Last Thursday afternoon I spoke to JDK and he said he would go to the gym from work and be home after that. Which means he should show up at about 6:30.
He didn't arrive home until closer to 8. He was definitely in a bad mood, wouldn't make eye contact, didn't want to talk or be near us. I asked where he was and he told me his boss showed up at 4:30 pm and made him work late and then he went by his house on the way home. He did carry some items in with him. Not sure what though because I was trying to mind my own business and not let him irritate me. He said he brought clothes with him but I haven't seen any.
I pointed out that he should have let me know what was going on because I was worried. He didn't really respond.
He ate a few things in the kitchen and then went to bed 30 minutes after he arrived.....fully dressed, and slept on top of the covers.
Yesterday I got up early to go run so I really didn't talk to him at all in the morning. I later texted him that he should explain what is going on...that I have a right to know.
His response was "I don't know what's wrong. I feel a little isolated from "my life" (e.g. house) and work is not going so well and Beanie is on my nerves. I just need to blow off some steam...a good run and some guy time and I'll be fine." "Sorry I didn't respond sooner my boss was in my office."
I texted back we could stay at his house more..in fact we should just move up there and start getting my house ready to sell.
He said "Its fine. Really. We'll figure it out. No worries"
Actually this response made me angry. You see, it basically says nothing. It is the "pat her on the head and make her go away" thing to say.
I had been keeping a level head up until then but then I just got really pissed. I didn't blog about it though because I wanted to wait and think it through a little more.
Last night he was a little better. He watched TV with us. He didn't want to talk though. He went to bed early and was still grumpy, just not AS grumpy. He slept way over on the far side of the bed away from me.
SO HERE IS WHAT I WANT TO SAY:
1) yes I worry it is something to do with Roslyn. Trust is still a huge issue for me.
2) assuming he is not lying..... just because your boss messes up your gym schedule does NOT give you the right to be crappy to your family.....for days.
3) I get that sometimes people have a bad day and may not feel happy or be in a GOOD mood. I am willing to support my husband when he has a shitty day. But, it is just rude to treat people like he does. RUDE
4) When he hounds me for sex it wears me out. When he has no interest in looking at me much less touching me it freaks me out. WTH?
5) I wonder why he is stalling the whole move in together thing? Why not just pick a house and start working towards making that OUR home. He drags stuff to my house all the time and I am 95% certain we will be keeping his house not mine.
Basically it makes me wonder what is going on....where do I stand. If he is having doubts I want to know but then again maybe his doubts will pass and everything will be fine so why get me upset for nothing. Maybe he is being 100% honest and he just can't help be a jerk when his boss sucks. I don't understand acting angry with me if he isn't angry with me but I guess it could happen.
I hate feeling confused, bewildered or misled!
This morning his mood is a lot closer to normal but still, I do not understand why he has to do this stuff. I pointed out to him that I didn't start the bad mood cycle, he did. To which he wanted to argue about why I said that. I reminded him that he has implied before that my bad moods are not because of him and he thinks I am just a negative nelly. Well I was perfectly happy until he started being a jerk and I had to point that out.
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Monday, December 12, 2016
Happy Post
Seems like the only time I carve out time to blog is when I am all worked up and mad. I'm sure my blog just seems like all I do is bitch and complain. But really, in between posts, things are usually pretty good and I just do my daily work and go happily along. I just don't get around to blogging. I think the venting when I am mad is kind of therapeutic and when I feel good I don't feel as motivated to find the time.
Also, usually if I am mad I am really just hurt. I really need to focus on expressing how and why I am hurt rather than lashing out in anger.
But today I want to update the blog with how good things have been. Last Monday was not a good day....as I so profusely blogged. Tuesday was a bit better but by Wednesday everything was back to normal. JDK was in a good mood and things have been fine ever since.
So, out of the last 19 days we have had 17 that were just fine...or even really good. See, it's not so bad.
List time!
All the things that are better than before:
1) He plans his activities outside of work, every single day, around us or with us. We actively communicate on what we are up to each and every day. No more mister sneaking around and avoiding me.
2) He wants to do more family activities. He is going to do some Karate lessons with the Bean in January. He has agreed to go skiing in February. He says it is more fun to do this or that if we all do it together. He spends WAY more time with us than he used to.
3) He tells me he loves me from time to time....out of the blue. Like he is just thinking it so he says so.
4) He is way more physically affectionate outside of sex. He has been cuddly at night, cuddly in the morning. He rubs my back and legs all the time. The cuddling while we sleep is particularly good for me as I feel physically close to him without feeling pressured for sex.
5) Most of the time he is better about spending money on his family. He just offered to buy Beanie a new dress for Christmas. He has agreed to pay for half the ski trip even though I know he really dreads the expense. (He is such a super tightwad; always acting like he is broke when I know good and well how much he makes and how much he spends. He's just fine financially.)
6) Most of all he just seems to be happier all the time. Like he is just living a normal life and not walking around with a chip on his shoulder all the time. He used to always be at least somewhat angry. Lately he is only grumpy every so often.
Last Thursday night we went to bed and I was exhausted. I had gotten up at 4:30ish in the morning to go run and worked a very busy day. When we went to bed I was dreading that he would harass me for sex. But to my surprise, he cuddled me up close and said goodnight. I know darn good and well he was just being nice to me and putting my feelings before his. It was fantastic.
Last night I was feeling a bit grumpy about a few things that happened over the weekend. I told him I was feeling a bit down and he genuinely asked me what was wrong. It felt like he really cared about how I was feeling.
I know these are all normal things that all people in normal healthy relationships already have but for most of our marriage these basics were missing...hence the divorce.
But now things mostly seem normal and like we are really having a relationship. It is such a relief to feel things are going well.
Still....I sometimes get down about the fact that we had to go through so much to get here. It is such a shame we couldn't get here while we were still married....before Kevin and Roslyn and all.
(no time to proof read sorry)
Also, usually if I am mad I am really just hurt. I really need to focus on expressing how and why I am hurt rather than lashing out in anger.
But today I want to update the blog with how good things have been. Last Monday was not a good day....as I so profusely blogged. Tuesday was a bit better but by Wednesday everything was back to normal. JDK was in a good mood and things have been fine ever since.
So, out of the last 19 days we have had 17 that were just fine...or even really good. See, it's not so bad.
List time!
All the things that are better than before:
1) He plans his activities outside of work, every single day, around us or with us. We actively communicate on what we are up to each and every day. No more mister sneaking around and avoiding me.
2) He wants to do more family activities. He is going to do some Karate lessons with the Bean in January. He has agreed to go skiing in February. He says it is more fun to do this or that if we all do it together. He spends WAY more time with us than he used to.
3) He tells me he loves me from time to time....out of the blue. Like he is just thinking it so he says so.
4) He is way more physically affectionate outside of sex. He has been cuddly at night, cuddly in the morning. He rubs my back and legs all the time. The cuddling while we sleep is particularly good for me as I feel physically close to him without feeling pressured for sex.
5) Most of the time he is better about spending money on his family. He just offered to buy Beanie a new dress for Christmas. He has agreed to pay for half the ski trip even though I know he really dreads the expense. (He is such a super tightwad; always acting like he is broke when I know good and well how much he makes and how much he spends. He's just fine financially.)
6) Most of all he just seems to be happier all the time. Like he is just living a normal life and not walking around with a chip on his shoulder all the time. He used to always be at least somewhat angry. Lately he is only grumpy every so often.
Last Thursday night we went to bed and I was exhausted. I had gotten up at 4:30ish in the morning to go run and worked a very busy day. When we went to bed I was dreading that he would harass me for sex. But to my surprise, he cuddled me up close and said goodnight. I know darn good and well he was just being nice to me and putting my feelings before his. It was fantastic.
Last night I was feeling a bit grumpy about a few things that happened over the weekend. I told him I was feeling a bit down and he genuinely asked me what was wrong. It felt like he really cared about how I was feeling.
I know these are all normal things that all people in normal healthy relationships already have but for most of our marriage these basics were missing...hence the divorce.
But now things mostly seem normal and like we are really having a relationship. It is such a relief to feel things are going well.
Still....I sometimes get down about the fact that we had to go through so much to get here. It is such a shame we couldn't get here while we were still married....before Kevin and Roslyn and all.
(no time to proof read sorry)
Monday, December 5, 2016
Communication
And...the GOOD streak finally ends.
Last night....not even sure what started it....me and JDK had a HEAVY conversation. I won't call it a fight. We sat in bed next to each other and said things that weren't fun or pleasant, but no one yelled or screamed. No one got crazy. I was even together enough to call a brief time out when something he said hit me really wrong.
But still; it was painful.
Here is a smattering of things that were discussed.......
He thinks I am just an unhappy person and it has nothing to do with him. That I blame everyone else for my feeling instead of taking responsibility. That nothing would make me happy.
To which I replied with...."oh really, that is why I went to therapy for years, tried meds and am constantly reading self help books/articles and forever trying to change/better who I am. I am always trying to be a better me and self reflecting. If anything I am a fucking door mat and blame myself too much. I take too much crap from others...I am not good at being kind to myself."
I told him I was happy with Kevin and Rocco and that for a time we had very normal, healthy relationships. The only reason those relationships failed was NOT my fault. It was because they chose to put their love and attention into someone other than me. I didn't do anything to deserve that. I am positive that I did absolutely nothing to either of them to warrant how it all went down. They were both freaking selfish, childish, entitled and took me for granted. (much like he did)
I flat out told him that the big mistake I made with him was that when I was pregnant and he wasn't "on board" with it all... I stuck around. I was so worried about my kid having a dad and him having a chance that I put my needs last and stuck around to let him treat me like an option not a priority. I told him that I was an idiot to put up with his sub par behavior and if I had had an once of self worth I would have put my head in the air and walked away. I told him that my big flaw is putting up with people treating me like shit way after a healthy person would have turned and walked away; that healthy boundaries are an issue; that my parents trained me to accept abusive behavior from the people closest to me."
He then tells me how all relationships have their ups and downs and that you have to stick with people even in the bad times. I responded that there is a huge difference between being abused and sticking with a person when they are down.
The details of this "fight" haven't really stuck with me. But here are a few things that did.
First....when it was all said and done he a) asked for sex to heal from his wounds (of course) and b) says he was only trying to express how he wants to be a better person and I just took it all wrong; that I made something out of nothing. I started a fight for no reason.
He told me that he feels he can't be "open" with me or it starts a fight. I told him that honesty and transparency are essential to a healthy relationship and that all conversation will not always be pleasant.
He said he never lies to me that he just feels he can't open up. That there is a difference. I told him that was bullshit. (I don't hold it in anymore...I speak my mind.) I told him that all the years that he wasn't honest with me were real and that he CHOSE to keep his secrets and leave me in the dark. Mostly because it was easier for him and made him feel superior for some reason. But also (and this was a hard realization for me) because he liked having me judge him harshly because it gave him a good reason to think poorly of me. he could sit around and think "oh....she thinks so little of me...she judges me harshly." he actually liked that option. He didn't feel the need to smooth things over or make me understand that he didn't have mal intent....no he like being able to judge me and rate me as a shitty person who didn't understand him.
here is the thing. If you love someone you DO NOT want them to think badly of you and you will go to great lengths to make sure they understand that you care and love them and are not out to get them. When a person would rather just let you judge and then sit back and say "see, I knew you sucked and didn't care about me" rather than speak up and say "NO...I love you...I didn't' mean to hurt you....I was just xxxx"
Does that make sense? I mean really if you love someone you don't hurt them on purpose and if you do hurt them by accident you jump through flaming hoops to make it right and fix the wrong. If someone would rather not "fix it" after they are misunderstood then they are just setting you up to be judged and they are certainly not looking out for what is best for the relationship.
