Riding

My friend Ashton took this photo of us biking Saturday morning. What a nice ride!

Later I hopped a ride on the back of a friends Harley. We had the best time. I am in big trouble folks...I have feelings. (don't lecture me I am not a child)

Ramone's boyfriend moved out. I am overjoyed.

I ran into Rocco's wife while out running Sunday. Happy to report I was not triggered and it wasn't a big deal. Sorry to report my euphoria from above mentioned bike rides contributed to my lack of concern over chatting it up in person with "The Wife".

I love Birdie's belt in the tree!

I bring my dog to work almost every day. This is what happens in between her naps.

Connecting the Dots

WOW...been reading and thinking a lot today. (In between work projects)
I am realizing all kinds of things. I am connecting dots that I had not connected before.
I am seeing things a bit clearer.

I was mulling over why it seems I was fine until Rocco’s left….or started to fuss about leaving. At the time he was attracted to a young woman at work and he started acting distant to me. He also started to be critical of me in ways he had never been before. For example I was always more of a down to earth girl with long hair and he was fine with that for years but then he changed and began telling me to cut my hair and dress up more. Later I found out that his now wife was all about dressing up and wearing high heels to work. She has shoulder length hair. The point is when he got critical and distant that triggered me because now the love of my life was treating me like my parents did. He was validating all that they had taught me. Before this I had pretty much been fine emotionally, rising above my past and feeling “normal”. I never could understand why I COMPLETELY fell apart when he “turned” on me but now it makes perfect sense. (Not like he was the first guy to dump me but they were not my soul mate.)

Ever since then I have been struggling because now my parents and my soul mate have “told” me that I am NOT worthy of their love. NO WONDER I AM UNHAPPY.

Then, I get tangled up with my husband….he was abusive from the start. He used to “disappear” if he felt like it. I hated it but we were just dating so I tried not to let it bother me. Later I got pregnant and we were forced to try and build a relationship. Once again, I am stuck with someone who does not love me! More validation. (I do believe he loves me now I just don’t know how to get past my resentment for the past and my logical fear that his love won’t last anyway.)

Thinking about relationships in general today I had a thought. I have always assumed that ALL relationships were difficult like mine and I just didn't know how to "handle" people or relationships would be easier. I have always blamed the fact that relationships are painful for me and that people hurt me on the fact that I am not strong enough or good with people, etc. I would see other women who had sweet attentive husbands and think “I wish I knew how she does it?” Meaning she has tricks to guilt him or manipulate him so she gets what she wants. I just thought I didn’t know how to demand respect so I got walked on.

Now I am thinking that I have been trained to hurt myself....and stay around people that hurt me. That other people really don't suffer and it's not because they have more skills...it’s because they grew up with a healthy view of themselves and now they have formed normal healthy relationships. No one ever brainwashed them into submission.

Just now I realized I should talk to my brother about this …..He may have insight or it may actually help him to make sense of his life.

Friss too. I was reading where people tend to pass this crap on to their own kids. After all it is how we are trained to behave. I hate the thought of actually treating my kids like I was treated as a child. I sure hope I am not doing it.

I found a book I am going to read. It is called “The Box of Daughter” by Katherine Mayfield. I am really excited to read it and talk more with George about all this.

F.M.L.

Ever since I found out that Rocco and his wife were coming back to town I have been chatting with her, “The Wife”, here and there, off and on, via email. Just keeping in the loop and gearing up for the day I see them in person. I have been trying to make my peace emotionally with it all by exposure; you know like how they make people with claustrophobia ride elevators.

This morning, I saw a women jogging with twins. I emailed The Wife (we have running in common) that pushing twins would suck. She giggled and agreed that pushing the stroller while running is a bummer. She has a 10 month old and generally has to take him along when she runs.

Then she mentions that a nice guy in the local grocery store was really talking up my multi sport club!!
(You know the one I belong to so I have a life....any sort of life.)

RED FLAGS - RED FLAGS!!!

This club is where I generally get all my social life and friends from. I do not want her to join. (Although all along I kind of figured she might since she does triathlons too.) But if she does join it then I would see her ALL THE TIME.

Even worst though…..and you won’t believe this…..guess who the nice man at the store was????

UWE…that’s right one of my best friends was talking to the ex-boyfriend’s wife (he didn’t know it) and trying to sell her on joining our club. He struck up the conversation by commenting on her crazy tan lines.

I texted him and queued him up. He was shocked it was her and had no idea.

I chatted with her a bit more too…..she liked Oova (how she spelled it) and thought he was a bit flirty. That even her 10 month old son liked him and he doesn’t like anyone.

Based on what they both told me I can tell they chatted for quite some time. I can just see him turning on his charms for her. He really is a super nice guy when you first get to know him and he certainly likes the club to be full of pretty ladies for him to hang out with.

