Another Year Flies by

I can't wrap my head around a year end recap.  But, here is a list of where I am as we end this year.

The Good

• For months now, JDK has been in an agreeable mood and seems to be genuinely investing in our family.
• JDK has been paying for my Cross-fit membership which is about $125.00 per month.  I appreciate the gesture given his history of being so stingy with his money.
• I'm earning a decent income while keeping my time flexible.  I can go on vacation when ever I want and I can afford it.  I have money to put on Friss's phone accounts and to pay for my daughters private school.  I  make my own daily schedule so I can pick Beanie up from school at 3:30 and take her to swim practice at 5 pm.
• For the most part I like the work I do, I like working at home and I like the people I work with.  
• Beanie is a healthy and bright 10 year old.  She is rarely sick and makes excellent grades.  
• Beanie has been on a swim team now for almost a year and is still pretty upbeat about swim practices.   I am so happy that she has a hobby that keeps her active 3 or 4 nights a week.  If not she would do nothing but sit and play with her tablet.
• I've been in a better mood.  I have been concentrating on working, keeping busy and not thinking too much.  When JDK acts "normal" it makes everything easier.

The Bad

• JDK's house hasn't sold yet; not even an offer.  He has been living here rent free for the past year.  (He buys the weekly groceries which he eats 95% of.)
• JDK quit paying his child support which is $300 / month.  I decided to quit asking for it each month which was always contentious.  I assume that if things work out it's not important and if they don't, I have a court order so I should be able to collect it from him later.  (Although...knowing how my life goes there will be some catch and I will be screwed.)
• I am having the hardest time getting motivated to eat right and exercise.  I am sure it is partly due to cold winter days, long winter nights and not having a gym I love anymore.  Working from home makes it more of a struggle to get out the door to run or go work out.  Also I don't have any fun workout pals which always helps.
• Even though JDK has been happier and more easy going, he struggles to engage in real meaningful conversation instead choosing to make silly comments and tease.  There are days I get sick of hearing him open his mouth and say nothing of value.
• In 2017 I spent $371.00 to talk to Friss on the phone.  Glad I get to speak to him however, the cost is outrageous; such a scam.  I feel for the people who's family can't afford such luxury.
• My 10 year old has reached the point where she is constantly pushing back against almost everything I (we) want her to do.  Things like wearing a coat, I just let go and if she freezes, so be it.  However, brushing her teeth, bathing and taking the dogs out to potty, we have to fight about every single day.
• Our sweet little rat is sick.  Been to the vet twice now.  I won't bore you with the details but I think she won't be around much longer.  
• Ramone (aka Sissy) recently got dumped by her jerky boyfriend (who has ZERO respect for her) and is heartbroken.  I feel just terrible that I didn't raise her to have more self respect.....but I guess we all know who's example she is following.  I have been telling her that he's not worth her time and she needs to move on and find a nicer guy.  She of course doesn't listen.
• Sissy also smokes pot all the time.  OMG I am so sick of it.
• I am still working WAY more hours that I want to.  
• Beanie and her best friend "broke up".  It has been heartbreaking to watch her go through losing her closest friend that she loves so dearly.  I am not really sure what happened but I think the teasing and "mean" jokes (learned from her dad) finally did it in.
• Our sex life is still goofy.....it just always feels weird, wrong, off.  I don't know why.  I don't know what to do about it.  When he is not around (during the day) I want to "cuddle" with him, but when we finally fall into bed at night I just don't feel like "working" for it.  I wonder if it is lingering trust issues.

The Ugly

• Not too long after we started doing Cross-fit, my knees started bothering me.  It wasn't long before the right knee was notably worse.  I have tried to baby it thinking it might get better.  I have tried to strengthen it hoping it would adjust to the new movements.  Nothing is really working and at times I have sharp pain that says something is really wrong.  I have toyed with going to a doctor but JDK says they will just send me to PT and change me a copay every time I go.   Not to mention telling me to stop exercising. I think I have a $3000 deductible or something anyway.  If the issue needs surgery (torn meniscus) I would like to find out but if  not I should be able to solve it on my own.  I know what they do in PT.  I may have to quit Cross-fit completely for a while (longer than 2 weeks) and see if that helps.  But, the thought of quitting the one and only thing I have been doing consistently and the only activity JDK and I do together makes me sick.  We have fun at Cross-fit.
• On a more basic level I am just worried that my body is breaking down due to my age and I am going to have to get used to the idea that I may not be able to run anymore or that I may never be fit like I want to be, like I used to be.   Being fit has always been a part of my identity and letting that go is incredibly scary.  I realize I may be over reacting but at the same time people get old and bodies break down, hormones change and eventually we can't "act" young anymore.

Christmas 2017

We had a good Christmas.

Beanie got her ears pierced and we went to Colorado for a ski vacation.  Very few actual gifts were wrapped and exchanged, which makes me happy.  Shopping is not my thing.

Last night I stayed up late working on a puzzle and sipping a beer.  Everyone else went to be at 8:30.  I enjoyed my "Me time" very much.  When I finally crawled into bed at 11 pm it was cold and I curled up close to JDK and fell asleep.  We spent the whole night cuddling close and I woke up feeling loved and happy.

One thing that has been a huge positive change for me in our relationship is the cuddling while sleeping.  When we were married he always slept WAY on the other side of the bed, facing away from me with his arm cocked under his body so there was no way to cozy up behind him.  On top of that, he had his body shaved so he was generally a prickly mess.  This always left me feeling sad and rejected.  Why sleep with a handsome guy if you can't cuddle...right?

Now, he tries to cuddle and sleeps closer to me most every night.  It certainly makes me feel loved and desired.  Of course life is never as easy as problem solved.  At our age other issues come into play.  First, we have both started snoring so on some nights you have to make some space to save your ears.  Also, I have my "hot" moments where cuddling just creates a sweaty annoying mess.  I need to kick off the covers and cool back off.  The hot flashes pass relatively quickly but they are super annoying as they usually hit the minute we get all snuggled up comfy.

The good news is we always make the best of it.  Neither one of us are happy about snoring, but I guess this is how life rolls; old people snore.  I am really thankful that we are both snoring even though he is almost 10 years my junior and has only 13% body fat.  (I always thought only fat people snored.....woops.)

In other news Beanie is getting boobs and I am sooooo sick of working too much.  So back to work for now.

Turning Toward your Partner’s Emotional Bids

Below is an article that I read and believe explains quite simply an important aspect of any healthy relationship.  I know this was a huge issue when JDK and I were married...I always felt shut out because he ignored me so often.  He has improved this go around but he still often struggles to connect if he isn't in the mood.  Anyway....here it is.

__________________________________

He comes home from work exhausted again. After yet another frustrating meeting that could have been covered in an email, a tense conversation with a co-worker about the state of the break room refrigerator, and predictably awful traffic on the way home, he crashes onto the living room sofa, lets out a deep breath, and turns on his favorite show. All he wants to do is decompress in silence.

As if on cue, he hears the back door open. His wife is home — and somehow, she's more chipper than ever. As she enters the room and removes her coat, she takes a moment to pause at the front window, saying, “What beautiful weather — it’s just lovely today.”

What should he do next? The answer may matter more than you think.

John Gottman has spent his career studying what makes relationships work — and what he has discovered is as practical as it is important. Through his research, he has been able to identify what qualities and practices make a couple masters of their relationship, as well as what can make a relationship turn into a disaster. He found a subtle but significant difference between the masters and disasters that strongly predicts the future of their relationships: In the small, everyday moments of life together, relationship masters are much more responsive to their partner’s attempts to engage with them.

These attempts at engagement, or emotional bids, are any effort on the part of one partner to connect or get their partner’s attention. These bids can be as glaringly obvious as a direct request for cuddling at bedtime or as subtle as an indirect comment about the weather, addressed to no one in particular. Gottman found that partners who consistently responded positively — or turned toward — each other’s emotional bids were significantly more likely to feel satisfied and stay together over time than those who did not. In fact, in a six-year study of newlyweds, Gottman discovered that couples who stayed together turned toward each other’s emotional bids 86 percent of the time, while those who went on to divorce turned toward each other’s bids only 33 percent of the time.

Over time, all of the seemingly insignificant moments of daily life in a relationship turn into something of immense importance. Gottman identified four different responses that people typically utilize when their partner sends an emotional bid in their direction. Each can either support or tear down a relationship’s sense of togetherness and security. We can turn toward our partner; turn enthusiastically toward our partner; turn away from our partner; or turn against our partner. In the introductory example, a husband worn out from his day receives an emotional bid from his wife when she comments about the weather. He has a choice: He can turn toward his wife with a short and simple “Yes, it is,” acknowledging her bid; he can turn enthusiastically toward her by engaging her in a longer conversation about the day; turn away from her by ignoring the comment; or turn against her by gruffly asking for some peace and quiet.

Although an enthusiastic response to an emotional bid is almost always appreciated, more often than not a simple acknowledgement of your partner’s bid is enough to deepen your connection. You don’t have to deliver endless energy, attention, and focus to be a relationship master.