Ultimately....he was selfish and he is still battling that selfishness. I honestly believe he wants to be a better person and he wants to have healthy relationships. I also think he has spent a whole lot of time justifying how he treated me and it won't go away any time soon. He told me he will take all blame for everything past and present. (he is now the marter....is that supposed to make me happy?) I know that isn't the answer either.
The answer is a long road of building trust and caring for each other. I hope we can both make that happen!
Last night....not even sure what started it....me and JDK had a HEAVY conversation. I won't call it a fight. We sat in bed next to each other and said things that weren't fun or pleasant, but no one yelled or screamed. No one got crazy. I was even together enough to call a brief time out when something he said hit me really wrong.
But still; it was painful.
Here is a smattering of things that were discussed.......
He thinks I am just an unhappy person and it has nothing to do with him. That I blame everyone else for my feeling instead of taking responsibility. That nothing would make me happy.
To which I replied with...."oh really, that is why I went to therapy for years, tried meds and am constantly reading self help books/articles and forever trying to change/better who I am. I am always trying to be a better me and self reflecting. If anything I am a fucking door mat and blame myself too much. I take too much crap from others...I am not good at being kind to myself."
I told him I was happy with Kevin and Rocco and that for a time we had very normal, healthy relationships. The only reason those relationships failed was NOT my fault. It was because they chose to put their love and attention into someone other than me. I didn't do anything to deserve that. I am positive that I did absolutely nothing to either of them to warrant how it all went down. They were both freaking selfish, childish, entitled and took me for granted. (much like he did)
I flat out told him that the big mistake I made with him was that when I was pregnant and he wasn't "on board" with it all... I stuck around. I was so worried about my kid having a dad and him having a chance that I put my needs last and stuck around to let him treat me like an option not a priority. I told him that I was an idiot to put up with his sub par behavior and if I had had an once of self worth I would have put my head in the air and walked away. I told him that my big flaw is putting up with people treating me like shit way after a healthy person would have turned and walked away; that healthy boundaries are an issue; that my parents trained me to accept abusive behavior from the people closest to me."
He then tells me how all relationships have their ups and downs and that you have to stick with people even in the bad times. I responded that there is a huge difference between being abused and sticking with a person when they are down.
The details of this "fight" haven't really stuck with me. But here are a few things that did.
First....when it was all said and done he a) asked for sex to heal from his wounds (of course) and b) says he was only trying to express how he wants to be a better person and I just took it all wrong; that I made something out of nothing. I started a fight for no reason.
He told me that he feels he can't be "open" with me or it starts a fight. I told him that honesty and transparency are essential to a healthy relationship and that all conversation will not always be pleasant.
He said he never lies to me that he just feels he can't open up. That there is a difference. I told him that was bullshit. (I don't hold it in anymore...I speak my mind.) I told him that all the years that he wasn't honest with me were real and that he CHOSE to keep his secrets and leave me in the dark. Mostly because it was easier for him and made him feel superior for some reason. But also (and this was a hard realization for me) because he liked having me judge him harshly because it gave him a good reason to think poorly of me. he could sit around and think "oh....she thinks so little of me...she judges me harshly." he actually liked that option. He didn't feel the need to smooth things over or make me understand that he didn't have mal intent....no he like being able to judge me and rate me as a shitty person who didn't understand him.
here is the thing. If you love someone you DO NOT want them to think badly of you and you will go to great lengths to make sure they understand that you care and love them and are not out to get them. When a person would rather just let you judge and then sit back and say "see, I knew you sucked and didn't care about me" rather than speak up and say "NO...I love you...I didn't' mean to hurt you....I was just xxxx"
Does that make sense? I mean really if you love someone you don't hurt them on purpose and if you do hurt them by accident you jump through flaming hoops to make it right and fix the wrong. If someone would rather not "fix it" after they are misunderstood then they are just setting you up to be judged and they are certainly not looking out for what is best for the relationship.
Ultimately....he was selfish and he is still battling that selfishness. I honestly believe he wants to be a better person and he wants to have healthy relationships. I also think he has spent a whole lot of time justifying how he treated me and it won't go away any time soon. He told me he will take all blame for everything past and present. (he is now the marter....is that supposed to make me happy?) I know that isn't the answer either.
The answer is a long road of building trust and caring for each other. I hope we can both make that happen!
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Making Love vs. Sex
Sunday morning I woke up and first thing JDK did was ask for an ejaculation favor. We have been having sex at least once a day for at least a week now (actually for 6 months now) and I thought long and hard before I agreed to pleasure him.
I am going to be perfectly blunt....I am sick of the constant and never ending need for sex. I am sick of feeling that THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in the WHOLE world is sex. Sick. To. Fucking. Death.
He says it's all about feeling close and his way of feeling love. He tells me how much it means to him and how much he loves me and how it makes him feel so close to me. It all sounds so loving!
Every problem could be solved if I would just offer up more blow jobs and sex!!!
I don't feel it. I feel like he is just horny and using this all to his advantage. I think he loves to have sex and wants to do it as much as possible and he will do whatever he thinks helps to make that possible.
Sex, sex and more sex is really not fun for me. I just want to make love. It just really never feels like love....it just feels like his dick is super needy. He seems like a 14 year old boy who can't get his next orgasm out of his mind. That doesn't make me feel special or loved at all....actually, it's just kind of gross at 50 years old.
Unfortunately it seems so much worse than when we were married. I think when he was with Roslyn they had a lot of sex. I get that if I had just met him and he was super sweet and loving that I would also be wooed into believing we had this glorious love life and I would be way more excited about daily or multiple times a day sex. Husband has a very sexy bod....six pack abs and all.
I am pretty sure that they doinked all the time. Not to mention the 4 days a week with no kid at home so...yeah...sex in the kitchen at noon was possible.
Hell, I remember the first 2 years we were together and I always felt that his constant desire for sex with me was an expression of how much he cared for me. It was only later that I realized it really seemed to have nothing to do with me.....it was just him NEEDING to cum.
I have no doubt that the thought of them fucking day and night also sours it all a bit for me even if he swears that he "never made love to her with out missing me."
and "he craves my body...always has and always will."
Gah!
I really do believe that his indulgence in porn and masturbation have ruined what could be a beautiful expression of intimacy between two people. I do believe that he loves me and thinks it is an expression of love. He has no idea what it is like to really make love to a person though.
He has to watch. He likes to have a mirror or at least contort himself around so he can see his dick going in and out of me. Is that love?
But.....in the final analysis.....if daily sex is all it takes for him to be happy and be an awesome father and husband, it seems like such a simple thing. Doesn't it?
I am going to be perfectly blunt....I am sick of the constant and never ending need for sex. I am sick of feeling that THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in the WHOLE world is sex. Sick. To. Fucking. Death.
He says it's all about feeling close and his way of feeling love. He tells me how much it means to him and how much he loves me and how it makes him feel so close to me. It all sounds so loving!
Every problem could be solved if I would just offer up more blow jobs and sex!!!
I don't feel it. I feel like he is just horny and using this all to his advantage. I think he loves to have sex and wants to do it as much as possible and he will do whatever he thinks helps to make that possible.
Sex, sex and more sex is really not fun for me. I just want to make love. It just really never feels like love....it just feels like his dick is super needy. He seems like a 14 year old boy who can't get his next orgasm out of his mind. That doesn't make me feel special or loved at all....actually, it's just kind of gross at 50 years old.
Unfortunately it seems so much worse than when we were married. I think when he was with Roslyn they had a lot of sex. I get that if I had just met him and he was super sweet and loving that I would also be wooed into believing we had this glorious love life and I would be way more excited about daily or multiple times a day sex. Husband has a very sexy bod....six pack abs and all.
I am pretty sure that they doinked all the time. Not to mention the 4 days a week with no kid at home so...yeah...sex in the kitchen at noon was possible.
Hell, I remember the first 2 years we were together and I always felt that his constant desire for sex with me was an expression of how much he cared for me. It was only later that I realized it really seemed to have nothing to do with me.....it was just him NEEDING to cum.
I have no doubt that the thought of them fucking day and night also sours it all a bit for me even if he swears that he "never made love to her with out missing me."
and "he craves my body...always has and always will."
Gah!
I really do believe that his indulgence in porn and masturbation have ruined what could be a beautiful expression of intimacy between two people. I do believe that he loves me and thinks it is an expression of love. He has no idea what it is like to really make love to a person though.
He has to watch. He likes to have a mirror or at least contort himself around so he can see his dick going in and out of me. Is that love?
But.....in the final analysis.....if daily sex is all it takes for him to be happy and be an awesome father and husband, it seems like such a simple thing. Doesn't it?
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Date Night Verson 2.0
Last night Beanie stayed at a friends house so husband and I had a do-over of date night. We got Sushi....and he let me pick which ever I wanted. He paid, no issues. We went to his favorite bar where we talked for hours about anything and everything. We had 2 drinks a piece and the tab was obscenely expensive (fancy beer!) but he didn't complain a bit. It was, without a doubt, one of the best, most real, conversation he and I have ever had.
After that we came home and took a soak in the Jacuzzi tub with candles lit. Still chatting each other up. We finally went to bed and cuddled until we went to sleep. We both intended to make sweet love but we were tired and drank a bit too much so sleep we did.
This morning we cuddled and "enjoyed" each other some more. Eventually he left for the gym and I went to do my long run. Unfortunately Beanie was sick so he went and picked her up and I am home now keeping her company as she rests on the couch. Poor kid puked at the birthday party and the dear sweet mom cleaned her up and let her sleep and didn't bother us all night.
I totally owe her one!!
After that we came home and took a soak in the Jacuzzi tub with candles lit. Still chatting each other up. We finally went to bed and cuddled until we went to sleep. We both intended to make sweet love but we were tired and drank a bit too much so sleep we did.
This morning we cuddled and "enjoyed" each other some more. Eventually he left for the gym and I went to do my long run. Unfortunately Beanie was sick so he went and picked her up and I am home now keeping her company as she rests on the couch. Poor kid puked at the birthday party and the dear sweet mom cleaned her up and let her sleep and didn't bother us all night.
I totally owe her one!!
Monday, November 28, 2016
Happy Family for 5 days in a row
Last Wednesday he was sweet and attentive. He even offered to bring me lunch.
Thursday, Thanksgiving day, he was loving and grateful.
Friday he helped me move furniture and set up a better home office at my house. He helped with Beanie so I could work a half day. We put up the new Christmas tree and he was properly awed by it. He was the model husband.
Saturday Beanie went to a birthday party and JDK whipped out the $20 for the gift.
Saturday evening we went over to some friends house. He purchased some wine and snacks on the way. We had a good time.
Yesterday he busted his butt to put up the Christmas lights on the Blue house. Neither of us had ever put up light before so I was worried it wouldn't go well and he would get grumpy but no, he got it done and didn't gripe.
We even talked more about which house to keep and he seems genuinely interested in getting rid of at least one of these houses. We both agree it is an expense we don't want to continue for too long.
Then he went to the gym and offered to bring home dinner on the way back. I told him I wanted to make chili but it would be a long list. He happily encouraged me to make a list and offered to help cook. He purchased all the groceries and brought them home, cooked the ground beef and was totally happy to be under foot in the kitchen. We made a nice dinner together and then all three of snuggled on the couch and watched a movie.
Really, it was a great past 5 days. We need more of this!!!
Thursday, Thanksgiving day, he was loving and grateful.
Friday he helped me move furniture and set up a better home office at my house. He helped with Beanie so I could work a half day. We put up the new Christmas tree and he was properly awed by it. He was the model husband.
Saturday Beanie went to a birthday party and JDK whipped out the $20 for the gift.
Saturday evening we went over to some friends house. He purchased some wine and snacks on the way. We had a good time.
Yesterday he busted his butt to put up the Christmas lights on the Blue house. Neither of us had ever put up light before so I was worried it wouldn't go well and he would get grumpy but no, he got it done and didn't gripe.
