Seems like something always goes wrong on Friday

I am typing this on Monday after having a few days to settle down. Friday I was in no shape to type. If I had started my rant, it would have included curse words and things like “OMG I hate my life”.

I have to tell you that I love Facebook because I have found lost friends, made new friends and kept up with old friends and all of these things are great; but Facebook has a downside as you all know, sometimes you learn things you really didn’t want to know.

I have a few mutual friends with Rocco’s wife and I really don’t like that at all. At this point I am trying to block them out of my life 100% and it can be hard when her name shows up in my friend’s FB comments. Usually it is no big deal and after a brief feeling of irritation I vow that it will have no effect on me and get on with my day.

So Friday afternoon I was goofing around on FB and I happened to glance at the update “scroll” in the upper right hand corner. Usually I don’t pay attention to it and many days when I am at work I rarely check face book. BUT, Friday, my timing was juuuust right (thanks a lot fate!)

I notice two things as I glanced. First, my friend Nichole says CONGRATULATIONS!! and simultaneously I see that it is on Rocco’s wife’s wall post that she is commenting. Before I even had a chance to read more, my stomach sank and my heart started pounding VERY hard. I then read “18 week ultrasound says we are having a boy, we are so happy. I don’t think I could take having another girl. LOL”

By now, I am starting to feel faint and thinking I may have to put my head between my knees. Tears are welling up and I am getting angry at myself for A) having seen it at all and B) for having an immediate and intense physical response.

My mind scrambled and I realized that I now know her approximate due date…..right around my birthday. Oh goody. I know they are having a boy. I hope he is hell on wheels; the kind of kid that breaks everything.

I texted Julia and she immediately texted back kind loving words because she gets it. The other two people I told snapped at me for being so ridiculous. Thanks “friends”.

All weekend I thought about it and although it didn’t ruin my weekend, it lingered in my head. Really, I am just jealous. I wanted to have his child. I wanted to be with him forever. It’s just another thing that they will share that we never did. It is just more cement in their relationship.

I also realize that if my marriage was happy and thriving; if I were married to a man that I thought was as good as, if not better for me, then Rocco, I wouldn’t even give a damn what they were doing in Denver. But truth of the matter is, I still miss him or at least what we had and it kills me to know that she has it now. That she stole my life.

He will be a great father and an outstanding provider. He will never expect her to “pay her way in life”. He has probably already let her quit working so she can rest and take care of herself while pregnant. He will no doubt pay to send her older daughter (from her previous marriage) to college since now his wife won’t be earning the money to do it. She once told me she had to pay for her older daughter’s college education so she could never be a stay at home mom. I honestly don’t know if she will stay at home, but the odds are she will and I say this because that is what would make me feel the worst. That she would get that luxury that I never had.

Yes I am bitter and mean and “un-Christian” in my thinking here. I know I am only hurting myself. I know it is a waste of time and energy. I know it is ridiculous. BUT…. I just can’t seem to help it.

After work on Friday, I took Beanie to a birthday party for her friend Ava. We had the best time. As we left I climbed in the car and sensing I would be alone and break down, I tried to call Uwe. When he didn’t answer, I completely lost it. I cried so hard all the way home and Beanie was confused. I just finally had to let the feelings out.

Once home, husband knew I wasn’t right. I didn’t tell him why. He was nice to me. He tried to comfort me. I should be happy he wanted to hug me and asked what was wrong. But honestly, I didn’t tell him because he would not get it and he might have been hurt. I also, didn’t want to deal with the fact that he is just not good at making me feel loved and cared for. So, if I just didn’t get him involved, I would not be as disappointed in his reaction.

Sometimes I just feel like my life is a joke. Like I am walking around pretending to be fine and happy, that I am just making all this work but I hate it. I feel like my life is a huge lie and that none of it is authentic or fulfilling.

My soul is just lost.

The Bean Rides Her Big Girl Bike

So proud of my baby for being brave and climbing on the BIG girl bike.
She rode all over the parking lot and had lots of fun.

Dentist

I took Ramone to the dentist at 12 noon. They took her back at 12:30. I sat in the waiting room or napped in my car all afternoon. At 4:15 they said it would be 5 more minutes. At 4:45 she finally emerged.

She was angry and hungry and felt sick. I don't blame her a bit.

They got the root canal done and the filling and started on the crowns. They also did her annual x-rays and check up / cleaning. So they accomplished a lot.

I made her appointment for next Monday after school to get the final part of the temporary crowns done. Then I think one more visit for the final crowns and she will be done.

But what an exhausting day!!

Progress

Today husband is basically on spring break so he did not have to report to the office. (He works for a university.) This morning he offered to drop our daughter off at school. I usually take her on Monday, but since he has no set schedule today and I was running a bit late he offered; which is totally cool of him. Especially since he knew I wanted him to pick her up also.

Yesterday he passed his test to get his motorcycle license so I knew he was hot to get his license (physical card). This morning he did not tell me that is what he was going to do, in fact he even said he was tired of motorcycles having been on the practice bike all weekend, but I still knew that was probably where he would end up.

Mid morning he phoned me at work and asked if he could stop by and see me. I knew he wanted the personal property tax receipt to take the license bureau. I told him it was here and I would be happy to see his smiling face.

