Slow Progress

If I am to be 100% honest, husband and I are getting along better than we ever have. He is being more attentive and I am being more open and honest. I think he is too. I still don’t feel close to him. I am still trying to shake the past. I still don’t feel he is my “friend”. But I feel less like he is just a jerk and we put up with each other.

I told George that Husband was good while on vacation. He said that was great. I said but good means he didn’t give me the silent treatment or get grumpy. It means he wasn’t a total jerk. He was pleasant. But, when we went off together, he just tried to get sex from me and I tried to get him to talk to me and he just doesn’t converse. I get one word answers out of him or verbal grunts that say “I hear you”. I pretty much find it impossible to be friends with someone who doesn’t enjoy talking with me. To me that is a sign you are interested in someone…..you enjoy interacting with them (other than sex).

I swear when we were dating he wasn’t this way. I would have been totally bored with him. I would not have hung around him.

Last Friday night I was trying to tell Husband about the whole emotional abuse stuff. I was trying to share with him that I have figured some stuff out. This is stuff he should know if he has to live with me…for the rest of his life. I tried to explain and of course he took it all wrong and assumed I was saying I don’t trust him when I told him I always worry that our marriage won’t last because in my experience all the people I love leave me. My point was that I am insecure. He turned it into I don’t trust him. He was a dick after that so the conversation ended.

Saturday morning I did a rather long group bike ride and kept thinking about how I hate it when he assumes something and then tunes me out. Instead of us discussing his feeling and me clarifying what I meant and us both feeling the subject got fully and accurately communicated he just gets defensive and retreats into his happy place where he lives in his own head and ignores me.

So when I got home from the ride I walked in and told him this. “I know you misunderstood me last night and I really think we need to discuss it because it is really not necessary for you to be walking around here grumpy and quiet because you think I said something that I really never meant to say.” He then told me I had stopped the discussion not him. I reminded him that things were getting emotional so I said let’s just go to sleep because I have been told over and over again that I can’t talk to him if I am being emotional.

I stood there in the kitchen and told him that I NEED to be able to talk to him; that I can’t keep everything to myself just to make him happy. That our marriage CAN NOT work for me if we can’t be comfortable speaking freely with each other.

He said he was all for discussion as long as I keep it *positive*. I told him that I can’t promise that all marriage issues we need to discuss can be discussed in a “positive” way. And then I said “and it is not fair for you to tell me that you won’t talk to me unless it’s pleasant for you. Basically you are saying that our marriage is not as important to you as your own personal comfort at a particular moment. Life and marriage are not always fun or easy so you need to understand that if we are to have REAL relationship there will be some unpleasant conversations.”

Husband thought for a moment and then told me I was right. He seemed to really mean it. I think he has been better ever since. Yeah for progress.

Porn update:
Since he pitched the porn I have been really really trying to have more sex with him. At times it is hard for me because I feel used. I know he just NEEDS his “release”. But, at other times I feel more attracted to him and attractive in general knowing he hasn’t recently been whacking off to a naked stranger on a DVD.

Flea Update:
Their father paid to get the flea issue fixed.

Uwe is Triggering Me

So we all know that Uwe has been unkind to me lately. That he has upset me and made me cry. Now we all know why I am so sensitive to his “rejection” because it is triggering the childhood trauma in me that feels no one will love her and people she loves keep hurting her.

I have been making it a point to stay out of harm’s way. I have not been going around him much and especially not if I sense he is spoiling for a fight. He has been better lately and I am not sure why. He of course is still blaming me for all this.

I know that George warned me that I need to think before I react. I actually did do it yesterday morning when Uwe said something unkind and I just sat there. I didn’t cry or anything. He then said “I guess that sounded mean….I was just kidding”. I think his *jokes* illustrate his low opinion of me at this point.

