Busy here at work so I should not be typing, BUT, I have stuff on my mind. Let’s just do the bullet points today.
• Friday night, Husband actually took our daughter in the car when he was drunk. I didn’t say anything to him when he got back except “where did you go”? To which he did not reply (of course). I was mad as hell. He left the house saying they were going for a walk. I asked again and he said Beanie wanted to go for a drive not for a walk so they did. I again asked where did they go? Beanie piped up and said the store. I think they went to a quick shop and got snacks. I decided to let it go because I was mad and he was drunk and it would have been a waste of energy to start a fight. BUT, I should be making a federal case out of it and instead I run away from confrontation. Why am I such a door mat? I have since told him, without reference to this specific incident, that he should not be driving drunk because a DWI arrest is the last thing we need!!
• Last night I was thinking about how my husband treated me when I was pregnant and got really angry (I was driving in my car at the time) and I realized that I haven’t, nor do I know how I will ever, forgive him for how he behaved and treated me. I am still really pissed off. (post to come with more details.)
• Then, this morning I got very angry about the way he does lazy sloppy things at home knowing full well I will pick up after him. In this case he threw trash in the big garbage can in the garage with no bag it. It had no bag because he took the trash out yesterday morning and did not replace it. I went to put new bag in this morning and I look in and there is trash down there. Now either he expects me to pick it up which I find disrespectful of me and my time, or he doesn’t care if there is trash under the bag forever which is just grubby and lazy. Either way I am angry. (am I being way to picky here???)
• I get over these fits of anger (for the most part) rather quickly cause I have plenty of other things going on to distract me, but long and short of it is I have a lot of negative feeling about him and I need to work them out….somehow!
• This coming weekend our daughter is going to Grandma & Grandpas for the weekend. Last week I proposed to husband that we should do something fun (date like) while she is gone. First I asked him via email and he never responded. Then, later I asked him in person and he said “I thought you had to work all weekend”. I said yes, but not every minute I am awake….only like 6-8 hours per day. He acted surprised that I had time for a date. Really!?!? Then, after I convinced him that Saturday evening would be a good time, of course he could not think of a single thing we might do together that would be fun, one on one, date like activity. It’s just depressing. We talked about it some more and eventually hammered out a few tentative plans. BUT, why does it have to be like pulling teeth?
• Last night I went mountain biking with a friend. Usually on Tuesdays, I ride bikes with Uwe and then we have dinner. After I got done cycling I called Uwe and he told me the grill was heating up and he was about to put the chicken on and I should hurry on over. He assumed I was still coming for dinner and had planned accordingly. He was obviously looking forward to my company. I had been planning to go straight home because I did not realize I was invited until I called. I felt so touched by his gesture I went right over and hung out with him. How could I say no? ................You see where I am going with this?
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Not so Fun Long Run
This morning was chilly so I stalled getting out the door for my long run hoping it would warm up a bit. By the time I left the house, it was almost 9 am. I was driving towards my starting location and thought to call Uwe and see if he wanted to join me. When he answered my call he was surprised I wasn’t already done running and agreed to join me for part of my run. I planned to run 10-13 miles and he wanted to run more like 8.
As soon as we started running I felt like I was struggling to keep up with him. I told him a few times that he was running at a pace that was not going to work for my planned distance. He tried to slow down a bit, but didn’t much. I finally started hanging back hoping he would slow down which wasn’t working either. After a few miles I decided to put my music on and just go for it. Maybe it would be a better use of my run to do a fast 8 miles with him.
At the first water break I tried to explain to him that if we were going to run faster I might just run shorter and then we could stick together. I tried to plan a new route but he seemed unwilling to discuss. He told me I was being grumpy but I felt that it was actually he that was feeling grumpy. I assured him I was happy as a lark and in an effort to end the grumpy talk I said let’s get back to running. Again, I put in my ear buds so I could keep up with him and we headed up the road.
It is a fact that I can run faster with music blasting in my ears than I can listening to myself breath (gasp) and my feet pound the ground. I know it’s a mental trick, but it works.
As we ran down the next section he seemed even more upset and I was really struggling to keep up. I had no idea what was bothering him except maybe I was just too slow???
Then at the next intersection he stopped and we discussed our distance and plan. We started running again.
At the next intersection he stopped and started yelled at me for wearing my ear buds and not communicating with him. Evidently he had been trying to talk to me over my music and the street noise and I could not hear him. He was not facing me so I had no way to know he was even trying to talk to me. My ear buds are foam things and do tend to block out noise much like ear protection would.
I was a little shocked at how worked up he was. I apologized and told him I meant no harm. He continued to yell that I might as well run with a dog if I don’t want to talk or that he could run with Debra (a girl we both are not fond of who is known for being anti social) if he wanted a girl to put on music and ignore him. Both rather hurtful things to say.
Honestly I was crushed. He was really harsh. I didn’t see it coming. After my quick apology he was still upset so I started to well up and want to cry. I told him that he should have said something sooner; that I didn’t know it was bothering him; that I can’t keep up without it. Meanwhile he continued to be upset at me.
This was the corner he was thinking he would take to shorten his run so he started to walk off but knew I was upset and came back and talked to me some more. (Thankfully or I would have totally lost it.) He told me to calm down and that it was no big deal. (This whole time I had forgotten to pause my Garmin…..double bummer.)
Finally after what seemed like an eternity we both calmed down and I told him I would run with him as I tucked my ear buds in my shirt. Now my mood was really down and running seemed a total chore. I trudged along behind him on the sidewalk not wanting to leave him at the same time not wanting to be with him.
A few more miles and we were at the turn off to his house. He was nice and invited me over and then headed up the hill home. I still needed to fetch my car so I went the other way. As soon as I was around the corner and he could not see me I sat on the curb and just sobbed and sobbed. I needed to let it out. What I thought would be a fun run with a good friend had turned depressing and given me too much interpersonal crap to think about.
