves and they need to have veg-out time too. I remember as a kid playing by myself with the Dixie cups in the bathroom or making up games with my brother. Adults NEVER entertained us!
Add to this that Grandma is THE BIGGEST food pusher ever. She has always been this way and I think that is partly why my husband has such a messed up relationship with food. Grandma lost about 50 pounds over the last few years so she is not as bad as she used to be but she is STILL really bad. She had 2 pies, an apple crisp, ice cream and pumpkin bread, ham, turkey (with all the trimmings) and a lasagna, pancakes and sausage for breakfast each day and much, much, more and that was for 3 adults for just 2 days. (She doesn’t eat because she is on Weight Watchers) WAY TOO MUCH FOOD.
And she bought me special creamer….which I don’t want. And she got my favorite ice cream…..which I don’t need especially when there are already two pies. And she always has nuts, chips and fruit out on the table. She offered Beanie chocolate pie no less than 5 times per day. It’s ridiculous!
On Friday we had lunch around 2 pm and she had dinner on the table at 5. I wasn’t even slightly hungry but I did not want to be rude so I sat at the table and ate what they served me. My stomach was in pain when we finally left for home. And, she thought I was getting sick because I was not eating more and didn’t want to go shopping on Black Friday!!
On the way home I discussed it with my husband. He was nice and listened and explained that his mother means well and is just trying to be nice and make sure we have a memorable holiday.
I know I am just being an ungrateful bitch to complain. But still it is like a two day torture fest for me. I don’t want to, or need to, eat like that. (No one does EVER.) I hate to sit alone for hours on end and watch TV. (I should go read a book.) Husband disappears just like his father and I am left alone the whole time. I hate it.
In the final analysis I am grateful that Husband’s mother loves Beanie especially since my mother has no interest what so ever in her.
PS – I think I could take it for one day….but two was just too much. Next year, if there is one, I will certainly stay only one day even if I have to drive myself and make excuses to leave.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
The Fun Never Stops
Yesterday (Monday) morning I took my 6 year old to work with me. Her school takes off the whole week of Thanksgiving. At noon we went home, I fed her lunch and then we laid down so she would take a nap. Right on queue her father arrived at 1 pm and I left him in charge of sleeping beauty and returned to work. After work I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few items and headed home. When I got there both of them were gone. I assumed they went to the gym so he could work out. I also assumed they would be home shortly.
By 8 they were still not home and I was bored silly sitting there by myself. I dozed off watching Antique Road Show on PBS. If I had known they would not be home all evening I would have left and gone shopping or visited friends or something! I absolutely hate “wasting” my time sitting around the house alone waiting.
Why didn’t I call him you wonder? Well I would have but he rarely if ever answers the phone. I just don’t call anymore after getting his voice mail 99% of the time over the past 7 years. He never calls me either….some sort of unwritten rule?!?!
Reflecting more….if I had called and he had answered the phone and I had asked where he was, he would have rushed home to dump the kid on me anyway and then he would have scooted off to do his own selfish thing. So I guess that is really why I didn’t call.
They finally got home at 9 and I tried to watch the news with a squirming kid in bed with me. She finally fell asleep around 10 and I transferred her to her bed. Husband was fast asleep so I went right back to sleep. Around 11 I was awakened by the sound of him getting up for a snack. This is not unusual for him.
Then over the next few hours, he woke me more than once from a fairly sound sleep by “convulsing” in bed. I am not sure what he was doing; adjusting his pillows, rolling over, pouting? I have no idea. All I know is that the bed jerks violently and it wakes me up. Since I am a middle aged woman falling back to sleep is not always easy. Eventually I retreated to my basement bed so I could sleep.
Never in my life did I think I would be the one to run and sleep in another room. Historically I am the cozy sleeper who WANTS to cuddle all night long. Usually just feeling that person next to me makes me happy. Hearing him breath is usually a sound that gives me peace and comfort. Once I dated a guy that was a big snorer and I toughed it out and stayed in bed to be with him. BUT now, here I am, happy to go to my own bed. It’s so sad really.
My point is this: I try to be a good wife and mother but it always seems that I am fighting an uphill battle. This all just seems wrong to me on every level. I want a normal relationship where THIS is not how my typical Monday night goes.
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This morning I go to the 5:30 morning run. It’s what I do EVERY Tuesday morning. I had already decided I was only going to run 4 miles because I needed to get home and let hubby go to the gym.
I get to the run and as we are all gathering I say hi to Tater. Then Uwe walks up and pets my dog. (My dog and Uwe are in love with each other in some really perverse and deep way.)
Next I am standing there just waiting for my running buddy Meghan to show up and not really paying attention to Uwe (you know why) and I hear Uwe tell Tater “oh yeah…we are spinning every Monday night. Didn’t you get the e-mail? I am sure you were on the list.”
Let me explain: I belong to a multisport club. This is my primary social activity. There are supposed to be group activities that everyone is invited to but instead the club tends to break into clicks. Well, I WAS in the same “click” as Tater and Uwe until Uwe decided to be a dick to me.
I heard this and it totally triggered me. I walked over and said to the both of them in a rather pissed off voice. “I didn’t know there was a group spinning deal every Monday….guess I was not invited…thanks for nothing!!” I then turned and walked off. Uwe yelled after me that it was only for the Iron Man training people. I just started running out front of the group. FUCK THEM ALL.
So I didn’t sign up for an Iron man because:
a) I have a life
b) I have a family
c) I don’t need to be an IM to feel I am important, etc. BUT…I would really like to think my friends might include me in there indoor biking fun. Then again I am not surprised. He basically pushed me out of the group all summer so I am just not in like I used to be.
(doesn’t all this shit sound like junior high bullshit!?!?!)
It also pissed me off extra bad because, last winter AND the winter before I wanted to do a spinning thing at Uwe’s house because it is centrally located and he has a lot of room in his large finished basement of his split level home. I even bought a DVD player so we could set it up. He was on board BUT then he balked at the whole deal so it never happened. I think he was just being lazy. NOW that I am not around, they are all congregating at his place and not telling me shit about it.
Obviously still hurt by his rejection and the bigger picture is still working on self-esteem issues where being needed and belonging will not be so important to me.
I wouldn’t go to his house anyway so why do I bother to get my feathers ruffled?
My first mile of that run was really fast (stress can be a great motivator) but almost as soon as I got out on the dark trail alone I regretted my outburst and felt stupid. I am really sick of feeling like my life is just out of control!
By 8 they were still not home and I was bored silly sitting there by myself. I dozed off watching Antique Road Show on PBS. If I had known they would not be home all evening I would have left and gone shopping or visited friends or something! I absolutely hate “wasting” my time sitting around the house alone waiting.
Why didn’t I call him you wonder? Well I would have but he rarely if ever answers the phone. I just don’t call anymore after getting his voice mail 99% of the time over the past 7 years. He never calls me either….some sort of unwritten rule?!?!
Reflecting more….if I had called and he had answered the phone and I had asked where he was, he would have rushed home to dump the kid on me anyway and then he would have scooted off to do his own selfish thing. So I guess that is really why I didn’t call.
They finally got home at 9 and I tried to watch the news with a squirming kid in bed with me. She finally fell asleep around 10 and I transferred her to her bed. Husband was fast asleep so I went right back to sleep. Around 11 I was awakened by the sound of him getting up for a snack. This is not unusual for him.
Then over the next few hours, he woke me more than once from a fairly sound sleep by “convulsing” in bed. I am not sure what he was doing; adjusting his pillows, rolling over, pouting? I have no idea. All I know is that the bed jerks violently and it wakes me up. Since I am a middle aged woman falling back to sleep is not always easy. Eventually I retreated to my basement bed so I could sleep.
Never in my life did I think I would be the one to run and sleep in another room. Historically I am the cozy sleeper who WANTS to cuddle all night long. Usually just feeling that person next to me makes me happy. Hearing him breath is usually a sound that gives me peace and comfort. Once I dated a guy that was a big snorer and I toughed it out and stayed in bed to be with him. BUT now, here I am, happy to go to my own bed. It’s so sad really.
My point is this: I try to be a good wife and mother but it always seems that I am fighting an uphill battle. This all just seems wrong to me on every level. I want a normal relationship where THIS is not how my typical Monday night goes.
==============================
This morning I go to the 5:30 morning run. It’s what I do EVERY Tuesday morning. I had already decided I was only going to run 4 miles because I needed to get home and let hubby go to the gym.
I get to the run and as we are all gathering I say hi to Tater. Then Uwe walks up and pets my dog. (My dog and Uwe are in love with each other in some really perverse and deep way.)
Next I am standing there just waiting for my running buddy Meghan to show up and not really paying attention to Uwe (you know why) and I hear Uwe tell Tater “oh yeah…we are spinning every Monday night. Didn’t you get the e-mail? I am sure you were on the list.”
