Holiday Weekend

The night before Thanksgiving I was surfing the net and found a house for sale that looked VERY promising; 3 car garage, newer construction, great price, a little bit south of our original search area but still close enough to make it work should the house be just what we want, which it appeared to be. I texted my real estate agent but she didn’t respond right away. I knew she had family in from out of town so I was not concerned.

Turkey day was nice. Kevin and I spent the day with his family while my youngest daughter went with her daddy to see his parents. I am always disappointed that I don’t see more of my older kids but they are very hard to get a hold of and never really seem to want to hang out with boring old mom. I try not to let it bother me but lately it is nagging on me more. We did text each other on Thanksgiving. They did stuff with their Dad and his family.

Friday morning I went to visit Friss and we had a fantastic visit. I am so proud that he has grown into such an insightful and giving person.  For years I thought his life was over.  I was wrong.

Then on the long drive home I called my mom and had an unusually satisfying conversation with her the whole drive.  Midafternoon when I arrived back at Kevin’s house I was tickled pink to find he had 99% of the new quarter round installed in the living room and hall. 

Late Friday I still had not heard from Julia (my agent) so I texted her about the house and she said she would set it up for Sunday at 10 am.

Friday night Kevin and I cuddled in bed and watched a few hours of HGTV. Have I ever told you that I have a small addiction to house remodeling shows? I used to watch This Old House on PBS before it was cool! As I sat there in bed yapping about anything and everything I wanted to, because you know, Kevin doesn’t seem to mind if I just say whatever I feel like, I was thinking how good life feels.

This morning Stina and I ran about 10 miles and I routed us by the potential new house for sale so we could peak in the window since it is vacant. It looked good and I was even more excited about going to actually see the inside.  Maybe we finally found The One!

Today at noon JDK texted me demanding that it was time to give me the girl.  She was due back at 6pm not noon.  I had hoped to maybe get in a bike ride or a motorcycle ride since the temps were in the 60s but I lumped it and picked her up early so he could (I assume) get a bike ride in. I missed her so I was glad to see her but a bit bummed that I was now stuck at home.  It always feels like he has so much more freedom than I do and at times it really bother me especially since the whole time we were married I did all the heavy lifting in the child care department.

This afternoon Julia texted me that the house went under contract yesterday. This was a blow. I have really struggled to keep this news from ruining my day.

Swim Lessons

Every Tuesday at 5 pm I take my daughter to swim lessons.  I think it is important for her to learn to feel competent in the water so she won't fear it.

Last night Kevin got off work on time for the first time in months and you know what he did?  He rushed over to the pool so he could watch Beanie swim.  He really is an involved "step-father".

Beanie's teacher this week was a guy who she describes as "firm".  I thought he was great with the kids.  He is not mean but he is bossy like a teacher should be; watching them closely and correcting them quickly.  Putting them thru twice as many drills as some of the other instructors.   Beanie is really getting good.  This teacher even makes them practice bi-lateral breathing.  I really like the firm teacher.

You know who NEVER comes to her swim lessons?  Her dad.  :(

You know who pays for her swim lessons?  Me

Now that I am making WAYYYY less money I am more resentful about the fact that JDK is so selfish with his money.   Last summer he swiped a pool raft out of my garage when he stopped by to get the kids swim suit.  He didn't ask to borrow it I just found it missing and the kid told me he took it.  He just kept it.  The other day he tried to keep a throw blanket my daughter drug to his house.  He expects me to buy ALL her clothes and pay for all her entertainment and swim classes.  The divorce says we are to split these costs but I just don't have the energy to nag him for money.  I have been keeping track of what I spend on her though.

I need to call my attorney and ask her about modifying the divorce so we get some child support.  I know that will be fun.

Last Night

After I typed up that sloppy blog post last night I headed over to Kevin's house.  On the way over I was thinking that I am just being codependent because I am letting all these other peoples problems (not really my problems) feel like pressure on me to solve them.

I really don't think I would have gone over to his house if he had not insisted and I knew he would come to check on me if I didn't.

When I got there I sat down and we talked.  I didn't dump out everything in my head at first.  I worried he would be disgusted with me if I just start spouting my truth all over the place.

