Meditation

I am enjoying my meditation class a lot.  We have had three sessions so far.  This week we did not have class due to spring break.  (When you live in a college town everything is shut down for spring break.)

I got to the first session early and met the nice teacher Terry (Friss knows him too!) who is a soft spoken and very accepting type and the co-teacher Linda who is a therapist with lots of practical knowledge.  She speaks louder and is more pragmatic.  I like them a lot and they make a great team. 

As people came in we introduced ourselves.  They came in all shapes and sizes but most were older.  One boy looked to be a student but the rest were my age if not older. 

We talked a lot and meditated a little but when it was over, I felt a little relieved.  Before class I was worried I wouldn’t fit in or I wouldn’t be able to do it or something.  Anyhow, my worries evaporated and I thought it went very well.  I think I “get” it.

Each week I have been looking forward to class, if for no other reason at least it allows me 1.5 hours of me time with no one to bother me.  No boss or kids to make demands.  I get to sit and relax and do things that are nice to me.

The second session I got there a bit late and had rushed over from Beanie’s dance class open house.  I hit my mat and they pretty much started with a 15 minute meditation.  It was hard for me to settle down.  My life is so busy and rushed and just suddenly stopping to focus on my breath was hard.  By the end of the 15 minutes I settled down and found my “zone”, but it wasn’t as easy as the week before.

Last week we did some walking meditation, standing meditation and even lying down.   When lying down you keep your arms up so you don’t fall asleep.  It feels silly.  I didn’t like anything that required me to stand on my feet because standing with no shoes on just hurts so much.  The lying down felt good on my back but sitting is still best for me.

After the third class I felt a little less excited.  Partly because I have come to realize that I just can’t cram time into my normal week to practice between classes.  Especially at the point of the day when I could use it the most, which is when I first get home from work and I need to decompress.  This is also when the dog needs to go out, the car needs to be unpacked/repacked, and my daughter needs to be fed and all household chores such as laundry and dishes must take place.  I rarely sit down before 8 pm.

But there is another reason I am feeling a bit down about meditation and I am embarrassed to admit it……..but here goes.   

(Be kind to me, I am just being honest here.)

For years, people have been telling me that meditation is the solution to my problems.  That meditation is what I NEED.  And for years, I have kept that in my back pocket thinking I can always take up meditation and things will be better.  I guess I hoped it would be a miracle cure; that if I put my mind to it and really learned how to do it properly I would have instant benefits and now I am realizing that it is not going to change anything dramatically and it certainly won’t do it over night.

It’s not the magic bullet I had hoped it would be.  I have no doubt that if I cultivate a practice over the years it will be beneficial to my existence.  BUT, it is not going to be the paradigm shift I was hoping for. 

In the past, on certain occasions, I did suddenly change.  You know, the light went on and everything was just different.  I guess I was just hoping that would happen again.

It's Not All Doom and Gloom

Last night after work I took Beanie shopping for an Easter dress.  She loves to shop.  She is such a girly girl.  I still don’t know how that happened.  I am NOT girly.  I am the type that puts on a pair of earrings and then doesn’t change them for YEARS!

Anyhow…it was grueling.  We hiked all over the mall and she tried on many a frilly frock.  She loved every minute of it.  She even cried once when she had a crush on a particular dress but they didn’t have it in her size.  It was actually sweet because the melt down was short lived.

We finally left Dillard’s with a dress in her hands.  They bagged it on the hanger and she proudly carried it to the car.  She was just beaming and could not wait to get home and decide what accessories would go with it.

I was pooped when we got home but in a much better mood.  The kid can wear me out but she is also such a breath of fresh air in a world that is frequently just a letdown.  Five year old just have a zest for life you can’t beat.

Once home I opened a bottle of wine and sipped a glass while husband dutifully listened to his girls tell him about their shopping spree.  He was sweet and patient as we both yapped away, which made me feel better too.

I also vented to him a little bit…..about my bad mood.  (I don’t tell him it has anything to do with Rocco and that certainly is not the only thing getting me down.)  Husband listened and it was nice.  I keep telling him that he doesn’t have to fix anything….I just need someone to listen and not judge.  He even slept close to me last night.  I woke up feeling loved!

SO…..what was my deal yesterday? 

It’s a combination of things I am sure.  It’s never just one thing and generally it’s nothing new.  First, the weather is obviously not helping……..so tired of winter.  And my feet hurt ALL THE TIME, which gets very old.  Another contributor is lack of social life.  I haven’t seen much of my friends lately, for one reason or another.   This will improve when we finally get some biking weather however, some of my friends are just headed in different directions which is depressing.