I also queued her up on who she was talking to. She knew I had a friend named Uwe…but had not been pronouncing it correctly since I only correspond with her via email.

Long story short….she is in town for ONE week and my best friend is hitting on her and encouraging her to join MY club.

FML!

UGH

(and I won’t even bore you with the conversation that me and Uwe had this morning…..lately I can’t do anything right as far as he is concerned which just makes me want to cry and cry cause he used to be so dang nice to me and make me feel loved and appreciated.)

Taking The Bull by The Horns

Last night I thought long and hard about what George and I had discussed.  I thought about contacting Rocco to discuss how his return to town was going to play out.  (I know both Rocco and his wife are thinking about running into me too.)

Then I decided it would be best to just talk to wife…..not Rocco.  A few years back, I corresponded with her often via email and I feel like it would be more appropriate to talk to her since I don’t want anyone to think I am after Rocco or something.  Besides, I know he is super busy at work and really doesn’t have the time or interest in dealing with me.

So this morning when I got to work I sent her this email: 

“Hey, I heard you guys are moving back to town.  I hope we can be friends and everything is cool?!?!?!   You’re thoughts?”

Her response:

“Hi. Yep, moving back.  I have mixed feeling on this move.  I am VERY excited to be near my family, especially my sister, but I absolutely hate leaving my life and friends here.  I suppose the friend’s part is totally up to you.  I would love to have a girlfriend there to occasionally bike with, but I am not planning on coming back and trying to invade your space or horn in on your life or friendships.  I know that it will probably be tough since we both like doing the same things and we may see each other occasionally, but we can make it work if you would prefer to just be acquaintances.  You know, sometimes, I really miss just shooting the shit with you while we are both at work.  Sometimes. ;)”

If I am to be completely honest here…..if I were to remove her from the circumstances and just consider her as a person (not Rocco’s pick over me), I think she is pretty nice.  We do have a lot in common.  (however a lot of that has to do with our relationship with Rocco.  She took up cycling after she started dating him just like I did.) 

I told her I was cool with being friends (we are now Facebook friends too) and that I wanted to let her know that so there would be no concerns.    

I just realized that I had no other options….so I decided to be the big person and extend the olive branch.  I’m not going to take them home baked cookies as soon as they move back or anything.  (In fact I asked her where they were planning on living and she didn’t give me a straight answer.)  BUT, for the moment, I am going to consider the issue closed; hope that I really don’t run into them ....much.... but should I run into them I will be cool and friendly and know that I already set the stage for things to be “chill”.

 I know it's all in my head so taking charge of this situation has made me feel in control and that has done a lot to eliviate my anxiety.  (for now at least)

Balance

Tonight I found out more about what is going on with Rocco and family.

They are moving back here to be closer to her family.  He is taking a job that will be less hours and less stressful.  (No doubt he is putting family first.)  She is not going to get a job but instead will be a stay at home mom. (I can’t lie…that stabs me in the heart.)

I Googled his new job…evidently office hours on Friday end at 12:30…lucky bastard.

He always was the type to balance quality of life with money.  I am sure they will still be able to afford nice vacations and all but the real reason for the move is quality of life.  He will have more time with the family and they will be closer to her family for babysitting and all.

:~(

George Earns his Money

Friss called this morning so I told him what all was going on.  He was sweet and let me cry on his shoulder.  I am so glad I have him to confide in.  He told me to tell George that I am stronger than I think I am and he knows it and he wishes I did.  How sweet is that!?

At noon I drove to George’s office and the whole way there I was struggling with what I would say and how I would explain.  I mean really, George and I have barely talked about Rocco ever.  We usually just yap about Husband.

It was hot so I took my dog in with me….George is cool like that and let me do it.  I sat down and the first thing I said was “Today George, you will earn your money!”  I then filled him in as best I could and started to sob and feel completely broken.  I explained….this was not just some old boyfriend that dumped me….this was my soul mate (or so I thought) and he crushed my heart and I have NEVER recovered.   Rocco was my greatest love.  We dated from 1996-2002.  The last few years were fucked up and that made the brake up even worse.  Without meaning to, he tore me down as he tried to justify his feeling for the other women at work.  I have never been able to replace him and I have always felt that “she stole my life.”

My dog fussed around the whole time I was talking....she knew I was upset. 

I know all this is not normal or rational and George told me if it hurts me, it is real to me and that is what matters.  George could see how upset I was and how much anxiety their return was causing me.  I know he was a bit surprised but he said all the right things to make me feel accepted and that he understood.  That alone made me feel better since after all these years EVERYONE else says “oh my god you are still hung up on this guy after all these year!?  Just get over it already!?!”

