I just didn't feel like blogging.... so I didn't.
Life has been pretty shitty and ultimately I created this mess and at some point the last thing you feel like doing is sharing how fucked up your life has become.
This morning I am just waiting for Beanie to wake up. I was sitting at the computer messing around in email and suddenly felt the urge to type a post. So here I am.
I will try and catch you all up a bit....but I sure don't want to type up big stupid paragraphs...so you get this:
I got a job and start work on December 28th.
I still have to help the Construction company out too....I am going to be extremely busy.
Kevin is sleeping in the basement and we pretty much try to stay out of each others way.
I wish he would get his stuff out of my bedroom and put it in his downstairs, but when I asked him to a large fight ensued. I am sick of fighting.
I ,may buy him out of the house so I don't have to move....but this is more house than I need or want.
JDK just got back from a week in Florida with his girlfriend.
I loved having my daughter full time for the past week.
I felt chumpy to the x though....who now has the option to vacation for a week without kid because of me. When married we didn't have a babysitter we could use for more than 2 days.
I was never board or lacked for things to do when not working. In fact, I still have a huge list of things I want to do before I start my new job but obviously I am about out of time. This is why mom's used to stay at home....it is a full time job.
Friss hates the new camp where he is at and we are working to get him transferred again.
Ramone's pit-bull Tifa (belonged to her dead boyfriend) is having puppies right now as we speak.
Monster's girlfriend just graduated from college. She has a degree in forestry (sigh)....still she graduated!
Going to see my brother for Christmas. I guess my family is mostly just me and him these days.
What I am grateful for:
1) That I am not living check to check. That I probably can buy him out.....I have some money saved up.
2) That I have had more time with my kids this last year. They truly are what matters most to me.
3) That the Construction company kept me on their insurance and has continued to help me out through all this.
4) That I get to talk to Friss so much. He has been the brightest spot of the year.
5) That I basically got a year off work and will not show a gap in my employment!
6) My brother Bill has been very kind these last few months when I needed a place to escape to.
7) Everyone is basically healthy.
What upsets me lately:
1) I had a year off work and I didn't properly enjoy it. Instead it was filled with sorrow and pain.
2) Once I start the new job I won't be able to take off work for my kids for at least the first 6 months. During this time I will have to rely on JDK and his girlfriend to cover sick days and school days off. I don't like that one bit.
3) Child support fight is back on!
4) Kevin and I aren't in a relationship anymore but I don't feel free to do as I want since he is here in the house and willing to fight with me if I do anything to hack him off. I hope to get this figured out after the holidays. I feel so trapped.
5) I know that JDK is a big fat liar, but my daughter worships him. I know she will learn in time but for the next few years I get to watch him lie to her and her buy his lies. (For example...he missed her winter school concert while on vacation. He told her it was a business trip and he HAD to go. 1/2 truth! First two days of week long trip was a business thing. He missed her concert while on the vacation portion of the trip.)
In hind sight, I think the hardest thing to stomach is that I didn't know Kevin at all. That the real Kevin is not a person I like even a little bit. He put on a good front for a long time. I feel like a fool though.....like I should have figured it out sooner....before I got in so deep.
And the pain of knowing that JDK was so intentionally not participating in our marriage is going to take a long time to wear off. The fact that he tries so hard to connect to me now really just makes it worse. I have tried to go no contact but I am not strong enough. I do try to remember that all words he says mean nothing and that he is a shitty person who would cheat on even the new girlfriend who he seems to like more than any other women he has ever known.
OHHHHH and one other thing to bitch about!!!!
My old blog, the family one, well I can't get into it anymore!! Such a bad deal.
Since Google bought out blogger you have to have a Google log-in to get to blogger. So I spent a whole day trying to get it to work and it wont. They said they would send me an email of how to recover it but the email never came. This really sucks. There is a huge part of my life in that blog! And some things I don't think I want my daughter to read. UGH
Friday, December 18, 2015
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
How to Help a Friend Who is Down
When you have a friend that is down and struggling
......a friend who is in pain because life has dealt him/her a serious of hard blows.
When you watch them crumble and grasp for air.
Get really mad at them and tell them they are wrong and should do better.
In fact threaten to leave them if they don't get it together immediately.
You know because telling a person they suck is going to really turn it all around!
......a friend who is in pain because life has dealt him/her a serious of hard blows.
When you watch them crumble and grasp for air.
Get really mad at them and tell them they are wrong and should do better.
In fact threaten to leave them if they don't get it together immediately.
You know because telling a person they suck is going to really turn it all around!
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Friss Moved Much Farther Away
Friss had requested a transfer in the hopes of ending up at a closer / nicer camp (that's what they call the correctional facility.)
The first place they moved him to was awesome and he was so excited. Then after only two days the quit calling.
I was worried sick and after I didn't hear from him all weekend and the following Monday I actually phoned the facility and ask about him. A nice lady (I was surprised at how willingly helpful she was) advised me that someone in the facility knew him so he was in lock down but I would here from him soon.
I think it was Sept. 30th (a Wednesday) when he finally called. They had moved him to another facility that is about a 2 hour drive from here. He had been only 20 minutes away at the other camp and 45 minutes away at the level 5 camp he had lived at for years.
Evidently one of the correction officers knew him and requested that he be moved. (conflict of interest situation.) We don't know who it was so it will always be a mystery. He was locked in solitary for over a week. He said it had bedbugs, roaches and mice so he was pretty miserable.
The new place is old and run down and he says the staff are not as nice as any of the other places he has been. In summation he would have been better off to have stayed put at his level 5 camp.
The new place has only 2 phones and a 20 minute limit so it is harder for him to call me. They gave him a room mate that smokes and they allow (even though it is against the rules) them to smoke in the wing.
In the move he lost (they lost) his Walkman, they took his extra socks and a bunch of other BS. They also claim he doesn't have honors status which is just a total bunch of bull.
He can probably ask for another transfer in a year but there is really nothing he can do right away. He says he is not sure where they would send him anyway. He may be better off to just tough out the rest of his sentence in his current location.
So he is safe and we have been chatting and are all caught up again so that is good.
Oh and he told me that if I hadn't called it probably would have taken them about 3 months to relocate him but after I called they knew someone on the outside was paying attention so the expedited his paperwork to get him moved. I am so grateful that I was able to help get him out of the hole!!
The first place they moved him to was awesome and he was so excited. Then after only two days the quit calling.
I was worried sick and after I didn't hear from him all weekend and the following Monday I actually phoned the facility and ask about him. A nice lady (I was surprised at how willingly helpful she was) advised me that someone in the facility knew him so he was in lock down but I would here from him soon.
I think it was Sept. 30th (a Wednesday) when he finally called. They had moved him to another facility that is about a 2 hour drive from here. He had been only 20 minutes away at the other camp and 45 minutes away at the level 5 camp he had lived at for years.
Evidently one of the correction officers knew him and requested that he be moved. (conflict of interest situation.) We don't know who it was so it will always be a mystery. He was locked in solitary for over a week. He said it had bedbugs, roaches and mice so he was pretty miserable.
The new place is old and run down and he says the staff are not as nice as any of the other places he has been. In summation he would have been better off to have stayed put at his level 5 camp.
The new place has only 2 phones and a 20 minute limit so it is harder for him to call me. They gave him a room mate that smokes and they allow (even though it is against the rules) them to smoke in the wing.
In the move he lost (they lost) his Walkman, they took his extra socks and a bunch of other BS. They also claim he doesn't have honors status which is just a total bunch of bull.
He can probably ask for another transfer in a year but there is really nothing he can do right away. He says he is not sure where they would send him anyway. He may be better off to just tough out the rest of his sentence in his current location.
So he is safe and we have been chatting and are all caught up again so that is good.
Oh and he told me that if I hadn't called it probably would have taken them about 3 months to relocate him but after I called they knew someone on the outside was paying attention so the expedited his paperwork to get him moved. I am so grateful that I was able to help get him out of the hole!!
Sunday, September 27, 2015
All I Have
As you all probably know, my father left our family when I was a child. He may have given me a few gifts after that point but I really don't recall even what they were and I certainly don't still have them. Usually I think he would give me a check for my birthday. The only gift I can remember was something his wife picked out for me and it was clothes that I would NEVER wear and a purse that I would never use. They didn't really know me at all.
This little wood shelf made of scrap lumber is one thing that I have that my father made for me when I was a child. It used to be in my closet to store my shoes on. When I moved out of my mothers home at 16 I took it with me. It hasn't been used for shoes in years. Now it sits in the garge by the door as a convenient place to drop something on your way in or out of the house or store the whisk broom and rose fertilizer. I think when I lived with Husband we did keep the lawn mowing shoes on it.
Anyway that is one thing that I have from my father.
Here is the other item. This is an old waste paper basket that he kept in his office when he lived with my us. It is a bit rusty. When he left my childhood home he left it behind. I guess he didn't think it was fancy enough for the new wife. Later I took a shine to it as a teenager because it was kind of flashy and mod. I basically adopted it as mine and have had it ever since. It now sits by my makeup table and I use it to toss tissues and Q-tips in.
I am sure if I died tomorrow no one would have a clue that these two item are priceless to me. They would probably pitch them assuming they weren't even worth giving to the Goodwill or selling at a garage sale.
That is it folks.....that is all I have left of my father.
My mother may have some childhood photos that I will dig out of her basement when she passes away. I am so dreading the day I have to deal with her house. She is a bit of a hoarder!
Friday, September 25, 2015
Warning Signs of the Emotionally Distant Abuser
I found this on Heartless-Bitches.com
You know who it makes me think of!
These are some of the specific characteristics of emotional abuse used by those who control their relationship by keeping their partners involved with them while maintaining an emotional distance for themselves.
1.He walks away while you are talking to him.
2.He turns on something noisy when you are talking to him, like the TV, radio, a fan, or the faucet. He sometimes even turns the volume or noise up so he can hear it over you as you are speaking.
3.When you say something, he doesn't respond at all, even to acknowledge that he heard you.
4.He doesn't ask you how your day was.
5.He shares his life experiences with anyone but you. He shares his life, point of view, and mundane day-to-day events with his friends, but you have no idea what is going on in his life.
6.He will plan things and not tell you. His friend or a contractor will appear and it'll be a surprise to you, but he's known about it for days.
7.He will lie, but it seems that he doesn't care if you catch him in a lie. He enjoys baiting you into catching him lying so he can blame you for it.
8.He mumbles or chooses ineffective language for the purpose of being intentionally vague and confusing. He may blame you for not understanding him.
9.He wants sex from you, and blames you for having no interest in him. But this is all he expects from you. Take care of your chores and have sex with him, that's it. He may want something else, like money, favors, something he has defined as your role. He shows the most interest in you when he's trying to collect on this expectation.
10.The two of you will be alone for hours in the house or in a car and he won't say a word to you. If you try to strike up a conversation, you get a one word response.
11.He gets angry and blames you when you point out your experiences of being ignored. He denies any responsibility when you call him on it. If you are really mad and make moves to distance yourself from him, he gets better, like he was when you first started dating. It is only temporary, though.
12.If you really need him for support, he blames you for your predicament. Support is rarely given. Your needs are always criticized.
13.The crazy-making is underhanded and comes in many forms, not just ignoring you, though that is the primary form. He may break something and let you discover it, leave a significant mess, put things back in the wrong place so you can't find them when you need them, or lend items to neighbors and not tell you.
14.He acts cold and withdrawn and ignores you most of the time, unless he wants something from you.
15.He keeps friends that also treat you as you are either invisible or only present to respond to their needs for a beverage, sandwich, to locate a phonebook or any kind of staff behavior.
16.He keeps things that are normally shared separate. This could be finances, friends, recreation or having a single country club membership instead of a family one. He labels things YOURS or MINE. Sharing is not an option.
These behaviors were not immediately evident at the start of the relationship - they worsened over time... after you were "hooked".
These behaviors are used to bait you, to create the crazy dysfunctional life that he is comfortable in. He gets off on instigating and to causing you to react. It gives him a feeling of control and superiority. When you stop reacting and just focus on yourself, you will break his comfort zone. It won't be pleasant when he turns martyr on you, but it's the first step in freeing yourself from being abused. It can be a very empowering experience to remove yourself from this situation.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Clarification
Friss:
I am used to talking to my son every single day. I love him dearly. I miss him and worry if he is really alright. It is hell not knowing what is going on and why he can't call. I am a little offended that my missing him could be construed as me being too dependent on him or that our relationship is unhealthy. He is in prison....bad things could very well be happening and I would not know.
I so wish he would call!!!
Safe:
What do I mean by safe?
Emotionally safe: a place where I can be open and honest with people (friends & family) and they won't use my words against me or be judgmental. Where being myself is not going to "get me in trouble". By safe I mean I want relationships with people who respect me and don't use me or lie to me or emotionally manipulate me.
Financially safe: I don't want to feel in danger of being robbed or losing my home. I know I would feel safer if I had my own place. However, this home is just as much mine as it is his and I don't feel I should leave it. I have money invested in this home and feel that I need to protect my investment. So I stay. Otherwise I would leave. Simple enough.
I always feel like JDK is being shifty and manipulative. I often think I should just go no contact with him. Then other times I feel that having a good rapport with the man that I will be raising a child with for the next 10 years is probably a better idea. Ideally I would hope that we could reach some sort of comfort level with each other and move forward with a healthier relationship. I think just carving a person out of your life may be a simple, quick fix but in the long run is it best for everyone? In the long run is there not potential for growth by exploring your relationships with others and finding out on a deeper level what makes them work or fail. I guess I am always torn about how best to proceed with him. When he is friendly and we get a long I like it but it also confuses me. Generally I don't think he would have a thing to do with me if it wasn't somehow going to profit him.....so what is his goal? I always wonder. (potentially he does it to avoid child support? I have filed the papers to get that problem corrected.)
Living Alone:
I don't think I have ever actually lived alone. I have always had children living with me. From the time Chris was 3 until maybe 7 or so we lived together without a man or roommate. It was fine, except I got robbed once and raped once and I am sure if I had not lived alone (or had a dog) neither would have taken place. After Randy and I got divorced I lived alone for a few years. Then after Rocco left I lived alone for 6 years or so. And even when I was living with a roommate or man I was always the one doing the bulk of the work and paying most of the bills. I am usually the "responsible" one in my relationships.