I am sure the fact that I could not hear him over my music had been bothering him for a long time and that is why he was so worked up. I just wish he would have told me before he got so upset.
He is generally the person I go to when I need to feel unconditional acceptance and now I had upset him too. And more importantly ruined that safe feeling that he gives me.
I dwelled on the fact that there must be something wrong with me or people would not treat me so poorly. My husband ignores me and now my best friend unfairly yells at me.
I pondered why I don’t stand up for myself more. I should have immediately been angry at him for yelling at me out of the blue. I had no idea that I was doing anything “wrong” and did not deserve the poor treatment he gave me. It is not like he asked me to take them out and I refused. It was totally unfair of him.
I finally pulled myself together and ran the final 2 miles back to my car (ended up with 10 miles total). I was still very upset by the whole thing but decided it would be best to just go by his house as planned and not make a big deal out of it. I still keep thinking that I should have been mad at him instead of crying. I should have stood up for myself and insisted he admit he was out of line. But I didn’t. I never seem to react in a smart way.
Back at his house we drank some Gatorade, ate his left over pasta for lunch and watched Truck Stop USA. He was his usual sweet self and I did my best to forget the past. We hung out for an hour or so and then he headed to his parents house to help them paint. I headed to the sporting goods store for some retail therapy.
As soon as we started running I felt like I was struggling to keep up with him. I told him a few times that he was running at a pace that was not going to work for my planned distance. He tried to slow down a bit, but didn’t much. I finally started hanging back hoping he would slow down which wasn’t working either. After a few miles I decided to put my music on and just go for it. Maybe it would be a better use of my run to do a fast 8 miles with him.
At the first water break I tried to explain to him that if we were going to run faster I might just run shorter and then we could stick together. I tried to plan a new route but he seemed unwilling to discuss. He told me I was being grumpy but I felt that it was actually he that was feeling grumpy. I assured him I was happy as a lark and in an effort to end the grumpy talk I said let’s get back to running. Again, I put in my ear buds so I could keep up with him and we headed up the road.
It is a fact that I can run faster with music blasting in my ears than I can listening to myself breath (gasp) and my feet pound the ground. I know it’s a mental trick, but it works.
As we ran down the next section he seemed even more upset and I was really struggling to keep up. I had no idea what was bothering him except maybe I was just too slow???
Then at the next intersection he stopped and we discussed our distance and plan. We started running again.
At the next intersection he stopped and started yelled at me for wearing my ear buds and not communicating with him. Evidently he had been trying to talk to me over my music and the street noise and I could not hear him. He was not facing me so I had no way to know he was even trying to talk to me. My ear buds are foam things and do tend to block out noise much like ear protection would.
I was a little shocked at how worked up he was. I apologized and told him I meant no harm. He continued to yell that I might as well run with a dog if I don’t want to talk or that he could run with Debra (a girl we both are not fond of who is known for being anti social) if he wanted a girl to put on music and ignore him. Both rather hurtful things to say.
Honestly I was crushed. He was really harsh. I didn’t see it coming. After my quick apology he was still upset so I started to well up and want to cry. I told him that he should have said something sooner; that I didn’t know it was bothering him; that I can’t keep up without it. Meanwhile he continued to be upset at me.
This was the corner he was thinking he would take to shorten his run so he started to walk off but knew I was upset and came back and talked to me some more. (Thankfully or I would have totally lost it.) He told me to calm down and that it was no big deal. (This whole time I had forgotten to pause my Garmin…..double bummer.)
Finally after what seemed like an eternity we both calmed down and I told him I would run with him as I tucked my ear buds in my shirt. Now my mood was really down and running seemed a total chore. I trudged along behind him on the sidewalk not wanting to leave him at the same time not wanting to be with him.
A few more miles and we were at the turn off to his house. He was nice and invited me over and then headed up the hill home. I still needed to fetch my car so I went the other way. As soon as I was around the corner and he could not see me I sat on the curb and just sobbed and sobbed. I needed to let it out. What I thought would be a fun run with a good friend had turned depressing and given me too much interpersonal crap to think about.
I am sure the fact that I could not hear him over my music had been bothering him for a long time and that is why he was so worked up. I just wish he would have told me before he got so upset.
He is generally the person I go to when I need to feel unconditional acceptance and now I had upset him too. And more importantly ruined that safe feeling that he gives me.
I dwelled on the fact that there must be something wrong with me or people would not treat me so poorly. My husband ignores me and now my best friend unfairly yells at me.
I pondered why I don’t stand up for myself more. I should have immediately been angry at him for yelling at me out of the blue. I had no idea that I was doing anything “wrong” and did not deserve the poor treatment he gave me. It is not like he asked me to take them out and I refused. It was totally unfair of him.
I finally pulled myself together and ran the final 2 miles back to my car (ended up with 10 miles total). I was still very upset by the whole thing but decided it would be best to just go by his house as planned and not make a big deal out of it. I still keep thinking that I should have been mad at him instead of crying. I should have stood up for myself and insisted he admit he was out of line. But I didn’t. I never seem to react in a smart way.
Back at his house we drank some Gatorade, ate his left over pasta for lunch and watched Truck Stop USA. He was his usual sweet self and I did my best to forget the past. We hung out for an hour or so and then he headed to his parents house to help them paint. I headed to the sporting goods store for some retail therapy.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Good For Me
It was about 3 am when I woke up and the wheels in my head started turning. I have my deepest thoughts and brightest moments at 3 am!I thought about my evening the night before. I thought about work the next day and what I really need to get accomplished. I thought about my husband and how I will survive the rest of my life with no affection. (Of course Rocco crossed my mind….but only briefly….that’s under control.)
