Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda and What if?

Last night I met JDK to exchange the girl.  We met at her school in the parking lot.  I pulled into the lot in the dark and sat there waiting.  For a moment I thought to myself "it's like a drug deal but instead it is my child."  The parking lot is about 1/2 between the two homes and we have done this for convenience sake.  Still, I was not in the right mood last night. 

Partly because I was passing the kid to him so he could deliver her to his parents for another 2 day visit.  I need to work today, but she could have joined me.  I have missed her and didn't want her to leave.  He was trying to free us up so we can do work or what ever we need to do.  He meant well, I just didn't want her to go.  She was excited to get back to G&G's house after spending 3 days last week including Christmas eve and Christmas Day. 

When he pulled in I grabbed the girls things from my car and flung them into his back seat, gave her a kiss and got out of there.  It seems like the less interaction I have with him the better off I am.  I am done saying anything to him about how I still struggle or hurt.  I know that is stupid and I won't do it ever again. 

I glanced at him once in the dim light.  His hair is cut nice, he had on a new sweater, he was probably spiffied up because he was headed to his girlfriends house.  She lives close to the drop off location that we use to exchange the child with G&G.  I didn't want to take in any more information so I just left quickly.

On the drive back home I told myself to put it out of my mind and I would feel better and that thinking about him AT ALL is a stupid waste of my brain space.

Back home my evening was boring but I found it hard to fall asleep.  Once I did finally nod off I had bad dreams.  I don't remember all of them because I am actively trying NOT to think about the "woulda, shoulda, coulda" or "what if" or the WHY?? of it all.   I just want him out of my head!

It is simple.  He chose to disrespect me for 8 years.  Only a shitty person would do that.  I do not care how wonderful he seems to be behaving now.  It is none of my business.

The one dream I remember was weird; they usually are strange.  In this one I was running and enjoying my run....I was running smoothly and feeling effortless but then he would get in my way and force me to cut my stride short making my run feel awkward.  You know like when the kid wants to push the shopping cart at the grocery store and it makes you crazy cause they are always in the way to where ever you want to walk.  When I told him it was bothering me and asked him to stop he got angry with me and was hurtful.....i was hurt that he was mad. 

Anyway, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to "decode" that dream.

Also, I don't have health insurance starting January 1.  The other night I had a dream there were holes in my body and insect living in them but I didn't want to go to the doctor because I couldn't afford it.  These lesions actually smelled and were oozy!  It was very real feeling and totally disgusting.  I woke up thinking to myself "my mind is a really fucked up place!"

Anyhow......I didn't get much sleep and I am not sure what to do at this point.  My mind won't freakin leave me alone. 

Grumping

I spent the whole day yesterday (Friday 12-26-14) just grumping around the house.  It was not pretty.  It was a waste of time (other than the updates to the blog).  I ate too much junk.  I drank to much wine.  I didn't really get anything accomplished other than driving Monster to the gym and back.

I woke up this morning and was still a bit grumped out.  In fact, I can now be grumpy that I wasted a the whole day yesterday that was fairly nice outside.   I didn't feel like running so Kevin went to run without me.  I really should have went along.

Last night he came over to my house.  I was all curled up on the couch being pathetic.  He cuddled me and told me he loved me and life felt a whole lot better.   He spent the night here which is always nice.

We were talking in bed this morning and I said to him "I should have gone to visit Friss yesterday!"  I was actually beating myself up for not doing that.  Then he reminded me that JDK was originally going to bring Beanie back at noon.  So when I planned my day I had assumed she would be home most of the day, not gone, so it made sense that I didn't plan a little trip to the state pen.   He is right....part of why I "wasted" the day was because I was here waiting to receive my child back and no doubt dreading seeing JDK.  I really wish I could go NC.

JDK did call around 10 am and inform me that he would bring her home around bed time.  Then, late in the evening he said it would be around 8:30.  I told him to keep her all night.  I am sure she is STILL sleeping right now which is a good thing.  If he had brought her back she would have wanted to stay up and open her presents here but she would have been too tired to really enjoy it.  Today, well rested, she will have fun opening gifts and I will try and get my positive attitude up and let go of the disappointment I am feeling because I didn't just keep her with me for Christmas which I think I could have done if I was more "ME" oriented and not trying to make EVERYONE happy but myself.

I really need to just do what I want and let JDK adjust to MY needs and wants.  

I really need to get some health insurance!!

I really need to get into a better diet and exercise routine.

OH.....last night Kevin was showing me all the new house research he had done.  He looked at the lots where we want to buy.  If the deal on the house we looked at doesn't go through (our real estate agent said it was in negotiations), we might still buy it but if it does go through, he thinks the lot next to it is open and we can build there.  Because he is in the roofing business he knows builders and knows who is good, etc.  He said he will contact the builder and see if we can get the house or build on the lot next to it.  I would love to build one just so I could have the cabinets that I pick out and stuff like that.  Then again building will take time and be stress filled.  Any-who.....he is working on it!

Post Christmas Feelings

This morning I woke up and before I even had a chance to think I was feeling down.  Then I thought....why do I feel down?

The answer, of course, is not simple.  There is a whole host of reasons.

1) I miss my Beanie and feel like she missed Christmas.
2) Ramone has a new tattoo and I worry about her.  I feel like a failure as a parent because I don't like the path she is on.
3) I was secretly hoping to get an engagement ring for Christmas....which didn't happen.  I don't think Kevin has changed his mind about me but I just think our time lines are off.  I don't mean to rush it but really if we are buying a house together I want to be married.  I think money is holding him back.  I think I got my hopes up and I shouldn't have.
4) I miss Friss and wish he was home for Christmas.  It is always a hard time to be missing a key family member.
5) First Christmas that I wasn't there when Beanie opened presents at her Grandparents.  Heartbreaking.....I miss her.......and them.
6) I have a tooth that feels "off" and of course I don't have insurance now so if I go to the dentist it will cost a few thousand dollars.  Yet it's scary to put off going because you don't know how much more damage is being done if you ignore the problem.  I would rather have a crown than a root canal!
7)After any big event it is normal to feel a bit of a let down......I feel it.

I spent the day moping.  I am glad I could just stay home, alone and update my blog and be in my own mind.....by myself.

Monster gave me some Tai food and now I am dining on an ice cream float.  I want to go to bed and not wake up until morning.  I think JDK is bringing Beanie back later.  I don't want to see him.

Christmas Day

This morning I got up at 4:45 and put on my winter running gear.  I met about 10 of my running buddies at the trail head at 5:30 a.m. (as usual).  I ran 6 miles with Bob and Dan and we averaged just under 9 minute miles.  This is fast for me at this point.  It was a fun yet challenging run.

Back home I peeled off my wet, cold running clothes and hopped back into bed with Kevin.  He was all "eww....you are cold!! don't touch me!"  I was all "I am cold!! WARM ME UP!".  He then cuddled and rubbed me for the next 45 minutes trying to warm me up.  We finally both fell back to sleep all snuggled up together. 

