I just didn't feel like blogging.... so I didn't.
Life has been pretty shitty and ultimately I created this mess and at some point the last thing you feel like doing is sharing how fucked up your life has become.
This morning I am just waiting for Beanie to wake up. I was sitting at the computer messing around in email and suddenly felt the urge to type a post. So here I am.
I will try and catch you all up a bit....but I sure don't want to type up big stupid paragraphs...so you get this:
I got a job and start work on December 28th.
I still have to help the Construction company out too....I am going to be extremely busy.
Kevin is sleeping in the basement and we pretty much try to stay out of each others way.
I wish he would get his stuff out of my bedroom and put it in his downstairs, but when I asked him to a large fight ensued. I am sick of fighting.
I ,may buy him out of the house so I don't have to move....but this is more house than I need or want.
JDK just got back from a week in Florida with his girlfriend.
I loved having my daughter full time for the past week.
I felt chumpy to the x though....who now has the option to vacation for a week without kid because of me. When married we didn't have a babysitter we could use for more than 2 days.
I was never board or lacked for things to do when not working. In fact, I still have a huge list of things I want to do before I start my new job but obviously I am about out of time. This is why mom's used to stay at home....it is a full time job.
Friss hates the new camp where he is at and we are working to get him transferred again.
Ramone's pit-bull Tifa (belonged to her dead boyfriend) is having puppies right now as we speak.
Monster's girlfriend just graduated from college. She has a degree in forestry (sigh)....still she graduated!
Going to see my brother for Christmas. I guess my family is mostly just me and him these days.
What I am grateful for:
1) That I am not living check to check. That I probably can buy him out.....I have some money saved up.
2) That I have had more time with my kids this last year. They truly are what matters most to me.
3) That the Construction company kept me on their insurance and has continued to help me out through all this.
4) That I get to talk to Friss so much. He has been the brightest spot of the year.
5) That I basically got a year off work and will not show a gap in my employment!
6) My brother Bill has been very kind these last few months when I needed a place to escape to.
7) Everyone is basically healthy.
What upsets me lately:
1) I had a year off work and I didn't properly enjoy it. Instead it was filled with sorrow and pain.
2) Once I start the new job I won't be able to take off work for my kids for at least the first 6 months. During this time I will have to rely on JDK and his girlfriend to cover sick days and school days off. I don't like that one bit.
3) Child support fight is back on!
4) Kevin and I aren't in a relationship anymore but I don't feel free to do as I want since he is here in the house and willing to fight with me if I do anything to hack him off. I hope to get this figured out after the holidays. I feel so trapped.
5) I know that JDK is a big fat liar, but my daughter worships him. I know she will learn in time but for the next few years I get to watch him lie to her and her buy his lies. (For example...he missed her winter school concert while on vacation. He told her it was a business trip and he HAD to go. 1/2 truth! First two days of week long trip was a business thing. He missed her concert while on the vacation portion of the trip.)
In hind sight, I think the hardest thing to stomach is that I didn't know Kevin at all. That the real Kevin is not a person I like even a little bit. He put on a good front for a long time. I feel like a fool though.....like I should have figured it out sooner....before I got in so deep.
And the pain of knowing that JDK was so intentionally not participating in our marriage is going to take a long time to wear off. The fact that he tries so hard to connect to me now really just makes it worse. I have tried to go no contact but I am not strong enough. I do try to remember that all words he says mean nothing and that he is a shitty person who would cheat on even the new girlfriend who he seems to like more than any other women he has ever known.
OHHHHH and one other thing to bitch about!!!!
My old blog, the family one, well I can't get into it anymore!! Such a bad deal.
Since Google bought out blogger you have to have a Google log-in to get to blogger. So I spent a whole day trying to get it to work and it wont. They said they would send me an email of how to recover it but the email never came. This really sucks. There is a huge part of my life in that blog! And some things I don't think I want my daughter to read. UGH