We even talked more about which house to keep and he seems genuinely interested in getting rid of at least one of these houses. We both agree it is an expense we don't want to continue for too long.
Then he went to the gym and offered to bring home dinner on the way back. I told him I wanted to make chili but it would be a long list. He happily encouraged me to make a list and offered to help cook. He purchased all the groceries and brought them home, cooked the ground beef and was totally happy to be under foot in the kitchen. We made a nice dinner together and then all three of snuggled on the couch and watched a movie.
Really, it was a great past 5 days. We need more of this!!!
Friday, November 25, 2016
Thanksgiving
For Thanksgiving we went to his parents house. We had a very nice day. Everything was really great except for a few times his mom made me feel like I a was a nice visitor and not part of the family. That kind of hit me hard but I shook it off as best I could. He says they are still adjusting. ..........OK.
The days before thanksgiving were a big giant pile of crap tho. Lets back up to the Saturday before Thanksgiving...so November 19th. I was talking to JDK about the whole time together and social time thing because I was feeling a bit chapped about the way he used to take Roslyn out in public often and she has become friends with, or at least met, all his co-workers (in 10+ years I have never met his boss). It all goes back to how he was ashamed of me at first and then never wanted to be seen with me in public. He truly avoided all public activities with me as much as possible. Being married to a guy that doesn't want to be seen with you is pretty shitty and I guess I was still angry at him for it so I asked him why he treated her differently. His response was that she didn't require him to interact with her at home so he had tons of free time which left him energized to be more social more often. So....she was less demanding and easier to get along with at home leaving him feeling less drained "socially" around the house.
Side note: He claims, being an introvert, he only has a very little amount of energy for other people; that all social occasions wear him out and he requires alone time to recharge. Now, I am an introvert too, and social engagements are taxing for me as well, however, I believe your family is NOT a social occasion....it's your family. They are the people you relax with and don't need to "try" with, so I don't necessarily buy his whole theory. Being with your wife and kid should not wear you out so completely. UGH
As you can imagine I was not happy with the answer. So I asked him why the hell would he screw up such a great relationship with someone who was so obviously a better match for a guy that doesn't want to deal with other people? He yelled at me "because I still love you!" And he was mad the rest of the day. Hell, he was mad for days after that. I dropped the subject but also told him that the reason I ask these questions not to be an asshole but because I truly want to understand. All too often he doesn't make sense to me so now I ask lots of questions because I refuse to sit around and feel left in the dark.
So Sunday the 20th we were signed up to do a orienteering race. He had signed us up telling me it would be a fun adventure we could do together because, you know, we are trying to do more social things together. We dropped our daughter with his parents and went to the race where he chatted with old friends (people I don't know even though he met them while we were married) and acted like he barely knew me. Then the race started and he ran ahead of me and I just tried to keep up. He did wait for me once in a while or he would have totally lost me but basically I just chased after him through some crappy thorn riddled woods for an hour and a half. Not at all the fun together experience I was hoping for. However, in an effort to be sweet, loving and nice I was patient and kind and didn't complain. Oh and I got first place in the woman's race. Surprise!
Sunday night we left Beanie with his folks and traveled home to be kid free for the next few days. On the drive back he seemed better and told me he was happy I wasn't napping or on my cell phone. (See, he contradicts himself. Does he want me to leave him alone or not?) Once we got back home we tried to figure out something fun to do but finally decided it was too late to go out so he just turned on the TV and fell asleep. It was only 7:30 and I was disappointed.
The next day, Monday, we both had to work so sometime late in the afternoon I called him to get a fix on what he wanted to do after work. I assumed he would be hot to ride his bike so I offered to ride trainers with him. I wanted him to enjoy his evening! He confess he had already done a bike ride and had only worked a half day. He offered to take me out for dinner or drinks and said he would be over around 6 to pick me up.
I got all dressed up and was so excited to finally go out on a date! He arrived and we left the house still trying to decide where to go. Then I had a great idea, I told him I wanted to go to his favorite bar in town; a place I had never been before. I love going new places. (Even though I figured he probably frequented the place with Roslyn.) He cautioned that they don't serve food but we could carry in, so we ran in the grocery store on the way to pick up some sushi. He poo-pood my choice so I conceded and we got his choice. At the checkout he scans the label and sarcastically says to me "NO NO....don't worry, I got it." I was like seriously....we are tying to go out and have a fun date night and you are going to be petty about who is paying for some take out sushi from the grocery store!? I said it light heartedly but was truly shocked. The night was down hill from there....we ended up arguing most of the night and going to bed in tears; where he proposed we make love to sooth our hurt feelings. I told him I was NOT in the mood after the crappy evening.
The next morning I gave in and had sex because I want him to be happy. I don't want to keep "clashing". He seemed happy enough and we both went to the morning run together. Where he proceeded to stand at least 5 feet away from me as we waited for the runners to arrive. Why? What is wrong with him? If we are a couple why can't he stand by me like a normal spouse? Of course I pointed it out when we got home and he lectured me on how I should be counting my blessing and stop being so critical. No he didn't even apologize or deny that he was distant. He just criticized me for mentioning it. But seriously I can't continue letting him make me feel abused!
Tuesday after work we were supposed to go see a movie at 8. He showed up at my house around 6:30 and proceeded to lay on the couch and go sound asleep. Once again I felt he was avoiding taking me out so I sat and watched TV and felt rejected. When he woke up it was too late for the movie and I told him I was disappointed. (Let's fight some more!) So he then told me it was all my fault for not waking him and that he had been excited to go out and see the movie. GAH....he makes me crazy!!! You see this is all my fault because nothing is ever good enough for me. But seriously why can't he be excited to spend time with me. I went to bed furious that we wasted 3 whole days with no kid! I couldn't even sleep I was so pissed off. 3 days of fighting. NO FUN AT ALL.
Tuesday he was probably off work and did a big bike ride, drank beer or played with his tractor and was just exhausted and would have probably taken me to the movie to make me happy if I had pushed harder for it, but really why can't he just make quality time with me a priority when we don't have the kid!!?!? AND...when he has the kid he shows up here at 5 pm.....not 6:30.....so yeah.....he has the time he just chooses not to show up and be with me.
Wednesday I worked all day. He offered to bring me lunch and was super sweet....trying to smooth it all over. I was super busy at work so passed on the lunch date. However, we both vowed to have a good family thanksgiving. I was so sick of fighting!! We left town around 5 pm and arrived at his parents house at 7 pm where JDK was in a great mood and we all had a fun evening.
He says that I bring him down and I swear he starts the "down" spiral and I just succumb to the negativity and distance he creates. From now on I am going to be super vigilant and when he starts to get "off" with his mood I am not going to just brush it off or let it go I am going to point it out in an effort to get him to connect his behavior and moods to how he treats me and Beanie. We are going to figure this shit out. Because I really do believe he wants us all to be a happy in tact family. It just seems like the execution is really hard at times.
Oh and he admitted he was a jerk at the race because he was mad at me for starting the fight the day before.
The days before thanksgiving were a big giant pile of crap tho. Lets back up to the Saturday before Thanksgiving...so November 19th. I was talking to JDK about the whole time together and social time thing because I was feeling a bit chapped about the way he used to take Roslyn out in public often and she has become friends with, or at least met, all his co-workers (in 10+ years I have never met his boss). It all goes back to how he was ashamed of me at first and then never wanted to be seen with me in public. He truly avoided all public activities with me as much as possible. Being married to a guy that doesn't want to be seen with you is pretty shitty and I guess I was still angry at him for it so I asked him why he treated her differently. His response was that she didn't require him to interact with her at home so he had tons of free time which left him energized to be more social more often. So....she was less demanding and easier to get along with at home leaving him feeling less drained "socially" around the house.
Side note: He claims, being an introvert, he only has a very little amount of energy for other people; that all social occasions wear him out and he requires alone time to recharge. Now, I am an introvert too, and social engagements are taxing for me as well, however, I believe your family is NOT a social occasion....it's your family. They are the people you relax with and don't need to "try" with, so I don't necessarily buy his whole theory. Being with your wife and kid should not wear you out so completely. UGH
As you can imagine I was not happy with the answer. So I asked him why the hell would he screw up such a great relationship with someone who was so obviously a better match for a guy that doesn't want to deal with other people? He yelled at me "because I still love you!" And he was mad the rest of the day. Hell, he was mad for days after that. I dropped the subject but also told him that the reason I ask these questions not to be an asshole but because I truly want to understand. All too often he doesn't make sense to me so now I ask lots of questions because I refuse to sit around and feel left in the dark.
So Sunday the 20th we were signed up to do a orienteering race. He had signed us up telling me it would be a fun adventure we could do together because, you know, we are trying to do more social things together. We dropped our daughter with his parents and went to the race where he chatted with old friends (people I don't know even though he met them while we were married) and acted like he barely knew me. Then the race started and he ran ahead of me and I just tried to keep up. He did wait for me once in a while or he would have totally lost me but basically I just chased after him through some crappy thorn riddled woods for an hour and a half. Not at all the fun together experience I was hoping for. However, in an effort to be sweet, loving and nice I was patient and kind and didn't complain. Oh and I got first place in the woman's race. Surprise!
Sunday night we left Beanie with his folks and traveled home to be kid free for the next few days. On the drive back he seemed better and told me he was happy I wasn't napping or on my cell phone. (See, he contradicts himself. Does he want me to leave him alone or not?) Once we got back home we tried to figure out something fun to do but finally decided it was too late to go out so he just turned on the TV and fell asleep. It was only 7:30 and I was disappointed.
The next day, Monday, we both had to work so sometime late in the afternoon I called him to get a fix on what he wanted to do after work. I assumed he would be hot to ride his bike so I offered to ride trainers with him. I wanted him to enjoy his evening! He confess he had already done a bike ride and had only worked a half day. He offered to take me out for dinner or drinks and said he would be over around 6 to pick me up.
I got all dressed up and was so excited to finally go out on a date! He arrived and we left the house still trying to decide where to go. Then I had a great idea, I told him I wanted to go to his favorite bar in town; a place I had never been before. I love going new places. (Even though I figured he probably frequented the place with Roslyn.) He cautioned that they don't serve food but we could carry in, so we ran in the grocery store on the way to pick up some sushi. He poo-pood my choice so I conceded and we got his choice. At the checkout he scans the label and sarcastically says to me "NO NO....don't worry, I got it." I was like seriously....we are tying to go out and have a fun date night and you are going to be petty about who is paying for some take out sushi from the grocery store!? I said it light heartedly but was truly shocked. The night was down hill from there....we ended up arguing most of the night and going to bed in tears; where he proposed we make love to sooth our hurt feelings. I told him I was NOT in the mood after the crappy evening.
The next morning I gave in and had sex because I want him to be happy. I don't want to keep "clashing". He seemed happy enough and we both went to the morning run together. Where he proceeded to stand at least 5 feet away from me as we waited for the runners to arrive. Why? What is wrong with him? If we are a couple why can't he stand by me like a normal spouse? Of course I pointed it out when we got home and he lectured me on how I should be counting my blessing and stop being so critical. No he didn't even apologize or deny that he was distant. He just criticized me for mentioning it. But seriously I can't continue letting him make me feel abused!
Tuesday after work we were supposed to go see a movie at 8. He showed up at my house around 6:30 and proceeded to lay on the couch and go sound asleep. Once again I felt he was avoiding taking me out so I sat and watched TV and felt rejected. When he woke up it was too late for the movie and I told him I was disappointed. (Let's fight some more!) So he then told me it was all my fault for not waking him and that he had been excited to go out and see the movie. GAH....he makes me crazy!!! You see this is all my fault because nothing is ever good enough for me. But seriously why can't he be excited to spend time with me. I went to bed furious that we wasted 3 whole days with no kid! I couldn't even sleep I was so pissed off. 3 days of fighting. NO FUN AT ALL.