It was about 9 am when we finally climbed out of bed and cleaned up to greet Christmas day.

He gave me a beautiful, sentimental card and I gave him a key that I purchased at the craft show a few weeks ago...the key to my heart to be precise.  We both loved our "personal" gifts.

Back at his house we opened some gifts with his kids.  One of the gifts I got him was a montage photo frame.

this is the actual gift that I made for him.

He had his refrigerator covered with family photos and when we started the remodeling process to sell the house I took all of them down and put them in a safe place.  He missed them and had fished a bunch of them back out and put them back on the fridge.   Then Tuesday when he was at work, Beanie and I took the photos off the fridge and put them in this frame.  We then put some other photos back on the fridge in the hopes he would not notice any change.  Happily he never did catch on.

He is a big family guy and he loves his family photos.  When he opened this gift, in front of me and his two kids and his sons spouse he actually got emotional and covered his face.  He was overcome for a moment and I felt so good that I had touched his heart like he has touched mine so many times.  I really hope his kids got it.  He has a fierce love for his family!!

Next we headed to his folks house for the big Christmas get together.  I felt a little like a party crasher but mostly felt bad that Beanie was not along as she would have loved it.  There were other kids there......something she doesn't get at G&G's house.  I was missing her more than ever.

We dined on ham with all the fixings and then opened presents and socialized.  It was a very nice day and his family is really great.  They are all warm and loving and no one is crazy or drunk or what ever like my family.

Around 5 we headed home and at 6 pm Monster and Ramone came over to do Christmas with me.  Kevin and I made some dips and snacks to share and the kids seemed very hungry.  Come to find out they had no activities that day and could have gone with us to Kevin's family thing.  I wish I had known I would have so take then.  Next year...by golly... I will bring all my kids... and it will be so fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kevin has two kids.  Jordan is 23 and Aaron is 25 years old.  Aaron is married to Candice and they have a 3 year old son named Gage.  Jordan is just finishing up her masters degree this year and will be a dietitian when she graduates.   Aaron's wife is in the air force and he is a stay at home Dad for now.  Candice will get out this summer and they hope to move home where Candice will get a nursing degree and Aaron will get a full time job while Gage goes to preschool....Hopefully the same school Beanie went to which is a great school.

Shitty Gifts

Today, around 1 pm Beanie's Dad (JDK) showed up at my house to pick her up for Christmas.

He dropped off three things while he was here.

1) some wind chimes that where mine and I told him I wanted them back if he didn't want them. They had been hanging on the front porch and I knew he pulled them down because they had old wasp nests in them. They seem to be in working order....missing a part but that may have been gone a long time ago. This was nice of him.

2) a gift bag with some chocolate and a bottle of wine. So....this from a guy who is health conscious and knows I need to lose weight and a person who is always bitching that WE need to drink less alcohol.  I am not really impressed by this offering. It is drug store shopping and I would rather he didn't bother. (It wasn't even the special chocolate I would have preferred.)

3) A box all wrapped up in pretty paper with a big bow on it.

I opened the box after he left and this is what was in there; a bottle of run and a disc of some sort.  On the surface it seems nice enough.  In fact....is that a "mix tape"????  (GOD I am dating myself with such comments. LOL)  That could actually be sentimental or sweet.  (Not that I am holding out, no I am just saying, "what is he up to?")

Let us examine further this "gift"...........

Last time he got me some rum it was for valentines day 2013.  (The only time he got me rum because really it is a shitty gift no matter how you look at it.)  At that time we had a huge fight and he left the house and didn't come home all night.  I drank said run over the next 24 hours and was as sick and drunk and stupid as I have ever been.  I DO NOT LIKE hard liquor and would never drink run normally.  So, this gift was just a gentle reminder of a huge fight we had about a year before we got divorced.  He knows I do not like hard liquor!  Gift of rum = shitty gift!

The enclosed disc....what the hell is it?  I tried it in my CD player and it doesn't appear to be music.  The description that he wrote on it make me think maybe a cycling DVD to play on the TV and ride your bike to?  I tried it in my DVD player and it didn't work.  I haven't tried it on the PC yet....maybe it would do something then.  I can't even get it to play so SHITTY GIFT!!!

But, if indeed it is a workout video then why?  I took all of OUR work out videos because I had purchased them (paid for them).  I can't help but think this was his way of saying "I purchased more, better videos so you taking the ones we had is no big deal"  In other words "I win again!"  STILL A SHITTY GIFT!

OK, maybe he was trying to share something cool and was just in the spirit of giving but I really doubt that since................and this is the kicker!!!

The box he chose to wrap this all in is from some women's shoes.   I have never seen it before...not a box I left at his house so who do you think might have left it there?????  I don't know but it is my understanding there is only one other women who hangs out at his house and that would be his girlfriend Joslyn. 

Wait, why would SHE have the box at his house if she purchased them for herself?  Wouldn't that box be at her house?  No doubt he purchased them for her and that is why the box was at his house.  Maybe from her birthday?  and early Christmas gift?  I don't know and I don't care but really....do you think that might have been planned?  Did he do it just to punch me in the gut ONE MORE TIME?

I think he probably did.  I may be just making something out of nothing.  Maybe it was a box his secretary gave him or he found at the recycle bin.......but I don't think so.

Anyhow....the whole thing was just one crappy moment after the next which I really think he meant it to be.

I didn't get him anything.........nothing....zip............ZERO!

House Hunting

We have been house shopping like crazy.  My lease is up at the end of  March and I want to close on the new house by end of February so I can move with out rushing.  SO....we need a house by the end of January!

Recently  I found a house that was all we need...kind of perfect. Only a mile from Beanie's school. Kevin didn't like the location but he was willing to go there if it made me happy. I baulked at making an offer since I knew he was not totally enthusiastic.

After a week of stewing on it I told him that for us to find a house we both like that is in our "preferred location" we need to up our budget. He agreed to up it by $50K. so I called Julia and told her that we had decided we would look at houses in a higher price range. She sent me this house along with a few others. Today we went to see this house and I am SO in love with the floor plan!




3 car garage - perfect for two vehicles, a tractor and a motorcycle.  (not a fan of the stucco type exterior though)

Open floor plan so I can be in the kitchen and not miss out on anything.

Fireplace...room for a big TV and still plenty of windows.

BIG shower .....big enough for 2 people.  With no shower door!

view of the master bath looking into the master bedroom with a door onto the back deck.

Master closet.  BIG!  and best of all it links to the laundry room which has a door to the mud room off the garage.

Finished basement with mini kitchen.

Huge covered deck that over looks the private wooded lot.

We found out the house is currently in negotiation with a different buyer. If that fall through we will make an offer. And if it doesn't, there is a chance we can still build the same house near this one as there are still some lots for sale. I know building will suck but then I can pick lighter cabinets and stuff like that which would be nice. Anyhow....the process is still going and still stress filled but we are chugging along.

