Good Weekend

Last week JDK decided he wanted to move his workbench over here from his old house.  He finally feels the urge to get organized down in his "man room" and dare I say, settle in.  Finally!

YEAH

I know.  He just needed to do it in his own time.  I get that now.  

I made some calls and got a friend with a trailer to come help him.  He was so excited to get it here that he rescheduled a meeting at work so he could sneak out at lunch time and get the 12 foot workbench moved.

Last Wednesday night as we were loading stuff into the bench and talking about where to store things he mentioned how it would have been nice to seal the garage floor before we loaded it full of stuff.  I agreed it was a GREAT idea and offered to help if he still wanted to do it....maybe this weekend.  You know, before we had even more of his stuff here and in the way.  He said he would think about it.

Thursday while I was at class he got his trainer and his stereo and set up a place to ride his bike in the garage.   A place where he will spend hours sweating on the floor all winter long.  Suddenly the floor sealing seemed even more important to me.  I remember how sweat will actually stain the floor.
I gently asked again if we could seal the floor but by now he was not feeling up to it.  (probably because he just added even MORE stuff to move. grrrr)

Saturday morning I decided to ask one last time, still thinking about all the sweat.  He said no.  So I just put it out of my mind and went for a run.

When I got home he left on his bike and a few hours later (around 11 am) he texted me to start unloading the garage...he had changed his mind.  By now I was over the idea so I figured I would just tell him when he got home that it was fine and not worry about it.  I assumed he was just trying to be nice to me and I wasn't about to push him into such a big project if he didn't REALLY want to do it.  I know better.

Anyhow, he got home, was genuinely interested in doing it so we spent the balance of the day emptying the garage,  purchasing the supplies and prepping the floor.  It has to be spotless for the floor to turn out really good.  So we scraped, mopped and mopped some more.

When we went to purchase supplies I assumed he would expect me to pay but much to my surprise he pushed me out of the way at the check out and declared "I got it!".

 NICE!!!

We worked on this project together and it was actually quit pleasant.  Historically he gets grumpy and is NO FUN to be around...preferring to work independently  One of the things I always felt bad about when we were married was the fact that we rarely did projects together.  To me that is part of being a couple; you know, working together.

Sunday we spread the coating and other than one very minor incident everything went well, he was kind and fun to be with.  Our relationship felt happy, healthy and normal!!

Monday he even went and purchased a new toolbox!

arranging his tools in the new fancy tool box

No More Class

Last week I had to get a sitter so I could go to my class.  I left Beanie at her friends house and promised to pick her up by 8:15 so the girls could get to bed on time on a school night.

When I got to class there was the "all group" meeting beforehand where we listened to a very beautiful young girl tell us all how she got pregnant as a teen and was full of shame.  She however did marry the father and they are still together and best I could see it worked out pretty good for her.  Her husband was there, handsome and supportive.  Anyway....her story didn't resonate with me.

Around 7 p.m. we went to our individual classes where we spent the next full hour talking about how our week went.  We got started on the homework at 8:10 which is when I had to leave.    I was frustrated because I thought it was a good chapter and I wanted to dig into it.  

This last week I read the homework but never had time to really sit down and write it up.  I had planned on doing it Wednesday after I got done with my daily sandwich shop work but instead got handed a last minute project.  Also frustrating.

I got there a few minutes late on purpose.  I really don't care if I participate in the large group part at the beginning.  When I arrived I sneaked in to find all the chairs full so I went and stood by a girl in my class.  The little young girl with way too many tattoos.  She bristled at my presence...she's not a people person.  The room was watching a 13 minute video of a preacher who was very exuberantly making metaphors about lives being like a seed in the dirt.  Honestly, I found his TV evangelist style rather disturbing.

After that we went to our rooms where the instructor said we would take off where we left last week and discuss shame because it is such an important topic.  Yeah!!  I didn't miss much.