An hour later he emailed me and said he got called into work but he did get the motorcycle inspected and he actually drove HIS motorcycle “out in the world”.

Later he stopped by and got the paperwork. He walked in and presented me with a dandelion that he had plucked from out front. We chatted a bit and he acted happy to see me. He told me his boss was working on a presentation and just needed a few slides. Told me he would take our daughter to the gym after work so I could go ride my bicycle. He was friendly and relaxed and looked at my photos on my computer even though he had already seen them on my family blog.

SOOOO…..why is this all a big deal. Well, let me tell you how it would have gone down say last year during spring break.

He would have gotten up and raced off in the morning. He would have made it appear that he was headed to the gym on the way to work which is his normal Monday morning drill. He would have made me think he HAD to be at the office all day. He would have insisted that he does not get off for spring break and made it a point that I think he is stuck at work.

He would have snuck around all day with no contact with me and gotten his plates / license and crap without a word to me.

He would never have stopped by my work, or if he did, he would walk in quickly and act rushed and nervous and then get back out fast. He would not be friendly to me at all.

He would have been cranky at me for wanting to ride my bike after work and expecting him to pick our daughter up from school.

When I arrived home in the evening, he would not have told me that he had indeed gotten his plates / license. I would probably notice that the plates were on the bike and have asked about it….then he would have given me some lame comment or just ignored my questions all together.

So, Yippee for how my day has gone!!

March 25

I had a really good weekend. Husband was in a motorcycle class all day both days and I just kind of went and did whatever the heck I wanted. Sunday I had Ramone keep Beanie for a few hours so I could go for a run. (6.6 miles at 8:20 avg. pace)

Sunday night Husband came home and we all went for a walk. I was smart enough to grab my camera and snap about 100 photos. When you take that many you are bound to end up with a few good ones!

I really need to keep my camera with me all the time and use it more often. For example, yesterday Bean and I stopped to watch Husband ride a motorcycle around cones in a parking lot. It sure would have been fun to have snapped a few pictures especially with the telephoto lens. But, of course I didn’t think of it until later.

I took Monster clothes shopping on Saturday; spent almost $200 on him. He has been eating better and losing weight for months now so he needed a smaller size. I am proud of him. I am not sure how much he has lost (est. 50 lbs) because he is not weighing himself; but he sure looks good without that second chin. (Not to mention the health benefits.)

Lately I don’t feel as bothered by my husband’s behavior and lack of intimacy. I don’t think it is any one thing, but a combination of things.

1. Accepting him for the way he is. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and talking to friends and I am starting to realize that some men are just like my husband and these men are not trying to be jerks….so maybe husband really can’t help himself. Funny, I just never dealt with a man like this before so it is hard for me to believe that this is the best he can do.

2. Lower expectations. If you don’t expect much you won’t be disappointed. And, at this point I pretty much know what to expect out of him.

3. Distractions. I try to have fun and keep busy so I don’t have time to fuss over my marriage. I have been making a big effort to get out and hang with friends and have activities most every night of the week. I won’t sit home and be lonely.

4. Demanding things be more fair. One huge thing that I have changed lately is rather than being nice and giving and “setting a good example” for my husband, I have just set about demanding that things be more fare. I basically chucked The Golden Rule in the trash. For example I make him pick up our daughter more often. I tell him my plans and expect him to work around them. I only do household chores if I feel like it. Basically, I act more selfish (like him) and then I don’t feel like he is using me or taking advantage of my good nature.

5. He has been nicer. Ever since our last big fight, I can tell he is making an effort to listen to me if I talk to him (still think it shouldn’t be such a big deal to chat with your wife) and to pitch in if he walks in when I am emptying the dishwasher. Evidently some men won’t listen to their wives comments and concerns until she is about to walk out the door and then the light goes on and they think “wow, maybe I should do some of these things she is asking for!”

6. He seems to be less moody. Lately he seems more positive and less sulky and depressive. Not sure why that is but I am really happy about it. I find it almost impossible to be in a good mood and feel happy when he is projecting a negative mood around the house.

Long story short, I think I am adjusting and making the best of it. Maybe this fact has made him feel less judged and that has helped him to be more positive. I still think it is ridiculous to be married to someone and have such separate lives, but really, it is not up to me now is it.

FRONT Teeth

Tuesday morning I spent two hours at the dentist with Ramone. When she heard there would probably be a root canal involved she looked scared and for a moment, I felt like the protective mom that wants to save her baby from anything scary.

Now, let’s all remember that Ramone is a sassy 16 year old and we are not on the best of terms more often than not these days. Teenagers suck! So, it was actually a nice feeling to want to take care of my “baby”.

I hope she gets how much of a big deal this is and how lucky she is that we do take care of her and can afford to fix her mistakes.

So, why the teeth drama?

Well, Saturday night she called me and said “Ma, I chipped my front teeth.” At first I wasn’t even sure what she meant. Like what is chipping? Some technical computer term? Some new fad I am not aware of? Was she talking corn chips?

Then, after I said “what?” like 3 times it actually registered; she fell down and busted off her front teeth!

She told me it was a skateboarding accident and her father told me that her teeth were not loose and that he thought they would not die. He assured me she was not in too bad of condition.

