Accommodating

This morning when I woke up, the house was quiet and the sun was just starting to brighten the woods outside my house. It was just past 5 am on a hot spring morning. As I lay in bed trying to be quiet so I would not wake my husband sleeping next to me, I was thinking how nice it would be to grab a book, step out on the porch and read for a while. Well, of course there would be coffee involved. I knew this would never happen so I put the idea out of my head and eventually had to get up to visit the restroom. This woke my husband so I went ahead and started the coffee. Once coffee was brewed and served, we settled back into bed to watch the morning news and weather forecast. This is his choice as to what to do with our time. I prefer to get my news from the radio and would never flip on the TV if I were home alone. I have given up any hopes of avoiding television in the morning many years ago. I just go with the flow as it is the best strategy…..trust me.

We usually sip coffee and watch TV and enjoy some time alone before the toddler wakes up and raises hell. Of course my husband ALWAYS has to take advantage of the opportunity and try to “get some action”. Again, if he is in the mood I just go along so he will be happy which, in the long run, makes my life a better place. However, this morning, the toddler awoke early and yelled her customary “da-da” before the husband could request his conjugal visit.

He fetched the girl from her bed while I got up and started some morning chores. Once the baby is up there is no point in trying to watch TV. She will just yell or talk over it, basically demand your attention. We usually try to give her some children’s programming to watch so we can get ready to leave for the day. It is a juggling act once she is up.

He asked me what the plan was for the day and I said I had none. I ran yesterday and plan on lifting & running tomorrow so no plan. He wanted to bike to work and I said that would be fine. This leaves me in charge of delivering and picking up the child from school.

At this point I am hoping he leaves soon so I can get ready in peace. It actually goes smoother and quicker if he is not there! The baby will mind me better and I don’t have to clean up after him or walk around him if you know what I mean.

Next I got to thinking it would be nice to ride my bike after work. However, if I am to ride, I would need a babysitter or a trailer for the toddler. I decided I would bring the trailer in case I could not find a babysitter. So I asked if I could drive his car, the SUV so I could haul all this stuff. In fact, I was even thinking I might take a load of trash to work and clean his car out for him while I was at it. He said I could use the car and immediately started to clear it out for me. Not out of consideration but more like he needed to hide his personal stuff before I saw it. Maybe he had a big empty beer can under the seat or a parking ticket lying in the console. (He did actually have a ticket that I noticed last night.)

I asked where the hitch was that hooks the cross bike to the trailer and he told me it was with the trailer. I figured I was set. If he would get out of the way, I could load the trash, finish my packing, load the kid and still have time to make a quick Wal-Mart stop.

Next thing you know, he is loading the bike and trailer in the car. I did not ask him to do this; he was trying to be nice. I thought…….fine…..I will put the trash in later when he is not looking. Unload bike at work so I can vacuum later. I adjusted all my plans so I didn’t have to say. “Shit honey will you just get the hell out of here and let me handle this…..I know what I want to do and you are in the way!”

There is more packing and planning. I make sure I have my sunglasses and purse out of my car, etc. etc. Before long, Beanie is running out of patience with us both packing and scurrying around and wants attention. I decide to do her hair and dad offers to read her a book. I say “NO, we need to do her hair so we can leave.” By now, time is ticking away and I need to get going or I won’t make it to work on time. All hopes of a Wal-Mart stop were given up. After I did her hair he hauled her to the car…….and I had to stop him. “I am not ready yet, you may leave if you need to.” He was just in the way and driving me nuts. Why doesn’t he just go already? I found my bike clothes and packed them as our baby threw a fit when he hauled her back into the house. I think he was stalling in hopes I would leave and he could masturbate which is his all time favorite thing to do beside drink beer. (Really men just make me sick sometimes.)

He brushes his teeth and leaves the light on so I make a trip into the bedroom to turn it off. I remind him he can leave. He tells me that I need a tube for my tire and that I should go buy one at lunch time. Now, this leads into another conversation that was rather lengthy and annoying and I will spare you the details but, it all boils down to this. He will not leave my shit alone so when he doesn’t know where something is he assumes I took it. But, I don’t have control over anything anymore and generally have no idea where he puts his shit or my shit that I used to know where it was and kept it there for a reason. I have given up long ago having any control over my fanny pack on my bike and just take what he gives me. Worse case, I have to walk a bike back to the car or swing by the bike shop and I can do those if I have to. But, I would rather just pack what I want and have it there if I need it, but that doesn’t work so I just let it go.

He pilfered my stuff when I was pregnant and made me so angry and his response was ”well you are not using it.” No duh, I’m not using it, I am sick and fat and lugging your unborn child around inside me. But still, I think I should be able to say this stuff is mine and you stay out of it……NO?