Also I will probably be out of a job in the next year or so.  Our little construction company is headed into some tough times and I doubt we will make it.  I already decided that when things get ugly I am quitting.  I am not going to suffer.   I know I shouldn’t worry about any of it yet….but I also know, the back of my mind is already thinking “what the hell are you going to do when this job is over?”   In all honesty I am old and lazy and don’t want to work hard anymore.  Been there done that!  Now I am spoiled to a cushy well paying job.  I am so not looking forward to getting a REAL job!  And there is the whole issue of can I even find a decent new job in this small town we live in.

No wait…there’s more …….I am still battling my weight loss and lack of discipline.  I have NEVER had problems losing weight in the past.  I just decided to do it, ate less and there you go, back to normal weight.  This spring has been crazy, all I can figure is lately, food and wine is the only fun I have.  (Again, better weather will help.) 

Another thing that brings me down is my family.  Teenagers …you know how they can be.  And my parents, they play no role in my life.  (Tough words post on her mom got me thinking)  I am so jealous of the people who have a family to lean on when they need help.

AND I need to do a whole post on my meditation class…..

Sometime I just want to make up a new persona and a name and go become someone else.   I can’t run away from home can I?

Steller Bad Mood

Last night we watched Game of Thrones.  We finished the last disc of the first season.  We also watched a little Antiques Road Show on PBS.    When it was time to sleep I didn’t feel sleepy, but I turned off the lights because I was bored and ready to be done with the day.

I didn’t sleep well.  At one point the dog woke me because she seemed to be choking.  I sprung from bed and found her sound asleep in her bed next to mine.  She seemed to be asleep and coughing in her dreams?  I tried to wake her and she stopped making the hacking sound.

I climbed back into bed and realized I had been dreaming about antique maps at an antique show.  They were fine old pieces of parchment and people were lovingly admiring them and marveling at their value.  I knew I had combined the two things I had watched on TV.

It was around 2 am and I dozed off again.  I think I slept sounder for a while.   Then I heard the dog throwing up.  I looked over and she was in her kennel.  GOOD, it wasn’t on my carpet.  I pitched her out of the house so she could barf all she wanted.  It was now around 4 am.  I figured there was still time to go back to sleep.

I may or may not have gone back to sleep.  At one point I stretched and my ankle hurt.  It was cold and icy outside and I am so sick of winter.  I started to wonder about my morning run.  Would it be icy?  Should I wear my Yaktrax? Would I be better off to run a different route?  Would the dog be a bad idea since the roads will be crowded?  All of a sudden I decided I didn’t fucking want to run in the snow and ice AGAIN.  I decided to blow off my morning run; something I rarely do.  (Like maybe 3 times in 9 years have I just not gone when I wasn’t sick or had some major issue to stop me.)

At 4:45 the alarm went off and I got up and walked to the bathroom to get dressed for my run.  I had already changed my mind again……that yes, yes I must go run.  I know I will feel guilty and fat and lazy if I don’t go.  Then all of a sudden I just felt angry and depressed and said fuck it and climbed back in bed.

I started to go back to sleep ….I so wanted to just escape to dream land.  Then I thought I had better wake husband so he could go to the gym.  I shook him gently and told him I was skipping my run and he could go to the gym.  He said I should go to the gym.  I didn’t feel like it.  I told him to go.

Then, of course he spend the next 15 minutes pawing me so I never got to go back to sleep.  I finally told him to give it up that I was far too grumpy to have sex.

I spent the whole morning feeling angry and sad and on the verge of a breakdown.  Like nothing is right and never will be.  Like my life is just a cruel trick that someone has played on me.  Really I go through all the motions but I am not HAPPY.

I suppose yesterdays post is the root of this funk.  I hate the fact that Rocco, the most important relationship of my life, the person who changed everything………could care less if he ever speaks to me again.  I suppose I was just a rebound thing for him when his wife left him.  I was just a springboard to get him to where he is now.  He doesn’t look back.  I am sure he rarely thinks of me.  I am still just baffled how two people can be so close and end up so far apart. 

Whatever.  I am not going to go on about all that.  I am just surprised that after over 10 years things are not notably better……they are faded but things are NOT all OK now.  My life still just feels like such a disappointment every time I turn around.

