Learn from Your Mistakes

Last night I spent about an hour with JDK at his house (my old house). There was a rather glaringly odd normalcy about it all. Like he was just a normal person and not some hugely selfish, passive aggressive asshole. He fixed my bike and he was quit nice.  Very NORMAL.  Did I mention how "regular guy" he was?

Of course that gets my thoughts to churning......Maybe he is just a normal guy and the dynamics of OUR relationship were just really effed up for a number of reasons.  MAYBE....he doesn't treat her the way he treated me at all.  MAYBE he could of been a fine mate had we ever been able to change that dynamic that we were entrenched in from very early on?  Maybe he really has learned to treat people better?

(note to self: talk to Lauren about how he treated his first wife.  Ask her if she thinks he treated her different than he treated me.)

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking.........Where did I go wrong? Where is the lesson? What should I learn from all this? How could I have been smarter? Why does the whole situation continue to sit and fester in my soul? 

When I was dating JDK it all seemed fine at first, dare I say even wonderful, but that quickly faded away (like one month) due to some odd behavior on his part.  I know now, that it was because of the other woman. At the time I only knew that I sensed something was off.  I asked him about it and he brushed it off with some logical excuse.  I bought the excuse and proceeded on in the relationship even though I certainly knew it wasn't quite right.

Months passed quickly and we continued to see each other.  In the long run I believe both of us stuck around due to lack of other options not because we were all that enamored with each other.  I KNOW I thought to myself "well I can sit home alone or hang out with him and I don't really want to be home alone."

LESSON >>> Looking back I put up with less than ideal treatment from him because I just didn't want to be alone.  At the time I felt dating him was harmless distraction but it was really setting a precedence of how low he could go and I would put up with it.

Later when I found out I was pregnant, he was not AT ALL on board with me keeping the baby.  At that point I wanted one thing and he wanted another.  I continued to put up with crap from him for the baby's sake. I should have had better boundaries.  I should have put his negative presence out of my life.

LESSON >>> we were at odds and I kept "trying" to make it work.  I should have just realized that we had opposing goals and could not be on the same team!

Being flexible and "spackling" are things I learned from my parents so I could get along in an abusive (or at least dysfunctional) relationship and it actually served me well as a kid where I had no choice but to hang in there because, hey, you can't just go out and get a different set of parents.  But in the long run it taught me to accept things that aren't healthy for me.  Most "healthy" people would have chosen to stay home alone over hanging out with a guy who was acting rather jenky.  Most normal people would have said "hey asshole...if you aren't on board with me having this baby than you can just go piss-off"

Standing up for what I believe in and having faith in my own judgment is an ongoing project for me.  Asking for what I need in life can really be a challenge for me; hell I frequently don't even know I am supposed to much less how to.  I am starting to realize how being agreeable and getting along have set me up for failure because I am not sticking to my own core beliefs or meeting my own needs which in the long run it is setting me up for failure because in the end I won't be "OK" with the outcome even though I am the one who kept walking down the wrong road.

Does that make sense?

Sometimes I think I confuse betraying myself with being agreeable and getting along.  Sometimes I confuse being selfish with being true to yourself.  You can be true to yourself without being selfish.  You can stick up for what you believe in without being a self centered jerk.  I think I struggle with these concepts.

LONG Talk

Beanie's father has one real friend in the world.  Her name is Lauren.  At some point, in the past few months, he told me he was going to talk to her about his feeling for me, our marriage and our divorce.  He generally doesn't confide in people but I am sure if he were to reveal anything to anyone it would be to her.

I told him I too had considered talking to Lauren about things.  (She is a very warm and understanding woman who is not on anyone's side.  She does volunteer work at a crisis hotline in her spare time.)   He encouraged me to do so.   She knows JDK better than anyone besides me and I thought she may offer me some insight as to how he has changed or if he has changed, etc.

Well, after this last "round" of me being so flipping upset by the man I decided to actually make that appointment to talk to Lauren. 

so.....last night Beanie was with her dad and Kevin was out of town for work and I called Lauren.  We talked for 3 hours!

It was good.

Overall she was obviously trying to be impartial, be a good listener and offer broad advise like she would to any friend.  She didn't tell me anything that he had told her (not that I expected her to).  In fact she said over and over "I really don't know much of what is going on with you two.  You know JDK, he doesn't share".  (which is totally true)

However, she did tell me a few things I found interesting:

1) She told me that she really feels that Beanie is well adjusted and doing just find despite the divorce.  This was good to hear.  Frankly I agree.  She seems pretty happy and normal.

2) She thinks either we are just toxic to each another; or (as he says) we just got off to a bad start and never got past it but if that problem were solved we could actually have a solid relationship.  She advised that the only way to know which it is, is to start dating each other!  (funny he had the same idea....coincidence or not?) 

3) She told me that right after his first wife, Nikki, left him he told Lauren that it was really a tragedy because he was just starting to really love her!

This last one really got me to thinking.  You see, he had dated Nikki off and on all through college.  I am sure it was a bit rocky at times.  Later he chose to marry her unlike how he didn't "choose" me.  He told me that he married her because she stuck with him for so long.  I got the idea he valued her loyalty and devotion to him.  The fact that he said he was just starting to really love her after all those years and a big giant formal wedding is just crazy.

