Thinking Out Loud….Keeping it Real.

1) I know that my husband means well, that he loves me and he wants me to be happy. I don’t know how to tell him what I need. I think if I could do that he would be happier knowing what to do and I would be happier too. His natural instinct of what to do is pretty off from what I need.

2) I actively seek out people to give me positive feedback so I feel worthy. I am not capable of feeling worthy on my own. I do not know how to love myself. I only know how to feel good when OTHERS are giving me love or positive attention. I only see my value as how i am of value to others.

On the flip side, I am way to easily emotionally decimated when a person I care about is mad at me or is negative to me at all.

3) Negative spirals happen in my head all the time and I can’t seem to stop them. I literally think myself into a hole all the time. I MUST learn to stop this.

4) I am a terrible communicator. I can type a memo at work that rocks, but when it comes to personal relationships I really don’t seem to ever properly convey to others how I really feel, what I really think or what I expect / need.

5) Taking that a step farther I would go so far as to say I don’t know how to connect with others therefore I always long for closer friends or more friends (better relationships). I always see other peoples bonds and wonder why I can’t have that too.

6) I have been trained to try and keep those around me happy, to not make waves, to be invisible less I get in the line of fire. As an adult, these skills are NOT working for me.

7) I can’t lose the last 5 pounds I need / want to lose because I keep numbing my mind with wine. I am now, drinking almost a whole bottle every day!

8) I really would like to be in a stable and loving relationship. BUT, I do not believe it is possible, AND even if it was, it would not last and I would lose ANOTHER loved one which would hurt so badly that I could not bear it so therefore I am probably better off to not love anyone. Then again…..the thing I want more than anything in the world is to love and feel loved!

9) I feel like I am working really hard (and have been for the past 10 years) to figure out what is wrong with me and work on it and become a better person. I also feel that NO ONE appreciates that or understands that but me. I guess it is wrong for me to expect anyone else to understand or give me credit for working so hard. In fact most people seem to think I am wasting my time and I need to “get over it”. I think that is why the blogs help….at least someone gets it. (why does that matter so much???)

10) Rocco always made me feel loved and safe…..for years. No one had ever done that before. Until he didn’t and it ruined any sense of stability in my heart and mind. (I figured out that both Rocco and his wife are triggers for me...no wonder they "scare" me!)

Emotional Abuse

After talking with George last week, I decided to seek out more information on emotional abuse.

Since I became an adult I knew my parents had been somewhat physically abusive with me but until today I don’t think I really understood how much I was emotionally abused as a child and all the harm it has done in my life.

In the past I have said “I have emotional scars from my child hood” and I mainly attributed that to Pop leaving me and not showing me any love or attention.

But now I am thinking “I was emotionally abused as a child and I have a whole set off issues that I am now left to deal with”.

When I was talking to George I kept crying because I kept thinking how my parents did not allow me to actually be a person and stuffed all my thoughts and feeling down my throat. For some reason the word “stuffed” was what came to mind. They did not yell at me, but they did not allow me to talk much less have an opinion or feelings. They robbed me of any and all power/strength. The worst beating I ever received was for simply saying NO.

So…I Googled “Emotionally abused as a child” and it’s me….ALL the issues I have rolled into one package. So here is the list of Characteristics of Emotionally Abused People:

• We have feelings of low self- esteem (This is a result of being criticized too often as children and teenagers.)

• We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionist, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.

• We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.

• We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain "loyal" in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved.

• We are afraid of losing others.

• We are afraid of being abandoned.

• It is difficult for us to "let go." <<< I really need to get past this one!

• We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

• We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities. <<< My husband!?!

• We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power)
as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. And we confuse love with need. <<< Maybe I am not really sure what love is. Isn’t that sad.

• We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others' problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.

• We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.

• We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.

• We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us from ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. Because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won't eventually leave us once they see how "bad" we are.

• Denial, isolation, control, shame, and undeserved guilt are legacies from our family. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.

• We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions. We often become codependent.