Sometimes I think….maybe I am just a depressive person.  Maybe I am just and idiot that I can’t wake up and be happy like other people do.  Then I remember I used to.  I used to feel normal.  I just want to feel normal again; like I did for the first 35 years of my life.

Best Friends

Not my basement or husband but THIS is how you ride a bike trainer in winter.

When I was with Rocco, it was not uncommon for him to come home and say “hey there is a new restaurant I heard about let’s go check it out.”  And then we would enthusiastically venture out for a fun evening together at said new restaurant.

He would say things like “you would just love Hawaii. I can’t wait to show it to you.”  Or “what do you want to do this weekend? Would you like to play golf?  I can set up a tee time for us.”

I have been trying to figure out why he made me feel so loved and my husband does not and I think I finally decided this is it.  When Rocco thought of what he wanted to do in his spare time, I was automatically part of the equation.  He wanted to spend time with me and share his life with me.  He was my best friend and we pretty much did everything together if we could.

He did take me to Hawaii and he taught me to ski and to mountain bike and all kinds of cool things.  We really had fun together even if we were just putting laundry away or doing yard work.  It was like we were a team.  It always felt so comfortable and so right too; like it was just meant to be that way.

Husband is an only child and an introvert and he prefers to be alone.  He does not enjoy my company for the most part (unless I am naked).  He puts up with my presence when he must in order to keep the peace and make me happy.  I get the fact that he does things with me because he wants me to be happy and that is nice.  He will take me out to dinner if I ask him to because he does love me.   But it’s not the same as actually being invited along because your presence is desirable….because you make things more fun just because you are around.

I guess I can never fully enjoy spending time with my husband because I know he would prefer not to do things with me (or anyone for that matter) and that our time together is him paying his dues so he can live in peace and not have an angry wife.

George says we MUST do more things together if we are to have a happy healthy marriage and I totally agree.  The problem is, husband does them grudgingly most of the time.  It is just not really fun for him. 

Usually if I propose we do something together husband will try to turn it into an opportunity for him to get some exercise or something like that.  This winter he kept encouraging me to ride the trainer with him. (Stationary biking in the house- see photo above.)  He was pushing it as something we could do together. To me it was him thinking of ways to appease me that were not a waste of time to him. 

When I ask George about it he says I have to be happy that husband is trying.  That I need to be positive and encourage the things I want.  George says that as we do more stuff together it will feel more “normal” and we will both be more comfortable together.  George is all about developing new habits and he wants me and husband to develop new ways of relating to each other.  I suppose that is the best we can do at this point.

 

NEED for the Physical Release

So husband said he would throw out the porn if I promised to participate in sex with him at least 3 times a week.  At first I was thinking sure no problem.  Under normal circumstances (in the past when in a healthy relationship) three times a week was about right for me.

Then I thought about it a little harder and realized that I don’t necessarily want to agree to a schedule and a quantity.  It just seems too mechanical.  I am looking for intimacy not sex and feeling obligated to relieve him of his pressure at least three times a week is not going to help me feel more loved or appreciated.  It most likely will make me feel more used.

I, of course, will ask George about it.  He told me last week that he is worried that husband has a bad habit, also known as an addiction of ejaculating daily.  I mean, generally if left alone he would get up and eat breakfast, take a dump and ejaculate as a typical every morning routine.  Like brushing your teeth it is a daily activity in his mind.

Husband told me he NEEDS the physical release and that is the word that got George to think it is an addiction.  Sad thing is, George says that most all men who suffer from a sex addiction must be treated at an inpatient facility to get over it!  WOW

Anyhow, after more thought, I think he can keep his damn porn and jack off all he wants.  It has got to be easier on me.

He Doesn't Ignore Me

Last night around 4 am husband was wrestles and flopping around the bed and it woke me up.  I laid there awake for a moment and just as I was about to doze off again, he flopped around again.  (He shakes the bed so much I wonder how he does it.)

I finally asked him if he was OK or what was wrong or something like that.  He did not respond.  I wasn’t all the way awake, nor was he probably, but the fact that I got no answer rubbed me wrong and brought up an old familiar feeling.  You see, up until recently, he would routinely not respond to me when I asked him a question.  He would just pretend he did not hear me and not answer.  Then it was up to me to ask again.  Which I often did and often he still would not respond.  (I now understand that this is passive aggressive but it is still irritating none the less.)

You see for years he treated me like this and for years it pissed me off.  Just ignoring someone is rude and dismissive.  He basically treated me like I was not even worthy of an answer.  That he would rather not have anything to do with me at times so he would blatantly ignore me even when I addressed him directly.