Historically many people in my life have no sympathy for me when I start to really open up.  They don't understand what happens when you are triggered and the world gets small and your head is not right.  It seems I get told I am being ridiculous or I should somehow be above getting depressed (my parents) or drug down by other people in my life.  And there has been more than one person tell me that I am too negative.  That one really sucks.  I really don't think I am a negative person.

Anyway, I fully expected Kevin to at least give me crap for still letting JDK push my buttons.  To my relief, he was patient, loving and helpful.   To be honest he is always very kind and accepting.  I guess I have a hard time getting used to it though.  (There has only been a couple of times he wasn't and you know all about them since I blogged them.)  Day in and day out he is a very easy person to get a long with and he seems to always see me in a good light.  He has a high opinion of me which is so very lovely after 8 years of being "tolerated" by JDK.

We did text XH#1 back.  It was good that I waited until i was feeling less emotional.  I simply asked him what he needed me to do.  He replied that he just wanted to understand how much debt there is and how much he would be responsible for.  I had already told him that I would have time to work up a summary AFTER thanksgiving.  I reminded him that I hadn't yet figured all that out but I would have it in the next few weeks.  He said thanks and was then satisfied.

Kevin doesn't think I am crazy or ridiculous he just thinks I try to do too much for too many people.  He is so darn good for me.  In no time I was feeling better and when we went to bed I felt so safe and loved and happy that all the "problems" seemed manageable.  

I thought to myself about XH#2 "this is why we are divorced.......we don't communicate well at all".  And that thought gives me comfort.  I believe I had my hopes up that now we are divorced he would be more open and honest with me because he wasn't feeling trapped by me.  Then again when he is nice I wonder if I should have given our marriage another chance.  Days like yesterday reaffirm that we should be divorced.  Anyway, the thing I need to keep in mind is that XH#2 is who he is and will continue to be who he is and I need just expect that.  I could have totally avoided yesterdays deal if I had just kept the kid and not expected him to take his shift. 

I spoke to Friss about the whole thing and he thought that maybe I should be more open and honest with XH#2.  For example when he is saying "yes" with a tone that reads "no" I should just ask him "I hear you saying yes but I get the feeling you aren't really up for it?" or something like that.  He thinks I am still stuffing down my feelings in order to keep peace and that is the real issue with XH#2.  That I should just tell him how I feel or what I think.  IDK....it's something to think about.

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I read an article the other day that I keep thinking about.  It was about happy marriages and the two most important things researcher find when studying them.  First is that you focus on the good not the bad.  All of us have good qualities and bad qualities and the key is to focus on the things you love about your partner and not get caught up being irritated by the bad things.  Don't get hung up on the spit in the sink instead focus on the fact that he always puts the seat down which makes you very happy.

The second item is a little harder to explain but this is my recollection of how it works.  Happy couples turn to each other.  They pay attention when one needs the other.  If I call Kevin and say I got an upsetting text message, he will ask all about it and really listen.  He doesn't respond by changing the focus off of my comment and onto what he wants.  Even in small ways this is huge.  Just looking up at the cute puppy on TV when asked to makes you feel your partner values you and what you think or do; that they want to be a part of your life.

I am happy to report that Kevin does both of these things so well.  I sometimes struggle with them because I have ADD and my brain goes too fast.  But more and more I keep these things in mind and make sure that I am doing them because I love him and I want us both to live happily ever after.

 

Totally Trggered

Typing this out on the fly so my editing etc. will no doubt suck.  Plus I am not sure what I will accomplish other than to sound like a nut job.

This week my daughter doesn't have school.  Since I am now working part time and have the luxury of making my own hours I told JDK (x#2) that I would keep Beanie Monday thru Wednesday since he probably has to work.  (I don't know if he really has to work since he is such a lying fucktard.)

I did this with the hopes of making everyone happy and enjoying a stress free week of the kid being off school and me reaping the benefits of making less money than I need to live off of so I can be a better parent and not be so rushed and spread too thin.

This morning was great.  We took our time and basically wandered by the barn (office at the nursery) when we got around to it...about 10 am.    We only stayed a few hours and my daughter was super good playing with her IPad the whole time.