I have noticed that responsible people attract people who want to be taken care of. I think sometimes I am too responsible. I have even been told that I am too independent or self sufficient. In a way I think it turns some men off...men want to feel needed.
Also maintenance of a home sucks at my age. I no longer want to worry about cleaning out gutters and mowing the grass. I guess I could buy a condo or get an apartment but they are not financially the best choice usually.
Another reason I don't want to live alone is that I prefer to come home from work and have a human to talk to. No offence to my dog but she isn't all the company I long for. Long story short, I am not afraid to live on my own but I do prefer human company and would rather live with a room mate or sig. other. Which I think is fairly normal. Most people do live with other people and prefer it.
Trust:
Most of my life NO ONE has taken care of me; I was on my own. I didn't really have parents. Friss' real dad left me penniless, jobless and without a drivers license. Randy (M&R's father) was a man child who I took care of until I just couldn't bare to do it anymore. Rocco did take care of me for a while....well, we took care of each other. He was a healthy person and we had a healthy relationship until he decided he could do better. I still believe JDK never loved me and only stuck around because I was easy to get along with and I gave him way more than I expected in return. All of these things lead me to not trust people. And certainly don't trust them with things that are important to you!
When I met Kevin I decided to try trust instead of apprehension. I decided to put both feet in instead of keeping one out of the door. I chose to trust him which is something that I haven't done since Rocco left. And I got burned!!!
Hero:
I always referred to Kevin as my hero because he was actually helpful and giving to me. I appreciated the reciprocity of our relationship. Much of my life people have used my generous nature to take advantage of me. I am aware that I was probably gullible and trusting but at the same time it gets old when you try hard to be nice to people and the net result is they screw you over.
But, jokes on me because Kevin screwed me over too!! I am sure there are many people who take great pleasure in that Karma Bus hitting me.
Anyway....I never meant the term Hero to mean he would be my white night and save me from anything. I just meant that I thought he was a good guy and good to me; good for me. I just wanted him to be a decent human being. I wanted us to have a solid relationship.
Maybe I said JDK looked like a super hero? He did resemble Clark Kent when he had his glasses on.
I am used to talking to my son every single day. I love him dearly. I miss him and worry if he is really alright. It is hell not knowing what is going on and why he can't call. I am a little offended that my missing him could be construed as me being too dependent on him or that our relationship is unhealthy. He is in prison....bad things could very well be happening and I would not know.
I so wish he would call!!!
Safe:
What do I mean by safe?
Emotionally safe: a place where I can be open and honest with people (friends & family) and they won't use my words against me or be judgmental. Where being myself is not going to "get me in trouble". By safe I mean I want relationships with people who respect me and don't use me or lie to me or emotionally manipulate me.
Financially safe: I don't want to feel in danger of being robbed or losing my home. I know I would feel safer if I had my own place. However, this home is just as much mine as it is his and I don't feel I should leave it. I have money invested in this home and feel that I need to protect my investment. So I stay. Otherwise I would leave. Simple enough.
I always feel like JDK is being shifty and manipulative. I often think I should just go no contact with him. Then other times I feel that having a good rapport with the man that I will be raising a child with for the next 10 years is probably a better idea. Ideally I would hope that we could reach some sort of comfort level with each other and move forward with a healthier relationship. I think just carving a person out of your life may be a simple, quick fix but in the long run is it best for everyone? In the long run is there not potential for growth by exploring your relationships with others and finding out on a deeper level what makes them work or fail. I guess I am always torn about how best to proceed with him. When he is friendly and we get a long I like it but it also confuses me. Generally I don't think he would have a thing to do with me if it wasn't somehow going to profit him.....so what is his goal? I always wonder. (potentially he does it to avoid child support? I have filed the papers to get that problem corrected.)
Living Alone:
I don't think I have ever actually lived alone. I have always had children living with me. From the time Chris was 3 until maybe 7 or so we lived together without a man or roommate. It was fine, except I got robbed once and raped once and I am sure if I had not lived alone (or had a dog) neither would have taken place. After Randy and I got divorced I lived alone for a few years. Then after Rocco left I lived alone for 6 years or so. And even when I was living with a roommate or man I was always the one doing the bulk of the work and paying most of the bills. I am usually the "responsible" one in my relationships.
I have noticed that responsible people attract people who want to be taken care of. I think sometimes I am too responsible. I have even been told that I am too independent or self sufficient. In a way I think it turns some men off...men want to feel needed.
Also maintenance of a home sucks at my age. I no longer want to worry about cleaning out gutters and mowing the grass. I guess I could buy a condo or get an apartment but they are not financially the best choice usually.
Another reason I don't want to live alone is that I prefer to come home from work and have a human to talk to. No offence to my dog but she isn't all the company I long for. Long story short, I am not afraid to live on my own but I do prefer human company and would rather live with a room mate or sig. other. Which I think is fairly normal. Most people do live with other people and prefer it.
Trust:
Most of my life NO ONE has taken care of me; I was on my own. I didn't really have parents. Friss' real dad left me penniless, jobless and without a drivers license. Randy (M&R's father) was a man child who I took care of until I just couldn't bare to do it anymore. Rocco did take care of me for a while....well, we took care of each other. He was a healthy person and we had a healthy relationship until he decided he could do better. I still believe JDK never loved me and only stuck around because I was easy to get along with and I gave him way more than I expected in return. All of these things lead me to not trust people. And certainly don't trust them with things that are important to you!
When I met Kevin I decided to try trust instead of apprehension. I decided to put both feet in instead of keeping one out of the door. I chose to trust him which is something that I haven't done since Rocco left. And I got burned!!!
Hero:
I always referred to Kevin as my hero because he was actually helpful and giving to me. I appreciated the reciprocity of our relationship. Much of my life people have used my generous nature to take advantage of me. I am aware that I was probably gullible and trusting but at the same time it gets old when you try hard to be nice to people and the net result is they screw you over.
But, jokes on me because Kevin screwed me over too!! I am sure there are many people who take great pleasure in that Karma Bus hitting me.
Anyway....I never meant the term Hero to mean he would be my white night and save me from anything. I just meant that I thought he was a good guy and good to me; good for me. I just wanted him to be a decent human being. I wanted us to have a solid relationship.
Maybe I said JDK looked like a super hero? He did resemble Clark Kent when he had his glasses on.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Safe
Last weekend Kevin and I had another disagreement. He is feeling insecure and needy and I just don't have it in me to be the loving, adoring girlfriend he wants. I wasn't mean or anything, I just can't structure my whole life around him. I am just too broken and confused to feed his ego right now. I just need him to be kind and let me be me.
I had interviewed for a part time job at a dentists office just a mile from my house. There were lots of really good things about the job; most importantly being flexible and understanding about my need to be available for my daughter. They phoned me Monday and made me an offer. I agonized all day yesterday about what I should do. Last night I told them that I couldn't take the job. Ultimately I don't feel stable enough to commit myself to anything right now. I was worried I would take it and fail and I didn't want to do that to them.
Yesterday I worked at the construction company all day and basically churned out a large quantity of kick ass work. I am good at being an accountant. I am best at problem solving and analysis. Ideally I need to find a job that uses those skills yet allows me to be the parent I want to be. I wish I could figure out how to make a go of starting my own business. It just seems too overwhelming right now.
Monday I met with a new therapist. Her name is Emily. She is a shame expert and studied under Brene Brown! I have another appointment next Monday. I am hopeful that she will actually be able to help me.
Last week Friss was transferred to a different prison. He was at a maximum security facility and now he is in a medium level camp. Friday morning I spoke with him on the phone and he was excited about all the new opportunities he now has. He would be getting a job in the cafeteria and he had applied to transfer to the wing that houses the inmates who had completed the "year long intensive therapy program". They call it the "Post Program" group or something like that. He also was impressed that they are not locked in their cells. The bathrooms are down the hall and they lock their cells if they leave them. More like a dorm room.
All weekend he didn't call which is not normal. When I didn't hear from him on Monday I got so worried I was crying. I finally called the prison and they informed me he was in protective custody because there was someone there he should not be around....at least that is what I think they said. She assured me he was safe, not in trouble and I would hear from him soon. I still have not received a call and it is very hard on me. I miss him terribly and every day I don't talk to him just feels like a day without sunshine.
Saturday afternoon JDK and I took Beanie cycling. It was really a lot of fun. I am so proud of my daughter. JDK was super nice to me all last weekend. Then Monday cold as ice. Yesterday I found out that his girlfriend had been out of town. I am still so very confused by how he behaves and what he says and does. I have also noticed how different Beanie behaves around him. She is weird and silly and often acts way too overtly affectionate with him. Last night I was just sitting here thinking about my feelings about him and our relationship and his relationship with our daughter and came to the realization that if someone makes you feel constantly confused for years on end surely there must be something really wrong with them and the relationship. He has been selling me on how our marriage was just a big misunderstanding and he meant well. He has been pushing for the past year to "get to a better place" << what does that mean? At times I feel he is sincere and is trying to be good to me/us. Then other times I feel it is all just a sick game to him; that he is manipulating me on purpose and I don't even fully understand why. Ultimately, I don't feel safe about him and I don't really feel safe for my daughter. I think if he was really a good guy, and I just misunderstood, things would be different. I would figure it out. I have never struggled so much to feel safe with a person. It shouldn't be such a struggle. Something is very wrong, STILL and I need to just stay the hell away from him. I am still toying with the idea of moving so we won't have to deal with him on a regular basis.
I am feeling so very alone right now. I don't feel safe with anybody. I still have no idea what I should do next. I don't trust that if I choose what to do I will be making the right choice. I don't want to make things any worse.
Maybe getting a job would make me feel better and more in control of my life. Then again I don't want to get a job here if I am just going to move. I think we need to sell this house but it could bring with it a huge financial hit. Maybe if Kevin and I keep trying things will get better...so why sell the house? Maybe our relationship is doomed and I would feel better if I just faced that and moved on?
Sometimes I long to be "single" and just do my own thing. Then again I remember how lonely and sad I was before and how heavy the weight of having EVERYTHING be my problem alone was. At least, for now, Kevin shares a lot of the responsibility of this home....it's not all on me.
I know I am lucky that I still have health insurance and some money in the bank. Things could be so much worse. I worry about losing my insurance and what I would do about that.
I haven't been drinking....don't even want to. Nothing has really changed since I quit drinking except I no longer express how hopeless I feel. Now I just keep it to myself.
Last night as I tried to sleep I kept thinking....."what would make me feel safe? How can I feel safe?"
I had interviewed for a part time job at a dentists office just a mile from my house. There were lots of really good things about the job; most importantly being flexible and understanding about my need to be available for my daughter. They phoned me Monday and made me an offer. I agonized all day yesterday about what I should do. Last night I told them that I couldn't take the job. Ultimately I don't feel stable enough to commit myself to anything right now. I was worried I would take it and fail and I didn't want to do that to them.
Yesterday I worked at the construction company all day and basically churned out a large quantity of kick ass work. I am good at being an accountant. I am best at problem solving and analysis. Ideally I need to find a job that uses those skills yet allows me to be the parent I want to be. I wish I could figure out how to make a go of starting my own business. It just seems too overwhelming right now.
Monday I met with a new therapist. Her name is Emily. She is a shame expert and studied under Brene Brown! I have another appointment next Monday. I am hopeful that she will actually be able to help me.
Last week Friss was transferred to a different prison. He was at a maximum security facility and now he is in a medium level camp. Friday morning I spoke with him on the phone and he was excited about all the new opportunities he now has. He would be getting a job in the cafeteria and he had applied to transfer to the wing that houses the inmates who had completed the "year long intensive therapy program". They call it the "Post Program" group or something like that. He also was impressed that they are not locked in their cells. The bathrooms are down the hall and they lock their cells if they leave them. More like a dorm room.
All weekend he didn't call which is not normal. When I didn't hear from him on Monday I got so worried I was crying. I finally called the prison and they informed me he was in protective custody because there was someone there he should not be around....at least that is what I think they said. She assured me he was safe, not in trouble and I would hear from him soon. I still have not received a call and it is very hard on me. I miss him terribly and every day I don't talk to him just feels like a day without sunshine.
Saturday afternoon JDK and I took Beanie cycling. It was really a lot of fun. I am so proud of my daughter. JDK was super nice to me all last weekend. Then Monday cold as ice. Yesterday I found out that his girlfriend had been out of town. I am still so very confused by how he behaves and what he says and does. I have also noticed how different Beanie behaves around him. She is weird and silly and often acts way too overtly affectionate with him. Last night I was just sitting here thinking about my feelings about him and our relationship and his relationship with our daughter and came to the realization that if someone makes you feel constantly confused for years on end surely there must be something really wrong with them and the relationship. He has been selling me on how our marriage was just a big misunderstanding and he meant well. He has been pushing for the past year to "get to a better place" << what does that mean? At times I feel he is sincere and is trying to be good to me/us. Then other times I feel it is all just a sick game to him; that he is manipulating me on purpose and I don't even fully understand why. Ultimately, I don't feel safe about him and I don't really feel safe for my daughter. I think if he was really a good guy, and I just misunderstood, things would be different. I would figure it out. I have never struggled so much to feel safe with a person. It shouldn't be such a struggle. Something is very wrong, STILL and I need to just stay the hell away from him. I am still toying with the idea of moving so we won't have to deal with him on a regular basis.
I am feeling so very alone right now. I don't feel safe with anybody. I still have no idea what I should do next. I don't trust that if I choose what to do I will be making the right choice. I don't want to make things any worse.
Maybe getting a job would make me feel better and more in control of my life. Then again I don't want to get a job here if I am just going to move. I think we need to sell this house but it could bring with it a huge financial hit. Maybe if Kevin and I keep trying things will get better...so why sell the house? Maybe our relationship is doomed and I would feel better if I just faced that and moved on?
Sometimes I long to be "single" and just do my own thing. Then again I remember how lonely and sad I was before and how heavy the weight of having EVERYTHING be my problem alone was. At least, for now, Kevin shares a lot of the responsibility of this home....it's not all on me.
I know I am lucky that I still have health insurance and some money in the bank. Things could be so much worse. I worry about losing my insurance and what I would do about that.
I haven't been drinking....don't even want to. Nothing has really changed since I quit drinking except I no longer express how hopeless I feel. Now I just keep it to myself.
Last night as I tried to sleep I kept thinking....."what would make me feel safe? How can I feel safe?"
Friday, September 18, 2015
Doing Better?