So Saturday night I fell asleep after a few glasses of wine and had not dwelled on her teeth situation much. BUT, at 2 am I woke up freaking out.

I spent $150 a month for three years on braces so that girl would have a nice smile. I have always done my best to be sure they take care of their teeth and see a dentist twice a year. OMG what has she done!?!??!!?

Monday I called around until I found a dentist that would get her in right away. And next Tuesday, while she is on spring break, I am taking her back to the dentist for one crown, one crown with root canal for her front tooth that is half gone and a filling to fix the little corner that was chipped on her other front tooth. My cost, after insurance, is going to be $1400. :(

No her dad won’t pay a thing. You can’t get blood from a turnip.

I did ask her brother if she really did it skateboarding and he told me he was there and that is actually what happened.

Later she told me she was speeding down a big hill, lost control and flew off the board landing right on her mouth. Next thing she knew, her boyfriend was trying to wake her. She passed out briefly! Next thing she remembers is finding something in her mouth. When she spit it out she realized it was itty bitty pieces of her shattered teeth. That would be so horrible. She is lucky worst things did not happen.

It's Hard To Say Good-bye

I have loved you like no other, Purple Shoes, and we have had many good times together, but sadly, now it is time to retire you. You have become a bit of a pain.

Oh I remember how beautiful you were back in August when you first delighted my eyes. But now you are worn, muddy and broke down after 736 miles of running. No longer do my feet rejoice in you.

For spring I am welcoming the new Silver Shoes. May they be like rockets on my feet!



RUN HAPPY!! :)

People Don't Change

I really do love my husband, but I am tired of not feeling loved back. Today, my overwhelming feeling is PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE.

I am probably wasting my time trying to mold him into a decent husband. I mean at times he seems better and at times I think we are making progress, but deep down inside I know that he is not really interested in being the person I would like for him to be (husband I want). We have different needs and different goals for our marriage.

I need a friend and a companion in life and he will never be that person.

This makes me extremely sad because I really don’t want to chuck this marriage and start over from scratch.

That’s not entirely true. I would love to chuck this marriage if I could be guaranteed that I would meet a suitable partner to spend the rest of my life with and not be lonely forever.

However, I am fairly confident that at my age, with a small child included in the package, no hard working, intelligent, decent single man would want to step into my life and be my life partner. (Not to mention that they are all already married.)

So, once again I make the mental loop and figure I should just keep plugging it out here in my loveless marriage.

I just don’t think I would be happier single. So I am just choosing my level of unhappy. I think I will be less unhappy married then I would be single.

Aint life fun!?!?!

Friss Today

So Friss has been behind bars for a little over 10 years now. In May, he will turn 30. How scary to think that every single day of his life in his twenties he was incarcerated. He will probably be behind bars for at least another 6 years.

When they first sentenced him, I thought it was the end of his life. I had visions of gangs in prison and him learning to be tough or be victimized. I had concerns that he would develop no social skills and would become a “hardened” criminal by the time he was released.

I am happy to report that he is doing well actually. He lives in the honor wing where only the best behaved prisoners are housed. Alli thinks he lives in an “institution”. He loves when she comes to visit him.

Friss has a job doing computer programming. He had to earn it too. He had to wait on a list and do kitchen duty for years. And he is really really good at it. He is bright and capable and wins his team awards. He has been told by outside consultants that he should look them up when he gets out because they would hire him in an instant.

For fun he reads books, plays chess and volleyball. Of course he watches TV and movies too. You know, they are not allowed to watch R rated movies! Ha

He is a practicing Buddhist and admittedly has found much more inner peace than I seem to be able to muster.

I am so proud of how he has handled his life behind bars and how he has matured into an amazing young man. I look forward to the day I can pick him up and bring him home and put this whole chapter of his life behind us. I honestly believe he will be fine.

I can’t wait to have him finally be able to join his family for dinner at home!!

Guilt

After Friss went to jail you know what I could not get out of my head?
The nagging idea that I was the adult and I should have been paying closer attention.
That I should have done something to prevent this.
That I only lived a few miles away but I was not there to avert this disaster.
I felt it was my fault.
And for years it just tore me up.

I would dwell on it too much and hate myself. I would think about how my grandson must have felt and just come apart inside. The raw pain I would feel was overwhelming.

Once I went to visit my niece and see her new baby. She handed me the boy and I just lost it. I broke down and started crying with BIG heavy sobs. Everyone just froze. For years I could hardly look at a baby or I would breakdown.

I remember one time I was out jogging on a local trail and I heard an ambulance. Suddenly I was overcome by this combination of panic, guilt and pain. It was all so real and raw just like it was happening right then. (PTSD?) I had to stop and take a deep breath. I felt so overwhelmed and I just told myself to push it out of mind and I did. I had to. It was the only way to breath. I remember that day because it was the first time I really felt I was gaining control and pulled myself back together fairly well.

The only shred of self respect I could muster was the fact that I had tried to prevent the whole thing by insisting they use birth control. At lease I did something. They weren’t ready to be parents. They couldn’t take care of themselves, much less other people. I tried to stop it. I tried to do the right thing. No one else did.