I thought about all of my issues and all of my desires and all of my goals and then something amazing happened. I actually thought of something to be proud of and I actually felt good about myself.
You see, before I met my husband I didn’t drink a lot of coffee. In fact I would only have some coffee if I had plenty of yummy hazelnut creamers to put in it. Truth be told I don’t like coffee, but I really love hazelnut creamer.
My husband loves coffee and thinks it is the only way to start the day. He drinks at least one big mug or two every morning. He drinks his black.
When we started living together he would make a pot every morning so I started drinking it every morning. Of course my coffee wasn’t black; it was loaded up with yummy fattening hazelnut creamer. So every morning I was starting my day by drinking at least 100 calories of crap. I kinda stuck to this plan despite the obvious negative side because it was something that Husband and I do together. We drink our a.m. Joe and watch the news together.
So one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to give up coffee. Mainly because it was just an excuse to swell downs some creamy hazel-nutty empty calories. It’s just junk food.
I have tried to stop cold turkey before but the shock is just too much. So starting January 1, I started to drink less and less and wean myself off the coffee. I started doing ½ cups instead of whole then I started skipping the days I run (big time saver actually). By the time I ran out of my yummy creamer, which was about a month ago now, it was easy to quit. I told my husband that I was no longer drinking coffee and that he should only make as much as he wants each morning.
Haven’t had a drop since and I don’t miss it at all.
See, I can set a healthy goal and achieve it!!
Good for me.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Coffee in Bed
Last night after work I rode (on my bicycle) The Big Tree loop with Uwe. It’s a fun, hilly 23 miles and he kicked my ass. After that we cooked dinner and watched Truck Stop USA. Nice evening….fitness, food and friends (and a little Franzia wine).When I got home husband seemed to be grumpy and I had no idea why he just stormed off when I finally climbed into bed to watch the news at 9. This morning I figured it out though. You see, I turned on the news at 9 pm (like we always do) and he was reading his motorcycle book. I interrupted his reading. Of course he didn’t say a word to me; he just evacuated the room abruptly and made me feel “left”. All night long I was wondering what happened and wondering if he would be foul when I woke up in the morning. Why he can’t just say something and be pleasant is the part I can never understand. I might have not watched the news if he had asked or he could have at least said “I really want to read so I will go in the living room so you can watch the news.”
This morning, he did come and sit with me in bed and drink his coffee. This is a “friendly” thing that he does. At some point I cuddled up next to him and he put his arm around me. Usually this feels obligatory, but this morning it felt like he really wanted to hold me. He even rested his head on mine and gave me a top of the head kiss. Both genuine acts of affection (IMO) that made me feel really good. It’s those kinds of simple things that make a woman feel loved!!!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Uneventful Weekend
Saturday morning it was raining so I went to the gym with Husband. I did my normal class. It was nice to see a lot of people I had not seen in a while since I have been trying to bike and run therefore not making it to the gym very often.
I saw my friend Becky on the stair climber. She told me she had quit eating refined sugar. I really need to do that too. I keep telling myself to do it and then for one reason or another don’t follow through. Monday I will start a better diet…..promise.
After the gym I drove my husband home and then took Beanie back over to Julia’s house where she was having a garage sale. All the good stuff was gone by the time we got there but we did manage to cull a few little gems from the remains.
Later the sun came out but it was too late to run. It makes me crazy when I miss my long run. The plan was to get it done on Sunday morning instead since the normal trail run would be too muddy anyway. Sadly, there would not be time for a bike ride this weekend.
Saturday evening, Beanie had a friend over and they had a great time.
I saw my friend Becky on the stair climber. She told me she had quit eating refined sugar. I really need to do that too. I keep telling myself to do it and then for one reason or another don’t follow through. Monday I will start a better diet…..promise.
After the gym I drove my husband home and then took Beanie back over to Julia’s house where she was having a garage sale. All the good stuff was gone by the time we got there but we did manage to cull a few little gems from the remains.
Later the sun came out but it was too late to run. It makes me crazy when I miss my long run. The plan was to get it done on Sunday morning instead since the normal trail run would be too muddy anyway. Sadly, there would not be time for a bike ride this weekend.
Saturday evening, Beanie had a friend over and they had a great time.
Sunday morning I met Terry and Stina at 6 and we ran 7.6 very slow miles together. After that, I did another 6 miles on my own at an 8:55 avg. pace. I was very happy with my overall distance of 13.6 miles.
Meanwhile, Uwe showed up at the trail run expecting me to be there, didn’t have anyone to run with and got lost. He phoned me on his way home, an hour later than expected, and told me he ended up running over 8 miles rather than the planned 5.5 and crossed the creek 4 times. I felt kinda bad about it.
Post run, Beanie and I shared a big old strawberry smoothie that really hit the spot. (Love my Ninja blender.)
The rest of the day I mostly relaxed (my feet hurt), cooked a little and waited for Beanie to wake up from her nap.
Husband was tinkering in the garage with chain saws and his motorcycle. I wish he would put half as much effort into a few household project that need to get done. Or at least putting up a swing for the kid.
I should have made him take me to buy flowers for the pots; although honestly I may not even plant them this summer. No one EVER comes out to our house…..well rarely. So all summer long I water the pots every single day and for who? For me? I don’t really care if I have flower…..not enough to water every day. Blah.
While the kid was napping I felt like hanging out with my husband. I wanted to talk, be friends and all. I wondered out into the garage to hang out. Upon showing up I felt required to make an opening statement of “I’m just here to hang out, not for sex”. If I had not said that he would have immediately started behaving like an idiot with a hard dick……..hounding me for sex in an unromantic, unattractive selfish manner. (He’s a boob grabber.) I wish he would crave non sexual time with his wife but he never does.