Then last night after our group bike ride I had planned to just go home and not stay and tailgate party in the lot with my friends mostly to avoid him. Then I remembered I had some business with Ashton. She was supposed to have brought a bike rack for me to buy for Valarie. I went over to talk to her and Uwe offered me a Limarita. I told him no thank you so he reached back in his cooler and pulls out a frozen fruity drink. Again I say no thank you and start talking to Ashton again. THEN he pulled out a pumpkin beer and offers it to me. As I was saying “now that I will take”, Bob spoke up and asked for it. He handed it to Bob and when I got his attention back I told him I WOULD take one of those. Uwe then YELLED at me that he only had one more and it was HIS (it was more words than that but I can’t recall exactly how it went). He was very dismissive (who cares what you want in his voice) and I was immediately hurt then pissed. My head felt hot and before I thought about it I flipped him the bird, said “FUCK YOU” and stormed off. Probably would have been better to dissolve into tears this time. But I am actually feeling a bit less hurt by him and more mad which is an improvement.

Being there were about 20 people watching he followed me and apologized and tried to give me his beer. (I am positive if no one was around he would not have even pretended to care.) I was feeling embarrassed and wanted to leave but assumed it might be best if I acted fine and joined the group so I did. I really just want to cry A LOT, and then disappear from the face of the earth. But instead I had to walk over to the group and play it cool.

Tater knew I had been triggered and Bob only saw Uwe follow me so later he tells me that I was totally over reacting because Uwe was obviously concerned. Of course Uwe was really pissed off and made sure to tell me later that I my behavior was very ”inappropriate”.

I was VERY upset that I had let him push my buttons and I had exploded in front of everyone. His yelling at me was not that dramatic and most people were not paying attention so now I look like the total nut job that is acting way out of line. No one knows he has been whittling away at me for months. Everyone thinks he is a super nice guy that would never be mean.

I hate hate hate feeling out of control. I hate asking him to forgive me because really no matter what he does I shouldn’t act like an ass in return. My mom always said “two wrongs don’t make a right”.

I hate feeling like I won’t be able to control myself if it happens again. I look back at last night and think all I had to do was look at him and say with confidence “Got it Uwe…you don’t need to yell at me.” And then he would have felt stupid, not me.

I am feeling very out of control here and it’s scary!

I know you will all say I need to stay away from him. Thing is I would have alter my whole schedule to avoid him and I would also have to avoid my running group and my cycling friends which is just not a viable solution. So….somehow I need to get over this but I am scared that this reaction to him is coming from such a base (instinctual) place that I won’t be able to fix it any time soon.

Thursday's with George

Today George told me I married my husband because I was trying to finish my unfinished business with my parents. George really likes “Imago Theory”. I told him it’s not true. I would NEVER have married him if it weren’t for Beanie. I would have only married a person I considered kind and a friend of mine.

My ex was a really really nice guy. Rocco was my best friend and very kind to me except in the end when it got a little weird. I am not in the habit of hooking up with people that treat me poorly (unless they change on me).

He then asked me why I bother to stay with my husband if I am that unhappy with him. I told him I don’t think being a single mother would make me any happier. I can live with my husband (mostly) and this way we share the responsibly and it is not all on me.

He once again reminded me that things are improving with my husband and I should be happy. He wants me to focus on the positive. I get that but you know what….at this rate of change it will take another 20 years before I am happily married. HA!

Then we were talking about my feelings as a child. He was really challenging me to go back and think about how I felt at the time and what I was thinking. At first I couldn’t come up with anything new or earth shattering. Then I thought a little harder and did come up with a few things I found VERY interesting.

First, my father used to have an accordion and once in a while, in the evening he would drink some wine and bust that thing out of the closet and we would all party it up and laugh and have such a good time. Really my mother is NEVER fun. My father could be very fun at times.

I wonder what ever happened to his accordion?