Last Friday Kevin and I had a huge fight. I said terrible things. I screamed and yelled. I think I just needed to unload all the pain and anger I was building up about this whole stupid miserable situation. It's not something I would normally do but I was drunk and just didn't give a flying fuck about what happened next.
I really can't stand to go back through all the details but it was an ugly day. A day I don't want to remember.
Around 2 am on Saturday I woke up after a couple of hours sleep and was starting to feel anxious and upset. I was here by myself with no wine and I hate being home alone.
I finally decided to go get some more wine so I could go back to sleep. I actually drove to the store only to be told that they won't sell you liquor between something like 2 am and 6 am. I didn't know that!
I drove home feeling like a miserable piece of shit. Then I sat and watched the clock.......with my head thinking about everything...OVER and OVER and OVER again.
I paced the house....I laid down.....I paced some more. I never fell back asleep. The night lasted forever.
I was toying with the idea of going back to the store at 6 am. I was also reviewing how shitty things had gotten and how maybe I might want to get a fucking grip instead of a buzz.
From 5 am to 6 am I watched every minute of the clock tick by. It was the longest hour of my life. When 6 am came I didn't go to the store. Instead I started trying to figure out what the hell to do instead.
Friss called and I chatted with him from about 8 to 9 am. When I got off the phone with him I sat and thought some more and formulated a plan.
1) Drinking had started to become a problem not a solution.....it was time to knock that shit off.
2) JDK is never going to take me back so I need to just get past that thought.
3) Kevin isn't such a bad guy and at my age he may even be a good catch. I know the cheating thing happened but I also feel it was a fluke and not who he really is. The girl is in Australia for God's sake she isn't really an issue. I might want to actually consider if there is any way to salvage our relationship, stay in the house and basically get back to plan A. This is the simplest and most logical way to proceed. I don't hate him.....I am just now sure how much I really love him....or he loves me. The only way to find out is to start TRYING to make things better with him.
I called Kevin and apologized, told him I wanted to put down the anger and try again. I told him the "crazy train" had to stop and I was willing to do all I could to make that happen. He was very reluctant at first. I was feeling like total shit at this point thinking he hated me and I had pissed away any chance of us ever getting back on solid ground. I told him I wasn't going to drink anymore but I needed him to come home and stay with me. I didn't feel strong and wanted him to be here with me to keep me company. That maybe we could talk and work on mending.
He said he wouldn't come home; that I had said some really awful shit and he wasn't going to be over it "just like that". I begged .....and he said no.
I paced the house some more. I get way too anxious. I know there is something wrong with me. I wish there was a way to fix it. I really do.
Later in the day he called and ask me if I wanted to meet for lunch. I explained that I didn't feel or look very good given the lack of sleep so going out in public was not a good idea. He then agreed to meet me at the park to talk.
We met.....both broken from all that has happened in the last few months. We sat and held hands and talked for a couple of hours. It was a first step.
Saturday night he said I could call him if I wanted so I did a few times. He picked up the phone and was kind. I didn't sleep much, as usual.
He finally came home on Monday and he took the day off so we had a chance to spend even more time together. We talked for hours. It was like old times.
Each day I sleep a little better than the last. Last night I got 4 solid hours of sleep before I woke up around 1:30. I finally fell back asleep around 3:45 and slept till about 6. That was a good night for me. Except in the early hours of the morning I had a nightmare about JDK.
I had two job interviews this week. Either one might work out but neither are anything I really WANT. I might just take one anyway.....or maybe I won't. I don't know what is going to happen but at least I am not having an all out war in my own home anymore.
At this point it is one day at a time until somehow something points me in a direction. Until then I just keep doing the best I can at whats in front of me. I am trying to be a better person and not be hard on myself or my loved ones.
And I don't even WANT to drink any booze.
I really can't stand to go back through all the details but it was an ugly day. A day I don't want to remember.
Around 2 am on Saturday I woke up after a couple of hours sleep and was starting to feel anxious and upset. I was here by myself with no wine and I hate being home alone.
I finally decided to go get some more wine so I could go back to sleep. I actually drove to the store only to be told that they won't sell you liquor between something like 2 am and 6 am. I didn't know that!
I drove home feeling like a miserable piece of shit. Then I sat and watched the clock.......with my head thinking about everything...OVER and OVER and OVER again.
I paced the house....I laid down.....I paced some more. I never fell back asleep. The night lasted forever.
I was toying with the idea of going back to the store at 6 am. I was also reviewing how shitty things had gotten and how maybe I might want to get a fucking grip instead of a buzz.
From 5 am to 6 am I watched every minute of the clock tick by. It was the longest hour of my life. When 6 am came I didn't go to the store. Instead I started trying to figure out what the hell to do instead.
Friss called and I chatted with him from about 8 to 9 am. When I got off the phone with him I sat and thought some more and formulated a plan.
1) Drinking had started to become a problem not a solution.....it was time to knock that shit off.
2) JDK is never going to take me back so I need to just get past that thought.
3) Kevin isn't such a bad guy and at my age he may even be a good catch. I know the cheating thing happened but I also feel it was a fluke and not who he really is. The girl is in Australia for God's sake she isn't really an issue. I might want to actually consider if there is any way to salvage our relationship, stay in the house and basically get back to plan A. This is the simplest and most logical way to proceed. I don't hate him.....I am just now sure how much I really love him....or he loves me. The only way to find out is to start TRYING to make things better with him.
I called Kevin and apologized, told him I wanted to put down the anger and try again. I told him the "crazy train" had to stop and I was willing to do all I could to make that happen. He was very reluctant at first. I was feeling like total shit at this point thinking he hated me and I had pissed away any chance of us ever getting back on solid ground. I told him I wasn't going to drink anymore but I needed him to come home and stay with me. I didn't feel strong and wanted him to be here with me to keep me company. That maybe we could talk and work on mending.
He said he wouldn't come home; that I had said some really awful shit and he wasn't going to be over it "just like that". I begged .....and he said no.
I paced the house some more. I get way too anxious. I know there is something wrong with me. I wish there was a way to fix it. I really do.
Later in the day he called and ask me if I wanted to meet for lunch. I explained that I didn't feel or look very good given the lack of sleep so going out in public was not a good idea. He then agreed to meet me at the park to talk.
We met.....both broken from all that has happened in the last few months. We sat and held hands and talked for a couple of hours. It was a first step.
Saturday night he said I could call him if I wanted so I did a few times. He picked up the phone and was kind. I didn't sleep much, as usual.
He finally came home on Monday and he took the day off so we had a chance to spend even more time together. We talked for hours. It was like old times.
Each day I sleep a little better than the last. Last night I got 4 solid hours of sleep before I woke up around 1:30. I finally fell back asleep around 3:45 and slept till about 6. That was a good night for me. Except in the early hours of the morning I had a nightmare about JDK.
I had two job interviews this week. Either one might work out but neither are anything I really WANT. I might just take one anyway.....or maybe I won't. I don't know what is going to happen but at least I am not having an all out war in my own home anymore.
At this point it is one day at a time until somehow something points me in a direction. Until then I just keep doing the best I can at whats in front of me. I am trying to be a better person and not be hard on myself or my loved ones.
And I don't even WANT to drink any booze.
Friday, September 11, 2015
I suck that much
Ever since I realized that Kevin doesn't really care about me (which seemed to start almost the minute we moved into the same house) everything has been a struggle. Lesson here is always live with someone before you believe who they are!!!
D-day was July 9th and I haven't slept well ever since.
I actually told JDK I wanted to come home. He basically told me that he still loves me and wants our family back but I have to somehow do the pick me dance to get him to leave his GF. She is so perfect and awesome that he can never do anything mean to her.
I figured out about 4 days ago that I will sleep if I drink enough wine to make my brain shut down. It has been so much nicer to stay drunk rather than just feel sick and anxious and out of my mind because my life is in such a fucked up state.
Yes....I am THAT fucked up!!!!
No...I didn't get the job. I suck like that.
Kevin has decided to leave me so I am home alone. I guess I need to start planning my next move.
Nothing really matters now. I have my Bean and I need to figure out what I want next.
This has been a shitty fucking year.
But I have to say that it is still not as bad at 2001. That was the worst year of my life.
I fucking hate 9/11 and I hate that people suck as much as they do. Why can't people be kind and loving......... is it really so hard to love thy brother?
D-day was July 9th and I haven't slept well ever since.
I actually told JDK I wanted to come home. He basically told me that he still loves me and wants our family back but I have to somehow do the pick me dance to get him to leave his GF. She is so perfect and awesome that he can never do anything mean to her.
I figured out about 4 days ago that I will sleep if I drink enough wine to make my brain shut down. It has been so much nicer to stay drunk rather than just feel sick and anxious and out of my mind because my life is in such a fucked up state.
Yes....I am THAT fucked up!!!!
No...I didn't get the job. I suck like that.
Kevin has decided to leave me so I am home alone. I guess I need to start planning my next move.
Nothing really matters now. I have my Bean and I need to figure out what I want next.
This has been a shitty fucking year.
But I have to say that it is still not as bad at 2001. That was the worst year of my life.
I fucking hate 9/11 and I hate that people suck as much as they do. Why can't people be kind and loving......... is it really so hard to love thy brother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015
A Second Interview!
Yesterday afternoon I received an email requesting a second interview for the Business Managers position at Beanie's school. I was so excited I jumped up and did the happy dance.
I have started making notes and practicing what I want to say. This time I am wearing a suit and I am going to sell myself like crazy. I am going to WOW them. I am going to prepare so much that I will leave feeling like I nailed it!!
A friend of mine informed me I am one of two finalist for the position. I only have to beat out one other person. I am thrilled!
This morning I woke up a little less excited. Don't get me wrong I want this job and I think it will be just fine. But at the same time I have been so busy even without dedicating 40 hours a week to employment. I know my life is going to get more hectic. I know that I will have a new set of pressures and stressors to deal with. I am not looking forward to having more on my plate since I already feel overwhelmed so much of the time.
I am sure that many will tell me that a full time job will keep me busy and I won't have as much time to overthink and fret over my personal life. I get that. But here's the thing. I NEED to make changes in my personal life and how I handle my relationships and those changes take time and energy. The more energy I put into my job the less I have for my personal problems.
I am totally going to get a job as soon as possible because I need that financial security at this point and I will still work on fixing my emotional garbage but I just wont have as much time and energy to put into it so it will probably take longer and be a slower process. I guess I am OK with that.....not like I have a choice.
Hopefully, if I get the job, it won't be a horrible all consuming soul-sucking kind of job. And even if it is, I can always look for another job to replace it with.
I have started making notes and practicing what I want to say. This time I am wearing a suit and I am going to sell myself like crazy. I am going to WOW them. I am going to prepare so much that I will leave feeling like I nailed it!!
A friend of mine informed me I am one of two finalist for the position. I only have to beat out one other person. I am thrilled!
This morning I woke up a little less excited. Don't get me wrong I want this job and I think it will be just fine. But at the same time I have been so busy even without dedicating 40 hours a week to employment. I know my life is going to get more hectic. I know that I will have a new set of pressures and stressors to deal with. I am not looking forward to having more on my plate since I already feel overwhelmed so much of the time.
I am sure that many will tell me that a full time job will keep me busy and I won't have as much time to overthink and fret over my personal life. I get that. But here's the thing. I NEED to make changes in my personal life and how I handle my relationships and those changes take time and energy. The more energy I put into my job the less I have for my personal problems.
I am totally going to get a job as soon as possible because I need that financial security at this point and I will still work on fixing my emotional garbage but I just wont have as much time and energy to put into it so it will probably take longer and be a slower process. I guess I am OK with that.....not like I have a choice.
Hopefully, if I get the job, it won't be a horrible all consuming soul-sucking kind of job. And even if it is, I can always look for another job to replace it with.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Bringing Home My Baby
This morning I was talking to Friss and he was telling me how he is getting a bit anxious and melancholy because soon they will transfer him to a lower level facility and he will be leaving the home that he has known for the last, what?, 10 + years. He has friends there, it is comfortable, he knows the rules and how to navigate the place safely. He has been happy and grown so much as a person and he will be sad to leave.
But moving means he is getting near the end of his sentence. At the new camp he will have more freedom. He hopes to once again get a full time job which he is looking forward to so he will be busy and have some money of his own. (I currently send him about $500 two or three times per year.) He will also have more recreational time so he hopes he can get more exercise. He is excited but still it is hard to leave a place that you feel safe in.
As far as we know, if nothing crazy happens, they will release him in December of 2018. On that day I will once again put my precious bundle into my car and bring him home for the first time. He will get to see his new room and we will go shopping and buy him some clothes. It will be like the birth of a baby only this time he can sit on the porch and have tea with me instead of whaling all night for no reason. (Unless he wants to cry all night....I guess he can.)
He told me that they will give him some food stamps and some clothing vouchers so he won't have to break the bank when he arrives. I think it is sweet that he is trying to be frugal but frankly I don't care what it costs; money isn't important compared to just having him home.
When I think about that day I get so overwhelmingly excited that I just cry and cry. It will be so much like the birth of a baby. A new start...together.
I JUST CAN'T WAIT!
But moving means he is getting near the end of his sentence. At the new camp he will have more freedom. He hopes to once again get a full time job which he is looking forward to so he will be busy and have some money of his own. (I currently send him about $500 two or three times per year.) He will also have more recreational time so he hopes he can get more exercise. He is excited but still it is hard to leave a place that you feel safe in.
As far as we know, if nothing crazy happens, they will release him in December of 2018. On that day I will once again put my precious bundle into my car and bring him home for the first time. He will get to see his new room and we will go shopping and buy him some clothes. It will be like the birth of a baby only this time he can sit on the porch and have tea with me instead of whaling all night for no reason. (Unless he wants to cry all night....I guess he can.)
He told me that they will give him some food stamps and some clothing vouchers so he won't have to break the bank when he arrives. I think it is sweet that he is trying to be frugal but frankly I don't care what it costs; money isn't important compared to just having him home.
When I think about that day I get so overwhelmingly excited that I just cry and cry. It will be so much like the birth of a baby. A new start...together.
I JUST CAN'T WAIT!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Just Feeling Hopeless (recap of last week)
The first week of school was very busy. I am very grateful that the kids didn't have any homework yet. (This week so far we have had a couple of hours per night!)