After trying to enjoy his company for 15 minutes or so, I gave up. He just wasn’t in the right mood, too focused on his project.
Around dinner Beanie was complaining she was bored so husband offered to take her to the “French fry park” (aka McDonald’s indoor playground). I personally HATE to go there so I never offer to take her. The place is greasy, filthy and the kids are generally little heathens. The food is disgusting and the temperature is more likely to be way too hot or way too cold than anything pleasant.
Husband tends to pack her up and drag her off with an attitude that lets me know I am not invited. This used to hurt my feeling but no longer does. If I ask him about it he will swear he is doing me a huge favor by giving me a break and getting her out of the house. He takes the laptop and messes with it so he is not bored to death.
But, once they leave, I am bored to death. I should have just headed over to Uwe’s for some companionship but I didn’t. (Just doesn't seem right to bolt over to another mans house the minute your husband leaves.) I sat and watched TV, Facebooked and messed around in the kitchen. All things I could do if they were there too. So I was just lonely.
It’s my own fault, I should have just left…gone shopping……..anything.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Feeling Better Today
Last night after work I was still feeling pretty low…… tired (Husband woke me at 4:15 by accident yesterday) and rather depressed. I was scheduled to do a bike ride, but didn’t really feel up to it alone so I went over to Uwe’s house and made him mashed potatoes. I like to mother him a bit since he lives alone and didn’t even get invited to anyone’s house for Easter.
He grilled some BIG pork steaks (he works at a grocery store so they were on clearance) that were a real treat. We watched Truck Stop USA on the travel channel. (Last year it was called Truck Stop Missouri. I actually know Joe the owner of the truck stop. He is a running friend of mine!)
Uwe and I had a few beers and I enjoyed the companionship. By the time I left I felt better.
Once I got home, Beanie was asleep on the couch and husband and I climbed into bed and watched the news together. He was pleasant and it was nice.
I always feel a bit guilty when I hang out at Uwe’s house and feel so at home cooking with him. But husband never even asks where I am at. I voluntarily told him I bagged my ride and watched Truck Stop USA instead (which Uwe records for me). Husband does not seem to care at all. I really wish my husband would hang out with me for an evening like Uwe does, but it is not his thing so I make the best of it.
Right now I am schedule to have time to ride on Tuesdays and Thursdays after work. These are the days that my husband has to pick up our daughter. We split it up this way so he can ride his bike or motorcycle to work on M,W&F if he wants. I run on Tuesday and Thursday morning so he drives her those mornings so I am not late to work.
I really don’t mind splitting up time and setting up a schedule so we can each get our personal activities accomplished. However, I would still like to have some family / relax time together and that does not seem to happen very often. On the weekends around supper time we will hang out in the driveway together or go for a walk but that is about it. The rest of the time we seem to totally live two separate lives.
We never cook together anymore. Husband used to grill and we would have a nice dinner with wine. He won’t do that anymore. Last time I asked him to get gas for the grill he told me to just use the George Forman grill instead. Not the same!!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Bad Day
I woke up last night in the middle of the night thinking how I can’t believe that Rocco and I don’t ever talk to each other; that he has no desire to keep in touch with me; that he is now just “somebody that I used to know.” And that freaks me out so much.
I thought about emailing him and pointing this out. I thought about saying something like. “How the hell can you call someone your soul mate and be so close to them as we once were and now, no longer give a fucking shit about them?”
Then I thought better of it. I know it would be pointless to try and discuss it with him. I have tried before. Of course he doesn’t like me to point out how fucked up he was/is to me.
Next thing I know I am feeling so angry at the world I can’t see straight. I want to throw something. I want to get drunk till I can’t think. I just hate that I can’t beat this. I hate that I still fucking think about him. Swear to God I try not to but it never stops.
Then, every little thing that irritates me before I leave the house seems HUGE and ridiculous and I HATE it with all my rage. I hate my life. (He stole my real life from me.)
I arrive at my 5:30 morning run feeling like people are not what I want or need. I really want to escape reality, but there is nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. I just go do what is expected, what is next on schedule.
Uwe walks up and says good morning. I talk to a few people who talk to me but I really want to yell “leave me the fuck alone”.
We start running and Uwe runs up beside me. “You’re sour aren’t you?” he asks. I reply yes, but it’s not you. I am simultaneously upset and thrilled that he can read me like a book.
I run, I run hard, I run fast. It feels good to push myself. I put my iPod on and blast Part of Me by Katy Perry. She gets it.
As I’m running I am thinking:
I’m broken.
I’m damaged.
I let him break my soul.
I let him steal my spirit.
I don’t know how to fix this.
I don’t know how to become whole again.
I think about therapy, but it never helped before. There are NO answers or solutions.
I hate that my husband will never take his place. I know this is ruining all my current relationships. I know that it has soured me and made me ugly. I know that I am just a hollow shell of who I should be. I get depressed so often and so easy now. I hate myself for being so week.
After the run, Uwe texts me with concerned questions; he wants to know what is wrong (as any caring friend would). I tell him it is too hard to explain, that I am not up to it.
Later I have to pick up Ramone so I phone Uwe to reassure him that I am not upset with him and that it is not a current crisis he needs to worry about. He presses me to explain. I tell him it is really too much to explain. That I don’t even think I can fully explain.
He deserves something so I explain how first Friss kills the baby then my soul mate leaves, then I had some health issues, then I found out HE was with HER, then I break my foot and can’t ride my bike (my passion), then I almost get fired for taking a vacation and have to start working 80 hour weeks. Then there was therapy and meds and it all buried me alive. And I can’t fully dig myself out……STILL.
I tell him I need a vacation to regroup. He suggests Colorado. I say NO that would not be the right place. He asks if I still freaking out that Rocco is having a baby. I said no, that’s not it, it is so much more than that.
