Yesterday I woke up at 5 am and tried to get a bunch of things done. I became very frustrated when everything I tried to do didn't work out. I talked to Kevin on the phone and he soothed me and was very kind and supportive.
Then, while I was delivering the Bean to school, he stopped by and fixed her clock for me. I didn't ask him to do this, he just did it on his way to work because he knew it was one of the things that I was stressing over.
Next, when my first attempt to get Ramone's new car inspected failed, he fixed me up with a friend and got me in right away. Car was passed but I was advised it needed new tires and wiper blades. I am sure the other auto shop would have failed it and tried to sell me on the fixes.
After the inspection I told him I needed to buy tires so he made some phone calls and hooked me up with a super deal. After work he also took me to Walmart to purchase wiper blades.
I thanked him a lot and declared him my hero once again. He told me he was just being a good person, doing the right thing and it was not a big deal. He said I would do the same for him. (I would.)
It feels so nice to have someone take care of me and help me in life. I really have spent my whole life helping others and this is such a refreshing change.
Later I e-mailed my attorney and asked for the next available court date.
I really do count my blessings every day and feel grateful to have such a wonderful, kind caring man in my life. There has always been a shortage of such men for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This morning I was talking with Friss and he was asking my WHY I finally found it in myself to leave my husband after years of being neglected, disrespected and taken for granted.
I thought for a moment and told him the first three things I could think of:
1) after Pop died I finally realized that I wasn't just raised with some lingering issues I was raised in an abusive situation that has left me with many mental scars. I am more aware than I used to be of the lifelong issues of self esteem that I need to address. I guess I am understanding myself more than I used to.
2) Talking to Kevin on a regular bases helped me to realize that my thought processes where often off base.....that I was too accepting of mistreatment and too quick to doubt my gut instincts. In a way he has been my therapist and is around all day every day to assist when I might need advise. I am sure a "real" once a week therapist could not be as effective if for no other reason, time constraints.
3) Reading Chumplady every day really has helped me to find my MIGHTY and feel better about being strong instead of being a chump. I know that sounds odd but her delivery method of self esteem/ self help works for me. It is like group therapy that I can participate it at any moment I need it. I find myself going to her blog after I talk to my STBX just so I can regroup and feel "level" again.
In the final analysis I know I haven't always proceeded in the most eloquent fashion in the past year, but I have managed to make some much needed changes for the better in my life.
I finally feel like I am headed in the right direction after almost 14 years of searching for some answers to why my life exploded and I could not find the ground again. I think I am finally starting to figure out some of the answers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this blog entry from the new home computer. It has been a pain in my ass but the keyboard ROCKS!
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Papers
We signed the papers.
I feel sick.
This sucks.
I called George.
I guess I can spare $50.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
before we went into the attorneys office my husband looked me straight in the eyes and said "are you sure you and Beanie wouldn't rather just come home?" That hurt SO MUCH!
He has been so much better to me lately. He has been more open and honest. He has answered the phone. He has shared things he never did before. It is so hard on me that he is finally letting me "in" and it is really too late.
We were up late last night talking and arguing on the phone. Then I woke up at 1 am and couldn't sleep. I finally called him and he talked to me for another 1.5 hours. That is a world record for him.
I truly believe he would take me back and do his best. But I am also realistic. The chances of us fixing all this are miniscule. Too many bad things have transpired. I don't think we could ever really trust each other....at least not in the foreseeable future. He would still be selfish and struggle to think of our needs not just his. He would still be secretive with his life....I don't think he could stop. It is easy for him to say what I want to hear but he has never been good at the follow through.
It's all so sad.
I feel sick.
This sucks.
I called George.
I guess I can spare $50.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
before we went into the attorneys office my husband looked me straight in the eyes and said "are you sure you and Beanie wouldn't rather just come home?" That hurt SO MUCH!
He has been so much better to me lately. He has been more open and honest. He has answered the phone. He has shared things he never did before. It is so hard on me that he is finally letting me "in" and it is really too late.
We were up late last night talking and arguing on the phone. Then I woke up at 1 am and couldn't sleep. I finally called him and he talked to me for another 1.5 hours. That is a world record for him.
I truly believe he would take me back and do his best. But I am also realistic. The chances of us fixing all this are miniscule. Too many bad things have transpired. I don't think we could ever really trust each other....at least not in the foreseeable future. He would still be selfish and struggle to think of our needs not just his. He would still be secretive with his life....I don't think he could stop. It is easy for him to say what I want to hear but he has never been good at the follow through.
It's all so sad.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Keep Calm and Pack On
Yesterday after work I went to KP’s house. His son and Grandson were there. The 2 year old greeted me with smiles. He is really starting to warm up to me. Thy boys father soon left to go to a basketball game and we were left to babysit (again).
KP was packing to go out of town and somehow…I’m not even sure how we started it, but we tackled part of that spare room that he “keeps” things in. We made a BIG black trash bag of his old running shoes that I will donate for him. I found some of his daughter’s old gloves and a pretty ski hat that I took home to Beanie (she loved them). There was an old tube TV in there and I told him I would get rid of it. There was also an old computer and a few other items to recycle. AND we made a big bag of trash; old hats and other items that were not worth even donating to charity. It was a huge improvement and really only took about a half hour to do.
Then we made dinner and played with the toddler for the next few hours. He loves to play on the IPad and is really quite smart for his age. BUT he doesn’t talk much. He says “ball” and “Da-da” and that is about it. He mostly grunts and makes noises.
Around 9 his father came and fetched him and finally KP and I had some alone time. I made some tea and he made hot chocolate and we sat on the couch and relaxed. This is where I totally unwind. This is where I find an amazing sense of calm I get from nothing else. (Note: Husband = feeling crazy. KP = feeling calm and happy.) Soon we were sleepy and we crawled into bed and cuddled and talked a bit more and fell asleep. I am so at peace with this man.
Around midnight I forced myself to get up and drive home to my basement apartment. By the time I got home I was wide awake so I decided to tidy up my new room a bit more. I probably spent about an hour folding and rearranging locations of t-shirts, skorts, etc. I remembered that Ramone said she would take my old skorts that were a bit shorter. I put them in a pile.
I finally climbed in bed around 1 and was sound asleep in no time. The peace lasts long after I leave.
This morning I came upstairs around 5:30 to check in with “SoontobeX”. He wanted a hug….he wanted to talk….he doesn’t know what to say…..he is trying so hard to be nice. It all feels so awkward and uncomfortable. This man is now being clingy and needy and it is just so weird. Just a few weeks ago he couldn’t even make eye contact with me. He is still just terrible at communicating though. My inner calm was momentarily flustered.