Let me explain: I belong to a multisport club. This is my primary social activity. There are supposed to be group activities that everyone is invited to but instead the club tends to break into clicks. Well, I WAS in the same “click” as Tater and Uwe until Uwe decided to be a dick to me.
I heard this and it totally triggered me. I walked over and said to the both of them in a rather pissed off voice. “I didn’t know there was a group spinning deal every Monday….guess I was not invited…thanks for nothing!!” I then turned and walked off. Uwe yelled after me that it was only for the Iron Man training people. I just started running out front of the group. FUCK THEM ALL.
So I didn’t sign up for an Iron man because:
a) I have a life
b) I have a family
c) I don’t need to be an IM to feel I am important, etc. BUT…I would really like to think my friends might include me in there indoor biking fun. Then again I am not surprised. He basically pushed me out of the group all summer so I am just not in like I used to be.
(doesn’t all this shit sound like junior high bullshit!?!?!)
It also pissed me off extra bad because, last winter AND the winter before I wanted to do a spinning thing at Uwe’s house because it is centrally located and he has a lot of room in his large finished basement of his split level home. I even bought a DVD player so we could set it up. He was on board BUT then he balked at the whole deal so it never happened. I think he was just being lazy. NOW that I am not around, they are all congregating at his place and not telling me shit about it.
Obviously still hurt by his rejection and the bigger picture is still working on self-esteem issues where being needed and belonging will not be so important to me.
I wouldn’t go to his house anyway so why do I bother to get my feathers ruffled?
My first mile of that run was really fast (stress can be a great motivator) but almost as soon as I got out on the dark trail alone I regretted my outburst and felt stupid. I am really sick of feeling like my life is just out of control!
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Thursday
Thursdays are usually my good days. The one day a week I tend to feel mentally “normal” all day.
I always start the day with a run. I am sure this contributes.
I usually go see George at noon. Today we had a really good session and he even let me stay an extra 1/2 hour because he had a cancellation. We didn't talk about Husband much. We did talk about me and my issues and we even talked about KP and how he seems to get me.
Tonight is my "free" night and I will go over to KPs house and sit on his couch with him and look out the window at the church across the street. We will sit there and talk until 9 pm and then I will reluctantly leave to go home. It is relaxing there and I enjoy it.
Even though the weather has been drizzly and dark today I have been feeling pretty UP. Often when the weather is gloomy so is my mood.
Sometimes it is hard to go see George when I feel fine. Then again, yesterday morning I was not fine. I was headed down the rabbit hole.
Yesterday morning I woke up in the basement. I had retreated there at some point in the middle of the night when the dog scratching and the husband snoring drove me there. I came upstairs at 5:30 AM expecting to see my Husband sitting on the bed watching the news while sipping his coffee. Instead I found my 6 year old sitting on the bed watching cartoons. I asked her where her daddy was and she told me had already left!
I was upset that he left without saying good-bye, but not even a little bit surprised. I was also wondering why he thought it was OK to leave the kid there all by herself. I guess she could have come and found me should she need me. I was upset that the girl was up already too. She really needs more sleep. 5:30 is way too early for her to be up…I need some quiet time too you know!
Then Monster called freaking out because he is flunking math and wanting to know what to do. How would I know what to do? I made only “A”s when I was in college. I tried to comfort him and told him I would ask Husband who works at the University and attended a much bigger university than I did.
While driving to work I talked to KP on the phone and he said something that sounded ignorant so I pointed that out. He told me I can be rude at times. We got into a bit of a spat, BUT, as usual, he and I discussed it all out and the problem was solved. I am eternally grateful that SOMEONE actually listens to me.
Anyway, yesterday I was upset and thinking very negatively. Today it is hard to even relate to you how bad I felt yesterday. I told George that I want to go back to the old me; the way I was before my life exploded in 2001-2002. He told me I will never be like that again but I can be even better, even more self-aware. I told him that therapy over all these years has done little to make me feel better and I am frustrated because I feel like I STILL have way more bad days than good.
He encouraged me to get to know myself better; to continue to be more open and honest with my loved ones and friends. He told me to work on figuring out ways to draw myself out of the dark moods. Right now KP is good at pulling me out but I need to learn to pull myself out. Also I need to continue to learn to “feel” my feelings. So far that has not gone well. When I get upset and negative I just feel like puking. This is not a feeling you want to dwell on.
Have to get back to work now. Very busy. Sorry for all the type-os…I don’t have time to proof read this.
UPDATE:
Monster talked to his instructor who agreed to give him a “W” for the semester and the boy is going to retake the course and I will hire a tutor to help him. I also suggested some study strategies and he seemed enthusiastic about my advice. Lastly, I suggested he talk to his PCP about getting some anti-anxiety meds. The boy is a nervous wreck lately.
I always start the day with a run. I am sure this contributes.
I usually go see George at noon. Today we had a really good session and he even let me stay an extra 1/2 hour because he had a cancellation. We didn't talk about Husband much. We did talk about me and my issues and we even talked about KP and how he seems to get me.
Tonight is my "free" night and I will go over to KPs house and sit on his couch with him and look out the window at the church across the street. We will sit there and talk until 9 pm and then I will reluctantly leave to go home. It is relaxing there and I enjoy it.
Even though the weather has been drizzly and dark today I have been feeling pretty UP. Often when the weather is gloomy so is my mood.
Sometimes it is hard to go see George when I feel fine. Then again, yesterday morning I was not fine. I was headed down the rabbit hole.
Yesterday morning I woke up in the basement. I had retreated there at some point in the middle of the night when the dog scratching and the husband snoring drove me there. I came upstairs at 5:30 AM expecting to see my Husband sitting on the bed watching the news while sipping his coffee. Instead I found my 6 year old sitting on the bed watching cartoons. I asked her where her daddy was and she told me had already left!
I was upset that he left without saying good-bye, but not even a little bit surprised. I was also wondering why he thought it was OK to leave the kid there all by herself. I guess she could have come and found me should she need me. I was upset that the girl was up already too. She really needs more sleep. 5:30 is way too early for her to be up…I need some quiet time too you know!
Then Monster called freaking out because he is flunking math and wanting to know what to do. How would I know what to do? I made only “A”s when I was in college. I tried to comfort him and told him I would ask Husband who works at the University and attended a much bigger university than I did.
While driving to work I talked to KP on the phone and he said something that sounded ignorant so I pointed that out. He told me I can be rude at times. We got into a bit of a spat, BUT, as usual, he and I discussed it all out and the problem was solved. I am eternally grateful that SOMEONE actually listens to me.
Anyway, yesterday I was upset and thinking very negatively. Today it is hard to even relate to you how bad I felt yesterday. I told George that I want to go back to the old me; the way I was before my life exploded in 2001-2002. He told me I will never be like that again but I can be even better, even more self-aware. I told him that therapy over all these years has done little to make me feel better and I am frustrated because I feel like I STILL have way more bad days than good.
He encouraged me to get to know myself better; to continue to be more open and honest with my loved ones and friends. He told me to work on figuring out ways to draw myself out of the dark moods. Right now KP is good at pulling me out but I need to learn to pull myself out. Also I need to continue to learn to “feel” my feelings. So far that has not gone well. When I get upset and negative I just feel like puking. This is not a feeling you want to dwell on.
Have to get back to work now. Very busy. Sorry for all the type-os…I don’t have time to proof read this.
UPDATE:
Monster talked to his instructor who agreed to give him a “W” for the semester and the boy is going to retake the course and I will hire a tutor to help him. I also suggested some study strategies and he seemed enthusiastic about my advice. Lastly, I suggested he talk to his PCP about getting some anti-anxiety meds. The boy is a nervous wreck lately.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
What is on my mind today?
I'm a list maker:
1) I am wondering how Uwe is doing. We are not talking to each other which is good because he can’t hurl insults at me but I still worry about him. A few weeks ago he injured his arm and had surgery and I wish I could just ask him how he is. I can’t turn off my emotions just because I should. I still miss my old friend even though I know that he is gone now and has been replaced by a skinny mean person…at least to me he is.
2) Sparing you the details about why this is on my mind…..I feel like my husband doesn’t even think about me until his penis reminds him to. And even then, unlike a date that gets wined and dined for a piece of ass, all I get is a groping or a hug at best. New flash men…the way into a woman’s pants is through her head!
3) Friss still has not called. I don’t know when he will be able to call. I hate not being able to talk to him. I have been trying to mail him letters as much as I can.
4) I got on the scale this morning. Between Halloween and my NYC trip I put on 3 or 4 pounds. NOT GOOD. Time to go back to counting calories and starving which is just no fun at all.
5) As much as I enjoy KP and we seem to be getting along great (why can’t I just relax and enjoy the present?) I can’t help but think, way too often, about how all people are nice in the beginning and this will all blow up and be terrible in the end. He will most certainly turn into a jerk like all the rest. I have no optimism.
6) Cash flow at work is getting worse by the minute. I wish I could just walk away without finding another job. I haven’t seen anything worth even applying for in months which is so depressing.