Thursday I interviewed for the Business Manager position at her school. I was the first interview. To me the job sounds like it is very heavy in the accounting but the focus of the interview was more on management skills. I really haven't managed a group of people in years. I didn't feel like I nailed the interview, but I don't think I bombed it either. They said they had a lot of resumes coming in and they want to interview about 5-6 more people. Then they will select 2 or 3 candidates for round two of interviews. So hear I wait. I left there feeling that it is a long shot and that was really depressing.
I had to work for a couple of days at the Construction Company because they had some overly complicated cash flow schedule they are required to do for the bank that Cherie could not figure out. She had gotten weeks behind on it because she was at a loss. I worked all day on Friday to get it caught up. It was a total freakin' waste of time because in the final analysis the company is BROKE and they can't afford to pay the bank anything. They are required to pay $150,000 in principal this year. The analysis was to calculate how much they owe the bank. I sat there thinking is so stupid...."THIS IS WHY I LEFT".....I am so tired of trying to get blood from a turnip. It just sucks to sit there with all these financial obligations and then look at the bank and say well we have just enough for payroll and nothing else. This happens all the time! It gets so old. The ten years I worked there were good. I made good money with relatively little stress. But they just can't keep this up forever. One of these days the bank is going to say enough is enough.
Last week Kevin and I were fighting. It all started on Tuesday evening when he phoned around 6 pm and I was in the middle of dealing with a cranky 7 year old. I didn't answer the phone. No, I didn't drop everything to answer his call. Instead I kept dealing with the kid. I was in the middle of making her a smoothie and she was in the middle of bitching at me that it wasn't exactly how she wanted it. Stuff was strewn around the kitchen, the TV was on and I was BUSY! After the smoothie issue was resolved I checked my phone and he didn't leave a message. I figure if it was important he would call again or he would have left a message. Hell, I figured he was on his way home and would be walking in any minute anyway so I just kept hanging out with my daughter.
She was obviously tired so around 7 pm we went to watch TV in my bed. This usually settles her down so she gets to sleep by 8 which is about as late as she can handle on a school night if I want her to be worth a darn when she wakes up the next morning. Not long after we had piled in bed and settled in to watch The Simpsons Kevin called again. This time I answered and he immediately started yelling at me "why didn't you answer when I called? Why didn't you call me back? etc" I was in no mood to get a bitching from him after the difficult evening I had with my daughters so I told him so. He then comments that if I was going to be a bitch he would just let me go.....so I hung up.
So...for the next three days we were mad at each other. He thought I was a bitch for no reason and hung up on him and I felt he was a jerk because I didn't answer his call and he was all "You need to drop everything for me or I get pissy!" It sucked and I am so over trying to get along with men that I can't see straight. I am sick and tired of feeling that I TRY SO HARD to be nice and get along and keep everyone happy and at the end of the day they are all mad at me and treat me like shit. THIS IS MY LIFE OVER AND OVER AGAIN and I don't know how to stop it.
Oh...and I forgot to mention that Beanie's dad has been working 24/7 (or so he says) since Friday August 14th and has pretty much been out of touch. He did get her Monday the 17th around 7 pm and take her home with him where she stayed up too late which then lead to the little monster I was dealing with on Tuesday night. So I have been a single parent for almost 2 weeks now. I have to say I love having her here. I know she is safe with me. But I do resent that JDK and Joslyn are probably enjoying the freedom of no child while I am hear dealing with miss moody butt and I can't go bike or run or anything like they can. He sends me the occasional text about how much his job sucks right now. I am sure it is all a ploy to keep me feeling sorry for him so I won't mind having our daughter. He is just a manipulative fuckhead.
By Sunday Kevin and I were no longer fighting so we decided to do something as a family and went to the state fair with some friends of mine. The day went fairly well and on the way home Kevin stopped and filled my car with gas. When he does nice things like that it reminds me of the old Kevin who took care of me. It makes me wonder if I might be better off to keep him around. I will have more money and more freedom if I continue to cohabitate with him. Still I don't really feel like I love him anymore. I can't ever forget what he did and we have no "intimate" relations which is a total bummer. The whole situation just sucks and have no idea what I should do and the thing I fear most is that 6 months from now I am going to regret what ever decision I make. I have no faith that I will make a wise choice that I can live with.
Friss and I have been talking a lot about what I can do to heal from my childhood issues. One idea is a go to group therapy. I think it has merit. I know there is a Al-Anon group here in town and I have considered that. Also a friend recommended a church class that is called Recovery. It is designed to help address emotional health and addiction. My friend took the class and found it very helpful. I went on line today to register for the fall class that starts next week but it is FULL. So I have to wait until after Christmas if I want to do it. Grrrr
I just feel so hopeless right now......like nothing is ever going to get better.
Thursday I interviewed for the Business Manager position at her school. I was the first interview. To me the job sounds like it is very heavy in the accounting but the focus of the interview was more on management skills. I really haven't managed a group of people in years. I didn't feel like I nailed the interview, but I don't think I bombed it either. They said they had a lot of resumes coming in and they want to interview about 5-6 more people. Then they will select 2 or 3 candidates for round two of interviews. So hear I wait. I left there feeling that it is a long shot and that was really depressing.
I had to work for a couple of days at the Construction Company because they had some overly complicated cash flow schedule they are required to do for the bank that Cherie could not figure out. She had gotten weeks behind on it because she was at a loss. I worked all day on Friday to get it caught up. It was a total freakin' waste of time because in the final analysis the company is BROKE and they can't afford to pay the bank anything. They are required to pay $150,000 in principal this year. The analysis was to calculate how much they owe the bank. I sat there thinking is so stupid...."THIS IS WHY I LEFT".....I am so tired of trying to get blood from a turnip. It just sucks to sit there with all these financial obligations and then look at the bank and say well we have just enough for payroll and nothing else. This happens all the time! It gets so old. The ten years I worked there were good. I made good money with relatively little stress. But they just can't keep this up forever. One of these days the bank is going to say enough is enough.
Last week Kevin and I were fighting. It all started on Tuesday evening when he phoned around 6 pm and I was in the middle of dealing with a cranky 7 year old. I didn't answer the phone. No, I didn't drop everything to answer his call. Instead I kept dealing with the kid. I was in the middle of making her a smoothie and she was in the middle of bitching at me that it wasn't exactly how she wanted it. Stuff was strewn around the kitchen, the TV was on and I was BUSY! After the smoothie issue was resolved I checked my phone and he didn't leave a message. I figure if it was important he would call again or he would have left a message. Hell, I figured he was on his way home and would be walking in any minute anyway so I just kept hanging out with my daughter.
She was obviously tired so around 7 pm we went to watch TV in my bed. This usually settles her down so she gets to sleep by 8 which is about as late as she can handle on a school night if I want her to be worth a darn when she wakes up the next morning. Not long after we had piled in bed and settled in to watch The Simpsons Kevin called again. This time I answered and he immediately started yelling at me "why didn't you answer when I called? Why didn't you call me back? etc" I was in no mood to get a bitching from him after the difficult evening I had with my daughters so I told him so. He then comments that if I was going to be a bitch he would just let me go.....so I hung up.
So...for the next three days we were mad at each other. He thought I was a bitch for no reason and hung up on him and I felt he was a jerk because I didn't answer his call and he was all "You need to drop everything for me or I get pissy!" It sucked and I am so over trying to get along with men that I can't see straight. I am sick and tired of feeling that I TRY SO HARD to be nice and get along and keep everyone happy and at the end of the day they are all mad at me and treat me like shit. THIS IS MY LIFE OVER AND OVER AGAIN and I don't know how to stop it.
Oh...and I forgot to mention that Beanie's dad has been working 24/7 (or so he says) since Friday August 14th and has pretty much been out of touch. He did get her Monday the 17th around 7 pm and take her home with him where she stayed up too late which then lead to the little monster I was dealing with on Tuesday night. So I have been a single parent for almost 2 weeks now. I have to say I love having her here. I know she is safe with me. But I do resent that JDK and Joslyn are probably enjoying the freedom of no child while I am hear dealing with miss moody butt and I can't go bike or run or anything like they can. He sends me the occasional text about how much his job sucks right now. I am sure it is all a ploy to keep me feeling sorry for him so I won't mind having our daughter. He is just a manipulative fuckhead.
By Sunday Kevin and I were no longer fighting so we decided to do something as a family and went to the state fair with some friends of mine. The day went fairly well and on the way home Kevin stopped and filled my car with gas. When he does nice things like that it reminds me of the old Kevin who took care of me. It makes me wonder if I might be better off to keep him around. I will have more money and more freedom if I continue to cohabitate with him. Still I don't really feel like I love him anymore. I can't ever forget what he did and we have no "intimate" relations which is a total bummer. The whole situation just sucks and have no idea what I should do and the thing I fear most is that 6 months from now I am going to regret what ever decision I make. I have no faith that I will make a wise choice that I can live with.
Friss and I have been talking a lot about what I can do to heal from my childhood issues. One idea is a go to group therapy. I think it has merit. I know there is a Al-Anon group here in town and I have considered that. Also a friend recommended a church class that is called Recovery. It is designed to help address emotional health and addiction. My friend took the class and found it very helpful. I went on line today to register for the fall class that starts next week but it is FULL. So I have to wait until after Christmas if I want to do it. Grrrr
I just feel so hopeless right now......like nothing is ever going to get better.
Monday, August 17, 2015
First Day of School
Saturday morning before the heat index peaked Beanie and I ventured out to ride bikes together. The neighborhood streets here are new, fairly level and the residents mostly drive very slowly because there are so many kids, so it is really a nice place to ride. She did sooooo well!!
Saturday afternoon I got an email alert for an accounting job at her school. This could be the perfect solution to me needing a job but still being available to my daughter. Cross your fingers!
Then Sunday morning we loaded the bikes in the car and went to the local rails-to-trails exercise trail. When we started riding she just kept smiling and saying she was having the best time. We ended up riding a total of 9 miles. She had one spill and, bless her heart, she was more worried about the bike than herself. Luckily bike and kid were unharmed.
Yesterday afternoon we met Monster at the lake and we all went swimming. He brought his dog and I brought mine so it was really a good time for all.
I went to bed Sunday night feeling full of joy and hope.
Then Kevin returned home after having gone to a baseball game at [city 2 hours away] and as he thought I was sleeping I witnessed him texting someone around midnight and shielding the phone from my site. I was too happy and sleepy to let it ruffle my feathers but I am fairly confident he was texting his little girlfriend. Normally he would not "hide" with his phone.
I woke up this morning feeling irritated with him......I had hoped he had knocked that stupid shit off but I guess not. I have been trying to just concentrate on making myself happy and not what he is doing. It has been mostly working.
Then Beanie got up to go to her first day of second grade and we had to mess with curling her hair. Doing hair stresses me out BIG TIME. That is why I wear a pony tail 90% of the time. I just don't have some patience gene required for hairstyling.
When we tried to leave for school I backed out of the garage to discover....my front left tire was flat. Kevin got up and help me change it. I was glad he was home to help me but I could have done if I really needed to.
Then we get to school late and I am just not feeling confident or together. I meant to talk to someone about the open position but decided to wait until I was feeling more positive.
I escorted the girl to her room and saw all the happy shiny parents dropping their kids off. Many a caring dad was present and then I started to mourn for the father I never had and the dicey father my daughter has. I left the school on the verge of tears.....I did cry a little in the car on the way to drop the tire off to be fixed.
The rest of the day has been a struggle to stay even remotely positive.
I am heading to pick up my daughter soon....hopefully she will have lots of fun stories about how her first day of school went and that will perk me up.
Her Dad has a work conference so is basically out of the picture for the next two weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADDED AFTER I PICK UP THE GIRL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I dropped off my resume and had good conversation with a few people at the school. I am hopeful.
The girl is crabby and mean. I am just letting her do her thing and staying out of the way. I am sure she is tired and overstimulated.
Kevin is picking my tire up for me on his way home. That is nice and I appreciate it.
 |
| I can not even tell you how proud and happy this makes me!! |
Then Sunday morning we loaded the bikes in the car and went to the local rails-to-trails exercise trail. When we started riding she just kept smiling and saying she was having the best time. We ended up riding a total of 9 miles. She had one spill and, bless her heart, she was more worried about the bike than herself. Luckily bike and kid were unharmed.
Yesterday afternoon we met Monster at the lake and we all went swimming. He brought his dog and I brought mine so it was really a good time for all.
I went to bed Sunday night feeling full of joy and hope.
Then Kevin returned home after having gone to a baseball game at [city 2 hours away] and as he thought I was sleeping I witnessed him texting someone around midnight and shielding the phone from my site. I was too happy and sleepy to let it ruffle my feathers but I am fairly confident he was texting his little girlfriend. Normally he would not "hide" with his phone.
I woke up this morning feeling irritated with him......I had hoped he had knocked that stupid shit off but I guess not. I have been trying to just concentrate on making myself happy and not what he is doing. It has been mostly working.
Then Beanie got up to go to her first day of second grade and we had to mess with curling her hair. Doing hair stresses me out BIG TIME. That is why I wear a pony tail 90% of the time. I just don't have some patience gene required for hairstyling.
When we tried to leave for school I backed out of the garage to discover....my front left tire was flat. Kevin got up and help me change it. I was glad he was home to help me but I could have done if I really needed to.
Then we get to school late and I am just not feeling confident or together. I meant to talk to someone about the open position but decided to wait until I was feeling more positive.
I escorted the girl to her room and saw all the happy shiny parents dropping their kids off. Many a caring dad was present and then I started to mourn for the father I never had and the dicey father my daughter has. I left the school on the verge of tears.....I did cry a little in the car on the way to drop the tire off to be fixed.
The rest of the day has been a struggle to stay even remotely positive.
I am heading to pick up my daughter soon....hopefully she will have lots of fun stories about how her first day of school went and that will perk me up.
Her Dad has a work conference so is basically out of the picture for the next two weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADDED AFTER I PICK UP THE GIRL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I dropped off my resume and had good conversation with a few people at the school. I am hopeful.
The girl is crabby and mean. I am just letting her do her thing and staying out of the way. I am sure she is tired and overstimulated.
Kevin is picking my tire up for me on his way home. That is nice and I appreciate it.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Blogging
I wish I could blog more. There is so much I would like to say, save, share, etc.
But some days I am just literally too busy. Other days I am just way too upset to compose anything worth while and other days I am just too ashamed or embarrassed to admit to anyone what is going on in my mind.