He left around 6 to go to the gym and I got busy getting Beanie and myself ready for school and work. I also did a few more packing / rearranging projects. Just doing 30 minutes here and there as I think of things to collect, sort or box is really a nice way to handle it.
As soon as I got to work, I headed to the break room to make a cup of tea. When I got in the cabinet I managed to knock out a glass mug which shattered EVERYWHERE when it hit the concrete floor. I quickly put my dog back in my office so she wouldn’t step in glass and fetched a broom. Once the glass was all cleaned up I headed back to my office to find a bouquet of flowers on my desk. There was a small card. It was from Husband. It said “thanks for spending time with me this morning. I love you.”
He had just popped in and dropped it on my desk while I was in the other room. I felt a bit violated again. I mean the last time he was in my office was probably YEARS ago…..possibly as far back as when Beanie came to work with me (so 4 years). And he didn't say "hi" or anything he just snuck in and out.
All this change in behavior from him makes me nervous. I’m not being critical; I get that he is just doing anything he can think of to “fix” the mess. But I hate not knowing what to expect. I am a planner and a control person so it causes me anxiety when unexpected things keep happening.
I also realize that him being nice is a lot better than being a total jerk and for that I am grateful. But still I don't want to lead him on or make him feel worse than is necessary. It is such an emotional mine field.
So KP and 3 of his buddies left for Las Vegas today for their annual guys trip. They will gamble, eat lots of steak and ribs at Tony Roma's and have a great time for the next four days. I don’t think any of them are drinkers and I am pretty sure that all of them are happily married and have no desire to pay for the company of a woman. This bunch is pretty tame and won’t get into trouble.
I will miss him. I hope to keep my “calm” all by myself while he is gone.
KP was packing to go out of town and somehow…I’m not even sure how we started it, but we tackled part of that spare room that he “keeps” things in. We made a BIG black trash bag of his old running shoes that I will donate for him. I found some of his daughter’s old gloves and a pretty ski hat that I took home to Beanie (she loved them). There was an old tube TV in there and I told him I would get rid of it. There was also an old computer and a few other items to recycle. AND we made a big bag of trash; old hats and other items that were not worth even donating to charity. It was a huge improvement and really only took about a half hour to do.
 |
| Gage and Kobi (aka Binky) |
Then we made dinner and played with the toddler for the next few hours. He loves to play on the IPad and is really quite smart for his age. BUT he doesn’t talk much. He says “ball” and “Da-da” and that is about it. He mostly grunts and makes noises.
Around 9 his father came and fetched him and finally KP and I had some alone time. I made some tea and he made hot chocolate and we sat on the couch and relaxed. This is where I totally unwind. This is where I find an amazing sense of calm I get from nothing else. (Note: Husband = feeling crazy. KP = feeling calm and happy.) Soon we were sleepy and we crawled into bed and cuddled and talked a bit more and fell asleep. I am so at peace with this man.
Around midnight I forced myself to get up and drive home to my basement apartment. By the time I got home I was wide awake so I decided to tidy up my new room a bit more. I probably spent about an hour folding and rearranging locations of t-shirts, skorts, etc. I remembered that Ramone said she would take my old skorts that were a bit shorter. I put them in a pile.
I finally climbed in bed around 1 and was sound asleep in no time. The peace lasts long after I leave.
This morning I came upstairs around 5:30 to check in with “SoontobeX”. He wanted a hug….he wanted to talk….he doesn’t know what to say…..he is trying so hard to be nice. It all feels so awkward and uncomfortable. This man is now being clingy and needy and it is just so weird. Just a few weeks ago he couldn’t even make eye contact with me. He is still just terrible at communicating though. My inner calm was momentarily flustered.
He left around 6 to go to the gym and I got busy getting Beanie and myself ready for school and work. I also did a few more packing / rearranging projects. Just doing 30 minutes here and there as I think of things to collect, sort or box is really a nice way to handle it.
As soon as I got to work, I headed to the break room to make a cup of tea. When I got in the cabinet I managed to knock out a glass mug which shattered EVERYWHERE when it hit the concrete floor. I quickly put my dog back in my office so she wouldn’t step in glass and fetched a broom. Once the glass was all cleaned up I headed back to my office to find a bouquet of flowers on my desk. There was a small card. It was from Husband. It said “thanks for spending time with me this morning. I love you.”
He had just popped in and dropped it on my desk while I was in the other room. I felt a bit violated again. I mean the last time he was in my office was probably YEARS ago…..possibly as far back as when Beanie came to work with me (so 4 years). And he didn't say "hi" or anything he just snuck in and out.
All this change in behavior from him makes me nervous. I’m not being critical; I get that he is just doing anything he can think of to “fix” the mess. But I hate not knowing what to expect. I am a planner and a control person so it causes me anxiety when unexpected things keep happening.
I also realize that him being nice is a lot better than being a total jerk and for that I am grateful. But still I don't want to lead him on or make him feel worse than is necessary. It is such an emotional mine field.
So KP and 3 of his buddies left for Las Vegas today for their annual guys trip. They will gamble, eat lots of steak and ribs at Tony Roma's and have a great time for the next four days. I don’t think any of them are drinkers and I am pretty sure that all of them are happily married and have no desire to pay for the company of a woman. This bunch is pretty tame and won’t get into trouble.
I will miss him. I hope to keep my “calm” all by myself while he is gone.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Rings
The Husband and daughter got back late last night after I was asleep. This morning husband dallied around under foot for what seemed like an eternity and then he went to the grocery store. Then he came home and did a little trail run out behind our house. I built those trails years ago when I first purchased the house. I haven’t been out there is a very long time though. He has had back issues and quit running but now that he is “single” he thinks it would be good to see if he can get back into running. I think it bothered his back though so he may not get that wish.
Next he showered and got dressed up to go to church. He has NEVER been a church goer, he doesn’t belong to a church, but now he thinks it will be good for him and Alli. As he left he told me he would be gone all day. That was fine by me.
I decided to go up to the mall to shop for a gemstone ring to wear on my middle finger on my left hand because I just feel too naked with no ring on at all. I finally put my wedding ring in the firebox for safe keeping. I love that ring so much….it was hard to take it off. I would still be wearing it except it was sending the wrong message to both Husband and KP. You see, that ring was never a real symbol of OUR vows because of the way the whole purchase went. It was just MY cool wedding ring.