When I left I call JDK to make arrangements to pass the girl off since Monday nights he keeps her.  He didn't answer.  He later phoned me and acted like I had changed things up on him and he was under the impression I had planned on keeping her Monday thru Wednesday nights and all.  (BTW he has not seen her since Saturday morning and evidently was happy to not see her again until Wednesday afternoon - asshole.)

I told him that it didn't really matter to me...... that it was up to him.  He said he missed her and would be happy to get her yet he "sounded" put out.  I got off the phone and thought to myself "why aggravate myself?" and texted him back and told him I would be happy to keep her and it would be so much easier than him picking her up on the way home only to have to drop her off again in the morning.   Via text he insisted he missed her and was happy to get her.   We left it at that.  I assumed he was coming.

Well we waited and waited and he didn't show up and then we called.  He was at home.  He didn't think I wanted him to get her.  The kid was waiting and begged him to come.  He said he would be right over.  We waited some more and he finally showed up and took her away and gave me the fuck you vibe the whole time.

I just felt walked all over.  The same old shit where he "acts" all agreeable yet somehow manages to torture me mentally.  With a smile on his face and comments like "I want us all to be happy and get along" yet somehow it feels like he is just fucking with me.  He doesn't want me to be happy he wants me to leave him alone so he will be happy.

After they left I just sat and cried and then my text message lit up and it was (of all people) X#1...........Ramone and Monster's dad.  He got more bills from student loans on the boy and is freaking out.  He wants me to solve his problems.  He wants me to be the adult so he doesn't have to.  He fucking infuriates me still to this day.

On top of that, Ramone has no phone and has not had one for a month.  Last night she posted on Facebook how hard life is and how she is happy to be out of touch by not having a phone.  I am realy worried about her but not sure what to do.  She is 19 and I think this is all about her *boyfriend* who is a total loser and a jerk. 

Meanwhile Monster's car is dead and he is walking to work.  I can't afford to buy him a car and I feel bad that he has no transportation.  He's a good kid but I can't keep taking care of everyone all the time.

Oh.......and Friss, well he is awesome but he really wants one of us to come visit him.  I want to go....I want to be there for him.  Maybe Friday....I don't think anything is gong on Friday.

At work today I paid the state sales tax late.  It costs our company over $200 in late fees.  I was only 4 days late.  It was due on the 20th but I thought I had until month end.  I feel just sick about it.  We can't afford to piss away $200!

Kevin is awesome and I am heading to his house next.  He knows I am all messed up and wants me to come and talk.  I know I will feel better after I do but part of me feels too "messed up" to even go over there.  I want to hide and feel dysfunctional where no one can see me.

JDK (x#2) told me recently he is admittedly angry and depressed that Kevin and I are planning to move in together at the end of March when my lease is up.  I didn't discuss it with him, I just got a text from him.  I am sure he is just jealous that his daughter loves a man besides himself.  After all, all the love and attention should be directed at him.......right?

I wish he didn't press my buttons so much.  I still feel really fucking angry that he is acting like a victim.   He started all this shit by not wanting to be my husband even though he willingly married me.  He is the one that had to play the "you're are not the boss of me" game for our whole relationship.  I know one day he won't have the power to dissolve me like this but at this point he still does.  In fact that is probably part of why I am upset.  I really don't want him to have any power over my feelings yet he still does.  I know he is just a POS that I shouldn't have any feeling about or for.

At the end of the day I just want to feel good about the people in my life and my relationships with those around me.   It's not a lot to ask.......is it?

But right now I just want to run the fuck away from everyone!!!!!

My Hero (again)

It was Saturday morning and I had already done my long run with Stina. Kevin and I started to pull up the old carpet that was in pretty good shape since no one really used that front bedroom for anything other than a dumping / storage area. The carpet wasn’t easy to get up because it was under the closet doors but after some moaning and struggles we got it done. I also removed everything from the wall including the old mauve (YUCK) window valances that had been on there since he purchased the house in 1995.