Many years later, I went to visit Friss and I was crying and telling how much pain and guilt I was still having. He looked in my eyes and smiled and he said “Mom, you have to forgive yourself….It’s the only way you will ever start to heal.” The boy was right. He is smart and sensitive and I love him so very much.

Up until now, I could not write this story up. The fact that I have now done so is a good sign. Now, I can honestly say, I am adjusted, mostly healed. I still started crying like 4 times typing this page, but I don’t cry that often anymore. I don’t think about it anymore. I just can’t.

Justice?

Christmas is a stressful time of the year.

Supporting a family with a part time factory job and burger joint job is also hard.

A girlfriend that can’t understand why you can’t provide her with a middle class lifestyle even though she encouraged you to drop out of high school is also stressful.

Small children are VERY stressful.

There was a fight and she left. The older boy was at his fathers. The toddler was crying and emotions were high.

He never shook the baby…..he told me that……many times.

I don’t know exactly what happened…….I don’t want to. The details are not important.

The young man, the teenager, was upset and the baby was not treated properly. It was wrong. It was fatal, it is unforgivable, but, it is understandable.

My son is not a killer. He did not want to kill anyone.

He loved that boy more than anything in the whole world and he will forever pay for the crime in his heart no matter how many years he spends behind bars.

The prosecuting attorney made it out like my boy was a monster. He’s not. He’s human. He’s a regular kid. It could happen to anyone. I was a split second of bad decision making. The prosecuting attorney is a monster if you ask me for the way he treated us.

Later, they sentenced him to the maximum time in prison. The girlfriend was there leering at him (and me) the whole time. She couldn’t wait to talk to the media, to get the attention, to cry about what a victim she was. She milked it cause, remember, she was always looking for attention.

About the same time I read in the paper where this hockey dad had picked a fight with another hockey dad at a little league game. The blows one man dealt the other were fatal. The man was sentenced to 5 years in prison. Now, you tell me why a man who can beat another full grown man to death in public is less of a criminal or threat to the public then my son who in a moment of grief and stress fatally wounded his son. I can guarantee you it is not something that my son would ever do again. I wonder if hockey dad has ever picked a fight before…or since?

I agree he should have been convicted and sentenced....I just don't agree with the details.

My First Born

When Friss was a baby he was very colicky. Being my first, it was a big deal and I struggled with how to handle it. I felt terrible just putting him in his bed to cry, but nothing seemed to sooth him. I remember reading a quote that was something like “no baby ever cried to death” which actually made me feel much better.

As he aged, he was active, bright, capable and stubborn. When he was only two years old I took him to the playground and he climbed to the very top of some jungle gym and a nice mother said “hey lady, your baby is at the top!!!” I know she thought I would be upset or worried but I replied “that’s OK, he is an excellent climber.” I knew he would not fall, he never did.

By the time he was 4 I had only one concern. He would not sit still and watch TV. He never did. I thought this was odd. I even mentioned it to his pediatrician. She said he was just an active boy and it was no big deal. But, it was the first time I remember feeling that there was something different about him.

His first Kindergarten parent teacher conference really caught me off guard. I knew my son was sharp and walked in there with no expectations that anything would be wrong. Instead, the teacher told me had to sit in the far corner because he was a disruptor and that he broke all his crayons into small pieces. I was seriously shocked. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do because he was fine at home.

A few years later I had a teacher call me and ask me if Friss had rules at home. I thought it was a rude question actually and I assured her that he did indeed have rules at home and he was not a problem for me. I ran a strict house and kept a close watch on the boy. I would later realize that I had him figured out and I knew when he needed someone to step in and help or direct. His teachers were not nearly as adept and admittedly had a whole room of kids so were spread thin thus he was often left to control himself which was not his strong suit.

In the 3rd or 4th grade (can’t remember which) his wonderful teacher phoned me to tell me she suspected he had ADD and that she wanted to get him tested. We did have him tested and what do you know, he did have ADD. I set about educating myself on this new to me “disability” and devoured books and articles like they were my last meal. He was a textbook case. It all made more sense. Even the parts where you figure out that you too have the same thing. Yes, I have ADD also. But when I was a kid there was no label or diagnosis for such a thing. I just made due.

About this same time I decided to put the boy in swim lessons. I signed him up at the local YMCA. I took him to the first class and they asked me what level he was. I said “I don’t know? He has never had a lesson.” She said he would have to start at the lowest level, Pollywog, and work his way up. This seemed silly to me because he could swim. He swam well. In fact, I was hoping he would get some stroke help. Well the lady assured me that if he was good in a level, they would advance him to the next level right away. Not sure, but I want to say a normal session is about 6 or 8 weeks long. During this session, the boy was advanced from Pollywog to Minnow to Fish and on to Flying Fish and finally to a Shark. He completed ALL the levels in one session. The kid was gifted like that. I was used to it so I didn’t even realize how incredible it was! (My other kids took years to get through all the levels.)

Soon after his ADD diagnosis I put him in the Catholic school system. He thrived there. They had what he needed; strict rules, high expectations and swift punishments. Not wishy-washy public school crap. I was happy to see him doing better at school. We still had small issues, like forgetting to bring a book home, but we were working on them. Also, the boy started taking Ritalin which, by the way, was a miracle drug for him.