While I was driving to the mall I got behind this fellow who was farting around and taking forever to turn. I swung around him because I was feeling impatient. Later in the parking lot he popped out between two cars and started yelling at me for driving recklessly. It really rattled me. I was already upset because I was ring shopping because my wedding ring is now off limits because my marriage was a scam and this crazy parking lot scene didn’t help my mood one bit. By the time we got to the first jewelry store I was still physically shaking. I knew it wasn’t nice to turn in front of him but I guess I just didn’t think it through. This incident bothered me the rest of the day. In the final analysis, I determined that I really need to calm down but it is very hard for me to feel calm when my life is in this state of confusion. Husband has always made me nervous and upset and it is even worse now. I need to be more grounded and not let him rattle me. I don’t want to be an impatient person who makes other people upset. That is NOT the real me!!
Beanie liked going to the jewelry stores and looking at the pretty rings. She was good company for me all day long.
Next he showered and got dressed up to go to church. He has NEVER been a church goer, he doesn’t belong to a church, but now he thinks it will be good for him and Alli. As he left he told me he would be gone all day. That was fine by me.
I decided to go up to the mall to shop for a gemstone ring to wear on my middle finger on my left hand because I just feel too naked with no ring on at all. I finally put my wedding ring in the firebox for safe keeping. I love that ring so much….it was hard to take it off. I would still be wearing it except it was sending the wrong message to both Husband and KP. You see, that ring was never a real symbol of OUR vows because of the way the whole purchase went. It was just MY cool wedding ring.
While I was driving to the mall I got behind this fellow who was farting around and taking forever to turn. I swung around him because I was feeling impatient. Later in the parking lot he popped out between two cars and started yelling at me for driving recklessly. It really rattled me. I was already upset because I was ring shopping because my wedding ring is now off limits because my marriage was a scam and this crazy parking lot scene didn’t help my mood one bit. By the time we got to the first jewelry store I was still physically shaking. I knew it wasn’t nice to turn in front of him but I guess I just didn’t think it through. This incident bothered me the rest of the day. In the final analysis, I determined that I really need to calm down but it is very hard for me to feel calm when my life is in this state of confusion. Husband has always made me nervous and upset and it is even worse now. I need to be more grounded and not let him rattle me. I don’t want to be an impatient person who makes other people upset. That is NOT the real me!!
Beanie liked going to the jewelry stores and looking at the pretty rings. She was good company for me all day long.
 |
| The ring I bought today. |
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Procrastination and Navel Gazing
For the last month and a half I have been goofing off at work. I just find it so hard to take any of it seriously when the company is just going broke day by day. It all seems so futile.
AND I have been spending tons of time fussing about the end of my friendship with Uwe, my failing marriage and my “scary” relationship with KP. These three men and my kids have been sucking up almost all my thoughts.
Oh and I read a few books on child abuse.
Finally it has all caught up with me!!
As of right this minute:
1) My husband is pissed at me and we are starting to really annoy each the hell out of each other. I am tired of tip toeing around him and I know he is going to be pissed if I just let myself go. Things are fixing to get really ugly folks. But honestly I can’t keep living with someone who I am not allowed to speak to freely.
2) I have a huge work project that is due NOW (just found out, but knew it was coming). I have put the dead line off until next Wednesday. I have no business typing this blog right now because I should be working. If I have to work this weekend my husband is going to be super pissed off because it is deer season here.
AND we just switched banks and there is a ton of stuff I need to do ASAP related to that.
3) My dog has fleas and I feel like it’s a losing battle. Vet says to give it 3 months. So for three months I don’t take my dog away from home? She usually goes everywhere with me. AND… I can’t take her to KPs house with fleas because his dog will get them. Pain in the ass!
4) I think, finally, Uwe and I are not speaking and it is going to stick. Please o please let this heart ache just be over.
5) I am worried about Friss.
6) My 6 year old has been crabby and demanding and both my husband and I are 100% out of patience and not sure what to do about it. (Someone send me a nanny!)
7) I had a fender bender the other day and need to get my car fixed but I don’t have any time or energy to deal with it.
8) I am so tired……..I want to just go to sleep until spring.
9) Saw George today and left in tears. Tired of talking about my husband. It’s a waste of time to go to a marriage therapist at this point.
10) and Christmas is coming and I should start planning for that. You know, start buying gifts, think about putting up a tree. OMG I am not ready for winter or the holidays! I want to run away and hide from the real world so badly!
AND I have been spending tons of time fussing about the end of my friendship with Uwe, my failing marriage and my “scary” relationship with KP. These three men and my kids have been sucking up almost all my thoughts.
Oh and I read a few books on child abuse.
Finally it has all caught up with me!!
As of right this minute:
1) My husband is pissed at me and we are starting to really annoy each the hell out of each other. I am tired of tip toeing around him and I know he is going to be pissed if I just let myself go. Things are fixing to get really ugly folks. But honestly I can’t keep living with someone who I am not allowed to speak to freely.
2) I have a huge work project that is due NOW (just found out, but knew it was coming). I have put the dead line off until next Wednesday. I have no business typing this blog right now because I should be working. If I have to work this weekend my husband is going to be super pissed off because it is deer season here.
AND we just switched banks and there is a ton of stuff I need to do ASAP related to that.
3) My dog has fleas and I feel like it’s a losing battle. Vet says to give it 3 months. So for three months I don’t take my dog away from home? She usually goes everywhere with me. AND… I can’t take her to KPs house with fleas because his dog will get them. Pain in the ass!
4) I think, finally, Uwe and I are not speaking and it is going to stick. Please o please let this heart ache just be over.
5) I am worried about Friss.
6) My 6 year old has been crabby and demanding and both my husband and I are 100% out of patience and not sure what to do about it. (Someone send me a nanny!)
7) I had a fender bender the other day and need to get my car fixed but I don’t have any time or energy to deal with it.
8) I am so tired……..I want to just go to sleep until spring.
9) Saw George today and left in tears. Tired of talking about my husband. It’s a waste of time to go to a marriage therapist at this point.
10) and Christmas is coming and I should start planning for that. You know, start buying gifts, think about putting up a tree. OMG I am not ready for winter or the holidays! I want to run away and hide from the real world so badly!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Rewriting History
Yesterday there was some more drama regarding Uwe. I won’t bore you with the details but the guy is a freaking narcissistic jerk who is always accusing me of doing lowly things and then says if I don't deny it it must be true. (I try very hard not humor him with an argument.)
Then I found out he shared some personal things about me with a mutual friend; a mutual friend that he has just started dating. This greatly concerns me because after talking to both of them I am sure he has lied to her. And even better still this revealing story he told her was framed as an “I must be completely honest with you” discussion to make him look good in her eyes. BARF
Now here is the thing. The lie is set up so that if I tell her he is lying it is highly likely she will think I am covering my tracks and not believe me anyway. In fact, he has painted me as insecure and needy and him as a big hero all summer long for sticking by my side as TRUE friend. And she will probably tell him which will make him angry and he will lash out at me again in some way.