I know it’s fucked up but in my defense, I have tried everything I can think of to get past it and nothing has worked.  Also, I think that Friss had just been sent to prison, my job was hell and a dozen other things all collapsed in my life at the same time, there is certainly an element of PTSD to the whole thing.  This brings me back to a point in my life where EVERYTHING was destroyed….my life exploded….my soul was devastated.  Basic beliefs were shattered.  I have never recovered and I know that very acutely.

I also believe that if I had gone on to meet and marry a guy that I thought was BETTER than Rocco I wouldn’t give a shit about him.  You know the best revenge is living life well.  I know that feeling so alone in life since he left and never actually finding a suitable replacement for him has made a huge difference in how I still feel about him.  At this point he is irreplaceable in my heart and mind.

George’s advise:  You will see them and you need to start making peace with the idea.  Visualize seeing them and how you will react.  Process it in your mind so when it happens you are ready and you don’t freak out.  I assured him I would be cool in their presence it would be after I saw them I would come unglued.  I know I will race to my car and ball like a baby after the first time I see them in person.  I know I will.

He also told me that I have “unfinished business” with Rocco and this is fate giving me a chance to work on that business.  That he has come back into my life because it was meant to be.  I don’t think, and I know he didn’t mean, that we will get back together…but I do believe he is right and I have to understand that I must get thru this before I will feel strong again. I must make peace with this part of my life at some point.   I guess now I need to start that process.

I don’t still love Rocco…hell I don’t even know him anymore….but I am still in love with that person I was in love with many years ago.  That person that felt so right.  I still miss him very much. 

I also know that person doesn't even exist anymore.

My 6th Sense

I have had this odd feeling……lately; been thinking of Rocco more than usual.  Just an odd tick in the back of my head.  So yesterday, Tuesday, I sent him the following email.

“How are you?  How is the little man?  Anything exciting going on in your life?”

Other than the occasional happy birthday or Merry Christmas email we have barely talked in years.  Since his son was born last August, I think he has sent me photos of him twice.  We always keep it brief as he doesn’t want to upset the wife or me.

Anyway the point is we really don’t have anything to do with each other anymore.  When I sent the email I thought he might respond with something like: “got a promotion” or “moving to a new house” or even “moving to a new exotic town” …..But I really did NOT expect to get this response this morning.

“Life is crazy, but good.  Quit my job this week.  Took a job back there that starts in June.  Trying to get a house cleaned up, a teenager settled somewhere, and a move coordinated with only 3 weeks to go.  And I have to make time for one last mountain bike ride, too much snow this spring haven’t been able to ride yet.  Little man is doing great, my motivation for doing all this shit.”

I was shocked….stunned.  I had really thought I would never see him again and I was OK with that.  I had pretty much decided to not even contact him ever again.  I mean what is the point....right?  I have always been jealous that they live in Denver but still I was happy they were not here in my small town where I would run into them all the time.

My first reaction was to start to cry but being at work I had to “suck it up”.  It felt like someone had punched me in the gut.  I called Julia for sympathy and she dutifully told me she gets it.  She asked why I even emailed and I told her that I would rather find out this way than just accidently running into them in the grocery store one day and being shocked as hell right in front of them.  At least now I have a chance to sort my feelings out.

Then I sat here some more….thinking of all the ramifications.

1)      I would now have to see them and talk to them (making their life together more REAL to me again).  This town is too small and we have too much in common to avoid them.  Besides I can’t live constantly trying to dodge them.  (I don't want to hear his voice.)

2)      They got the good grocery store before….I guess they will get it again.  Had nightmares that I ran into them in the grocery store so I don’t really want to come face to face with them happily shopping like a real family.  Cross that store off my options after June first.

3)      We have mutual friends that I kind of “got” when they left town….now that was going to be a problem again….unless I want to hang out with Rocco and wife and those friends.

4)      The job he is taking (since we are both accountants) here is probably a job I could have had.  We have very similar credentials and there are so few jobs in this town that I would actually want.  Missing an opportunity like that sucks.  (him getting it instead of me sucks even more.)

5)      His wife is now into triathlon….what if she joins my club?  What if all my “new” friends love her?  What if she kicks my ass at all the races?  I need this outlet for ME and i don't want to share with her!

6)      This is going to keep me awake at night.  I might have nightmares….I have before.  This is going to fuck my head up even if I don’t want it to.  It is bigger than me and I know it.

I sat here frozen for a long time.  The UPS guy came in and asked me what was wrong.  I told him it feels like someone has died….and thought to myself…….that someone is me.

I want to leave work and run away.  I want to leave work and get drunk and pass out.  (I want a shoulder to cry on but I have no one.)  BUT next week is my audit so I have a million things to get done and can’t spend any more time thinking about this!!!

I must set it aside until tomorrow when I go to see George.  I know he can help.  I sure hope I can sleep tonight.  I NEED to sleep and work so badly right now.  This is bad timing….very bad timing.