We did some chatting as a group and then she asked questions from the book and we went around the room and read what we wrote.  Which sounds like it should be fine, but it didn't work out that way for me.

a) It is so obvious that she has about 4 "go-to" phrases she likes to dish out.  "Thanks for sharing....I know that was hard for you",  "I pray for each of you every single day", etc.  Basically, she is trying really hard to offer affirmation and encourage people to share their feelings.  That's it.  Which is probably great for some people, but it really doesn't get me anywhere.  I really don't believe she has any insight to offer me.  Hell even the trained therapist didn't help me why did I think a church lady would.
b) Listening to others share should offer insight and help you feel less "alone" in your struggles.  Instead I just feel that i don't want to hear about their issues...it hurts my gut.  I feel damned if i care and damned if I don't.   Not like I can help them.  I'm not allowed to offer any advise or comment.
c) When we got to me she actually told me that I didn't have to try to be so entertaining.  WTF?  I wasn't trying to be entertaining at all.  I was telling  my story.  Then I tried to explain how I used to think my father was my "bad" parent and lately i feel it is my mom.  She cut me off when I tried to bring up my mom.  She wanted to discuss my dad.  I'm really way past that.  Been dealing with it my whole life.  I just don't care anymore.  It doesn't bother me anymore.  She wouldn't believe that.
d) she wanted me to share my feelings and at this point i don't really have any to share.  The only thing i could say is it breaks my heart to watch my kids suffer because I wasn't a good parent to them...even though i tried so hard to not make the mistakes my parents did I still managed to instill in them all the shitty self doubt and ineffective relationship skills I have.  The cycle is so hard to stop.

It's just too complicated to get any traction in the 10-15 minutes I get to speak in the class.  It's a waste of time.  I am always stressing because I don't have enough time so why am I dedicating 3 or more hours a week to this.  I can read the book and do the exercises on my own and put Thursday night to a better use.

There....I quit and I am thrilled to have that off my schedule.

e) oh and there was talk about confiding in friends.  I don't have anyone like that.  I just don't.  Somehow that didnt' go over well.
f) and one lady in the class (who is really odd) somehow thought I called her a narcissist.  Which i didn't and what ever i said that made her think that probably came out all wrong and that is my point.  I can't open my mouth without fucking things up.  So i should keep it shut.   YET....EVERYONE says the answer to shame is to share!!!

FUCK IT ALL

Ill just ride my bike.

Unit 3 - Release from Shame

Day 1: Growing up in a Shame Factory

      Shame may be transmitted indirectly:

• If a parent feels bad about life the child will think that is how you are supposed to feel.
• A child may feel that it is their fault that their parent is emotionally unhealthy.
• Enmeshment can happen when a person depends on another feelings.
• A family secret can cause fear of shame for the whole family.
• Abuse creates shame.  A child can feel responsible or deserving of the abuse.
• No opportunity to resolve traumatic events creates shame.  No-talk rule.
• A failure to validate needs and feelings.  A child is taught that having normal needs and feeling is not OK.

     Shame may be transmitted directly:

• Direct comments that are negative "You can't do anything right!"
• School may label a child too smart, too dumb, too different.
• Church can create unhealthy levels of guilt.

1. Did your FOO transmit shame to you?  YES
2. Was it directly or indirectly?  BOTH
3. Which of the above did you experience as a child?   Ugh...I guess all of them except the family secret. 
4. Can you recall specific events or stories about your family shame?   My mother was always depressed and negative so she modeled that behavior.  I am sure we either learned it from her or maybe it is hereditary.  My father was moody and we felt it was our job to keep him happy.  This is probably a form of enmeshment and  feeling responsible for the emotionally unhealthy adult.  I was always expected to anticipate his mood / needs.   We had the no-talk rule.  When my father left it was never discussed.  In our family kids were not aloud to have needs or feelings.   My mother told us her life would be better without us.  I always felt different at school and didn't fit in....but didn't everyone?

Day 2: Building a Shame-based Identity

• Shame says "Hide Yourself"   -   A shame-based identity means you want to hide who you are.  You feel that if people knew the real you, they would reject you.  You feel vulnerable , exposed, emotionally naked, like people can tell you are not "OK".
• Feelings and Events trigger Shame - the same shame you had as a child
• Shame sends messages - "you don't have the right to ask for what you need"  "you don't deserve good things."  "You aren't lovable."  "You are not happy enough, good enough, capable enough."

1. How is your identity shame-based?    I never feel that being completely open and honest is safe.  I assume people will NOT like me.  I am not comfortable with who I am.  In some ways i don't like myself.  I fear rejection too strongly and take other peoples criticism too seriously.  I let people that I care about opinion's of me crush me emotionally.

Day 3: Living in Shame

• A shame based identity may compel you to work very hard to be "better".  You may be very successful yet a sense of personal self acceptance is always just beyond your reach.
• Shame teaches you to be embarrassed about having needs or hurting.  Shame teaches you to feel ashamed of your very presence.
• Shame is a barrier to intimacy.  Shame compels you to not feel good about being exposed and known for the REAL you.
• Shame promotes an acceptance of inferior relationships.....will tolerate a higher level of inappropriate behavior.
• Shame based individual are usually codependent.  They look to others for validation.  They feel others deserve to have their needs met before their own.
• Your shame is the accumulation of the shame you have created and the shame that your parents gave you.  It is a heavy load.