So it has been eating at me. I barely slept last night. I feel that I am betraying a friendship if I am not honest with her and I am super pissed that this jerk-wad has set it up so he can lie, look good and get away with it. Keep in mind that all of our mutual friends think he is a super duper nice guy because almost all the crap he did to me was when no one was looking.
Oh and I know the story he told her because he tried it on me too. He is trying to backtrack now and rationalize all the mean things he did to me this summer by saying that I wanted to be more than friends and that he took the high ground and told me no and started to distance himself from me for my own good and the good of my family. When he told me this, I called him out for making shit up and trying to rewrite history. Seriously it took him all summer to come up with this version that makes him guilt free for his actions towards me. Nice try but I certainly know better.
Also, this mutual friend is a child abuse survivor who I have confided in before about my family issues AND the fact that Uwe had been hurting me too. She too has a similar background (they can smell it in us). She is going to be easy prey for a manipulative narcissistic person like him.
So I go to KP and tell him the whole story. He calmly leans back and says it is none of my business and I should just butt out; that I get too worked up over things that really don’t matter. That Uwe is not a friend to me and I need to just stay away from him and not talk to him. That woman always, eventually, figure out what he is really like (he has never been married and is 48 years old) and mutual friend has to find out on her own.
I told KP it is not fair that he is using me and making me look bad so he looks good especially after all the hurtful things he has said and done to me. KP pointed out that I cannot control other people, that I have done nothing wrong and that I should hold my head up and let the real truth come to light in it’s own time.
What do you think? Do I just MYOB and try not to think about it? Do I tell her my side even if she won’t believe me? Maybe it will cast a doubt in her mind? Then again it might just force an even bigger riff in our circle of friends because people are already telling me they don't want to be in the middle. :( He is better at "working" the crowd so I am going to be friendless soon.
At the end of the day I am just so weary of all this stupid drama!
All I did was a have a friend that I believed in and this is how it turns out.
FML
Then I found out he shared some personal things about me with a mutual friend; a mutual friend that he has just started dating. This greatly concerns me because after talking to both of them I am sure he has lied to her. And even better still this revealing story he told her was framed as an “I must be completely honest with you” discussion to make him look good in her eyes. BARF
Now here is the thing. The lie is set up so that if I tell her he is lying it is highly likely she will think I am covering my tracks and not believe me anyway. In fact, he has painted me as insecure and needy and him as a big hero all summer long for sticking by my side as TRUE friend. And she will probably tell him which will make him angry and he will lash out at me again in some way.
So it has been eating at me. I barely slept last night. I feel that I am betraying a friendship if I am not honest with her and I am super pissed that this jerk-wad has set it up so he can lie, look good and get away with it. Keep in mind that all of our mutual friends think he is a super duper nice guy because almost all the crap he did to me was when no one was looking.
Oh and I know the story he told her because he tried it on me too. He is trying to backtrack now and rationalize all the mean things he did to me this summer by saying that I wanted to be more than friends and that he took the high ground and told me no and started to distance himself from me for my own good and the good of my family. When he told me this, I called him out for making shit up and trying to rewrite history. Seriously it took him all summer to come up with this version that makes him guilt free for his actions towards me. Nice try but I certainly know better.
Also, this mutual friend is a child abuse survivor who I have confided in before about my family issues AND the fact that Uwe had been hurting me too. She too has a similar background (they can smell it in us). She is going to be easy prey for a manipulative narcissistic person like him.
So I go to KP and tell him the whole story. He calmly leans back and says it is none of my business and I should just butt out; that I get too worked up over things that really don’t matter. That Uwe is not a friend to me and I need to just stay away from him and not talk to him. That woman always, eventually, figure out what he is really like (he has never been married and is 48 years old) and mutual friend has to find out on her own.
I told KP it is not fair that he is using me and making me look bad so he looks good especially after all the hurtful things he has said and done to me. KP pointed out that I cannot control other people, that I have done nothing wrong and that I should hold my head up and let the real truth come to light in it’s own time.
What do you think? Do I just MYOB and try not to think about it? Do I tell her my side even if she won’t believe me? Maybe it will cast a doubt in her mind? Then again it might just force an even bigger riff in our circle of friends because people are already telling me they don't want to be in the middle. :( He is better at "working" the crowd so I am going to be friendless soon.
At the end of the day I am just so weary of all this stupid drama!
All I did was a have a friend that I believed in and this is how it turns out.
FML
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Feeling Paranoid
Mostly, throughout my life, the people I have come into contact with have, in one way or another, duped me into thinking they are nice, kind, souls who actually care about me (on some level) only to have me find out later that they were being deceptive or they had ulterior motives or they were just completely full of shit or, at the very worst, they were just mistaken to be interested in me.
So lately I find that I am feeling hyper vigilant for signs, any signs, that this man who is being so nice to me is just up to no good. That he has a hidden agenda; that one day I will be saying to myself “damn I should have seen that coming!”
If you watch for red flags hard enough you WILL find them!?
And, the few people that never actually fucked me over on purpose were probably guilty of fucking me over by accident; by either being helpless (ex-husband) or needy or selfish (current husband).
Also, at the same time it kind of occurred to me that my husband is not particularly fond of watching our daughter and should we get divorced I am sure that he would not be the kind and helpful ex that happily watches the kid for me so I can go on ski trips with my friends. (need to book if I plan on going in February!) In fact I suspect he will want to get her only when he feels it will cause me the most inconvenience and not the other way around.
I mean really, given his history, I am pretty positive that should I tell him it is over he will feel he has nothing to lose and he will unleash all his nastiness on me. I am fairly confident that his lowest behaviors are lower than my wildest dreams. In other words, he will stop at nothing to make my life living hell.
Next month I have a trip to NYC planned and I am doing my best to keep the peace at home until that trip is over. (I could not sleep at night thinking I left the state and he was angry and may be throwing everything I own in the trash.)
Then, in December I have an out-of-town half marathon. Again, I don’t think I should make waves or this trip will get screwed up. BUT, at what point do I say I can’t keep putting off having a frank discussion with him because I think he will then be up for ruining my life if he thinks he has nothing to lose.
AND to top it all off, he has been nice. We have not been fighting. He has been letting me do whatever I want and not complaining at all. I don’t come home until late….he doesn’t get angry. I am not giving him sex lately (another blog post) and he has not been nagging. I have been kissing him good-bye (to be polite) but other than that, no signs of affection. Frankly I am just tired of “pretending” we have a real relationship when it doesn’t feel like one to me at all. And, he has been perfectly pleasant to me. Could he be lulling me into a false sense of calm, to make me think that he is not such a bad person? Make me wonder if he is capable of a fair and peaceful divorce?