7) This morning’s run was kind of crappy. My legs have been sore. The whole summer of workouts was crappy. I know, to some extent, my mental state is dragging me down physically. That and old age is no doubt getting me more lately. I am pushing 50. Oh and I don’t have a gym right now so I have not been lifting weights at all. I would rush out and get a gym membership but there is nothing available that suits my need and is in my price range.
8) Made an appointment with a new Therapist named Sara. I go on December 5th which seems so far away. I am desperate for someone to help me. Why can’t the so called “experts” fix this? I assume this new one will be no better than those before her. I have seen a total of 5 therapists and so far none have done much. I mean George helped me figure some stuff out but really, considering the amount of time and money spent, therapy sucks.
9) My dog still has fleas. I tried all kinds of things. I have called the vet (again). I have talked to some breeders. I am almost out of ideas. The whole thing is so frustrating because this dog usually goes everywhere with me. So there are fleas in my car, fleas in my office, fleas in my yard and house. How can I ever get this under control!? And how did it get out of control. I use Frontline as directed EVERY month.
10) A few weeks ago I was in a minor car accident. I was making a left out of Beanie’s school (she was not in the car) and a car popped up over the hill going too fast and clipped my rear end. My car is dented and scratched but I am hoping it is nothing too serious or costly to fix. I need to get it looked at but have not been able to find the time. It makes me sad that my 10 month old car has already been hit.
11) My six year old daughter is spoiled rotten. We try very hard not to spoil her but it seems like just being kind and courteous to her feeds her desire to be a raving, demanding bitch. I love her like crazy but I am so tired of arguing with her EVEN when I am giving her what she is asking for!
I feel like my life is nothing more than a list of complaints. I suppose I should make a list of all the wonderful things I can think of to offset the above.
Here ya go………..
The sun is out. I can still fit in my clothes. I can afford new (full price) running shoes. I was lucky the car accident was so minor.
Last night Beanie was reading to me. I am amazed at how well she had learned to sound out words. She knows most 2 letter words and she can sound out most three letter words. Pretty impressive for a kindergarten I think. Glad she is so smart.
Ramone and Monster have been pretty good lately. In fact, Monster has a new girlfriend that I really like. I friended her on Facebook and she seems very normal and pretty.
Lastly I am grateful that my inattentive husband who never wants to spend time with me lets me go out two nights a week and have some sort of social life otherwise I would go completely out of my mind!
1) I am wondering how Uwe is doing. We are not talking to each other which is good because he can’t hurl insults at me but I still worry about him. A few weeks ago he injured his arm and had surgery and I wish I could just ask him how he is. I can’t turn off my emotions just because I should. I still miss my old friend even though I know that he is gone now and has been replaced by a skinny mean person…at least to me he is.
2) Sparing you the details about why this is on my mind…..I feel like my husband doesn’t even think about me until his penis reminds him to. And even then, unlike a date that gets wined and dined for a piece of ass, all I get is a groping or a hug at best. New flash men…the way into a woman’s pants is through her head!
3) Friss still has not called. I don’t know when he will be able to call. I hate not being able to talk to him. I have been trying to mail him letters as much as I can.
4) I got on the scale this morning. Between Halloween and my NYC trip I put on 3 or 4 pounds. NOT GOOD. Time to go back to counting calories and starving which is just no fun at all.
5) As much as I enjoy KP and we seem to be getting along great (why can’t I just relax and enjoy the present?) I can’t help but think, way too often, about how all people are nice in the beginning and this will all blow up and be terrible in the end. He will most certainly turn into a jerk like all the rest. I have no optimism.
6) Cash flow at work is getting worse by the minute. I wish I could just walk away without finding another job. I haven’t seen anything worth even applying for in months which is so depressing.
7) This morning’s run was kind of crappy. My legs have been sore. The whole summer of workouts was crappy. I know, to some extent, my mental state is dragging me down physically. That and old age is no doubt getting me more lately. I am pushing 50. Oh and I don’t have a gym right now so I have not been lifting weights at all. I would rush out and get a gym membership but there is nothing available that suits my need and is in my price range.
8) Made an appointment with a new Therapist named Sara. I go on December 5th which seems so far away. I am desperate for someone to help me. Why can’t the so called “experts” fix this? I assume this new one will be no better than those before her. I have seen a total of 5 therapists and so far none have done much. I mean George helped me figure some stuff out but really, considering the amount of time and money spent, therapy sucks.
9) My dog still has fleas. I tried all kinds of things. I have called the vet (again). I have talked to some breeders. I am almost out of ideas. The whole thing is so frustrating because this dog usually goes everywhere with me. So there are fleas in my car, fleas in my office, fleas in my yard and house. How can I ever get this under control!? And how did it get out of control. I use Frontline as directed EVERY month.
10) A few weeks ago I was in a minor car accident. I was making a left out of Beanie’s school (she was not in the car) and a car popped up over the hill going too fast and clipped my rear end. My car is dented and scratched but I am hoping it is nothing too serious or costly to fix. I need to get it looked at but have not been able to find the time. It makes me sad that my 10 month old car has already been hit.
11) My six year old daughter is spoiled rotten. We try very hard not to spoil her but it seems like just being kind and courteous to her feeds her desire to be a raving, demanding bitch. I love her like crazy but I am so tired of arguing with her EVEN when I am giving her what she is asking for!
I feel like my life is nothing more than a list of complaints. I suppose I should make a list of all the wonderful things I can think of to offset the above.
Here ya go………..
The sun is out. I can still fit in my clothes. I can afford new (full price) running shoes. I was lucky the car accident was so minor.
Last night Beanie was reading to me. I am amazed at how well she had learned to sound out words. She knows most 2 letter words and she can sound out most three letter words. Pretty impressive for a kindergarten I think. Glad she is so smart.
Ramone and Monster have been pretty good lately. In fact, Monster has a new girlfriend that I really like. I friended her on Facebook and she seems very normal and pretty.
Lastly I am grateful that my inattentive husband who never wants to spend time with me lets me go out two nights a week and have some sort of social life otherwise I would go completely out of my mind!
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Strange Dreams
Last night I was sleeping in the basement all by myself. Usually the super dark, quiet, womb like room is my safe haven where I go and enjoy the most peaceful sleep imaginable. But last night, for the first time ever, the bedroom did me wrong.
First dream was set there in the bedroom. In real life I was sleeping on my back with my left leg out of the covers. In the dream a “human presence” opened the closed bedroom door and came into the room. It walked past the foot of the bed and I could see it but not really make it out. As it rounded the corner of my bed it picked up the covers from the foot of the bed and holding them walked towards my head which covered my leg back up. I was trying to call out to it in my sleep. I was trying to wake up but couldn’t. I was scared and creped out, frozen, paralyzed. I was half awake and half asleep but could not get a word to actually come out of my mouth. Then I really did wake up and no one was there. Still unsure if it was real or not I looked down and my leg was still hanging out from under the sheet and the covers had not been pulled up. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the door was still closed.
After that dream I understandably decided to read for a bit instead of going back to sleep. By 3 am I told myself to put the tablet down and try and get some sleep before morning.
It wasn’t long before I had another odd dream. This time it was dusk and I was in a trailer park looking for Cynthia, Uwe’s new girlfriend. I wanted to talk to her for some reason. I was pensive about approaching her mobile home and was lingering outside near the road looking at her lit up windows. There were many other characters in the area as most mobile home communities seem to involve drinking cheap beer on the porch and chumming with neighbors. (I speak from experience)
Next thing you know a large rowdy group of partiers come prancing down the road. They were all dressed up like characters from the late 70s. Think Soul Train. One even had a large boom box on his shoulder and they were all dancing as they strolled. It was almost like a costume parade. Mardi gras like? (hey dreams don’t have to make sense!)
Suddenly I see a guy in a white suit (think John Travolta Saturday Night Fever) with a large bushy black mustache and realize it is my husband. At first I feel “caught” because I was not where I was supposed to be. Then I realize he was certainly not where he was supposed to be either…..AND where did he get the suit? And when did he shave his beard into a 70’s stache?
He was laughing and smiling and having a grand old time until he turned and came eye to eye with me. We both stood there just frozen for an awkward moment looking at each other and not knowing what to say. I finally broke the silence and said “don’t worry about it, we'll talk later.” And with that he danced off down the road with his party and someone standing near me said something to me like “don’t worry about it?? Are you crazy??”
Then I woke up.
So….what the heck does this all mean? I do have some ideas about dream #2.
1) I was supposed to do something with Cynthia this weekend and I never confirmed details. She didn’t either. I think we both didn’t really want to see each other, but I think I still felt guilty for not discussing it with her. I am the type of person who feels it is rude to not follow up on tentative plans. I hate being rude. Ugh
2) I have always felt that my husband doesn’t share his life with me or tell me what is going on with him. I know this was a manifestation of me feeling left out of his life. He was out at a big party and I knew nothing of it. He shaved and I didn’t know it. He procured a costume for the party and I didn’t know it. Oddly, I was not offended that I was not invited; I was just upset that I had no idea what he was doing.