Christmas Eve Eve

Kevin and Beanie put up the tree last weekend while I was out running my 11 miler.  They had a great time.  When I arrived we all accessed the tree and decided it needed something more.  We Googled Christmas tree decorations and decided that the tree needed some ribbon.  I dutifully went to Michael's and purchased some fancy gold colored ribbon and this is how it turned out.  We also wanted to add pine cones but I couldn't find them in any store this late in the season.

I honestly can't remember the last time I put up a full size tree and had any enthusiasm for Christmas.  It is nice to actually enjoy the holiday and feel like a normal person that actually enjoys the holidays!

Tomorrow Beanie's dad will pick her up so she can spend Christmas proper with his parents and him.  It is what she has always done and I didn't think it was time to change things up yet.  She adores her Grandma more than anyone and she is there only grandchild (and probably the only one they will ever have since XH is not a fan of parenthood.)

Kevin and I let her open one of her presents so she could take it with her to G&G's house. 
  It really wasn't a surprise since she helped pick it out.  She LOVES this jacket and had a hard time waiting for it, but I think it is good for her to learn to wait for the things she wants in life.

So, I think all the shopping and wrapping is done and I am ready to do this thing!!  BRING IT!!

Project - Remodeling

We have been working on sprucing up Kevin's house so we can sell it. I think his son might buy it but still he deserves the updates. Last week was totally consumed by remodeling. We had a crew of 3 guys there all week.

We made some changes and upgrades to the electrical and light fixtures.

New Ceiling fan.

By far the biggest undertaking was a new bathroom downstairs.  The old one was over 20 years old and just disgusting.  I didn't get a "before" photo and for that I apologize. 

New vanity with faucet.  We still need to buy a mirror.

new light fixture

new toilet and tile floor!

new tile around tub, but kept the original solid bathtub.

 

My attempt at a cool panoramic shot.

 

We also ordered a new counter top and purchased a dishwasher. The house has NEVER had a dishwasher before!!! We lose a cabinet but gain a dishwashere so it all fits in. I will put up pictures when that is all done.

I also pulled down some old wall paper and now need to paint in the kitchen.

So.....the paneling was intended to be painted but I think it looks fine.  What do you think?

Running Challenge Finished

 

Thursday Stina showed up even though it had snowed.  She is pregnant and does not want to fall!  She ran about 5 miles with me and then thought it prudent to get her butt home and beg her husband not to be too angry that she ran outside.  I finished up my 7 all by myself but the music was good and the sun came up on the snowy trail so it was so beautiful I ran a little extra.

Friday afternoon I barely managed to get my 6 miles in before I had to pick up my daughter from school.  This time the extra mileage was due to a potty break that required me to go a bit off course.  You don't need the details!

Saturday December 20th I got my 5 miles done early so I could concentrate on finishing the newly remodeled bathroom at Kevin's house.  Pictures to come soon.

Sunday the Bean was with her father so I ran with Kevin.  He is a MUCH faster runner than I.  We split the difference and my pace was sub 9.  It was a good run.....I felt great!!

 

I skipped running Monday.  I had my daughter and it was 35 degrees out and raining. YUCK  But Tuesday morning I ran my 3 for Monday, my 2 for Tuesday and my one for Christmas eve.  Yeah....there is no point in running only 1 mile. 

So I did it.  I finished the challenge.  It was really hard at times but mostly it was a fun and positive experience.  So glad I had a chance to do it.  Life is good.

Friday night

Yup....they both are really sleeping.

We were watching TV and I look over and they are both sound asleep on the couch at 7:30 pm. 

My life isn't really exciting but my heart is overjoyed that these two love each other so much.

Kevin really is THE most cuddly guy in the world.

WOW - Exaclty what I needed to hear!!!

Did anyone check out Chump Lady today?

Today's post was the shot in the arm I really needed.  I have too much life to live and too much love to give to ever let JDK drag me down to the pits of .....well the pits.   You know what I mean.

I am an ass for all the hours and heartache I wasted on this man.  He is not worth it!!  I am TOO GOOD FOR HIM! He is a DISORDERED and SELFISH P.O.S.

My new mantra is going to be "Don't let him steal another moment of my life!"

I am still coming out of the fog that this long term destructive relationship had me living in.  I am just started to put my life together and really feel like the real me again.

I felt I needed to update my blog to reflect where I am at in life now.  The old colors and pictures are in the past, this is a new chapter.  I am ready to bloom and keep becoming a better version of the me I once was before life shit on me.  I am finding myself under the layers and layers of bullshit that I accumulated in the past 15 years.  The old me is in there; it just needs to wake up and want to get out!

I used to be a strong and vibrant women with a lot of confidence.  Rocco knocked me down so far and then the tragedy with Friss just crushed my soul.  It has been a long LONG time coming but I think I am finally getting back to the surface where I can really live and not just exist. 

Kevin's support has been key.  Sometimes you just need some loving support to find yourself. 

Last week I went to see George and it was nice.  One thing I have learned from him is that I need....no I crave affirmation.  When he says to me "I don't care if it is right or wrong, if you feel it, it is real to you and it is valid."  And he means it and it brings me to tears!!  Just being heard and accepted.....so simple, yet so important.

To him, all my feeling are real and of value.  I am not crazy or stupid or mentally effed up.  I am not just a burden to be put up with or a tool to be used.  I am a real person who has value just because I exist!  I am a real person with real struggles who needs to be heard and accepted.  It is really that simple!

There are people in the world that will love you and "get" you even when you are just being yourself; the good self, the bad self and the ugly self.  It is OK to be yourself and expect others to love you just the way you are.  YOU DON"T NEED TO BE PERFECT TO BE LOVED!!

I say these things because I need to hear them, believe them, live them. 

I think all this running is the best thing I could have done for myself this Christmas.  Somehow the physical punishment that you push through clears your brain and makes you so much better.  I hate running (I am a cyclist), but the physical and mental stress of this challenge has been very good for me.

I am a winner cause I keep on going no matter how much it hurts!

12 Days of Christmas - The Runners Version

My local runners, well actually one of them in particular, Shawn (ultra runner, cancer fighter and all around amazing person I feel lucky to know), have headed up a running challenge for the last 4 years.  It goes like this...........12 days before Christmas you run 12 miles.  Then the next day you run 11 and the next day you do 10 and so on until Christmas eve you run one blessed mile and the mission is accomplished.  That's a total of 78 miles over 12 days!!

In years past I never even toyed with the idea of doing this challenge.  I had a full time job and a small child and it was just not something I had time to accomplish.

Then, this year I find myself almost unemployed, so I think......... "WOW, I might actually have the time to do this!?!"

So I signed up and last Saturday I ran an easy 12.  I ran 8 of it with Stina to keep me company and then finished up on my own.