The other thing I remembered was when my father moved out, which wasn’t long after my older sister moved out, I felt very hurt and confused by their departures. These days people would certainly worry that the child may be traumatized by such changes but I recall back then everyone acting like I should not be emotionally affected at all. And….this is the interesting part, I believed them! I remember feeling that I should NOT have feelings and trying so hard to make them go away. I remember thinking I was crazy because I was sad and I had no reason to be sad. I stuffed all my sadness down and acted like everything was fine because that is what “the world” seemed to expect from me. I remember all of 4th and 5th grade feeling “lost” because of the changes and my inner turmoil with it all.

It is just so hard when you are a child because you have no frame of reference. All you know is what the adults around you tell you and if it is total bullshit then you don’t know any better. It’s sad really…..that they crushed my little soul. I know they didn’t mean to so I really don’t feel “mad” at my parents. I do feel mad at the world though. Mad because I feel like I never had a chance. Like “it” got me and still gets me and I don’t know how to free myself from it.

I am so tired of feeling hurt, angry and sad. I know I should let it go but I don’t know how to!

I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I bet my blood pressure is NOT good.


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PS - so pissed i can't type on the "compose" tab of this blog and i don't have time to research why!
PSS - I think my internet browser is so old and that is why my "compose" tab won't work. I tried to upgrade it but failed. I will see if our IT guy can fix it next time he is in the office.

Ma

My mother was always a good girl and minded her folks. She was always a good student. She told me when she was in high school, just for fun, she decided to read all the books in the library. She started at one end reading them in order on down the shelf. I hope it was a fairly small library!

Later when she went off to college her folks got mad at her because she dated a Jewish boy. Oh the horror! LOL Originally on track for a teaching degree; student teaching changed her mind so she switched majors to Engineering; a bold move for a girl in the late 40s. She graduated with honors in just 3 years because classes were free after so many credit hours so she just loaded up.

Armed with a degree in Electrical Engineering she landed a job at McDonald Douglas and moved from Iowa to St. Louis. One time she showed me some of her old work clothes. She had the dresses with the cinched up waste and darted bodice; matching purses and shoes to go with. I even tried one on and it fit. I think she had a pretty nice build in her time.

While working she dated a lot, searching for the perfect husband, but in no rush since she could certainly support herself. Eventually she met my father and they fell in love. She obviously was OK with my father leaving his wife for her yet this is something we have never discussed. I am sure my father painted a good picture to make it all work. I also believe she was very naïve about the ways of the world.

They got married in my Grandparents church in Iowa. It was a small wedding and she only received a wedding band, no engagement ring. I am sure times were tight but I think she was too “frugal” to ask for much. She would return to the house that my father’s ex-wife had recently vacated complete with 2 teenagers still living there. She was pretty shocked by them.

Once pregnant with me she had to quit work as soon as she was showing…company policy. So she became a stay at home mom. I was born almost exactly one year after they were wed. Her favorite story of all is when my little brother was born, the nurses all came to look at the old lady who had given birth at the ripe old age of 38.

My older (half) sister was about 16 when I was born and has since told me many a story of how terrible my mother was with kids and how she can’t believe we survived. From my own memory I recall things like she did not brush my hair so I had a terrible permanent rats nest in the back where my coat would rub. Oh and she can’t cook anything but meat loaf and it is an acquired taste. My mother does not talk baby talk to babies (or anyone). I didn’t know that until I had her grandkids and she told me she won’t and doesn’t talk baby talk ever.

I remember her always trying to keep us in line so we would not upset our father. Pop was the moody one prone to lash out for no reason. We “walked on egg shells” at my house. My mother was the negative and co-dependent. She was always critical and telling us how we were wrong. They were both very emotionally distant and did not hug us or tell us they loved us. We were not treated affectionately at all. I recall as an adult thinking I should hug my parents and forcing myself to do it. It always feels awkward and forced.

When I was a kid I was not allowed in my parent’s bed room or the office (spare bedroom). Both rooms had an imaginary gate that we were not allowed to cross. If our parent was in that room and we needed them we stood at the doorway and yelled after them. Also, we were not allowed in the dining room or living room. Large portions of the house were off limits. I chuckled when the living room chairs were finally old and worn out and had to be thrown away. No one had ever sat in them. They just faded away after sitting there in the fancy room for so many years.