3) The white suit probably came from a real costume he wore on Halloween when we were dating. The real one was powder blue not white. Lately all the guys have been wearing goofy mushtashes so no surprise there.
4) We were both wrong in the dream. Both not where we were supposed to be. I guess I am subconsciously thinking we are both at fault in our marriage or that we are both up to sneaky no good things.
5) In the dream when we finally were face to face and something needed to be said he of course was silent. In real life he rarely asks questions or makes comments about what either one of us is up to. SO he was true to form in the dream. I of course was true to form too. I wasn’t able to think of anything smart to say….so instead I played the “agreeable” card. I am such a doormat.
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Just had an idea about the first dream. Husband has NEVER EVER come downstairs to the bedroom when I was there. Not when he knew I was upset or needed to leave or anything. I admit I don't want him to now, but there was a time where I was heartbroken that he never came to me to check on me when I was upset or to ask me to come back to bed. So maybe it was him in the dream. The act of pulling the sheet up so I was covered seemed like it was a kind gesture. Then again I was fearful the whole time because I had no idea who it was or what there motives were.
Also, once a long loooong time ago I did have an intruder break into my home (in real life) and come into my bedroom. He was not a nice man and he did not have good intentions. Without the details lets just say the police kept my sheets and I was scared in my own home for a long time after that. So for some reason maybe my subconscious was conjuring up that memory???
First dream was set there in the bedroom. In real life I was sleeping on my back with my left leg out of the covers. In the dream a “human presence” opened the closed bedroom door and came into the room. It walked past the foot of the bed and I could see it but not really make it out. As it rounded the corner of my bed it picked up the covers from the foot of the bed and holding them walked towards my head which covered my leg back up. I was trying to call out to it in my sleep. I was trying to wake up but couldn’t. I was scared and creped out, frozen, paralyzed. I was half awake and half asleep but could not get a word to actually come out of my mouth. Then I really did wake up and no one was there. Still unsure if it was real or not I looked down and my leg was still hanging out from under the sheet and the covers had not been pulled up. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the door was still closed.
After that dream I understandably decided to read for a bit instead of going back to sleep. By 3 am I told myself to put the tablet down and try and get some sleep before morning.
It wasn’t long before I had another odd dream. This time it was dusk and I was in a trailer park looking for Cynthia, Uwe’s new girlfriend. I wanted to talk to her for some reason. I was pensive about approaching her mobile home and was lingering outside near the road looking at her lit up windows. There were many other characters in the area as most mobile home communities seem to involve drinking cheap beer on the porch and chumming with neighbors. (I speak from experience)
Next thing you know a large rowdy group of partiers come prancing down the road. They were all dressed up like characters from the late 70s. Think Soul Train. One even had a large boom box on his shoulder and they were all dancing as they strolled. It was almost like a costume parade. Mardi gras like? (hey dreams don’t have to make sense!)
Suddenly I see a guy in a white suit (think John Travolta Saturday Night Fever) with a large bushy black mustache and realize it is my husband. At first I feel “caught” because I was not where I was supposed to be. Then I realize he was certainly not where he was supposed to be either…..AND where did he get the suit? And when did he shave his beard into a 70’s stache?
He was laughing and smiling and having a grand old time until he turned and came eye to eye with me. We both stood there just frozen for an awkward moment looking at each other and not knowing what to say. I finally broke the silence and said “don’t worry about it, we'll talk later.” And with that he danced off down the road with his party and someone standing near me said something to me like “don’t worry about it?? Are you crazy??”
Then I woke up.
So….what the heck does this all mean? I do have some ideas about dream #2.
1) I was supposed to do something with Cynthia this weekend and I never confirmed details. She didn’t either. I think we both didn’t really want to see each other, but I think I still felt guilty for not discussing it with her. I am the type of person who feels it is rude to not follow up on tentative plans. I hate being rude. Ugh
2) I have always felt that my husband doesn’t share his life with me or tell me what is going on with him. I know this was a manifestation of me feeling left out of his life. He was out at a big party and I knew nothing of it. He shaved and I didn’t know it. He procured a costume for the party and I didn’t know it. Oddly, I was not offended that I was not invited; I was just upset that I had no idea what he was doing.
3) The white suit probably came from a real costume he wore on Halloween when we were dating. The real one was powder blue not white. Lately all the guys have been wearing goofy mushtashes so no surprise there.
4) We were both wrong in the dream. Both not where we were supposed to be. I guess I am subconsciously thinking we are both at fault in our marriage or that we are both up to sneaky no good things.
5) In the dream when we finally were face to face and something needed to be said he of course was silent. In real life he rarely asks questions or makes comments about what either one of us is up to. SO he was true to form in the dream. I of course was true to form too. I wasn’t able to think of anything smart to say….so instead I played the “agreeable” card. I am such a doormat.
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Just had an idea about the first dream. Husband has NEVER EVER come downstairs to the bedroom when I was there. Not when he knew I was upset or needed to leave or anything. I admit I don't want him to now, but there was a time where I was heartbroken that he never came to me to check on me when I was upset or to ask me to come back to bed. So maybe it was him in the dream. The act of pulling the sheet up so I was covered seemed like it was a kind gesture. Then again I was fearful the whole time because I had no idea who it was or what there motives were.
Also, once a long loooong time ago I did have an intruder break into my home (in real life) and come into my bedroom. He was not a nice man and he did not have good intentions. Without the details lets just say the police kept my sheets and I was scared in my own home for a long time after that. So for some reason maybe my subconscious was conjuring up that memory???
Friday, November 15, 2013
Quick Update
Last night I spent 3 hours with KP. We just talked and held each other close. It’s almost weird how comfortable and close we feel to each other. It is also very nice; I mean who doesn’t want to feel safe and excepted?
We also talk on the phone a lot. I mean like hours a day. I always enjoy talking to him. He has a knack for being honest, caring and boiling my crazy thoughts down to simple concepts. I can’t tell you how many times he says “well I think it’s like this……” and then I think “that is IT exactly!” Let’s just say we get each other. I know, I know….still all very new but hey, I am enjoying it.
I figured out why I felt so bad after I left Georges office yesterday. It is because he makes me feel like my marriage is more important than me. He is in “save the marriage at all costs” mode. I am at the point where I feel the marriage is harming me and I wish we could actually discuss that possibility. I really would like an objective person to help me with my logic. I am obviously not in a position to really think clearly and trust my own judgment.
Time to look for a new therapist….again.
Of course, George loved the idea of asking husband for 2 hours a week. I plan on discussing it with him tonight. I expect he will agree to the idea whole heartedly but then figure out a way to weasel out of it later. George says I should NOT let him weasel. I am to tell Husband “you agreed to do this and I need you to follow through and I need to know that when you agree to something you mean it”. I do wish I could summon George to help me with ALL conversation with my husband!
Did I tell you I saw my mom last week? I stopped by there on my way to the airport. (I took a mini vacation to NYC last weekend.) I arrived at her house, grabbed a snack and sat down to visit with her. We quickly ran out of things to say and felt uncomfortable so I went ahead and left for the airport a little early. It makes me sad that I don't have "real" parents. What do you think I did with my extra time at the airport?? Well talk to KP on my phone of course.
Well poop, I have to get to work. I do have a job and for the next few months it is going to be busy.
I will keep trying to post daily if it is at all possible.
We also talk on the phone a lot. I mean like hours a day. I always enjoy talking to him. He has a knack for being honest, caring and boiling my crazy thoughts down to simple concepts. I can’t tell you how many times he says “well I think it’s like this……” and then I think “that is IT exactly!” Let’s just say we get each other. I know, I know….still all very new but hey, I am enjoying it.
I figured out why I felt so bad after I left Georges office yesterday. It is because he makes me feel like my marriage is more important than me. He is in “save the marriage at all costs” mode. I am at the point where I feel the marriage is harming me and I wish we could actually discuss that possibility. I really would like an objective person to help me with my logic. I am obviously not in a position to really think clearly and trust my own judgment.
Time to look for a new therapist….again.
Of course, George loved the idea of asking husband for 2 hours a week. I plan on discussing it with him tonight. I expect he will agree to the idea whole heartedly but then figure out a way to weasel out of it later. George says I should NOT let him weasel. I am to tell Husband “you agreed to do this and I need you to follow through and I need to know that when you agree to something you mean it”. I do wish I could summon George to help me with ALL conversation with my husband!
Did I tell you I saw my mom last week? I stopped by there on my way to the airport. (I took a mini vacation to NYC last weekend.) I arrived at her house, grabbed a snack and sat down to visit with her. We quickly ran out of things to say and felt uncomfortable so I went ahead and left for the airport a little early. It makes me sad that I don't have "real" parents. What do you think I did with my extra time at the airport?? Well talk to KP on my phone of course.