Sunday was a lonely 11 all by myself.  But, much to my surprise I didn't feel bad at all.  I got out early and watched the sun rise and Kevin watched my Bean for me.  It was unseasonably warm so I got to run in shorts BUT unfortunately I grabbed a short sleeved top that I never run in which ultimately resulted in some really severe armpit chafing.  Other than that it was a great run.

 

 

Monday morning I worked at the nursery and it was raining and cool.  Also, the construction guys started the renovations at Kevin's house that he chose to make so he could sell the house faster.  It was a busy day and I didn't hit the trail until 2 in the afternoon.  I chose a trail I don't usually run because I thought the diversion would be good for me.  But I found out that the trail was in poor condition and it was very hard on my feet.  The first few miles I struggled but by the last 2 miles I knew I was going to make it and I was feeling really pumped up.  It was a hard run but I pushed through and got my 10 miles done.  I was over joyed.

Tuesday I joined my normal running group and globbed on to Bob for company.  I was certain that social distraction was the only way I would survive.  Low and behold, I did the run and actually went sub 10 with my pace.  There were hills and traffic and everything.  I was quit pleased with these results!

Today I eeked out my 8 miles all by myself.  By now my legs are toast and it's just a mental game.  I play the game to win.  I finish with my last mile my fastest.  As I climb back into the car the sun disappears and the clouds roll in.  Snow is on it's way.  I can't believe my time is the fastest yet!!

Struggling

these run a few hundred a set

Last week was a total disaster.

First, on Monday, my boss told me I could not be on the company health insurance. This was a blow. It set the tone for the week. When he told me this I felt demoted....demolished...I felt like they didn't want me anymore. Intellectually, I knew I was overreacting..........BUT emotionally I was still devastated.

In my panic I sent my resume out to a Staff Accountant advertisement. (more on that later)

The rest of the week proved no better as my ex-husband, JDK, did a number of things to upset me and Monster also was rather mean to me.

The culmination of the week happened over the weekend. On Saturday night I skipped my company Christmas party because I found out the JDK bought his gf some very expensive car mats for Christmas and was crushed. Just last week she purchased a new car because her old POS finally died.

Why do I care? Yes I know I shouldn't!! BUT all I could think of was how he would always give me shitty and selfish gifts. Like the time he purchased a fancy kitchen knife he wanted and told me it was for me. And there was the calendar with pictures of naked girls rock climbing.....yeah, I wouldn't even except that gift so it got cancelled.  Why the hell is he so nice to her but he couldn't be that way to me?

I sent him a string of text messages telling him how hurt I was that he was so selfish with me yet it is so easy to be kind to this women who is not his wife or the mother of his child. Anyhow he was, of course, mad that I was bitching and finally ended up telling me we really needed to go NC (no contact).

This also sets me off since shutting me out is a trigger. I told him I though it was a better idea to actually sit down and discuss all the fucked up dynamics that were going on and hopefully resolve issues and calm ourselves. He had been all pissy with me for weeks after he found out Kevin and I were house shopping together.  I just wanted to come together and figure out how to become mutually satisfied rather than just pissed off and depressed.

He hated my idea since he loves to run and hind when ever life is not fun for him. I then drove to his house and forced him to talk to me!!

You know what happened?????

We talked for about an hour. There was no big fight although there were emotions running high. I cried a lot and he shed a few tears (still not sure if he fakes these things or not). In the end I think we BOTH felt better!!!
SO HA!...communication worked.
GO ME!!!

I actually left his house feeling better.  Like we might be able to actually not spend the rest of our days battling each other.  I slept better too!

_____________

All weekend long I had been reading articles about Narcissist. I still think JDK has an awful lot of these characteristics. He may not be a full blown NPD, but he sure seems to have some sort of issues with being a "real" person. I watch him struggle to really understand how other people feel. I know he thinks of himself 99% of the time and really has difficulties taking others into account. He is a VERY self serving person who has told me before that other people are just a way to get his own needs met. I don't think he really loves others, I think he figures out if he NEEDS them and then he does what it takes to keep them around if he does.  Relationships are merely a way to get his personal needs met, nothing more or nothing less.

I think this article about narcissist explains him well.  >>CLICK HERE 

However, when considering the normal definition of a narcissist, JDK does not seem to have a grand perception of himself.  He likes to be out of the spot light and just do his own thing.  I don't think he has any need for others to worship him as many define a true narcissist.

Anyhow....I wonder if he is a narcissist by nature (born that way) who tries to compensate by TRYING  to be a good person.   I think he really wants to be a good person.  I don't think he ever wanted to hurt me like he did yet it was too much of a stretch for him to really understand how he did hurt me or the proper way to communicate with me.   I think he means well, but it is very hard to be a good giving person when you are naturally so self centered that the rest of the world seems like a foreign object.

He wants to get a long with everyone and be in an easy happy world where he gets his needs met with as little strife as possible, yet he can't fully grasp how the give and take of a healthy relationship works.  He really struggles with a deeper connection.  He is great at being nice to a stranger since that is a superficial thing he can learn and practice and execute.  BUT a real relationship and an authentic connection allude him so much so I don't think he really understands what it is.

_________________

I had a phone interview for a full time accounting job that would be perfect for me.  It is a good company that is growing.  It offers good benefits, etc.  They wanted me to come in for an in person interview and I decided to withdraw from the running.  I gave them a lame excuse that my elderly mother needed me so I probably shouldn't sign up for a full time job.  In reality, I just don't want to work full time right now (as you know) since I don't HAVE to.

I have been crazy busy even though I am barely working.

Yesterday I made up with Monster and took him to the gym since his car is broke down.  I have been working on Christmas stuff, getting insurance from the government (I think it will be free to me!) and still working on fixing up Kevin's house to sell, etc. etc. 

This week I worked about 3 hours on Monday and Tuesday and I am still just rushing about trying to get it all done.  I don't know how I did it working full time before!

At the end of the day I have a kind, loving and wonderful man to curl up with and I am eternally grateful that he is in my life.

Tomorrow I plan to go see George and see if he can help me with my jealousy of the ex-husbands new girlfriend.  I need to figure out how to let that shit go cause is it just hurting me and I know it.




 

Don't Get Comfortable...Things WILL SUCK

Yesterday I spent way too much time just laying around the house with Beanie. We played games on the tablet, read books and watched TV. I was bored but the weather had gone cold and windy so there wasn’t much to do, besides I was just a bit down so wallowing on the couch seemed appropriate.

Last night Kevin came over and hung out for a bit. He seemed distant and tired. I brushed it off. I admit at times I miss how we used to connect and feel so close. The new is wearing off and we are now in the “normal” phase of our relationship where day-to-day is just that; day-to-day. I am not alarmed, the intensity of a new love always wears off with time. We are past infatuation and on to a more stable love. I think we are both happy and satisfied. You know what I mean.