The only person in the world that knows it all is Friss. Talking to him daily has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He challenges my ideas and points me in the right direction. He has such a great outlook on life. He is spiritually and emotionally grounded. I am so lucky he is here for me. Funny I never thought that after years of incarceration HE would be the only stable thing in my life. I guess you just never know how things will turn out...do you?
Last week I looked into going to a therapist / counselor and discovered that it will cost $100 per visit. I just can't afford that. It is too bad because I think I have a much better handle on the root of my issues than ever before. I am also disappointed that after years and years of therapy I don't think any of the 5 different therapist I saw ever really figured out the issue I was really dealing with; Toxic Shame. I would think that maybe one of them might have been able to have some insight.
School starts on Monday so I should have more free time during the day so maybe I can blog more. I am working hard to be more balanced and aware of myself and not have those days where life is just too crushing to even chain together reasonable sentences to create a blog entry.
A few weeks ago, when I was at my brothers house over night and I couldn't sleep, I went back and read a bunch of my blog posts. They are all true but they don't really show the whole picture. I sound more reasonable and logical than I really am. The blog captures me being analytic but for the most part it falls short of expressing the emotional battles I am having. So often I can understand things logically but then I can't get my feelings to agree with my brain. I will tell Friss "I understand and agree but that doesn't mean I can do it."
Yesterday I woke up and all I could think was "I want to go home!" Meaning I just want the last 2 years of my life to disappear and go back to my husband and my family and the safety it provided. Sure I didn't get the love I deserved from him but in so many other ways I did feel safe. I felt I had a stable home for my daughter and I didn't fear that he was about to leave me or cheat on me. He wasn't all that bad, he just fell short of the ideal situation. Maybe I was too judgmental? Maybe I was greedy? I should have been counting my blessing instead of wishing for more. I was stupid. I should have never left a man I loved.
And over the past year his continued verbal claims that he still loves me just keeps me perpetually confused and emotionally balled up. I just really don't know how to process it all.
His current message is that he still loves me and that he wants us to be in a better place. He says he is not ready to get back together now but maybe....at some point in the future if we work hard to build up something we could. I know that he is probably just stringing me along for some reason....but why? I never know if he is being honest and I am just mistrusting or if he just feeding me a bunch of crap. He admits to being confused and not being sure of what he wants. I guess we are all in that situation at this point.
I just don't know how to let go of the feelings I still have for him nor do I know how to properly set up boundaries with him. I just feel like I am always at his mercy. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I am week and scared and have no idea how to run my life at all. I am so very lost.
~~~~~
Birdie, sometimes I want to comment on your blog but it won't work. I want to tell you that I totally understand how his words crush you and I am upset that he is not kinder. I think both you and I know that we should be stronger. Research Toxic Shame....it might help you. ((HUGS))
But some days I am just literally too busy. Other days I am just way too upset to compose anything worth while and other days I am just too ashamed or embarrassed to admit to anyone what is going on in my mind.
The only person in the world that knows it all is Friss. Talking to him daily has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He challenges my ideas and points me in the right direction. He has such a great outlook on life. He is spiritually and emotionally grounded. I am so lucky he is here for me. Funny I never thought that after years of incarceration HE would be the only stable thing in my life. I guess you just never know how things will turn out...do you?
Last week I looked into going to a therapist / counselor and discovered that it will cost $100 per visit. I just can't afford that. It is too bad because I think I have a much better handle on the root of my issues than ever before. I am also disappointed that after years and years of therapy I don't think any of the 5 different therapist I saw ever really figured out the issue I was really dealing with; Toxic Shame. I would think that maybe one of them might have been able to have some insight.
School starts on Monday so I should have more free time during the day so maybe I can blog more. I am working hard to be more balanced and aware of myself and not have those days where life is just too crushing to even chain together reasonable sentences to create a blog entry.
A few weeks ago, when I was at my brothers house over night and I couldn't sleep, I went back and read a bunch of my blog posts. They are all true but they don't really show the whole picture. I sound more reasonable and logical than I really am. The blog captures me being analytic but for the most part it falls short of expressing the emotional battles I am having. So often I can understand things logically but then I can't get my feelings to agree with my brain. I will tell Friss "I understand and agree but that doesn't mean I can do it."
Yesterday I woke up and all I could think was "I want to go home!" Meaning I just want the last 2 years of my life to disappear and go back to my husband and my family and the safety it provided. Sure I didn't get the love I deserved from him but in so many other ways I did feel safe. I felt I had a stable home for my daughter and I didn't fear that he was about to leave me or cheat on me. He wasn't all that bad, he just fell short of the ideal situation. Maybe I was too judgmental? Maybe I was greedy? I should have been counting my blessing instead of wishing for more. I was stupid. I should have never left a man I loved.
And over the past year his continued verbal claims that he still loves me just keeps me perpetually confused and emotionally balled up. I just really don't know how to process it all.
His current message is that he still loves me and that he wants us to be in a better place. He says he is not ready to get back together now but maybe....at some point in the future if we work hard to build up something we could. I know that he is probably just stringing me along for some reason....but why? I never know if he is being honest and I am just mistrusting or if he just feeding me a bunch of crap. He admits to being confused and not being sure of what he wants. I guess we are all in that situation at this point.
I just don't know how to let go of the feelings I still have for him nor do I know how to properly set up boundaries with him. I just feel like I am always at his mercy. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I am week and scared and have no idea how to run my life at all. I am so very lost.
~~~~~
Birdie, sometimes I want to comment on your blog but it won't work. I want to tell you that I totally understand how his words crush you and I am upset that he is not kinder. I think both you and I know that we should be stronger. Research Toxic Shame....it might help you. ((HUGS))
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Proud Mama
Lately seems that all my blog entries are depressing. So today, I finally have some good news to share!
My little Beanie FINALLY can ride her bike with no training wheels! I have been working with her off and on for a few years to accomplish this. Sunday morning was the day that we finally made it happen.
We started on Kevin's grandsons toddler bike because it made her feel safer on the smaller bike.
Later I got her bigger girl bike from her dad and Monday she rode it for a while.
Tuesday she went to G&G house and they took her out and purchased this fancy new bike. The girl was so excited. I spoke to her on the phone and she was the happiest kid in the universe.
My little Beanie FINALLY can ride her bike with no training wheels! I have been working with her off and on for a few years to accomplish this. Sunday morning was the day that we finally made it happen.
We started on Kevin's grandsons toddler bike because it made her feel safer on the smaller bike.
 |
| I got quite the sprint workout when she was biking down hill! |
Later I got her bigger girl bike from her dad and Monday she rode it for a while.
Tuesday she went to G&G house and they took her out and purchased this fancy new bike. The girl was so excited. I spoke to her on the phone and she was the happiest kid in the universe.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Bad Parenting
When I was born in 1965 my mother was 34 years old and my father was 40. Back then she was ancient to be starting a family. Four years later when she gave birth to my baby brother she swears the nurses all came round to actually see the old woman who had given birth. I ALWAYS had the oldest parents in my class.
My father was raised dirt poor, served in WWII, put himself through college and had already raised two kids with his former wife before I arrived. In retrospect I am sure he had no interest in having more kids.
My father was an alcoholic with very little patience for us and the whole house was always on alert to not piss him off. We walked on egg shells. My mother was co-dependent and encouraged us to be quiet and stay out of Papa's way if we knew what was good for us.
My father was quick to pop you up-side-the-head or knock you around if you angered him. He usually gave no warning and I remember as a kid that often I would have no idea why he hit me. Explanations were few and far between. My mother always told me that I didn't have it that bad given the fact that Pop had actually broken my older brothers arm during one beating. (I think my brother was about 16 and tried to fight back.)
One time I said "NO" to my father. I don't remember why I did it. I think I was just feeling relaxed and let it slip out. He chased me from one end of the house to the other and beat me with a thick yard stick as I cowered on my bed with my arms over my head. I cried so hard I almost passed out. I thought this was it....he was going to kill me. I was pretty sure he was going to kill me sooner or later.
When I was in 4th grade my father proceeded to announce that he was leaving. I don't think I understood at first that he was never coming back. But he didn't. In fact he had VERY little to do with us after that.
Now my mom was a single parent and I know she did her best but......unfortunately I don't think she ever much cared for kids nor does she have a nurturing bone in her body. She was all we had and she didn't leave us so for the most part it has been harder for me to comprehend that she also harmed me and my little brother.
She is a very intelligent woman who graduated from college in 3 years with an Electrical Engineering degree. She had quit working when I came along which was standard protocol back then. As soon as a woman started to show it was time to go.....they kicked them out of the office!
When I was a baby I think scheduled feedings were still in vogue. If I happen to be hungry I just had to wait. I am sure much crying was ignored in order to maintain the 4 hour gap. I also think that parents were told not to hold their babies too much or they would be spoiled. I believe I spend a lot of time in a playpen by myself.
I recently found out that my mother NEVER talked baby talk to us. I am sure she meant well but it is not good for a child.
Growing up we had lots and lots of rules. We weren't aloud in our parents bedroom, the office, the living room or the dining room. If my mother was in her bedroom and you needed her you were to stand in the hall and talk from the doorway as if there was an imaginary gate there. (To this date I don't walk in that room.)
We didn't dare talk while Pop was watching TV however we were usually allowed to talk during TV commercials. I remember holding back the words was HARD and when the commercials came on we would bust open talking. Of course you didn't say "NO" to your parents. We were not allowed to complain, wine or express any displeasure about anything EVER!
Comments like these were VERY common in our home:
"Why can't you be more like Johnny? Johnny is such a good kid!"
"Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about."
"You are just a kid....you can't possibly have any problems."
"What would the neighbors think............?"
"I could be doing [something fun] but instead I am stuck with you kids."
"You think you have it bad? You have no idea what bad is!"
"I don't want to hear any lip outa you!"
"If you know what is good for you, you will ...........!"
NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER HUGGED. There was very little touching going on. You didn't sit close on the couch and cuddle while watching TV. Pop had his own chair. Archie Bunker comes to mind.
When I was about 12 or so my mother went back to work. She was a single mom and she needed the money. Around this same time her mother died from cancer and my mother was also going through menopause. I am pretty sure she was on some antidepressants. To be honest she was a giant blob of goo in our house. She would cry and want me to comfort her. I remember feeling repulsed by her.
I look back now and realize she was going through a lot all by herself and I feel bad about not having more sympathy for her. But as a young teenager you really need a parent at the helm....not one who is absent or sulking.
So some time around twelve years old I was pretty much on my own. I don't think any parenting happened after that.
We lived in a nice 4 bedroom ranch home and went to the best school district. My parents were products of the great depression and they surely knew about hardship like I have never seen. They didn't mean to do anything wrong. I know that. They did their best.
But here is the thing. They told me OVER AND OVER (through actions & words) that I was not a person....that my feeling didn't exist (not that they didn't matter but that they were not supposed to be there)....that I wasn't wanted.
Hell I don't know how to heal my "inner child" cause she doesn't exist!! My parents told me so!!!!
My father was raised dirt poor, served in WWII, put himself through college and had already raised two kids with his former wife before I arrived. In retrospect I am sure he had no interest in having more kids.
My father was an alcoholic with very little patience for us and the whole house was always on alert to not piss him off. We walked on egg shells. My mother was co-dependent and encouraged us to be quiet and stay out of Papa's way if we knew what was good for us.
My father was quick to pop you up-side-the-head or knock you around if you angered him. He usually gave no warning and I remember as a kid that often I would have no idea why he hit me. Explanations were few and far between. My mother always told me that I didn't have it that bad given the fact that Pop had actually broken my older brothers arm during one beating. (I think my brother was about 16 and tried to fight back.)
One time I said "NO" to my father. I don't remember why I did it. I think I was just feeling relaxed and let it slip out. He chased me from one end of the house to the other and beat me with a thick yard stick as I cowered on my bed with my arms over my head. I cried so hard I almost passed out. I thought this was it....he was going to kill me. I was pretty sure he was going to kill me sooner or later.
When I was in 4th grade my father proceeded to announce that he was leaving. I don't think I understood at first that he was never coming back. But he didn't. In fact he had VERY little to do with us after that.
Now my mom was a single parent and I know she did her best but......unfortunately I don't think she ever much cared for kids nor does she have a nurturing bone in her body. She was all we had and she didn't leave us so for the most part it has been harder for me to comprehend that she also harmed me and my little brother.
She is a very intelligent woman who graduated from college in 3 years with an Electrical Engineering degree. She had quit working when I came along which was standard protocol back then. As soon as a woman started to show it was time to go.....they kicked them out of the office!
When I was a baby I think scheduled feedings were still in vogue. If I happen to be hungry I just had to wait. I am sure much crying was ignored in order to maintain the 4 hour gap. I also think that parents were told not to hold their babies too much or they would be spoiled. I believe I spend a lot of time in a playpen by myself.
I recently found out that my mother NEVER talked baby talk to us. I am sure she meant well but it is not good for a child.
Growing up we had lots and lots of rules. We weren't aloud in our parents bedroom, the office, the living room or the dining room. If my mother was in her bedroom and you needed her you were to stand in the hall and talk from the doorway as if there was an imaginary gate there. (To this date I don't walk in that room.)
We didn't dare talk while Pop was watching TV however we were usually allowed to talk during TV commercials. I remember holding back the words was HARD and when the commercials came on we would bust open talking. Of course you didn't say "NO" to your parents. We were not allowed to complain, wine or express any displeasure about anything EVER!
Comments like these were VERY common in our home:
"Why can't you be more like Johnny? Johnny is such a good kid!"
"Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about."
"You are just a kid....you can't possibly have any problems."
"What would the neighbors think............?"
"I could be doing [something fun] but instead I am stuck with you kids."
"You think you have it bad? You have no idea what bad is!"
"I don't want to hear any lip outa you!"
"If you know what is good for you, you will ...........!"
NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER HUGGED. There was very little touching going on. You didn't sit close on the couch and cuddle while watching TV. Pop had his own chair. Archie Bunker comes to mind.
When I was about 12 or so my mother went back to work. She was a single mom and she needed the money. Around this same time her mother died from cancer and my mother was also going through menopause. I am pretty sure she was on some antidepressants. To be honest she was a giant blob of goo in our house. She would cry and want me to comfort her. I remember feeling repulsed by her.
I look back now and realize she was going through a lot all by herself and I feel bad about not having more sympathy for her. But as a young teenager you really need a parent at the helm....not one who is absent or sulking.
