Happy Birthday To Me

Today was my birthday so I took the day off work. Just because.

I took my time getting Beanie ready for school. Not being in a rush was fabulous.

After I dropped off the girl, I took the dog for a nice run on the trail. Much to my surprise, the dog acted civilized and never jumped on or chased the many people and dogs that were out enjoying the nice weather. We usually run pre-dawn so my wacky mutt is not used to sharing the road.

My coworkers threw me a party even though I was not there. They had chocolate cake and chocolate ice cream without me. It’s OK. I need to step away from the cake.

After a leisurely shower and puttering around the house doing anything I wanted I decided to head out and do a little shopping while I was unencumbered.

I made the mistake of walking into the Dick’s Sporting Goods store just to look around. $40 later I left thinking “only $40….That’s not bad for me!!” But really, I don’t think I can go in that store and come out empty handed. I think I have a problem with Dick’s!

I went to many other stores that will not be named here because I have a husband that likes to gently harass me every time I spend money. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt me.

At five o’clock sharp I picked up my smallest offspring and showed her the new swim suit I found on clearance for only $3. She loved it too.

Back home, the husband arrived early and surprised me with a dinner offering of all my favorites. There was a nice bottle of chilled white wine, my favorite cheese Port Salut, artisan French bread, olive bar and some fancy hard sausage. I ate myself silly. I need to step away from the wine, bread, cheese, olives and meat!

As my preschooler would say……it was a SUPER, SUPER, SUPER, SUPER, SUPER, SUPER good Birthday.

BIGGEST Fight EVER

Last Friday, we had the biggest fight we have ever had!!

I think it had been building up for some time. Like pressure in a pot and then this morning he just did one more thing and I kind of lost it. We talked about it through the day but I guess I was still not satisfied so after work and a few beers, I started in on him again. This time the talk got more like an argument until finally he spouted off some outright lie and I called him out on it. I called him a fucking liar to his face!

Usually I would not do that. Usually I would not want to be mean. Normally, I would decide that talking was a waste of time since he can’t be real and honest and then I would just quit the discussion. In my head I would just say fuck it, it doesn’t matter anyway, and he won’t actually try to listen. He won’t try to change. He will just deflect and justify at all cost.

Which was exactly what he was doing but I was mad and I was fed up and I hung in there. It lasted hours. He left once and came back. (Which actually made me feel better that he was willing to keep duking it out.)

Near the end I shouted at him “things are going to change or we are going to end up divorced!” I have never, ever mentioned divorce before. He looked a bit shocked and then I followed it up with “And since there is no way in hell I am ever getting divorced again then thing MUST change!!”

I think we both suddenly felt that I was right and that it was time….time for some real changes. I think he actually heard me. For once, he was done deflecting and justifying.

I don’t even remember how it all ended but we went to bed and woke up the next day feeling better….seems like things are more peaceful.

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More details than you need: (I wrote this first and kinda hated it)

On Friday morning, August 26th, partly due to PMS, I completely ran out of patience for my husband.

Usually on a Friday morning we sit in bed and drink coffee and hang out a little while the Bean is still asleep. But this morning, he got up early and silently but quickly packed up to go to the gym /work. Suddenly he was leaving at an unusually early hour with no discussion or explanation at all. I stopped him at the door and quizzed him as to what was up and he said casually that he wanted to get in a good workout. Well we both knew that was crap. He has never left that early before and he has had plenty of time at the gym lately (twice a day usually) so how bad could he really need a workout.

In hind sight, I think he was not so much wanting to escape me but escape his own rotten negative mind (his Pain Body as Eckhart Tolle would call it) which has a way of turning him into a total fuckwit.

Also, I have been going out more and trying to cultivate a more social life….cause I actually like having friends, which he is not interested in at all, but at the same time he is jealous that I get “free” time and he is stuck with our daughter more often. (Please note I still watch her way more than 50% of the time.)

No matter what happened, the simple truth is, all he had to do was tell me what was going on instead of acting all odd and evasive. For some reason he feels the need to NOT communicate. If he had gotten up and just said “I feel like getting to the gym early I hope you don’t mind” I would have been totally OK with it.

