It's True

I told a friend this the other day and just decided to add it to the blog:

"My ex husband was a nice guy, but I could not live with him......my current husband is NOT a nice guy, but I CAN live with him."

See how that works!?!?!


I also tell people all the time...."if you are going to get divorced, it is really a good thing to be divorcing a nice person".     Ex husband has been a joy to work with and mostly easy to get along with.  

BUT - I am truly scared to ever REALLY piss of my current husband.  I think he would do his best to ruin me!

Letting Go of Resentment

One of the things I think I have figured out in the past few weeks is that I have a lot of built up resentment for my husband (and a few other people as well) for things he has done to me in the past AND these old resentments are interfering with me actually accepting his kindness now and letting our current relationship be all that it might be.  I realize I am harming no one but myself with this resentment that I am holding on to.  I get that!

Today I found this article that I really like:
How to Let Go of Resentments 
and I am looking forward to reading more of Dr. Orloff's blog.

I completely understand WHY I should let go of my resentments, but that doesn't necessarily mean I CAN let go of them.  This is my new project.....to really let them go.  Tomorrow I will see if my therapist George can help me.

I am not sure how much I have blogged about how my husband treated me the first few years we were together and I don't really want to drag it all up again now, but believe me, he said and did many terrible, disrespectful things to me and I have never forgiven him.  I am honestly embarrassed to even tell you, it was that bad.  I really should have walked away and had nothing more to do with him.  BUT, I was pregnant and thinking of more than myself.

The key to this is......if he has changed his ways and his feelings for me, it is in my best interest to believe that, except that and move on so I can enjoy my marriage.

If he has not changed his ways, and everything nice he does now is just a huge act, then he sure has put an ENORMOUS amount of time and effort into faking a life for the benefit of our daughters.  (Which is not completely selfish now is it?)

You see, he excuses all that he did by saying he was in a terrible situation and acted poorly because he was desperate and didn't know what else to do.  I can except this answer to a point, but at some point, one has to say "wow your moral compass swing way farther than mine ever would!"

I just look back and think, if he was really capable of behaving so poorly, the man has no limits or boundaries....he is a ticking time bomb of potential disaster for me.  I guess I would like to think that people are only capable of stooping so low.

Other times I can look back and think maybe he was freaking out and it was a one time deal that he can't take back and he is smart enough to put it in the past and I should wise up.

I don't know.......but I am pretty sure I am on to something here.

(thanks Jane of the Midwest)

Money

My ex husband, the father of the teenagers, is a financial nightmare.  His house is in disrepair, falling apart.  He is drowning in credit card debt.  He has never saved a dime in his life and often has nothing to show for what money he has earned.  He has a decent paying job with good benefits but still he just can’t seem to make ends meet.  He is not the type to blow his money on drugs, women or even fancy cars.  (Remember I just gave him a car.) No, he blows his money on fast food, cable TV and art supplies.  At the end of the day he stands before the world acting sad and beaten down; shrugging his shoulders as if he does his best but he just can’t come out on top.  It’s not his fault you know….life is just hard.  Everyone feels sorry for him.

I am almost half a century old.  I have been working my ass off for over 30 years now.  I have often gone without things so I don’t rack up debt.  I made straight A’s in college so I could get my tuition covered by my employer.  I live cheaply and squirrel my money away.  I don’t have cable TV or internet service at home it’s just too expensive for what you get.   I have gone years without a single penny to spend on entertainment or clothes.  I even lived for a few years without a couch after my divorce; sat on the floor.  I carefully buy quality things and take care of them so they last a long time or pick up great bargains from Craigslist.  I now have some nice things and some money in savings and I earned every last bit of it.  No one feels sorry for me……in fact everyone thinks I somehow owe them ….mainly money of course.

So in the ever continuing saga of how teenager suck the life out of you and make you wish you had gotten your tubes tied at the ripe old age of 12, Monster and I had another huge fight this weekend…..and you guessed it…..it was over money.

