I remember the first time I ever biked there like it was yesterday. I was following the x-boyfriend and our friend John. I was on my $500 Giant Iguana bike (starter bike, no shocks). I was plodding along when we came to a flat area by the creek. In the spring, tiny blue flowers cover the ground, almost like grass. (I think they are called Woodland Phlox.) As we rode through this picturesque landscape, I marveled at how beautiful it was and the boys got way ahead of me. Eventually, they figured out I was no longer behind them and turned back to find me. I was riding along, minding my own business, just as happy as a lark. When they came back to me they said something like “where were you…why didn’t you keep up?” And I responded saying “I didn’t know we were racing!” The boys laughed at me and found my comment endearing. I felt loved. I felt great joy and the beauty of my bike ride. It was a precious moment in my life. Mentally I was in such a wonderful place.Last night, the hubby and I went mountain biking on those same trails. He, of course, went at his speed and I went at mine, so we did not see each other at all. I am OK with this….it is no fun to wait on a slow person. Last night, the flowers were out and as I rode that section of trail I longed for those days when I felt loved and safe and great beauty and joy in life. I wasn't sad, just mildly wistful.
Back at the car, after the ride, my husband went to put my bike in the car and I asked why he had to take the back wheel off to put it in the huge SUV (it is hard to get back together as you must get the chain all back on). He thought I was being bitchy and said I could put it my car then. I said OK, but he put it in his car anyway and then started to drive off without a word to me, no good-bye or nothing. So I stopped him before he could drive off and asked what was wrong. I mean just driving off was rather rude and, I guess I had hoped he would be a good mood or even amorous after a nice mountain bike ride. He said I was being a jerk about how he put the bike up. I am sure he was overreacting; I was not being that rude or snide about it. Sometimes I just can’t win if he is in the right mood….or should I say wrong mood. Now my feelings were hurt and I was frustrated that he was making a perfectly nice time into a sucky time.
While I drove home by myself (we took separate cars) I kept telling myself that it is not me, it is him. I don't want to beat myself up for causing trouble if it was not really my fault. He just gets moody and generally there is no good reason for it. When this happens, things tick him off that other times would not matter at all. His moodiness has been very minor since we got married, but not all gone. In the past he would be moody for days at a time. I am sure it will get worse and better over time depending on what is going on in our lives. I know this is just who he is. I wish it weren’t, but it is. If I were young and had more options, I would certainly say it would be a good reason NOT to marry him.
Despite knowing it was him, not me, I was still disappointed that we couldn’t have had a nice time back at the car, chatting a bit, loading bikes together, maybe sitting on a bench and being affectionate before we raced home to the kid. But instead it turned into a needless spat.
Then, still driving, I turned the music up and I felt another familiar mood; the so very alone and sad mood. I felt that familiar weight of deep despair in my chest. I thought of the many, many times I had driven home that same way, by myself, music turned up loud, feeling so sad that I wanted to die. The sadness felt so familiar…..like a long lost friend. The minute I let my guard down there it is……wanting me back. It is always waiting for me in the wings, ready to pounce. In a way, the familiarity of it is comforting. It is a feeling I know so well. A feeling I have spent many years with. A feeling I wish I could never have again. A feeling I wish i had never met.