I really believe there is something wrong with him and he can't really possibly LOVE anyone.  It is just not in his mind or heart to really give of himself the way a person in love does or to let another person into his heart like he would if he loved them.

My point is......I don't know what LOVE means to him but I am pretty sure it is not the same as what it means to me.  And that is a very important thing to understand / know.

He still tells me he loves me all the time and it bothers me until I think "oh, he means thank you for being cooperative" or what ever the situation is that day.

Totally Trggered

Typing this out on the fly so my editing etc. will no doubt suck.  Plus I am not sure what I will accomplish other than to sound like a nut job.

This week my daughter doesn't have school.  Since I am now working part time and have the luxury of making my own hours I told JDK (x#2) that I would keep Beanie Monday thru Wednesday since he probably has to work.  (I don't know if he really has to work since he is such a lying fucktard.)

I did this with the hopes of making everyone happy and enjoying a stress free week of the kid being off school and me reaping the benefits of making less money than I need to live off of so I can be a better parent and not be so rushed and spread too thin.

This morning was great.  We took our time and basically wandered by the barn (office at the nursery) when we got around to it...about 10 am.    We only stayed a few hours and my daughter was super good playing with her IPad the whole time.

When I left I call JDK to make arrangements to pass the girl off since Monday nights he keeps her.  He didn't answer.  He later phoned me and acted like I had changed things up on him and he was under the impression I had planned on keeping her Monday thru Wednesday nights and all.  (BTW he has not seen her since Saturday morning and evidently was happy to not see her again until Wednesday afternoon - asshole.)

I told him that it didn't really matter to me...... that it was up to him.  He said he missed her and would be happy to get her yet he "sounded" put out.  I got off the phone and thought to myself "why aggravate myself?" and texted him back and told him I would be happy to keep her and it would be so much easier than him picking her up on the way home only to have to drop her off again in the morning.   Via text he insisted he missed her and was happy to get her.   We left it at that.  I assumed he was coming.

Well we waited and waited and he didn't show up and then we called.  He was at home.  He didn't think I wanted him to get her.  The kid was waiting and begged him to come.  He said he would be right over.  We waited some more and he finally showed up and took her away and gave me the fuck you vibe the whole time.

I just felt walked all over.  The same old shit where he "acts" all agreeable yet somehow manages to torture me mentally.  With a smile on his face and comments like "I want us all to be happy and get along" yet somehow it feels like he is just fucking with me.  He doesn't want me to be happy he wants me to leave him alone so he will be happy.

After they left I just sat and cried and then my text message lit up and it was (of all people) X#1...........Ramone and Monster's dad.  He got more bills from student loans on the boy and is freaking out.  He wants me to solve his problems.  He wants me to be the adult so he doesn't have to.  He fucking infuriates me still to this day.

On top of that, Ramone has no phone and has not had one for a month.  Last night she posted on Facebook how hard life is and how she is happy to be out of touch by not having a phone.  I am realy worried about her but not sure what to do.  She is 19 and I think this is all about her *boyfriend* who is a total loser and a jerk. 

Meanwhile Monster's car is dead and he is walking to work.  I can't afford to buy him a car and I feel bad that he has no transportation.  He's a good kid but I can't keep taking care of everyone all the time.

Oh.......and Friss, well he is awesome but he really wants one of us to come visit him.  I want to go....I want to be there for him.  Maybe Friday....I don't think anything is gong on Friday.

At work today I paid the state sales tax late.  It costs our company over $200 in late fees.  I was only 4 days late.  It was due on the 20th but I thought I had until month end.  I feel just sick about it.  We can't afford to piss away $200!

Kevin is awesome and I am heading to his house next.  He knows I am all messed up and wants me to come and talk.  I know I will feel better after I do but part of me feels too "messed up" to even go over there.  I want to hide and feel dysfunctional where no one can see me.

JDK (x#2) told me recently he is admittedly angry and depressed that Kevin and I are planning to move in together at the end of March when my lease is up.  I didn't discuss it with him, I just got a text from him.  I am sure he is just jealous that his daughter loves a man besides himself.  After all, all the love and attention should be directed at him.......right?

I wish he didn't press my buttons so much.  I still feel really fucking angry that he is acting like a victim.   He started all this shit by not wanting to be my husband even though he willingly married me.  He is the one that had to play the "you're are not the boss of me" game for our whole relationship.  I know one day he won't have the power to dissolve me like this but at this point he still does.  In fact that is probably part of why I am upset.  I really don't want him to have any power over my feelings yet he still does.  I know he is just a POS that I shouldn't have any feeling about or for.

At the end of the day I just want to feel good about the people in my life and my relationships with those around me.   It's not a lot to ask.......is it?

But right now I just want to run the fuck away from everyone!!!!!

It's True

I told a friend this the other day and just decided to add it to the blog:

"My ex husband was a nice guy, but I could not live with him......my current husband is NOT a nice guy, but I CAN live with him."

See how that works!?!?!


I also tell people all the time...."if you are going to get divorced, it is really a good thing to be divorcing a nice person".     Ex husband has been a joy to work with and mostly easy to get along with.  

BUT - I am truly scared to ever REALLY piss of my current husband.  I think he would do his best to ruin me!