A few months ago he told me he wanted to move out of his dad’s house and in with a friend.  We discussed some of the details and he assured me that his roommate to be was a very stable and trustworthy young man who could be counted on to pay his half.  I was happy the boy seemed to be thinking it through and offered to talk to potential landlords for him in an effort to be sure they ended up in a decent place.  I even offered to help him with the bills should he continue to keep his grades up and act like a mature adult.  Basically I did my best to be involved and supportive despite the fact that I really don’t think he should move out when he has a “free” place to stay and there is no reason to move.

Please note he has told me many times in the past few months that he hates living at Dads to which I respond “then why don’t you come live with me?”  I have a bedroom, bathroom and living area downstairs that he could have all to himself.  He always declines because, well because… he knows I won’t let him stay up all night or smoke pot in my house.  Besides I don’t have cable TV or internet service and who can live like that?

So yesterday he calls me to tell me that 2 other friends lost a roommate and he wants to move in with them and he wants to know how much money I am going to give him for rent.  I told him I was not willing to pay his rent.  Rather than discuss it any further, he chose to hang up on me and start sending me viscous text messages about what a bitch I am and how I am a terrible mother. 

I then calmly reminded him that he has totaled his car not once, but twice since he purchased it and I have both times got him back on the road (about $10k worth of auto repairs!).  Not to mention the fact that I had to kick in about $3000 for him to buy the car in the first place.  I buy his school books and pay part of his tuition too.  AND I still pay his father child support each month and buy all his clothes, shoes, etc.  Basically he is costing me a shit ton of money yet to him, I am a stingy bitch who is just so mean to him.

Long and short of it is this; I wish I had never given the kids a dime….I should have just told them I was broke and can’t help them. Hell I could at least say look I have a new car so I am plumb out of money for you. …spent it all on myself, sorry.  It would be so much nicer than bending over backwards to be helpful only to be totally unappreciated and treated like dirt.

Therapist Visit #2

This week we mostly talked about my marriage and my husband.  George wonders if my husband did not bond properly with his folks?  It's a good question.

George told me that Husband and I need to, MUST, start doing things together, communicating more and "turning to each other" rather than away.  I totally agree with him, of course, its more a matter of how to make it happen.

So I gave it a lot of thought and decided I would ask my husband for a few things:

1) That we say hello, good-bye and good-night everyday and do it with a kiss and a hug.  I think this is basic stuff that we should be doing and I am damn sick of him not thinking to do it (or just not doing it) so I am going to request it and insist it happen EVERY DAY.  The plan is to nag him to do it for so long that he finally gets into the habit.

2) I also have plans to have a "meeting" this weekend to discuss our relationship.  I am using this article
16 Ways I Blew My Marriage  as a jump start to the conversation.  I sent him the link today and I think he actually read it.  He seems open to talking more.  Yeah.  I hope we can have a calm and productive dialog about how we can do a better job for each other.

3) Husband mentioned in an email today that there is a new restaurant in town he wants to try so this Saturday night we have a dinner date.  I made him commit to an actual time!!  6 pm.

I told George the thing that bothers me most is that Husband has to actually TRY to be nice to me and it feels forced very often when we interact.  George told me to just keep pushing for what I want and eventually he will get used to it and it won't feel so awkward. 

I guess it can't hurt to try.

Why get Married?

Over the weekend we had another fight about money.  It’s always the same thing.  He has his money and I have mine and we split the bills in half as best we can.  He is adamant that he should not pay more than I do for anything.  He is willing to let me pay more than half….but never less.

I do admit I actually make more money that he does…..right now.  I am just lucky to have a job that is paying me a ridiculously high salary.  If and when I lose/leave this job, I will never be able to find another job that pays anything close to this.  I will take a pay cut by 50% or more I predict. But, that’s not the point.

The point is that I really don’t mind paying my half now, but he makes it clear that no matter what happens in the future that we still have this arrangement.   That he is not willing to support me.  That I must pay my way in life and it is not his job.

