HOW TO TOTALLY FUCK UP TUESDAY MORNING

I was getting ready for work…..thinking about the fact that I would be meeting and training the new girl. I showered so I would smell good and made sure to brush my teeth and gargle. While I was getting ready Friss called and I tried to talk to him at the same time.

I left the house forgetting to bring my lunch…..too much on my mind.

When I pulled up to the attorney’s office I was still on the phone with the boy, why not talk as long as I could? I saw Emily, the attorney’s assistant, walk into the office, a large Starbucks drink in her hand.

Soon Husband pulled up, parked and marched into the building, very purposefully ignoring me. I signed off with the boy and shoved my glasses into my pocket and followed behind him up to the office suite.

At the top of the stairs, Emily was on the phone so we stood in awkward silence waiting. He would not make eye contact or speak to me. He was trying to push my buttons but I am pretty much immune at this point.

She got off the call and I told her we were there to sign the forms. She produced them and I signed on the line while Husband wrote me a check for $115,000…………my equity in the house.

I took the check and thought to myself how simple this tiny piece of paper seemed given its value. I carefully folded it in half and then half again and placed it in my jacket pocket.

Emily made a copy of the quit claim deed and we headed for the door. Still no talking….no he was mad at me because he saw Kevin leaving my house Sunday afternoon when he was about to drop off our daughter.

Back in the car I checked my phone and texted Julia back. I started to drive to work and thought to call Husband’s mom regarding some future plans that he was somewhat elusive (as normal) about.

Grandma and I had a nice chat and then I decided to stop at McDonalds for a coffee and a pee on the way to work. Have I told you how the nursery has only an outhouse for a restroom which is currently at the bottom of a hill and surrounded by mud thanks to days and days of rain?

When I got to McDonalds I shoved a few dollars in my pocket and headed for the restroom. Then I went to the counter and ordered a coffee and paid with cash. I proceeded to the car where I called Kevin to update him on how it was all going. I was feeling accomplished for finally settling this last matter with the X. I was not even feeling bad about the fact I would be about 5 minutes late to work.

Then I decided to put the BIG check in safe place since I didn’t have time to go to the bank. I reached in my pocket to find NOTHING THERE!!!! The check was not in my pocket!!!! I checked the other pocket, maybe I was just on the wrong side, but, NO FUCKING CHECK!!

Slow down, calm down, it must be here. I felt the pockets again, nothing. Wait, try again it has to be there…..NO THE POCKETS ARE EMPTY!!! Then I checked in the pocket of the door where I had put my driver’s license after I left the attorney’s office. No, no check there.

Maybe I shoved it in my purse with the left over cash from my coffee. I’m now rooting in the bag as I near work. Still nothing. Panic is setting in so I pull over. Surely it fell off my lap onto the floor or is under my seat. Stupid car loves to eat important shit to taunt me. (Remember the missing key?)

Still nothing and the panic is increasing. Dig some more it has to be here. How could I lose $115,000? HOW COULD I LOSE A CHECK FOR $115,000?!?!?!?!

Maybe it fell out at McDonald’s????

 I drive to work because I know I am late and the new girl, Pam, is probably waiting on me. I park in the mud and start trudging to my barn and see Jacob my boss. One look at me and he says “do you need to NOT be here today?” I tell him I lost a check for $115,000 and I am not even joking; that I need to go back to McDonalds and see if it is there. He tells me to go, cause he is so awesome like that. I leave as I fight back the tears and start beating myself up for being so fucking stupid.

Self-talk at this point is a new all-time low!!!

I start to think that I need to call the X and have him do a stop pay….I need to tell him what is going on. I am crying and upset and in a panic so I phone him a bit prematurely in hindsight.

I sob to him on the phone “I lost the check, I FUCKING already lost the check. I stuck it in my pocket and then I had to pee so I got coffee and now it is gone! I am headed back to search for it.” He was not kind but he was not a jerk. He knew I was in panic so he was *contained*.

Back at the restaurant I searched the parking lot as the rain poured down on me. Nothing but an old napkin and a soggy receipt.

Maybe it was inside? I headed in searching the floor with lazar focus. I check the bathroom stall and still nothing. Then to the counter. “Did anyone turn in a lost check?” The clerk looked at me confused. I held up my hands to form a small rectangle and said “a personal bank check made out to me”….she said no and assumed I was crazy. I went back outside and looked around the parking lot some more. Still nothing. By now I am soaking wet and I don’t care at all.