Tuesday he was probably off work and did a big bike ride, drank beer or played with his tractor and was just exhausted and would have probably taken me to the movie to make me happy if I had pushed harder for it, but really why can't he just make quality time with me a priority when we don't have the kid!!?!? AND...when he has the kid he shows up here at 5 pm.....not 6:30.....so yeah.....he has the time he just chooses not to show up and be with me.
Wednesday I worked all day. He offered to bring me lunch and was super sweet....trying to smooth it all over. I was super busy at work so passed on the lunch date. However, we both vowed to have a good family thanksgiving. I was so sick of fighting!! We left town around 5 pm and arrived at his parents house at 7 pm where JDK was in a great mood and we all had a fun evening.
He says that I bring him down and I swear he starts the "down" spiral and I just succumb to the negativity and distance he creates. From now on I am going to be super vigilant and when he starts to get "off" with his mood I am not going to just brush it off or let it go I am going to point it out in an effort to get him to connect his behavior and moods to how he treats me and Beanie. We are going to figure this shit out. Because I really do believe he wants us all to be a happy in tact family. It just seems like the execution is really hard at times.
Oh and he admitted he was a jerk at the race because he was mad at me for starting the fight the day before.
Monday, November 14, 2016
TIME
The new job is keeping me busy. The old job still needs me a few days a month. My kids require time and attention. I want to spend more time with JDK and making our relationship solid and happy. I NEED to get to the gym, do my runs and keep myself healthy. It is all getting a little overwhelming right now. I feel I am spread too thin.
This last week I haven't been sleeping well. Between the election, feeling that I am letting my co workers down by not getting everything done in a timely fashion and knowing that Roslyn is in town, I have been stressed. I haven't been getting to the gym as I would like because I am working so much which also gives me anxiety. I don't want to slip back into unhealthy habits.
I figured out where Roslyn lives. She purchased a small home near the hospital where she works. It is also right near where husband works. At first I was relieved that she was not near me and that I wouldn't be running into her in the grocery store; that drive byes wouldn't be convenient. Then it hit me how easy it would be for him to go see her during work hours. It is literally a mile from his office. I need to trust that he won't.....I think I did trust him until I read her texts to him and she seemed friendly. He told me she hates him and I was hoping she did. But, I snooped his phone and found they had been in touch a bit more than I knew. She told him she went to Ireland over the summer. She didn't seem angry at all. He said she was over it all and that she has moved on. I am not so sure she wouldn't take him back. I guess it doesn't matter. I can't worry about it....if it happens it is out of my control. I have to focus on trusting, loving and building and not doubting. But sometimes it is hard.
The new job is with a successful, growing company. The work load keeps increasing. I told them I needed part time but they have heaped a lot on me. I am not sure this will work out but the benefits of working at home and making my own hours keeps me hanging in there. Hopefully I can get over a hump and get into a groove and feel less overwhelmed by it.
The biggest issue lately, because it is the most critical thing in my mind, is time with JDK. We have a 9 year old with us most every waking moment that we are together. The only time we have alone to talk or cuddle is after she goes to bed or before she wakes up. So maybe an hour in the evening when we are both exhausted and an hour in the morning when we are not awake yet and suffer from morning breath. This lack of quality time is causing problems. JDK wants to spend it having sex because that is the most important thing to him. I want to spend it talking which is the most important thing to me. Ultimately we are usually too sleepy to do a very good job at either of these things which is not good. We need a babysitter way more often but there is just not a lot of options. There has been hurt feelings and miscommunication about these issues and it makes me worry.
Last night we had a good talk and hopefully we are both back on track. It makes me sick when I feel like we are both trying so hard yet we are still failing each other.
He finally agreed to go skiing this winter. I am excited about that. I am sure he will love it. I am going to do a better job at being enthusiastic about having lots of sex with the lights on so he can watch (ugh). I do love to make love with him.....it's just time.....it never feels like a the right time.
This last week I haven't been sleeping well. Between the election, feeling that I am letting my co workers down by not getting everything done in a timely fashion and knowing that Roslyn is in town, I have been stressed. I haven't been getting to the gym as I would like because I am working so much which also gives me anxiety. I don't want to slip back into unhealthy habits.
I figured out where Roslyn lives. She purchased a small home near the hospital where she works. It is also right near where husband works. At first I was relieved that she was not near me and that I wouldn't be running into her in the grocery store; that drive byes wouldn't be convenient. Then it hit me how easy it would be for him to go see her during work hours. It is literally a mile from his office. I need to trust that he won't.....I think I did trust him until I read her texts to him and she seemed friendly. He told me she hates him and I was hoping she did. But, I snooped his phone and found they had been in touch a bit more than I knew. She told him she went to Ireland over the summer. She didn't seem angry at all. He said she was over it all and that she has moved on. I am not so sure she wouldn't take him back. I guess it doesn't matter. I can't worry about it....if it happens it is out of my control. I have to focus on trusting, loving and building and not doubting. But sometimes it is hard.
The new job is with a successful, growing company. The work load keeps increasing. I told them I needed part time but they have heaped a lot on me. I am not sure this will work out but the benefits of working at home and making my own hours keeps me hanging in there. Hopefully I can get over a hump and get into a groove and feel less overwhelmed by it.
The biggest issue lately, because it is the most critical thing in my mind, is time with JDK. We have a 9 year old with us most every waking moment that we are together. The only time we have alone to talk or cuddle is after she goes to bed or before she wakes up. So maybe an hour in the evening when we are both exhausted and an hour in the morning when we are not awake yet and suffer from morning breath. This lack of quality time is causing problems. JDK wants to spend it having sex because that is the most important thing to him. I want to spend it talking which is the most important thing to me. Ultimately we are usually too sleepy to do a very good job at either of these things which is not good. We need a babysitter way more often but there is just not a lot of options. There has been hurt feelings and miscommunication about these issues and it makes me worry.
Last night we had a good talk and hopefully we are both back on track. It makes me sick when I feel like we are both trying so hard yet we are still failing each other.
He finally agreed to go skiing this winter. I am excited about that. I am sure he will love it. I am going to do a better job at being enthusiastic about having lots of sex with the lights on so he can watch (ugh). I do love to make love with him.....it's just time.....it never feels like a the right time.
Friday, November 11, 2016
SUCKER
This is my favorite picture of Kevin. He is a bit over 6 feet tall and when he is at a healthy weight, he is tall and handsome. He looks good for 50 with a boyish charm. AND I hate black t-shirts but I was happy to love him for what he was on the inside and not care about his "Harley guy" style which is so not my thing.
I remember the day I took this photo, I was feeling so very much in love and happy that I finally found a wonderful man that truly loved me. I believed he was the love of my life and we would grow old together.
I think the hardest part of all of this was finding out that it was a lie....that I was a sucker. That I believed in him and trusted him and he totally betrayed me.
I WAS SUCH AN IDIOT......A TOTAL SUCKER!
I can't stop beating myself up for not knowing....somehow I should have been smarter. I don't think it even makes sense that I could have known; yet I keep thinking how dumb I was to fall for him.
Today I stopped by his office to give him a package that had been mistakenly delivered to my house. I hadn't seen him or talked to him at all in at least 4 months. My heart was racing as I walked in the building. I was kind of hoping he would look terrible and I would think "man...he's disgusting...what did I see in him?" He was at the front desk talking to a customer and he smiled a big warm smile at me and mentioned he had been wondering where his package was. I handed it to him and left quickly. I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed that he wasn't alone in his office. I wanted to look at him more....longer...deeper. But why? That would be a waste. I walked out of there knowing that it didn't matter at all. That I would have been looking into a shallow soul of a selfish idiot. That moment that he smiled just reminded me of how much I loved him. Sadly, he still looks handsome to me.
There are days when I remember the good times and my heart aches for that man. Then I have to remind myself that the man I fell in love with wasn't real and doesn't even exits. He was a lie that this man named Kevin perpetrated against me.
I then think about the little 23 year old girl that he was romancing behind my back ...and under my nose and remind myself that this man is a seriously fucked up individual who royally screwed me and my family over because he doesn't have the maturity to make good decisions and respect other people.
Oh how I wish I could go back in time and have the guts to kick him out the minute I found out. I wish I had been able to just turn off my heart and extricate me and Beanie as swiftly as possible and exit the whole situation with grace and dignity. I am better than who I was last summer and I am ashamed for so much of what I have done in the past two years. He wasn't worth the pain I endured and I should have been stronger and never let him crush me.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Election Shock
I haven't been on FB talking politics and I have barely spoken to my friends and family about all this but today I feel like making a post.....just to get it out of my system and organize my thoughts, feelings.
In my wildest dreams I never thought that anyone in their right mind would elect this man president of the United States!
I'm in shock!
I sat up Tuesday night watching the election results in total disbelief. I was horrified. Not because my choice lost (and I am not a HRC fan but had to vote for her obviously) but because this man is a vile human being, a narcissist in its purest form. He is not suitable for office and has no idea what the job even entails. He is so full of himself that he thinks he can run this country....with ZERO experience.....he thinks he is the smartest person alive. He is delusional! It is so obvious to me and I can't believe that the majority of Americans can't see that. How stupid is the "unwashed masses" (as Bob Magness used to say)?
For me that was my first thought.....I can't believe that the majority of Americans are this stupid!
WOW ....eye opener!
How could they fall for this guys BS. He doesn't mean a word he says. He just spews things out for effect. It's totally unrealistic to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it!! I heard it would take like 30 years to even build it. It makes no sense to bring manufacturing back to the US. We can't afford to have our clothes made in America, labor is too expensive. And who will pick the fruits and vegetables when he deports all the illegals?
I'm not even worried about his groping of women or him being friends with the KKK (although how sick is he?); it is his God Complex that is troublesome to me. He seems reckless and emotionally unfit. I do wonder if he is on drugs....why don't they drug test this guy?
It has taken me a day to even understand what happened. I know perfectly nice, normal, rational people who voted for him. I kept think "how can they do that?!!!"
But...I think I figured it out......what it boils down to is they want change. They aren't happy with their lives or how the economy is treating them. They don't trust the career politicians so pretty much anyone who wasn't an insider had a really good chance at winning. So the real crime here is how has America gotten to a place where experienced politicians are MORE scary than a rich, narcissistic lunatic?
The irony of this is that he will have to hire experience politicians to help him do his job.....so really not that much will change. The politicians will still be there doing their thing.
I wonder how he feels now that it's a reality. Is he really excited to serve the people or maybe, just maybe, now that he WON is he over the whole game? I also worry that he will be assassinated or will have some scandal that will be an embarrassment to the U.S. It just seemed too risky to trust him for this job but I guess I now have to wish him the best and hope it all works out OK.
One thing I will say is that I think the health care system is totally jacked up ....so maybe he can get that fixed. That would be nice.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Strength
The year in the blue house with Kevin here treating me like crap really took its toll on me both emotionally and physically. Not sleeping, not exercising, constant stress, it was terrible.
After he moved out I immediately started to sleep better; which also may have been because I wasn't holding JDK's lies anymore. What ever it was, I finally started to actually sleep well most nights. That makes a HUGE difference in the quality of life.
Then there was the physical deterioration. When I finally started back to running regularly the weather was so hot and muggy that run after run felt like a death march. More than once I cut a run short and cried all the way home. I was trying to do long runs alone which is not good for my psyche; I really need some company for distraction. And then there are my bad feet, they were killing me. After a few months of nothing but crappy runs I really started to wonder if I would ever feel strong and healthy again. I started to entertain the idea of giving up running and just concentrating on cycling. But then, as soon as we had a little cool weather, I had a run or two that was "not so bad". Next I ran the half marathon and did so much better than expected. It was a turning point. I decided that I could and I would keep running. Just last week I actually felt GOOD while running.....I felt like the old me. This last Saturday I was running a 9 minute mile again. I am so happy and hopeful.