Or maybe he is just trying to trick me into not asking for a divorce. Maybe he can feel it coming and is just bending over backwards to be kind and accepting and easy to get along with so I won’t pull the trigger?
Seriously though, we don’t talk, we don’t hang out, and we don’t make plans to do things together. We just swap kid and house duties and generally stay out of each other’s way. This is NOT a marriage!!
BUT still I have a babysitter and someone to share the bills with and it’s not that bad. Especially when I can go do pretty much whatever I want most of the time. Should I actually leave him (or kick him out since I own the house) I am sure I would have less freedom, less money and a less kindness from him.
I guess what I am saying is I know this is going to suck and I am still not 100% convinced I should go through with it. I have no family to support me. I have no close friends to help me out. I have a few shaky relationships that I don’t really trust at this point and that is about it.
GOD I AM SICK OF FEELING ALONE!
AGAIN…HOW THE HELL DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS WHERE ALL CHOICES SUCK!?!?!
So lately I find that I am feeling hyper vigilant for signs, any signs, that this man who is being so nice to me is just up to no good. That he has a hidden agenda; that one day I will be saying to myself “damn I should have seen that coming!”
If you watch for red flags hard enough you WILL find them!?
And, the few people that never actually fucked me over on purpose were probably guilty of fucking me over by accident; by either being helpless (ex-husband) or needy or selfish (current husband).
Also, at the same time it kind of occurred to me that my husband is not particularly fond of watching our daughter and should we get divorced I am sure that he would not be the kind and helpful ex that happily watches the kid for me so I can go on ski trips with my friends. (need to book if I plan on going in February!) In fact I suspect he will want to get her only when he feels it will cause me the most inconvenience and not the other way around.
I mean really, given his history, I am pretty positive that should I tell him it is over he will feel he has nothing to lose and he will unleash all his nastiness on me. I am fairly confident that his lowest behaviors are lower than my wildest dreams. In other words, he will stop at nothing to make my life living hell.
Next month I have a trip to NYC planned and I am doing my best to keep the peace at home until that trip is over. (I could not sleep at night thinking I left the state and he was angry and may be throwing everything I own in the trash.)
Then, in December I have an out-of-town half marathon. Again, I don’t think I should make waves or this trip will get screwed up. BUT, at what point do I say I can’t keep putting off having a frank discussion with him because I think he will then be up for ruining my life if he thinks he has nothing to lose.
AND to top it all off, he has been nice. We have not been fighting. He has been letting me do whatever I want and not complaining at all. I don’t come home until late….he doesn’t get angry. I am not giving him sex lately (another blog post) and he has not been nagging. I have been kissing him good-bye (to be polite) but other than that, no signs of affection. Frankly I am just tired of “pretending” we have a real relationship when it doesn’t feel like one to me at all. And, he has been perfectly pleasant to me. Could he be lulling me into a false sense of calm, to make me think that he is not such a bad person? Make me wonder if he is capable of a fair and peaceful divorce?
Or maybe he is just trying to trick me into not asking for a divorce. Maybe he can feel it coming and is just bending over backwards to be kind and accepting and easy to get along with so I won’t pull the trigger?
Seriously though, we don’t talk, we don’t hang out, and we don’t make plans to do things together. We just swap kid and house duties and generally stay out of each other’s way. This is NOT a marriage!!
BUT still I have a babysitter and someone to share the bills with and it’s not that bad. Especially when I can go do pretty much whatever I want most of the time. Should I actually leave him (or kick him out since I own the house) I am sure I would have less freedom, less money and a less kindness from him.
I guess what I am saying is I know this is going to suck and I am still not 100% convinced I should go through with it. I have no family to support me. I have no close friends to help me out. I have a few shaky relationships that I don’t really trust at this point and that is about it.
GOD I AM SICK OF FEELING ALONE!
AGAIN…HOW THE HELL DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS WHERE ALL CHOICES SUCK!?!?!
Monday, September 9, 2013
Thinking Out Loud….Keeping it Real.
1) I know that my husband means well, that he loves me and he wants me to be happy. I don’t know how to tell him what I need. I think if I could do that he would be happier knowing what to do and I would be happier too. His natural instinct of what to do is pretty off from what I need.
2) I actively seek out people to give me positive feedback so I feel worthy. I am not capable of feeling worthy on my own. I do not know how to love myself. I only know how to feel good when OTHERS are giving me love or positive attention. I only see my value as how i am of value to others.
On the flip side, I am way to easily emotionally decimated when a person I care about is mad at me or is negative to me at all.
3) Negative spirals happen in my head all the time and I can’t seem to stop them. I literally think myself into a hole all the time. I MUST learn to stop this.
4) I am a terrible communicator. I can type a memo at work that rocks, but when it comes to personal relationships I really don’t seem to ever properly convey to others how I really feel, what I really think or what I expect / need.
5) Taking that a step farther I would go so far as to say I don’t know how to connect with others therefore I always long for closer friends or more friends (better relationships). I always see other peoples bonds and wonder why I can’t have that too.
6) I have been trained to try and keep those around me happy, to not make waves, to be invisible less I get in the line of fire. As an adult, these skills are NOT working for me.
7) I can’t lose the last 5 pounds I need / want to lose because I keep numbing my mind with wine. I am now, drinking almost a whole bottle every day!
8) I really would like to be in a stable and loving relationship. BUT, I do not believe it is possible, AND even if it was, it would not last and I would lose ANOTHER loved one which would hurt so badly that I could not bear it so therefore I am probably better off to not love anyone. Then again…..the thing I want more than anything in the world is to love and feel loved!
9) I feel like I am working really hard (and have been for the past 10 years) to figure out what is wrong with me and work on it and become a better person. I also feel that NO ONE appreciates that or understands that but me. I guess it is wrong for me to expect anyone else to understand or give me credit for working so hard. In fact most people seem to think I am wasting my time and I need to “get over it”. I think that is why the blogs help….at least someone gets it. (why does that matter so much???)
10) Rocco always made me feel loved and safe…..for years. No one had ever done that before. Until he didn’t and it ruined any sense of stability in my heart and mind. (I figured out that both Rocco and his wife are triggers for me...no wonder they "scare" me!)
2) I actively seek out people to give me positive feedback so I feel worthy. I am not capable of feeling worthy on my own. I do not know how to love myself. I only know how to feel good when OTHERS are giving me love or positive attention. I only see my value as how i am of value to others.
On the flip side, I am way to easily emotionally decimated when a person I care about is mad at me or is negative to me at all.
3) Negative spirals happen in my head all the time and I can’t seem to stop them. I literally think myself into a hole all the time. I MUST learn to stop this.