I asked another friend and he saw nothing wrong with this.  I guess men these days feel that women’s lib has freed them from the whole financial responsibility for the family thing.  I don’t think that is what Gloria Steinem had in mind but now look where we are!

So here is the question that is nagging me……..why get married?  I mean what do I get from this deal?  I don’t get financial security.  I get half the household bills paid but I could split bills with a roommate and live in a cheaper house. I don’t get companionship.  My husband is just not the social, hang out with me type.  In fact he doesn’t even want to go on vacation with me. 

I am starting to think marriage is just a bad deal for me.  It basically means I have more work and more responsibility and I get nothing in return.  In fact I have less freedom and less opportunity because I am married.  Oh, and we can’t forget, I have someone nagging me for sex.

I’ve been racking my brain and the one and only advantage I can come up with is I have a live-in babysitter.  Someone who is willing to baby sit for me two nights a week so I can go out and do something fun…..and three mornings a week so I can go run.  That’s it!

I tend to think one of the reasons women get married is security….and that includes financial security.  It is one of the things men bring to the table.  Women bring mothering and neutering skills and men bring income.  Is that old fashioned of me?  Am I out of line in this day and age to feel it is *more* his responsibility than mine to support our family?  I know he thinks it is more my job to care for our daughter.  He has NEVER taken her to the doctor.  He does not buy her clothes or take her to birthday parties.  He usually doesn't even take her to her after school classes although lately he has been taking her to gymnastics.  I do all the laundry, most of the cooking and 98% of the cleaning.

I wonder if I might be better off with a roommate and a divorce decree?

Happy with New Therapist

So I went to see George….the new therapist.  I like him!  He is an older fellow and seems to really have a good head on his shoulders.  He is full of useful advice.  I like that.

Funny thing is I used to be friends with his son about 12 years ago before the son and his wife moved to California.  I used to bicycle with him.

I told him all kinds of stuff….we spent too much time talking about ADD.  He still has no idea why I am really there because it is just too complicated to tell in one sitting.  I just filled him in about the kids and my husband and a bit about my past; my father issues.  My abuse as a child…..although it still seems odd to call it that.

As usual, we were just getting somewhere when time was up.  I really think the first 5 sessions need to be 2 hours long!

Anyhow, in an effort to document what I learned / tookaway from this session (and sessions to come) I will record it here in my blog.

Today’s gem:  When talking to the teens, be careful not to alienate them, ask them questions and make them think instead of just criticizing or bitching at them.  For example: Ramone gets into car and smells of pot and Patchouli.  Instead of looking at her and saying “OMG you stink” followed by my preaching about why it is a bad idea to go out smelling like that  I should say to her “do you think you smell funny?”  And then keep asking her questions.  Ask her what her objective is….ask her how she thinks others like teachers or classmates will interpret her order.  Stuff like that.  Engage in conversation that is thought provoking instead of just putting her in a position where she throws up the defenses and we fight all the way to school.  Now this is a skill I will have to work on but it is totally the way I should handle it.

Husband’s Nice Streak Ends.

First, last night, he wanted me to thank him for emptying the dishwasher.  I told him that he should in turn thank me daily for doing dishes, laundry and all the housework I do.  He then says I should thank him for the yard work he does.  You see, he thinks yard work equals house work.  I got news for him….NOT EVEN CLOSE.

My chores are year round....all week...every day.  He does yard work on weekends in the summer.  You see……the amount of time involved in yard work in less than half the time I spend on house work.  AND, I really wouldn’t mind doing it if he didn’t feel it was my “job” and not even actually appreciate it. 

We both work fulltime yet when I get home I have an hour or more of housework to do each day and he comes home and goofs around in his man room or plays with his bikes.  He has so much more free time than me that it’s not even funny and quite frankly I resent it.  I often leave the dishwasher for him to unload just so I don’t feel completely used. 

Men these days want their wives to be like their mothers and take care of everyone including the house.  But our Mom’s stayed home and that was their whole job!!  Women’s lib flat out pisses me off....it just doubled my responsibility and reduced his. 