All the boys that went to St. Blaise joined the soccer team and the baseball team. Friss was always a good player, but not so great at being part of a team. He always struggle to make and keep friends which is very typical of an ADD kid since they speak before they think way too often. But, one day when the normal pitcher was not available the coach asked if anyone wanted to pitch. Friss said he did and stepped up to the mound and started throwing darn good pitches. From that day on, he was the relief pitcher. He never practiced and he was good. I used to tell him “just think how great you would be if you would practice!” But he never wanted to.

When he was in high school (back in public school) he started teaching himself about computers in his spare time. He taught himself programming languages and I assumed that someday he would be a great computer tech guy and make good money.

He still struggled in relationships though and once even got suspended for telling a teacher that “she might be less angry if she was not so fat.” Another time he got in huge trouble for throwing a penny down the hallway. And, my favorite was when he got suspended for putting his hat on in the building on the last day of school 3 feet from walking out the door.

He also got his IQ tested, one point shy of genius. He blamed the noise in the hallway for distracting him.

(The photo above is Friss and I circa 1985...dig the hair!)

TOO NICE

Sorry to drop a husband post into the middle of my Friss story, but this one had to be written. Thanks Toughwords for getting me thinking for this post.

I’ve been thinking about how during the first few years my husband and I were together, I was way too nice to him. I bent over backwards for him and set myself up for the struggles we are now having. He got used to having things his way all the time and now it is hard for him to give that up. In my defense, there were a couple of logical reasons why I did this.

First, I made excuses for him, for his bad behavior because I wanted my child to have a good daddy.

When we found out I was pregnant, our relationship was the pits. We were sort of broke up (I say sort of because obviously we had sex!) We weren’t getting along. He kept telling me he didn’t want to have the baby. I decided I would not terminate the pregnancy and he was mad. He tried to bully me into it. He acted like a total ass and under normal circumstances, I never would have put up with such treatment. BUT, I was pregnant with his child and I felt he deserved the right to try and be a good father. I was not going to make the decision for him. So I stuck with him even when he was being a total jerk. I made excuses for his shitty behavior with thoughts like “well this is a very stressful situation”……..and…….“I know he is not being his normal self”. I remember thinking “this is a totally new situation for him he has no idea how to behave”. I assumed once the storm had passed so would his jerky attitude.

Mostly I just wanted our daughter to have a real family, a loving family and a great daddy. I wanted to give that a chance so I really was too forgiving.

Also, I knew he had another women waiting for him and I didn’t want to give him a reason to ditch me for her. I didn’t want her to win.

And this all goes back to Rocco. You see, I was not nice to him when our relationship was having some stress. I was very demanding……. I wanted him to be committed or else. He was waffling and it just made me mad as hell. I told him to shit or get off the pot. I was scared and that is how I dealt with it. But in hind sight, I now realize that this made it so much easier for him to detach from me and be attracted to his pretty (no doubt, kind and understanding) co worker. I have since decided that if I had been more patient and kind to Rocco, we would still be together.

So Husband had been seeing another girl while he was dating me. That’s right he was cheating on me with her and her with me even after he knew I was pregnant. (Yes - I should have just been done with him). Now this other women, her name is Rachel, was more than happy to take him if I didn’t want him and I was certainly not willing to just “let her win”. (Long…really long story)

So, in retrospect, I let him get away with a ton of stuff when I was pregnant and when our daughter was a baby because I was worried that if I put my foot down, if I was too demanding or the house was too stressful, he would just go off with Rachel, the fantasy woman who was waiting patiently in the wings.

Basically I tried to be so nice that he would never get mad at me and have a reason to leave me. (Hey, I didn’t say it my most shining moment.) I took way more than my fair share of the responsibility for our daughter. I let him totally take advantage of me.

So after a few years of being so dang nice (pushover) we get married and the other women finally moves on and I start to feel more confident that he is actually sticking around so I start asking for things to be more fair. I start expecting him to treat me with love and respect. I now want a husband that is good to his wife.

It really is no wonder that he is struggling and that this is all confusing to him.

A Baby

<----Friss when he was 1 year old.

They broke up shortly after that phone call to her father about birth control. I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. Dodged a bullet with that one.

About 9 or 10 months later (long enough I had forgotten all about her) we found out that Tracy was going to have a baby. Friss had not seen or spoke to her since she lived in a different town but of course he suspected it might be his so he tracked her down. She told him it was indeed his child. He then did anything he could to make right with her and be a part of the child’s life.

Me, being the old jaded person that I am, told him to slow down a bit. The math was such that he might not be the father and he should not get too carried away.

He was there when the boy was born and Tracy’s father cornered him and made him vow to be a good Christian if he wanted anything to do with the child. Seriously her family did not say anything that didn’t involve being “Good Christians”.

Friss set about getting an apartment, 2 jobs and supporting Tracy, her older son, and the baby.

When the baby was just a few weeks old I had it DNA tested. I just did not want my boy to get his heart broken if the child was really not his. It did turn out that Preston was his baby and in no time the little guy sprouted fuzzy blond hair and was the spitting image of his father as an infant.

Birth Control

You do the math!! Yup, I had Friss when I was in high school. Do I think it’s a good idea? Hell NO!!