When I was born I was given my older (half) brothers room while he was off fighting in Vietnam. My mom would never repaint the walls a new color because it was too much work so the whole 16 years I lived there I had olive green walls.

My parents also always conveyed to us one way or another that we were not important. That we were not considered people (no child was). We did not have feelings or opinions of worth to the adults. My parents certainly communicated that. There was always this message of “oh please don’t tell me you are upset! You are a child. You have no worries. You can’t possibly be upset.”

My mother was a martyr always reminding us how she sacrificed everything she wanted for everyone else. She would say “I had a great figure till I had you kids”. Or “I used to be able to read till I had you kids”. I remember when Friss was young and I went to college and I felt guilty for not having more time for him but then I thought to myself…at least I am not complaining that I “can’t go to college because I had you” Which is what my mother would have said.

Fucking Fleas!

Today was Beanie’s first day of Kindergarten at the new school. Last night I got a total of about 4 hours of sleep. At 1 am Ramone called and I jumped from bed to answer the call. She was crying and told me she had just watched a flea hatch out in her shoe. I would have suspected it was a drug induced hallucination but she has been complaining to me for weeks now that her dog has fleas. I told her to call her vet. She said she was broke. I didn’t offer to pay.

So last night as she sobbed hysterically that her whole house was full of fleas, I told her what to do, as far as I know, to get rid of them. I told her to get her cat and dog professionally flea dipped at a groomer, to call an exterminator to spray her apartment and to wash EVERYTHING in the house at the Laundromat. All at the same time of course. She says she can’t afford it but I really don’t think it should be my problem. Why these kids insist on pets they can’t afford is beyond me.

I told them from the beginning that having a dog (or cat) was expensive and not what a person just starting out should be signing up for. Of course I am sure she hates me and thinks I am a bad mother for not rushing to fix this problem and footing the bill.

After I got off the phone I was WIDE awake and could not get back to sleep. When I finally dozed off, hours later, I dreamed that I went to Ramone’s apartment to look at the fleas. The apartment was bigger than her real one; it was huge and had many of her friends “crashing” there. I looked around and thought the exterminator would charge a fortune to spray that whole place. I also accidently let my dog go in and she got fleas. I woke up so full of anxiety and then never could get back to sleep.

I don’t want my kid to live in a flea infested apartment. Yet at the same time I don’t want to fix the problem she created by not heading my warnings in the first place. She is the one that wants to be a grown up so bad that she moved out a few weeks BEFORE graduating from high school.

What do you think? Should I help her out?

PS – she can afford to buy pot and booze!

PSS - the dog has been at her Dad's house...so his house probably has fleas. I would not be suprised if Ramone's whole building (not just her flat) has fleas. It's just overwhelming.

Connecting the Dots

WOW...been reading and thinking a lot today. (In between work projects)
I am realizing all kinds of things. I am connecting dots that I had not connected before.
I am seeing things a bit clearer.

I was mulling over why it seems I was fine until Rocco’s left….or started to fuss about leaving. At the time he was attracted to a young woman at work and he started acting distant to me. He also started to be critical of me in ways he had never been before. For example I was always more of a down to earth girl with long hair and he was fine with that for years but then he changed and began telling me to cut my hair and dress up more. Later I found out that his now wife was all about dressing up and wearing high heels to work. She has shoulder length hair. The point is when he got critical and distant that triggered me because now the love of my life was treating me like my parents did. He was validating all that they had taught me. Before this I had pretty much been fine emotionally, rising above my past and feeling “normal”. I never could understand why I COMPLETELY fell apart when he “turned” on me but now it makes perfect sense. (Not like he was the first guy to dump me but they were not my soul mate.)

Ever since then I have been struggling because now my parents and my soul mate have “told” me that I am NOT worthy of their love. NO WONDER I AM UNHAPPY.