Well poop, I have to get to work. I do have a job and for the next few months it is going to be busy.
I will keep trying to post daily if it is at all possible.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Procrastination and Navel Gazing
For the last month and a half I have been goofing off at work. I just find it so hard to take any of it seriously when the company is just going broke day by day. It all seems so futile.
AND I have been spending tons of time fussing about the end of my friendship with Uwe, my failing marriage and my “scary” relationship with KP. These three men and my kids have been sucking up almost all my thoughts.
Oh and I read a few books on child abuse.
Finally it has all caught up with me!!
As of right this minute:
1) My husband is pissed at me and we are starting to really annoy each the hell out of each other. I am tired of tip toeing around him and I know he is going to be pissed if I just let myself go. Things are fixing to get really ugly folks. But honestly I can’t keep living with someone who I am not allowed to speak to freely.
2) I have a huge work project that is due NOW (just found out, but knew it was coming). I have put the dead line off until next Wednesday. I have no business typing this blog right now because I should be working. If I have to work this weekend my husband is going to be super pissed off because it is deer season here.
AND we just switched banks and there is a ton of stuff I need to do ASAP related to that.
3) My dog has fleas and I feel like it’s a losing battle. Vet says to give it 3 months. So for three months I don’t take my dog away from home? She usually goes everywhere with me. AND… I can’t take her to KPs house with fleas because his dog will get them. Pain in the ass!
4) I think, finally, Uwe and I are not speaking and it is going to stick. Please o please let this heart ache just be over.
5) I am worried about Friss.
6) My 6 year old has been crabby and demanding and both my husband and I are 100% out of patience and not sure what to do about it. (Someone send me a nanny!)
7) I had a fender bender the other day and need to get my car fixed but I don’t have any time or energy to deal with it.
8) I am so tired……..I want to just go to sleep until spring.
9) Saw George today and left in tears. Tired of talking about my husband. It’s a waste of time to go to a marriage therapist at this point.
10) and Christmas is coming and I should start planning for that. You know, start buying gifts, think about putting up a tree. OMG I am not ready for winter or the holidays! I want to run away and hide from the real world so badly!
AND I have been spending tons of time fussing about the end of my friendship with Uwe, my failing marriage and my “scary” relationship with KP. These three men and my kids have been sucking up almost all my thoughts.
Oh and I read a few books on child abuse.
Finally it has all caught up with me!!
As of right this minute:
1) My husband is pissed at me and we are starting to really annoy each the hell out of each other. I am tired of tip toeing around him and I know he is going to be pissed if I just let myself go. Things are fixing to get really ugly folks. But honestly I can’t keep living with someone who I am not allowed to speak to freely.
2) I have a huge work project that is due NOW (just found out, but knew it was coming). I have put the dead line off until next Wednesday. I have no business typing this blog right now because I should be working. If I have to work this weekend my husband is going to be super pissed off because it is deer season here.
AND we just switched banks and there is a ton of stuff I need to do ASAP related to that.
3) My dog has fleas and I feel like it’s a losing battle. Vet says to give it 3 months. So for three months I don’t take my dog away from home? She usually goes everywhere with me. AND… I can’t take her to KPs house with fleas because his dog will get them. Pain in the ass!
4) I think, finally, Uwe and I are not speaking and it is going to stick. Please o please let this heart ache just be over.
5) I am worried about Friss.
6) My 6 year old has been crabby and demanding and both my husband and I are 100% out of patience and not sure what to do about it. (Someone send me a nanny!)
7) I had a fender bender the other day and need to get my car fixed but I don’t have any time or energy to deal with it.
8) I am so tired……..I want to just go to sleep until spring.
9) Saw George today and left in tears. Tired of talking about my husband. It’s a waste of time to go to a marriage therapist at this point.
10) and Christmas is coming and I should start planning for that. You know, start buying gifts, think about putting up a tree. OMG I am not ready for winter or the holidays! I want to run away and hide from the real world so badly!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Deer Hunting
I think it would be very good for me to blog daily. I need to set aside a time slot and just get things down on paper. I need to worry less about content and more about quantity. I can always review my notes later to extract what was actually important. But if I don’t write anything down then there is no record at all and right now there is so much going on that I really need to capture.
This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.
I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?
I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”
I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!
He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!
For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.
That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie. My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.
Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?
Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.
Me: what about deer hunting?
Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)
Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?
I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.
Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?
Husband: Yes I do.
Me: what time would you like to go?
Husband: before light.
Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?
Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.
Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!
Me: and when will you be done for the morning?
Husband: should be back by 9.
Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?
Husband: yes
Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?
Husband: yes
UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??
I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.
I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.
I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????
This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.
I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?
I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”
I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!
He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!
For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.
That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie. My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.
Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?
Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.
Me: what about deer hunting?
Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)
Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?
I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.
Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?
Husband: Yes I do.
Me: what time would you like to go?
Husband: before light.
Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?
Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.
Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!
Me: and when will you be done for the morning?
Husband: should be back by 9.
Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?
Husband: yes
Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?
Husband: yes
UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??
I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.
I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.
I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Rewriting History
Yesterday there was some more drama regarding Uwe. I won’t bore you with the details but the guy is a freaking narcissistic jerk who is always accusing me of doing lowly things and then says if I don't deny it it must be true. (I try very hard not humor him with an argument.)
Then I found out he shared some personal things about me with a mutual friend; a mutual friend that he has just started dating. This greatly concerns me because after talking to both of them I am sure he has lied to her. And even better still this revealing story he told her was framed as an “I must be completely honest with you” discussion to make him look good in her eyes. BARF
Now here is the thing. The lie is set up so that if I tell her he is lying it is highly likely she will think I am covering my tracks and not believe me anyway. In fact, he has painted me as insecure and needy and him as a big hero all summer long for sticking by my side as TRUE friend. And she will probably tell him which will make him angry and he will lash out at me again in some way.
So it has been eating at me. I barely slept last night. I feel that I am betraying a friendship if I am not honest with her and I am super pissed that this jerk-wad has set it up so he can lie, look good and get away with it. Keep in mind that all of our mutual friends think he is a super duper nice guy because almost all the crap he did to me was when no one was looking.
Oh and I know the story he told her because he tried it on me too. He is trying to backtrack now and rationalize all the mean things he did to me this summer by saying that I wanted to be more than friends and that he took the high ground and told me no and started to distance himself from me for my own good and the good of my family. When he told me this, I called him out for making shit up and trying to rewrite history. Seriously it took him all summer to come up with this version that makes him guilt free for his actions towards me. Nice try but I certainly know better.
Also, this mutual friend is a child abuse survivor who I have confided in before about my family issues AND the fact that Uwe had been hurting me too. She too has a similar background (they can smell it in us). She is going to be easy prey for a manipulative narcissistic person like him.
So I go to KP and tell him the whole story. He calmly leans back and says it is none of my business and I should just butt out; that I get too worked up over things that really don’t matter. That Uwe is not a friend to me and I need to just stay away from him and not talk to him. That woman always, eventually, figure out what he is really like (he has never been married and is 48 years old) and mutual friend has to find out on her own.
I told KP it is not fair that he is using me and making me look bad so he looks good especially after all the hurtful things he has said and done to me. KP pointed out that I cannot control other people, that I have done nothing wrong and that I should hold my head up and let the real truth come to light in it’s own time.
What do you think? Do I just MYOB and try not to think about it? Do I tell her my side even if she won’t believe me? Maybe it will cast a doubt in her mind? Then again it might just force an even bigger riff in our circle of friends because people are already telling me they don't want to be in the middle. :( He is better at "working" the crowd so I am going to be friendless soon.
At the end of the day I am just so weary of all this stupid drama!
All I did was a have a friend that I believed in and this is how it turns out.
FML
Then I found out he shared some personal things about me with a mutual friend; a mutual friend that he has just started dating. This greatly concerns me because after talking to both of them I am sure he has lied to her. And even better still this revealing story he told her was framed as an “I must be completely honest with you” discussion to make him look good in her eyes. BARF
Now here is the thing. The lie is set up so that if I tell her he is lying it is highly likely she will think I am covering my tracks and not believe me anyway. In fact, he has painted me as insecure and needy and him as a big hero all summer long for sticking by my side as TRUE friend. And she will probably tell him which will make him angry and he will lash out at me again in some way.
So it has been eating at me. I barely slept last night. I feel that I am betraying a friendship if I am not honest with her and I am super pissed that this jerk-wad has set it up so he can lie, look good and get away with it. Keep in mind that all of our mutual friends think he is a super duper nice guy because almost all the crap he did to me was when no one was looking.
Oh and I know the story he told her because he tried it on me too. He is trying to backtrack now and rationalize all the mean things he did to me this summer by saying that I wanted to be more than friends and that he took the high ground and told me no and started to distance himself from me for my own good and the good of my family. When he told me this, I called him out for making shit up and trying to rewrite history. Seriously it took him all summer to come up with this version that makes him guilt free for his actions towards me. Nice try but I certainly know better.