So, from the time my son first kissed a girl he got lectured on birth control. I preached, I pushed, I purchased. I did anything and everything I could to prevent my family from having another teenage pregnancy.

And the boy did well. He understood and respected the whole concept. His first “real” girlfriend, Audra, got on the pill and we never had a problem. I always made sure my son had condoms, just in case.

Then, he started dating this older girl. She was divorced and had a young son. She was already graduated from high school and for some reason decided that she wanted my son to be her next husband and set about making him into that role.

She had her own apartment that her parents had secured for her. It was government subsidized since she did not have a real job and was living off some child support and government aid.

She didn’t live in town, it was out in the country and at some point my son decided to move in with her and drop out of high school. Teenagers are stupid that way. At the time, I saw no choice but to let him learn the hard way. (Just so you know, he later did get his GED on the first try, never studied, just smart.)

At some point I asked the boy if he was being careful not to get her pregnant and he told me that she refused to use birth control. WHAT!!!! Mama is freaking out!!!

I told him to refuse to have sex then. Ha ha right..like a teenage boy can say no. So I asked him why she was being that way. I offered to buy her the pill if she hated condoms. I offered to pay, if it was the money. I offered to drive her, if it was lack of transportation. I quizzed him why she would be so irresponsible knowing she could not support the child she already had. He agreed with me and said she couldn’t afford a couch much less another kid. He said he was feeling really stuck in the middle.

BUT, he told me that she liked the attention of being pregnant and having a small baby and wanted another baby. I told him that was ridiculous and set about doing something about it.

I dug around until I figured out a way to contact her parents. I was pretty sure they didn’t want their 23 year old daughter to have another child so maybe if I could enlist their help we could get some sense in the girl.

I remember clearly getting a hold of her father on the phone one day and explaining to him everything I knew. You know what he said?!?! He told me that he had just moved her out and was not in the mood to deal with her. He told me she was immature emotionally and maybe a bit developmentally stunted, she thinks like a 13 year old. He told me they were good Christians and that she would not have sex outside of marriage. This after she already had a child and I was pretty sure she was pregnant before that wedding. The man just wanted to ignore it!!!

The Car

At some point I realized I needed to find his car. For a while I assumed the police had it or something like that. Then I realized that if they did they would tell me. In a flash it came to me where the car might be.

I drove to my son’s apartment and began to retrace his steps. I thought about where the closest hospital was and then drove there. I found the big red sign that says EMERGENCY and turned the corner into the parking lot. And there, right by the emergency entrance doors, was his car. My heart skipped. It had been sitting there for weeks, right where he had left it. Why did it take me so long to figure that out? See, I was just out of it. I am sure I cried when I found it. I cried a lot back then. To this day, it is still hard for me to drive by that corner.

The car was locked and I would have to get someone to help me bring it home. I looked in the window and there was a child’s pillow in the back seat. Again, my mind collapsed as I could imagine him driving to the hospital with his baby boy in the back seat…..knowing it was not good but clinging to the hope that he would live; that he could be saved. I could only imagine how scared he was as he walked the little body through those big glass doors. The last free steps he would take.

I did retrieve the car and clean it up and sell it to a fellow I worked with. He drove the car for years (Honda Accord) and would tell me over and over how it was the best car he ever owned. A few years back I ran into him at the grocery store and he told me that he finally sold the car to a woman and that the women still rants about what a great car it is. I guess I am happy that his car went on to make other people happy. Is that weird?

It was 2001 When I Got The Call

It was 2001…..I remember because it was the same year as 9-11. About a week before Christmas at 5 am, I got a phone call from my ex-husband. Because he works for Child Services he had received a courtesy call from the police. He broke the news to me that my son was in jail and that my 11 month old grandson, Preston, had died.

The feeling that hits you is impossible to describe. It is pain, disbelief, panic, regret, shock, horror, and much much more all rolled into one. You react physically. Your body just moves. Your brain hurts. You try to think of a way out but you are trapped there in a reality that is pure horror.

I remember I was in my bedroom. Rocco had just left and I phoned him on his cell phone and he came right back. I cried, I ached, and he held me. My mother mind strained to find a way that I could fix it and make it OK for my child. It is what we do; we try to fix things for our kids. We don’t want them in pain or trouble. We want them to have long, good, happy lives. Then I had to face the idea that I can’t bring someone back to life and there is no undoing this EVER!!

I made a few phone calls….I don’t remember who they were. I think I may have called my boss. I know I called Tracy, my grandson’s mother and she confirmed. I know I was hoping it was a misunderstanding…..that it wasn’t true. But it was true. I apologized as hard and as deep as I could yet I knew that there was no way it could ever be enough. I don’t remember what else we said.

I didn’t know any details at this point about what had happened or how it had happened. I sat on the floor in the bedroom for a while and realized I could do nothing at this point. Nothing. So I got dressed and went to work. I figured that if I was at work I would have something to do to keep my mind occupied so I wouldn’t go completely nuts thinking in my own head.

In all honesty, I don’t remember a lot of what happened in the next few weeks and months. I look back now and realize I was way more traumatized than I wanted to believe; then I wanted other to know. I wanted to be strong and capable and not be taken down. But truly, it was just another step in a huge fall that I am still climbing out of to this day. And, although it is hard for people to understand, you never look at the world the same again. You never look at your kids the same again. It changes everything.