How is it that such small moments make such a big difference in our relationships? By consistently turning toward your partner when they reach for you in small ways, you fortify your relationship against the stresses and obstacles of life. Essentially, an emotional bid is a small way that we daily ask our partners, “Are you here with me?” or, “Do I matter to you?” The answer to these questions becomes even more important if there has been previous infidelity or if either partner has a history of trauma. By receiving a metaphorical “Yes!” to these questions consistently throughout your relationship, you strengthen your trust and connection to each other.

Pay attention to the small ways in which your partner reaches for you and attempts to connect — intentionally looking for ways to turn toward your partner will help you be more effective in connecting with them. Every time you turn toward your partner in response to an emotional bid, you invest in the health and security of your relationship. This sense of security, of feeling truly able to know and be known by your partner, created by intentionally and consistently turning toward your partner, deepens your shared sense of intimacy and is correlated with increased marriage satisfaction.

As John Gottman reminds us in his work, it’s the small things done often that make the biggest difference in relationships. By turning toward your partner’s emotional bids, you safeguard your relationship against disrepair and deepen the love you share.

Good Weekend

Last week JDK decided he wanted to move his workbench over here from his old house.  He finally feels the urge to get organized down in his "man room" and dare I say, settle in.  Finally!

YEAH

I know.  He just needed to do it in his own time.  I get that now.  

I made some calls and got a friend with a trailer to come help him.  He was so excited to get it here that he rescheduled a meeting at work so he could sneak out at lunch time and get the 12 foot workbench moved.

Last Wednesday night as we were loading stuff into the bench and talking about where to store things he mentioned how it would have been nice to seal the garage floor before we loaded it full of stuff.  I agreed it was a GREAT idea and offered to help if he still wanted to do it....maybe this weekend.  You know, before we had even more of his stuff here and in the way.  He said he would think about it.

Thursday while I was at class he got his trainer and his stereo and set up a place to ride his bike in the garage.   A place where he will spend hours sweating on the floor all winter long.  Suddenly the floor sealing seemed even more important to me.  I remember how sweat will actually stain the floor.
I gently asked again if we could seal the floor but by now he was not feeling up to it.  (probably because he just added even MORE stuff to move. grrrr)

Saturday morning I decided to ask one last time, still thinking about all the sweat.  He said no.  So I just put it out of my mind and went for a run.

When I got home he left on his bike and a few hours later (around 11 am) he texted me to start unloading the garage...he had changed his mind.  By now I was over the idea so I figured I would just tell him when he got home that it was fine and not worry about it.  I assumed he was just trying to be nice to me and I wasn't about to push him into such a big project if he didn't REALLY want to do it.  I know better.

Anyhow, he got home, was genuinely interested in doing it so we spent the balance of the day emptying the garage,  purchasing the supplies and prepping the floor.  It has to be spotless for the floor to turn out really good.  So we scraped, mopped and mopped some more.

When we went to purchase supplies I assumed he would expect me to pay but much to my surprise he pushed me out of the way at the check out and declared "I got it!".

 NICE!!!

We worked on this project together and it was actually quit pleasant.  Historically he gets grumpy and is NO FUN to be around...preferring to work independently  One of the things I always felt bad about when we were married was the fact that we rarely did projects together.  To me that is part of being a couple; you know, working together.

Sunday we spread the coating and other than one very minor incident everything went well, he was kind and fun to be with.  Our relationship felt happy, healthy and normal!!

Monday he even went and purchased a new toolbox!

arranging his tools in the new fancy tool box

No More Class

Last week I had to get a sitter so I could go to my class.  I left Beanie at her friends house and promised to pick her up by 8:15 so the girls could get to bed on time on a school night.

When I got to class there was the "all group" meeting beforehand where we listened to a very beautiful young girl tell us all how she got pregnant as a teen and was full of shame.  She however did marry the father and they are still together and best I could see it worked out pretty good for her.  Her husband was there, handsome and supportive.  Anyway....her story didn't resonate with me.

Around 7 p.m. we went to our individual classes where we spent the next full hour talking about how our week went.  We got started on the homework at 8:10 which is when I had to leave.    I was frustrated because I thought it was a good chapter and I wanted to dig into it.  

This last week I read the homework but never had time to really sit down and write it up.  I had planned on doing it Wednesday after I got done with my daily sandwich shop work but instead got handed a last minute project.  Also frustrating.

I got there a few minutes late on purpose.  I really don't care if I participate in the large group part at the beginning.  When I arrived I sneaked in to find all the chairs full so I went and stood by a girl in my class.  The little young girl with way too many tattoos.  She bristled at my presence...she's not a people person.  The room was watching a 13 minute video of a preacher who was very exuberantly making metaphors about lives being like a seed in the dirt.  Honestly, I found his TV evangelist style rather disturbing.

After that we went to our rooms where the instructor said we would take off where we left last week and discuss shame because it is such an important topic.  Yeah!!  I didn't miss much.

We did some chatting as a group and then she asked questions from the book and we went around the room and read what we wrote.  Which sounds like it should be fine, but it didn't work out that way for me.

a) It is so obvious that she has about 4 "go-to" phrases she likes to dish out.  "Thanks for sharing....I know that was hard for you",  "I pray for each of you every single day", etc.  Basically, she is trying really hard to offer affirmation and encourage people to share their feelings.  That's it.  Which is probably great for some people, but it really doesn't get me anywhere.  I really don't believe she has any insight to offer me.  Hell even the trained therapist didn't help me why did I think a church lady would.
b) Listening to others share should offer insight and help you feel less "alone" in your struggles.  Instead I just feel that i don't want to hear about their issues...it hurts my gut.  I feel damned if i care and damned if I don't.   Not like I can help them.  I'm not allowed to offer any advise or comment.
c) When we got to me she actually told me that I didn't have to try to be so entertaining.  WTF?  I wasn't trying to be entertaining at all.  I was telling  my story.  Then I tried to explain how I used to think my father was my "bad" parent and lately i feel it is my mom.  She cut me off when I tried to bring up my mom.  She wanted to discuss my dad.  I'm really way past that.  Been dealing with it my whole life.  I just don't care anymore.  It doesn't bother me anymore.  She wouldn't believe that.
d) she wanted me to share my feelings and at this point i don't really have any to share.  The only thing i could say is it breaks my heart to watch my kids suffer because I wasn't a good parent to them...even though i tried so hard to not make the mistakes my parents did I still managed to instill in them all the shitty self doubt and ineffective relationship skills I have.  The cycle is so hard to stop.

It's just too complicated to get any traction in the 10-15 minutes I get to speak in the class.  It's a waste of time.  I am always stressing because I don't have enough time so why am I dedicating 3 or more hours a week to this.  I can read the book and do the exercises on my own and put Thursday night to a better use.

There....I quit and I am thrilled to have that off my schedule.

e) oh and there was talk about confiding in friends.  I don't have anyone like that.  I just don't.  Somehow that didnt' go over well.
f) and one lady in the class (who is really odd) somehow thought I called her a narcissist.  Which i didn't and what ever i said that made her think that probably came out all wrong and that is my point.  I can't open my mouth without fucking things up.  So i should keep it shut.   YET....EVERYONE says the answer to shame is to share!!!

FUCK IT ALL

Ill just ride my bike.

Unit 3 - Release from Shame

Day 1: Growing up in a Shame Factory

      Shame may be transmitted indirectly:

• If a parent feels bad about life the child will think that is how you are supposed to feel.
• A child may feel that it is their fault that their parent is emotionally unhealthy.
• Enmeshment can happen when a person depends on another feelings.
• A family secret can cause fear of shame for the whole family.
• Abuse creates shame.  A child can feel responsible or deserving of the abuse.
• No opportunity to resolve traumatic events creates shame.  No-talk rule.
• A failure to validate needs and feelings.  A child is taught that having normal needs and feeling is not OK.

     Shame may be transmitted directly:

• Direct comments that are negative "You can't do anything right!"
• School may label a child too smart, too dumb, too different.
• Church can create unhealthy levels of guilt.

1. Did your FOO transmit shame to you?  YES
2. Was it directly or indirectly?  BOTH
3. Which of the above did you experience as a child?   Ugh...I guess all of them except the family secret. 
4. Can you recall specific events or stories about your family shame?   My mother was always depressed and negative so she modeled that behavior.  I am sure we either learned it from her or maybe it is hereditary.  My father was moody and we felt it was our job to keep him happy.  This is probably a form of enmeshment and  feeling responsible for the emotionally unhealthy adult.  I was always expected to anticipate his mood / needs.   We had the no-talk rule.  When my father left it was never discussed.  In our family kids were not aloud to have needs or feelings.   My mother told us her life would be better without us.  I always felt different at school and didn't fit in....but didn't everyone?