I call the Husband back and sob that it is really gone. I tell him if he has the check number he must do a stop pay ASAP. He says to calm down and that it will show up and I tell him NO you must do a stop pay…I will pay for it. Call the bank. He then, unbeknownst to me, he leaves to go the bank.

I drive back to the office just balling my eyes out and in total disbelief that I could be so fucking stupid. I pull back in the nursery and think to call Husband again and beg for a new check today. The sooner I get another check the sooner we can all forget that this happened. Back on the phone he says “no, I don’t have time, maybe tomorrow or the next day.” SO I FREAK OUT cause I want to fix this so bad and make the problem disappear. I need a new check today. He says to call him later. I sign off just as the phone rings.

EMILY

My phone shows that Emily is calling. That is the attorneys’ assistant.

I answer, still sobbing, and she indicates that they found the check and I sob with gratitude and relief. I quickly call husband and tell him I found the check. He grumbles that he will turn his car around and go back to work…like he is so put out by me and I am such a pain in his ass. I actively try to not let his attitude affect me and I head into the office to train that new girl!

Money

My ex husband, the father of the teenagers, is a financial nightmare.  His house is in disrepair, falling apart.  He is drowning in credit card debt.  He has never saved a dime in his life and often has nothing to show for what money he has earned.  He has a decent paying job with good benefits but still he just can’t seem to make ends meet.  He is not the type to blow his money on drugs, women or even fancy cars.  (Remember I just gave him a car.) No, he blows his money on fast food, cable TV and art supplies.  At the end of the day he stands before the world acting sad and beaten down; shrugging his shoulders as if he does his best but he just can’t come out on top.  It’s not his fault you know….life is just hard.  Everyone feels sorry for him.

I am almost half a century old.  I have been working my ass off for over 30 years now.  I have often gone without things so I don’t rack up debt.  I made straight A’s in college so I could get my tuition covered by my employer.  I live cheaply and squirrel my money away.  I don’t have cable TV or internet service at home it’s just too expensive for what you get.   I have gone years without a single penny to spend on entertainment or clothes.  I even lived for a few years without a couch after my divorce; sat on the floor.  I carefully buy quality things and take care of them so they last a long time or pick up great bargains from Craigslist.  I now have some nice things and some money in savings and I earned every last bit of it.  No one feels sorry for me……in fact everyone thinks I somehow owe them ….mainly money of course.

So in the ever continuing saga of how teenager suck the life out of you and make you wish you had gotten your tubes tied at the ripe old age of 12, Monster and I had another huge fight this weekend…..and you guessed it…..it was over money.

A few months ago he told me he wanted to move out of his dad’s house and in with a friend.  We discussed some of the details and he assured me that his roommate to be was a very stable and trustworthy young man who could be counted on to pay his half.  I was happy the boy seemed to be thinking it through and offered to talk to potential landlords for him in an effort to be sure they ended up in a decent place.  I even offered to help him with the bills should he continue to keep his grades up and act like a mature adult.  Basically I did my best to be involved and supportive despite the fact that I really don’t think he should move out when he has a “free” place to stay and there is no reason to move.

Please note he has told me many times in the past few months that he hates living at Dads to which I respond “then why don’t you come live with me?”  I have a bedroom, bathroom and living area downstairs that he could have all to himself.  He always declines because, well because… he knows I won’t let him stay up all night or smoke pot in my house.  Besides I don’t have cable TV or internet service and who can live like that?

So yesterday he calls me to tell me that 2 other friends lost a roommate and he wants to move in with them and he wants to know how much money I am going to give him for rent.  I told him I was not willing to pay his rent.  Rather than discuss it any further, he chose to hang up on me and start sending me viscous text messages about what a bitch I am and how I am a terrible mother. 

I then calmly reminded him that he has totaled his car not once, but twice since he purchased it and I have both times got him back on the road (about $10k worth of auto repairs!).  Not to mention the fact that I had to kick in about $3000 for him to buy the car in the first place.  I buy his school books and pay part of his tuition too.  AND I still pay his father child support each month and buy all his clothes, shoes, etc.  Basically he is costing me a shit ton of money yet to him, I am a stingy bitch who is just so mean to him.

Long and short of it is this; I wish I had never given the kids a dime….I should have just told them I was broke and can’t help them. Hell I could at least say look I have a new car so I am plumb out of money for you. …spent it all on myself, sorry.  It would be so much nicer than bending over backwards to be helpful only to be totally unappreciated and treated like dirt.