Once the carpet was up the beautiful wood floor could be seen. I don’t think they are as shiny as the rest of the upstairs but hopefully no one will ever notice that but me. The quarter round trim boards had been moved up to accommodate the carpet and now would need to be removed and put back down. Kevin was worried that they would break and not survive the relocation. He pulled up the tack strips while I yanked out the BIG staples that are used to secure a carpet pad. Sadly, they all leave holes in the floor. Why did people do this to such a beautiful wood floor?

At one point I felt he was frustrated about how much work this was and really wishing we had NOT pulled up this fairly new looking carpet. I worried he was mad at me and would somehow lash out at me or express displeasure with me for talking him into this project; for making him work so hard. I tend to expect that people will be unhappy with me and punish me.  I have issues. 

We are trying to sell his house and I have been brainstorming ways to make it look as good as possible so we get a good price and the house sells quickly. I am sure that the hard wood floors will be a selling point so why not get that one last bit of carpet off them? I just didn’t really think through all the possible issues like the finish being different or the trim being raised up. I started to regret that I had pushed for this project.

But you know what happened? He finessed that trim off in one piece and put it back on so you couldn’t even tell there had once been carpet. One little chip did fall off but he got some wood stain and fixed it so you could not even see it. He never got mad at me, complained or acted like a jerk.
WE just worked our butts off and completed the project together. Both of us doing as much work as we could. No one taking advantage of the other person’s generous nature.  It was fun....and satisfying.

Sunday I went and purchased some paint and we both agree that he would roll and I would do the edging. It only took a bit over an hour to paint the small room. Wow it looked nice. Next, we moved the big dresser and chest out of his bedroom and into the front bedroom. He polished the furniture as I hauled the drawers over and before long we were done. We make a damn good team, we do.

Last, but not least we went and purchased a small area rug to finish off the room. It looks great and his bedroom is the next room to get fresh paint. We are leaving his bed in there under the ceiling fan. The room looks so much bigger without all that furniture crammed in there.

I’m telling you………….this guy is THE ONE!!

The Fog is Gone

Well I am not really sure why, but from Monday until Thursday morning I was in a negative funk.  But, it was gone by the time I left for work Thursday.

After my Thursday 5:30 am run I came home (to Kevin's...I live in two houses) and he had cut his hair and done the dishes and we took a shower together and everything was back to it's normal greatness.  I really don't know why I was so grumpy....maybe hormones?  Maybe the time change? Maybe he was just being negative and I was feeding off it?  IDK  Glad it is over and I am feeling positive again.

I have been a good mood ever since.  Tired of the back and forth between two homes but that will end one way or another at the end of March.

Working at the nursery is going GREAT and I love it.  I like being part time.  I love my boss he is a good guy.  I can leave early if I have stuff to do and no one cares.  I can work all day if I am in the right mood and that is good too.  I finally have the books for both the mowing company and the nursery all caught up and the intercompany accounts balance.  Once I clean up the inventory balance and the old AR stuff I will have it all 99% perfect.  It feels good to be on top of things.

I plan to join the gym again this winter and finally get back in shape.  My boss has a credit with the gym and said he would pay 1/2 my membership.  Yippee.  I really want to be feeling strong and healthy for my next birthday when I will be turning 50!!  How the hell did I ever get this old??

Tonight, I plan to take Kevin to a party my multisport club is throwing.  It is an outside bonfire thing.  It will be the first time I actually take him around my old *athlete* friends.  I hope it goes OK.  I think most of my friends, even the more casual ones, never cared for my XHusband so I don't think they will be weirded out by the new boyfriend finally being "displayed".  

Oh and I signed up for a May 1/2 marathon and plan to do one in March too.  I need that in front of me to get me out in the cold to train this winter.

Did I tell you Stina is pregnant again!?!?!  She is due in May.  Right now we are running together and enjoying our talks but as soon as it gets snowy or icy I will be on my own again.  Actually Kevin will probably run with me.  Then again he hates the cold (wimp) but I will nag him to get out there.

I think we are going to set the trainers up in his basement too.  Man I miss riding my bike.  I love to cycle!!

Currently

So....we had to pass on the amazing dream house with the glass walls and fully wooded lot.  The garage issue was too much.  A contractor told us it would be a stretch to add a garage and it would be pricy.   The house sold (as soon as we passed) for $275 which is more than we want to spend, even with a garage and it had none.