Day 2: Building a Shame-based Identity

• Shame says "Hide Yourself"   -   A shame-based identity means you want to hide who you are.  You feel that if people knew the real you, they would reject you.  You feel vulnerable , exposed, emotionally naked, like people can tell you are not "OK".
• Feelings and Events trigger Shame - the same shame you had as a child
• Shame sends messages - "you don't have the right to ask for what you need"  "you don't deserve good things."  "You aren't lovable."  "You are not happy enough, good enough, capable enough."

1. How is your identity shame-based?    I never feel that being completely open and honest is safe.  I assume people will NOT like me.  I am not comfortable with who I am.  In some ways i don't like myself.  I fear rejection too strongly and take other peoples criticism too seriously.  I let people that I care about opinion's of me crush me emotionally.

Day 3: Living in Shame

• A shame based identity may compel you to work very hard to be "better".  You may be very successful yet a sense of personal self acceptance is always just beyond your reach.
• Shame teaches you to be embarrassed about having needs or hurting.  Shame teaches you to feel ashamed of your very presence.
• Shame is a barrier to intimacy.  Shame compels you to not feel good about being exposed and known for the REAL you.
• Shame promotes an acceptance of inferior relationships.....will tolerate a higher level of inappropriate behavior.
• Shame based individual are usually codependent.  They look to others for validation.  They feel others deserve to have their needs met before their own.
• Your shame is the accumulation of the shame you have created and the shame that your parents gave you.  It is a heavy load.

1. Do you try to erase your shame through your behavior?  Yes, I try very hard to make others happy and to be the perfect mother, employee, friend, etc.
2. How successful are your efforts?  It doesn't work.  I tend to feel used, under appreciated, tired...left out, alone.
3. Do you apologize for hurting?  No...but I do feel guilty about it.
4. Do you feel shame about getting close to other people?  I usually harbor great fear about truly being honest and open with others.  I am very measured in what I say and do around others.  I have been told in the past when I was open and honest I was offensive and people did not like me.
5. Do you see evidence of codependency in your life? Absolutely.  If others are upset with me it crushes me.
6. Have you added your own shameful behavior to that shame of your FOO?  I have a kid in prison for murder.  I have enough shame for 10 people!

Day 4: Running from Shame

• Refuse to feel anything.  Push all feelings away or mask shame with other feelings such as anger.
• Acting Shameless - Act like nothing bothers you even when it does.  May partake in risky behavior to show you don't care.
• Cover you shame by becoming a stern-faced moralist.  Too strict with rules, etc.
• Transferring your shame to others.  You may be angry at others when you are really ashamed of yourself.  (when your abuser is angry at you)
• Compulsive behavior can make shame go away for a while.  The shame however returns and if the compulsive behavior was something to feel guilty about (got drunk) you will also feel that guilt.

1. Do you hold back a wide range of feelings to cover your shame?  Do you allow one or two emotions to replace all others?  Yes.  I suppose I exhibit anger or get depressed when there are other emotions / shame at work.  I don't know how to navigate my emotions like a healthy adult does.
2. Do you ignore moral guidelines to create a feeling that you have no shame?  I guess so.  I justified my relationship with Kevin and it was wrong.
3. Do you project shame onto others?  I now see that I do but I don't mean to and I don't want to.  I don't do this consciously but I suppose I have transferred shame to my kids.
4. Do you engage in compulsive behaviors to cover your shame?  Rocco once told me that I have two speeds; 100% and zero.  I believe keeping busy and "working" hard is how I try to hide my shame.  I WILL BE ENOUGH!

Day 5: Defeating Shame

• Talking about shame begins the healing process.
• Recognizing that you are often taking on shame that is not yours.  Don't feel shame for other people.  If it is not your shame, don't accept it.
• Unload your shame by giving it to God.  (hey it's what the book says)

1. What are you going to do with your shame?   IDK!!!

Class # 2 recap

When we arrived we were all ushered into a large "party" room.  There was a DJ area (you know, separated by a half wall) and music playing.  There were bar height tables scattered along the wall and the middle of the room was crammed full with regular tables.  The walls were black and the tables bright colors.  There were two large video screens showing a slide show.

Along one wall was a buffet table with fruit, snacks and coffee.  People were piling in and I didn't know anyone so I balked at going in.  The lady by the door ushered me in, telling me to find a chair.

Once in I recognized a girl from my class, the one who said her birthday was next week.  I saw the empty chair next to her and rushed to get it.  The place was filling up.  I sat down and said hello and then asked her when her birthday was.  She said it was Tuesday!!  ME TOO!!  I told her we had the same birthday.  Cool!  Another girl from our class joined us and we had a nice little visit.

Eventually my friend from work that I saw last week stepped up to the podium and called the meeting to order.  He gave a nice little talk and then headed up a prayer.  We then broke into our classrooms.

In the room we all said hi to a new girl and then we got to work going through the book.  This week we took it in order and went around the room trying to identify our compulsions.  The leader of the group is a rather large lady and she confess her compulsion was food.  The girl next to me, the teacher, said her compulsion was self indulgent activities that made her feel relaxed and diverted.  She loves to play pool.  She is an interesting character.  In a way she reminds me of JDK.  She says her husband is tired of her retreating to entertain herself and not showing up and being interactive with the family.   Interesting...........

This week was not nearly as depressing or draining as last week was.

And, thankfully the God stuff wasn't a huge deal.  I still don't understand those last few assignments but we didn't really talk about that much.

Our homework was to go home and try to be aware of our compulsions and make time to feel our feelings and connect with ourselves.

UNIT 2 - RECOGNIZING COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR

Day 1 - The deadly nature of Compulsive Thinking

Characteristics of Compulsive behavior:

• Compulsive behavior is repetitive and ritualistic.
• CB has hidden causes.
• CB has a controlling force behind it.
• CB drains large amount of energy.
• CB is a way to avoid feelings.
• CB feels both good and bad.
• CB is reproductive.

• Addictions are a form of compulsive behavior.  Examples: alcohol, drugs, tobacco, eating disorders, work addiction, sex addiction, gambling, exercise, shopping.

1. What other forms of compulsive behavior come to mind?  Nail biting (my mom chews her nails to raw nubs), video games, hoarding, washing / checking, drama.
2. Do you think a person can be addicted to religion?  How?  Obsessing about religion or religious activities, using it to escape from reality, using it to judge other, letting it create shame or guilt.

Day 2 The Compulsion to Control

• Dysfunctional families feel out of control.  Children's philosophy becomes learn to control feelings, control situations, control people, if you succeed in controlling you can’t get hurt.  Also they have a strong desire for predictability
• DF create so much pain that the children learn not to feel.
• DF do a poor job of nurturing trust.   Don’t depend on others or you will get hurt.
• DF produce adult children who feel shame and are trying to make up for the family mistakes.  This can show up by trying to be perfect.

1. Do these remind you of your FOO?  How?  Do you feel the need to be in control? YES, I most certainly have control issues.  I like to feel in control.  Unpredictable situation create anxiety.  I need to manage my own money and have control over any of my valuable possessions.  I like to make plans and try to predict possible issues so they can be dealt with up front.  I feel guilty when something happens that I didn’t see coming.  I always want to know how things will turn out.  Wanting a crystal ball to see the future.   My parents told me children didn’t have feelings.  I am never good enough...i want to be perfect.  

Day 3: Two kinds of Thinking

Life or Death thinking.

• God = life
• Sin = death

   I admit that reading this section didn't register with me.  I am lost other than if you are a "bad person" you will have a "bad life".  IDK?

Day 4: The pain of Disobedience
 
The book is just a bunch of religious mumbo-jumbo to me at this point. I don't speak the language of Christian evangelist.    Turn your life over to Christ......or suffer i guess.

Day 5: Freedom from Compulsive behavior

A little worried about where this is going.  I guess we will see tomorrow in class.

Stupid Harvey

This morning I was telling JDK that I was having dreams about the poor animals stranded in the floods in Texas.  He immediately took a defensive tone and said that it was understandable that people had to take care of their kids and themselves first and that pets are NOT as important.

I quickly explained that I wasn’t being critical of the poor people down there who are losing everything they own and struggling to just save themselves.  My point was, that the old, the children and the animals are the most vulnerable.  They are innocent victims who don’t have the capacity to care for themselves like an able-bodied adult.

I imagine a lonely scared dog sitting on a porch in waist high water not understanding what is happening, where his family is or what he is supposed to do.  They depend on us for EVERYTHING and I am feel for them.  I empathize so much with animals.

He adjusted his posture a bit and seemed to understand what I was saying.

The whole situation is just heart breaking and I am actively trying not to let it affect my mood.  But man….it’s just so sad.

Not to mention living with Mr. defensive.  Grrrr

Reflecting on the First Class

Last night was the first class.

What I posted yesterday was the prep work we did for the class.

When I walked in the church, there stood the Area Manager for the Cafe I do accounting for.  He was super friendly, welcoming people in the lobby.  I think he leads a mens group.  I don't know him real well but he seems like a heck of guy.  I saw a girl there too that suddenly I recognized as an employee at our downtown store.  She is not even 5 feet tall so she is memorable.  He confirmed it was her and told me he had encouraged her to attend.