At this point I am just grateful that he generally takes out the trash before it piles up too high.  Something I had to quit doing for months before he figure out it was his job.

Then this morning he climbs in bed with me where I am sound asleep.  Wakes me up to “cuddle” and of course gets grumpy that I don’t want to have sex with him.  I am really really REALLY tired of the only time he comes within 3 feet of me is when he feels he is due some intercourse.  SICK! OF! IT!

Fussing About What to Tell the Therapist.

I get one hour to introduce myself to this guy and set the tone for our meetings.  The more information I give him the better use of my time and the better information he can give me. 

Oh…where to begin?

I could start with background……..like my father didn’t love me.  My mother has no nurturing skills.  Being the child of two engineers makes me a freak.  Father left when I was in fourth grade but before he left he terrorized us and was overly physical in his discipline.  He’s still an alcoholic to this day.

I could tell him how the love of my life left me and I crumbled from within and have never fully recovered.  How I am stuck on a dream of what Rocco and I had.  How I still miss it and still want it.

Or I could go with what is my biggest concern today…..relationships or my lack of healthy ones; most notably my husband.

Or I could go with the more over all themes like FEAR and how I am afraid that all the good things in my life are not real or will disappear tomorrow and I FEAR that all the bad things in my life with never get better and I FEAR that my teenagers will self destruct and my little one will grow up to be an OCD mental case.  How I FEAR that if anyone really knew me they would not like me.  (I could go on but you get the point.)

I could tell him about my past visits to therapists and how they helped or didn’t help.

I should tell him about Friss and fill him in on all the important people in my life so he knows who I am referring to when speaking.  (I often wish I had a small photo album with pictures of all my significant relationships with a bio under them to give to new therapist or friends so they could get up to speed faster and not get confused.)

I’m telling you an hour is just not enough time!!!

It was Awkward

My husband has been kind and helpful lately.  He has certainly been bending over backwards to be nice.  We only had a 3 day workweek last week and he picked up our daughter all three days and did it with generosity, not resentment.  (I was tending to older kids.) He also spent more time at home interacting in a pleasant way.  We were both in the kitchen cooking on Sunday morning and it was actually fun.

Saturday afternoon my daughter’s friend had a birthday party so we never got in a much needed nap.  Saturday night both the 5 year old and the puppy were fast asleep by 7:30 leaving me and my husband alone with each other for hours. 

At first we watched TV together which is pretty normal.  But then, he turned off the TV and tried to get all affectionate.  It felt so awkward that I physically reacted by pulling away and saying “wait”.  He then acted kind about that and went on to tell me that his new year’s resolution is to be more loving and kiss me more. 

I really felt he was making an honest effort and being sincere.  I was touched but still it just felt odd.   This is what I have been asking for and now that he is making an effort I am not happy about it….. I’m uncomfortable.

It just felt strange because over the last year or so, in an effort to not feel hurt by his distance I have distanced myself from him emotionally.  We function more like roommates and pretty much leave each other alone and mind our own business.  That is what I am used to because I have adjusted to him.

When we do have sex (couple times a month these days) it is just a physical act with no real affection involved.  I just put up with it because I know it makes him happy.  He does it for the physical release.  He does not NEED intimacy like I do.

So now I feel bad and I am thinking I need to research ways to get back my desire…..to feel closer to him again.  I don’t want to get my hopes up but if there is a chance I don’t want to pass it up.  I don’t know if he can keep it up.  I hope so.

2013 New Year’s Resolutions

Hard to believe another year has flown by.  I wish I could say it was a great year, but it wasn’t.  BUT, I am thrilled that it wasn’t a terrible year either.  I remember back in 2002 & 2003 I would just put a big X on the calendar and think “that was the worst year of my life!”  The sad thing is…..I know I did that at least 3 years in a row.  Everyone used to say things would get better but they didn’t.  No wonder I got sick of hearing that.