4) I am a terrible communicator. I can type a memo at work that rocks, but when it comes to personal relationships I really don’t seem to ever properly convey to others how I really feel, what I really think or what I expect / need.
5) Taking that a step farther I would go so far as to say I don’t know how to connect with others therefore I always long for closer friends or more friends (better relationships). I always see other peoples bonds and wonder why I can’t have that too.
6) I have been trained to try and keep those around me happy, to not make waves, to be invisible less I get in the line of fire. As an adult, these skills are NOT working for me.
7) I can’t lose the last 5 pounds I need / want to lose because I keep numbing my mind with wine. I am now, drinking almost a whole bottle every day!
8) I really would like to be in a stable and loving relationship. BUT, I do not believe it is possible, AND even if it was, it would not last and I would lose ANOTHER loved one which would hurt so badly that I could not bear it so therefore I am probably better off to not love anyone. Then again…..the thing I want more than anything in the world is to love and feel loved!
9) I feel like I am working really hard (and have been for the past 10 years) to figure out what is wrong with me and work on it and become a better person. I also feel that NO ONE appreciates that or understands that but me. I guess it is wrong for me to expect anyone else to understand or give me credit for working so hard. In fact most people seem to think I am wasting my time and I need to “get over it”. I think that is why the blogs help….at least someone gets it. (why does that matter so much???)
10) Rocco always made me feel loved and safe…..for years. No one had ever done that before. Until he didn’t and it ruined any sense of stability in my heart and mind. (I figured out that both Rocco and his wife are triggers for me...no wonder they "scare" me!)
Monday and I Just want to quit.
Overwhelmed.
Again.
Life just keeps me spinning.
I don’t feel like anything works out right…..any one cares…..it’s all a mess and I am helpless.
There isn’t enough time for everything either. I need to read and think and write and work on my “thoughts”. But I have to go to work 40 hours a week. I have to keep up a house with a husband and small child. I have to tend to older kids when needed. I keep making time for fun, like cycling and friends but lately that is not even going well. It’s not making me feel better at all.
And school. My daughter is in a private school. They expect me to pay attention, help out, be present. I am not and I feel guilty.
I feel guilty all the time…ALL THE TIME!!
I feel angry all the time!
I don’t know what I should feel….what’s normal. I really don’t. That is so fucked up.
No wonder ALL my relationships are fucked up.
Again.
Life just keeps me spinning.
I don’t feel like anything works out right…..any one cares…..it’s all a mess and I am helpless.
There isn’t enough time for everything either. I need to read and think and write and work on my “thoughts”. But I have to go to work 40 hours a week. I have to keep up a house with a husband and small child. I have to tend to older kids when needed. I keep making time for fun, like cycling and friends but lately that is not even going well. It’s not making me feel better at all.
And school. My daughter is in a private school. They expect me to pay attention, help out, be present. I am not and I feel guilty.
I feel guilty all the time…ALL THE TIME!!
I feel angry all the time!
I don’t know what I should feel….what’s normal. I really don’t. That is so fucked up.
No wonder ALL my relationships are fucked up.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Uwe is Triggering Me
So we all know that Uwe has been unkind to me lately. That he has upset me and made me cry. Now we all know why I am so sensitive to his “rejection” because it is triggering the childhood trauma in me that feels no one will love her and people she loves keep hurting her.
I have been making it a point to stay out of harm’s way. I have not been going around him much and especially not if I sense he is spoiling for a fight. He has been better lately and I am not sure why. He of course is still blaming me for all this.
I know that George warned me that I need to think before I react. I actually did do it yesterday morning when Uwe said something unkind and I just sat there. I didn’t cry or anything. He then said “I guess that sounded mean….I was just kidding”. I think his *jokes* illustrate his low opinion of me at this point.
Then last night after our group bike ride I had planned to just go home and not stay and tailgate party in the lot with my friends mostly to avoid him. Then I remembered I had some business with Ashton. She was supposed to have brought a bike rack for me to buy for Valarie. I went over to talk to her and Uwe offered me a Limarita. I told him no thank you so he reached back in his cooler and pulls out a frozen fruity drink. Again I say no thank you and start talking to Ashton again. THEN he pulled out a pumpkin beer and offers it to me. As I was saying “now that I will take”, Bob spoke up and asked for it. He handed it to Bob and when I got his attention back I told him I WOULD take one of those. Uwe then YELLED at me that he only had one more and it was HIS (it was more words than that but I can’t recall exactly how it went). He was very dismissive (who cares what you want in his voice) and I was immediately hurt then pissed. My head felt hot and before I thought about it I flipped him the bird, said “FUCK YOU” and stormed off. Probably would have been better to dissolve into tears this time. But I am actually feeling a bit less hurt by him and more mad which is an improvement.
Being there were about 20 people watching he followed me and apologized and tried to give me his beer. (I am positive if no one was around he would not have even pretended to care.) I was feeling embarrassed and wanted to leave but assumed it might be best if I acted fine and joined the group so I did. I really just want to cry A LOT, and then disappear from the face of the earth. But instead I had to walk over to the group and play it cool.
Tater knew I had been triggered and Bob only saw Uwe follow me so later he tells me that I was totally over reacting because Uwe was obviously concerned. Of course Uwe was really pissed off and made sure to tell me later that I my behavior was very ”inappropriate”.
I was VERY upset that I had let him push my buttons and I had exploded in front of everyone. His yelling at me was not that dramatic and most people were not paying attention so now I look like the total nut job that is acting way out of line. No one knows he has been whittling away at me for months. Everyone thinks he is a super nice guy that would never be mean.
I hate hate hate feeling out of control. I hate asking him to forgive me because really no matter what he does I shouldn’t act like an ass in return. My mom always said “two wrongs don’t make a right”.
I hate feeling like I won’t be able to control myself if it happens again. I look back at last night and think all I had to do was look at him and say with confidence “Got it Uwe…you don’t need to yell at me.” And then he would have felt stupid, not me.
I am feeling very out of control here and it’s scary!
I know you will all say I need to stay away from him. Thing is I would have alter my whole schedule to avoid him and I would also have to avoid my running group and my cycling friends which is just not a viable solution. So….somehow I need to get over this but I am scared that this reaction to him is coming from such a base (instinctual) place that I won’t be able to fix it any time soon.
I have been making it a point to stay out of harm’s way. I have not been going around him much and especially not if I sense he is spoiling for a fight. He has been better lately and I am not sure why. He of course is still blaming me for all this.
I know that George warned me that I need to think before I react. I actually did do it yesterday morning when Uwe said something unkind and I just sat there. I didn’t cry or anything. He then said “I guess that sounded mean….I was just kidding”. I think his *jokes* illustrate his low opinion of me at this point.