I found my room and we all sat on some hard chairs that were situated in a circle.  It was a bright clean room with no character what so ever.  I thought to myself it would be nice if we had comfy chairs and more relaxed lighting.

I am not sure if the people who lead these groups are paid or not, but either way, I understand that heading up a class like this is a very gracious thing to do.  We had two "leaders" in our group.  One never said a word other than introducing herself.  The other ran the whole class and was obviously trying to say all the right things, but still she struck me as a bit abrasive.  For some reason i didn't like her much.

I think there are 7 of us in the class.  One is a math teacher who is a bit bookish....which i like.  She has a small child and a rocky marriage. The little gal from the store was in our class.  She is Ramone's age.  In fact I asked her if she knows my daughter and she does.  Later I realized that it is against the rules to ask such information.  She seemed really shaky and admitted she needs meds.  I feel for her....which may be maternal instinct.  I bet she never comes back.

We went around the class and introduced ourselves one at a time.  Then we went around again and told about our dysfunctional family upbringing, what issues we are facing and what we hope to get from the class.

The stories were mostly gut wrenching and there were no dry eyes to be found.  The lady who went last actually apologized for having a normal childhood.  Her daughter, however, had lost custody of her grand-kids due to drug issues and the 2 grand-kids had been in her custody for a few years and were now going to be adopted by yet another relative.  The ladies daughter had not spoke to her in over 3 years because she is lost in drug addiction!  WOW....that sucks.

We are really discouraged from talking to each other which is hard for me.  We are not supposed to hold anything in our laps or take notes because it is considered a distraction.  I however have a hard time focusing if i don't take notes.  It's a coping mechanism for my ADD.

I felt emotionally overwhelmed as I left.  I wanted to talk to someone but realized I didn't have anyone to call.  I felt alone and beat up by the world.  I wonder why I am still shocked at all the terrible things that people do to each other.  All the stories and the feelings.  UGH

At this point I am thinking I am not going to benefit from this class and it is only going to make me feel worse.  I plan to go next week and re-asses.  I'm pessimistic at this point.

I think the premise of this class, much like most self help books, is that you don't understand your issues therefor you don't fix them and once they are illuminated you will be able to change.  I have spent years understanding my issues and have never been able to make any meaningful changes.  I have made small improvements but nothing that is really a huge shift. Just because i understand doesn't mean i can change.  How to actually change is my issue.

On the bright side, other than a closing prayer the focus was not religious.  It hardly came up except one poor girl is a preachers daughter.

UNIT 1 - Understanding your Family of Origin (FOO)

Part 1 & 2 Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family (DF)

1. Focusses its attention of an emotionally needy family member.
2. Places limits on the expression of feelings.   “when this person is happy the child thinks he is happy. When this person is sad, the child feels sad. The child learns to live through the feeling of other people.”
3. Discourages open talk about obvious problems.
4. Permits destructive roles for the children in the family.
5. Fails to provide appropriate nurture for the developing children.
6. Is closed to the outside world.

Did your FOO display dysfunctional characteristics?
My father was selfish and moody. He had no patience for kids at all. He frequently lashed out at us physically frequently. He controlled the family with fear. As I child I was confident that one day he would beat me to death. We all lived to appease him including my mom. We walked on egg shells.
My mother was a door mat, a martyr and codependent. She would tell us how much of a burden we were. She trained us not to upset my father. In hind sight, seeing her except his abuse taught me to accept abuse and it caused me to lack respect for her.
Later when I was a teen, they were both absent so I had no parents.

Did your family focus attention on one or more emotionally needy family members?
Both my parents were needy in different ways. My father demanded respect and for us to never upset him. We were not allowed to say “No” or talk while he was watching TV. My mother wanted everyone to feel sorry for her. She was the perpetual victim.
NOTE: In her defense, my father left her for another woman when I was about 10 which unfortunately coincided with the death of her mother and menopause. It is no wonder she was a mess. I think Valium was the only reason she made it.

Did your family place limits on the expressions of feelings?
We were not allowed to have feelings or needs. We were just there to be quiet and not upset anyone. I wasn’t told my feelings didn’t matter. I was told they didn’t exist. “you’re just a kid…you don’t have any problems.” I was only appreciated when I was helpful or “good”.
I remember pushing my feelings down and working hard to not focus on them. To go outside and watch the birds so I didn’t feel anything.

Which of the following dysfunctional characteristics did your family have?

• Discourages open talk about obvious problems.   Open honest talk was discouraged. Adults and children didn’t really interact much. Kids were lower class citizens with no rights. “seen but not heard”

• Permits destructive roles for the children. Taught to except people treating us with no respect. Taught to forgo our needs to keep others happy.

• Fails to provide appropriate nurture.  Neither parent had a nurturing bone in their body.

• Closed to the outside world.   I don’t really remember feeling closed off to the outside world. Then again my parents didn’t have a lot of friends or social activities. I never had friends sleep over…maybe it wasn’t a thing back then.

What was your role in the family?
I don’t feel that I had a role. Up until my father left I was expected to do whatever I could to promote the peace and not get in trouble. After my father left we had no family. Sometimes I was expected to watch my little brother. A job I didn’t care for and didn’t do well. Around the time of the divorce my mother looked to me for comfort. As a child I didn’t appreciated her “leaning” on me for support. In hind sight, I think I wanted her to be strong and parent the family but instead she just wallowed in self pitty.

Were children in your family nurtured?
I am not even sure that I know what that is.

Was your family open to the outside world?
I could have friends over once I had proper permission.
I don’t think my parents were concerned about what other people thought. I believe they thought they were good responsible parents.

Is your FOO still displaying these traits?
Pop is dead but he died with all his kids estranged from him. My mother and I rarely talk. She doesn’t want to. My brothers and I struggle to maintain a relationship. My sister has been outcast from the family.


Part 3 Losing Self-esteem in a DF

DF tear down self-esteem by:

1. teaching children that their feelings are not important.
2. Because family members lose perspective on what is normal.
3. Failing to develop a strategy of problem solving for relational and emotional issues.
4. Permitting unhealthy survival roles
5. Failing to nurture on another     

Tell a story about your FOO that damaged your self-esteem.

I can’t recall a particular incident. However, as an adult, I have come to realize that many of the things that happened to me as a child were not OK. I was trained to keep the peace at all cost putting others needs before my own. I never learned to relate to people properly. I have always felt that if I am less than perfect I am not good enough. I am overly self-conscious.

What is your shame?
I am ashamed that I am not better; that I can’t be happier and healthier no matter how much I try. I feel that I have failed my children despite my best efforts to do better than my parents did. I feel most people don’t like me or respect me.

Part 4 Finding Self-esteem in Christ
They pretty much lose me here. I can’t make sense of all the bible talk; the lingo trips me up. I used to attend the catholic church weekly and I enjoyed it but I have never been a big “God” person. I tend to feel most comfortable with Buddhism and can’t really get behind the omnipotent invisible being that seems to be the focus of Christianity. I am hoping the class doesn’t get VERY religious on me and that I can translate the “spiritual” concepts to a language I understand.

Part 5 Getting in Touch with Your Feelings
Adult children have trouble identifying feelings because:

1. You learned to live on someone else’s feeling rather than your own.
2. Your family discouraged the expression of feelings.
3. You were taught certain feelings were not acceptable.
4. You may be a victim of chronic-shock syndrome. (the book defines this as an emotional shut down due to overly intense emotions) I think some people refer to this when they say they have PTSD from childhood tramas.

Why you need to share your feelings: Feelings demand expression. Feeling held inside will find a way out. They may come out through behaviors or illness.

Methods used to stay OUT OF TOUCH with your feelings:

• Intellectualizing
• Minimizing
• Denial
• Isolating
• Engage in physical activity to hold back feelings
• Focus on others’ feelings

Which of the above do you use most frequently to avoid your feelings?
I, of course, use all of the above. I do not like my feelings. I don’t want my feelings (except the pleasant ones). I have spent a lot of time in the past few years even trying to figure out what I am feeling. This is a problem for me...so much so that I skipped this section when I first did my prep for the first class.


****************
The next section spells out all the rules for the group. I feel a little bristly at all the rules. I guess I don’t like being told what to do!! HA


Some additional questions they tacked on at the end

Why are you participating in this group?
No matter what I do I can’t seem to have healthy normal relationships. No matter how much I read, attend therapy, take meds, etc. Nothing gets better.

What was it like to grow up in your family? Tell of an incident.
I don’t really have one. All I know is until I was 10 we lived in fear of my father then he left and my mother checked out and I was alone. I never had a family. And as an adult I have never been able to manage to have one either. Even though I want it more than anything in the world. As a child I used to be so envious of the children in the Walton family…the old TV show the Walton’s.

What are your goals with this group?
Anything that might make life better. Any insight in how I can improve.