So some time around twelve years old I was pretty much on my own. I don't think any parenting happened after that.
We lived in a nice 4 bedroom ranch home and went to the best school district. My parents were products of the great depression and they surely knew about hardship like I have never seen. They didn't mean to do anything wrong. I know that. They did their best.
But here is the thing. They told me OVER AND OVER (through actions & words) that I was not a person....that my feeling didn't exist (not that they didn't matter but that they were not supposed to be there)....that I wasn't wanted.
Hell I don't know how to heal my "inner child" cause she doesn't exist!! My parents told me so!!!!
Thursday, August 6, 2015
I found the book on YouTube!
So I am fairly confident that I have finally, after 15 years of searching, figured out what is wrong with me. This book explains how not getting my emotional needs met as a child has left me flawed and defective. It is called Toxic Shame and it is not healthy.
I really think it might be helpful to a lot of people who are struggling with relationships and self worth.
Go <<< here >>>> to watch a 6 part video where he basically explains the first half of this book.
I really think it might be helpful to a lot of people who are struggling with relationships and self worth.
Go <<< here >>>> to watch a 6 part video where he basically explains the first half of this book.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Sunday - A new day....A new begining
I woke up and immediately regretted it.
Don't you hate when life is so shitty you would rather be unconscious?
I went downstairs (where Kevin is staying) and tried to make nice. Really, I do not want to war with this man. truth be told, I just don't know what to do. My natural instinct, as my parents taught me is to put up with anything he wants. The new and improved me knows I should NOT put up with any BS from him. In between these two options is where I actually fall. I want to be strong but then again I am not good at it. I still just long for love and peace. For God's sake....I was raised in the 60s! I am a lover not a fighter!
Peace on earth and goodwill towards all!
Beanie was home so there were not big scenes playing out. The kid just wanted to watch the Simpson's on DVD and she did not want to do ANYTHING else. Boring!!!.............but what ever. I humored her and we watched the Simpson's for hours.
Blah
Finally, mid afternoon I talked her into going swimming (it was 90 degrees outside) at the lake. The only way I could convince her to go was to call her Dad who agreed to meet us there. Last time we went to the lake she swam to the floating dock which is 37 yards out into the lake. That is a long way for a 7 year old and she handled it like a champ. I was proud and wanted Daddy to see what we had accomplished. She did too.
We met at 3 p.m. and the girl showed him some skills. Then she acted goofy and annoying and I was a bit embarrassed. I was glad he wasn't a date cause the kid would have been a deal breaker. Anyhow, he told me she is *crazy* like that all the time for him. So I found out that her normal, smart kid mode with me does not carry over to Daddy's house where she vies for attention and acts a bit outlandish.
Good I thought.... I hope she annoys the crap out of Roslyn.
Around 5 p.m. we decided to leave and JDK took the kid home. I was hoping to come home and spend a relaxing evening with Kevin and just have no stress. I guess I needed the old Kevin to be there for me given I had been around the ex and was a bit *tense* because of it.
Golly was my expectation all wrong. I got home to find a pissed off Kevin packing to leave town. He had driven by the lake and saw me with the ex and was furious. I reminded him that I had not cheated and that he had and that his current rant was so far out in left field that I wouldn't even argue it with him.
I'll spare you the details but the rest of the night was sucky. We fought and argued and so much bull shit was drug up that I am too embarrassed to tell you it all.
I guess I really didn't know this man despite the HOURS and hours of talking and dating for a year and a half. I am an idiot for getting myself into this mess.
I promise I won't trust anyone ever again. (I said this at 19 and kept mostly true to it until Kevin......yeah.....I suck.)
Don't you hate when life is so shitty you would rather be unconscious?
I went downstairs (where Kevin is staying) and tried to make nice. Really, I do not want to war with this man. truth be told, I just don't know what to do. My natural instinct, as my parents taught me is to put up with anything he wants. The new and improved me knows I should NOT put up with any BS from him. In between these two options is where I actually fall. I want to be strong but then again I am not good at it. I still just long for love and peace. For God's sake....I was raised in the 60s! I am a lover not a fighter!
Peace on earth and goodwill towards all!
Beanie was home so there were not big scenes playing out. The kid just wanted to watch the Simpson's on DVD and she did not want to do ANYTHING else. Boring!!!.............but what ever. I humored her and we watched the Simpson's for hours.
Blah
Finally, mid afternoon I talked her into going swimming (it was 90 degrees outside) at the lake. The only way I could convince her to go was to call her Dad who agreed to meet us there. Last time we went to the lake she swam to the floating dock which is 37 yards out into the lake. That is a long way for a 7 year old and she handled it like a champ. I was proud and wanted Daddy to see what we had accomplished. She did too.
We met at 3 p.m. and the girl showed him some skills. Then she acted goofy and annoying and I was a bit embarrassed. I was glad he wasn't a date cause the kid would have been a deal breaker. Anyhow, he told me she is *crazy* like that all the time for him. So I found out that her normal, smart kid mode with me does not carry over to Daddy's house where she vies for attention and acts a bit outlandish.
Good I thought.... I hope she annoys the crap out of Roslyn.
Around 5 p.m. we decided to leave and JDK took the kid home. I was hoping to come home and spend a relaxing evening with Kevin and just have no stress. I guess I needed the old Kevin to be there for me given I had been around the ex and was a bit *tense* because of it.
Golly was my expectation all wrong. I got home to find a pissed off Kevin packing to leave town. He had driven by the lake and saw me with the ex and was furious. I reminded him that I had not cheated and that he had and that his current rant was so far out in left field that I wouldn't even argue it with him.
I'll spare you the details but the rest of the night was sucky. We fought and argued and so much bull shit was drug up that I am too embarrassed to tell you it all.
I guess I really didn't know this man despite the HOURS and hours of talking and dating for a year and a half. I am an idiot for getting myself into this mess.
I promise I won't trust anyone ever again. (I said this at 19 and kept mostly true to it until Kevin......yeah.....I suck.)
Saturday, August 1, 2015
CHANGE of plan.....NOT GOOD
He came home last night and told me that the motorcycle was still in the shop and he would not be going on his trip. He was pissed and I was kind. I soothed him because he was sad. I know he really wanted to go.
(Although I have to admit that I am a wee bit suspicious that he suddenly had an issue that kept him from leaving now that he know I do not want to go!?!?)
He said the dealership would get to it on Saturday so if it was an easy fix he might get it back today. I hoped they would but he said it was VERY iffy.
I got up this morning and ran with Stina. That's right!!! She is back. Her baby is now 2 months old and she is working back into the normal routine which includes running with ME! Woot Woot.
After that I cleaned up and went to chill with my friend Valarie at her neighborhood pool. We drank wine and ordered take out and had a good time.
I returned home around 3 pm to find a pissy ass Kevin who informed me that the motorcycle would not be ready until Tuesday. So he was FOR SURE not making his dream voyage to Sturgis.
He was in a shit ass mood and I was NOT up for it.
I asked him what the backup plan was and he had no idea.; said he may just lay around the house all week. (he had taken the full week off work and wanted nothing to do with actually just going into work and making a different vacation schedule.)
I have to be honest now...and tell you...that the thought of spending a whole week with this depressed man was overwhelming and I wasn't kind.
I told him that I could not and would not put up with him moping around the house all week; that I was hoping, NO, counting on the break from the drama so he really needed to have a different plan for his week off cause I am NOT OK with him staying here.
The argument was intense and draining and I finally fled the house out of some sort of self preservation goal.
GET AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE THAT HURT YOU GOD DAMNIT
I fucked up though because I had no where to go but to pick up my daughter at her Dads house. You know, the house I used to live in, where he now resides with his amazing, awesome girlfriend and there cute little blue eyed black fuzzy puppy. Anyway....it was overwhelmingly depressing to go there as you can imagine.
I drove home thinking that suicide is something I really need to rethink..... I really would rather just not do ANY OF THIS!
(Although I have to admit that I am a wee bit suspicious that he suddenly had an issue that kept him from leaving now that he know I do not want to go!?!?)
He said the dealership would get to it on Saturday so if it was an easy fix he might get it back today. I hoped they would but he said it was VERY iffy.
I got up this morning and ran with Stina. That's right!!! She is back. Her baby is now 2 months old and she is working back into the normal routine which includes running with ME! Woot Woot.
After that I cleaned up and went to chill with my friend Valarie at her neighborhood pool. We drank wine and ordered take out and had a good time.
I returned home around 3 pm to find a pissy ass Kevin who informed me that the motorcycle would not be ready until Tuesday. So he was FOR SURE not making his dream voyage to Sturgis.
He was in a shit ass mood and I was NOT up for it.
I asked him what the backup plan was and he had no idea.; said he may just lay around the house all week. (he had taken the full week off work and wanted nothing to do with actually just going into work and making a different vacation schedule.)
I have to be honest now...and tell you...that the thought of spending a whole week with this depressed man was overwhelming and I wasn't kind.
I told him that I could not and would not put up with him moping around the house all week; that I was hoping, NO, counting on the break from the drama so he really needed to have a different plan for his week off cause I am NOT OK with him staying here.
The argument was intense and draining and I finally fled the house out of some sort of self preservation goal.
GET AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE THAT HURT YOU GOD DAMNIT
I fucked up though because I had no where to go but to pick up my daughter at her Dads house. You know, the house I used to live in, where he now resides with his amazing, awesome girlfriend and there cute little blue eyed black fuzzy puppy. Anyway....it was overwhelmingly depressing to go there as you can imagine.
I drove home thinking that suicide is something I really need to rethink..... I really would rather just not do ANY OF THIS!
Friday, July 31, 2015
Sturgis - A trip we had planned over a year ago
Yesterday I drove home from visiting my brother and on the highway I saw all the motorcycles headed to Sturgis; bike after bike with a pack on the back headed west to the rally.
It made me want to go to soooo badly. I love to climb on the back of his bike, wrap my legs & arms around him and head out on an adventure. I know I have posted here before.....but our first date was on his motorcycle and I do love riding with him.
I got home from a very nice visit with my brother........
then I grabbed my bicycle (no motor other than my legs) and met some friends for an amazing group ride. The weather was PERFECT! (average 20 mph!)
Back home I was hoping to find Kevin in a good mood and maybe, just MAYBE we could be "OK" and I would go along on vacation.
But NO....he got home around 8 p.m. and marched into our home so very full of negativity. He was unpleasant and a jerk. I do not like this man. He is too much like JDK. There is no way I would cuddle up behind this man for hours and hours of highway time to travel to Sturgis. Fuck that!
So we went to bed and then Friday morning I sat him down and I said:
"Listen, I was really wanting to go on this trip with you but you talked me out of it very quickly."
He looked confused and asked when we discussed it.
I told him "oh...we didn't discuss it specifically, but your negative attitude is really making me want to stay away from you so why would I want to go on vacation with you....especially on something as intimate as a motorcycle?"
I explained that if he really wanted to fix things he would be sweet, loving and kind. He would kiss me and make love to me and show me how much I meant to him. I reminded him that he had broke our connection (trust) and it was up to HIM to rebuild it. I am not going to beg for this....he will have to work for it. It is the only way to make it WHOLE again.
I told him to think about us while on his vacation and decide what he really wants. If he wants *US* he need to court me and woo me and win me over all over again. Or if he doesn't...that's fine.....lets get this house listed and get on with our lives!
It made me want to go to soooo badly. I love to climb on the back of his bike, wrap my legs & arms around him and head out on an adventure. I know I have posted here before.....but our first date was on his motorcycle and I do love riding with him.
I got home from a very nice visit with my brother........
 |
| A picture is worth a thousand words. |
Back home I was hoping to find Kevin in a good mood and maybe, just MAYBE we could be "OK" and I would go along on vacation.
But NO....he got home around 8 p.m. and marched into our home so very full of negativity. He was unpleasant and a jerk. I do not like this man. He is too much like JDK. There is no way I would cuddle up behind this man for hours and hours of highway time to travel to Sturgis. Fuck that!
So we went to bed and then Friday morning I sat him down and I said:
"Listen, I was really wanting to go on this trip with you but you talked me out of it very quickly."
He looked confused and asked when we discussed it.
I told him "oh...we didn't discuss it specifically, but your negative attitude is really making me want to stay away from you so why would I want to go on vacation with you....especially on something as intimate as a motorcycle?"
I explained that if he really wanted to fix things he would be sweet, loving and kind. He would kiss me and make love to me and show me how much I meant to him. I reminded him that he had broke our connection (trust) and it was up to HIM to rebuild it. I am not going to beg for this....he will have to work for it. It is the only way to make it WHOLE again.
I told him to think about us while on his vacation and decide what he really wants. If he wants *US* he need to court me and woo me and win me over all over again. Or if he doesn't...that's fine.....lets get this house listed and get on with our lives!
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Book: "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw
Friss recommended this book and I just started reading it but I have already found it relevant. I know the book is striking a cord with me because it has almost brought me to tears more than once.
I am learning more and more about what a poor job my parents did and how it has created such a host of issues for me that I can't escape no matter what I do..
I used to think my issues all stemmed from my father abandoning me but I am learning that neither of them supported me emotionally probably from the day I was born.
My mother didn't like kids, especially girls and I don't think she ever really acted happy to have us. My father had already raised two kids and just wasn't interested. So most of the basics in the emotional arena were missing. We had a nice home in a good school district but we didn't feel loved or wanted.
I plan to start spending more time blogging about the things I am doing to fix my brokenness and less time bitching about men.
But not now because today, we are going to visit my younger brother!
I am learning more and more about what a poor job my parents did and how it has created such a host of issues for me that I can't escape no matter what I do..
I used to think my issues all stemmed from my father abandoning me but I am learning that neither of them supported me emotionally probably from the day I was born.
My mother didn't like kids, especially girls and I don't think she ever really acted happy to have us. My father had already raised two kids and just wasn't interested. So most of the basics in the emotional arena were missing. We had a nice home in a good school district but we didn't feel loved or wanted.
I plan to start spending more time blogging about the things I am doing to fix my brokenness and less time bitching about men.
But not now because today, we are going to visit my younger brother!
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Hero to Zero
Kevin stayed in a hotel for a week and returned home Sunday night. I haven't told him that I am 99% sure that "we" are over. I am just letting some time pass and waiting to see how I feel and how he acts.
There is no reason to rush a decision and I would like to find a job before I really make a stink with the guy who is paying most of the bills.