• We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end. << Ha! The one thing I would say is NOT me. I learned years ago if you have ADD and you procrastinate you will NEVER get ANYTHING accomplished. I tend to actually be overly aggressive and try to get more done than I really should.

• We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.

Now that I have a nice neat title for all this crap I hope I can finally get on the path to improvement because quite honestly I started back to therapy over 6 months ago and mostly I feel worse, not better, than I have in years. All this self exploration is so draining.

George is a Smarty-Pants

So the first thing he asked me when I got there today is “what can I do for you?”

I responded with “fix me”.  He says well…if you were fixed, how would your world be different?

I told him I would view my life as being more pleasure than pain; that the joy would be worth the sorrow.  That I often don’t want to get up and do the day.  I wish I could just hide out from the real world.

Then we spent a long time talking about depression.  He pointed out that I do get out of bed every day.  I said but I don’t want to.  He said but you do.  I told him I needed to work for money.  He praised me for making decisions that are good for me.

We talked about how my husband is being so much kinder to me lately.  I told him I think it is because he is afraid I am about to lose my mind and he doesn’t want to trigger my breakdown.  I seriously think husband feels like I am on the verge of some total collapse and he is scared.

George grilled me on why I have to paint a negative story for his motivation.  Why can’t I just think husband loves me and wants me to be happy and is doing a better job at being a good husband like I have always wanted?  I told George that after years of him being a jerk to me it is hard to believe he has changed.  I have been conditioned over the past 6 years.  George points out that he is giving me more of what I want….that things are better….that I should be happy progress is being made in the right direction.

And you know what?  It irritated the shit out of me that George makes it so damn simple.  I am realizing that I am totally resistant to the idea that my husband may actually have admirable motives.  I suppose it is counterproductive of me to be so negative and defensive.  So frustrating.

Then in the last few minutes of our session I told him how screwed up every relationship in my life is and how I am tired of having to find my inner “I don’t give a fuck” to get thru the day.

He pointed out that I have to quit expecting people to be what they are not. That if my brother doesn’t want to be in touch then I need to except that and not let it bother me.  I told him I want to have a real family.  He pointed out that I have the family I have and that isn’t going to change just because I don’t like it. 

He is right you know.  I let the fact that my family is all fucked up get to me and really there is no reason to do that.  I let myself get angry or mad…..I make myself upset.  Why do I do that to myself???

I guess I am just mad (in general) that I don’t have a good supportive family, that my marriage is so much less than I had hoped, that my teenagers have fucked up priorities, that my job situation is deteriorating every day and finding a new job is not going to be easy or quick, that friends have abandoned me, etc. etc.

Life is fucking disappointing!

AND THEN WE WERE OUT OF TIME….just when it was getting really good.

So next week I need to go in and tell him “I want to be less angry at the world for not being the way I want it”  “I want to be able to appreciate the fact that my husband is better than he was instead of still seeing him as a mere fraction of what I want and need in a spouse.”  “Make me see a glass half full not half empty!!”

UGH!!!

Does this make sense?

For years and years I so wanted Husband to let me in (to his heart).  For years and years I longed to be closer to him.  I put up with crazy things hoping that someday things would turn out fine.  And then I got tired of it and quit trying.  It was easier to just mentally walk away than to keep getting rejected.  At some point you turn off your feeling in a self preservation effort.  I finally gave up (in my heart) because I was just too tired and weary of the whole thing.  This was after we went to therapy together and it was such a flop.  After the Italy trip I just decided to live my life more on my own.

As one of my books says “I decided to get my needs met elsewhere”

And I really didn’t understand this until recently when he started putting forth the effort and I was at a loss to be appreciative and receive it.  I realize that now I am the one that is incapable of being intimate.  I have gotten so far away.  I just feel like we are strangers.

And as I lay there at night thinking I hate that we don’t cuddle…..I don’t really wish he would cuddle any more.  I am used to him not cuddling.  That is where my comfort is now.  I am in the habit of resenting his distance yet at the same time, I don’t think I really want it to change anymore.  Or at least I don’t feel excited about it changing.  It just feels wrong somehow.