Now, the fact that I took note that he did this is a good sign…..because he has not done this to me on purpose lately.  When did it stop exactly….. I am not sure but, as I lay there in bed I realized he no longer does this to me and I am really glad he does not.

We are making progress!   I guess I had kind of forgotten that he did it all the time because it had gone away. 

The point of all this is that, this time, I think he might have actually been sleeping and not really heard me but it gave me a chance to realize he no longer does this rude thing to me and that is a good thing and makes me happy.

On the other hand, is it any wonder that after 6 years of him treating me like that, I am not whole heartedly letting go of the past and viewing him as a great guy who is doing all the right things a husband should do even though lately he has been pretty great.

In other words, it’s going to take a few years of not treating me like crap before I really get over the past and believe in this change he is making.

What a Day

Got up this morning (4:45 a.m.) and jumped on the scale.  Yes I was bad with my eating over the weekend, but I also did a 22 mile bike ride on Friday and a 9.5 mile run on Saturday and I wasn’t THAT bad with the food.  When I saw the scale I was MAD.  For months now I have had good days and bad days and the net result is very little weight loss.  I am really mad at myself.

Then I went to do my usual morning run and didn’t feel like it all.  I was tired and down.  BUT, the run went pretty well and I felt better after I was done.

Then I get to work and made a list of things to do.  Decide to be positive and knock out a bunch of stuff on my To-Do list.  (That always makes me feel good.)

Next my husband emails me with bad news about possible Kindergarten plans for Bean.  Long story but we have got to find her a decent school and soon.  I am NOT sending her to the crap ass public school she “defaults” to.  I will home school first….or move!

At some point Monster phones to tell me he finally got his transmission in for repairs and it will only be $300.  I am thrilled.

Then I had a friend check to see if Ramone has a warrant out for her arrest.  She does NOT.  I was elated.  (Did I tell you how she got busted with “magic” mushrooms?)

Then my boss interrupts my stream of luck with some crap ass scheme he wants to run past me.  I make the best of it…..do my research.  There goes about an hour of my day.  (His idea has merit but I doubt he can pull it off.)

Then the bonding company calls, they want some reports I will have to make.  Will take hours. Not on my list.  I see if I can weasel of out of it for today. 

At some point my PC starts acting stupid so I have to reboot my computer.

Then, I am trying to get my sons taxes done so I sign on to his college student center website looking for a form.  I then see that he is only enrolled in ONE class.  He is supposed to be a full time student!!  I start to freak out.   This is a big deal.  He gets federal aid.    He won’t answer his phone.  His father calls me….the man is dumb as a box of rocks and I try to explain to him what is going on.  At the same time the boy finally calls.  He says he signed up late and the classes he needed were all full.  This is true, but he told me he fixed and he really didn’t. 

Husband called me back.  Feeling happy that he bothered to respond to my call for help.  He works for the university.

By now it is mid afternoon and I start to do one of my planned projects.  Three minutes into it my assistant calls and says she needs my help with a spread sheet.  She is soooo bad at Excel I could strangle her at times.  I realize it would be faster to do it myself and traipse back to my office with yet another unplanned thing to do.

So here it is about 4:30 and I didn’t get any of my “real” job done today.  So frustrating.  I want to work late but I can’t.  I have to pick up Bean.  There is just NEVER enough time in the day!!

Oh and I had a blog post planned about the book Men are from Mars.  AND my dog is sitting here looking at me wanting to play….husband still has not gotten me a damn fence for her.  I asked back in early November.  I can’t keep bringing her to work EVERY day…she is getting too big for this.

Is it any wonder I am such a nut job???

(I even left out some of the smaller annoyances, like when the dog stepped in mud right before she jumped in my new car, etc. etc.)

Tired

So I have been in a better mood, been trying to focus on the positive; doing the whole controlling my reactions so things don’t get me down.  But, I ran out of steam last night.  Nothing big happened at all, I just ran out of energy I guess.

I came home and Husband was out in the yard working on his mulching project.  This project is going to take him a long long time.  He basically cut down about 2 acres of trees and is now trying to get rid of the debris.  (He doesn’t want to burn it because it is mostly cedar trees.) I know he is out there doing hard work and making our property worth more should we try to sell it, but I am also weary of him always having HIS projects and never having time to just hang out and be my friend.  I am still lonely in this marriage and I have not seen much of my friends lately so it is taking its toll on me. (I suppose spring will help when I can get back to cycling more.)