Then, I get tangled up with my husband….he was abusive from the start. He used to “disappear” if he felt like it. I hated it but we were just dating so I tried not to let it bother me. Later I got pregnant and we were forced to try and build a relationship. Once again, I am stuck with someone who does not love me! More validation. (I do believe he loves me now I just don’t know how to get past my resentment for the past and my logical fear that his love won’t last anyway.)

Thinking about relationships in general today I had a thought. I have always assumed that ALL relationships were difficult like mine and I just didn't know how to "handle" people or relationships would be easier. I have always blamed the fact that relationships are painful for me and that people hurt me on the fact that I am not strong enough or good with people, etc. I would see other women who had sweet attentive husbands and think “I wish I knew how she does it?” Meaning she has tricks to guilt him or manipulate him so she gets what she wants. I just thought I didn’t know how to demand respect so I got walked on.

Now I am thinking that I have been trained to hurt myself....and stay around people that hurt me. That other people really don't suffer and it's not because they have more skills...it’s because they grew up with a healthy view of themselves and now they have formed normal healthy relationships. No one ever brainwashed them into submission.

Just now I realized I should talk to my brother about this …..He may have insight or it may actually help him to make sense of his life.

Friss too. I was reading where people tend to pass this crap on to their own kids. After all it is how we are trained to behave. I hate the thought of actually treating my kids like I was treated as a child. I sure hope I am not doing it.

I found a book I am going to read. It is called “The Box of Daughter” by Katherine Mayfield. I am really excited to read it and talk more with George about all this.

Emotional Abuse

After talking with George last week, I decided to seek out more information on emotional abuse.

Since I became an adult I knew my parents had been somewhat physically abusive with me but until today I don’t think I really understood how much I was emotionally abused as a child and all the harm it has done in my life.

In the past I have said “I have emotional scars from my child hood” and I mainly attributed that to Pop leaving me and not showing me any love or attention.

But now I am thinking “I was emotionally abused as a child and I have a whole set off issues that I am now left to deal with”.

When I was talking to George I kept crying because I kept thinking how my parents did not allow me to actually be a person and stuffed all my thoughts and feeling down my throat. For some reason the word “stuffed” was what came to mind. They did not yell at me, but they did not allow me to talk much less have an opinion or feelings. They robbed me of any and all power/strength. The worst beating I ever received was for simply saying NO.

So…I Googled “Emotionally abused as a child” and it’s me….ALL the issues I have rolled into one package. So here is the list of Characteristics of Emotionally Abused People:

• We have feelings of low self- esteem (This is a result of being criticized too often as children and teenagers.)

• We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionist, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.

• We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.

• We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain "loyal" in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved.

• We are afraid of losing others.

• We are afraid of being abandoned.

• It is difficult for us to "let go." <<< I really need to get past this one!

• We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

• We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities. <<< My husband!?!

• We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power)
as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. And we confuse love with need. <<< Maybe I am not really sure what love is. Isn’t that sad.

• We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others' problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.

• We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.

• We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.

• We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us from ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. Because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won't eventually leave us once they see how "bad" we are.

• Denial, isolation, control, shame, and undeserved guilt are legacies from our family. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.

• We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions. We often become codependent.

• We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end. << Ha! The one thing I would say is NOT me. I learned years ago if you have ADD and you procrastinate you will NEVER get ANYTHING accomplished. I tend to actually be overly aggressive and try to get more done than I really should.

• We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.

Now that I have a nice neat title for all this crap I hope I can finally get on the path to improvement because quite honestly I started back to therapy over 6 months ago and mostly I feel worse, not better, than I have in years. All this self exploration is so draining.

Weekend Getaway was GOOD

POST TO COME

An Hour with George

Today when I went to see George, I had a list of things to discuss:

1) Trust issues in ALL relationships
2) Abandonment issues with loved ones
3) Why the meltdown when Uwe yelled at me? Why don’t I (can’t I) respond appropriately and remain calm and explain to him that he is being unfair to yell at me and insist I get treated with respect vs. me having a meltdown and crying right there in the middle of the road.
4) CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy
5) I am overly sensitive
6) Why does life seem like it’s no fun….it wasn’t always this way.