At work, a co-worker and friend (fellow cyclist) came and sat in my office. He said “I can’t believe you’re here!” I looked at him wondering why he would say such a thing. I asked him why and he told me that it was on the news, that everyone knew. I hadn’t even considered the possibility. How stupid am I? No matter, what was I supposed to do….what difference did it make? It was all way out of my control. I would just have to ride this one out. Like a bad acid trip.

Christmas was a blur. The baby’s mother moved out of their apartment, back home I assume. Her family was mad at me and she had never liked me in the first place. Mainly because I didn’t like it that she got pregnant on purpose (this story is another post). I gave her space, out of respect. After she was gone I negotiated with the landlord and cleaned out the apartment. I went about taking care of business.

My son’s attorney told me to go ahead and give his clothes to the Salvation Army. That was hard. I gave away some of his furniture and threw a lot of stuff away. Finding Preston’s socks and little diapers in their home as I was cleaning brought me to tears. It was all so cruel; the reality of it.

I carefully packed my entire son’s life into boxes for him hoping that someday he would get out and need it. I put his photos into an album. I made copies of the photos of Preston for me, Friss and even Tracy. I packed his keep sakes, his collections, his trophies and Boy Scout awards; his Christmas ornaments and his favorite books. (I have since told my husband that if I die to keep those green bins under the basement steps for Friss when he gets out.)

I attended the funeral. Her family sneered at me as though I was the bad guy. No people, I am a victim too but you are all too backwoods fucking stupid to get that. He was my grandson and I had a right to be there. The little, itty bitty casket just tore me up. Something no one should ever have to see.

After some time I realized that I didn’t know where his car was. Tomorrow I will tell you how I found it.

Now I Will Sound Like an Infomercial

I just wanted to share.........I have been doing laser hair removal this winter and I love it. First I did my arm pits and then my legs. Today I am going in for the bikini area. It hurts when they “zap” the area but man it is cool to never have to shave. Sure, there are a few places that need touch up, but for the most part I use shaving cream and razors about once a month instead of once every other day like I used to!!!

Seriously I think it is totally worth the money and I have had ZERO problems.

Thought For The Day

My husband is the kind of guy that can go a bit overboard when something interests him. He has been known to be an “over achiever”.

For example, a few years back he and a buddy decide to do a boat race from Kansas City to St. Louis Missouri. They borrowed a boat, trained and placed second in the race losing by only a few minutes. By the following year, they had purchased an ultra light race boat, trained all winter, had new gear and navigation tools, and were primed to win it all. I had a rowing machine in my living room for months!!

More recently, thanks to back problems, he purchased this motorcycle. Of course he also bought all the gear, is taking a special riding class and has been reading books constantly. He eats, drinks and sleeps motorcycle these days.

So my though for the day is…………

I wish he would put as much effort into have a kick ass marriage!!

(notice Bean snuck into all the photos!)

NICE

Last night Husband took Beanie to her ballet class!!
(first time ever)

I can tell he has been making an effort to be nice to me, to make me happy. I appreciate the fact that he is trying and it does seem that he is trying for the right reasons. Not so I will get off his back, but so I won’t be so unhappy, so I will be more satisfied with our marriage.

I need to give him positive feedback so he will keep up the good work…….which can be difficult after years of him being an ass on a regular basis. And the fact that all these little nice things he is doing, like talking to me more, telling me he loves me more often, helping more around the house, still don’t quite makeup for slips like last Friday night when we were discussing retirement (sorry I don’t know how to link it) or the fact that he is not physically affectionate with me.

But, I will take NICE….it’s certainly a step in the right direction!!

So What am I Supposed to do with THIS!

So last night, we were sitting at the table eating dinner. Well, Beanie was eating dinner, Husband and I were having a beer. (He brought home a six pack and offered to share….unusually, nice of him.)

Since we had been discussing taxes and my bank, Bank of America, had pissed me off, we were discussing investments and IRA’s and that kind of stuff. I am trying to dump some of my money from my savings account into something smarter.

Husband says to me “I am socking all my money into a Roth account. As much as I can. I assume I will be in a higher tax bracket when I retire so I think a Roth is better than a typical IRA for me at this point.”

I respond “Oh, so you think I should be putting money in a Roth instead of a traditional IRA?”

Husband says in a skeptical tone “well, I don’t know? ……That depends……Do you think you will be in higher tax bracket when you retire?”

Seriously he had no idea how what he said was wrong on so many levels as he gazed at me like he knew nothing about my future or how my life might be in retirement.

I looked him in the eyes and with my post pissed off gaze I could muster I said “Did you just actually say that you think I will be in a different tax bracket then you when I retire?”

He suddenly realized he had fucked up and his face went scared. I took one moment of joy in the ability to make him feel fear. He then uttered as fast as he could (like he could undo the harm) “I didn’t mean it like that…..i didn’t mean it like that!”

TOO LATE ASS HOLE!!

So not only does my husband not share with me his idea on retirement planning (since it is our money right?) as he comes up with them but when I actually ask him about them he acts like it has nothing to do with him. Thanks for planning a future with me shit head. Thanks a lot.