By now I am standing in the garage crying and destined to be late for work. Seriously I need to figure out a better way cause this shit aint working. A person can only give in and let go so much.

My Mother made me Do It

Funny excerpt from an article found on Yahoo:

Question: Can a man and a woman ever just be friends?
Answer: For a short time perhaps. Making the friendship last requires that you find each other at least vaguely repulsive. Good luck!
My comment: I have found this to be so true and I wish more people understood it!! Hell, I wish I had understood it much earlier in my life, it could have saved a lot of heart ache. It's just nature.....we are animals!

Question: Why do we turn into our parents when we swore we wouldn't?
Answer: Because really, when all is said and done, we admire them.

My comment: If you're lucky!! I think we turn into our parents because they gave us the genetics that make us who we are and made them who they are. I know plenty of people who don’t really admire their parents (I, of course, am one of them) yet more and more, I do become like them whether I like it or not.

Question: Can a half-empty person become a half-full person?
Answer: A current theory is that people have an "emotional set point." Some folks are just made happier than others. Pessimists will see this as bad news, believing it really doesn't matter what you do -- they are never going to be any happier. But there is hope -- as any optimist will see! Happiness has more to do with how you construe the events in your life than the actual events themselves.

My comment: Yea, after years and years of trying to become the person I want to be only to find myself reverting to the old me.....or worse yet.....acting like my parents. I think that here again, genetics trumps all and you will probably be one or the other no matter which one you WANT to be.

The Day I Got Hauled Off to Jail!

It was a Tuesday morning (4-14-09).  I got up at 5 as usual and ran six miles with my friends.  After the run, I jumped back in my car and headed for home.  On the drive back I noticed I was running a bit late and I was considering whether or not I should skip my cup of coffee and head straight to the shower in order to save myself 5 minutes getting ready for work.

As I neared the road that I live on, I saw a car driving oddly slow up in front of me.  As I got closer I realized he was about to stop completely right in the middle of Rt. E, a two lane county highway with a speed limit of 55.  It was a state patrol car and I thought he was being really weird, but what did I care, I was just thinking about coffee.

I slowed down and pulled up behind him and he started to move again.  He then turned into my road and stopped, blocking it completely so I could not turn.  I stopped and turned on my turn signal and rolled down my window.  I was still rather hot and sweaty from running and my windows were fogging up from slowing my car down.

He then pulled out of the way so I could turn in.  After I turned in, he flipped on his lights and started following me.  “Damn it……what the hell is going on?” I thought.  I just wanted my coffee and Husband was, no doubt, anxiously waiting for me to return so he could pass the baby to me and leave for work.

I pulled over on our narrow country road as best I could.  It has no shoulder and is barely wide enough for two cars to pass.  It is not gravel, but it has no stripes or anything.   There are not that many houses out our way so there is not a lot of traffic on our street.

I was already warm since I was wearing running tight and two layers of long sleeve running technical fabric tops and now that I had stopped I was really overheating.   My window was still down so I decided to get out of the car rather than sit and sweat profusely.  Besides, I was a bit nervous about what the heck was taking place here in the middle of nowhere at 7 am.  I got out and looked and Mr. State Trooper who was just sitting in his car behind me….no doubt running my plates or something.  As I stood there waiting I did some nervous walking……took maybe 7 steps out into the road.

He finally got out of the car and said something in a snide tone like “where do you think you are going?” or something like that.  I said “no where”.

He put his hat on and started marching towards me and again said something like “what is your problem?”  I told him I was anxious because I had no idea why he pulled me over.  He then got even angrier with me and said “you do to”.  I assured him I was very confused and he asked me to get back in my car which I did.  I explained that I was overheating and asked if I could take off one of my tops.  He said Ok and I did.

He then asked me again why he pulled me over…..I thought for a moment and knew my plates were not expired and I had not been speeding and I said “I have no idea”.

He was notably agitated and acting rather strange, so I looked back and checked his car again…..Yea; it looked like a real state trooper’s car.  He then told me my window tinting was why he pulled me over.  I then said “Ohhhhh, is that it?”  I had heard my windows may be over the legal limit, but had forgotten all about it.

Evidently my relief was interpreted as being a smart ass and he was in no mood to play.  He then asked for my driver’s license and registration.  I thought for a moment and realized my ID was at the house.  I had it in my jacket pocket with my credit card from the night before when I ran in the store.  I explained my driver’s license was at the house, just up the street (less than a mile) in my jacket and we could go get it.  He then asked if I had any other forms of ID with me and I told him I had my wallet, but not my ID so yea…..I had credit card and check book and everything.  Meanwhile I am thinking he knows who I am because he ran the plates and I am pretty obviously just a regular person out for a morning run.  How threatening could a girl in spandex tights be?