Making Peace with Your Past

One of the local churches is very big and very popular; think full band and a coffee shop in the lobby.  They offer personal improvement classes at a minimal fee and over the past few years a number of my friends have suggested I should take the class called "Making Peace with Your Past".  All 3 of the these friends said it was life changing for them.

My running buddy Lori (who I have known for years but never been very close to) recently told me she loved the course and that it was very good for her relationship with her ex husband who she was back with.  In fact they recently got remarried.  I am so happy for them.

Last Monday morning I made a to do list and on the list I put down the phone number of the church with the intention of calling to inquire about the class.  Before I had a chance to call them Lori emailed me a link to the class registration so I popped in there and signed up.  (I had tried to sign up a few years ago and it was full.  In hind sight that was probably a blessing because it was when Kevin was still here and I was a total basket case.)

Last night was orientation and we received our workbooks.  See above.  They can be purchased from Amazon.  I would be tempted to do the workbook and skip the class but evidently the group format is also helpful.

As I go through the class I plan to do a blog post each week so I can better document what we are doing and how I am feeling.  The class is Thursday evening so I am going to carve out time to blog on Friday so help me.  The class lasts 12 weeks so it end just before Thanksgiving.

I desperately want to find the time to blog.  I have to make it a higher priority.  I know it is good for me.

Houses and Respect

I just re-read all of my posts since January 2017.  I had some good stuff in there but I left out a lot of stuff too.  I have either been too busy or too depressed to actually get myself on this old computer and type out my thoughts.  Really it is a shame because I would have liked to have a better record of the past few months.

JDK pretty much has his house ready to list.  He met with Julia and got some comps from her.  He says he wants to meet with a few more real estate agents which I guess he is waiting for me to pick and call for him.  Sorry bud, not my priority...I have enough to do already.  Anyway, it looks like he will walk away with maybe $50k in profit.  I don't think the idea that I robbed him will come up again.  In fact, I am now the one feeling a bit pissy about how much I sold the house to him for.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

He did finally go through his man room and the garage and get things in order.  I think fully 50% of what was in there went in the trash.  He can be a hoarder.  The last few loads I brought over here and just dropped in the 3rd garage.  It has been sitting down there for over a month now in piles.  He has not made any effort to organize or put anything away.  Again, maybe just procrastinating because it's just no fun.

At his house he shored up the deck and replaced a few boards and then stained the whole thing. It turned out really nice.  He also replace the old white oven with a stainless one I found on Craigslist.  When I found it he claimed he was broke and would have to borrow money from his parents to buy it.  I didn't fall for it and didn't offer to pay and by some miracle he managed to find some cash and get the damn stove.  It makes the kitchen look MUCH better.  Oddly, cleaning the garage floor was the final item that made the place seem OK to me.  Up until we did that it just always felt dirty, the whole house, and then we scrubbed the garage floor not once, but twice and voila, the whole place seemed more civilized and clean.

Seems like we had a long spell where things felt pretty good, normal between us.  I had two big projects at work so most of April and May I was working 11 hour days.  Really it made me mad as hell because I am supposed to be working part time.  Luckily the construction company has kept me on their insurance.  I feel so blessed for all they have done for me.  But then I owe them...so I do what needs to be done.  The Café is just understaffed and I do my best to help out.  I don't want to quit because if push came to shove I could get a full time job with benefits from them. 

But, back to JDK, I think I was busy and he was nice and things were "fine".  On the 4th of July we had a bit of a spat that just really set me off.  He made a comment to me that in a round about way said "what you think is stupid and ridiculous".  I told him it hurt my feeling and he was being rude.  He walked off and didn't speak to me for days.  I finally sat him down and forced a conversation about it and he basically said that he doesn't want to fight or talk and he just wants me to be nice and loving.  He thinks communication by me is an attempt to change who he is and he doesn't think that we should expect each other to change....blah blah blah.

After mulling it all over for the last few weeks this is what I think is going on.  He doesn't love me or respect me (never has but was confused after the divorce and thought he did) but he finds the situation useful to him as long as I am agreeable.  He likes the appearance of being a family, he likes that I take care of the house, kid etc.  He likes that I pay my own way and in fact probably save him money.  (he is still paying child support but EVERY single month I have to ask for it!)  He would like sex twice a day but is willing to let that go.....although grudgingly.     He has no intention of ever marrying me again or comingling funds.  He feels absolutely no responsibility to me what so ever.  In fact, I think he feels really good that he can have his cake and eat it too....or have the milk and not buy the cow, etc.

Now, here is the hard part.  I am really struggling on how to deal with this.  I do not want to go back to the days where he has the kid half the time and his girlfriend takes care of her.  But I am kind of sick to my stomach at the idea of just sitting here giving him everything he wants so we can have a peace filled home.  It just feels wrong to let him use me...to let him get away with this. 

Yesterday it kind of hit me that nobody respects me.  My kids don't.  That is why they treat me so shitty.  JDK doesn't...obviously.  I have lost touch with all of my friends at this point.  I don't have time to maintain the relationships.  Lingering around people that don't love or respect me is kind of soul killing.

I wish I could figure out a way to get respect form my family but I really don't know how to do it.  I Googled it and just can't figure out what to do differently at this point.  I feel pretty hopeless.

I kind of feel like my life is just a giant piece of shit and there is not way out of it.

Sad Dump

It has been a while since I found the time and energy to blog.  I have wanted to often but life has just been so busy.  I won't try to catch you up today....maybe soon.  Today I just need to write out some stuff.  I need to dump my sad.

Last weekend I was out of town and Monster house / dog sitted for me.  I was so happy that he helped out and that he told me he feels at home here.  I thought it was such a success, until I realized that my $100 gift certificate to my favorite restaurant (which was hanging on the fridge) is gone.  I called the boy and he said his friends are trustworthy and surely it fell under the fridge or something. So I looked.  It's gone.  I got robbed while my kid was house sitting.  Sad.

Yesterday I talked to Ramone because she had expressed interest in having a tie-dying party with me and Beanie.  I asked her if she had some white stuff to dye.  I asked her when we could get together.  She was all wishy-washer with her answers and I said to her "Seems like most of the time when I ask you a question you give me a wishy-washy answer." and I listed some examples.  She got pissed and said something rude and quickly got off the phone.  I try to be nice, I try to  help, I offer to pay for things and this is the respect I get.  Ungrateful and mean to me.  Sad.

Beanie told me just a few weeks ago how much she loves swimming and it is her passion.  Then this morning she once again tells me she doesn't want to go to swim practice today.  Yesterday she felt sick all day so I didn't make her go.  I told her it wasn't optional and she pushed back saying she hated swimming and wants to quit.  I am so tired of her hating everything and NEVER wanting to do anything but play with her tablet.  On top of this discussion it just seems that more and more she is just a negative grumpy person and picks fights as often as she can.  She is NO FUN at all.  Sad.

A few months ago we got word that Friss will be released in 2020.  This is a full 2 years longer than we expected.  He is not being offered any chance of early parole.  The day I found out I cried so hard.  It felt like he had died again.  This morning he told me one of his teeth broke.  I calculated in my head that it would be unsalvageable in 3 years.  I wonder how many teeth he will lose.  Starting your life at almost 40 years old is just so sad.

My gym that I love and is only 1.5 miles from my house is closing.   There are no other good options in town.   Next week is the last week they will hold group classes.  I love doing BodyPump.  The gym will be open for another month so I am being charged for that month even though they won't have the classes which is the main thing I do.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  Sad to lose my gym.

The weather has been so hot and humid that even at 6 am running is a sweaty pathetic process.  I am signed up for not one or two but THREE half marathons this fall.  I need to run more.  Yet every time it get out there I am so slow....and it hurts so much....and I feel nauseous thanks to the heat.  I have no idea how I will get in the miles I need.  I plan to try the treadmill next.  I sure do miss Stina......

JDK wants me in his life...yet he won't really commit and have a real solid relationship.  It's too much like it has always been and it really makes me sad.

Bread, Beer and Wine

I met him at the pool where Beanie was having swim practice.  He was in a great mood...friendly...loving.  He kissed me hello.  Love that!

He told me he had a present for me.  Sweet!  I didn't ask what because I wanted to watch Beanie swim.  I knew it could wait until we got home.

After practice we drove home in separate cars.  I had been at a meeting before so he took her to practice.  When I got home I parked in the garage and he pulled in the basement driveway.   When I figured out he was down there I went down to see what was up.  He had just hauled in a GIGANTIC TV for the "wreck" room downstairs.  Cool!

At this point I'm thinking life is good and we are going to have a fun night!

I asked him what we would put it on and he said the floor for now.  OK...I guess.

I noticed he had moved some of my stuff that was in the basement.  I asked where it was and he said he put it in his garage area.  The downstairs garage I had designated man space and wasn't using for my things. Actually it was way out of the way and inconvenient.  I told him I had put the swim stuff by the back door because when the pool opens that is where we will toss it.  He grumbled.