It is not my goal to control his every move. It is my goal for him to treat me with respect and kindness. AND TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME LIKE I AM HIS WIFE AND LOVER.

During the day we exchanged a few emails and we sort of made nice but once we got home the discussion came up again. And now we both had a few beers in us and one thing led to another until we were having the biggest fight of our marriage to date.

Usually when he starts lying, exaggerating or acting, I just get disgusted that he won’t have a real discussion and give up and shut down. I figure what is the point if he can’t be honest. But this night I was not backing down and when he lied, I called him a liar. And when he acted all broke up, I asked him if he expected an academy award for the performance. It was a long, loud, ugly fight. Finally towards the end, I told him things had to change or I could not live like this. That I don’t want a divorce, but I need to feel respected and he needs to communicate with me. It is the first time either of us had ever brought up divorce and I know that neither of us really wants that.

I honestly don’t remember how it ended….maybe we both just ran out of energy for it. We didn’t go to bed mad.

The Happiest I Ever Remember Being

The ceilings were high and everything was painted a clean and agreeable white. The windows were very tall and narrow, reminiscent of clerestory windows; single hung sash windows crisscross with muntins. The west wall was covered in windows and then some more on the adjacent wall as well. The building was over 100 years old, an old school house that had been converted into apartments. The cost was low and the location good, but it lacked a dishwasher and closet space. Clothes were therefore hung from hooks over the tops of doors; the bedroom door, the closet door, and even the bathroom door.

In the darkness of the night, lights outside cast long shadows across the bedroom. The bed was awkwardly placed under the bank of window so that the small closet door would not be blocked. There was no room for much else in the tiny space.

As we lay awake in bed, all that could be heard was the constant hum of the furnace as it blew warm air out a small dingy vent above the closet. We gazed up at the stars through the big tall windows; the night sky so black, the stars so bright and plentiful. There was total peace and serenity.

We always laid in each other arms, me in front and him behind. He cupped my body with his and I felt completely safe, completely loved. We never had to utter a word…we just melted into one. We would look up at the stars through the old tall windows for the longest time before we drifted off to sleep. Those were magical times.

Monster Starts College

Yesterday was Monster’s first day of classes at college. So I am sure I am supposed to write some touching exposé about how quickly he grew up and how proud I am of him, etc. etc. But you know what……that’s not what I am thinking.

What I am thinking is “I sure hope the kid gets to class. I sure hope the kid gets his books. I sure hope the kid isn’t overwhelmed.”

He’s a good kid and never does anything too terribly wrong. He never does anything hugely successful or brilliant either. Average grades, average attendance, has a part time job at a local restaurant owned by friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled he is not a flunky, druggy or out getting arrested.

Besides, it is just expected that he go to college. It’s not a big deal; it’s just the next step in his education just like high school came after middle school. I view it as a basic requirement in life.

I want him to be successful but I know I have no control over it now and probably had little control over it all along. The boy is who the boy is, and he will find his own path in life regardless of what I want for him.

I hope he finds it in himself to finish his education. I think it is important and he will be glad if he does. I think it will help him to lead a respectable life…but if he doesn’t than that is his choice.

I think if he is pointed in that direction he will get it done.

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It IS hard to believe that this little guy is all grown up and in college now!!

Good News: I filled out all the forms for the available federal grants and loans and we got enough money that I have had to come up with ZERO out of pocket for his first semester. In fact, he got so much in grants and loans that we actually have money left over for books and a laptop.
GO ME!!

Wednesday

Its Wednesday….just another Wednesday like any other Wednesday.

I don’t usually run Wednesday morning. I wish I did. It’s the best way for me to start a day. Clears my head and refreshes my body. I think I would run more if I lived in town where there were plenty of paved roads. Out my door in one direction there is gravel road and in the other direction the paved road only goes one mile and then it hits the 2 lane county highway which is NOT safe to run on in the dark. To make matters worse, the paved road has a short but very steep hill. Blah.

Today I am thinking about love and loss. About how much we want love but then when we have it, that also means there will be pain. Pain of rejection should the one you love not love you back. Pain when u miss the one your love. Sharing the pain when the one you love is hurting or struggling.