At least they won’t be here for a few more weeks.

Steller Bad Mood

Last night we watched Game of Thrones.  We finished the last disc of the first season.  We also watched a little Antiques Road Show on PBS.    When it was time to sleep I didn’t feel sleepy, but I turned off the lights because I was bored and ready to be done with the day.

I didn’t sleep well.  At one point the dog woke me because she seemed to be choking.  I sprung from bed and found her sound asleep in her bed next to mine.  She seemed to be asleep and coughing in her dreams?  I tried to wake her and she stopped making the hacking sound.

I climbed back into bed and realized I had been dreaming about antique maps at an antique show.  They were fine old pieces of parchment and people were lovingly admiring them and marveling at their value.  I knew I had combined the two things I had watched on TV.

It was around 2 am and I dozed off again.  I think I slept sounder for a while.   Then I heard the dog throwing up.  I looked over and she was in her kennel.  GOOD, it wasn’t on my carpet.  I pitched her out of the house so she could barf all she wanted.  It was now around 4 am.  I figured there was still time to go back to sleep.

I may or may not have gone back to sleep.  At one point I stretched and my ankle hurt.  It was cold and icy outside and I am so sick of winter.  I started to wonder about my morning run.  Would it be icy?  Should I wear my Yaktrax? Would I be better off to run a different route?  Would the dog be a bad idea since the roads will be crowded?  All of a sudden I decided I didn’t fucking want to run in the snow and ice AGAIN.  I decided to blow off my morning run; something I rarely do.  (Like maybe 3 times in 9 years have I just not gone when I wasn’t sick or had some major issue to stop me.)

At 4:45 the alarm went off and I got up and walked to the bathroom to get dressed for my run.  I had already changed my mind again……that yes, yes I must go run.  I know I will feel guilty and fat and lazy if I don’t go.  Then all of a sudden I just felt angry and depressed and said fuck it and climbed back in bed.

I started to go back to sleep ….I so wanted to just escape to dream land.  Then I thought I had better wake husband so he could go to the gym.  I shook him gently and told him I was skipping my run and he could go to the gym.  He said I should go to the gym.  I didn’t feel like it.  I told him to go.

Then, of course he spend the next 15 minutes pawing me so I never got to go back to sleep.  I finally told him to give it up that I was far too grumpy to have sex.

I spent the whole morning feeling angry and sad and on the verge of a breakdown.  Like nothing is right and never will be.  Like my life is just a cruel trick that someone has played on me.  Really I go through all the motions but I am not HAPPY.

I suppose yesterdays post is the root of this funk.  I hate the fact that Rocco, the most important relationship of my life, the person who changed everything………could care less if he ever speaks to me again.  I suppose I was just a rebound thing for him when his wife left him.  I was just a springboard to get him to where he is now.  He doesn’t look back.  I am sure he rarely thinks of me.  I am still just baffled how two people can be so close and end up so far apart. 

Whatever.  I am not going to go on about all that.  I am just surprised that after over 10 years things are not notably better……they are faded but things are NOT all OK now.  My life still just feels like such a disappointment every time I turn around.

Sometimes I think….maybe I am just a depressive person.  Maybe I am just and idiot that I can’t wake up and be happy like other people do.  Then I remember I used to.  I used to feel normal.  I just want to feel normal again; like I did for the first 35 years of my life.

Best Friends

Not my basement or husband but THIS is how you ride a bike trainer in winter.

When I was with Rocco, it was not uncommon for him to come home and say “hey there is a new restaurant I heard about let’s go check it out.”  And then we would enthusiastically venture out for a fun evening together at said new restaurant.

He would say things like “you would just love Hawaii. I can’t wait to show it to you.”  Or “what do you want to do this weekend? Would you like to play golf?  I can set up a tee time for us.”

I have been trying to figure out why he made me feel so loved and my husband does not and I think I finally decided this is it.  When Rocco thought of what he wanted to do in his spare time, I was automatically part of the equation.  He wanted to spend time with me and share his life with me.  He was my best friend and we pretty much did everything together if we could.

He did take me to Hawaii and he taught me to ski and to mountain bike and all kinds of cool things.  We really had fun together even if we were just putting laundry away or doing yard work.  It was like we were a team.  It always felt so comfortable and so right too; like it was just meant to be that way.

Husband is an only child and an introvert and he prefers to be alone.  He does not enjoy my company for the most part (unless I am naked).  He puts up with my presence when he must in order to keep the peace and make me happy.  I get the fact that he does things with me because he wants me to be happy and that is nice.  He will take me out to dinner if I ask him to because he does love me.   But it’s not the same as actually being invited along because your presence is desirable….because you make things more fun just because you are around.