Then last night after our group bike ride I had planned to just go home and not stay and tailgate party in the lot with my friends mostly to avoid him. Then I remembered I had some business with Ashton. She was supposed to have brought a bike rack for me to buy for Valarie. I went over to talk to her and Uwe offered me a Limarita. I told him no thank you so he reached back in his cooler and pulls out a frozen fruity drink. Again I say no thank you and start talking to Ashton again. THEN he pulled out a pumpkin beer and offers it to me. As I was saying “now that I will take”, Bob spoke up and asked for it. He handed it to Bob and when I got his attention back I told him I WOULD take one of those. Uwe then YELLED at me that he only had one more and it was HIS (it was more words than that but I can’t recall exactly how it went). He was very dismissive (who cares what you want in his voice) and I was immediately hurt then pissed. My head felt hot and before I thought about it I flipped him the bird, said “FUCK YOU” and stormed off. Probably would have been better to dissolve into tears this time. But I am actually feeling a bit less hurt by him and more mad which is an improvement.
Being there were about 20 people watching he followed me and apologized and tried to give me his beer. (I am positive if no one was around he would not have even pretended to care.) I was feeling embarrassed and wanted to leave but assumed it might be best if I acted fine and joined the group so I did. I really just want to cry A LOT, and then disappear from the face of the earth. But instead I had to walk over to the group and play it cool.
Tater knew I had been triggered and Bob only saw Uwe follow me so later he tells me that I was totally over reacting because Uwe was obviously concerned. Of course Uwe was really pissed off and made sure to tell me later that I my behavior was very ”inappropriate”.
I was VERY upset that I had let him push my buttons and I had exploded in front of everyone. His yelling at me was not that dramatic and most people were not paying attention so now I look like the total nut job that is acting way out of line. No one knows he has been whittling away at me for months. Everyone thinks he is a super nice guy that would never be mean.
I hate hate hate feeling out of control. I hate asking him to forgive me because really no matter what he does I shouldn’t act like an ass in return. My mom always said “two wrongs don’t make a right”.
I hate feeling like I won’t be able to control myself if it happens again. I look back at last night and think all I had to do was look at him and say with confidence “Got it Uwe…you don’t need to yell at me.” And then he would have felt stupid, not me.
I am feeling very out of control here and it’s scary!
I know you will all say I need to stay away from him. Thing is I would have alter my whole schedule to avoid him and I would also have to avoid my running group and my cycling friends which is just not a viable solution. So….somehow I need to get over this but I am scared that this reaction to him is coming from such a base (instinctual) place that I won’t be able to fix it any time soon.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
When People Change
One of my best friends (or so I thought) has been really hurting my feelings lately. At first I thought I was just being too sensitive but it just keeps getting worse and worse. At first it was a snide comment here and there. Then there was the getting ignored at times. Now we are fully into the “I can’t do anything right” phase. Honestly it is freaking me out. I have never known a person to change so much on me.
The hard part for me is that I miss my old friend; the one that was nice to me and made me feel accepted and loved. The asshole that inhabits his body now is like a stranger to me. I just don’t get it. I can only assume this is more the real person and the other guy was the put on face for the public and new people. You know what I mean, how people are so friendly and nice when they first meet you, on their best behavior and then later, when they are more relaxed around you their real personality comes out .
This morning it happened again. I did nothing wrong but what I did made him angry and he yelled at me and I cried which only made him more mad.
I need to get away from him. I feel like the more I am around him the less patient he becomes with me. I have even suggested we talk about it. I got no response. I suggested I should leave him alone and he said he didn’t understand why I was behaving this way. I really don’t mind if he needs space just say so but when I try to give him more space he gets angry that I am ignoring him or being distant. (See I can’t do anything right.)
He even alluded to the fact that I have changed and when I tried to get him to explain more fully, guess what? YES…he ignored me.
I really am starting to have a complex! It seems to me that people always turn on me and also decide not to talk to me about it. I swear it hasn’t always been this way. For most of my life I have had normal friends and normal relationships where people communicated with me in an honest and respectful way.
When talking to George one time he mentioned that he thought that I was attracted to my husband because he was distant like my father. I can see how he might put that together. But here is the thing……Rocco was NOT distant at all, we were really really close for the first 3 years and I LOVED IT. I never set out to be in a relationship with someone who was cold and distant. I just got stuck with it and I would have never signed up for it even before I was pregnant but he was pretending to be someone he is not when I met him.
Furthermore, the other day husband said we could switch sides of the bed if I wanted. I said “hold up buddy!” When we were dating he told me he MUST sleep on the right side of the bed. So that is where he lays to this day. I explained that he could not change that because I was already miffed at all the changes he made since we first met. He acted offended at my comments. This is a man that has flat out told me word for word that dating is a process of pretending to be someone you are not. GEEZ!
The hard part for me is that I miss my old friend; the one that was nice to me and made me feel accepted and loved. The asshole that inhabits his body now is like a stranger to me. I just don’t get it. I can only assume this is more the real person and the other guy was the put on face for the public and new people. You know what I mean, how people are so friendly and nice when they first meet you, on their best behavior and then later, when they are more relaxed around you their real personality comes out .
This morning it happened again. I did nothing wrong but what I did made him angry and he yelled at me and I cried which only made him more mad.
I need to get away from him. I feel like the more I am around him the less patient he becomes with me. I have even suggested we talk about it. I got no response. I suggested I should leave him alone and he said he didn’t understand why I was behaving this way. I really don’t mind if he needs space just say so but when I try to give him more space he gets angry that I am ignoring him or being distant. (See I can’t do anything right.)
He even alluded to the fact that I have changed and when I tried to get him to explain more fully, guess what? YES…he ignored me.
I really am starting to have a complex! It seems to me that people always turn on me and also decide not to talk to me about it. I swear it hasn’t always been this way. For most of my life I have had normal friends and normal relationships where people communicated with me in an honest and respectful way.
When talking to George one time he mentioned that he thought that I was attracted to my husband because he was distant like my father. I can see how he might put that together. But here is the thing……Rocco was NOT distant at all, we were really really close for the first 3 years and I LOVED IT. I never set out to be in a relationship with someone who was cold and distant. I just got stuck with it and I would have never signed up for it even before I was pregnant but he was pretending to be someone he is not when I met him.
Furthermore, the other day husband said we could switch sides of the bed if I wanted. I said “hold up buddy!” When we were dating he told me he MUST sleep on the right side of the bed. So that is where he lays to this day. I explained that he could not change that because I was already miffed at all the changes he made since we first met. He acted offended at my comments. This is a man that has flat out told me word for word that dating is a process of pretending to be someone you are not. GEEZ!