When I was about 10, my father abruptly left my mother and our family and at the time I was determined to not let it “mess me up” so I worked hard to NOT feel anything. Ever since then I have been battling my need for love and my distaste for the pain it causes me. Oh how I wish I could just be satisfied in life without LOVE. How I wish I really could NOT feel anything.

This morning, before my daughter awoke my husband, as usual, suddenly took an interested in me. No, that is not an accurate statement; my husband’s penis needed attention. I am so very weary of the never ending need to ejaculate. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would love to make love to my husband…….but that rarely happens. Usually, we take care of his “needs”. Depressing.

At this point I have come to two firm beliefs regarding my marriage. One, my husband loves me as best he can and means well. He is trying. He is doing the best he can. Two, my husband is not truly capable of loving anyone but himself and our daughter (she is part of himself). He can’t really connect or feel intimacy with other people and because of this, he pretty much doesn’t enjoy other people and rarely has any need for them.

Which leaves me one lonely wife.

Q & A

Why did you marry him?

1) We have a child

2) I respect his intelligence. He is smart. I feel I can ask him things that I don’t know and he will know them.

3) He is responsible and a whole list of such criteria that are, for me, requirements for marriage.

4) At my age men are not lining up to marry me…..especially with 4 kids.

5) Mainly my need to be accepted and not rejected.

Why do you stay with him when you are so obviously not happy?

1) Raising a kid alone is NOT something I really want to do.

2) Two incomes are better than one.

3) In so many ways we do get along and work together. Many things are not broken.

4) To divorce again would make me feel like I failed…….like I am a failure. I have a strong need to make this work no matter what.

5) I think too many people rush to “trade up” or they just give up too soon. I don’t believe that is the best strategy.

6) The occasional moment when it ALL works. Gives you some feeling that it could get better not worse if you keep trying.

7) Seems ridiculously selfish to trash the whole family because I have a few needs that are not being met. Not that those needs aren’t important.

8) He really does have his moments where he is a great husband. So I know he can do it. Unfortunately he doesn’t act this way more often than not.

9) For the most part I think he tries to make it work. I think he means well.

What would you change if you could wave your magic wand over your marriage?

1) I wish we communicated better. I wish he talked to me more. I wish he would share with me what goes on in his life. I wish he wanted to hear about my life. I wish he would discuss plans and decisions with me more often. In short, I wish we were friends.

2) I wish his mood was more stable and predictable. He can be very depressive and negative at times. I have had no luck understanding what triggers him. It seems rather random. I really hate coming home and not knowing if he will be pleasant or be giving me the cold shoulder…it’s actually more of a “Fuckoff vibe”.

3) I wish he was more physically affectionate. I like to cuddle, touch, hug and kiss. He only does these things in an effort to get his sexual needs met. He VERY RARELY expresses physical affection for me unless sex is his goal.

4) I wish he was more supportive of me. I wish he was my advocate. He tends to say nothing at all or say things that are critical. He is supportive and understanding of other people most of the time but not so with me.

5) He HATES for me to tell him what to do and is passive aggressive with his reaction to my requests. For example, if he is mad at me he will leave the toilet seat up. Or if I kindly ask him to be sure he gets his cans in the recycle bin, suddenly more cans end up in the trash. There is an air of defiance that he seems to embrace that makes him so oppositional. This is probably an extension of item number 4. I just wish we were on the same team!

To summarize: He doesn’t make me feel loved, or needed or a part of his life. I feel that we are just not intimate as a married couple should be, as I really need it to be. I am starved for intimacy and that connection to another person.

Freedom

This weekend my husband is going out of town for a boat race. He will be staying with his parents so he is taking our daughter along so she can visit them. I am staying here to supervise the teenaged kids while the ex-husband is out of town (and take care of the dog and the chickens).

I used to dread when my husband would leave me at home and go off to do his adventures. I would feel “left behind” and I would worry that he enjoyed getting away from me too much or that he was going to visit his old girlfriend and show off our daughter. I was concerned he was still involved with her in some way.