He tells me that he was upset for a long time when he lost his fiancé but he is over it now. He doesn’t understand why I am not over it. I tell him it is not like he was a boyfriend or a husband, it was more than that. Uwe, of course doesn’t understand.
“See, I told you it was hard to explain.”
After we get off the phone it hits me what the real problem is, or at least a way to maybe explain it. I know I struck a chord because as I think of it, I start to well up inside wanting to cry.
It was SOOOO much LOSS at once. Sooo much heart ache at once. (And at an age that makes it harder too.) My life was just ripped to shreds and I have never gotten over ALL the LOSS.
LOSS is just stuck in me now.
And when Rocco left, it was messy and sad and he said many things to justify it to himself that I took to heart and can’t seem to shake. I believed in him so very much that if he was critical of me I could not just brush it off. He took more than himself from me. He took so very much. And I let him, I know that and that too, makes it that much harder to feel good about myself.
I just feel like I am always battling to make my life whole again and to move past the loss, but there is no way to do that. I have gotten good at ignoring it for periods of time, but I certainly have not gotten over it.
I just can’t seem to do that.
(The photo at the top is me and Rocco in Hawaii....can you see our shadows?)
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Story of Marriage
Grandma and Grandpa have a neighbor named Ben. Ben actually grew up across the street from them and is a few years younger than my husband. So Grandma and my husband have known Ben his whole life.
A few years ago Ben married Yoga. She is a pretty blond girl but she does not strike me as particularly demanding or princess like in nature. She is a school teacher and seems to be very caring and normal.
Not too long after they wed, Grandma started telling me they were struggling and not getting along well. Not too long after that, Yoga came up pregnant! Now they have a sweet little blond boy who is about 2 years old and Beanie likes to pretend he is her little brother.
Over Easter weekend everyone seemed very happy and Grandma did not mention a word about strife in the next door neighbor’s home which made me feel good to think that Ben and Yoga had worked things out and are now happier in their marriage.
On the 2 hour drive home last night, I asked my husband if he thought they were doing better. He said he had no idea. But he did tell me that at one point, a few years back, Ben had pulled him aside and said “Wow man, I made a huge mistake getting married. I am really unhappy.” I guess he was looking to my husband for sympathy or even advise. LOL
(Please note that Husband is talking to me like a friend….love it.)
I asked my husband why he thought Ben was so unhappy at the time. Husband said that Ben was used to his freedom and was feeling trapped. Husband says this with a matter of fact tone like it should be obvious to anyone.
Well then I feel a bit irritated by the idea that most men feel trapped and smothered by marriage and the loss of their precious freedom. I mean really how many times have you heard that complaint? Yet, women also lose a fair amount of freedom and they don’t seem to be so hung up on that. They seem to realize that there is a trade off when you make such a commitment. Why men expect to run around like college boys (or even want to) after they are married is beyond me.
So I say to my husband “I just don’t understand why men keep getting married and then keep complaining about how much they don’t like it. I mean really, you would think the word would get out that marriage sucks and then men would quit doing it.” (Yea I was being a bit of a sassy pants. (Can’t say smarty pants anymore because Beanie told me that smart is good!) )
Husband replies “laundry”.
A few years ago Ben married Yoga. She is a pretty blond girl but she does not strike me as particularly demanding or princess like in nature. She is a school teacher and seems to be very caring and normal.
Not too long after they wed, Grandma started telling me they were struggling and not getting along well. Not too long after that, Yoga came up pregnant! Now they have a sweet little blond boy who is about 2 years old and Beanie likes to pretend he is her little brother.
Over Easter weekend everyone seemed very happy and Grandma did not mention a word about strife in the next door neighbor’s home which made me feel good to think that Ben and Yoga had worked things out and are now happier in their marriage.
On the 2 hour drive home last night, I asked my husband if he thought they were doing better. He said he had no idea. But he did tell me that at one point, a few years back, Ben had pulled him aside and said “Wow man, I made a huge mistake getting married. I am really unhappy.” I guess he was looking to my husband for sympathy or even advise. LOL
(Please note that Husband is talking to me like a friend….love it.)
I asked my husband why he thought Ben was so unhappy at the time. Husband said that Ben was used to his freedom and was feeling trapped. Husband says this with a matter of fact tone like it should be obvious to anyone.
Well then I feel a bit irritated by the idea that most men feel trapped and smothered by marriage and the loss of their precious freedom. I mean really how many times have you heard that complaint? Yet, women also lose a fair amount of freedom and they don’t seem to be so hung up on that. They seem to realize that there is a trade off when you make such a commitment. Why men expect to run around like college boys (or even want to) after they are married is beyond me.
So I say to my husband “I just don’t understand why men keep getting married and then keep complaining about how much they don’t like it. I mean really, you would think the word would get out that marriage sucks and then men would quit doing it.” (Yea I was being a bit of a sassy pants. (Can’t say smarty pants anymore because Beanie told me that smart is good!) )
Husband replies “laundry”.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter Weekend Recap
Daddy demonstrates how to pick up chicks. LOLFriday night husband did the weekly shopping as usual and things were good.
Saturday morning I did my long run with Stina and Terry at 5:30 am as planned. We did a very slow 12 miles together. BUT, it was so much fun because Terry has been injured and I have been working on pace so it was the first time in ages we could just hang out and talk. We talked and talked and I had the best time.
I spent the balance of the morning packing to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s for Easter. I did a load of laundry, tidied the house, packed Beanie, packed myself for biking, running and dressing up for Easter; prepped the dog and rabbit for being home alone for more than 24 hours, took out the trash, watered the plants, refilled my pill dispenser, cleaned the rabbit cage, packed Alli for school for Monday, talked to Friss on the phone and probably a few other things that I can’t even remember.