I handed him the check book and insurance card and he made a comment like since I was being so difficult I would need to go back to his car with him while he ran the stuff.  Now, this guy had been rather twitchy all this time and he was really scaring me and I didn’t want to get in his car with him so I said something like (my exact words elude me) “I’d rather not, I will be good if I can stay here.”  I honestly didn’t think he had ordered me to his car, I thought he had told me if I was going to be an ass I would have to go to his car.

He then threw the contents of his hands on the ground, grabbed me with both his hands and violently pulled me out of the car.  He was very rough and forceful.  He twisted me around and pressed my front side against the car and put his hand cuffs on me as tight as he could.  He pinched them down all the way with a lot of force.  I was IN TOTAL SHOCK AT THIS POINT!!

He then physically pulled me over to his car.  I was not really allowed to walk properly; it was more like he kept me at an odd angle and went fast so I could not get a footing.  He sat me in the front seat and locked the door and shut it.  Now I was sitting on my hands and that hurt and he had his heater blowing full blast and I started to cry.  This was all very scary and he seemed out of his mind and I could not think of what to do but to sit there and cry.  So I did.

He went back and started searching my car.  He dumped out my purse, emptied the glove box and center counsel.  He popped open the hatch and went through the back of my car as well.   He searched under the seat and pulled Zoe’s picture ID out of my wallet.  This went on for what seemed like an eternity.  Meanwhile I’m thinking my station wagon with car seat in the back surely does not look like I’m packing drugs or illegal stuff so this guy is just out of his mind.  I felt so violated by this man I had never met before who was touching all my personal stuff and rooting through my car.

I started to get angry.  This was all so crazy.  Why would this guy feel the need to be such an asshole to me at 7 O CLOCK IN THE MORNING?

He came back to the patrol car and had my cell phone and Zoe’s ID in his hand.  While he was searching my car, he was on his walky talky thing that was on his shoulder so I was pretty sure they were telling him everything they knew about me, my daughter and my car.

He got in the car and reached in back and got some gel hand sanitizer and rubbed his hands with it.  I begged him to turn down the heat as I was cooking to death and he did.  He then got out a card and READ ME MY MIRANDA RIGHTS.  My head was spinning, what the hell is this guy doing?   Why would I need my rights read to me for a tinted window ticket?  The next thing he did was ask me if I had any prior arrests.  By now, I was pretty sure the guy was nuts-o and that anything and everything I said or did would be considered wrong and I was angry and figured I was fucked anyhow so I said “you have the computer, you have the power, you already know so why are you asking me?”

He immediately said something like “that’s it, you’re going down town” and put the car in gear and squealed the tires as he did a violent u-turn on my little narrow road.  I was scared beyond belief.  I still had no idea what he was thinking or doing.  I still wondered if he was a real cop or just a whack job that was going to take me off and kill me.

I continued to sob and all I could think was that my husband was no doubt angry and worried that I was not home yet and wondering what the hell happened.  As we drove I continued to sob and asked him what was happening.  He said he was taking me to the station.  I asked where and he told me the County jail.  I asked why and he said so he could find out who I was.  I suspected that was not the real reason he was hauling me in and I certainly didn’t want to go to the County jail.  That is where they held my son when he was arrested.  I had been there to visit him at least once.  Very bad memories!

It was a long drive and I asked him a few questions in between my fearful sobs.  He told me that nobody has a license and doesn’t have it on them that he was sure I did not have one.  I didn’t think that really made sense since he had a computer and a walky-talky and I assume the records would have told him if I did not have a driver’s license.  Did he think I stole the car in my spandex tights and running shoes at 7 am?

He also explained that getting out of the car was strange behavior.  Now, how many times did I explain to him that I was hot?  Later a friend told me you are not supposed to leave the vehicle.  I did not know that.  I was on my own road and so close to home and overheating so I got out.  If I would have known it was such a bad move I certainly would not have done it.

We got to the jail house and pulled into the Sally Port.  (It has a big sign on it that says Sally Port.) He asked me if I had any hidden weapons on me because he could not pat me down.  I assured him that under my skin tight spandex pants and top was nothing but a spandex sports bra.  He escorted me in and a women officer patted me down.