Yesterday I biked about 22 hilly miles and for the first time in forever I felt pretty strong on the bike. Like climbing hills wasn't just pathetic. And for the last few months I have been regularly lifting at the gym and I am almost back to my "normal" weights. It took way longer than I expected but I am getting back to normal.
Maybe some of this is just age. It's hard to tell. I do believe that my knees creek more and my shoulders pop all the time because of my age. I now snore with my mouth closed. (I didn't even know that was possible!) My feet are certainly worse these days....which was probably inevitable. I climb out of bed in the middle of the night to go pee and hobble all the way to the toilet because the souls of my feet feel sore. I don't think I recover as quickly from a hard workout as I used to. But that is just normal and I know it.
Last week we found out that Roslyn is now living in town. This is not what either of us wanted. We wanted her to go away, disappear, become a bad dream that we woke up from. But now we have to face the fact that she is here and we will have to come face to face with her.
At first we both took this hard. He got sullen and quiet and I felt fearful. But then, just like we have been doing for the last 6 months, we talked about it....we pulled together and we reaffirmed our mutual commitment to be a happy couple and support each other in life. We agreed that we would not let her presence ruin an event, that we would not avoid attending things for fear of seeing her. That we would do just as we please and not worry about her. She doesn't matter. HA!
I am proud of us both for digging deep and finding the strength to dig ourselves out of this hole we created. He often tells me he is grateful for the second chance. I always say "ME TOO!!!"
After he moved out I immediately started to sleep better; which also may have been because I wasn't holding JDK's lies anymore. What ever it was, I finally started to actually sleep well most nights. That makes a HUGE difference in the quality of life.
Then there was the physical deterioration. When I finally started back to running regularly the weather was so hot and muggy that run after run felt like a death march. More than once I cut a run short and cried all the way home. I was trying to do long runs alone which is not good for my psyche; I really need some company for distraction. And then there are my bad feet, they were killing me. After a few months of nothing but crappy runs I really started to wonder if I would ever feel strong and healthy again. I started to entertain the idea of giving up running and just concentrating on cycling. But then, as soon as we had a little cool weather, I had a run or two that was "not so bad". Next I ran the half marathon and did so much better than expected. It was a turning point. I decided that I could and I would keep running. Just last week I actually felt GOOD while running.....I felt like the old me. This last Saturday I was running a 9 minute mile again. I am so happy and hopeful.
Yesterday I biked about 22 hilly miles and for the first time in forever I felt pretty strong on the bike. Like climbing hills wasn't just pathetic. And for the last few months I have been regularly lifting at the gym and I am almost back to my "normal" weights. It took way longer than I expected but I am getting back to normal.
Maybe some of this is just age. It's hard to tell. I do believe that my knees creek more and my shoulders pop all the time because of my age. I now snore with my mouth closed. (I didn't even know that was possible!) My feet are certainly worse these days....which was probably inevitable. I climb out of bed in the middle of the night to go pee and hobble all the way to the toilet because the souls of my feet feel sore. I don't think I recover as quickly from a hard workout as I used to. But that is just normal and I know it.
Last week we found out that Roslyn is now living in town. This is not what either of us wanted. We wanted her to go away, disappear, become a bad dream that we woke up from. But now we have to face the fact that she is here and we will have to come face to face with her.
At first we both took this hard. He got sullen and quiet and I felt fearful. But then, just like we have been doing for the last 6 months, we talked about it....we pulled together and we reaffirmed our mutual commitment to be a happy couple and support each other in life. We agreed that we would not let her presence ruin an event, that we would not avoid attending things for fear of seeing her. That we would do just as we please and not worry about her. She doesn't matter. HA!
I am proud of us both for digging deep and finding the strength to dig ourselves out of this hole we created. He often tells me he is grateful for the second chance. I always say "ME TOO!!!"
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Irony
When I left husband it was mainly because he had told me repeatedly that he was doing the best he could and that "best he could" was leaving me feeling lonely and rejected. I saw two choices, either move on or spend the rest of my life in an unhappy marriage.
When he got the new girlfriend he bent over backwards to win her over and really he is a good catch in so many ways it is no wonder that she fell for him.
I always assumed that after they had been dating for a while and she was "won over" he would get back to his old ways and start treating her much like he treated me which would leave her feeling less like a partner and more like a wife appliance; you know, useful but not loved and respected.
But that's not how it worked out. Instead, he decided that he would have to change his ways if he ever expected to have a healthy, lasting relationship. I do believe that in day to day interactions he treated her WAY better than he treated me. He made it a point to do all the things I had been asking for so she wouldn't leave him too. I heard it from others, I saw it from things I knew and she even told me how much he adored her and how she basically had him wrapped around her little finger.
The other day he was telling me something personal and intimate and I heard a little voice inside my head start to judge what he was saying based on how he treated me when we were married. It said "yeah, that sounds great and all but I know you are just saying it to sound great at all and you don't REALLY mean it."
Then I remembered that he probably said these same things to her and she believed him and thus it strengthened their bond and closeness.
Throughout this process one of the biggest challenges has been to accept the current behavior at face value and enjoy it and not pull past wounds and judgements in on the situation. This is a "new" relationship for us and I need to let it be just that. He can't show me better and do better if I don't let him or believe him.
So I put the negative past out of my mind and embraced the situation like he was a new person and thought how sweet he was and that it made me feel happy and loved. And just like that things feel better and closer and kinder.
The irony is that he showed me he could do better with this other women and knowing that makes me feel a lot more confident that he can do it for me too. I found out that he CAN do better and now he wants to better for me. Not sure I would have believed him if I hadn't seen it happen for her.
I do believe that after I left he was really sorry that he couldn't put down his resentment and really show me love while we were married. And by the time he felt he could it was too late. Now he tells me all the time how happy he is that we have a second chance to make a good life together.
I do believe he loves me now and he shows me by trying to make things better in any way he can.
When he got the new girlfriend he bent over backwards to win her over and really he is a good catch in so many ways it is no wonder that she fell for him.
I always assumed that after they had been dating for a while and she was "won over" he would get back to his old ways and start treating her much like he treated me which would leave her feeling less like a partner and more like a wife appliance; you know, useful but not loved and respected.
But that's not how it worked out. Instead, he decided that he would have to change his ways if he ever expected to have a healthy, lasting relationship. I do believe that in day to day interactions he treated her WAY better than he treated me. He made it a point to do all the things I had been asking for so she wouldn't leave him too. I heard it from others, I saw it from things I knew and she even told me how much he adored her and how she basically had him wrapped around her little finger.
The other day he was telling me something personal and intimate and I heard a little voice inside my head start to judge what he was saying based on how he treated me when we were married. It said "yeah, that sounds great and all but I know you are just saying it to sound great at all and you don't REALLY mean it."
Then I remembered that he probably said these same things to her and she believed him and thus it strengthened their bond and closeness.
Throughout this process one of the biggest challenges has been to accept the current behavior at face value and enjoy it and not pull past wounds and judgements in on the situation. This is a "new" relationship for us and I need to let it be just that. He can't show me better and do better if I don't let him or believe him.
So I put the negative past out of my mind and embraced the situation like he was a new person and thought how sweet he was and that it made me feel happy and loved. And just like that things feel better and closer and kinder.
The irony is that he showed me he could do better with this other women and knowing that makes me feel a lot more confident that he can do it for me too. I found out that he CAN do better and now he wants to better for me. Not sure I would have believed him if I hadn't seen it happen for her.
I do believe that after I left he was really sorry that he couldn't put down his resentment and really show me love while we were married. And by the time he felt he could it was too late. Now he tells me all the time how happy he is that we have a second chance to make a good life together.
I do believe he loves me now and he shows me by trying to make things better in any way he can.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Missing Out on Nice Weather
What an amazing fall we have had. I can't remember the last time we had so much beautiful weather. It makes me wish I didn't have so much work to do so I could get outside and ride my bike more.
This spring Beanie got a new bicycle with gears and all. She was very excited when she received it and we did some fun bike rides. But that didn't last long and she started being very negative every time we wanted her to go for a ride with us. The fantasy that her father and I had of us taking leisurely fun family bike rides together was quickly fading.
Over the summer we forced her on a few rides all the while she complained incessantly that she was tired, itchy, had a head ache, etc. etc. It was so draining.
Then a few weeks ago her father announced that whether she liked it or not we were going to get out on our bikes and enjoy this amazing fall weather. As we all three drove to the trail head she bitched up a storm in the back seat. JDK and I just maintained a happy attitude and forged ahead hoping that she would get tired of complaining. She then managed to continue to gripe, acting miserable for fully three quarters of a 7.5 mile slow bike ride on the flat pedestrian trail that our city so dearly loves. At some point JDK lost his chipper smile and started to get angry. I can't blame him, she is ridiculous and eventually it suck the joy right out of you.
Last week we decided to try tennis. She did go out and participate after minimal complaining so we had a good time. We usually offer her a variety of outside activities but (probably much like most of today's youth) getting outside and using her body is just not something that she enjoys. All she wants to do is play on her tablet or watch TV.
We don't do this to her because we are selfish or want to torture her; we just want her to be a happy, healthy, active person. Also, in the past year or so she has gotten a bit chubby because she does love to eat. I don't want her to battle weight issues her whole life like so many people do. I want to model good behavior and show her how to take care of herself properly.
Last night I got done working at 5 pm and stepped out front to let the dogs go potty. The weather was amazing so I told Beanie we were all going to go for a nice long walk around the neighborhood. I gave her one dog and I took the other and we started down the sidewalk. The bitching started immediately but I wanted to be outside so badly that I told her she was going and it wasn't negotiable. She ratcheted up the complaining and I walked ahead of her as Olive tugged my arm off. And then I snapped. I just couldn't stomach the thought of spending the next 45 minutes with a dog that can't properly walk on a leash and a kid that is bound and determined to make my life miserable at all costs. I knew she wouldn't settle down and change her mind. I knew she would just harp at me the whole time about how much she hated walking. I knew that what I wanted to be a pleasurable activity was going to be a miserable drudge. So, less than a block from home, we turned around and went home. I told her she would have to go to bed but then I remembered she still had homework to do. We got home and I ordered her to do her homework and then I just sat there feeling like a prisoner of her crappy mood.
I can't tell you how sick I am of her complaining and how tired I am of trying to be happy and positive all the while people are complaining at me and treating me like crap. I want to enjoy my life but it seems like the world conspires to make it a constant uphill battle.
I don't want to sit here and wish away her youth, but I can't help but think that in just a few more years I will have a lot more freedom to just go for a walk and leave her home alone if she doesn't want to go. But really why can't we have fun as a family doing healthy activities? Why can't she participate and be pleasant? I would like to have fun with her and enjoy her company! I wish I was smart enough to manipulate her instead of her manipulating me. It is so frustrating!
This spring Beanie got a new bicycle with gears and all. She was very excited when she received it and we did some fun bike rides. But that didn't last long and she started being very negative every time we wanted her to go for a ride with us. The fantasy that her father and I had of us taking leisurely fun family bike rides together was quickly fading.
Over the summer we forced her on a few rides all the while she complained incessantly that she was tired, itchy, had a head ache, etc. etc. It was so draining.
Then a few weeks ago her father announced that whether she liked it or not we were going to get out on our bikes and enjoy this amazing fall weather. As we all three drove to the trail head she bitched up a storm in the back seat. JDK and I just maintained a happy attitude and forged ahead hoping that she would get tired of complaining. She then managed to continue to gripe, acting miserable for fully three quarters of a 7.5 mile slow bike ride on the flat pedestrian trail that our city so dearly loves. At some point JDK lost his chipper smile and started to get angry. I can't blame him, she is ridiculous and eventually it suck the joy right out of you.
Last week we decided to try tennis. She did go out and participate after minimal complaining so we had a good time. We usually offer her a variety of outside activities but (probably much like most of today's youth) getting outside and using her body is just not something that she enjoys. All she wants to do is play on her tablet or watch TV.