This morning I woke up early and laid in bed thinking. I found a new level of anger for the XH#2, JDK. I was thinking about how he started dating me (back in 2006) while he was already dating Rachel, the married gal from out of town. I didn’t know about her when it all started or I would not have gotten involved and by the time I did know there was a lot more involved….like a baby. Man what a dick he was even from day one!!! Looking back, I wish I would have just dumped his ass the minute I knew she was involved. I should have thought “I am too good for this lying POS” and walked away.

Did you ever notice how you can be mad at yourself for not having a higher opinion of yourself? Which then makes you even madder at yourself and lowers your opinion of yourself. Viscous circle….Ugh.

In the wee hours of the morning I also thought about the $250 he recently stole from me and all the household goods I left behind. He really cashed in when he met me. I not only let a liar and a cheat use me for years, I let him take a lot of my money.

Friday morning I called to check on the Bean. He ignored me. Then later after I had the kid back I was attempting to be friendly and texted him. I got nothing. Why do I try to be nice??? I am an idiot. I need harness the JDK hate and hold it tight and quit letting him take advantage of my good nature. I always feel that I try to be nice and get along and he tries to suck everything out of everyone and everything for himself if he can. He is a parasite on the face of humanity.

This morning I got a message from my real estate agent. She’s frustrated and thinks we need to relax our wish list on our house hunt…feels “something needs to give”. I admit that we have specific goals that are not EASY to find but WTF, we are spending over $200,000 and we will keep looking until we find the right house. I am so frustrated with the whole house search right now. Julia is my friend but lately I feel that we are at odds and that just sucks.

I got to work this morning and my boss, Jacob seemed “off” again. I sensed this last week and worried I was just being paranoid. Again this morning he seemed distant when I got there and not his usual friendly self. I just dove into my work, and tried to ignore the 6th sense that was screaming “something is not right”. Have I mentioned that I think he is having an affair with one of the employees? I wondered if that was just putting off a weird vibe because I am the only other person around there lately. Then, his wife (co-owner) showed up and was really not supposed to. Then I found out what was up. Seems they are not going to offer me insurance after all. I understand they can’t afford it but it was still a bit of a slap in the face. OK, I was crushed. In some sort of way I felt I was fired. Because his logic for not letting me get insurance was that he can’t offer me enough hours to let me apply. In other words, next year I won’t really be that needed so I can’t have insurance.

Small business owners always seem to think that accountants are just a money drain and not a money maker. Yet, there is no one around there that has any skills to help him run his business smarter or better. I could do that. I guess I don’t know how to SELL myself enough. So frustrated.

On the way home I purchased a bottle of wine, a loaf of artisan bread, some olives and cheese. I sat here and ate them as I typed this up.

My overall thought about this all is:
Whenever life feels good it is a sure sign that shit will hit the fan soon because in some way I have pissed off the universe and don’t deserve to have things go my way, NO, it is always two steps forward and one step back. (if I am even lucky enough to get a forward step)

On the bright side, and this is huge, the only reason I am not totally crying in a dark hole right now is Kevin has been super sweet and kind and (of course) offered to marry me tomorrow so I will have insurance.

Yeah, as of today I am uninsured. Would have been nice to have a bit more of a heads up than to find out December 1.

FML

Holiday Weekend

The night before Thanksgiving I was surfing the net and found a house for sale that looked VERY promising; 3 car garage, newer construction, great price, a little bit south of our original search area but still close enough to make it work should the house be just what we want, which it appeared to be. I texted my real estate agent but she didn’t respond right away. I knew she had family in from out of town so I was not concerned.

Turkey day was nice. Kevin and I spent the day with his family while my youngest daughter went with her daddy to see his parents. I am always disappointed that I don’t see more of my older kids but they are very hard to get a hold of and never really seem to want to hang out with boring old mom. I try not to let it bother me but lately it is nagging on me more. We did text each other on Thanksgiving. They did stuff with their Dad and his family.

Friday morning I went to visit Friss and we had a fantastic visit. I am so proud that he has grown into such an insightful and giving person.  For years I thought his life was over.  I was wrong.

Then on the long drive home I called my mom and had an unusually satisfying conversation with her the whole drive.  Midafternoon when I arrived back at Kevin’s house I was tickled pink to find he had 99% of the new quarter round installed in the living room and hall. 

Late Friday I still had not heard from Julia (my agent) so I texted her about the house and she said she would set it up for Sunday at 10 am.

Friday night Kevin and I cuddled in bed and watched a few hours of HGTV. Have I ever told you that I have a small addiction to house remodeling shows? I used to watch This Old House on PBS before it was cool! As I sat there in bed yapping about anything and everything I wanted to, because you know, Kevin doesn’t seem to mind if I just say whatever I feel like, I was thinking how good life feels.

This morning Stina and I ran about 10 miles and I routed us by the potential new house for sale so we could peak in the window since it is vacant. It looked good and I was even more excited about going to actually see the inside.  Maybe we finally found The One!

Today at noon JDK texted me demanding that it was time to give me the girl.  She was due back at 6pm not noon.  I had hoped to maybe get in a bike ride or a motorcycle ride since the temps were in the 60s but I lumped it and picked her up early so he could (I assume) get a bike ride in. I missed her so I was glad to see her but a bit bummed that I was now stuck at home.  It always feels like he has so much more freedom than I do and at times it really bother me especially since the whole time we were married I did all the heavy lifting in the child care department.

This afternoon Julia texted me that the house went under contract yesterday. This was a blow. I have really struggled to keep this news from ruining my day.

Swim Lessons

Every Tuesday at 5 pm I take my daughter to swim lessons.  I think it is important for her to learn to feel competent in the water so she won't fear it.

Last night Kevin got off work on time for the first time in months and you know what he did?  He rushed over to the pool so he could watch Beanie swim.  He really is an involved "step-father".

Beanie's teacher this week was a guy who she describes as "firm".  I thought he was great with the kids.  He is not mean but he is bossy like a teacher should be; watching them closely and correcting them quickly.  Putting them thru twice as many drills as some of the other instructors.   Beanie is really getting good.  This teacher even makes them practice bi-lateral breathing.  I really like the firm teacher.

You know who NEVER comes to her swim lessons?  Her dad.  :(

You know who pays for her swim lessons?  Me

Now that I am making WAYYYY less money I am more resentful about the fact that JDK is so selfish with his money.   Last summer he swiped a pool raft out of my garage when he stopped by to get the kids swim suit.  He didn't ask to borrow it I just found it missing and the kid told me he took it.  He just kept it.  The other day he tried to keep a throw blanket my daughter drug to his house.  He expects me to buy ALL her clothes and pay for all her entertainment and swim classes.  The divorce says we are to split these costs but I just don't have the energy to nag him for money.  I have been keeping track of what I spend on her though.

I need to call my attorney and ask her about modifying the divorce so we get some child support.  I know that will be fun.

Last Night

After I typed up that sloppy blog post last night I headed over to Kevin's house.  On the way over I was thinking that I am just being codependent because I am letting all these other peoples problems (not really my problems) feel like pressure on me to solve them.