Around noon we drove the 2 hours to G&G and as soon as we arrived Grandma presented us with pizza. Well, I never eat pizza so it was a HUGE treat.
After we were all settled in and Beanie was in Grandma’s care, Husband and I went for a bike ride together. This is something we have not done in years. It was so nice to just spend the one on one time with him. He was in a great mood and we talked and laughed and I felt happy to be his wife. (He did push the pace too often to suite me but I can forgive him.)
He told me how is ex-wife was too chicken to ride a bike, that cars scared her. We both laughed that he had married her. I asked him what he would tell Beanie when she is old enough to ask him why he chose Mommy to marry. He gave me silly answers but eventually he said some nice things about how we really are compatible and how all paths in life have bumps in them.
Still have not totally forgiven him for telling me when I was pregnant that he would NEVER marry me, but, more and more I do feel less angry about our past.
I know we need to spend more quality time together and I need work harder to make it happen. It’s just hard with jobs, kids, house and hobbies to find time to just enjoy each other’s company. Not to mention he needs to be in the ride mood for it to work.
Saturday night we had a nice family dinner and strawberry shortcake for desert. We all went to bed early and I slept well considering I was in a strange bed with no white noise. (I am hooking on the hum of the fan or humidifier to sooth me to sleep.)
I slept until 6:30 Sunday morning. That is the latest I can recall in years. I might have slept later, but Beanie woke up and the minute I hear her voice I awake. Mom ears you know.
After a small breakfast I dashed out the door to get in a fast run. Saturday’s slow run was so slow that my body was craving something harder. I ran through the nice suburbs on the lake with Katy Perry blazing on my iPod. It was great and I ended up with 6.6 miles at an 8:30 pace. That made me happy.
As soon as I got back, husband headed out for a bike ride.
The balance of the day was family time, egg hunting, ham lunch, etc. We drove home late in the evening and climbed into our own beds after 10 pm.
Overall a very nice Easter.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Jealous (again)
I was just thinking how jealous I am so many people.
Jealous of the happy couple I see on Facebook.
Jealous of my friend that EVERYONE just loves.
Jealous that my blog friends are such eloquent writers.
Jealous of the cute trendy photos my friends post on FB.
Jealous of the women who seems to look classy with ease.
Jealous of the person that always has the pefect comeback at the moment it is needed.
Then I think….my husband is not jealous of anyone (I don’t think).
He doesn’t even think that way.
It would not even cross his mind to feel jealousy.
Why can’t I be more like him?!?!
(You see the irony of this right?)
Jealous of the happy couple I see on Facebook.
Jealous of my friend that EVERYONE just loves.
Jealous that my blog friends are such eloquent writers.
Jealous of the cute trendy photos my friends post on FB.
Jealous of the women who seems to look classy with ease.
Jealous of the person that always has the pefect comeback at the moment it is needed.
Then I think….my husband is not jealous of anyone (I don’t think).
He doesn’t even think that way.
It would not even cross his mind to feel jealousy.
Why can’t I be more like him?!?!
(You see the irony of this right?)
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Tolerance
Tolerance does not sound like a bad word. It sounds like a good word….something this world needs more off. But, when it comes to my marriage, it is a word that (in my opinion) should not be so prevalent.
This morning it kind of struck me that my husband sees being married as tolerating another person in his house/life. I used to take this personal and think he was tolerating me in particular, but more than ever I don’t think it has anything to do with me in particular. I think it is just how he sees the act of being married.
I think his parents do a lot of tolerating each other. To him it seems normal. I have told him it doesn't have to be that way.
He is a solitary person; I am sure he would rather live alone, but he loves his daughter and wants to be with her. More so, I think he is here because he wants to provide a stable, nuclear family for her sake. It is what is expected of him.
In summary; what marriage means to my husband I now understand to be “Tolerating living with another person and doing your best to not have that person interfere with what you need / want in life.”
Pretty much if I stay out of his way he is happily married!!
Sad but true.
This morning it kind of struck me that my husband sees being married as tolerating another person in his house/life. I used to take this personal and think he was tolerating me in particular, but more than ever I don’t think it has anything to do with me in particular. I think it is just how he sees the act of being married.
I think his parents do a lot of tolerating each other. To him it seems normal. I have told him it doesn't have to be that way.
He is a solitary person; I am sure he would rather live alone, but he loves his daughter and wants to be with her. More so, I think he is here because he wants to provide a stable, nuclear family for her sake. It is what is expected of him.
In summary; what marriage means to my husband I now understand to be “Tolerating living with another person and doing your best to not have that person interfere with what you need / want in life.”
Pretty much if I stay out of his way he is happily married!!
Sad but true.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
House of Cards
When I walk in that house I feel like I am home. I feel comfortable, calm, relaxed. That is NOT how I feel at my house. My house feels stressed, cold, lonely, and even negative. (I think it has always been that way. I purchased my current house after Rocco moved out because I could not live in “our” house alone; too many memories.)
When I am lonely or sad and I need a hug, I don’t think of my husband……I know that he has nothing to offer me. I think of my friends.
Even when my husband is nice or tries to do the right thing, it just seems hollow. There are too many selfish acts and heartless moments in my memory for me to believe him. I always feel that he does it to humor me, not because he genuinely cares. He just wants to keep the peace so HE won’t have any stress.
Friends can come and go….they are not locked in like a spouse. I have had many a dear friend move away due to graduating or a job change. Then I have to start all over again to make the friends to keep me busy, happy and not alone.
I actually live in fear that Uwe will get a girlfriend and I won’t have his house as a refuge. We have grown so close that I sometimes wonder if he would not be a better match for me then my husband. But then I think it through and realize that he is a happy go lucky soul that really does not want to be tied down. That he has a huge heart which I just love about him, but he doesn’t have the will or the skill to actually take care of a family.