Also, this mutual friend is a child abuse survivor who I have confided in before about my family issues AND the fact that Uwe had been hurting me too. She too has a similar background (they can smell it in us). She is going to be easy prey for a manipulative narcissistic person like him.
So I go to KP and tell him the whole story. He calmly leans back and says it is none of my business and I should just butt out; that I get too worked up over things that really don’t matter. That Uwe is not a friend to me and I need to just stay away from him and not talk to him. That woman always, eventually, figure out what he is really like (he has never been married and is 48 years old) and mutual friend has to find out on her own.
I told KP it is not fair that he is using me and making me look bad so he looks good especially after all the hurtful things he has said and done to me. KP pointed out that I cannot control other people, that I have done nothing wrong and that I should hold my head up and let the real truth come to light in it’s own time.
What do you think? Do I just MYOB and try not to think about it? Do I tell her my side even if she won’t believe me? Maybe it will cast a doubt in her mind? Then again it might just force an even bigger riff in our circle of friends because people are already telling me they don't want to be in the middle. :( He is better at "working" the crowd so I am going to be friendless soon.
At the end of the day I am just so weary of all this stupid drama!
All I did was a have a friend that I believed in and this is how it turns out.
FML
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Feeling Paranoid
Mostly, throughout my life, the people I have come into contact with have, in one way or another, duped me into thinking they are nice, kind, souls who actually care about me (on some level) only to have me find out later that they were being deceptive or they had ulterior motives or they were just completely full of shit or, at the very worst, they were just mistaken to be interested in me.
So lately I find that I am feeling hyper vigilant for signs, any signs, that this man who is being so nice to me is just up to no good. That he has a hidden agenda; that one day I will be saying to myself “damn I should have seen that coming!”
If you watch for red flags hard enough you WILL find them!?
And, the few people that never actually fucked me over on purpose were probably guilty of fucking me over by accident; by either being helpless (ex-husband) or needy or selfish (current husband).
Also, at the same time it kind of occurred to me that my husband is not particularly fond of watching our daughter and should we get divorced I am sure that he would not be the kind and helpful ex that happily watches the kid for me so I can go on ski trips with my friends. (need to book if I plan on going in February!) In fact I suspect he will want to get her only when he feels it will cause me the most inconvenience and not the other way around.
I mean really, given his history, I am pretty positive that should I tell him it is over he will feel he has nothing to lose and he will unleash all his nastiness on me. I am fairly confident that his lowest behaviors are lower than my wildest dreams. In other words, he will stop at nothing to make my life living hell.
Next month I have a trip to NYC planned and I am doing my best to keep the peace at home until that trip is over. (I could not sleep at night thinking I left the state and he was angry and may be throwing everything I own in the trash.)
Then, in December I have an out-of-town half marathon. Again, I don’t think I should make waves or this trip will get screwed up. BUT, at what point do I say I can’t keep putting off having a frank discussion with him because I think he will then be up for ruining my life if he thinks he has nothing to lose.
AND to top it all off, he has been nice. We have not been fighting. He has been letting me do whatever I want and not complaining at all. I don’t come home until late….he doesn’t get angry. I am not giving him sex lately (another blog post) and he has not been nagging. I have been kissing him good-bye (to be polite) but other than that, no signs of affection. Frankly I am just tired of “pretending” we have a real relationship when it doesn’t feel like one to me at all. And, he has been perfectly pleasant to me. Could he be lulling me into a false sense of calm, to make me think that he is not such a bad person? Make me wonder if he is capable of a fair and peaceful divorce?
Or maybe he is just trying to trick me into not asking for a divorce. Maybe he can feel it coming and is just bending over backwards to be kind and accepting and easy to get along with so I won’t pull the trigger?
Seriously though, we don’t talk, we don’t hang out, and we don’t make plans to do things together. We just swap kid and house duties and generally stay out of each other’s way. This is NOT a marriage!!
BUT still I have a babysitter and someone to share the bills with and it’s not that bad. Especially when I can go do pretty much whatever I want most of the time. Should I actually leave him (or kick him out since I own the house) I am sure I would have less freedom, less money and a less kindness from him.
I guess what I am saying is I know this is going to suck and I am still not 100% convinced I should go through with it. I have no family to support me. I have no close friends to help me out. I have a few shaky relationships that I don’t really trust at this point and that is about it.
GOD I AM SICK OF FEELING ALONE!
AGAIN…HOW THE HELL DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS WHERE ALL CHOICES SUCK!?!?!
So lately I find that I am feeling hyper vigilant for signs, any signs, that this man who is being so nice to me is just up to no good. That he has a hidden agenda; that one day I will be saying to myself “damn I should have seen that coming!”
If you watch for red flags hard enough you WILL find them!?
And, the few people that never actually fucked me over on purpose were probably guilty of fucking me over by accident; by either being helpless (ex-husband) or needy or selfish (current husband).
Also, at the same time it kind of occurred to me that my husband is not particularly fond of watching our daughter and should we get divorced I am sure that he would not be the kind and helpful ex that happily watches the kid for me so I can go on ski trips with my friends. (need to book if I plan on going in February!) In fact I suspect he will want to get her only when he feels it will cause me the most inconvenience and not the other way around.
I mean really, given his history, I am pretty positive that should I tell him it is over he will feel he has nothing to lose and he will unleash all his nastiness on me. I am fairly confident that his lowest behaviors are lower than my wildest dreams. In other words, he will stop at nothing to make my life living hell.
Next month I have a trip to NYC planned and I am doing my best to keep the peace at home until that trip is over. (I could not sleep at night thinking I left the state and he was angry and may be throwing everything I own in the trash.)
Then, in December I have an out-of-town half marathon. Again, I don’t think I should make waves or this trip will get screwed up. BUT, at what point do I say I can’t keep putting off having a frank discussion with him because I think he will then be up for ruining my life if he thinks he has nothing to lose.
AND to top it all off, he has been nice. We have not been fighting. He has been letting me do whatever I want and not complaining at all. I don’t come home until late….he doesn’t get angry. I am not giving him sex lately (another blog post) and he has not been nagging. I have been kissing him good-bye (to be polite) but other than that, no signs of affection. Frankly I am just tired of “pretending” we have a real relationship when it doesn’t feel like one to me at all. And, he has been perfectly pleasant to me. Could he be lulling me into a false sense of calm, to make me think that he is not such a bad person? Make me wonder if he is capable of a fair and peaceful divorce?
Or maybe he is just trying to trick me into not asking for a divorce. Maybe he can feel it coming and is just bending over backwards to be kind and accepting and easy to get along with so I won’t pull the trigger?
Seriously though, we don’t talk, we don’t hang out, and we don’t make plans to do things together. We just swap kid and house duties and generally stay out of each other’s way. This is NOT a marriage!!
BUT still I have a babysitter and someone to share the bills with and it’s not that bad. Especially when I can go do pretty much whatever I want most of the time. Should I actually leave him (or kick him out since I own the house) I am sure I would have less freedom, less money and a less kindness from him.
I guess what I am saying is I know this is going to suck and I am still not 100% convinced I should go through with it. I have no family to support me. I have no close friends to help me out. I have a few shaky relationships that I don’t really trust at this point and that is about it.
GOD I AM SICK OF FEELING ALONE!
AGAIN…HOW THE HELL DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS WHERE ALL CHOICES SUCK!?!?!
Friday, October 25, 2013
Pros and Cons
Why don’t I leave my husband since I am obviously not happy in my marriage?
1) I will feel like a failure for once again not being successful at marriage.
2) I don’t want my daughter to have to grow up being shuttled back and forth between two houses with her having to think about which days she is at which parents home.
3) I like the financial security of sharing the bills.
4) I am well aware of how unpleasant a divorce (or even a break-up) can be. Often I feel too emotionally week to handle all the grief that will surely come during the process of getting divorced.
5) I fear that I will never meet a “real” partner in life and don’t want to be “all alone” in the world.
6) I don’t want to let other people down….people (like my MIL) that will be disappointed by a divorce.
7) I worry that I might regret it. That the grass won’t be greener on the other side.
8) I think my husband is capable of being a mean and nasty person and I worry he will unleash it all at me if he feels he has nothing to lose.
9) I love my daughters school and living in this town. If we divorce I may have no choice but to move or at least put my daughter in a different school.
Why I should leave my husband.
1) My emotional needs are not getting met and I keep seeking others out to fill them. I am concerned this will ultimately lead me to be unfaithful.
2) I want my daughter to see a happy, healthy relationship as she grows up, not two people tolerating each other. Even though my husband and I don’t actively fight much anymore, we surely don’t set a good example of how a healthy loving couple should behave.
3) If it weren’t for my daughter I never would have married him nor would I feel the need to stay married now.