I really don't think I would have gone over to his house if he had not insisted and I knew he would come to check on me if I didn't.

When I got there I sat down and we talked.  I didn't dump out everything in my head at first.  I worried he would be disgusted with me if I just start spouting my truth all over the place.

Historically many people in my life have no sympathy for me when I start to really open up.  They don't understand what happens when you are triggered and the world gets small and your head is not right.  It seems I get told I am being ridiculous or I should somehow be above getting depressed (my parents) or drug down by other people in my life.  And there has been more than one person tell me that I am too negative.  That one really sucks.  I really don't think I am a negative person.

Anyway, I fully expected Kevin to at least give me crap for still letting JDK push my buttons.  To my relief, he was patient, loving and helpful.   To be honest he is always very kind and accepting.  I guess I have a hard time getting used to it though.  (There has only been a couple of times he wasn't and you know all about them since I blogged them.)  Day in and day out he is a very easy person to get a long with and he seems to always see me in a good light.  He has a high opinion of me which is so very lovely after 8 years of being "tolerated" by JDK.

We did text XH#1 back.  It was good that I waited until i was feeling less emotional.  I simply asked him what he needed me to do.  He replied that he just wanted to understand how much debt there is and how much he would be responsible for.  I had already told him that I would have time to work up a summary AFTER thanksgiving.  I reminded him that I hadn't yet figured all that out but I would have it in the next few weeks.  He said thanks and was then satisfied.

Kevin doesn't think I am crazy or ridiculous he just thinks I try to do too much for too many people.  He is so darn good for me.  In no time I was feeling better and when we went to bed I felt so safe and loved and happy that all the "problems" seemed manageable.  

I thought to myself about XH#2 "this is why we are divorced.......we don't communicate well at all".  And that thought gives me comfort.  I believe I had my hopes up that now we are divorced he would be more open and honest with me because he wasn't feeling trapped by me.  Then again when he is nice I wonder if I should have given our marriage another chance.  Days like yesterday reaffirm that we should be divorced.  Anyway, the thing I need to keep in mind is that XH#2 is who he is and will continue to be who he is and I need just expect that.  I could have totally avoided yesterdays deal if I had just kept the kid and not expected him to take his shift. 

I spoke to Friss about the whole thing and he thought that maybe I should be more open and honest with XH#2.  For example when he is saying "yes" with a tone that reads "no" I should just ask him "I hear you saying yes but I get the feeling you aren't really up for it?" or something like that.  He thinks I am still stuffing down my feelings in order to keep peace and that is the real issue with XH#2.  That I should just tell him how I feel or what I think.  IDK....it's something to think about.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I read an article the other day that I keep thinking about.  It was about happy marriages and the two most important things researcher find when studying them.  First is that you focus on the good not the bad.  All of us have good qualities and bad qualities and the key is to focus on the things you love about your partner and not get caught up being irritated by the bad things.  Don't get hung up on the spit in the sink instead focus on the fact that he always puts the seat down which makes you very happy.

The second item is a little harder to explain but this is my recollection of how it works.  Happy couples turn to each other.  They pay attention when one needs the other.  If I call Kevin and say I got an upsetting text message, he will ask all about it and really listen.  He doesn't respond by changing the focus off of my comment and onto what he wants.  Even in small ways this is huge.  Just looking up at the cute puppy on TV when asked to makes you feel your partner values you and what you think or do; that they want to be a part of your life.

I am happy to report that Kevin does both of these things so well.  I sometimes struggle with them because I have ADD and my brain goes too fast.  But more and more I keep these things in mind and make sure that I am doing them because I love him and I want us both to live happily ever after.

 

Totally Trggered

Typing this out on the fly so my editing etc. will no doubt suck.  Plus I am not sure what I will accomplish other than to sound like a nut job.

This week my daughter doesn't have school.  Since I am now working part time and have the luxury of making my own hours I told JDK (x#2) that I would keep Beanie Monday thru Wednesday since he probably has to work.  (I don't know if he really has to work since he is such a lying fucktard.)

I did this with the hopes of making everyone happy and enjoying a stress free week of the kid being off school and me reaping the benefits of making less money than I need to live off of so I can be a better parent and not be so rushed and spread too thin.

This morning was great.  We took our time and basically wandered by the barn (office at the nursery) when we got around to it...about 10 am.    We only stayed a few hours and my daughter was super good playing with her IPad the whole time.

When I left I call JDK to make arrangements to pass the girl off since Monday nights he keeps her.  He didn't answer.  He later phoned me and acted like I had changed things up on him and he was under the impression I had planned on keeping her Monday thru Wednesday nights and all.  (BTW he has not seen her since Saturday morning and evidently was happy to not see her again until Wednesday afternoon - asshole.)

I told him that it didn't really matter to me...... that it was up to him.  He said he missed her and would be happy to get her yet he "sounded" put out.  I got off the phone and thought to myself "why aggravate myself?" and texted him back and told him I would be happy to keep her and it would be so much easier than him picking her up on the way home only to have to drop her off again in the morning.   Via text he insisted he missed her and was happy to get her.   We left it at that.  I assumed he was coming.

Well we waited and waited and he didn't show up and then we called.  He was at home.  He didn't think I wanted him to get her.  The kid was waiting and begged him to come.  He said he would be right over.  We waited some more and he finally showed up and took her away and gave me the fuck you vibe the whole time.

I just felt walked all over.  The same old shit where he "acts" all agreeable yet somehow manages to torture me mentally.  With a smile on his face and comments like "I want us all to be happy and get along" yet somehow it feels like he is just fucking with me.  He doesn't want me to be happy he wants me to leave him alone so he will be happy.

After they left I just sat and cried and then my text message lit up and it was (of all people) X#1...........Ramone and Monster's dad.  He got more bills from student loans on the boy and is freaking out.  He wants me to solve his problems.  He wants me to be the adult so he doesn't have to.  He fucking infuriates me still to this day.

On top of that, Ramone has no phone and has not had one for a month.  Last night she posted on Facebook how hard life is and how she is happy to be out of touch by not having a phone.  I am realy worried about her but not sure what to do.  She is 19 and I think this is all about her *boyfriend* who is a total loser and a jerk. 

Meanwhile Monster's car is dead and he is walking to work.  I can't afford to buy him a car and I feel bad that he has no transportation.  He's a good kid but I can't keep taking care of everyone all the time.

Oh.......and Friss, well he is awesome but he really wants one of us to come visit him.  I want to go....I want to be there for him.  Maybe Friday....I don't think anything is gong on Friday.

At work today I paid the state sales tax late.  It costs our company over $200 in late fees.  I was only 4 days late.  It was due on the 20th but I thought I had until month end.  I feel just sick about it.  We can't afford to piss away $200!

Kevin is awesome and I am heading to his house next.  He knows I am all messed up and wants me to come and talk.  I know I will feel better after I do but part of me feels too "messed up" to even go over there.  I want to hide and feel dysfunctional where no one can see me.