They then asked me if I was going to “bond out”.  At the time they asked I honestly had no idea what that meant and said “what?”  They acted annoyed, like I was being a smart ass.  I was thinking to myself that they assume everyone is an expert at this shit and knows the drill.  I had never been arrested before how was I supposed to know any of this?  Why can’t they speak plainly and explain to me what is going on!?!?!

They also kept asking me where I worked which I thought was odd.  I still have no idea why.  Then they asked me who my next of kin was.   Again, what are they wanting and why?  I said “you mean who my retirement benefits go to if I die?” They finally said who would pick me up.  I thought…..well hell, why not ask me that then?  So I told them to call my husband.

They then did finger prints and a mug shot.  I know I looked like hell.  I had been out running with no makeup on and then cried for an hour or so……I can only imagine what it looks like.  BTW - They didn’t offer to show it to me.  It makes me ill that I am now “in the system”.

Next they sat me in a 5x5 holding cell.  It was cinder blocks with a big metal door and a stainless steel toilet and sink combo.  There was a concrete ledge to sit on, not a chair.  I sat there and got extremely cold.   Sitting on cold concrete in wet spandex really sucks.  I was bored out of my mind and had no watch to check the time so it seemed like I was there for an eternity.

A few hours later my husband arrived to get me out.  He had the baby in the car and she was a mess.  She had a full diaper and she was not dressed properly, etc.  He told me that first they told him to go to the State Patrol headquarter which he did.  It took a while before they told him I was not there and sent him down town to the City station.  They told him to go out to the County jail.  So they totally gave him the run around.  Plus, he had to go to the grocery store and get milk for the baby since he had not planned on being out for so long and did not pack a diaper bag.  I felt sorry for him and also worried he would be angry at me.  I think the first thing I said to him was “don’t even make me feel worse than I already do!!”

After my husband paid them the $500 bond they made me sign a form.  I read it and it said I was arrested for disobeying a State Patrol Officer!!  This was the first I knew what I was being held for.  I looked at the lady and said I would not sign it (she was behind the bullet proof glass and had slid out in the tray).  She told me I was not allowed to leave if I did not.  I felt so helpless.  Like the guy could do whatever he wanted and I was at his mercy.

When I got to work, I contracted our attorney and she promptly got the whole thing straightened out.  In the end, I paid a $65 ticket for the window tinting, $100 for court costs (I never appeared in court the attorney negotiated it all) and I paid my lawyer $350 to fix it.  She encouraged me to press charges against the officer.  She told me she was confident that he was in the wrong and that some cops are just bad seeds.  I think she just wanted more of my money.  I really don’t trust anybody anymore and was not about to mess with that state patrol officer anymore.

Thought for the Day

You ever notice that when people brake up or get divorced, they lose weight, get a new hair style and buy new clothes and look better than ever.

I always wonder why they can’t do that before the break up?
Heck, it may even help prevent the break up………I’m just sayin’.

joke of the day

Too Late

Today I had an epiphany!!

I put a post on Facebook mentioning that the oil spill was freaking me out and that it was upsetting me greatly what this would do to our planets eco system. A friend commented “too late”. And then it hit me….TOO LATE…..is a recurring theme in my life. The highest anxiety (for me and maybe for everyone) comes when it is too late……..when there is no turning back….when I can’t fix a problem.

The oil is out there and they can’t get it back. It will ruin so much and there is not a damn thing I can do about it and it makes me sad and anxious. I think it is human nature to want control of your life and when things like this happen it highlights how little control we all have over our own lives and even over the destiny of our own planet.

I remember when I was in grade school I lost something that was important to me and I could not get it back. (and no it was not my virginity) I had worn a new necklace that was a gift from my Grandmother to school and at lunch time, I took it off because it was bother me or something. Wanting to keep it safe, I stuffed into my brown paper lunch sack. Later that evening, at home, I remember what I had done, and in the lunch room confusion, after I had eaten all my food I threw the bag away! As I lay in bed that night I remember the overwhelming anxiety that it was too late to get the bag back…..it was too late to just not throw it out. I thought about going up to the school and looking in the dumpster but realized that would be futile. I could hardly sleep that night and the whole incident ate at me days. I mean I still remember it so well now some 35 years later.

Later in life I find myself always wanting to turn back time and fix this or that……but it is too late. Often people will give you a pep talk and say thing like “IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!” and I know that is wrong. You can’t bring back dead babies. You can’t protect your teen agers from messing up their whole lives. You can’t take back your action that led to the misunderstanding that led to the end of love. You can’t go back in life and do things better or different and sometimes that is the only way you can make the current time be right.

The Buddhist in me knows that where you are is where you should be……..but the mind can look back and regret and for me the regret is so big and strong that it is very hard to get past it. I know that sometimes it really is too late.