To explaine in a different way: I knocked on the door and he would not open it for YEARS.  I patiently knocked on the door and desperately wanted him to open it…but he didn’t.   Finally, I gave up and sat down on the porch and said “FINE…I don’t want in your fucking house any more”.  At first I didn’t mean it, I was just frustrated but then I made new friends out on the street and I got used to being on that porch all on my own.  It became my place; my domain.  I no longer worried as much about getting in the door.  Sure I still thought it would be cool to get in but deep down inside I was over it. 

So now he opens the door and he says “come on in…it’s what you’ve always wanted!”  And I don’t feel like I want to any more.  I feel like it’s too late.  I feel like I have set up this whole life out on the porch and I can’t just ignore it because he finally decided to open the door. 

Besides I don’t know what it would be like in there.  I’m comfortable out here.

I don’t know if I can forgive him for not opening the door years ago.  Not just because it hurt me and upset me but because really, who the hell puts their pregnant girlfriend on the porch and doesn’t WANT them in the house.  That’s just ignorant shit to do to another person!

Maybe I just have a lot of hostility and once I get it out I can go through the door?

(George says I have to let go of the past and appreciate him for trying and realize that people change.)

It Should Not Be This Hard

This weekend my husband tried VERY hard to be sweet and nice and kind and do anything I wanted.  I realize this, appreciate it and it makes me happy to know that he IS trying.

BUT, at the same time we grated on each other’s nerves, disappointed each other, miscommunicated, annoyed and in general did not get along well.  It is SO frustrating that we are both trying and we both mean well and it still just doesn’t work out.

So then I wonder if there is no way we will ever be happy or even satisfied with each other.  Maybe, just maybe we will never get past the point of “not meshing well”. 

Who knows?

I wish I did.  I can’t stand the idea of getting divorced and I can’t stand the idea of living so uncomfortably for the foreseeable future.

He thinks I expect too much too fast….that I don’t have enough patience to let things change gradually and just be happy that they are improving at all.  And you know what?  He is RIGHT.  I am not a patient person.  I am frustrated.  I am tired.  I am worried that years and years will go by and I will wish I had not wasted years of my life on a relationship that will never work for me.

Life is Fun?

What do I do that is fun?.....What fun do I have?

I guess running with my running friends is fun and I get to do that normally. Thanks to the weather and my surgery, it has been over a month since I got to have this fun.

I rent movies from Netflix, but that really isn’t fun. If I want to watch a movie, I have to wait until my child is in bed and then I can start the movie. She usually doesn’t go to bed until between 8 and 9 and she gets up around 6 am; so generally, even if I start a move at 9, I can’t stay awake to finish it. And, on top of the toddler problem, I also have the husband problem. He tends to not want to watch most of the movies I want to watch, so I end up watching them alone. SO, a movie also cuts into any couple time we might be able to get away with which is totally rare when your toddler sleeps from 9-6.

I used to ride my bike for fun. Now it is hard to make time to ride since I have a toddler (and its winter).

I used to go out with friends.....husband + toddler = no social life!

I love, absolutely love to travel. But, since I got pregnant, I have not gone on a single trip. It has been 3 years now. In fact, I missed my period right as I was leaving for Colorado in February of 2007 and that was my last trip. I went to the doctor when I got home and found out I was not alone, I had a Bean in the oven!

I could go on a trip now, but the economy is so jacked up I feel I need to save my money for house payments should I lose my job. My husband is sort of not working right now and that is a bit scary too.

I used to have fun with my husband.....well, back then he was my boyfriend.....and back then we didn’t have a toddler.

Golly, I sure make it sound like having a toddler has ruined my life. And that is not how I feel at all. I love my daughter and she brings me great joy, but, she is not really “fun”. She is work. She is rewarding work that makes me feel grounded and needed. She keeps life in perspective.

Maybe the moral of the story is that I need to MAKE time for some fun once in a while so I don’t get so bunched up and crabby feeling that I never have any!