We don't do this to her because we are selfish or want to torture her; we just want her to be a happy, healthy, active person. Also, in the past year or so she has gotten a bit chubby because she does love to eat. I don't want her to battle weight issues her whole life like so many people do. I want to model good behavior and show her how to take care of herself properly.
Last night I got done working at 5 pm and stepped out front to let the dogs go potty. The weather was amazing so I told Beanie we were all going to go for a nice long walk around the neighborhood. I gave her one dog and I took the other and we started down the sidewalk. The bitching started immediately but I wanted to be outside so badly that I told her she was going and it wasn't negotiable. She ratcheted up the complaining and I walked ahead of her as Olive tugged my arm off. And then I snapped. I just couldn't stomach the thought of spending the next 45 minutes with a dog that can't properly walk on a leash and a kid that is bound and determined to make my life miserable at all costs. I knew she wouldn't settle down and change her mind. I knew she would just harp at me the whole time about how much she hated walking. I knew that what I wanted to be a pleasurable activity was going to be a miserable drudge. So, less than a block from home, we turned around and went home. I told her she would have to go to bed but then I remembered she still had homework to do. We got home and I ordered her to do her homework and then I just sat there feeling like a prisoner of her crappy mood.
I can't tell you how sick I am of her complaining and how tired I am of trying to be happy and positive all the while people are complaining at me and treating me like crap. I want to enjoy my life but it seems like the world conspires to make it a constant uphill battle.
I don't want to sit here and wish away her youth, but I can't help but think that in just a few more years I will have a lot more freedom to just go for a walk and leave her home alone if she doesn't want to go. But really why can't we have fun as a family doing healthy activities? Why can't she participate and be pleasant? I would like to have fun with her and enjoy her company! I wish I was smart enough to manipulate her instead of her manipulating me. It is so frustrating!
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
I have just 30 minutes to type!
Just a quick update before I start working. Been too long since I last blogged!
My new laptop arrived way before I expected it. Yippy
The new job, for the sandwich shop (Gourmet Café), is going well. I work from home which is, for the most part, totally awesome. I love the efficiency of it on both a personal and professional level. The company is saving a lot of money by not paying for office space and the insurance, utilities etc. for an office. I can drop my kid off at school and come home and get right to work. I don't need to get dressed or drive anywhere; what a time saver. I also save the cost of gas. And, if I am to be perfectly honest, I like being home alone and not having all the stress of relating to coworkers, attending meetings, etc. Also, it is pretty cool to take a quick break and throw in a load of laundry or something like that. So efficient. The only draw back would be that sometimes it is a little harder to communicate with co-workers. But mostly we can figure things out via email, text or phone. And if I need to I can go over to Tara's house (the girl who is training me) and work with her in person.
It is however keeping me very busy....there is plenty of work to do and things to learn!
I am still helping out part time at the construction company too. So now I am feeling a little pressed to make it up to their office and get my work done for them. Not a big deal though.
Oh...and the pay is pretty good. I was super happy to see my first check. I still can't believe I am managing to cobble together enough money to pay all my bills! Insurance is still an issue that I will have to deal with soon though. Bummer.
I keep in touch with some co-workers at the bus depot and this week things are really terrible there. Looks like 2 of the office staff are going to just up and quit. SOOOOO glad I got out of there!
JDK and I have had a few bad days lately. But ultimately we are talking things through and BOTH being very conscious of it when we feel old bad habits creeping in. He is totally making an effort to do better and make things happy and healthy for all of us. That is all I ever wanted from him. I am 99% confident that we can figure it all out and have a good life together.
I really want to blog in more detail about all the interpersonal stuff we are going through and how we are dealing with it all. I promise I will make time for it....just not today.
The weekend in Little Rock was great. I actually won 3rd place in my age group. Being old has it's benefits. But most of all it was so wonderful to spend some time with Stina. Man I miss her!!!! Husband was a bit moody but did all the driving which was very much appreciated. I hate to drive and my legs would have totally ceased up if I had to drive back after running 13.2 miles as out of shape as I am. Husband also brought a book on tape along that we listened to in the car. That really helped pass the time on the approximately 6 hour drive each way.
Friss is doing awesome. But they changed how you can put $ on his phone account so now I am realizing that I spend about $40 a month to talk to him on the phone. I am happy to do it for him, but really it is like robbery making me pay that much for phone calls. The system stinks. We are also working on getting him transferred to a different camp. The one he is at now has to be the worst in the state so hopefully we can get him out of there soon.
Monster is still in the basement but he is looking for a place to move to. I told him I plan to sell the house so he is working on his next move. Nina's dog is still here which is not ideal but Monster has been doing a better job of being home and taking care of the dogs. AND he doesn't let them upstairs. Yeah.
I called CenturyLink to see if I could move my internet service to JDK's house since I want to move back up there sometime in the next few months. Transferring the service is not a big deal but the fiber optic cable that they put to his house is not up and running yet so I can't move yet. Hopefully soon they will get it functional and I can move. I sure hope that it isn't 6 months or something ridiculous like that. I need internet to work and I want to get this house on the market early next spring!
My new laptop arrived way before I expected it. Yippy
The new job, for the sandwich shop (Gourmet Café), is going well. I work from home which is, for the most part, totally awesome. I love the efficiency of it on both a personal and professional level. The company is saving a lot of money by not paying for office space and the insurance, utilities etc. for an office. I can drop my kid off at school and come home and get right to work. I don't need to get dressed or drive anywhere; what a time saver. I also save the cost of gas. And, if I am to be perfectly honest, I like being home alone and not having all the stress of relating to coworkers, attending meetings, etc. Also, it is pretty cool to take a quick break and throw in a load of laundry or something like that. So efficient. The only draw back would be that sometimes it is a little harder to communicate with co-workers. But mostly we can figure things out via email, text or phone. And if I need to I can go over to Tara's house (the girl who is training me) and work with her in person.
It is however keeping me very busy....there is plenty of work to do and things to learn!
I am still helping out part time at the construction company too. So now I am feeling a little pressed to make it up to their office and get my work done for them. Not a big deal though.
Oh...and the pay is pretty good. I was super happy to see my first check. I still can't believe I am managing to cobble together enough money to pay all my bills! Insurance is still an issue that I will have to deal with soon though. Bummer.
I keep in touch with some co-workers at the bus depot and this week things are really terrible there. Looks like 2 of the office staff are going to just up and quit. SOOOOO glad I got out of there!
JDK and I have had a few bad days lately. But ultimately we are talking things through and BOTH being very conscious of it when we feel old bad habits creeping in. He is totally making an effort to do better and make things happy and healthy for all of us. That is all I ever wanted from him. I am 99% confident that we can figure it all out and have a good life together.
I really want to blog in more detail about all the interpersonal stuff we are going through and how we are dealing with it all. I promise I will make time for it....just not today.
The weekend in Little Rock was great. I actually won 3rd place in my age group. Being old has it's benefits. But most of all it was so wonderful to spend some time with Stina. Man I miss her!!!! Husband was a bit moody but did all the driving which was very much appreciated. I hate to drive and my legs would have totally ceased up if I had to drive back after running 13.2 miles as out of shape as I am. Husband also brought a book on tape along that we listened to in the car. That really helped pass the time on the approximately 6 hour drive each way.
Friss is doing awesome. But they changed how you can put $ on his phone account so now I am realizing that I spend about $40 a month to talk to him on the phone. I am happy to do it for him, but really it is like robbery making me pay that much for phone calls. The system stinks. We are also working on getting him transferred to a different camp. The one he is at now has to be the worst in the state so hopefully we can get him out of there soon.
Monster is still in the basement but he is looking for a place to move to. I told him I plan to sell the house so he is working on his next move. Nina's dog is still here which is not ideal but Monster has been doing a better job of being home and taking care of the dogs. AND he doesn't let them upstairs. Yeah.
I called CenturyLink to see if I could move my internet service to JDK's house since I want to move back up there sometime in the next few months. Transferring the service is not a big deal but the fiber optic cable that they put to his house is not up and running yet so I can't move yet. Hopefully soon they will get it functional and I can move. I sure hope that it isn't 6 months or something ridiculous like that. I need internet to work and I want to get this house on the market early next spring!
Thursday, October 6, 2016
BUSY!
I just ordered my new laptop for my new job with the Gourmet Café. I am really optimistic that this may be a good long term fit for me. The stupid computer, however, won't be here for at least a week which is a little stressful. The price was so good I couldn't pass it up so I am going to have to make do until it arrives.
Today I am headed in to the Bus Depot for my last day. Really excited to just be done with the place.
Yesterday I worked at the Construction company and updated / fixed their cash forecast spreadsheet. I have to brag that it turned out fantastic and I really enjoyed the project.
Tomorrow we leave for a family trip to Little Rock Arkansas where on Sunday I will run a half marathon with my old running buddy Stina. I am really excited to see her and have a little vacation.
Tonight Beanie has swim lessons but I have arranged a ride for her. I also need to get dog food and pick up a prescription and start packing for the trip.
Lots of good things happening!!
Today I am headed in to the Bus Depot for my last day. Really excited to just be done with the place.
Yesterday I worked at the Construction company and updated / fixed their cash forecast spreadsheet. I have to brag that it turned out fantastic and I really enjoyed the project.
Tomorrow we leave for a family trip to Little Rock Arkansas where on Sunday I will run a half marathon with my old running buddy Stina. I am really excited to see her and have a little vacation.
Tonight Beanie has swim lessons but I have arranged a ride for her. I also need to get dog food and pick up a prescription and start packing for the trip.
Lots of good things happening!!
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Sleep
Why the hell would I be up this early on a Saturday morning after not getting much sleep at all last night? Well the main reason is because I had to come back to my house to let the kid's dogs out to pee. That's right Monster went out of town with his janky ex-girlfriend to go camping. They're not back together, they're still broke up, but they planned this trip for a long time and they're meeting friends so I got stuck dog sitting. On top of that, Nina was out of town all last week at her new job and the boy could hardly be bothered to come home and let the dogs out so I did it a few times in the hopes they wouldn't shit all over my basement. I don't think he slept here even one single night. I am not happy at all with how they don't take care of their dogs!
Tonight is Beanie's birthday party at her dad's house so I'm going to have ten little girls sleeping over to supervise. So probably no sleep tonight either. UGH
Oh and I will have to come back here again to let the dogs out again all weekend. GRRRR
Yesterday was a busy day. I ran errands and got tons done before I went to my class at the gym at 11. After that I went into work and spent all afternoon working on a huge spreadsheet that forecasts our cash flow. It was fun but it was mentally taxing. After work I grabbed a beer with a few friends and then came home to let the dogs out. Next I went to Hubby's house where we continued to prepare for the birthday party. By the time we hit the bed around 9 p.m. I was exhausted and fell asleep before husband could get his beloved sex.
I woke up a couple of times to go pee, cause stupid beer does that to you and then later husband kept waking up and getting up and making noise in the kitchen and then he let Olive in and she was snoring at one point and it sounded like a little girl wining so I had to wake up enough to figure out I was just hearing the dog. Around 3:30 the flickering lights of the TV in the living room were shining in the window and that woke me up. So basically I was awake a lot but even worse I got woke up OVER and OVER again all night long. I asked him why he couldn't sleep and he didn't have a good answer. I finally decided that I would have sex with him if it would settle him down but he fell sound asleep the minute he climbed back in bed.
The sex thing drives me crazy. Basically if he gets sex every day he is the happiest guy alive. So sweet so loving. But if he doesn't he gets moody and quiet. I HATE when he is moody and quiet and it certainly doesn't make me feel MORE like having sex. And although no contract has been written....he pretty much expects to make love when we go to bed and if we are too tired for that then he expects it the next morning. He would certainly be happy if we could do it every morning AND every night but there is no way in hell I could muster up that much enthusiasm for the activity. Don't get me wrong, I like it and I am more than happy to participate knowing how much it means to him but GOSH it just feels like a never ending chore / expectation. It is worse than dishes or laundry.....it is always hanging over my head.