I noticed he moved some of his other things to his storage area.  I had NOT put them in storage because it is stuff he said he would sell.  I was keeping it out to remind him (me) that it needed to be listed on Craigslist.  Ok fine.... His stuff, his call, I can let that go.

We were both feeling a bit frustrated so I switched the subject.  "Where is my present?"  I asked.
He led me to his car with a big smile on his face.  He dug in the back seat and pulled out a loaf of bread.   I wasn't sure if he was being silly or if he was serious.  I said "what is this?  bread?"  He said yes a loaf of fancy raisin bread.  I replied "because I am so into raisin bread?".  He then got notably aggravated and I quickly apologized and said thanks for the bread. 

Evidently he was serious.

He also pulled out a 12 pack of beer.  I eyed it to see what he had so he handed me the box in a "oh you wanna see...here you go" fashion.  I dug through it a bit and tried to find anything I would like.  He told me it was all very hoppy and I wouldn't like it.  I sat it in the downstairs garage and started to take my bread upstairs when he pulled a bottle out and said it was most likely the one I would like.  I thanked him and headed up the stairs with my bottle and my loaf.

I opened the beer and took a few sips and sadly...no ....it was not for me.  By now he was in the kitchen making a chicken sandwich.  He wolfed the cold sandwich down and then started to make a salad.  (we don't have real family meals around here - long story).  This whole time we are both in the kitchen and he is not making eye contact and his general demeanor is kind of like he doesn't want to talk to me.   Beanie asks for dinner so I start making her something.  I am not hungry.

I didn't want to drink a beer that wasn't yummy (calories and all) so I gave it back to him.  He then grumbled how he should have got me wine.  He then said he would go to the store and get me wine and rushed off without saying goodbye.  I felt he couldn't wait to get away and this was a great excuse.  I'm on the verge of tears.  Yet....if he were to tell it, I am sure he would say he was bending over backwards to make me happy by running to the store to buy ME wine because I didn't like his bread offering.

I noticed the bread was from a store he had not visited and I presume the bread was a leftover at work that he brought home.  I am 100% positive he didn't make a special trip to the fancy store to buy me a loaf of raisin bread.  Not sure why he had to make such a big deal of it.

20 minutes later he returned with 2 bottles of wine. (like I need two tonight...eye roll) I thanked him and poured a glass and enthusiastically asked if we could hook up the new TV.  I was trying real hard to draw him back in by getting excited about his high $ purchase.

He brushed me off and was still notably disagreeable.  I asked if he was going to drink the beer I had abandoned and he said he didn't want it.  He was really being grumpy so I told him to go do what he wanted and I would work for a while.  He quickly got dressed and left on his bike.

Sometimes it feels so right and then other times it goes like this.  I can't win.  It just crushes me.  I really do try to make things right...OK...happy.

Glad the Sun is Shining

Last weekend was a big bummer and I am not even really sure why it was so bad.  This is part of my problem, I know I am not happy but I can't quite put my finger on exactly why.  It makes me feel somewhat helpless that I can't pinpoint my issue and effectively address it.

I'm going to lay out what is on my mind in an attempt to clarify my thoughts.

First I have to say that the weekend before last and last week where very good.  I felt JDK and I were getting along well.  I think we were both feeling happy and optimistic.  I was defiantly thinking if things could stay this way I would be so happy.

Then Friday night he got cranky and I have no idea why.  Rather than list my thought on what might have been bothering him I will just say this; I asked what was wrong, he never responded, so I just don't know.   How do I know he was cranky?  1) he actually threw our just purchased dinner in the trash.  2) he then suddenly decided he needed to go grocery shopping and left the house. 3) when he returned he didn't speak to me our Beanie he just disappeared into the basement.  To summarize....he acted very oddly and then obviously felt he wanted to get away from us.

Saturday morning I was still feeling a bit "slapped in the face" by his mood from the prior night.  He tried to be nice but the looming mood was tense.  He did install the new water filtration system.  It was a pretty big job and he was in a relatively good mood the whole time.  Once he was done he announced he was going to go work on the projects at his house.  I stayed home with Beanie who was sick and had been vomiting all night.

He was gone all day which was no surprise to me.  He didn't check in or text at all.  Around 6 pm he asked me if I could help him move the mattress from his house.  (we wanted to swap the master mattress and box springs since his is nicer than mine.)  I phoned him and explained that Beanie was still sick and could not tolerate a car ride.  (She gets car sick very easily.)   He assured me that he was just doing my "Honey Do" list and I said it was fine to wait until I could help.  About an hour later he showed up with the mattress on the trailer and started dragging it in the house.  He didn't warn me he was coming.....he didn't talk to me when he got home, just all of a sudden he was hauling a bed in the front door.  I rushed to kennel Olive cause she was about to rush out the door and run off. 

I voiced my concern that it wasn't a one man job and it was hard on the mattress and the house to be dragging it around. I tried to help him but he was rather brisk and unreceptive.  I felt somewhat violated, like I had told him to wait and he defied my wishes.

Finally our neighbor offered to help haul the mattress in and we got the old one out to the trailer and JDK was off again without a word.

Thought:  It is rude to just not speak to people....to not say anything and just show up and somewhat storm the house.  Passive aggressive.

So I then assumed he would return in about 40 minutes.....a round trip.  But an hour later he was still not back.  I texted and asked him to come home.  He said he would at dark.

He was, of course, non communicative when he returned.  <<< yeah...this is the issue.  The NO TALKING....just storming about doing as he pleases.

I told him I was rather run down from sitting in the house all day with the sick kid when the weather was quite beautiful.  (I wanted to be out on my bike!) He professed he would have gladly watched her and I should have brought her to his house and left her on his couch.  I told him that wouldn't work because she needed attention and he wouldn't have been happy about that since he was on a mission to get so much done.

Sunday morning we all slept in and when we finally got going he was nagging me to go run.   I had an appointment to meet Eileen at 9:30.  When I explained that to him he grumbled that he wanted to get back to his house and get back to work.  I thought to myself....I'm not stopping you, you could take the kid with you.  But obviously he really didn't want to do that. 

I ran.  He went to his house.  The day was pretty much a repeat of Saturday.  He was gone all day and I didn't hear a word out of him.  When he finally returned around 7 pm he walked in the house with a few boxes in hand and disappeared down the steps.  I was happy he had actually brought something back with him. He came up and said he was washing his car and asked if I wanted mine washed too. I said "sure" and he was out the door.  That was it....hadn't talked to him at all and he was out the door to wash the cars.

I am glad he washed my car.

This morning I went to his house and saw what he accomplished.  HE DID SO MUCH IT WAS MIND BOGGLING!

I must admit, for a moment, over the weekend, I was wondering if he was even there or if he was using it as an excuse to be off doing something else....even cheating....yes....I don't trust him very much.

Once I actually saw all that he did I felt a bit better. 

Seriously he got about half of the list fixed.

But why do I have to feel abused by him?....the weekend felt abusive. 

I felt like he wanted to get away from me and didn't want to talk to me.  That he was enjoying himself at his house, drinking beer and clearing brush and he didn't care that I was home with the sick kid.  Selfish I guess.....I know he would be really pissed if I said that.  After all he was working to get it ready to sell.  I even saw the telltale sign that he had indeed masturbated while he was there.  Sorry, TMI,  I know, but still. 

Oh and yesterday he dug my Athleta catalog out of the recycle to look at the girls in swim suits.  Stupid shit like that just seems so immature and desperate.  I know it's not really a big deal but still, kind of skanky for a 42 year old man.

My House, Your House, Our House

We finally got his house inspected so now we have a more definitive list of what must be repaired in order to get the house on the market.  The inspector was at the house from 1 pm until 5 pm.  He was very methodical and thorough.

I haven't seen his report and of course JDK didn't come home and give me a full accounting but as far as I know now, the house needs a new roof, some electrical work, the hot water heater was installed improperly (JDK did it) so that will need to be fixed.  The furnace and AC are old and need to be replaced but they are functional so we will probably pass on that.  He said the deck needed to be replaced.  It is a bit rickety but replacing it seems absurd.  It's not THAT bad.  The lagoon may be too close to the house which could be a huge issue.  I have my fingers crossed that when we measure it we will discover it is just far enough to pass inspection.  There are some other issues like some rotten door frames and the header boards on the garage are rotten evidently.  The list is long and it could get costly and of course it won't all get fixed anytime soon.

JDK came home and made sure I knew how overwhelmed and unhappy he is about it.  I am sure that he will try to spend as little money as possible and take his sweet time getting the issues addressed. 

I have been mulling over how I feel about all this and how I will be involved going forward because it's complicated.

While I was at his house yesterday I piddled in the kitchen doing some cleaning and organizing.  Everywhere I looked I saw issues.  The cabinets are dirty and have some weird stains.  The white electric stove is 20 years old and looks it.  The stainless steel fridge is nice because I purchased it only 8 years ago, but it has a dent in it that you just can't miss.  The door knobs are all the bright brass color and they are dirty too.  All the doors look beat up and worn.  The window sill is chipped and really needs some paint.  The wood floor is faded, dirty and scratched up. Everywhere you look....little junky things that need fixing.  It IS overwhelming.