4) At this very moment I may be missing out on the chance at a great relationship with a great person.
5) I could have more adventures if I didn’t feel tied down by my marriage.
6) My husband and I are not friends and usually do not like spending time with each other.
7) The ways he reacts to me are always the exact opposite of what I NEED in a partner.
8) He triggers all my childhood traumas and wounds and makes me feel generally uncomfortable when he is around.
9) He is not capable of intimacy as far as I can tell.
1) I will feel like a failure for once again not being successful at marriage.
2) I don’t want my daughter to have to grow up being shuttled back and forth between two houses with her having to think about which days she is at which parents home.
3) I like the financial security of sharing the bills.
4) I am well aware of how unpleasant a divorce (or even a break-up) can be. Often I feel too emotionally week to handle all the grief that will surely come during the process of getting divorced.
5) I fear that I will never meet a “real” partner in life and don’t want to be “all alone” in the world.
6) I don’t want to let other people down….people (like my MIL) that will be disappointed by a divorce.
7) I worry that I might regret it. That the grass won’t be greener on the other side.
8) I think my husband is capable of being a mean and nasty person and I worry he will unleash it all at me if he feels he has nothing to lose.
9) I love my daughters school and living in this town. If we divorce I may have no choice but to move or at least put my daughter in a different school.
Why I should leave my husband.
1) My emotional needs are not getting met and I keep seeking others out to fill them. I am concerned this will ultimately lead me to be unfaithful.
2) I want my daughter to see a happy, healthy relationship as she grows up, not two people tolerating each other. Even though my husband and I don’t actively fight much anymore, we surely don’t set a good example of how a healthy loving couple should behave.
3) If it weren’t for my daughter I never would have married him nor would I feel the need to stay married now.
4) At this very moment I may be missing out on the chance at a great relationship with a great person.
5) I could have more adventures if I didn’t feel tied down by my marriage.
6) My husband and I are not friends and usually do not like spending time with each other.
7) The ways he reacts to me are always the exact opposite of what I NEED in a partner.
8) He triggers all my childhood traumas and wounds and makes me feel generally uncomfortable when he is around.
9) He is not capable of intimacy as far as I can tell.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Today in George's Office
George says "[my name], you are a very VERY analytic person but you need to understand that you can’t fix your emotional problems with cognitive activities. You can’t logic your way into being a more emotionally sound person. It is like trying to clean the inside of your house while you are outdoors. Emotional issues are dealt with on a different level. You have to feel them, not think about them."
My response “well that makes sense.”
...............And we laughed!!
My response “well that makes sense.”
...............And we laughed!!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Thanks Brene Brown
Today on Facebook, a friend posted a link to Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday talk with Dr. Brene Brown.
I watched one and then another and at this point, I concede that my day will be spent on these YouTube clips.
I thought you (my blog friends) might find these clips equally informative / enlightening.
CLICK HERE
I so relate to these.......
I am the perfectionist who is trying to prove her worth.
I AM terrified by joy.
I need to listen to these over and over again so they sink in!!
Thanks Brene Brown!!
I watched one and then another and at this point, I concede that my day will be spent on these YouTube clips.
I thought you (my blog friends) might find these clips equally informative / enlightening.
CLICK HERE
I so relate to these.......
I am the perfectionist who is trying to prove her worth.
I AM terrified by joy.
I need to listen to these over and over again so they sink in!!
Thanks Brene Brown!!
Simple and Wise
"You be you and I'll be me and everything will work out the way it is meant to be."
That is what he said. Simple, yet so perfectly accurate and wise.
You see, this morning KP and I had one of our first "disagreements". Actually that's not true, it was more of a miscommunication and it was basically my fault. At times I am not particularly good at conveying what I mean. My thoughts can be a little too busy to put gracefully into words so I get clunky.
So, since he is one to always speak his mind he pointed out that something I said had concerned him. I was glad he did because what he heard and what I meant were not the same thing. Of course I did my best to explain and then felt bad for creating the confusion.
When it was all said and done the air was cleared and once again he put things in perspective perfectly by telling me the above.
That is what he said. Simple, yet so perfectly accurate and wise.
You see, this morning KP and I had one of our first "disagreements". Actually that's not true, it was more of a miscommunication and it was basically my fault. At times I am not particularly good at conveying what I mean. My thoughts can be a little too busy to put gracefully into words so I get clunky.
So, since he is one to always speak his mind he pointed out that something I said had concerned him. I was glad he did because what he heard and what I meant were not the same thing. Of course I did my best to explain and then felt bad for creating the confusion.
When it was all said and done the air was cleared and once again he put things in perspective perfectly by telling me the above.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Living
Today we went for a 3 hour motorcycle ride.
It was glorious, a beautiful, sunny fall day.
My iPod loaded with my favorite tunes.
My favorite person vigilantly piloting his Harley through the countryside.
Two people happy as hell to be with each other.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Down the Rabbit Hole
The other day I was thinking about how I am stuck right now in this middle ground. A nowhere land that everything is fucked up. A dark corner that only I, with my gift for fucking up my own life, could have possibly backed myself into. Yes I have a knack for just doing everything wrong and making my life a living hell even when each step of the way I try so damn hard to do the right thing and make good choices and live a loving, decent, caring life. How does someone have such good intentions yet end up doing such a poor job?
On one side of me stands a dysfunctional marriage that should I leave it would be a long (months if not years) and painful task (am I even strong enough to go through with it?) and result in me shuttling my sweet baby girl back and forth between two homes for the next 10 years. Heartbreaking. Not to mention the sense of failure, once again, for not making a good choice on who to marry; for not making it work.
On the other side I have the potential for what might be a REAL loving and happy relationship but it is really too far out of reach at this point. It can’t be real for a long time and there is no guarantee that it will ever be real. The longer it goes on like this the more I worry it is just going to implode because, let’s be honest here, there is just TOO MUCH garbage between me and the reality of a true life with KP.
I don't want to hurt anyone!
So what do I do? I cry, and hate myself and want to hide from the world and run away from myself. Why can’t I just disappear? I want to call in sick to work and get a bottle of wine and just stay home and cry and drink until I can’t feel anything. I hate my life so much it hurts (or maybe I hurt so bad I hate myself) and I have only myself to blame for how my life is now. I got myself into this, no one else did. There is no good solution. All directions will suck. I have to chop off one arm or the other!!
It all feels so fucking hopeless and ridiculous and I can barely stand IT.
THEN…KP calls….I tell him exactly what I am thinking. He listens with patience and wisdom. He tells me not to worry, to quit hating myself because that serves no good purpose. That is does nothing to make things better for anyone. He tells me to think about what will make me happy; to focus on the future and how I can make the future a better situation. He is so damn supportive and kind and positive that I suddenly feel foolish for having headed down the rabbit hole of self-loathing. I promise him I will go to work and not be self-destructive.
So I go to work and feel better and realize I can take this one day at a time and the world won’t end and I will survive and who knows, maybe tomorrow a solution will come to me and it will all work out for the best.
Why can’t I talk myself out of the rabbit hole? Why do I need him to help me?
On one side of me stands a dysfunctional marriage that should I leave it would be a long (months if not years) and painful task (am I even strong enough to go through with it?) and result in me shuttling my sweet baby girl back and forth between two homes for the next 10 years. Heartbreaking. Not to mention the sense of failure, once again, for not making a good choice on who to marry; for not making it work.
On the other side I have the potential for what might be a REAL loving and happy relationship but it is really too far out of reach at this point. It can’t be real for a long time and there is no guarantee that it will ever be real. The longer it goes on like this the more I worry it is just going to implode because, let’s be honest here, there is just TOO MUCH garbage between me and the reality of a true life with KP.
I don't want to hurt anyone!
So what do I do? I cry, and hate myself and want to hide from the world and run away from myself. Why can’t I just disappear? I want to call in sick to work and get a bottle of wine and just stay home and cry and drink until I can’t feel anything. I hate my life so much it hurts (or maybe I hurt so bad I hate myself) and I have only myself to blame for how my life is now. I got myself into this, no one else did. There is no good solution. All directions will suck. I have to chop off one arm or the other!!
It all feels so fucking hopeless and ridiculous and I can barely stand IT.
THEN…KP calls….I tell him exactly what I am thinking. He listens with patience and wisdom. He tells me not to worry, to quit hating myself because that serves no good purpose. That is does nothing to make things better for anyone. He tells me to think about what will make me happy; to focus on the future and how I can make the future a better situation. He is so damn supportive and kind and positive that I suddenly feel foolish for having headed down the rabbit hole of self-loathing. I promise him I will go to work and not be self-destructive.
So I go to work and feel better and realize I can take this one day at a time and the world won’t end and I will survive and who knows, maybe tomorrow a solution will come to me and it will all work out for the best.
Why can’t I talk myself out of the rabbit hole? Why do I need him to help me?