The only thing worse than not sleeping is getting woke up constantly. I feel like total crap now and I need to get out and do my long run.
Oh and the drive home this morning from Hubby's house was adventuresome; first there was a raccoon in the road I had to go around then I saw at least 5 deer in the middle of the road. Imagine 10 glowing eyeballs all looking at your head lights. They scattered as I got closer. Farther up the road a kitty darted off the road and finally near my house something scuttled across the street in front of me and I have no idea what it was. It looked like a bird but moved like a lizard and quit frankly it was dark and I am tired and we will never know what the heck it was.
Seriously I am exhausted and my whole body aches. BUT....I better go get dressed and hit the road. I hate running in the daylight!
Friday, September 30, 2016
Birthday
August 29th was my birthday. It was a Monday. Hubby took the day off so we could spend the day having fun.
We dropped Beanie at school and jumped on our bikes. The plan was to bike to a little river town about 25 miles down the trail (we have lovely "Rails-to-Trails" all over the area) and grab lunch at a quaint café.
Unfortunately when we got there we found the café was closed and up for sale and there was no place else to eat. We stopped briefly for a snack and I snapped this selfie.
Don't we look happy?! :)
We then biked back towards home and just as the rain decided to let loose we arrived at this local funky camp ground where we knew we could grab some Thai food from a wacky lady that sells her food from a camper by the general store.
We sat and drank beer under the awning and waited for the rain to let up. Finally we were forced to head out if we wanted to pick up the kid in time. It was still drizzling when we left but stopped fairly quickly. However, the trail was now an icky sticky mess.
And it stuck all over my legs.
After we picked up the girl we all went out to dinner and had the best time. It was a VERY nice birthday indeed.
He didn't get me a gift ON my birthday but he is vigorously searching for a tandem bicycle to purchase for us so we can have more adventures riding together. A good one is going to be over $1000 used!
Really the gift of time is the best gift.
We dropped Beanie at school and jumped on our bikes. The plan was to bike to a little river town about 25 miles down the trail (we have lovely "Rails-to-Trails" all over the area) and grab lunch at a quaint café.
Unfortunately when we got there we found the café was closed and up for sale and there was no place else to eat. We stopped briefly for a snack and I snapped this selfie.
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| I love this photo! |
We then biked back towards home and just as the rain decided to let loose we arrived at this local funky camp ground where we knew we could grab some Thai food from a wacky lady that sells her food from a camper by the general store.
We sat and drank beer under the awning and waited for the rain to let up. Finally we were forced to head out if we wanted to pick up the kid in time. It was still drizzling when we left but stopped fairly quickly. However, the trail was now an icky sticky mess.
And it stuck all over my legs.
After we picked up the girl we all went out to dinner and had the best time. It was a VERY nice birthday indeed.
He didn't get me a gift ON my birthday but he is vigorously searching for a tandem bicycle to purchase for us so we can have more adventures riding together. A good one is going to be over $1000 used!
Really the gift of time is the best gift.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
A Simple Post
I woke up this morning and the room was cool and the air was fresh. I love sleeping with the windows open. My pillow felt perfect (you know what I mean). I could hear him breathing next to me; a sweet, deep, calm breath of a happy restful sleep. I was full of joy. FULL.
And I realized that he seems happy. That he never seemed truly happy before but now he does. Him being happy makes me happy.
Our marriage was never happy because it wasn't what he really wanted. In his own words, he tolerated it.
But now I believe he does. The big difference is that for once it is what we BOTH want. So simple!
And I realized that he seems happy. That he never seemed truly happy before but now he does. Him being happy makes me happy.
Our marriage was never happy because it wasn't what he really wanted. In his own words, he tolerated it.
But now I believe he does. The big difference is that for once it is what we BOTH want. So simple!
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Summer of Family Fun
Getting back with JDK felt so weird at first. We started staying with each other every single night. We would cuddle and make love and it was really wonderful. Yet waking up in my old bed at my old house was a little surreal. At first I think we were both feeling nervous wondering how it would all play out.......cautiously wading in and hoping it was what we both wanted.
We planned family outings and started spending a lot of quality time together and really it has all been very good. There have been a few fights, mainly over old wounds which I guess was inevitable. We get past them. We focus on making today good. We are both optimistic about our future together. I know that as long as he treats me like someone he actually likes/loves I am very happy to be a family again.
Here are some of the highlights from this summer:
We planned family outings and started spending a lot of quality time together and really it has all been very good. There have been a few fights, mainly over old wounds which I guess was inevitable. We get past them. We focus on making today good. We are both optimistic about our future together. I know that as long as he treats me like someone he actually likes/loves I am very happy to be a family again.
Here are some of the highlights from this summer:
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| JDK did a big out of town bike race and Beanie and I went along to do support. |
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| Daddy took us all out for dinner. Happy that Ramone could join us. |
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| Weekend vacation in Hannibal Missouri. Great family times! |
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| Beanie was thrilled to ride the Mark Twain river boat. |
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| Beanie made Daddy a mug for fathers day. |
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| I traveled to Colorado to participate in our annual multisport club nationals competition. We won AGAIN! |
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| Daddy bought Beanie a new bike and we have been cycling a lot. My favorite! |
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| We spent a weekend in Arkansas at my big family reunion. Lots of cousins! |
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| My brothers and their kids and their kids! |
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| And we stopped to explore the BIG Bass Pro shop. Very cool. There is lots more but who I have to go to work now! |
Friday, September 23, 2016
Kevin
At the time he moved out he was being rather nice. He even said "this is hard". It made me think he may be human after all!
Later that week he helped me go pick up my new kitchen table and chairs. I was very appreciative. He even came over and sprayed my lawn for weeds!
A week or two after that me and Beanie went to his house and watched the season finally of Dancing With the Stars. A show we had always watched together. At some point we also did some shopping to outfit his house with new décor. We picked out a very cool wall clock at Bed Bath and Beyond and he picked out some black sheets for his bedroom. (He loves black...go figure?)
On May 21st I helped him build these storage shelves in his garage.
He purchased a home with no basement so this is where he keeps camping things and his T-shirt collection, etc.
His beloved tractor fits in there but not his new truck. The other side of the garage holds his motorcycle and workbench. He regrets not getting a 3 car garage!
After that I started focusing on my relationship with JDK, so Kevin and I didn't talk much other than the occasional text.
At some point the escrow refund was mailed to his house. The check had both our names on it so he gave it to me to deposit and I paid him back half of the deposit.
A few weeks later I figured we were all square and nothing janky was going to happen so I took his title to his motorcycle and his daughters car to him at his office. I had been holding it just in case he decided to do something terrible to me....you know for leverage. When he moved out he never thought to retrieve these vital documents from my fire box.
I walked in to the office around 10 am and it was very busy. He was on the phone and the office was a buzz with activity. I stood there for a few minutes and he never even looked up or acknowledged my presence. I got tired of waiting so I just put the envelope on his keyboard and left.
Hours later I had not heard from him at all so I texted "did you get the titles in the envelope?" He responded "Yes, thank you." And that was all. I sat there thinking it was odd that he wasn't more grateful or communicative. I mean really.....getting the titles to your stuff that you forgot all about should be a little more exciting than that.
A few days later I texted him regarding some stuff in our basement that needed to be thrown away. He has a big dumpster at his office that is a good place to dump stuff. He ignored me. There were a few other "no big deal" texts that he never responded to either.....it became clear to me that he had decided to break off all contact. I texted a few more times and got NO response. Suspicion confirmed.
You know what.....I really didn't care much. (But it is rather sad.) There is no point in keeping in touch. It is all over. The person I thought was going to be the love of my life had turned out to be "someone that I used to know." AND that is the thing that scares me most about this whole chapter of my life. You can meet a person who is kind and loving and generous and shows all signs of being an amazing person that you are so very happy came in to your life; someone who really does check off all the boxes of what a healthy relationship should be; someone who wants to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you; someone you invest a lot of time and trust in. .....
...................And, JUST LIKE THAT, it's gone. It was a lie. It wasn't what you thought it was or hoped it would be. And you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start all over.
People are shitty and betray you.....sadly.....that is how life works!
(and if I am totally honest here....I miss the fuck out of that man.....the one I thought I had (but he wasn't real).....I deeply mourn the loss.)
Later that week he helped me go pick up my new kitchen table and chairs. I was very appreciative. He even came over and sprayed my lawn for weeds!
A week or two after that me and Beanie went to his house and watched the season finally of Dancing With the Stars. A show we had always watched together. At some point we also did some shopping to outfit his house with new décor. We picked out a very cool wall clock at Bed Bath and Beyond and he picked out some black sheets for his bedroom. (He loves black...go figure?)
On May 21st I helped him build these storage shelves in his garage.
He purchased a home with no basement so this is where he keeps camping things and his T-shirt collection, etc.
After that I started focusing on my relationship with JDK, so Kevin and I didn't talk much other than the occasional text.
At some point the escrow refund was mailed to his house. The check had both our names on it so he gave it to me to deposit and I paid him back half of the deposit.
A few weeks later I figured we were all square and nothing janky was going to happen so I took his title to his motorcycle and his daughters car to him at his office. I had been holding it just in case he decided to do something terrible to me....you know for leverage. When he moved out he never thought to retrieve these vital documents from my fire box.
I walked in to the office around 10 am and it was very busy. He was on the phone and the office was a buzz with activity. I stood there for a few minutes and he never even looked up or acknowledged my presence. I got tired of waiting so I just put the envelope on his keyboard and left.
Hours later I had not heard from him at all so I texted "did you get the titles in the envelope?" He responded "Yes, thank you." And that was all. I sat there thinking it was odd that he wasn't more grateful or communicative. I mean really.....getting the titles to your stuff that you forgot all about should be a little more exciting than that.
A few days later I texted him regarding some stuff in our basement that needed to be thrown away. He has a big dumpster at his office that is a good place to dump stuff. He ignored me. There were a few other "no big deal" texts that he never responded to either.....it became clear to me that he had decided to break off all contact. I texted a few more times and got NO response. Suspicion confirmed.
You know what.....I really didn't care much. (But it is rather sad.) There is no point in keeping in touch. It is all over. The person I thought was going to be the love of my life had turned out to be "someone that I used to know." AND that is the thing that scares me most about this whole chapter of my life. You can meet a person who is kind and loving and generous and shows all signs of being an amazing person that you are so very happy came in to your life; someone who really does check off all the boxes of what a healthy relationship should be; someone who wants to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you; someone you invest a lot of time and trust in. .....
...................And, JUST LIKE THAT, it's gone. It was a lie. It wasn't what you thought it was or hoped it would be. And you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start all over.
People are shitty and betray you.....sadly.....that is how life works!
(and if I am totally honest here....I miss the fuck out of that man.....the one I thought I had (but he wasn't real).....I deeply mourn the loss.)
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Nina
This is my son Monster's girlfriend Nina.
A friend of hers did these photos. SO COOL!
Monster and Nina moved into my basement last July. I love having them so close and the rent money helps me afford this house.
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| Monster, Beanie and Nina |
She is a super sweet girl; a very kind and giving soul. She has a degree in forestry and currently works at a local "healthy" option restaurant. She eats raw foods, meditates regularly and does yoga.
Since they moved in I don't see them much because they work a lot but I see them more than before and it means a lot to me.
BUT, as much as I love having them here, there is a down side. They really do try to be good house mates but they are still young and rather irresponsible. They have two large dogs that are poorly trained and hard on my carpet. They are also both rather sloppy and I worry that they are just trashing my basement. I am pretty sure that once they move out I will need to paint the basement and replace the carpet before I can sell the house, so ultimately they aren't saving me any money.
