October was a busy month. First, my old roommate Sara was in town for a week. God it was great to see her. It was great to spend time with a REAL friend, someone who gets me, someone who is like me, someone who I feel accepted by and can just let go. We drank too much and ate too much and talked for hours and hours. It was so what I needed; reminded me that not everyone thinks badly of me.
Then, I spent an amazing week in NYC on vacation. First, before I delve into talking about the vacation, I have to tell you why I ended up vacationing by myself in New York City. Back in August I was discussing with the husband how desperately I wanted to take a vacation and how I couldn’t understand why he was so uninterested in putting together a plan. After a lengthy talk, where I asked questions and pried answers from the non communicative man, I finally figured out his hitch with the whole vacation thing. When I think of vacationing, I think of going to some location of interest and exploring it and seeing the sights. Be it a city or the Grand Canyon, I think it is cool to see the sights that people talk about, the stuff that make it famous. The husband tells me he has no interest in touristy things and only wants to burn vacation time if he can paddle his boat or ride a bike. So there you have it……..he only cares to do his hobbies. (Isn’t he the most self centered person in the world?) I kind of figure you can do those at home so why travel to do them. So, long story short, we see vacations in a totally different way. This is a sad revelation at this point in our relationship and if the man was a better communicator he would have explained this to me years ago. But, he didn’t and now I must make the best of it.
So, I have an old friend from high school that lives in NYC for the time being. I went and stayed with him and his roommate. Free place to stay in New York City and I did not waste any time booking my airfare; which was only $200. Can you believe it? My old high school buddy is currently unemployed so I tried to pay for a lot of his stuff, but still, the trip was cheap and I loved NYC. It really is an amazing place. So many people and so many things going on and it’s all right there……crammed in a small space. The logistics that make that place work are mind blowing. We did all the important things too; we went up in the Empire State building, went to Macy’s, Central Park, MoMA, Guggenheim, rode on the subways a lot, got my picture with the bull on Wall Street, visited the site where John Lennon was shot, rode the Statton Island Ferry, Grand Central, you name it, we did it. One of the coolest things was we got to go inside the Flatiron Building because the roommate works there. I really fell in love with NYC and before I went there, I really didn’t think I would like it so much.
View of Empire State building from inside Flatiron.
When I first left on vacation, I was so ready to get away from home, kids and the daily grind. I got of the plane in NYC and was just grinning like a kid. I was so excited to be off on an adventure……finally. However, after a few days I really started to get homesick and I felt the fellows I was staying with were getting tired of me being underfoot. Meanwhile, Bean would not talk to me on the phone and Daddy kept telling me they were doing “Great”….an almost too enthusiastic great. Now, with the husband, you don’t know if he is telling you the truth and they really are doing well or he is just telling you what he thinks he should. Whatever the case, I was feeling unneeded at home and unwanted in NYC and even tried to book an earlier flight back, but decided I really didn’t want to spend a few hundred bucks to get home a day early. The day I did leave, I got to the airport hours ahead of time just to be safe and so I could finally make some forward progress towards getting home.
After an uneventful trip home, they hardly noticed that I was back. It was obviously they didn’t miss me. He spoiled her while I was gone and she ate it up. They spent the weekend with Grandma and Grandpa because the husband is really not emotionally up for being trapped for the weekend in the house with the toddler. I am sure he biked and ran and whatever while Grandma took her turn spoiling the child rotten.
At home, for the most part, I am the only one that sets up and enforces rules. I am the only one that tells her no. I am the bad guy, and Daddy just gives in to her. He actually makes my job harder by doing this…..I am not sure he even realized that!
The other morning my husband and my daughter were fawning all over each other, loving and hugging and kissing and giggling. I am happy they love each other, but it really is generally to my exclusion. I get tired of feeling like the odd man out. I still wonder if he didn’t marry me just so he could be with her. Someday he will probably brag about how he sacrificed all those years of his life with a woman he didn’t love just so he could be with his daughter every day. He will make it sound like he is some sort of hero. He can make anything sound like he is a hero, even when he is really being a jerk.
To top it all off, the weekend after I got back, he was due to go back out by his parent’s house to participate in a boat race. He was eager to take Bean with him and I really wanted to spend time with her and him. I was upset that they were leaving, but had tons of things to do here in town so I could not go along. I grudgingly let them leave, but had a bit of a meltdown before they did. They seemed too happy to leave me.
I just want to feel needed and appreciated that’s all. It doesn’t seem like a big request. I really do work my butt off for my family, my kids and mostly the husband and toddler. I do most all the housework and the cooking. I do almost all the shopping and cleaning. I do all the planning and organizing. I work full time and keep up with 3 busy children’s lives. I know the teens don’t need me to drop them off every day, but they still have appointments, banquets, forms to fill out, school pictures to order, parades to attend, camps to pay for, clothes that need buying, etc. etc. Trust me; they are still plenty of work.