Stina is going to have a baby sometime soon and then I will miss her on my slow runs. I will be happy for her, but I will also feel her absence.
Julia is now engaged and I rarely see her; although we do keep up on the phone very well. But I sure miss sharing a bottle of wine on her front porch and talking for hours.
I would be so lonely if it weren’t for my friends. I feel that my happiness is built of a shaky tower of friends that could collapse at any moment. It’s scary and it’s not the way it is supposed to be.
I often wonder how I would survive if it were just me and my husband. I would be so lonely.
I wish he needed me like I need someone. I wish I could call him my best friend like so many married couples do…….but I don’t really even consider him a friend. If I had understood how much he would not need me, I would have never married him. Maybe I just felt closer to him back then because I was working so hard to make our family work and now I have decided that all the work in the world won’t change things so I give up.
It all seems too complicated to unravel at this point. I feel I am just stuck in this situation and I go round and round.
When I am lonely or sad and I need a hug, I don’t think of my husband……I know that he has nothing to offer me. I think of my friends.
Even when my husband is nice or tries to do the right thing, it just seems hollow. There are too many selfish acts and heartless moments in my memory for me to believe him. I always feel that he does it to humor me, not because he genuinely cares. He just wants to keep the peace so HE won’t have any stress.
Friends can come and go….they are not locked in like a spouse. I have had many a dear friend move away due to graduating or a job change. Then I have to start all over again to make the friends to keep me busy, happy and not alone.
I actually live in fear that Uwe will get a girlfriend and I won’t have his house as a refuge. We have grown so close that I sometimes wonder if he would not be a better match for me then my husband. But then I think it through and realize that he is a happy go lucky soul that really does not want to be tied down. That he has a huge heart which I just love about him, but he doesn’t have the will or the skill to actually take care of a family.
Stina is going to have a baby sometime soon and then I will miss her on my slow runs. I will be happy for her, but I will also feel her absence.
Julia is now engaged and I rarely see her; although we do keep up on the phone very well. But I sure miss sharing a bottle of wine on her front porch and talking for hours.
I would be so lonely if it weren’t for my friends. I feel that my happiness is built of a shaky tower of friends that could collapse at any moment. It’s scary and it’s not the way it is supposed to be.
I often wonder how I would survive if it were just me and my husband. I would be so lonely.
I wish he needed me like I need someone. I wish I could call him my best friend like so many married couples do…….but I don’t really even consider him a friend. If I had understood how much he would not need me, I would have never married him. Maybe I just felt closer to him back then because I was working so hard to make our family work and now I have decided that all the work in the world won’t change things so I give up.
It all seems too complicated to unravel at this point. I feel I am just stuck in this situation and I go round and round.
Monday, April 2, 2012
She has a blog....I don't read it!
Before I found out that Rocco and his wife were going to try for a baby, I used to think about it a lot. When they got married and shortly after she changed her birth control, I knew that a baby was being discussed. Then a year went by and nothing happened. Then I wondered if they had changed their mind. Evidently she had some terrible reactions to her new form of birth control and she had also had some sort of blood clotting sickness (no I have no idea what it was called) so they did go back and forth a lot on the idea.
In MY mind I would go back and forth about how I felt about it too. Part of me was all for it because I know how stressful it is to have a toddler in the house; especially a rowdy little boy. I also know that different parenting techniques can really stain a relationship. Not to mention the fact that like me and my husband they are cyclist, swimmers and runners who would have to start tag teaming their workouts so one could stay home with their kid. Less time together, I’m OK with that. No more happy relaxing biking outings with your spouse. No, you will either have to find a sitter, drag the kid along (which is usually just not worth it) or go one at a time like my husband and I do. (Although my husband rarely rode with me anyway since I am much slower than he is and he can’t be bothered to wait.) So, I was not wholly against them procreating.
On the flip side though, I can envision her giving birth and them putting the cheesy newborn up on her and him holding her hand and weeping with joy. I so don’t want them to share that moment. I can remember how the house feels so special with a wee baby as the focus. I know he will cherish her more once they are parents of their own little person. So, yes I was kind of hoping they never went down that road, that he would just never have kids of his own and never actually understand how the rest of feel about our own children.
All of his friends have been having babies lately so I knew he would start to feel the urge. He is about 42 years old now so I am sure he was feeling the pressure to make that decision. She told me that they would have two if they have one. I think that is their plan. Of course, after the one arrives they can certainly change their minds on that….and I bet they will. (But two sounds good to me….more work…he he.)
She is about 36 now so she is getting to the age where she would be considered high risk should they go for number two. I guess only time will tell what they do next, but I am going to say that they will be good parents, but it will cramp their style quite a bit and they will hold at one.
I know I am not being nice when I hope that things don’t work out well for them. Yes I am bitter and awful….I know. But, who the hell gets to sleep with their boss at their first job straight out of college and have it all work out into some happily ever after blissful “love of my life” story (in Denver Colorado). It’s just not fair!!
In MY mind I would go back and forth about how I felt about it too. Part of me was all for it because I know how stressful it is to have a toddler in the house; especially a rowdy little boy. I also know that different parenting techniques can really stain a relationship. Not to mention the fact that like me and my husband they are cyclist, swimmers and runners who would have to start tag teaming their workouts so one could stay home with their kid. Less time together, I’m OK with that. No more happy relaxing biking outings with your spouse. No, you will either have to find a sitter, drag the kid along (which is usually just not worth it) or go one at a time like my husband and I do. (Although my husband rarely rode with me anyway since I am much slower than he is and he can’t be bothered to wait.) So, I was not wholly against them procreating.