I guess I can never fully enjoy spending time with my husband because I know he would prefer not to do things with me (or anyone for that matter) and that our time together is him paying his dues so he can live in peace and not have an angry wife.

George says we MUST do more things together if we are to have a happy healthy marriage and I totally agree.  The problem is, husband does them grudgingly most of the time.  It is just not really fun for him. 

Usually if I propose we do something together husband will try to turn it into an opportunity for him to get some exercise or something like that.  This winter he kept encouraging me to ride the trainer with him. (Stationary biking in the house- see photo above.)  He was pushing it as something we could do together. To me it was him thinking of ways to appease me that were not a waste of time to him. 

When I ask George about it he says I have to be happy that husband is trying.  That I need to be positive and encourage the things I want.  George says that as we do more stuff together it will feel more “normal” and we will both be more comfortable together.  George is all about developing new habits and he wants me and husband to develop new ways of relating to each other.  I suppose that is the best we can do at this point.

 

My Personal 9-11

11 years ago today, we all remember what we were doing when we heard about the plane hitting a tower in NYC.

I was at work and I think the first thing I received was an email from my mother.  I read it and hardly believed it.  Then the office secretary turned on the big TV in the conference room and everyone went in there to watch.  I am not sure if that was before or after the second building was hit.  It was all so surreal.

Simultaneously, Rocco was in San Francisco and due to fly home on that very day, September 11, 2001.  He was still living with me at the time.  (I was suspicious of his feelings for his co worker who is now his wife, but he had assured me many time that there was nothing between them.)  I knew our relationship was in ruins because he had gone to San Francisco to talk to a head hunter about getting a job there.  He was seriously considering moving there and had told me I was not invited because I needed to stay here for my kids.  He also told me he didn’t want to breakup with me that we would continue to date even after he moved.  What a joke.

Anyhow, on 9/11 all planes were grounded and he could not fly home.  I don’t remember exactly now, but he was stuck in San Fran for another 4 or 5 days I think (maybe a week).  He had lots of time to think and when he got back something was different.  He suddenly seemed invested in our relationship again.  He told me he wanted to try harder……that he was thinking if we could work it out we might even get married!!

I was so happy that he had a change of heart.  I was so happy that things were better.  I will never know what happened those days in San Fran or what really went through his mind, but it was all going to work out and I was thrilled.

Then, about a week before Christmas that same year, Friss made his fatal error and then Christmas became gray and pointless…….then January got worse and by February Rocco was so far away I couldn’t even see him right in front of me.  He would move out sometime that spring.  I wish I would have begged him to stay.

So, to me, 9/11 was a horrific unbelievable event in NYC and at the same time it was the point in my life where things started changing and have never gotten back on track.  It was the begging of a long slide into dark days.  It was the beginning of the end of so much.

9/11 makes me sad on so many levels.

Born August 13

Today i received this email from Rocco's wife with two newborn photos attached:

"He is here.  Colin Henry ______ was born August 13th, 2012.  6 pounds 14 ounces and 19 3/4 long.  Life is busy, hectic, but so sweet.  

Hope all is well with you, your family, and your training."

I beleive she was just trying to be nice.....she is proud and happy.

It hurts me.  It makes me sad.  It gives me a huge hollow hole in my gut.

Wine will be consumed.

Best Friend

I remember when Rocco and I first started dating, we would cherish any time we had together alone.  Life is busy and we worked in the same office and we didn’t have a lot of time to just BE with each other.  (Not to mention I had two small kids.)

Sometimes after work we would go sit by a lake, watch the water and just hold each other and talk.  Or better yet lay by the lake in the evening and watch the stars above us as we chatted about everything in our hearts and minds.

I remember the first night we ever stayed together all night.  I don’t remember if we made love….we probably did….what I do remember is feeling so excited and happy to be with him that I couldn’t’ sleep.  I didn’t want to waste one second of our time together to slumber.  And best of all, he felt the same way.  He too, was so happy/excited that he could not sleep either.  We just cuddled and talked for hours and hours.

Later as the shiny new wore off, we still spent a lot of time together.  Almost every night we would make dinner and eat together.  Each weekend we would play golf together or go cycling or take a hike.  We did household projects together and watched TV on the couch in each other’s arms. WE really enjoyed each other’s company.  We were best friends.

I realize now more than anything that is what I miss.  I miss companionship.  When we broke up I had no idea that finding another companion in life would be an impossible task.  I also had no idea that he had my replacement lined up.  Is it no wonder I am still jealous of her.  I am lonely and she has a great companion for life. 

I know looking back is not doing anything to help me now.  I just miss him….or at least a person like him in my life; someone to really spend my life with.  A best friend.

He Took Care of Me

This weekend I was thinking about why I loved Rocco so much and one of the reasons was because he is the only person (other than my mother) to actually take care of me; to think about my best interests and act.