Then when he finally came in the house (at dark) rather than be friendly or kind he had to rattle of a veiled insult at me.  I felt compelled to point it out and after a brief exchange he disappeared back into the garage.  I know darn well he decided he did not want to be around me.  So be it.

Finally when it was time for us to head to bed he came in and ate some dinner.  Beanie and I had climbed into bed and he chose to make it out like the minute he came in we left.  NOT TRUE….it was bed time and the kid needed to get settled in.  This is him being passive aggressive you see, I am at fault for going to bed, not him for coming it at 9 pm.

This morning he was no better, making sure he avoided talking to me until the very last minute before he left.

The point of regurgitating this here and now is that living with him is just never pleasant or fun.  It is just one uncomfortable moment after the next; one awkward encounter after another.  We just don’t enjoy each other at all and I am tired of trying to figure out how to improve the situation.  I am tired of listening to my book “Men are from Mars” and not get mad that I am never supposed to be critical of my man but always support him no matter what he does.  (I am just pissed the author got rich on that stupid little book.)

I really do spend a ton of my spare time (if there is such a thing) working on ways to make my marriage better and at times I really resent that it all has to be my effort and he just does as he pleases and is happy as a clam.

And I guess I write this crap down here when I reach the boiling point so it all sounds so bitchy.

And I am tired of trying to lose weight and counting calories.  I am tired of watching my teenagers make stupid decisions.  I am tired of my feet hurting all the time.  I am tired of feeling like I have NO stable, healthy relationships in my life. 

I am tired of everything.

Weight Loss

Over the winter I put on a few unwanted pounds.  Then come January 1, I was going to diet and eat right and get my act together.  Then I didn't do it.

The good news is that I have finally been losing weight the last few weeks by doing the not so fun job of counting calories.    BUT in order to make the counting a little more fun, I have been using Myfitnesspal.com.   It's a very basic little program / app and I use it at my desk mostly but can update it from my phone too.  It just kind of gave me the extra push I needed to REALY count the damn calories.

Just passing this on in the hopes someone might find it helpful.

Husband has a New Toy

So glad he is giving Beanie rides on it.

Monday my husband bought this old John Deere tractor.  All week he has been lovingly working on it.  For the time being it occupies his side of the garage and his car has been kicked out.   Of course he has printed out the manual and is totally submerging himself in everything John Deere tractor.

At least it's safer than a motorcycle!! :)

Let's Talk about Porn!

The night my husband stayed out until 1:30 a.m. I was sitting there fuming and thinking things like “if he doesn’t come home by morning I’m changing the locks first thing”.  I also, got up and cleared out his porn drawer.  For some reason, that was the first things I thought to do.  I was going to throw it away.  I hate his porn!  (Later I gave it back to him.)

He keeps telling me he does it for me. That he has a very high sex drive and prefers to ejaculate at least once a day so he “uses” the porn to aid him in this activity.  Usually on the days I leave the house early to run, before our daughter gets up, he takes the opportunity to relax with some lube and one of these DVDs.

My husbands porn collection.

He says if he did not do this he would never leave me alone and he would be staring at random women’s breasts all day long. 

You know what I think about it……..

a)      The fact that men are such slaves to their sex drive makes me crazy.  EVOLVE MEN..EVOLVE!

b)      I really don’t want this crap in the same house with my kids.

c)       I HATE the way porn portrays sex!

I think men who watch a lot of porn get effed up ideas about what sex is and what it should be like.   You ever notice that the people in the movies are never in a committed relationship? It is like the pizza guy shows up and the scantily clad horny rich girls having a slumber party drag him into the house so they can have their naughty way with him.  Yes, this is every man’s fantasy, and I understand that is why it sells, but how many men out there start wanting or expecting something similar to happen to them or they are disappointed? 

NO men…..chances are………….your wife is NOT going to great you at the door dressed as a French maid and beg to give you a 1 hour blow job!  NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.

Now, I am not advocating making porn illegal nor do I think anyone that watches it has issues.  I think porn has its place.  But at my house it is substituting for a real physical relationship between me and my husband which I am sure is wrong.

I always wonder if he isn’t addicted or something.  I wonder if he didn’t masturbate so much he might have more of a desire to actually work on a real relationship with me so he could be sexually satisfied by a real person.  I mean for a guy that is scared to connect how convenient to have sex with a movie and when you are satisfied you can just pop it back in the drawer until next time.  So neat and tidy, not messy like a real relationship.