Husband is Helpfull!

Today my husband picked our daughter up from school for the third day in row. This has NEVER happened before! And it made me feel much better about his willingness to help out and to take his share of the responsibility with our daughter.

Normally I would not have asked. Normally, the fear that he would be angry and then get even by being passively aggressively mean to me would be too strong.

But today I had a chance to sneak over to Old Navy and return an item that Beanie had picked out and I later regretted buying. Obviously I didn’t want her along. I knew traffic would make it hard for me to get back to her school in time to pick her up so at 4 pm (as soon as I found out I could leave early) I sent her father an email and asked him to do it. He never responded so I phoned him in the car before I got too far down the road. He said he would pick her up and seemed a bit cranky which I ignored.

As I strolled out of Old Navy, mission accomplished, I then decided to also swing by Target while I was “free”. I thought how nice it was to feel that if I needed him to help out he would. I am not planning on asking him to pick her up 3 days in a row all the time, but when something comes up I would like to feel I have the option to call him rather than always figuring how to make it work on my own without bothering him.

Basically, I felt we were acting more like a team and that made me feel really good. Historically, he picks her up one, maybe two, days a week and that is it. I look after her most every night after work. But one of my new goals is to get the burden of the house and child more equally distributed. I am tired of feeling that he takes advantage of me and makes me do 95% of the work.

Tell Your Tax Accountant

I was in a good mood. Husband has been good. I was feeling productive and even getting some really old stuff done from my ever growing “to do” list, which means I must be feeling well adjusted. But that’s over now. Now I am angry, frustrated and getting depressed.

I asked my husband about setting up a MOST account (Missouri Tuition Savings deal) for our daughter. He informs that he already has one for her. I did not know that!! I did not take that into account when doing our taxes last year and would not have put it on our taxes this year either if I had not tripped over the information. (Side note: he has made our taxes a nightmare for me and I am already thoroughly hacked about it.)

And I know I get angrier than is reasonable considering the magnitude of this one crime because I can’t help but load in all the built up anger I have accumulated over the years from him not telling me shit he should tell me.

Yes I shouldn’t let him get to me and then I would be fine but hell, he is my husband, he should tell me this kind of shit. Especially since I do his freakin’ taxes....our taxes....joint return!

The happy well adjusted me is just knocked down way too easy. I have tried my darndest to not let him upset me but I am not good at it. Besides, when I am really good at not letting him get to me it is because I am separating from him emotionally and physically which is not good for our marriage. I know that it will lead me down the path to divorce because honestly if I really don’t give a shit about what he does then I really don’t give a shit about him so then why be married? Right?

So sick of feeling that we live on different fucking planets!

Blog Talk & Husband Update

So this morning when I was running I was thinking…a lot…like I always do (of course). I was thinking how the more blogs I read the less alone in the world I feel. (I’m sure everyone reading this is now going “duh”.) The less I feel like the odd duck with the problems that no one else understands. I may not have the problems of my friends, my coworkers or my neighbors, but there ARE lots of people out there in the world that DO have similar issues to me and that just makes me feel better. Not to sound like I am happy that others have issues….that’s not what I mean. When I read a post and think WOW I could have written that exact same post it makes me realize that life didn’t single me out and pick on me; NO, life picks on lot of people, some are just in Texas, Iowa or Australia. And at the end of the day I feel a little less bitter for what happens to me and little more like this is just how life goes and I am not the only one struggling through it.

I have to confess, I am terrible at commenting on blogs though….just lame. Often, I read a post and get too many ideas of what I would like to put in a comment. I vow to come back to it and organize my thoughts but eventually never get back to it. Sometimes I get so busy at work I barely have time to read much less add a thoughtful comment. Other times I am just logged in wrong to post so I skip it. I know there are bloggers out there that might really appreciate more comments and I really should try harder.

By contrast, I read a few blogs that are really popular and after I read a post sometimes I just want to say something so badly and then I look down and realize there are already 30 comments and I think, heck, no point, I will be buried in the stack. It’s not that I’m hurt; I just don’t see the point. Will anyone even get to reading it? So again….I don’t post but often have stuff I really really would love to say but I just don’t.

~~

In other news, Husband was really good on Tuesday night. He helped me put laundry away and unload the dishwasher. He hung around near me and interacted. I felt pretty “right” with everything. The nice streak has continued on in to today so let’s see how long he can keep it up. Heck yesterday morning we were laying in bed after I satisfied his “needs” and he let me just yack-yack-yack for a while. He didn’t even act all irritated that I was talking about something that he had no interest in. He usually would just gets up, get dressed and leave for work, which of course leaves me feeling empty and used. So Yea!!

See Tuesday when I was running I decided I would never speak to him again. Silly yes, but sometimes I wish I could. Then, he goes and acts all nice and I think WOW…maybe there is hope. I see that Toughwords and her husband are doing better. That gives me hope. Maybe we can at least get to the point that I am not totally struggling with all the negative feelings. I would like to feel that I mostly like him even if he is a pain my ass for the rest of my life.

I know we will never be like me and Rocco were, which is sad, but I still go back to that being unrealistic so I should just put it out of my mind. My husband will never be my dream husband, but at this point if we could just have more GOOD than BAD days I would be satisfied.