When we lived together he maintained both cars completely; oil changes, repairs, washing and waxing, license renewal, new tires, everything.  All I had to do was show up and drive.  He never made a fuss about it, he just did it and I enjoyed not having to worry about it at all.  In fact, he actually bought me a car.

Also, he would pitch in with housework without any prompting.  If he saw it needed to be done he would do it.  He often cooked dinner ……well actually we would cook together mostly. 

He bought and installed a new water heater when ours crapped out and I didn’t give it a thought.  (Husband might do this now, but, he also would try and stick me with the bill.)

He planned awesome vacations and fun activities and was eager to have me along on them.  He would buy the tickets and clear the dates with me and I would just have to be packed and by the door ready to leave on time.  No big deal, it was easy and fun for me.

He advised me on how to invest my money whenever he came up with some good ideas or options he shared with me because he wanted me to be successful too.

Literally every other person I have dated or been married to has expected ME to take care of THEM (or in my husband’s case to just leave him alone) and you know what, I really don’t want to.

Happy Hour

This morning, Husband was too busy getting ready to leave to sit in bed and share coffee with me like we usually do while we watch the a.m. news.  I asked him more than once if anything was bothering him and he answered with the usual NO in the “you’re crazy” tone.

I reminded him that Beanie has preschool graduation at 3.  He said he would be there, but then he needs to go back to work.  Now, I know his boss is in Greece for the summer and he most certainly is not so busy on a Friday afternoon at 4 pm that he NEEDS to go back to work.  So I asked why he needed to go back.   He said he had “stuff” going on. 

I let that sink in for a bit and decided I would go ahead and ask the real question…….”Are you going to happy hour?”  He paused and thought for a minute and then decided it best to be honest and told me YES, he was indeed going to happy hour. 

Please note that at some point in the past we had agreed that Friday nights were to be family nights but that rarely happens because he rolls in rather late most Fridays.

Then I asked what the occasion was.  This was actually a trick question because I suspect that most every Friday they knock off early and head to the closest bar for a few hours.  He never shares that with me though and would deny it if asked.

He told me it was for the new employee.  I said “you mean Audrey”?  He said yes.   For the last 6 months Audrey has been there Administrative Assistant (he calls her his secretary) but recently she was officially hired thru the university.  I am pretty sure this is not some special happy hour just because they have a new employee but whatever.

He was standing in the hall by the door to the garage and I was standing in the bedroom and we shared an awkward silence until he finally said…..“You can come if you want”. 

Well, to be honest I certainly don’t feel invited (or wanted) so my instinct is to pass on that comment.  I didn’t respond to him, I just went about my normal morning business as he left quickly without a kiss goodbye.  I am pretty sure his office mate Alex will have his wife there.  I know other people that will be there so it’s not like I don’t know anyone.  Last time he invited me to a happy hour Beanie was still in a pumpkin seat.  He just wanted to show her off and knew I would not let him take her without me.

He seems to try to keep me away from other aspects of his life.  I am not sure why this is.  It feels hurtful to me though.

When Rocco started keeping me away from his work it was because he was involved with his employee so part of me suspects my husband has a thing for the new girl (who I have never met).  Then again, I really don’t think he has the ambition to have a woman on the side.  In fact I think he can hardly stand to have one and would not want two for sure.  Besides, he has always treated me like this from day one.  When we were dating I excused it by thinking to myself we are not serious enough for him to bring me around all his other friends.  Later I blamed it on the embarrassment of an unplanned pregnancy.  Most recently I don’t even bother to wonder where he is or why I am not included.  It just keeps my brain happier.

***************
update:
He came to the graduation and acted very nice.  He then left to go back to "work".  He never gave me a time frame but I assumed he would be out until 7 or 8 at the latest.  (4-8pm = 4 hours of drinking)
When he was not home yet and it was well after 9 and he had not returned my phone calls or texts, I texted his friend Lauren who I thought might be with him.  SHe texted me right back and then he called.  I did not speak to him because Beanie was sleeping in my lap and I didn't want to wake her.  I felt better knowing he was alive though.  I finally fell asleep and he got home at 11 pm. 

She has a blog....I don't read it!

Before I found out that Rocco and his wife were going to try for a baby, I used to think about it a lot. When they got married and shortly after she changed her birth control, I knew that a baby was being discussed. Then a year went by and nothing happened. Then I wondered if they had changed their mind. Evidently she had some terrible reactions to her new form of birth control and she had also had some sort of blood clotting sickness (no I have no idea what it was called) so they did go back and forth a lot on the idea.