A few weeks ago Nina got a job offer for her dream job with the state conservation department of natural recourses doing forestry management. She will have to move away....about an hour from here. At first they told me Monster would likely move with her but just not right away. The kids smoke a lot of pot and she actually used fake urine to pass her drug screening. This upset me a bit.
Then I found out they were not getting along. She thinks he is lazy and immature. He thinks she is judgy and too over the top with the whole clean eating/living thing. For example she refuses to heat or store food in anything plastic (using all my good cookware all the time) and she nags him when ever he tries to do it.
THEN shit hit the fan!
Monday I came home to an upset Monster to find out she had cheated on him and broke up with him!! Needless to say the house has been tense. He asked her to stay with friends until it was time to move (one week) and she refused. So she is staying here. He is doing his best not to talk to her. She tried to tell me her side of the story the other day and I just told her I didn't want to be involved.
Seriously I have nothing to say to her. I think they are both young and stupid and feel sorry for them at the same time feel annoyed at it all. I hope she moves and things mellow out and we can all have some peace.
I will be glad to get her dog out of my house. I love pets but hate when people needlessly let them tear up the house. Since the kids moved in I have had 2 poops and 1 pee on my bedroom carpet and one poop in the guest room. So GROSS! All they have to do is keep them downstairs yet they let them upstairs every time I'm not looking. So frustrating.
Oh and her parents dropped in last weekend unexpectedly. This was before I knew the kids were breaking up. I hosted them like proper guests and spent a lot of time doing the obligatory nice chit chatting and offering them food and drink. They spent the night in the guest room, etc. If I had known the kids had broken up I would have just asked Monster to go hang out and left them here to do their own thing. It was exhausting and unnecessary. Ugh
Monday, September 19, 2016
Work
I have two hours of free time before I have to get ready to go to my BodyPump class at the gym. I will then go straight into work at the Construction company for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I have to report to the Bus Depot to continue training my replacement. I started training him last week and plan to train him the rest of this week and then I will hopefully be done with that place.
I am actually sitting here feeling stressed because I have no free time this week and I have some things I really need to do this week besides work. How the hell did I manage to get it ALL done when I had a full time job? I guess I did have the luxury of doing personal stuff at work when I was salaried.....AND I made good money! I had a really good deal there and I regret quitting, but at the time I was 99% certain they were not going to make it. I made the best decision I could at the time. No sense fretting about it now.
I am still working part time at the Construction company but they will have to get me off their insurance come December. Not sure what I will do about insurance. I am pretty sure I can't afford to go buy it on my own. I suspect I will be one of those people that has no insurance and just hopes nothing major happens to me. It frustrates me that insurance has turned into such a nightmare.
I officially quit my job at the Bus Depot a few months ago but agreed to stick around and keep the major accounting functions under control until they could find a replacement. So I have been going in two days a week and balancing cash and paying bills. I really don't mind doing those things for them and I can use the paycheck.
I'm not sure if I ever blogged about the job at the Bus Depot or not. An old friend of mine, we will call him Todd, owns a motor coach company and he needed an accountant. I agreed to work for him part time doing basic book keeping for relatively low pay which was fine because I wanted a low stress job that would allow me tons of flexibility to spend more time with my kids. The day I started he told me they were in the midst of a Federal Payroll Audit and owed the government about $90k in unpaid withholding taxes. Yikes! Then I found out they had not paid their property taxes for 2015 ($50k). Then I found out they were trying to renegotiate a large note with the bank but still couldn't afford to make any payments. All of these things were making me work lots of crazy hours and deal with lots of stress. Not what I signed up for at all. I thought it was going to be a simple book keeping job and they certainly aren't paying me enough for the grief I was enduring, not to mention the fact that they have VERY serous cash flow issues and I am just sick of playing that game.
..........AND as if that wasn't enough, Todd's brother is the office manager and the man is truly a psychotic freak. He thinks everyone is out to screw him over, he has a terrible temper, he has no management skills or idea how to properly run an office. He seems to think getting angry at people is the way to fix problems. He refused to give anyone decision making power because he doesn't trust anyone so no one ever has the power to really fix anything anyway. I am pretty sure he wants to fire some of the key employees because the man is too messed up to even recognizes what these people actually do for the company. Seriously the guy just reeks havoc on the place every day and Todd doesn't have the guts to fire him since he is his brother and started the company with him some 20 years ago. I often marvel that the place hasn't imploded yet.
The new guy I am training is starting to figure out what he has gotten himself in to and I am sure he is having second thoughts. No one ever stays employed there for long. They either get fired or if they are smart, they quit. I could type for hours telling you crazy stories about the place.
I have another potential part time job that will hopefully work out well. This company is definitely profitable. In fact the owner complains that he has too much excess cash. His name is Dan and he is one of my neighbors. He started a string of sandwich stores and sells franchise. He already has a good book keeper but needs a part time person like me to do some high level analysis and reporting. I think it could work out to be a really good deal. We will see. No harm in giving it a try since no other great job is falling in my lap.
I am actually sitting here feeling stressed because I have no free time this week and I have some things I really need to do this week besides work. How the hell did I manage to get it ALL done when I had a full time job? I guess I did have the luxury of doing personal stuff at work when I was salaried.....AND I made good money! I had a really good deal there and I regret quitting, but at the time I was 99% certain they were not going to make it. I made the best decision I could at the time. No sense fretting about it now.
I am still working part time at the Construction company but they will have to get me off their insurance come December. Not sure what I will do about insurance. I am pretty sure I can't afford to go buy it on my own. I suspect I will be one of those people that has no insurance and just hopes nothing major happens to me. It frustrates me that insurance has turned into such a nightmare.
I officially quit my job at the Bus Depot a few months ago but agreed to stick around and keep the major accounting functions under control until they could find a replacement. So I have been going in two days a week and balancing cash and paying bills. I really don't mind doing those things for them and I can use the paycheck.
I'm not sure if I ever blogged about the job at the Bus Depot or not. An old friend of mine, we will call him Todd, owns a motor coach company and he needed an accountant. I agreed to work for him part time doing basic book keeping for relatively low pay which was fine because I wanted a low stress job that would allow me tons of flexibility to spend more time with my kids. The day I started he told me they were in the midst of a Federal Payroll Audit and owed the government about $90k in unpaid withholding taxes. Yikes! Then I found out they had not paid their property taxes for 2015 ($50k). Then I found out they were trying to renegotiate a large note with the bank but still couldn't afford to make any payments. All of these things were making me work lots of crazy hours and deal with lots of stress. Not what I signed up for at all. I thought it was going to be a simple book keeping job and they certainly aren't paying me enough for the grief I was enduring, not to mention the fact that they have VERY serous cash flow issues and I am just sick of playing that game.
..........AND as if that wasn't enough, Todd's brother is the office manager and the man is truly a psychotic freak. He thinks everyone is out to screw him over, he has a terrible temper, he has no management skills or idea how to properly run an office. He seems to think getting angry at people is the way to fix problems. He refused to give anyone decision making power because he doesn't trust anyone so no one ever has the power to really fix anything anyway. I am pretty sure he wants to fire some of the key employees because the man is too messed up to even recognizes what these people actually do for the company. Seriously the guy just reeks havoc on the place every day and Todd doesn't have the guts to fire him since he is his brother and started the company with him some 20 years ago. I often marvel that the place hasn't imploded yet.
The new guy I am training is starting to figure out what he has gotten himself in to and I am sure he is having second thoughts. No one ever stays employed there for long. They either get fired or if they are smart, they quit. I could type for hours telling you crazy stories about the place.
I have another potential part time job that will hopefully work out well. This company is definitely profitable. In fact the owner complains that he has too much excess cash. His name is Dan and he is one of my neighbors. He started a string of sandwich stores and sells franchise. He already has a good book keeper but needs a part time person like me to do some high level analysis and reporting. I think it could work out to be a really good deal. We will see. No harm in giving it a try since no other great job is falling in my lap.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Moods
Last night I came home from work and all I wanted to do was a take a quick power nap. I walked into my bedroom and immediately thought I smelled something funny. My dog was acting guilty so I took a hard look at the carpet and sure enough I found a pee spot. Now my dog skulked off but I am 99.9% sure it was not her. She NEVER pees in the house and obviously knows it is not a good thing and mom will be pissed off. I am sure she knew I would be mad and was getting the heck out of the way. Meanwhile Olive stood there looking oblivious (her nickname is Doofus) having no idea what was going on and just wanting some attention.
I don't think Olive did it either. I don't think my dogs would pee right in the middle of the bedroom where they sleep and we sleep most nights. Dog's don't go in their den. If one of them had done it I think it would have been by the door or at the base of the steps....out of the area we live in.
A few weeks ago I came home to find that both the downstairs dogs had pooped in my bedroom. I had been staying at JDKs house so my dogs weren't even here. The kids were upstairs in the kitchen and their dogs wondered off to a distance room to relieve themselves. I was obviously unhappy but the poo was hard and easy enough to clean up. Anyway, the pee was right were one of them had crapped a few weeks ago so I am fairly certain it was one of the other dogs.
This pee cold and stale and really stinky. It took me a long time to clean it up. It had obviously been there all day.
While I was letting my dogs out I went to water the little tree I had planted this spring and there is no denying that it has died. The needles are falling off. I didn't water enough last month when the weather seemed so wet but we didn't have enough rain for the poor thing to make it. I am VERY sad that I killed the tree. I am surely more upset than I should be. I just can't shake feeling guilty for not watering it more. I'm a tree murderer.
I never got my nap.....kept getting interrupted. The whole evening I was just feeling sad, depressed, negative. I was being pulled in all directions by my family and really just wanted to sit alone and read my tablet.
When we went to bed at 9 I realized I was just so exhausted and that was probably the main reason I was feeling so moody. I slept like a rock.
This morning I came home to find that Monster had FINALLY gotten rid of his broken-down car. It had been littering my driveway with two flat tires and expired plates for months. I was worried the home owners association was going to send me a nasty letter. Anyway, I am now giddy with joy!!
I also had a really nice run this morning with my newer friend Eileen.
So now, I am feeling pretty good.
The moral of the story is I probably need to get more sleep and I need to recognize that my moods are very effected by my level of exaustian.
I don't think Olive did it either. I don't think my dogs would pee right in the middle of the bedroom where they sleep and we sleep most nights. Dog's don't go in their den. If one of them had done it I think it would have been by the door or at the base of the steps....out of the area we live in.
A few weeks ago I came home to find that both the downstairs dogs had pooped in my bedroom. I had been staying at JDKs house so my dogs weren't even here. The kids were upstairs in the kitchen and their dogs wondered off to a distance room to relieve themselves. I was obviously unhappy but the poo was hard and easy enough to clean up. Anyway, the pee was right were one of them had crapped a few weeks ago so I am fairly certain it was one of the other dogs.
This pee cold and stale and really stinky. It took me a long time to clean it up. It had obviously been there all day.
While I was letting my dogs out I went to water the little tree I had planted this spring and there is no denying that it has died. The needles are falling off. I didn't water enough last month when the weather seemed so wet but we didn't have enough rain for the poor thing to make it. I am VERY sad that I killed the tree. I am surely more upset than I should be. I just can't shake feeling guilty for not watering it more. I'm a tree murderer.
I never got my nap.....kept getting interrupted. The whole evening I was just feeling sad, depressed, negative. I was being pulled in all directions by my family and really just wanted to sit alone and read my tablet.
When we went to bed at 9 I realized I was just so exhausted and that was probably the main reason I was feeling so moody. I slept like a rock.
This morning I came home to find that Monster had FINALLY gotten rid of his broken-down car. It had been littering my driveway with two flat tires and expired plates for months. I was worried the home owners association was going to send me a nasty letter. Anyway, I am now giddy with joy!!
I also had a really nice run this morning with my newer friend Eileen.
So now, I am feeling pretty good.
The moral of the story is I probably need to get more sleep and I need to recognize that my moods are very effected by my level of exaustian.
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