No More Class

Last week I had to get a sitter so I could go to my class.  I left Beanie at her friends house and promised to pick her up by 8:15 so the girls could get to bed on time on a school night.

When I got to class there was the "all group" meeting beforehand where we listened to a very beautiful young girl tell us all how she got pregnant as a teen and was full of shame.  She however did marry the father and they are still together and best I could see it worked out pretty good for her.  Her husband was there, handsome and supportive.  Anyway....her story didn't resonate with me.

Around 7 p.m. we went to our individual classes where we spent the next full hour talking about how our week went.  We got started on the homework at 8:10 which is when I had to leave.    I was frustrated because I thought it was a good chapter and I wanted to dig into it.  

This last week I read the homework but never had time to really sit down and write it up.  I had planned on doing it Wednesday after I got done with my daily sandwich shop work but instead got handed a last minute project.  Also frustrating.

I got there a few minutes late on purpose.  I really don't care if I participate in the large group part at the beginning.  When I arrived I sneaked in to find all the chairs full so I went and stood by a girl in my class.  The little young girl with way too many tattoos.  She bristled at my presence...she's not a people person.  The room was watching a 13 minute video of a preacher who was very exuberantly making metaphors about lives being like a seed in the dirt.  Honestly, I found his TV evangelist style rather disturbing.

After that we went to our rooms where the instructor said we would take off where we left last week and discuss shame because it is such an important topic.  Yeah!!  I didn't miss much.

We did some chatting as a group and then she asked questions from the book and we went around the room and read what we wrote.  Which sounds like it should be fine, but it didn't work out that way for me.

a) It is so obvious that she has about 4 "go-to" phrases she likes to dish out.  "Thanks for sharing....I know that was hard for you",  "I pray for each of you every single day", etc.  Basically, she is trying really hard to offer affirmation and encourage people to share their feelings.  That's it.  Which is probably great for some people, but it really doesn't get me anywhere.  I really don't believe she has any insight to offer me.  Hell even the trained therapist didn't help me why did I think a church lady would.
b) Listening to others share should offer insight and help you feel less "alone" in your struggles.  Instead I just feel that i don't want to hear about their issues...it hurts my gut.  I feel damned if i care and damned if I don't.   Not like I can help them.  I'm not allowed to offer any advise or comment.
c) When we got to me she actually told me that I didn't have to try to be so entertaining.  WTF?  I wasn't trying to be entertaining at all.  I was telling  my story.  Then I tried to explain how I used to think my father was my "bad" parent and lately i feel it is my mom.  She cut me off when I tried to bring up my mom.  She wanted to discuss my dad.  I'm really way past that.  Been dealing with it my whole life.  I just don't care anymore.  It doesn't bother me anymore.  She wouldn't believe that.
d) she wanted me to share my feelings and at this point i don't really have any to share.  The only thing i could say is it breaks my heart to watch my kids suffer because I wasn't a good parent to them...even though i tried so hard to not make the mistakes my parents did I still managed to instill in them all the shitty self doubt and ineffective relationship skills I have.  The cycle is so hard to stop.

It's just too complicated to get any traction in the 10-15 minutes I get to speak in the class.  It's a waste of time.  I am always stressing because I don't have enough time so why am I dedicating 3 or more hours a week to this.  I can read the book and do the exercises on my own and put Thursday night to a better use.

There....I quit and I am thrilled to have that off my schedule.

e) oh and there was talk about confiding in friends.  I don't have anyone like that.  I just don't.  Somehow that didnt' go over well.
f) and one lady in the class (who is really odd) somehow thought I called her a narcissist.  Which i didn't and what ever i said that made her think that probably came out all wrong and that is my point.  I can't open my mouth without fucking things up.  So i should keep it shut.   YET....EVERYONE says the answer to shame is to share!!!

FUCK IT ALL

Ill just ride my bike.