In MY mind I would go back and forth about how I felt about it too. Part of me was all for it because I know how stressful it is to have a toddler in the house; especially a rowdy little boy. I also know that different parenting techniques can really stain a relationship. Not to mention the fact that like me and my husband they are cyclist, swimmers and runners who would have to start tag teaming their workouts so one could stay home with their kid. Less time together, I’m OK with that. No more happy relaxing biking outings with your spouse. No, you will either have to find a sitter, drag the kid along (which is usually just not worth it) or go one at a time like my husband and I do. (Although my husband rarely rode with me anyway since I am much slower than he is and he can’t be bothered to wait.) So, I was not wholly against them procreating.

On the flip side though, I can envision her giving birth and them putting the cheesy newborn up on her and him holding her hand and weeping with joy. I so don’t want them to share that moment. I can remember how the house feels so special with a wee baby as the focus. I know he will cherish her more once they are parents of their own little person. So, yes I was kind of hoping they never went down that road, that he would just never have kids of his own and never actually understand how the rest of feel about our own children.

All of his friends have been having babies lately so I knew he would start to feel the urge. He is about 42 years old now so I am sure he was feeling the pressure to make that decision. She told me that they would have two if they have one. I think that is their plan. Of course, after the one arrives they can certainly change their minds on that….and I bet they will. (But two sounds good to me….more work…he he.)

She is about 36 now so she is getting to the age where she would be considered high risk should they go for number two. I guess only time will tell what they do next, but I am going to say that they will be good parents, but it will cramp their style quite a bit and they will hold at one.

I know I am not being nice when I hope that things don’t work out well for them. Yes I am bitter and awful….I know. But, who the hell gets to sleep with their boss at their first job straight out of college and have it all work out into some happily ever after blissful “love of my life” story (in Denver Colorado). It’s just not fair!!

It Has Been 10 Years Now!

How can it take someone 10 years to get over a breakup? HOW? I keep asking myself that.

I am happy to report, for the first time ever, mostly, I do feel over it. Why now? I’m not sure.

For the longest time, I just could not let go. I didn’t want to. I knew I should but deep down inside to let go meant losing so much. It meant losing a piece of me.

I am sure that time and distance are factors making me feel better. It feels like it’s been a long time now since he left me. For the first few years, it still felt like it had just happened. And distance, the fact that he is in Denver, has no doubt been huge. So much easier to forget someone if you don’t “trip” over them frequently cause you live in a small town and have similar interest.

Also, in the past few months I have just broke off all ties. I don’t answer emails and I would never call him or talk to him again. I just decided to be done. I don’t want to know what is happening in his life any more. The main reason for this decision is that I have reason to suspect they are having a baby and I want NOTHING to do with it. I just don’t want to see or hear about this baby they might have, together. It’s too much for me to stand. If they were to disappear off the face of the earth I would be thrilled.

At this point, I believe the only reason he keeps in touch with me is because he feels he has to; that he owes it to me. It had become an obligatory thing and thus pointless.

Another factor no doubt, is the fact that Husband and I have been doing better lately. I feel optimistic now and have for a few weeks. That helps. I know husband will have his “dark” days but more and more I do believe he loves me and I am sure he is committed to his family and making it a good and happy one. This sure makes it easier to not dwell on my lost love. The love that for a few years was so perfect.

I know that Husband and I will never have that kind of love, but I don’t think me and anyone will. I have accepted the fact that it was a once in a life time thing to be viewed upon as the exception not the rule. Usually, people don’t fall in love like me and Rocco did. Most people dream of it, but never live it. I am now in reality where relationships are hard work and never feel just perfect.

This morning Husband woke up a bit early and rolled over to cuddle with me. I was so happy for this. This is what I want. I want him to WANT to be close. TO think for himself that it would be nice to spoon with his wife.

The Happiest I Ever Remember Being

The ceilings were high and everything was painted a clean and agreeable white. The windows were very tall and narrow, reminiscent of clerestory windows; single hung sash windows crisscross with muntins. The west wall was covered in windows and then some more on the adjacent wall as well. The building was over 100 years old, an old school house that had been converted into apartments. The cost was low and the location good, but it lacked a dishwasher and closet space. Clothes were therefore hung from hooks over the tops of doors; the bedroom door, the closet door, and even the bathroom door.

In the darkness of the night, lights outside cast long shadows across the bedroom. The bed was awkwardly placed under the bank of window so that the small closet door would not be blocked. There was no room for much else in the tiny space.

As we lay awake in bed, all that could be heard was the constant hum of the furnace as it blew warm air out a small dingy vent above the closet. We gazed up at the stars through the big tall windows; the night sky so black, the stars so bright and plentiful. There was total peace and serenity.

We always laid in each other arms, me in front and him behind. He cupped my body with his and I felt completely safe, completely loved. We never had to utter a word…we just melted into one. We would look up at the stars through the old tall windows for the longest time before we drifted off to sleep. Those were magical times.