Kevin is still all out of whack with his job.  He has been going it at 7 am and working until 7 pm.  It is not good.  I get that it is hard and stressful but I feel he is being a bit of a baby about it all.  I am struggling to be supportive.  I have suffered thru MUCH worse in my life.  There were some years where I worked 60-80 hours a week with no end in sight at a job that was thankless and not going to change.  His problem is temporary and by mid December he should be back to 8 hour days. I am really sick and tired of him going on and on about how he can't wait to quit.  I hope he can find a new job that makes him happy.  I want him to be happy.  Secretly....his constant bitching about how he doesn't want to work is unattractive and makes me feel "unsafe".  Lazy men and I are not compatible.

Last night the Bean woke me around 4 am and then I couldn't get back to sleep.  I absolutely love to fill my 3 am slot with thoughts about how I hate my life....I mean I hate it, but it happens all the damn time.  SO this morning it was 4 am (daylight savings time has me all jacked up) and I thought about how I worry that Kevin is going to leach off me. No, he has really never tried to....I am just paranoid from years of being used by others.  I think it is MY issue not his.  

Then I think about how my (x)husband now drives an hour each way to spend time with his girlfriend because he can't stand to be home along.  When he told me over and over again (when we were married) how he "should have been a bachelor farmer because he is an introvert and loves to be alone".  This was how he excused himself from spending time with me when I was right there in the same house with him!!!!  This fucker always told me that he hated to socialize therefore he had no energy for me or my friends.  He could barely stand to talk to me but now he drives all the way to [other town] for the new girlfriend because he hates to be home alone!  AND as far as I know they have seen at least 4 out of town concerts in the past few months and done a zillion other things "socially" since they started dating.   All things he would NEVER do with me.   AND he claims she is no big deal, that he would do it all with me if I came home.  That he is lost without me and so sad and sick about it all.  So you can't say it is because he is just more into her.  In the long run I feel he is trying his damndest to impress her and I don't think he can keep up the act much longer.  (why the fuck don't people just be themselves!!!!!!)  YES I am bitter.

Work is good.  I love the nursery and all the misfits that work there.  Jacob (my boss) gave me insurance so I am thankful that somehow that all worked out.  Sometimes shit does just works itself out.  That is how you know your are on the right path!

Did I tell you (x)husband stole $250 from me when we did the final deal on the house?  I am such an ass for letting him do that.  (I'll spare you the details) I can not even begin to count all the money he has "stolen" from me in the past 8 years.  Ass wipe. 

Just so down on myself for being his doormat for so long. 

My mother has not met Kevin yet.  She has not bothered to visit me or hardly talk to me since I left my husband.  She is too caught up in her own life.  I am glad she is happy but at the same time I feel I have NO family at all which sucks.  I wanted to introduce her to Kevin so he would have met at least one of my parents.  I was thinking to ask her when in November we could come visit her and then it hit me that she doesn't really care, so why should I?  Honestly she is 83 and won't be around much longer.  It means nothing to her so why should I go out of my way.  See....this is what my family has taught me.

Oh and I want to get back in the gym....I know it would be good for me both physically and mentally.  The only real gym in town wants $599 for an annual membership.  Given our local economy this is INSANELY expensive.  Flat out pisses me off.  Yes I will pay and I will go but really, if I thought I could bank roll it, I would start another gym to compete.  They just rake in the $$ cause there really is NO other option.

My latest thought is that I have some $$ in the bank so I can afford to work at the nursery for a few years.  I like the stress free environment and I may just do it and run down my savings account.  I don't know if I really want to buy a house right now.  Maybe I will just focus on enjoying my time and my daughter.  The rest of it all can just wait.  It seems like no matter who I let into my life I always feel that I get the short end of the deal.  I might just be better off on my own.  Lately I am just sick of all my *relationships*.

Monday Morning Grouch

I don't have a lot of time to write which may be a good thing since I am feeling grumpy and just want to bitch. Not sure why exactly.