This last week husband has been pretty darn sweet and I have been enjoying the low stress feeling of nobody being in a bad mood.  I have been doing great on my diet, getting in my workouts and getting caught up here at work.  Peace is so good for me.  :)

I never did get up the nerve (or have a good opportunity) to discuss “negotiation” with him but I have that discussed filed away in my head should I need it.  

I don’t feel like I really NEED to talk to George tomorrow and I was even thinking about cancelling since it does cost me money.  Then I got to thinking that last week George and I spoke briefly about my husband’s porn habit and he agreed with me that it is not good for our marriage.  I think tomorrow I will go in and talk to him some more about porn and see what George thinks I can do to get the porn out of my house.  (it can be awkward to discuss though)

Meditation Class

My son Friss goes to weekly meditation.  The fine institution that houses him kind of forces the inmates to attend some sort of church services on Sunday and he finally settled on Buddhism.

I raised him Catholic and there are lots of things I actually like about Catholicism, but there are tons of things I don’t like either; like not allowing birth control is just bat shit crazy (especially when being drunk is totally allowed).

I don’t blame him at all for not being Catholic anymore.  I’m not either.  I’m glad he has found his path.  In all honesty, he does better than I do (emotionally), at everything in life. 

He says that the most important thing he has ever done for himself is his weekly practice.  And he keeps nagging me to get into the habit of meditating regularly.  And I agree with him that I should and I want to, but we all know my life is one scramble after the next and I just never make the time to work on it.

He told me he never would have made the time either and he was very grateful that the correctional system allocated the time for him.  Best thing that ever happened to him.

So when he found out that the local “chapter” of Buddhist here in town is hosting an Introduction to Meditation class, he urged me to sign up AND I did!

I am really excited and a bit scared and nervous.  This is a new thing in a new place with new people.  Friss knows the instructor and just loves him and per our email conversation the instructor gets a kick out of Friss too; always nice to hear good things about your offspring.

I think this is going to be huge.  I think this is a big move in the right direction.

So starting this Wednesday evening I will be heading to my meditation class!!

Negotiation

Negotiation is a dialogue between two or more people or parties, intended to reach an understanding, resolve point of difference, or gain advantage in outcome of dialogue, to produce an agreement upon courses of action, to bargain for individual or collective advantage, to craft outcomes to satisfy various interests of two people/parties involved in negotiation process. Negotiation is a process where each party involved in negotiating tries to gain an advantage for themselves by the end of the process. Negotiation is intended to aim at compromise.

Bonus points to anyone who knows where this photo came from!

Last night at 2 am I was thinking about what I could discuss with my husband next time we are having a talk when no one is upset and this is what I came up with.

You see, we never have a good productive problem solving discussion that I walk away from feeling satisfied.  The reason we don’t is because he won’t go through the negotiation process with me.  He either gets offended and shuts down or he just gives in and says “whatever you want”.   You might think that I am a lucky woman if my husband always says YES but you would be wrong.  It is just frustrating because he is not communicating his needs and desires to me at all.   And, by golly, I want to understand and respect his needs and desires.

If we could fix this one thing it could be huge and I think it is something I can bring up without emotion and discuss in a very analytic way which should please him.

First I will explain I want to discuss Negotiation.  Then I will explain why it is the subject I have chosen.  I will be sure to point out that “yes dear” is a kind and generous response for him to give his wife but I really care about his feeling and opinions so I want more dialogue.

Then I will cover the steps in negotiating and ask him if next time we have a conflict or possible point of contention if we could just go through these steps. 

They are:

1)      Prepare: Know what you are negotiating for and what your position is.

2)      Inform: Let the other person know what you want and why you want it.  Explain your position and back it up with logic.  Express your desired outcome.  This is your chance to share and be heard.

3)      Bargain & Problem solve:  Now after both parties have been properly informed search for common ground and a mutually agreeable outcome.  Time for give and take.  Hammer out the details of what will work for both of you.  Concessions might need to be made by both parties.

4)      Closure & Implementation:  Once agreement has been achieved be sure that both parties understand and are willing to follow through.  Be sure that both understand their roll in implementation.  Both parties should feel satisfied that they were heard and their ideas were of value.

Last but not least, I would add that once in a while, if you can not arrive at a mutually agreeable solution it is ok to say “let’s agree to disagree”.  You don’t have to always agree, but you do at least need to give compromise and the negotiation process a chance!