10 Won't Happen Again

<<--Me and Rocco in Hawaii

One day I would like to get to the point that I feel having Rocco, the ex boyfriend, on this blog seems silly and irrelevant. I am happy to report that lately, it feels less and less important. I know that having a more sound relationship with my husband goes a long way towards making me forget the past. Time has helped too. Every year that goes by, it seems less real and thus is easier to discount.

Sad that the most amazing relationship of my life is one I desperately want to forget. :-(

I know what you are thinking……..you are thinking "Why is she so hung up on this guy? Why after 10 years does she still pine for him?"

Well, I will tell you:
He was my best friend (even before we started dating).
We were extremely close emotionally for the first few years, closer than I have ever been to anyone before or since.
He was the best lover I have ever had.
He took care of me and NO ONE else ever has.
He is responsible, capable and a real asset to have around. He fixed things if they got broke; he did it in a timely, efficient and economical manner.
He is smart and makes good money, has a great career but knows enough to balance work and play.
We were compatible around the house, both of us tidy, adapting similar schedules, ate together most every night, shared chores equally. I never felt he pushed stuff off on me.
He loved to do the same things I do; travel, visit friends, bike, snowboard, etc. He taught me how to ski.
He put me up on a pedestal and I did the same to him. We often spoke about how we were so incredibly lucky to have found each other.

I told the therapist that I think it is easy to get over a past relationship once you get into a new relationship that you actually like better than the lost one. Basically if you think you are better off than you were, then you are not looking back longingly any more.

So my husband is not a bad catch. He is smart, attractive and NOT needy. All things I require. In fact, if I had never dated Rocco, I would not be near as critical of my current relationship. My husband is the second best relationship I have ever had. However, on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the best; Rocco was a 10 and my husband is a 5 and everyone else was below that! Come on, there are a lot of losers in the world and I seem to attract them. Guys without jobs, guys without common sense, drug addicts, drunks, I have seen it all. When you are about 40 years old and single the pickings are slim. I have been told I am very picky but, in my defense, I don’t expect anything in my significant other that I would not expect of myself. I hold myself to the same standards.

As much I wish I could have another 10, a phenomenal relationship that will outshine what Rocco and I had, I think the chances of that ever happening are probably infinitesimal. Most people never even find a 10 at all, so I am lucky to have had mine I suppose. I wish I could FEEL that way. Somehow it feels more like it spoiled me for everything else.

I have vowed to try and quit comparing them. To look at my husband as a great catch instead of the guy that just can’t compare to the 10.

I think it was the spring of 2001.

I‘ve been thinking that maybe the anger DID start when Rocco first said he wanted to move out. It was goofy at the time cause he made it out like it was no big deal; we were not breaking up he just wanted his own place. At the time I just got so mad. I guess I knew that the truth was off limits so I would never hear it. I guess he padded the truth because he was TRYING to be nice. You don’t want to leave the house you share with your lover if you are not wanting to break up or at least see how it would feel to be single. Anyhow……that’s not my point. My point is that I know I was mad then and I think that is when everything changed. That is when my life tipped from mostly normal to mostly angry.

And there she was looking SO happy!

Today, at work, I was bored so I decided to burn a few minutes looking at Runner's World online. I was just looking for something simple to read or look at.....something about running. On their home page down in the lower right hand corner there was a photo link so I picked it thinking it might be fun to see what was on there. The very first photo was someone named Jill. Now the Xboyfriend’s wife talks about her running buddy named Jill all the time so that was the first person I thought of when I saw the name Jill. I also assumed that there was NO way in hell that it could be the same Jill; I mean really, what are the odds. Then I read a little more to see she lives in Denver Colorado. Seriously? I guess it could be Jill. There was a link to her blog below her photo so of course I clicked in it. She had been a contributor to the RW magazine and that is why she was hooked up to their site. I clicked the blog and sure enough……..it IS the Xboyrfriend’s wife’s friend Jill!!! In fact, they had just done a half marathon in Idaho Springs so the top article was all about the race and it was littered with photos of Tara and her friends having a blast.

Seeing this made we want to cry. Ok, I did cry. I’ll tell you why it upset me…….because I want to live in a glamorous place like Denver and be near the mountains; because I want to have friends who are practically famous; because I want to have a more adventuresome life; because I want a husband that would support me if I wanted to train for a marathon. In short, I am jealous!

I still feel like she stole my life. I know it is wrong. I know it is stupid. I know I need to get over it. I know. I KNOW!! But it still hurts and I am still not happy enough with my life that I don’t give a shit about her life. I hope someday that will come. I really, REALLY do!

And to add insult to injury, I didn’t go looking for an article about the X or his wife……but I just had to accidently get one stuffed in my face. Thanks for nothing Fate.

Here is the link:
http://www.runwithjill.blogspot.com/

the article is Sunday Aug 15th.......Tara is the blonde.