I was, however, thrilled when the gas fireplace worked.  No one has turned it on in over 10 years! 

Basically what I am saying is that even when the mechanical and structural issues are addressed there is still a lot of esthetic issues as well.  I am not sure how much of it to fix/change and how much to let it go but it will certainly need a lot of work either way.  I am happy to clean and even paint (a little) but I don't have a lot of time or energy to really put into it.

And honestly, his lack of upkeep around there is a big reason we are in this situation.  He chose to ignore and not fix things as he noticed them.  He could have been fixing things as he went along but he chose to keep his money in the bank and spend his time playing with his bikes, etc.

The other thing on my mind is money.  At one point, assuming we were going to get married and be a real family I was totally up for pitching in financially to get his house sold, or renovated if we kept it.  But given the conversations we have had in the past few months I have changed my mind.  If he doesn't want to get married and share finances then any money I put into his house is just me giving him money.   He will sell that house and bank the cash and I will see none of it so why would I help him out?  It would be different if he was planning on putting the funds toward the house we keep but he won't.  SO...decision made, I am not going to help him financially. 

Also, when I was up there I realized that I have cleaned out and moved everything that is not his personal stuff.  The kitchen, 2 spare baths and three spare bedrooms are basically done.  A little cleaning and they could be ready to sell.  But the basement, garage and his bedroom are still chocked full of his belongings.  He has not moved 95% of it.  He moved his guns, ammo, and clothes he wears.  That is it.  Oh and his bikes.  Most of his bikes are here.

I have no idea what his plan is.....I am still not sure he will actually sell it.  And if he does it won't be any time soon.  My optimistic guess is maybe next spring.  A year from now, or more.  Yeah....he'll fart around and drag this out as long as possible. 

If it were me I would want to get it over with.  If it were me I would be worried that anything could happen.  A tree could fall on it during the next storm.  It could burn to the ground.  Or more likely get vandalized since it is vacant.  Not to mention the monthly house payment for a house NO ONE lives in.  But I need to remember, it is NOT my house and I don't have to care one bit what happens to it.

I do however care that he lives here for free and I am a we bit pissed that it could a year or more before that changes.  Or I could look at it like this; if he weren't here my bills would basically be the same.  I would be paying for everything.   Right now, he pays for groceries which probably covers the extra water and utilities he consumes.  So I break even....right?

Still, if we were a real family we would be making smart financial decisions as a unit and we wouldn't be lingering around with two $300k houses. 

To be blunt about it....I think he is being ridiculous and stupid about all this and I am actively trying to not give a shit.

What's Up

Got up and ran this morning.  Really glad I did.  It makes me feel good.  But waking up was difficult.  Even though I woke up before the alarm (as usual) I did not feel awake, thanks to daylight savings time I was very groggy.  Then there is my back; which has been bothering me ever since I crashed on our ski trip.  The bruises from that trip are mostly healed but lately I have been waking with a terrible tweak around my shoulder blade, upper neck.  At first I couldn't imagine how i was managing to hurt my back in my sleep, but then I figured out that I am craning my neck so I don't snore.  Historically, tilting my  head back would stop the storing, however lately no matter how far back I pull my head I snore (with my mouth closed).  So basically I can't stop it any more and on top of the neck pain, I wake up with a sore throat every morning now too.  Add to all of that the ever present sore feet and it is a small wonder I actually get my ass out the door at 5:15 am. to run.

The thing that really bothers me about the snoring thing is I don't know how to fix it and it is really making me miserable.  I am tired of feeling like total crap when I wake up. 

Yesterday we were scheduled to get JDK's house inspected.  It is step ONE for getting it ready to sell.  Plan is to have the inspection as a list of what must be fixed before we list the house.  I am in charge of staging and esthetics.  He is in charge of making the mechanical / structural fixes required.  We were there at 8 but the inspector was a no show.  I phoned and he didn't have me on the schedule.  I am sure he was busy and forgot to write it down.  I felt sucker punched by life.  The guy rescheduled for next week but I found another guy who is coming tomorrow.    But, while we were there we packed up a few things to move and threw out some stuff.  Working together on that made me feel we are on the same page.

Last few weeks I have been slowly and methodically moving stuff from his house to mine.  I started before he even said he was selling it by moving Beanie's stuff.  Figured if we aren't staying there why store her stuff there....right?  After her room I tackled the "office/spare room/craft room".  There was a lot of junk in there but it has been sorted and either integrated into my house, place in the garage sale pile or pitched.  We are leaving the living room untouched for staging.  I did swap out the AMAZING knife set at his house for the good one at my house.  I have moved other favorite kitchen items over.  He hasn't seemed upset so that is good.

His bedroom and most of his clothes are still in tact.  The basement storage, garage and his man cave are barely touched.  These are "his" parts of the house and I am leaving it to him to either move them or ask for my help.  I honestly wouldn't know what to do with his stuff other than move it here and leave him a pile to deal with.  I did reshuffle my stuff downstairs so he would have ample room to start moving things in should he feel like.  So far all that have been relocated are his guns/ammo, bikes and fire box.  Usually he checks on his house, grabs the mail (which he hasn't forwarded) and doesn't bring back a car load.  Not sure why that is......maybe just lazy?

Last weekend JDK did work his butt off to fix my under the counter water filtration system. It had been leaking and the filters were way over due to be changed.  Long story short, I had buy a new one which he will install when it comes.  I really do appreciate all that he does around here.  He also trimmed the rose bushes which is a god forsaken task.  It only took him a few hours.  Last year it took me all day.  Again, so glad he is here to help. 

Another thing that has me happy is we discussed a little home remodeling idea that I have.  There is a silly little 1/2 wall that separates the hall from the living room.  It has always seemed unnecessary to me and if I had built the house I would have skipped it all together.  I mentioned that it would be a cool idea to turn it into a book shelf by knocking out the drywall between the studs and building in some shelves.  He actually loved the idea and said he would totally do that after his house is sold.  YEAH

Last few days have been really good between us.  I did suggest marriage counseling again and he grudgingly said he would go.  I asked if it was just the cost and he said he just doesn't like the idea because it will bring up negative things.  I think we need help with communication....that would be my objective.  For now it is not off the table but I haven't picked up the phone to make an appointment either. 

 

Talking

Last night when we went to bed I decided to give talking a try.  I know we need talk and I know that it is up to me to make talks happen.  He will not be the one to initiate a conversation.

It didn't totally suck but it wasn't very satisfying either.  And, come to think of it, this is how they usually go when I do force them on him.  He says very little, pulls away rather than comforting me, deflects and criticizes rather than hearing and understanding me.  Last night I heard the expected "we should just focus on making the future better....isn't that the best solution?"  Gosh, that sounds so simple...why can't I just do that?

So then I thought long and hard about why that doesn't seem good enough.  I guess deep down I am still hurt and I want / need him to apologize and explain how the past is gone and he is sorry for it.  To refuse to discuss the past feels like he is dismissing my pain and concern.  He may be ready to put the past behind us and move on but at times I really struggle.  It is very hard for me to get past the crappy way he has treated me in the past.  I feel it reflects who he is and I need to see that he is no longer that person...that he has changed.  Maybe I am totally wrong.

Thinking harder....we can probably scratch that last paragraph.

Maybe it really boils down to the fact that I feel like I am trapped in the same problem we have had all along.  He doesn't seem to really be committed to this.  I feel like he is doing his best to keep all options open as long as possible.  I feel like he has stepped up his game from last time (meaning when we were married) but it is still the same game.  Now he tries harder to make me happy but ultimately it feels that he is not in it for the right reasons.  I guess I still doubt his love for me, his commitment to US.

Maybe I am crazy?

I see him balking at selling his house.  He has no interest in talking about getting married again.  He often seems to avoid sex  and intimacy. 

AND...if i point this out to him I hear the following:

House sale: "Calm down, I am working on it".  "I will sell my house but I'm not excited about getting rid of my toys.  So yea, I may not seem all that thrilled to sell it."

Marriage:  "Things need to be better."  "We aren't there yet."

Sex:  "I don't want to push myself on you."  "You didn't seem to be in the mood."

On and on it goes.....he is always the rational sane one and I am the one who is emotional and pushy and never happy.

YET, my gut tells me that something isn't right. 

Moody and Silent

This morning I was in the bathroom reading my Facebook and thinking about....well....going #2.  JDK came in and asked me what I was doing and I told him.  He then told me that Beanie was crying and he wanted to know if I knew why.

Well I hadn't seen her in quit some time and I had no idea what was wrong.  I was just minding my own business since this house (family) seems to value being off on your own more than being together communicating, cooperating.  (sorry...just feeling pissy)

I had put her hair in a ponytail maybe 15 minutes ago and she seemed fine then.