Things ARE better now.  I don’t wish I were dead nearly as often.  I don’t wake up and think “NO! I don’t want to be awake!” as often.  It still happens but not every day…..just once in a while.

Why are things better now?  Well, I guess mostly time has passed….so memories and feelings have faded and seem less real.  Also, I have lowered my expectations of life.  I no longer expect things to ever go back to the way they were.  Also I fixed a few problems.  I mean getting a job that allows me to have a life too was huge.   Finally getting back on my bike with regularity….that is good for me.  Having some stable relationships have helped.  And I know this will sound a bit superficial, but having some extra money has been nice.  I don’t worry so much that I will go broke and lose my house and everything I have ever worked for.

Now comes the part where I ponder what went right and what went wrong in 2012 and what I want to do with my new year labeled 2013.

2012 GOOD

The first thing that jumps to mind is my half iron man.  I am proud of myself for working hard to make that happen, both physically by training and then additionally by procuring the time for myself from my family and employer to do that training.  It wasn’t easy to chisel out so much time to do something that was just for me.

The next thing that comes to mind is that my husband has really quit being a total ass hole to me.  He is still a jerk at times and still hard to relate to but at least he does not go out of his way to be mean.  He actually tries to be nice to me now.  That being said, he still is the most selfish man I have ever had the “pleasure” of having anything to do with on a personal level.

Friends, I have made a huge effort to make more friends and have more of a social life.  For the most part I think I have done pretty well.  I certainly have more friends now than one year ago.

One more item I just remembered (and this makes me sound old) this last year I found a new dentist and a new doctor that I like.  I had been looking for a dentist for years.  I finally got a bad tooth fixed and got my blood pressure medicine adjusted.  Glad that is all taken care of.  I feel less like I am falling apart.

2012 NOT GOOD

So many things come to mind…I really don’t want to focus on the negative but here goes.

OMG I have totally let myself go in the last 3 months.  Self discipline is at an all time low and my weight is at an all time high.  NOT GOOD

Lately I feel more and more hopeless about my marriage.  I don’t think we will ever work out all our differences to become a “real” couple.  I used to believe that two smart adults who genuinely love each other and can live together could figure out how to make a good marriage if they both tried.  I no longer believe that.  Sometimes people are just too different.

Most all of my relationships drain me and make me feel used.  It’s exhausting.  AND, there really isn’t much I can do about it because these relationships are family and employment and things you can’t just walk away from. 

PLANS FOR 2013

My first resolution is to get therapy.  I have the name of a new guy (highly recommended) and I should give it a chance.  I have gone to a therapist before but never felt it did me much good…. besides it is time consuming and expensive.  BUT, I still WANT someone to help so I will go see if this guy can shed any light on my life….my issues.

Second, I am joining a weight loss group and I will start busting ass to get back into shape and quit doing self destructive eating and drinking.  I know I do this because I am depressed, but I also know that it only makes me more depressed.  Typical cycle that I have to break.  Today I will go weigh in……….in public and people will know how much I weigh and I will feel like a big fat pig and be ashamed and go home with new resolve to get my shit together.

Husband wants to quit drinking and I need to as well so we are both going to stop drinking.  We will see how long he lasts.  I know I can quit if I really want to.  I am not sure he can.  I just need to cut out the calories.

I should set some running / triathlon goals.  At this point I don’t have a lot of solid plans but I do have some ideas. 

1)      Run at least 100 miles per month.  I used to do this and only the last few months have gotten lazy and let that go….so back to 100 miles per month. 

2)      I already signed up for a half marathon in May….I would like to PR that. 

3)      I plan to test some longer runs and possibly do a full distance marathon.

4)      I want to do at least one or two triathlons this summer.  It will motivate me to bike and swim which are things I think are very good for me both physically and mentally.  I will never win anything in triathlon because I am an endurance athlete (which means I am not fast) but I do enjoy my tri friends and the atmosphere of it all.

That’s all I have for now.  The next month here at work will be busy so I probably won’t have time to post much.  But don't worry.....I will still keeping reading all your blogs.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!