JDK (x#2) told me recently he is admittedly angry and depressed that Kevin and I are planning to move in together at the end of March when my lease is up.  I didn't discuss it with him, I just got a text from him.  I am sure he is just jealous that his daughter loves a man besides himself.  After all, all the love and attention should be directed at him.......right?

I wish he didn't press my buttons so much.  I still feel really fucking angry that he is acting like a victim.   He started all this shit by not wanting to be my husband even though he willingly married me.  He is the one that had to play the "you're are not the boss of me" game for our whole relationship.  I know one day he won't have the power to dissolve me like this but at this point he still does.  In fact that is probably part of why I am upset.  I really don't want him to have any power over my feelings yet he still does.  I know he is just a POS that I shouldn't have any feeling about or for.

At the end of the day I just want to feel good about the people in my life and my relationships with those around me.   It's not a lot to ask.......is it?

But right now I just want to run the fuck away from everyone!!!!!

My Hero (again)

It was Saturday morning and I had already done my long run with Stina. Kevin and I started to pull up the old carpet that was in pretty good shape since no one really used that front bedroom for anything other than a dumping / storage area. The carpet wasn’t easy to get up because it was under the closet doors but after some moaning and struggles we got it done. I also removed everything from the wall including the old mauve (YUCK) window valances that had been on there since he purchased the house in 1995.

Once the carpet was up the beautiful wood floor could be seen. I don’t think they are as shiny as the rest of the upstairs but hopefully no one will ever notice that but me. The quarter round trim boards had been moved up to accommodate the carpet and now would need to be removed and put back down. Kevin was worried that they would break and not survive the relocation. He pulled up the tack strips while I yanked out the BIG staples that are used to secure a carpet pad. Sadly, they all leave holes in the floor. Why did people do this to such a beautiful wood floor?

At one point I felt he was frustrated about how much work this was and really wishing we had NOT pulled up this fairly new looking carpet. I worried he was mad at me and would somehow lash out at me or express displeasure with me for talking him into this project; for making him work so hard. I tend to expect that people will be unhappy with me and punish me.  I have issues. 

We are trying to sell his house and I have been brainstorming ways to make it look as good as possible so we get a good price and the house sells quickly. I am sure that the hard wood floors will be a selling point so why not get that one last bit of carpet off them? I just didn’t really think through all the possible issues like the finish being different or the trim being raised up. I started to regret that I had pushed for this project.

But you know what happened? He finessed that trim off in one piece and put it back on so you couldn’t even tell there had once been carpet. One little chip did fall off but he got some wood stain and fixed it so you could not even see it. He never got mad at me, complained or acted like a jerk.
WE just worked our butts off and completed the project together. Both of us doing as much work as we could. No one taking advantage of the other person’s generous nature.  It was fun....and satisfying.

Sunday I went and purchased some paint and we both agree that he would roll and I would do the edging. It only took a bit over an hour to paint the small room. Wow it looked nice. Next, we moved the big dresser and chest out of his bedroom and into the front bedroom. He polished the furniture as I hauled the drawers over and before long we were done. We make a damn good team, we do.

Last, but not least we went and purchased a small area rug to finish off the room. It looks great and his bedroom is the next room to get fresh paint. We are leaving his bed in there under the ceiling fan. The room looks so much bigger without all that furniture crammed in there.

I’m telling you………….this guy is THE ONE!!

The Fog is Gone

Well I am not really sure why, but from Monday until Thursday morning I was in a negative funk.  But, it was gone by the time I left for work Thursday.

After my Thursday 5:30 am run I came home (to Kevin's...I live in two houses) and he had cut his hair and done the dishes and we took a shower together and everything was back to it's normal greatness.  I really don't know why I was so grumpy....maybe hormones?  Maybe the time change? Maybe he was just being negative and I was feeding off it?  IDK  Glad it is over and I am feeling positive again.

I have been a good mood ever since.  Tired of the back and forth between two homes but that will end one way or another at the end of March.

Working at the nursery is going GREAT and I love it.  I like being part time.  I love my boss he is a good guy.  I can leave early if I have stuff to do and no one cares.  I can work all day if I am in the right mood and that is good too.  I finally have the books for both the mowing company and the nursery all caught up and the intercompany accounts balance.  Once I clean up the inventory balance and the old AR stuff I will have it all 99% perfect.  It feels good to be on top of things.

I plan to join the gym again this winter and finally get back in shape.  My boss has a credit with the gym and said he would pay 1/2 my membership.  Yippee.  I really want to be feeling strong and healthy for my next birthday when I will be turning 50!!  How the hell did I ever get this old??

Tonight, I plan to take Kevin to a party my multisport club is throwing.  It is an outside bonfire thing.  It will be the first time I actually take him around my old *athlete* friends.  I hope it goes OK.  I think most of my friends, even the more casual ones, never cared for my XHusband so I don't think they will be weirded out by the new boyfriend finally being "displayed".  

Oh and I signed up for a May 1/2 marathon and plan to do one in March too.  I need that in front of me to get me out in the cold to train this winter.

Did I tell you Stina is pregnant again!?!?!  She is due in May.  Right now we are running together and enjoying our talks but as soon as it gets snowy or icy I will be on my own again.  Actually Kevin will probably run with me.  Then again he hates the cold (wimp) but I will nag him to get out there.

I think we are going to set the trainers up in his basement too.  Man I miss riding my bike.  I love to cycle!!

Currently

So....we had to pass on the amazing dream house with the glass walls and fully wooded lot.  The garage issue was too much.  A contractor told us it would be a stretch to add a garage and it would be pricy.   The house sold (as soon as we passed) for $275 which is more than we want to spend, even with a garage and it had none.

Kevin is still all out of whack with his job.  He has been going it at 7 am and working until 7 pm.  It is not good.  I get that it is hard and stressful but I feel he is being a bit of a baby about it all.  I am struggling to be supportive.  I have suffered thru MUCH worse in my life.  There were some years where I worked 60-80 hours a week with no end in sight at a job that was thankless and not going to change.  His problem is temporary and by mid December he should be back to 8 hour days. I am really sick and tired of him going on and on about how he can't wait to quit.  I hope he can find a new job that makes him happy.  I want him to be happy.  Secretly....his constant bitching about how he doesn't want to work is unattractive and makes me feel "unsafe".  Lazy men and I are not compatible.

Last night the Bean woke me around 4 am and then I couldn't get back to sleep.  I absolutely love to fill my 3 am slot with thoughts about how I hate my life....I mean I hate it, but it happens all the damn time.  SO this morning it was 4 am (daylight savings time has me all jacked up) and I thought about how I worry that Kevin is going to leach off me. No, he has really never tried to....I am just paranoid from years of being used by others.  I think it is MY issue not his.  