1. Do you try to erase your shame through your behavior?  Yes, I try very hard to make others happy and to be the perfect mother, employee, friend, etc.
2. How successful are your efforts?  It doesn't work.  I tend to feel used, under appreciated, tired...left out, alone.
3. Do you apologize for hurting?  No...but I do feel guilty about it.
4. Do you feel shame about getting close to other people?  I usually harbor great fear about truly being honest and open with others.  I am very measured in what I say and do around others.  I have been told in the past when I was open and honest I was offensive and people did not like me.
5. Do you see evidence of codependency in your life? Absolutely.  If others are upset with me it crushes me.
6. Have you added your own shameful behavior to that shame of your FOO?  I have a kid in prison for murder.  I have enough shame for 10 people!

Day 4: Running from Shame

• Refuse to feel anything.  Push all feelings away or mask shame with other feelings such as anger.
• Acting Shameless - Act like nothing bothers you even when it does.  May partake in risky behavior to show you don't care.
• Cover you shame by becoming a stern-faced moralist.  Too strict with rules, etc.
• Transferring your shame to others.  You may be angry at others when you are really ashamed of yourself.  (when your abuser is angry at you)
• Compulsive behavior can make shame go away for a while.  The shame however returns and if the compulsive behavior was something to feel guilty about (got drunk) you will also feel that guilt.

1. Do you hold back a wide range of feelings to cover your shame?  Do you allow one or two emotions to replace all others?  Yes.  I suppose I exhibit anger or get depressed when there are other emotions / shame at work.  I don't know how to navigate my emotions like a healthy adult does.
2. Do you ignore moral guidelines to create a feeling that you have no shame?  I guess so.  I justified my relationship with Kevin and it was wrong.
3. Do you project shame onto others?  I now see that I do but I don't mean to and I don't want to.  I don't do this consciously but I suppose I have transferred shame to my kids.
4. Do you engage in compulsive behaviors to cover your shame?  Rocco once told me that I have two speeds; 100% and zero.  I believe keeping busy and "working" hard is how I try to hide my shame.  I WILL BE ENOUGH!

Day 5: Defeating Shame

• Talking about shame begins the healing process.
• Recognizing that you are often taking on shame that is not yours.  Don't feel shame for other people.  If it is not your shame, don't accept it.
• Unload your shame by giving it to God.  (hey it's what the book says)

1. What are you going to do with your shame?   IDK!!!

Class # 2 recap

When we arrived we were all ushered into a large "party" room.  There was a DJ area (you know, separated by a half wall) and music playing.  There were bar height tables scattered along the wall and the middle of the room was crammed full with regular tables.  The walls were black and the tables bright colors.  There were two large video screens showing a slide show.

Along one wall was a buffet table with fruit, snacks and coffee.  People were piling in and I didn't know anyone so I balked at going in.  The lady by the door ushered me in, telling me to find a chair.

Once in I recognized a girl from my class, the one who said her birthday was next week.  I saw the empty chair next to her and rushed to get it.  The place was filling up.  I sat down and said hello and then asked her when her birthday was.  She said it was Tuesday!!  ME TOO!!  I told her we had the same birthday.  Cool!  Another girl from our class joined us and we had a nice little visit.

Eventually my friend from work that I saw last week stepped up to the podium and called the meeting to order.  He gave a nice little talk and then headed up a prayer.  We then broke into our classrooms.

In the room we all said hi to a new girl and then we got to work going through the book.  This week we took it in order and went around the room trying to identify our compulsions.  The leader of the group is a rather large lady and she confess her compulsion was food.  The girl next to me, the teacher, said her compulsion was self indulgent activities that made her feel relaxed and diverted.  She loves to play pool.  She is an interesting character.  In a way she reminds me of JDK.  She says her husband is tired of her retreating to entertain herself and not showing up and being interactive with the family.   Interesting...........

This week was not nearly as depressing or draining as last week was.

And, thankfully the God stuff wasn't a huge deal.  I still don't understand those last few assignments but we didn't really talk about that much.

Our homework was to go home and try to be aware of our compulsions and make time to feel our feelings and connect with ourselves.