I get there, we chat a bit. He tells me a little about CBT and then, when I finally tell George about the issues with Uwe walking all over me he quickly said “well you are responding like a child not an adult” ...AND he is right (as usual) and he says that I learned to respond like this as a child when my father would NEVER allow me to be a person, have an opinion or even irritate him in any way. As a child we were usually smacked around if we irritated our folks in the slightest and if it was our lucky day they MIGHT tell us why we got in trouble. Basically when I was a child, I was taught that I was not of value and I still (deep down inside) believe it. And therefore, I still react like a hurt little girl when people treat me badly.

So I ask him...can we fix it? He says it won’t be easy because my gut reaction is to revert. For starters he says I need to be aware of what I am doing. Maybe think (or say) to Uwe, you are NOT my father and you can’t make me crumble. I kind of decided that I don’t really want to drag Pop into my head all the time but the key is “am I behaving like an adult or dissolving into childish behavior”?

I do not want to behave like a child and I need to be aware of when it is happening (or about to happen) and try to avert the habitual reaction. Instead of reacting instinctively and emotionally, I need to stop and think, take a deep breath and mentally step back to really look at the situation objectively. I need to be an adult.

I need to STOP being the abused child that grew up to be an abused adult because I don’t know how else to be!

(Interestingly enough, all my topics were pretty much addressed by the realization that I am stuck as a child in this way.)

Job Update

I sent out a resume yesterday....haven't heard a word back. It was a construction company similar to this one. I should be a shoe in.

Today I ran the bank account down to $9000 here at work. We have about $100k in job payables that are behind and we have about that much in regular payable too that we can't pay. We are due some money next week which I hope will be here in time and cover payroll. The bills will get farther behind! Angry vendors are calling. I hate this!

I worked on cleaning up files and getting ready to quit today. I have been here for about 10 years so I have so much stuff on my computer and in this office it is crazy. I have been taking things home one by one. If we don't make the payroll I am walking out!!

I might even give two weeks notice soon. I am just not in the mood for this stress right now. I want to enjoy my daughter while she is still young. I want to press Husband's hand and see what he does. If he won't support me I will leave him!

Used to Him

This morning my husband’s alarm went off. I was pretty sound asleep and he must have been too because I heard him fumble for quite some time to stop it. Then just as peace and quiet had once again engulfed the room, the other alarm went off. He has his phone and his watch set to go off at 4:45. He shut that one up too and we both went back to sleep.

About half an hour later he schlepped into the kitchen and pulled the bedroom door closed behind him. I dozed off again which is unusual. Generally if you wake me up 3 times in a row, I DON’T go back to sleep.

I woke up just a few minutes later and mentally noted how I have become used to his crazy ways. How after 7 years of living with this man I am no longer acutely aware of all the peculiar habits that he exhibits that used to make me nuts.

Like getting up 3 hours before he needs to be at work when it only takes him about 30 minutes max to get ready. Who the heck does that? Now grant it, sometimes he stops at the gym on the way to work, but not always.

Like not having a routine…..other than he always has coffee and a poop every morning. I’m still not sure what his real start time is at work 8 or 9?

I have finally trained him to say good-bye when he leaves the house for the day. Evidently he had no idea you were supposed to do that? I am still working on good night when he goes to sleep.

He never eats meals with the family so we don’t bother with family meals. We all just eat if we feel like it, when we feel like it. He doesn’t cook…he plucks leftovers from the fridge and eats them cold straight out of the Tupperware container. Or he makes a quick burrito with a soft tortilla shell, canned refried beans, grated cheese and HOT salsa. He eats it over the sink so he doesn’t dirty a plate. I don’t think he ever sits down to eat. He won’t cut things up either. If I have lettuce cut up in a bowl in the fridge he will eat a salad….if not, the head of lettuce will go rotten in there. If there is a cold cooked chicken breast in the fridge….he will eat it with his fingers over the counter, dipping it in barbeque sauce that he dumps on the lid of the storage container.