I had a good weekend. In fact Saturday was a fantastic day. Saturday morning I did my long run with Stina and as usual, we enjoyed chatting the whole 10 miles. Then, Kevin was a bit grumpy but we went out for breakfast and he seemed to perk up after that. Next we went and looked at a house for sale. We have been shopping for homes for a few months now and it is a depressing project. Even thought the house was not "the one" it was a house that would work and it was in our price range which gives me some hope.  We started out in quest of a 3 car garage but are now focusing on houses with a basement that has a "John Deere" door or access for the tractor and the motorcycle.  I am sure the right one will come along soon.  We also went downtown to two jewelers where we looked at engagement rings. I picked out 3 I loved so now it is up to him to choose one and move forward. I am secretly hoping that I get a ring for Christmas. Saturday evening after Beanie got home we watched the movie "Blended" and we all three really enjoyed it. Good family film / romantic comedy.

Day light savings time, of course, has my kid all messed up. Last night she fell asleep early and then this morning *SUPRISE* she was wide awake at 5 am. I got her to go back to bed for a half hour but then she was back up and demanding service/attention. I just gave in and got up. By 6:15 she was ready for school. I drop her off around 8. She is now watching Curious George on PBS. I do love Curious George!

Then I went to put together my lunch to take to work which includes a bottle of water and once again got irritated about my water bottle situation. Let me tell you the story. See a few years back I purchased a CamelBak water bottle (see above) and really liked it so I purchased another one. Husband already had a small collection of Nalgene bottles but they were too wide to fit in my back pack or car door so I liked my new bottles better. Husband gave me a lot of crap for buying more bottles when we already had a dozen Nalgene bottles already. I explained I liked my new ones better but he was still a jerk about it and treated me like I was being stupid. THEN....he totally started to use my bottles all the freakin' time!!!  When I needed one they were dirty or gone cause he was using them. This pretty well chapped my ass but I had no control over it. I wasn't going to lock them up or hide them from him. SO, I purchased a few more bottles so I could use them too. Then one day I found them on sale so I got a few more. Eventually I think the old Nalgene bottles were lost or pitched. When I went to move out of the house last spring I took about half of the CamelBak bottles. I didn't really need all 8 of them. I knew he used them, I knew my new kitchen was small so I just left them for him to have. Then this morning I wanted another one. Alli has tea in two of mine, one is in the wash and one has OJ in it. So I don't have a clean one for my water. I kind of want a few more. I use them ALL THE TIME. New ones run around $15 bucks though and the mear thought of buying MORE just shot up my blood pressure. I should have just taken all 8 of them with me since I purchased them and they are not cheap. That man got so much money from me over the years (one way or another) it just makes me so angry.

Then, Kevin calls me and I ask him if I can start going to the gym in the morning on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He says sure. I explain he will have to manage the kid for me. ( I want to do a 5:30 am class.)   He then gets quiet and switches the subject. Fine, it's not his job to watch the kid. I will come up with another plan. The class is at noon too....I will try and do it for a lunch break maybe.

Next Kevin is telling me how he wants to take a week off work and do NOTHING!! Just sleep and lay around. This totally freaks me out. I am very irritated that he even thinks such things. I know it sounds like I am over reacting but let me explain.  You see, this is a bit of a trigger for me.  Most of my adult life lazy people have globbed onto me in the hopes I will make their lives easier by pulling more than my share of the weight.  However, the logical thinking side of me gets that he has been working a ton of hours and he is tired and needs a break. But what happens in my mind is something like this:

"You are so lazy that you actually want to do nothing for a WHOLE WEEK (I could handle a day)? There are a million things that need to be done and you would choose to just RELAX? Are you just a lazy person that I will have to end up taking care of like Ramone and Monsters Dad? It does take him longer than I think it should to do just about anything. Laundry lasts for days. He mows the yard all afternoon. Maybe he and I really aren't compatible. I WILL NOT LIVE WITH A LAZY PERSON EVER AGAIN. He keeps talking about not wanting to work. Maybe he wants me to financially support him just like all the others have. This is not good."

Then I realize that I am really blowing it out of proportion. He has been working his ass off pulling 12-13 hour days for weeks. He is tired and burned out and venting. It is no big deal. I was already grumpy so it just hit me wrong.

I need to get the kid to school now.

Have a good day everyone!!