I went in the kitchen where she was eating cereal and sniffling.  I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing.  I noticed her cereal looked mushy; she hates the bottom of the box, so I asked her if that was the issue.  Still no answer, just tears and sniffles.

I then pulled the bowl away from her so she would quit staring into it and said in a firm voice "tell me why you are upset".   JDK and I both peered at her in anticipation and she said nothing.  I then asked again and she said she didn't want to say because I would get mad.  I told her that I would not get mad if she would just explain herself but not talking was indeed going to make me angry.

She then said that me yelling at her was upsetting her.  I didn't yell at her but by now I was out of patience for the whole scene.

I then said, in an angry tone, that she had been crying when I was in the other room so there was no way I was making her cry by yelling at her.  I insisted she explain what was really wrong and she cried some more, saying nothing.

I then yelled (why not?  I am being accused of it anyway) and told them both that I am sick and tired of people being moody and refusing to discuss what is bothering them and the fact that open, honest communication is something that seems off limits around here is troubling.  That in my mind, keeping secrets and being moody are not the way to have a happy healthy family....that being grumpy and distant doesn't solve problems, it creates them.  I said it is too bad we can't support each other and discuss our feelings so we can solve problems and get along better; that being silent is a form of abandonment.  You are not doing your family a favor by keeping your feelings to yourself; you are just isolating yourself.  Talking is the only way I know to solve problems and make things better and I am sick and tired of how the dynamics around here actively thwart such efforts.

Obviously the issue, for me, is bigger than the kid being moody for no reason.  Although her not answering questions when asked is thoroughly irritating and I am really sick of it.  In my FOO it was deemed disrespectful and you would be punished.  I DO feel it is disrespectful and i want to discourage it and eliminate it but I can't figure out how.

The bigger problem is that I feel I can't be open and honest, that JDK won't be open and honest and that the child is learning that expressing her feelings and needs is not a good idea.

Seriously it is fucked up and I feel very trapped in this cycle and can't seem to figure out how to break it.  It makes me feel very anxious, cornered even.

If I do express my feelings about things that upset me I get the following responses:
1) why can't you be more grateful and positive?  Can we please just enjoy all the things that are better.
2) you are a negative person.
3) WOW - I am shocked and hurt that you feel that way (and he withdraws and won't speak to me for hours if not days.)
4) I am sorry that I don't make you happy. I try so hard.  You will never be happy no matter what I do.

The Difference Between You and Me

Last night JDK wanted us to all tell what we where grateful for.  He went first and then Beanie and then it was my turn.  I told the truth.  I said "I am grateful that no one beats Beanie and that she doesn't assume her father will kill her".  They both looked at me like I was from outer space....but truly that is what popped into my mind. 

I am glad that this little girl....who is totally a mini me.....isn't afraid of her parents and doesn't worry we will kill her. 

When I was growing up I didn't know the difference.  Now I do so I keep my mouth shut....people will thing I am weird...damaged...broken...fucked up.  Stay away from the weirdo!

But seriously...on some level, this is my life, this is my reality, this is what I actually do think.   Why can't I share with my closest family members?  Why do I feel that I can never...ever...just really be me?

Beanie is the kid that reminds me so much of me that she has made me see...just how awful it is that my parents treated me like they did.  I could never treat her like that.  She is too young, beautiful and innocent to destroy her with my selfish desires.  How did my family....my parents....actually live with themselves after the things they did to me.

Little sweet girls.....don't need to be beaten and taught that life is hard and that they will have to suffer forever.  NO!! they need to know that they are whole....and important...and special....and everything that anyone could hope for.  They need to know that they matter and that they are valued.

They need to know that they are perfect just the way God made them....and that is a beautiful thing!

Just Catching up

Finding time to blog is so difficult!  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I get up at 4:30 every morning and I am CONTANTLY on the go.  I usually work about 20-30 hours for the Café and go in for 4-10 hours a week at the Construction company.  I also pick up Beanie every day from school at 3:30.  I have been making it to they gym 3 days a week for at least an hour and then I have my 5:30 am runs on Tuesday and Thursday and long run on the weekends, around 2 hours.  AND I do all the house keeping except for vacuuming which JDK like to do.  He also purchases the weekly groceries but I still end up running plenty of errands throughout the week for one thing or another.

Yesterday I took Beanie to the orthodontist.  They said she doesn't need braces until she is 12 years old.  Very relieved that is out of the plan for a couple more years.

She is currently taking a Karate class with her dad but when that is over she is going to join the very popular local swim club.  She will then have swim lessons 3 days a week.  That will make it all even more hectic for me but it will be very good for her to get the swim practice and the exercise.

I currently talk to Friss every single morning but I am going to start skipping talking to him a few days a week and allocate that time to blogging.  We don't NEED to talk every day and it is costing me around $50 a month to talk to him.  I think it will be a better balance to blog twice a week instead of talking to him.

I really do try to prioritize my life based on what is most important to me.  First is family then my health and then my employment.  That is how I rank it in my head.

Oh...speaking of health I tried to get on line and see what health care from the ACA (Obama care) would cost me and they require you to enroll before they will even tell you the rates.  I was so aggravated.  I didn't sign up.  I really hope they come up with a better solution and I hope they make it so I don't have to pay the penalty this year. (the one thing I think I might actually be happy about Trump in office.)  I am not a fan of the ACA but I have no idea what they CAN do that would be better.  In the long run a lot of people got health care because of it who wouldn't have it otherwise so that is good.  Still baffled why we can't come up with a system like Canada, the UK or Australia.

A couple of weeks ago JDK and I had yet another spat about houses and later that night I was laying awake in bed mulling it all over and realized that I don't have to give it another thought if I don't want to: I am living in a house that I like and can afford.........so, as of now, I am not selling my house and I really don't care what he does with his.

Very relieved to let that grief just go!  (Yeah me.)

Besides being so stinkin' busy everything is going pretty well.  JDK and I have been getting along really well since I just dropped the house stuff.  (I have no idea what he thinks is going on or what he really wants, I just never brought it up again.)  He is living here 24/7 and only goes to his house to pick up things and check on the place.   He keeps hauling a few things at a time to my house.  I have already retrieved all of Beanies clothes and most of her stuff from his house so she is completely moved in here except for a bunch of stuffed animals and a few toys she no longer plays with.  (All she wants to do is play on her tablet....another blog post for sure.)  I really need to sell all her Legos but I didn't buy them, JDK's mom did.  I don't want to piss anyone off so I just left them sitting at his house in the empty guest room. 

The Ongoing Struggle to Pick a House - One last thought

Last weekend the weather was cold (15 degrees) and it was cloudy and crappy outside.  I was having a terrible time getting motivated to go out and run but I really needed to get some kind of a run accomplished.  I finally found some motivation by turning it into a project to make my dogs happy. 

Both dogs are out of shape and can only run about 3 miles before they poop out so I took one dog on a 3 mile jog and then came home and got the other dog for a 3 mile jog.  I just ran loops around the neighborhood because the roads and trails are still kind of icy from last weeks sleet/snow.

Also, Beanie's little friend who lives down the street stopped by to see if she could play.  I love that we have neighbors with kids and my daughter has friends so close by.

This got me to thinking........when we move back to the house in the woods, we will no longer live in a kid friendly neighborhood, or a jog friendly neighborhood.  Right now we live in a smaller subdivision with maybe 100 houses. The roads all loop around and it is very safe and secluded.  However, we are still conveniently located only 1 mile from the Walmart and the HyVee grocery store, 2 miles from the trail head and the gym, and less than a mile from the junior high that Beanie will attend in 6th grade. 

From my house I can send Beanie out to ride her bike and I trust that the streets are safe.  Her dad makes her take the dogs for walks around the block which we can do living here but can't do at his house. 

He lives on a paved 1 mile road that turns into gravel.   It is a single lane country road that goes to the highway.  It is not safe to walk on because cars fly up and down it and NEVER expect people to be in the road.  It is certainly too dangerous to trust the dogs or kids out on the road.  It is not a place I can run or bike from.  If we move up there I will have to drive to every single bike or run activity.  If I had lived there last weekend I most certainly would have never gotten out for a run. 

On top of that he has only 4 neighbors and none of them are neighborly.  One is a strange reclusive lady who works nights that I have only actually seen twice in the 12 years I lived there.  The people across the street are just weird and unagreeable so we try to stay away from them.  The older couple are 100% anti-social and mean.  I can't say I like any of them or would I want them to have access to my home. 

Here at the blue house I have lots of friendly neighbors and have even called them to let my dogs out once when I got stuck out of town.  We also have a neighborhood pool that is fun to hang out at in the summertime and chat up the neighbors and make new friends.

Basically, I have come to realize that moving up there in the country will be a quality of life sacrifice for me, my daughter and both dogs.  It will mean we are more isolated from friends and opportunities to get out of the house.  It will mean I have to drive 20 minutes to the gym versus my 5 minute drive now.

I really don't want to leave this house ...so....I think I will try and talk to him about it some more.  Ugh....this situation is the pits!