I am in the habit of counting bikes when I get home…..to see if he is home or gone on a bike. I generally don’t try to coordinate where he is or when he will be home with him at all. I do my thing and he does his. It is just frustrating and pointless to try and pin him down.

Heck he leaves the room and goes down stairs and starts a project and never comes back without a word. I am sure he has done this when I think we are in the middle of conversation. I think it is rude to leave and say something. However, it’s pretty hard to discuss when I figure out he has been gone longer than a potty break or something and I have no idea where he is. I am finally to the point where I hardly notice this anymore. I just kind of ignore him around the house and he does the same to me if he feels like it. (His parents do this too so he sees it as normal.)

He never closes the bathroom door and he will walk around the house or yard naked if he feels like it. Our daughter is almost 6 years old now so I am working on that one. I think it is time to hide his dangly stuff from her.

He won’t take his shoes off when he comes in the house so he often tracks in chicken poop, mud, leaves and rocks onto my carpet which really bums me out.

Today he actually mentioned that this winter he would like to consolidate our finances create a will and a retirement plan! This is actually an act of planning for OUR future. I was shocked. I was also a bit miffed because the older kids were mentioned and yes, I know he doesn’t want to give his money to them but how the hell can we be a real family if he looks at it that way. I guess I will update you early next year on how this all works out.

He's a BIG JERK

It was 9:30 when I received an email from Uwe asking me if I wanted to meet for lunch. I replied right away “sure…what did you have in mind?” He never responded.

Then about 11 am I messaged him on my phone “lunch?” He responded that he was going to swim real quickly and would contact me after.

A little before noon I saw he was on Facebook so obviously he was not swimming and had not bother to get a hold of me. I decided that if he made NO contact by 12 noon straight up I would just consider it too late. Obviously he wasn’t that interested in meeting for lunch.

So, at 12:04 I texted him “Getting late so I will just eat here” I am actually very busy here at work so it is for the best…I need to focus on work this week.

At 12:15 he texts me “GEEZ :(” “have a nice day”

So I ask you…..really??……am I wrong to be pissy or upset by this. I am doing my best to be kind loving and accepting. I waited to discuss a plan for lunch until noon. Which by the time we discussed and I left would have put me at eating around 12:30 or later. I get up at 5 and so does he so that is rather late.

I am so tired of him trying to make me feel like I never do anything right. Obviously he didn't want to do lunch and then try to turn the guilt on me.

I was feeling hurt but now that I typed this up I am just mad. I am sick of his shit. I need to just put him out of my mind and cross him off the friend list. He obviously has no respect for me and I need to recognize this for what it is and move on!

*****************

UPDATE:
so i was pissed and we had a huge fight this afternoon. Things were said that basically confirm that he is a jerk and we are no longer friends. I am upset for a number of reasons and it is stressing me out way too much.
Here are some thoughts:
1) how can this person who is damn nice to most everyone else be so mean to me?
2) how can this person who was VERY nice to me for the first year of our friendship now be so mean to me?
3) Why don't I stand up for myself more....why do I let people treat me poorly like this? I think over time I have allowed him to disrespect me and now, guess what, he has no respect for me.
4) I know the pivotal moment in our relationship....it was when he yelled at me when I had my ear buds on while we were running. Why didn't i tell him off then instead of dissolving into a weepy pile of mush?
5) How can a person make another person cry and not feel bad about it???
6) I know I have issues with abandonment and this pushes all my buttons...I am litteraly physically ill from all this!

WHY DOES EVERYONE I LOVE TURN ON ME???

Weekend Recap - GOOD WEEKEND - Family Time!!