Then I think about how my (x)husband now drives an hour each way to spend time with his girlfriend because he can't stand to be home along.  When he told me over and over again (when we were married) how he "should have been a bachelor farmer because he is an introvert and loves to be alone".  This was how he excused himself from spending time with me when I was right there in the same house with him!!!!  This fucker always told me that he hated to socialize therefore he had no energy for me or my friends.  He could barely stand to talk to me but now he drives all the way to [other town] for the new girlfriend because he hates to be home alone!  AND as far as I know they have seen at least 4 out of town concerts in the past few months and done a zillion other things "socially" since they started dating.   All things he would NEVER do with me.   AND he claims she is no big deal, that he would do it all with me if I came home.  That he is lost without me and so sad and sick about it all.  So you can't say it is because he is just more into her.  In the long run I feel he is trying his damndest to impress her and I don't think he can keep up the act much longer.  (why the fuck don't people just be themselves!!!!!!)  YES I am bitter.

Work is good.  I love the nursery and all the misfits that work there.  Jacob (my boss) gave me insurance so I am thankful that somehow that all worked out.  Sometimes shit does just works itself out.  That is how you know your are on the right path!

Did I tell you (x)husband stole $250 from me when we did the final deal on the house?  I am such an ass for letting him do that.  (I'll spare you the details) I can not even begin to count all the money he has "stolen" from me in the past 8 years.  Ass wipe. 

Just so down on myself for being his doormat for so long. 

My mother has not met Kevin yet.  She has not bothered to visit me or hardly talk to me since I left my husband.  She is too caught up in her own life.  I am glad she is happy but at the same time I feel I have NO family at all which sucks.  I wanted to introduce her to Kevin so he would have met at least one of my parents.  I was thinking to ask her when in November we could come visit her and then it hit me that she doesn't really care, so why should I?  Honestly she is 83 and won't be around much longer.  It means nothing to her so why should I go out of my way.  See....this is what my family has taught me.

Oh and I want to get back in the gym....I know it would be good for me both physically and mentally.  The only real gym in town wants $599 for an annual membership.  Given our local economy this is INSANELY expensive.  Flat out pisses me off.  Yes I will pay and I will go but really, if I thought I could bank roll it, I would start another gym to compete.  They just rake in the $$ cause there really is NO other option.

My latest thought is that I have some $$ in the bank so I can afford to work at the nursery for a few years.  I like the stress free environment and I may just do it and run down my savings account.  I don't know if I really want to buy a house right now.  Maybe I will just focus on enjoying my time and my daughter.  The rest of it all can just wait.  It seems like no matter who I let into my life I always feel that I get the short end of the deal.  I might just be better off on my own.  Lately I am just sick of all my *relationships*.

Monday Morning Grouch

I don't have a lot of time to write which may be a good thing since I am feeling grumpy and just want to bitch. Not sure why exactly.

I had a good weekend. In fact Saturday was a fantastic day. Saturday morning I did my long run with Stina and as usual, we enjoyed chatting the whole 10 miles. Then, Kevin was a bit grumpy but we went out for breakfast and he seemed to perk up after that. Next we went and looked at a house for sale. We have been shopping for homes for a few months now and it is a depressing project. Even thought the house was not "the one" it was a house that would work and it was in our price range which gives me some hope.  We started out in quest of a 3 car garage but are now focusing on houses with a basement that has a "John Deere" door or access for the tractor and the motorcycle.  I am sure the right one will come along soon.  We also went downtown to two jewelers where we looked at engagement rings. I picked out 3 I loved so now it is up to him to choose one and move forward. I am secretly hoping that I get a ring for Christmas. Saturday evening after Beanie got home we watched the movie "Blended" and we all three really enjoyed it. Good family film / romantic comedy.

Day light savings time, of course, has my kid all messed up. Last night she fell asleep early and then this morning *SUPRISE* she was wide awake at 5 am. I got her to go back to bed for a half hour but then she was back up and demanding service/attention. I just gave in and got up. By 6:15 she was ready for school. I drop her off around 8. She is now watching Curious George on PBS. I do love Curious George!

Then I went to put together my lunch to take to work which includes a bottle of water and once again got irritated about my water bottle situation. Let me tell you the story. See a few years back I purchased a CamelBak water bottle (see above) and really liked it so I purchased another one. Husband already had a small collection of Nalgene bottles but they were too wide to fit in my back pack or car door so I liked my new bottles better. Husband gave me a lot of crap for buying more bottles when we already had a dozen Nalgene bottles already. I explained I liked my new ones better but he was still a jerk about it and treated me like I was being stupid. THEN....he totally started to use my bottles all the freakin' time!!!  When I needed one they were dirty or gone cause he was using them. This pretty well chapped my ass but I had no control over it. I wasn't going to lock them up or hide them from him. SO, I purchased a few more bottles so I could use them too. Then one day I found them on sale so I got a few more. Eventually I think the old Nalgene bottles were lost or pitched. When I went to move out of the house last spring I took about half of the CamelBak bottles. I didn't really need all 8 of them. I knew he used them, I knew my new kitchen was small so I just left them for him to have. Then this morning I wanted another one. Alli has tea in two of mine, one is in the wash and one has OJ in it. So I don't have a clean one for my water. I kind of want a few more. I use them ALL THE TIME. New ones run around $15 bucks though and the mear thought of buying MORE just shot up my blood pressure. I should have just taken all 8 of them with me since I purchased them and they are not cheap. That man got so much money from me over the years (one way or another) it just makes me so angry.

Then, Kevin calls me and I ask him if I can start going to the gym in the morning on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He says sure. I explain he will have to manage the kid for me. ( I want to do a 5:30 am class.)   He then gets quiet and switches the subject. Fine, it's not his job to watch the kid. I will come up with another plan. The class is at noon too....I will try and do it for a lunch break maybe.

Next Kevin is telling me how he wants to take a week off work and do NOTHING!! Just sleep and lay around. This totally freaks me out. I am very irritated that he even thinks such things. I know it sounds like I am over reacting but let me explain.  You see, this is a bit of a trigger for me.  Most of my adult life lazy people have globbed onto me in the hopes I will make their lives easier by pulling more than my share of the weight.  However, the logical thinking side of me gets that he has been working a ton of hours and he is tired and needs a break. But what happens in my mind is something like this:

"You are so lazy that you actually want to do nothing for a WHOLE WEEK (I could handle a day)? There are a million things that need to be done and you would choose to just RELAX? Are you just a lazy person that I will have to end up taking care of like Ramone and Monsters Dad? It does take him longer than I think it should to do just about anything. Laundry lasts for days. He mows the yard all afternoon. Maybe he and I really aren't compatible. I WILL NOT LIVE WITH A LAZY PERSON EVER AGAIN. He keeps talking about not wanting to work. Maybe he wants me to financially support him just like all the others have. This is not good."

Then I realize that I am really blowing it out of proportion. He has been working his ass off pulling 12-13 hour days for weeks. He is tired and burned out and venting. It is no big deal. I was already grumpy so it just hit me wrong.

I need to get the kid to school now.

Have a good day everyone!!