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wedding Anniversary
I did go buy a card. I had to dig through the really sentimental ones to find the not so mushy card for my husband because, sadly, no he is not the love of my life or my best friend. Tomorrow, to celebrate, we have a little family outing planned. Hopefully it will be nice.
It’s been a month now since me and “KP” changed from being just friends to a bit more. Since then we have been talking to each other a lot….like hours and hours. We have grown very close (no we are not having sex). He is a breath of fresh air in my otherwise dreary life. He really listens to me. He is brutally honest with me. He is a wise man who has already given me the right advice at the right moment more than once. He has the most gentle and kind heart I have ever encountered on a man that is my age and single. He raised his two kids on his own after his wife ran off. He chose not to date while raising them to keep their lives simple and drama free. He has not dated for 14 years!
I know what we are doing is not right, but I cannot turn my back on the chance that this could be something really special. I know that only time will tell. For now we are just getting to know each other on a deeper level. For now we are both waiting to see what will happen when the “shiny new” wears off.
We have however, had very frank discussions about my marriage and why I bother to continue in it. I know exactly why I stay but to an outsider it seems ridiculous. I don’t think I will ever be happy in my marriage. There was a time when I thought it might all work out. There was a time when I very much longed for change and worked hard to make things better. Lately I feel that it is futile so I have given up for the most part. Funny that my husband doesn’t even pick up on any of this. He just hums along in his little selfish bubble and is happy to have basically nothing to do with me except the occasional sexual encounter.
So KP says he has no idea why I don’t leave since I admit that my husband will never make me happy. I am 100% sure he says this out of compassion for me not any selfish motive. It is refreshing to be around a man that is not a selfish pig.
I can not help but recognize that many a good solid long term relationship has started like this. My father left my mother for his wife and they lived happily ever after for like 40 years until he died last summer. Rocco and his “affair” are very happy and have declared their love the love of a life time. And I know many others. My point is this….if KP could be the love of my life I am not going to write it off just because my jerk of a husband broke down and married me 4 years ago after he told me he never would. I am kicking myself in the ass now for trying so hard to make our life together work; for forcing a relationship that was never on solid ground. I did it for Bean. I did it for what I thought was a good reasons.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Thursday With George
Today I told George about the whole train ride fiasco. He said that he thinks my husband and I both mean well but we are not mixing well. Like oil and water. Nothing wrong with oil; nothing wrong with water, but they just don’t mix well. I know he is right, that my husband was NOT trying to be an ass. I am sure at the end of the day he felt I was unreasonable and squashed all the fun and that he won’t be planning any trips from now on because I am too hard to please. Depressing, and of course we never talked about it.
George also said that he believes that if Husband and I would just spend more time together; a lot more time together, all the issues would work themselves out. He said that most couples just need to spend more time with each other and they will automatically communicate better and become closer. I even have a friend who told me buying a boat saved his marriage. When I asked why he said that he and his wife now spend all weekend together in the boat. This all makes sense to me. At first I was thinking he is right and that is a plan of action I can focus on making happen. I can ask Husband for more time. He did go for a bike with me on my birthday and it was fun. Then I remembered the weekend at the lake when we went for a hike together. He didn’t want to actually have a conversation with me. He is not talkative. It was no fun at all. In the final analysis I always come back to the same thing. He doesn’t feel the need to interact with me. He doesn’t enjoy my company or seek it out. I really think more time together will not help. In fact, we started getting along much better when I decided to get out of the house more and have a life on my own. Depressing.
Whenever I ask husband to do something with me he always says “sure” and acts interested. But then when the date draws near it always turns into him wiggling out of it or the whole thing turning into some sort of unpleasant, overly complicated situation. Nothing is ever easy with him and I am really tired of it all.
I finally finished my book “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse”. The more I read and understand how I am emotionally effected by my upbringing, the more I realize that almost all of the things my husband does that drive me crazy, make me edgy or even uncomfortable are the things my parents did to harm me. In essence he is abusing me just like they did. He may be fine for someone else, but all the things he does that suit his needs tend to be the exact opposite of the things I need.
Example: I like people who are predictable and even tempered. When I was a child, the mood in our house was always unpredictable so as children we were always on edge not knowing what might happen next. My father could be terribly nice one moment but then smack you off your feet the next moment in a sudden fit of anger. My husband is moody and unpredictable which keeps me feeling off balance.
Example: I need communication and interaction. My parents treated me as less than human. I was abused by neglect. My father physically left me and my mother was never emotionally or socially interested in interacting. When husband ignores me it makes me feel unwanted and unloved (and he does it all the time). When husband won’t communicate with me it leads me to believe I am not worth his time or effort. He makes me feel unloved just like my parents did. Husband and I have one “real” talk a month at best.
Example: I need to be told (shown) I am valued. When I was growing up I was taught threw actions and words that I was not important. I now enjoy relationships with people who act like they like me and say nice things to me, etc. I mean that is just normal; don’t all people what to feel valued by their friends and family. My husband never gives me sincere compliments or acts appreciative. He will flip a sarcastic comment my way every once in a while and think he is doing me a huge favor.
There is more but I am tired of going on about it. He is just NOT what I need and George seems to think we could be good for each other if we did indeed pull each other out of our opposite corners and meet in the middle; that we could facilitate growth in each other. But here is the thing……why not just surround yourself with people that get you; people that are already in your same corner?
I just don’t think I am on board with George anymore. He is doing a great job as a marriage counselor by doing everything in his power to save my marriage. But at this point in my life I am more interested in healing the emotionally scarred child inside me and quite frankly, my husband only continues to wound me and I can’t change that unless he wants to change.
And I really need to have a talk with my husband and explain all this to him. Give him a chance to save our marriage. Inform him of his options. Because right now I feel I need to be away from him in order to feel mentally healthy. Sadly though….he never wants to talk.
George also said that he believes that if Husband and I would just spend more time together; a lot more time together, all the issues would work themselves out. He said that most couples just need to spend more time with each other and they will automatically communicate better and become closer. I even have a friend who told me buying a boat saved his marriage. When I asked why he said that he and his wife now spend all weekend together in the boat. This all makes sense to me. At first I was thinking he is right and that is a plan of action I can focus on making happen. I can ask Husband for more time. He did go for a bike with me on my birthday and it was fun. Then I remembered the weekend at the lake when we went for a hike together. He didn’t want to actually have a conversation with me. He is not talkative. It was no fun at all. In the final analysis I always come back to the same thing. He doesn’t feel the need to interact with me. He doesn’t enjoy my company or seek it out. I really think more time together will not help. In fact, we started getting along much better when I decided to get out of the house more and have a life on my own. Depressing.
Whenever I ask husband to do something with me he always says “sure” and acts interested. But then when the date draws near it always turns into him wiggling out of it or the whole thing turning into some sort of unpleasant, overly complicated situation. Nothing is ever easy with him and I am really tired of it all.
I finally finished my book “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse”. The more I read and understand how I am emotionally effected by my upbringing, the more I realize that almost all of the things my husband does that drive me crazy, make me edgy or even uncomfortable are the things my parents did to harm me. In essence he is abusing me just like they did. He may be fine for someone else, but all the things he does that suit his needs tend to be the exact opposite of the things I need.
Example: I like people who are predictable and even tempered. When I was a child, the mood in our house was always unpredictable so as children we were always on edge not knowing what might happen next. My father could be terribly nice one moment but then smack you off your feet the next moment in a sudden fit of anger. My husband is moody and unpredictable which keeps me feeling off balance.
Example: I need communication and interaction. My parents treated me as less than human. I was abused by neglect. My father physically left me and my mother was never emotionally or socially interested in interacting. When husband ignores me it makes me feel unwanted and unloved (and he does it all the time). When husband won’t communicate with me it leads me to believe I am not worth his time or effort. He makes me feel unloved just like my parents did. Husband and I have one “real” talk a month at best.
Example: I need to be told (shown) I am valued. When I was growing up I was taught threw actions and words that I was not important. I now enjoy relationships with people who act like they like me and say nice things to me, etc. I mean that is just normal; don’t all people what to feel valued by their friends and family. My husband never gives me sincere compliments or acts appreciative. He will flip a sarcastic comment my way every once in a while and think he is doing me a huge favor.
There is more but I am tired of going on about it. He is just NOT what I need and George seems to think we could be good for each other if we did indeed pull each other out of our opposite corners and meet in the middle; that we could facilitate growth in each other. But here is the thing……why not just surround yourself with people that get you; people that are already in your same corner?
I just don’t think I am on board with George anymore. He is doing a great job as a marriage counselor by doing everything in his power to save my marriage. But at this point in my life I am more interested in healing the emotionally scarred child inside me and quite frankly, my husband only continues to wound me and I can’t change that unless he wants to change.
And I really need to have a talk with my husband and explain all this to him. Give him a chance to save our marriage. Inform him of his options. Because right now I feel I need to be away from him in order to feel mentally healthy. Sadly though….he never wants to talk.
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