Last Thursday I was in a fairly good mood. Went to see George and that was nice…he almost always makes me feel positive and hopeful. Thursday evening I biked 20 miles in less than an hour. It was a group ride but Uwe and I ended up doing most of it with just us two. Averaging over 20 mph when you are NOT in a pack is hard work. After the bike I had a few beers (that I counted in my calorie count – GO ME) and enjoyed our little social gathering in the parking lot. I went home in a GREAT mood. I managed to stay in a positive loving mood all weekend too.

Saturday we finally accomplished a real family outing and it went very well. Husband was patient and affectionate with both me and Beanie all day. We toured a few local caves and had swim time at the river. Beanie said her favorite thing was seeing the bats in the cave. She was very inquisitive and well behaved all day.

The car ride home from the cave.

Sunday I biked with a group of awesome friends which totally hit the spot. After that I hustled up a friend with a truck to move a desk for Monster. He had a month to do it and did NOT …which totally hacked me off but it was a free desk and in good shape and I could not bear to see it go in the trash. I just left it in his driveway. Later he texted to thank me and say it is awesome and fits perfectly in his room. Glad I made the effort and had Kevin to help me out.

Sunday afternoon husband biked and I made a huge effort to get to the lake for a swim. I had to find a babysitter for Beanie, drop her off, drive 20 minutes to the lake. I only swam half a mile so I was done in about 25 minutes. I chatted up a few friends who also swam before driving back to town to pick up the kid and then home to shower. All in all it was too much darn time and effort for a swim that left me with goggle eyes for the next 5 hours. THIS IS WHY I DON’T SWIM OFTEN. Even if I had a pool handy it would dry my skin out badly and give me goggle eyes every time I swam. BUMMER because it is a good low impact cardio activity and I really would like to improve my swim times.

As soon as we got cleaned up Beanie and I headed to Valarie’s & Carrie’s house for social time. We had a great evening. The girls played, me and Valarie drank wine and chatted each other’s ears off. It was 9 before I knew it and we rushed home. I think Daddy enjoyed his alone time while we were gone. I hope the introvert recharged while I was busy getting a good social fix.

He pitched the Porn!

So Wednesday I was kind of worked up so I started an email discussion with my husband about his basement activity:
Me: Why were you in the downstairs guest room?
Husband: So you just wanted me to admit it so you could make me feel bad about it? If you don’t like then we should be intimate more often.
Me: I have no issues with being intimate….I would rather appreciate a healthy love life and some good sex.
Husband: Sounds great! How do we do this?
Me: You masturbating in the basement does not further intimate relations!
Husband: I don’t enjoy having to slink off to the basement to take care of my needs.
I will demonstrate my commitment to team “last name” by throwing away all my videos tonight!

AND HE DID!!

Then yesterday I sent this email to him:

"I love you and I want to make love to you…..NO…with you.
But that involves (for me) kissing, hugging and cuddling.
Not just lip kissing but neck maybe ;)
So……let’s work on being more physically affectionate because that is what gets my motor revved up.
I want you to want me….but I don’t want you to “honk” my boobs…that’s not fun for me.
Act like you desire me (specifically) and that will make me feel loved.
Oh and…..nipples like attention too.
Also, I know you cringe when I say it….but we need to talk more.
We need to up our communication with each other.
I think there is a ton of “miscommunication” because we don’t talk enough.
Lastly....let’s try and do a better job of kissing and saying goodnight to each other.
Compliments are good too….and sarcasm gets old."

When I got home last night Beanie was in bed and as I was taking off my cycling clothes Husband put the moves on me and we had the best sex we have had in a long time.

And we did it again this morning.

I am so happy the porn is gone!

And, because he hates to talk and fears getting in an argument I think I will keep sending him little “love hints” via email once in a while. I think he wants to do the right thing but has a hard time knowing what that is. I don’t mind telling him what I think but he has never been very receptive before. This rather detached way of communicating seems to be working for now.

My To-Do List for Today

I want to add one more thing to the list "be present"