But this weekend I am super happy that he is leaving and I get the WHOLE weekend to myself. I have a huge list of things I want to do and admittedly, most of them would not get done if he and my four year old were here. Some of them are practical things like reading or painting doll furniture. There are the normal “must do” things like my long run and a bike ride. But other things are selfish things like more time with friends or just savoring my FREEDOM.

A few weeks ago he went to KC with our daughter for the weekend and I stayed here. On Saturday morning I ran a 10k race and then actually hung around after for the awards. If my husband had not been gone, I would have had to head home quickly to watch our daughter so he could go out and do something fun too so it was a nice change to linger and chat for a while.

After the race I went to a friend’s house and drank some beer. Yes it was before noon, but it was hot and I got second place at my race and I was in the mood to cut loose. We then ran errands on his motorcycle and spent the whole day goofing off and visiting friends. I had more fun than I have had in a million years. I just enjoyed my day immensely. I did whatever the hell I wanted from sun up to sun down (and I kind of think I deserved it).

Then Sunday I woke up a little hung over and feeling the full weight of responsibility. I quickly started in on my chores and cooking and tried to make up for the “lost” day. It was a day filled with guilt for my acting like a teenager the day before. And, sadly, I kind of dreaded the husband returning and potentially bringing along his doom and gloom attitude.

Long and short of it is this……my husband is not fun, he generally acts like he doesn’t even like me and more and more my solution to this problem is to just go and have my fun elsewhere. I haven’t given up on my marriage and I don’t want a divorce, but I feel less hopeful than ever. I know focusing on having a good time without him is just heading me into all kinds of trouble.

TOO MUCH stuff

I know I am going to sound like Charlie Sheen here but one of the reasons I don’t blog more often is because I have TOO many ideas going on in my head to put them down. My brain is always in overdrive and I have so many thoughts that I just can’t seem to pin them down well enough to write a comprehensive blog entry that is not some 6 pages long or something ridiculous like that.

And, when I try to put the thoughts into cacique short entries it just doesn’t work. They are all related and go hand in hand and don’t seem right when separated.

Another issue is privacy. Lately I have had some stuff to say…..or think out loud about…lots of things…..important things; but out of fear that somehow, some day my husband would find and read my blog, I can’t just say anything I want. I can’t just spill ALL my guts. I keep thinking how to make this work so I can express my feelings without loading a gun and handing it to him.

I often decide that if I just blogged for an hour or half hour a day, it would all work better. I would not get a buildup of ideas and feel so overwhelmed. Then again, if I wait, sometimes what I thought was so important one day seems silly the next. So then I am relieved that I did not bother to put the pen to paper or even if I typed it up I am glad I never actually published it. I do type a lot and then never finish it.

I also think that someday, when I leave this job and can’t have my external hard drive at work and safely away from my husband, I should just delete it all, all the personal B.S. that I really don’t want anyone to read should I die tomorrow. I mean really what good is it to keep all the letters I have received and journal entries I have written for the past 10 years……why bother? I don’t go back and read them for the most part, because the past is the past and it is rather pointless to go back there. Then again I have this strange fear that if I delete anything I might just need it, or miss it, or “lose” something important.

I am not a hoarder of stuff in fact I try to take stuff to the Salvation Army on a regular basis and I am fond of a good cleaning out and pitching of the contents of a cabinet or closet. But when it comes to emotions, or time, or ideas, or things the kids made, I am quite the opposite. I struggle to pitch my daughters craft projects from school yet I know I can’t possibly keep it all. I have to purge once in a while. All the STUFF weighs me down and I know it. I have about 10 large plastic bins in the basement with keep sakes from my youth. It has been 7 or 8 years since I last opened them. I should throw them away but if I pull them out and open them up………I will start to reminisce and they will end up back in the closet. I just can’t throw out the ring my first boyfriend bought me or the Life magazine from 1965 that my mom kept because she was pregnant with me. Those “things” are so much who I am. Maybe someday the kids will drag them out and wonder what they all mean. They mean something to me and only me for the most part.

Maybe that’s the criteria to use for sorting. Keep what I would want to show my grandkids and pitch the rest.