On the flip side though, I can envision her giving birth and them putting the cheesy newborn up on her and him holding her hand and weeping with joy. I so don’t want them to share that moment. I can remember how the house feels so special with a wee baby as the focus. I know he will cherish her more once they are parents of their own little person. So, yes I was kind of hoping they never went down that road, that he would just never have kids of his own and never actually understand how the rest of feel about our own children.
All of his friends have been having babies lately so I knew he would start to feel the urge. He is about 42 years old now so I am sure he was feeling the pressure to make that decision. She told me that they would have two if they have one. I think that is their plan. Of course, after the one arrives they can certainly change their minds on that….and I bet they will. (But two sounds good to me….more work…he he.)
She is about 36 now so she is getting to the age where she would be considered high risk should they go for number two. I guess only time will tell what they do next, but I am going to say that they will be good parents, but it will cramp their style quite a bit and they will hold at one.
I know I am not being nice when I hope that things don’t work out well for them. Yes I am bitter and awful….I know. But, who the hell gets to sleep with their boss at their first job straight out of college and have it all work out into some happily ever after blissful “love of my life” story (in Denver Colorado). It’s just not fair!!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Weekend Half Marathon & 32 Mile Bike
When I was hit with the baby news, I also realized that I might not be able to sleep that night. Fretting over my failed relationship with Rocco had caused me uncountable sleepless night.
BUT, I was scheduled to be at a friend’s home by 6:30 am to drive to a small town an hour from here to participate in my first half marathon of the season so it was damned important that I get a good night’s rest. I told Husband that if I didn’t sleep well I was bagging the race. I did however, sleep most of the night. I was awake for an hour or two but it wasn’t so bad.
~~~~~~
Race Report
The forecast was for it to be unseasonably hot and sunny. The course is a great course for a PR being out and back with no major hills. As usual I was relaxed and not getting worked up about my race or how I would perform (read underprepared), so much so that I didn’t even bring my registration confirmation or ID along.
What went wrong?
I blew up around mile 11 and had very negative thoughts for the balance of my run/walk.
My time was much slower than I had hoped for at exactly two hours.
I forgot to pack snacks and a gel for the race….I could have died!
I didn’t want to go out too fast, but in the final analysis, I probably went out too slow.
I brought my camera along and took NO photos.
What went right?
Packet pick up was a snap and no one asked for any proof that I was me.
My feet survived with no big issues even though I was wearing brand new shoes.
It was a bit cloudy and breezy so I never got over heated.
I did manage to secure a gel from a kind fellow who had an extra so I did not bonk.
I did not get sunburned.
I got to visit with Max (an old friend) for a bit and that was a treat.
Overall I declare the day a huge success though, because I had the best time traveling, running and lunching with my running friends. Really they are such a great group of people and I feel blessed to get to spend time with them. (Although I did have a bit of mommy guilt when we did not arrive home until almost 4 p.m.)
Also, I learned a few lessons about my body and running. I learned that for me, if I am going to race 13 miles I need to run 13 miles on my long training runs. My body has to practice the distance it will be expected to travel.
I have to say that I think a 10k is my favorite distance to run/ race, but there just aren’t that many 10K races here in Columbia and I am not a huge fan of racing out of town…..especially for a race that lasts less than one hour. So I will keep working on my speed and technique for these darn half marathons for a while longer.
~~~~~
Sunday morning I got up early and finally finished our taxes. That is a HUGE relief.
Then I joined some friends for a group bike ride. I ended up riding 32 miles and feeling pretty good after that.
My friends and activities kept my spirits up and I didn’t let the whole Rocco thing ruin my weekend and that makes me thrilled.
BUT, I was scheduled to be at a friend’s home by 6:30 am to drive to a small town an hour from here to participate in my first half marathon of the season so it was damned important that I get a good night’s rest. I told Husband that if I didn’t sleep well I was bagging the race. I did however, sleep most of the night. I was awake for an hour or two but it wasn’t so bad.
~~~~~~
Race Report
The forecast was for it to be unseasonably hot and sunny. The course is a great course for a PR being out and back with no major hills. As usual I was relaxed and not getting worked up about my race or how I would perform (read underprepared), so much so that I didn’t even bring my registration confirmation or ID along.
What went wrong?
I blew up around mile 11 and had very negative thoughts for the balance of my run/walk.
My time was much slower than I had hoped for at exactly two hours.
I forgot to pack snacks and a gel for the race….I could have died!
I didn’t want to go out too fast, but in the final analysis, I probably went out too slow.
I brought my camera along and took NO photos.
What went right?
Packet pick up was a snap and no one asked for any proof that I was me.
My feet survived with no big issues even though I was wearing brand new shoes.
It was a bit cloudy and breezy so I never got over heated.
I did manage to secure a gel from a kind fellow who had an extra so I did not bonk.
I did not get sunburned.
I got to visit with Max (an old friend) for a bit and that was a treat.
Overall I declare the day a huge success though, because I had the best time traveling, running and lunching with my running friends. Really they are such a great group of people and I feel blessed to get to spend time with them. (Although I did have a bit of mommy guilt when we did not arrive home until almost 4 p.m.)
Also, I learned a few lessons about my body and running. I learned that for me, if I am going to race 13 miles I need to run 13 miles on my long training runs. My body has to practice the distance it will be expected to travel.
I have to say that I think a 10k is my favorite distance to run/ race, but there just aren’t that many 10K races here in Columbia and I am not a huge fan of racing out of town…..especially for a race that lasts less than one hour. So I will keep working on my speed and technique for these darn half marathons for a while longer.
~~~~~
Sunday morning I got up early and finally finished our taxes. That is a HUGE relief.
Then I joined some friends for a group bike ride. I ended up riding 32 miles and feeling pretty good after that.
My friends and activities kept my spirits up and I didn’t let the whole Rocco thing ruin my weekend and that makes me thrilled.
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