The week he was gone (and Beanie was at camp) I got a lot accomplished on the house just in case we want to list it soon. I finished painting my chest/hutch which had been a work in progress sprawled out in the basement since the day we moved. I painted 3-4 coats all by hand and it was a lot of work. There are tons of nooks and crannies on that thing.
I also cleared out and sorted a few closets that had become dumping grounds to hide junk.
The sad thing is, my favorite thing about Kevin was that he made me feel safe and loved and cared for. Now, even though he tells me daily he loves me it sure doesn't feel that way. I always think to myself "well if you really loved me you wouldn't have been fucking a 23 year old behind my back now would you?"
These are some of the things that run through my mind. I know some are mean, I don't say them out loud...... but hey he was mean to cheat on me.
1) He is nothing but a broke, fat, middle aged man who doesn't have much going for him except a decent paying job and ironically (moronically) he can't wait to quit that job.
2) How would he feel if his 25 year old daughter's 50 year old boss was carrying on with her like he did with his 23 year old employee?
3) He lays in bed until 8 or 9 am and then bitches that his job is too stressful. Really? You are just fucking lazy!
4) He isn't even good in bed.....he seems to have no desire to have sex with me. Really what is there to love about him?
Ever since he gave me back the money I loaned him he has been trying to get me to pay for more stuff. Monday night we had a BIG fight about it. I agreed to some but then he pushed me to pay him back for house payments he already made. He said he is worried about his financial future because I am probably just going to dump him anyway. Well here's is the thing; I did him a HUGE favor to loan him that money. I didn't charge him interest and quite frankly that was money I should have had in a 401K or at least the stock market. If I had not loaned it to him he would not even know it exists. It isn't automatically his right to have at my savings just because he now know I have some. I was trying to do what was best for us and OUR future and now it is coming back to bite me. Fuck him!
Besides, he should have been smarter with his money in the past.
Lately he seems like a man child to me. He wants to buy a new truck and a new motorcycle and hasn't been looking for a new job at all. He just buys new toys and doesn't save for the future.
I told him that asking me to dip into my savings to help pay bills because he cheated on me and I don't trust him is really not the way to make things BETTER around here. It would be like me expecting him to take money out of his 401K to help me out after I cheated on him. I don't think he would be agreeable to that.
So he is grumpy and sad or he acts like nothing happened. Neither impress me. I think he should be working to makes things better and show me he is sorry. He did that for maybe a week. Well a week doesn't cut it.
I hope we can get along and work together to get out of this mess as "whole" as possible. I think he will want that too. I don't think he will be a total dick.
I asked him to sign a promissory note saying I get my $ back in full out of the house sale. He refused. I also asked him to put his tablet back to the old password so I would feel safe. he has not.
PS - Lately he leaves for work late, comes home at 5 and hasn't been bitching at all about his job. Maybe the stress was really related to the fact that his smoopie was gone and he was just missing her?
There is no reason to rush a decision and I would like to find a job before I really make a stink with the guy who is paying most of the bills.
The week he was gone (and Beanie was at camp) I got a lot accomplished on the house just in case we want to list it soon. I finished painting my chest/hutch which had been a work in progress sprawled out in the basement since the day we moved. I painted 3-4 coats all by hand and it was a lot of work. There are tons of nooks and crannies on that thing.
The sad thing is, my favorite thing about Kevin was that he made me feel safe and loved and cared for. Now, even though he tells me daily he loves me it sure doesn't feel that way. I always think to myself "well if you really loved me you wouldn't have been fucking a 23 year old behind my back now would you?"
These are some of the things that run through my mind. I know some are mean, I don't say them out loud...... but hey he was mean to cheat on me.
1) He is nothing but a broke, fat, middle aged man who doesn't have much going for him except a decent paying job and ironically (moronically) he can't wait to quit that job.
2) How would he feel if his 25 year old daughter's 50 year old boss was carrying on with her like he did with his 23 year old employee?
3) He lays in bed until 8 or 9 am and then bitches that his job is too stressful. Really? You are just fucking lazy!
4) He isn't even good in bed.....he seems to have no desire to have sex with me. Really what is there to love about him?
Ever since he gave me back the money I loaned him he has been trying to get me to pay for more stuff. Monday night we had a BIG fight about it. I agreed to some but then he pushed me to pay him back for house payments he already made. He said he is worried about his financial future because I am probably just going to dump him anyway. Well here's is the thing; I did him a HUGE favor to loan him that money. I didn't charge him interest and quite frankly that was money I should have had in a 401K or at least the stock market. If I had not loaned it to him he would not even know it exists. It isn't automatically his right to have at my savings just because he now know I have some. I was trying to do what was best for us and OUR future and now it is coming back to bite me. Fuck him!
Besides, he should have been smarter with his money in the past.
Lately he seems like a man child to me. He wants to buy a new truck and a new motorcycle and hasn't been looking for a new job at all. He just buys new toys and doesn't save for the future.
I told him that asking me to dip into my savings to help pay bills because he cheated on me and I don't trust him is really not the way to make things BETTER around here. It would be like me expecting him to take money out of his 401K to help me out after I cheated on him. I don't think he would be agreeable to that.
So he is grumpy and sad or he acts like nothing happened. Neither impress me. I think he should be working to makes things better and show me he is sorry. He did that for maybe a week. Well a week doesn't cut it.
I hope we can get along and work together to get out of this mess as "whole" as possible. I think he will want that too. I don't think he will be a total dick.
I asked him to sign a promissory note saying I get my $ back in full out of the house sale. He refused. I also asked him to put his tablet back to the old password so I would feel safe. he has not.
PS - Lately he leaves for work late, comes home at 5 and hasn't been bitching at all about his job. Maybe the stress was really related to the fact that his smoopie was gone and he was just missing her?
Monday, July 27, 2015
Employment Woes
I got there on time and the interview went well. I know I have the necessary skills to do the job. I passed there test with flying colors. I enjoyed chatting with people and hopefully came off as confident and agreeable. However, I am not the best at selling myself and I am sure I said a few things that were maybe too honest or not what they wanted to hear. Before I left no one asked for my references or my salary requirements.
I didn't want the job anyway. It is out in middle of no where so there would be no running to the gym or running errands at lunch time. Also, the lady in charge, that would be my boss and I would be in line to replace when she retires was not a good fit for me. The company is solid and I am sure the pay they will offer will be a nice salary but I know it is not the job for me. They would expect me to be married to it. In fact, I told them I have a 7 year old and need to balance that with my job. I am sure that is NOT what they are looking for.
I cried all the way home. Partly because I think I was just relieved to have it over with but also because I know that finding a good job here in this smaller town will not be easy. Most jobs fall into two categories 1) work your ass off and have your job be your whole life or 2) $12 / hour bookkeeper with no benefits. Sucks that this is what parents have to choose from.
I also cried because my Hero is dead and I miss him. I miss being able to call Kevin and feel loved and validated. I've lost my safe place.
I didn't want the job anyway. It is out in middle of no where so there would be no running to the gym or running errands at lunch time. Also, the lady in charge, that would be my boss and I would be in line to replace when she retires was not a good fit for me. The company is solid and I am sure the pay they will offer will be a nice salary but I know it is not the job for me. They would expect me to be married to it. In fact, I told them I have a 7 year old and need to balance that with my job. I am sure that is NOT what they are looking for.
I cried all the way home. Partly because I think I was just relieved to have it over with but also because I know that finding a good job here in this smaller town will not be easy. Most jobs fall into two categories 1) work your ass off and have your job be your whole life or 2) $12 / hour bookkeeper with no benefits. Sucks that this is what parents have to choose from.
I also cried because my Hero is dead and I miss him. I miss being able to call Kevin and feel loved and validated. I've lost my safe place.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Job
I have spent the last few hours preparing for a job interview I have tomorrow. The job interview is scheduled to last for 6 hours and quite frankly I dread it. I think I will do fine...I hope I do fine...but still, when you are expected to "shine" for that long it gets a bit scary. Evidently there are some skills tests and quizzes involved as well as multiple interviews. It has been a while since I was on a real interview so I feel VERY out of practice.
Also, there is the whole issue of whether or not I will sleep tonight. Last night I had a good nights sleep. It is probably only the 2nd night I slept well since the beginning of July when I accidently had access to JDK's email account. I have been so stressed and upset that I am not feeling very strong or confident about myself and that is a concern going into tomorrow grueling day long interrogation.
Kevin has been staying at a hotel since I kicked him out Saturday (or was it Sunday?) which has been good for me. Not being around him, his tablet or his phone have been a much needed break from the drama. He is planning on coming home this Sunday after visiting his daughter for the weekend. We can't afford for him to live in a hotel any longer and he has chosen not to stay with family or friends (which would be more affordable) because he doesn't want to explain what is going on.
I on the other hand have told most of my close friends and some of my family. I always feel they can tell I am being "off" and it is just simpler to fess up to my reality. I even told JDK things were messed up but didn't give him any of the details. He kindly offered to keep Beanie more if it will help. I actually took him up on it and requested he keep her tonight so I can focus on the interview tomorrow morning and not deal with getting her off to day camp.
Yesterday I made it to the gym and enjoyed lifting weights. I had been lifting pretty regularly in June and had started to see some results and it was upsetting that I was letting that progress slide. Last night I did a short 23 mile bike ride so that was also a very good thing. It kept me from sitting on my butt with a glass of wine feeling sad.
This morning I got up and ran for the first time since July 4th. I was slow and didn't feel good at all but I chose to focus on enjoying the company of some old friends and just moving my body. I know that exercise is the best thing I can do for myself.
In other good news I got on the scale and I am down a few pounds. Being so upset you feel sick will certainly curtail your eating habits. I have also been trying to eat more protein and less crap since I knew I was not eating as much food. It is paying off.
Today I took a few quick breaks from my job interview research to read blogs out on my wonderful screened in porch that I love so much. The weather has been beautiful the last few days and I have made it a point to get out and enjoy it. It is not often that the high is only 80 degrees in July.
At the same time I sit out there enjoying my house (that I know I will need to leave) I see the stay-at-home moms streaming in and out of the neighborhood pool with their little ones and I am wracked with jealousy. They are so lucky to have the chance to spend so much time with their kids. I know that once I start working full time again I won't see much of Beanie and I will see even less of the bigger kids. I won't get to talk to Friss daily anymore either. Sucks. I will be rushed and have more to do than I can possibly get done. It won't be fun at all.
I was so looking forward to this July and dreaming that me and Beanie would swim and do crafts and have a lot of good times together. Instead the month has been a disaster and even when she is here I am not at my best.
In an attempt to save a little bit of summer, next week I have a playdate / swim date planned for beanie and some friends on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday we will go to Kansas City to visit my brother and return the stupid night stand that Kevin wanted so badly when we first moved in. I drove all the way out there and got it two days before D-day. I thought he would be thrilled but he could barely look up when I got home. I think he was on the couch texting the GF. We never even brought it in from the garage. Anyway, it was about $250 so at least we will save that money.
Visiting my brother is always fun. He knows all the cool things to do and he will pay. I missed the family reunion this year because of D-day so that was also a bummer. I had been looking forward to seeing all the kids in Arkansas and staying in a hotel with Beanie. She was so excited to stay in a hotel.
Also, there is the whole issue of whether or not I will sleep tonight. Last night I had a good nights sleep. It is probably only the 2nd night I slept well since the beginning of July when I accidently had access to JDK's email account. I have been so stressed and upset that I am not feeling very strong or confident about myself and that is a concern going into tomorrow grueling day long interrogation.
Kevin has been staying at a hotel since I kicked him out Saturday (or was it Sunday?) which has been good for me. Not being around him, his tablet or his phone have been a much needed break from the drama. He is planning on coming home this Sunday after visiting his daughter for the weekend. We can't afford for him to live in a hotel any longer and he has chosen not to stay with family or friends (which would be more affordable) because he doesn't want to explain what is going on.
I on the other hand have told most of my close friends and some of my family. I always feel they can tell I am being "off" and it is just simpler to fess up to my reality. I even told JDK things were messed up but didn't give him any of the details. He kindly offered to keep Beanie more if it will help. I actually took him up on it and requested he keep her tonight so I can focus on the interview tomorrow morning and not deal with getting her off to day camp.
Yesterday I made it to the gym and enjoyed lifting weights. I had been lifting pretty regularly in June and had started to see some results and it was upsetting that I was letting that progress slide. Last night I did a short 23 mile bike ride so that was also a very good thing. It kept me from sitting on my butt with a glass of wine feeling sad.
This morning I got up and ran for the first time since July 4th. I was slow and didn't feel good at all but I chose to focus on enjoying the company of some old friends and just moving my body. I know that exercise is the best thing I can do for myself.
In other good news I got on the scale and I am down a few pounds. Being so upset you feel sick will certainly curtail your eating habits. I have also been trying to eat more protein and less crap since I knew I was not eating as much food. It is paying off.
Today I took a few quick breaks from my job interview research to read blogs out on my wonderful screened in porch that I love so much. The weather has been beautiful the last few days and I have made it a point to get out and enjoy it. It is not often that the high is only 80 degrees in July.
At the same time I sit out there enjoying my house (that I know I will need to leave) I see the stay-at-home moms streaming in and out of the neighborhood pool with their little ones and I am wracked with jealousy. They are so lucky to have the chance to spend so much time with their kids. I know that once I start working full time again I won't see much of Beanie and I will see even less of the bigger kids. I won't get to talk to Friss daily anymore either. Sucks. I will be rushed and have more to do than I can possibly get done. It won't be fun at all.
I was so looking forward to this July and dreaming that me and Beanie would swim and do crafts and have a lot of good times together. Instead the month has been a disaster and even when she is here I am not at my best.
In an attempt to save a little bit of summer, next week I have a playdate / swim date planned for beanie and some friends on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday we will go to Kansas City to visit my brother and return the stupid night stand that Kevin wanted so badly when we first moved in. I drove all the way out there and got it two days before D-day. I thought he would be thrilled but he could barely look up when I got home. I think he was on the couch texting the GF. We never even brought it in from the garage. Anyway, it was about $250 so at least we will save that money.
Visiting my brother is always fun. He knows all the cool things to do and he will pay. I missed the family reunion this year because of D-day so that was also a bummer. I had been looking forward to seeing all the kids in Arkansas and staying in a hotel with Beanie. She was so excited to stay in a hotel.
Portland
This morning at my morning run I had the pleasure of running with an old friend who has been living in China for the last three years. She is back for a visit and to take care of some medical issues for her 4 year old son. She is an attorney and her ex husband lives in Washington DC. She filled me in on how she has the boy during the school year and Daddy keeps him for a month in the summer and it works out very well for them.
Now I am more seriously thinking about bringing Beanie with me to Portland! I mean the only reason I wouldn't want to go is because I wouldn't want to leave her behind. The only reason I wouldn't take her is I worry about how she will handle such a big move and how I will cope as a single parent with no family nearby.
This morning on NPR they had an article about cycling in Portland and it really got me pumped up.
So my current plan is to get a job here, sell this house and squirrel away money so after the school year is over me and Beanie can make a fresh start in a bigger city with more opportunities and a better climate.
I don't think many people really understand that the small town I live in now is in the middle of the Midwest bible belt and there are not very many good jobs to be had. It is steaming hot and buggy all summer, I am sick with allergies in the spring and then winter is a stupid ice fest. I hate the weather here! On top of that, I would be surprised if you could find one single bachelor who is my age and doesn't have some major issues like drug addiction, alcoholic, narcissist, gigolo, pathetic and helpless or they just flat out are stupid hillbillies with no teeth.
Anyhow, the point is if I stay here my life is limited and isolated and unless something really dramatically changes I will not stay here for more than another year.
I deserve a better life and it is time to start doing things for ME!
I will be 50 years old in just one month and I can't keep waiting for something good to happen. I need to MAKE it happen.
My life is more than half over and I have spent the last 15 years just surviving. SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE!!
Now I am more seriously thinking about bringing Beanie with me to Portland! I mean the only reason I wouldn't want to go is because I wouldn't want to leave her behind. The only reason I wouldn't take her is I worry about how she will handle such a big move and how I will cope as a single parent with no family nearby.
This morning on NPR they had an article about cycling in Portland and it really got me pumped up.
So my current plan is to get a job here, sell this house and squirrel away money so after the school year is over me and Beanie can make a fresh start in a bigger city with more opportunities and a better climate.
I don't think many people really understand that the small town I live in now is in the middle of the Midwest bible belt and there are not very many good jobs to be had. It is steaming hot and buggy all summer, I am sick with allergies in the spring and then winter is a stupid ice fest. I hate the weather here! On top of that, I would be surprised if you could find one single bachelor who is my age and doesn't have some major issues like drug addiction, alcoholic, narcissist, gigolo, pathetic and helpless or they just flat out are stupid hillbillies with no teeth.
Anyhow, the point is if I stay here my life is limited and isolated and unless something really dramatically changes I will not stay here for more than another year.
I deserve a better life and it is time to start doing things for ME!
I will be 50 years old in just one month and I can't keep waiting for something good to happen. I need to MAKE it happen.
My life is more than half over and I have spent the last 15 years just surviving. SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE!!
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Clarity
Last night I went to bed determined to sleep. I took my allergy meds and they did the trick for a while. It was about 1:30 am when I woke up and composed this email to Kevin (who is staying somewhere else but won't tell me where.)
"The more I think about it the more I am starting to understand that on some level (subconscious or not) you did this because you didn't really want things to work out between us.
I think the reality of starting over with a new family was more than you could take. Maybe if I didn't have Beanie u would have been OK?....I don't know.
I think you really want to be by yourself; want the simple future u had been planning all these years. I believe you stayed in touch with her because u just had to make sure I left you.......you desperately needed an out.
I think we could have been happy....had a good life together. I'm sorry u r too scared to even try.
My heart is truly broken.
Seriously.... leaving someone you love so much sucks more than anything in the world!
I see now though that I wasn't the magic love that took u out of seclusion. I think we both wanted me to be that person but in the long run you can't allow anybody to be that person.
The fact that she's not even really an option makes it even more obvious.
I hope u will be kind to me. Help me move. Not steel my money, etc."
He told me yesterday that if I left him he was going to buy a small condo (they are basically two bedroom apartments) and rent a space for his tractor, etc. He had it all figured out. He seemed happy enough with his new plan.
I also went in the closet and hugged his clothes again. I am not mad at him. I am just sad that he didn't know what he really wanted and it has put us both in this terrible place.
~~~~~
This morning I woke up alone in this house feeling overwhelmed with despair. It is just too much of a repeat of what happened after Rocco left. I woke up to an empty house knowing that the person I had thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had decided that they didn't want me anymore. Back then I cried for months! Today I have no tears. I just feel hollow....and sad.
I was a single mom with Friss and a single mom with M&R and I just can't even stomach the thought of going back to that. Getting a rental and a full time job and spending the next 10 years grinding away on the same hamster wheel that was my life before makes me not want to live. When M&R were growing up and I was living alone (I did have a few good roommates which probably saved my life) I was almost always on the verge of suicide. I hated my life so much. I was so depressed. Now I am older and quite frankly more depressed to start with. At least back then I was young and fit.
I don't know what I am going to do. I am seriously toying with the idea of moving to Portland. I have always wanted to live there but didn't go before because of M&R. I knew they needed me because there dad is basically useless.
I have a friend that lives there now and I know other people that have relocated to the NW and love it. Maybe it's time for big changes. When the house sells I will have a tidy sum of money to start a new life.
The ONLY reason I am not jumping up and down excited about this option is Beanie. I would probably have to leave her with JDK. I don't think moving her across the country is what she needs right now. She needs to go to the school she loves (she simply can not wait for school to start up again) and be near G&G and her dad. He has Roslyn now so she basically has a family that I know will provide for her and take very good care of her.
She can come visit me in the summer time I suppose............or move up there once I am settled.
I know it seems like a pretty far out plan but honestly I think it is time for some BIG changes. I just don't think I can stay here. The thought is just sooooooo depressing.
Don't worry I wont do anything rash. Just thinking out loud........brainstorming.
"The more I think about it the more I am starting to understand that on some level (subconscious or not) you did this because you didn't really want things to work out between us.
I think the reality of starting over with a new family was more than you could take. Maybe if I didn't have Beanie u would have been OK?....I don't know.
I think you really want to be by yourself; want the simple future u had been planning all these years. I believe you stayed in touch with her because u just had to make sure I left you.......you desperately needed an out.
I think we could have been happy....had a good life together. I'm sorry u r too scared to even try.
My heart is truly broken.
Seriously.... leaving someone you love so much sucks more than anything in the world!
I see now though that I wasn't the magic love that took u out of seclusion. I think we both wanted me to be that person but in the long run you can't allow anybody to be that person.
The fact that she's not even really an option makes it even more obvious.
I hope u will be kind to me. Help me move. Not steel my money, etc."
Sunday, July 19, 2015
The Tablet
His iPad is how I first found the evidence that proved beyond any doubt that he had sex with his 23 year old manager-in-training and that he was constantly texting her lovey dovey crap even though she has since moved all the way to Australia.
One of the first things I did when I found out, as I was crying and wondering about the house in horror, was go in the closet and hug his clothes. I know that sounds weird but I thought he was leaving me and they would soon be gone. Been there before and I know how it goes. I get told they don't love me anymore and they move out as soon as they can find a couch to sleep on. I come home and the closet is empty.
Then he threw me off with his 100% complete groveling and begging me to forgive him saying he couldn't bare to lose me, etc. etc. He took all the blame!
I went back and forth on it day to day, hour to hour. Should I give him another chance?
In his favor:
Other than this incident we have gotten along so well.
I do not want to move again.
Dating at 50 years old sucks!
I don't want to uproot the poor kid.
The OW is not even in the country. It's not like he can sneak off to have sex with her.
I really don't want to work full time and pay ALL the bills myself. He is willing to pay 2/3 of the bills. This allows me more time for my family.
I like his friends and family.
I just moved into this house and I like it. I have worked so hard on it. I want to stay.
I mean at times it just seems silly to chuck the whole deal because he was foolish and got carried away with a young gal that we all know in the long run would NEVER work out. He even knows that.
Against him:
You gotta wonder about his thought process. I mean, how stupid was this crap?!
Will I ever really trust him again?
He keeps bitching and moaning that he hates his job yet has barely made an effort to get a new one.
He spends way too much time complaining that he is old, tired, broke down, sore, on and on. It wears me out. His testosterone test came back fine so THAT is not the issue. Now I worry that he is just lazy and depressive.
Sex....... Well he did get the pills so now we can now have sex but still sex seems all messed up now. I can't forget that he got it up for HER!
He won't go get his shoulder fixed. Simple surgery and it would be fine. He says he is scared.
On some level this guy seems like a big baby these days!
Anyhow....I hadn't firmly decided anything but I was actually leaning towards giving him a chance and giving it all some time to "mellow" and then seeing how I felt. I mean the simple solution is to basically pretend it didn't happen and get on with plan A; cautiously of course.
But, there was one problem that I couldn't get over. The tablet. On D-Day he took it with him when he went back to work. For the next few days he didn't bring it in the house. He left it in his truck. Finally one day last week he went off to work and left it in the usual spot on his night stand. I assumed he had finally cleared all the trace of the OW from his tablet and that is why it was back to it's old location.
Then I noticed he was using a new passcode to get into it. Out of the corner of my eye one night I saw him enter the code. I only caught the first 3 digits but assumed I could get the last one if I tried. The next morning after he left I tried the code with different last digits with no luck. So I just decided to watch him some more and get the whole thing next time.
Yes....I wanted to see for myself that she was not still in contact with him.
The next night he put in a totally different code. The next day it didn't work either. The third day he put in another code. This time I saw him enter it right before he was about to leave; finally my chance. Then, just as he was about to leave he grabbed the tablet and headed to the couch. He put it back but of course he had changed it again. So I was now certain he was changing it each day right before he left for work.
I was PISSED!! I mean really if he has nothing to hide why change it....right? I called Julia and she agreed and she advised me to ask for the code outright; that he owed me that transparency under the circumstances. So I did.
He balked for a moment but then gave it up pretty quick. Once in the table I saw he was signed out of the message app and his Gmail. There was no way for me to see his messages. I was even more pissed. I told him that it was stupid that I was trying to gather more evidence against him since he had already proven that he didn't honesty love and respect me. I told him I was done and that he needed to move out!
I did find the girls contact information and kept a copy just in case. I also found a photo of her in with his pictures. It was from yesterday! It looked like a screen shot from them chatting on facetime. She was laying in bed on a pillow. I knew they were still in touch and this proved it. He was still lying to me and I was finally angry enough to take a stand and call it over.
I wanted to walk in the closet and put ALL of his clothes in big black garbage bags and pitch them out in the garage where his stupid fucking red work truck used to park. You know, the truck he had sex with her in.
He sucks!
One of the first things I did when I found out, as I was crying and wondering about the house in horror, was go in the closet and hug his clothes. I know that sounds weird but I thought he was leaving me and they would soon be gone. Been there before and I know how it goes. I get told they don't love me anymore and they move out as soon as they can find a couch to sleep on. I come home and the closet is empty.
Then he threw me off with his 100% complete groveling and begging me to forgive him saying he couldn't bare to lose me, etc. etc. He took all the blame!
I went back and forth on it day to day, hour to hour. Should I give him another chance?
In his favor:
Other than this incident we have gotten along so well.
I do not want to move again.
Dating at 50 years old sucks!
I don't want to uproot the poor kid.
The OW is not even in the country. It's not like he can sneak off to have sex with her.
I really don't want to work full time and pay ALL the bills myself. He is willing to pay 2/3 of the bills. This allows me more time for my family.
I like his friends and family.
I just moved into this house and I like it. I have worked so hard on it. I want to stay.
I mean at times it just seems silly to chuck the whole deal because he was foolish and got carried away with a young gal that we all know in the long run would NEVER work out. He even knows that.
Against him:
You gotta wonder about his thought process. I mean, how stupid was this crap?!
Will I ever really trust him again?
He keeps bitching and moaning that he hates his job yet has barely made an effort to get a new one.
He spends way too much time complaining that he is old, tired, broke down, sore, on and on. It wears me out. His testosterone test came back fine so THAT is not the issue. Now I worry that he is just lazy and depressive.
Sex....... Well he did get the pills so now we can now have sex but still sex seems all messed up now. I can't forget that he got it up for HER!
He won't go get his shoulder fixed. Simple surgery and it would be fine. He says he is scared.
On some level this guy seems like a big baby these days!
Anyhow....I hadn't firmly decided anything but I was actually leaning towards giving him a chance and giving it all some time to "mellow" and then seeing how I felt. I mean the simple solution is to basically pretend it didn't happen and get on with plan A; cautiously of course.
But, there was one problem that I couldn't get over. The tablet. On D-Day he took it with him when he went back to work. For the next few days he didn't bring it in the house. He left it in his truck. Finally one day last week he went off to work and left it in the usual spot on his night stand. I assumed he had finally cleared all the trace of the OW from his tablet and that is why it was back to it's old location.
Then I noticed he was using a new passcode to get into it. Out of the corner of my eye one night I saw him enter the code. I only caught the first 3 digits but assumed I could get the last one if I tried. The next morning after he left I tried the code with different last digits with no luck. So I just decided to watch him some more and get the whole thing next time.
Yes....I wanted to see for myself that she was not still in contact with him.
The next night he put in a totally different code. The next day it didn't work either. The third day he put in another code. This time I saw him enter it right before he was about to leave; finally my chance. Then, just as he was about to leave he grabbed the tablet and headed to the couch. He put it back but of course he had changed it again. So I was now certain he was changing it each day right before he left for work.
I was PISSED!! I mean really if he has nothing to hide why change it....right? I called Julia and she agreed and she advised me to ask for the code outright; that he owed me that transparency under the circumstances. So I did.
He balked for a moment but then gave it up pretty quick. Once in the table I saw he was signed out of the message app and his Gmail. There was no way for me to see his messages. I was even more pissed. I told him that it was stupid that I was trying to gather more evidence against him since he had already proven that he didn't honesty love and respect me. I told him I was done and that he needed to move out!
I did find the girls contact information and kept a copy just in case. I also found a photo of her in with his pictures. It was from yesterday! It looked like a screen shot from them chatting on facetime. She was laying in bed on a pillow. I knew they were still in touch and this proved it. He was still lying to me and I was finally angry enough to take a stand and call it over.
I wanted to walk in the closet and put ALL of his clothes in big black garbage bags and pitch them out in the garage where his stupid fucking red work truck used to park. You know, the truck he had sex with her in.
He sucks!
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