Friday, May 17, 2013
Taking The Bull by The Horns
Last night I thought long and hard about what George and I had discussed. I thought about contacting Rocco to discuss how his return to town was going to play out. (I know both Rocco and his wife are thinking about running into me too.)
Then I decided it would be best to just talk to wife…..not Rocco. A few years back, I corresponded with her often via email and I feel like it would be more appropriate to talk to her since I don’t want anyone to think I am after Rocco or something. Besides, I know he is super busy at work and really doesn’t have the time or interest in dealing with me.
So this morning when I got to work I sent her this email:
“Hey, I heard you guys are moving back to town. I hope we can be friends and everything is cool?!?!?! You’re thoughts?”
Her response:
“Hi. Yep, moving back. I have mixed feeling on this move. I am VERY excited to be near my family, especially my sister, but I absolutely hate leaving my life and friends here. I suppose the friend’s part is totally up to you. I would love to have a girlfriend there to occasionally bike with, but I am not planning on coming back and trying to invade your space or horn in on your life or friendships. I know that it will probably be tough since we both like doing the same things and we may see each other occasionally, but we can make it work if you would prefer to just be acquaintances. You know, sometimes, I really miss just shooting the shit with you while we are both at work. Sometimes. ;)”
If I am to be completely honest here…..if I were to remove her from the circumstances and just consider her as a person (not Rocco’s pick over me), I think she is pretty nice. We do have a lot in common. (however a lot of that has to do with our relationship with Rocco. She took up cycling after she started dating him just like I did.)
I told her I was cool with being friends (we are now Facebook friends too) and that I wanted to let her know that so there would be no concerns.
I just realized that I had no other options….so I decided to be the big person and extend the olive branch. I’m not going to take them home baked cookies as soon as they move back or anything. (In fact I asked her where they were planning on living and she didn’t give me a straight answer.) BUT, for the moment, I am going to consider the issue closed; hope that I really don’t run into them ....much.... but should I run into them I will be cool and friendly and know that I already set the stage for things to be “chill”.
Friday, May 3, 2013
He Thinks I have Anxiety Issues
I got home around 6 pm and Husband was hauling groceries into the house. (Early for him to be home.) I was wiped out from all the driving and 3 hours of talking in a big room with lots of people; all the while trying to rein in a 5 year old that was low on sleep and high on silliness.
After we put the groceries away husband was all eager to talk. I found this odd but whatever. He asked how the visit went and I told him a few things. He hung around and acted interested in talking MORE (it was raining outside) so we continued to chat.
He asked me why I don’t meditate and suggested that maybe some ADD meds would help. I told him how meds fix one problem but create others. Besides, ADD is not the problem, time is. He then wondered if I just always keep myself too busy to relax. I explained that if I quit running and biking I would have spare time. I used to. I used to sit and read or enjoy my morning coffee on the porch. Both these things were when I had no small children around and no time consuming hobbies to speak of.
At some point he started telling me about when his ex wife first left him and he went to therapy and got on meds. This is something personal about his past and he rarely talks about anything personal or past!
I decided to share with him how I am very nervous to make new friends and fit in at Beanie’s new “fancy” school next fall. He told me I try too hard and come across as desperate to fit in. I guess I am desperate and it is obvious. I don’t know how to be cool. He thinks I need anxiety meds. I don’t think meds are good for ME, but I will look into anxiety issues more.
I also told him how I feel like all the other mothers at Beanies current school are fairly close and I don’t even know how they develop these relationships given all we do is drop off and pick up a kid at the same location. How do they all know who I am and I don’t know who they are. Even the parents with kids in the younger classes seem to know my name. His response to this “you think like an Engineer”. Well I know I do, both my parents are retired engineers. That doesn’t do anything to help me understand what is different. (Feeling hopeless again.)
He also (and is this HUGE) brought up a fight we had in August of 2006 when we were dating and on vacation in Colorado. While buying supplies at the grocery store in town (we were camping) he picked up a small bag of M&Ms at the checkout. I saw him getting M&M and said I wanted some too. I knew his would look good so I figured I should just get some for myself rather than expect him to share. He got angry and didn’t speak to me for a long time. I mean like hours or it might have been longer. (long time ago so details are foggy.) I never understood what the hell was his deal or what exactly pissed him off so much. He never would tell me.
(I should have dumped him right there and then but I didn’t * sigh*.)
So he finally told me (almost 7 years later) that he was angry that I was copying him and that he is fiercely independent and I am so needy. Or something to that effect. I was being too comfortable for him I guess.
As we stood in the kitchen I could feel my nose turning red as the tears started to well up. I controlled it because I know how he hates it if I get emotional. I told him that mirroring people is a technique that is actually supposed to make people like you. (Not that I was actually thinking that at the time. At the time I just thought M&Ms sounded like a good idea.)
I told him I got my own to be nice so I would not ask for some of his and ….even more important….it was just a freakin’ bag of candy!
He reiterated again that he is fiercely independent.
We talked about a lot more and unfortunately, I couldn’t just get up Saturday morning and write it all down. Wish I had….there was tons of good stuff in there. This is what stuck and what seems relevant.
Mostly Friday night I felt thrilled that he had finally, finally had a real conversation with me. That we interacted like close friends or people that have a real emotional relationship. You know….sharing feeling and thoughts not just exchanging information.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Depression and Compassion
All weekend I have been depressed. All weekend I have just felt so lost and empty; that the world is too much, that it is all too hard. I found myself praying that I would not wakeup in the morning which is something I have not done in a long time.
Husband was nice this weekend….for the most part…..this time it isn’t his fault that I am down. No, actually it is the combination of the school shooting in Connecticut, my own teenagers acting like fools, Christmas time of the year and my propensity to be self loathing when I feel that I am not the best person I can be. I’m feeling extremely self critical. And, in order to combat this depression I drank too much wine….so now I can feel crappy about that too.
When you have a child you experience a bond that is on a deeper level than any other bond. All you parents out there know what I am talking about. I am sure, to a large extent; this is Mother Nature’s way of ensuring we care for our offspring so our species will continue to thrive. But still it is a real emotion and we all feel it. You have a baby and the world changes…your focus changes and in so many ways you put them before you. You would do almost anything to ensure they are happy, healthy and grow up to be productive decent citizens. This devotion also has an emotional price because if anything should happen to your child you will be devastated.
My first born didn’t make it. He is spending 15-20 years in prison. I failed at raising him to be a happy, healthy productive decent citizen. As a mother it hurts…..to the bottom of my heart it hurts. It hurts to see his life like this and it hurts because I feel I should have done better. I should have saved him.
Add to that the fact that when his “life” ended it was one week before Christmas and that has forever left a bad taste in my mouth for Christmas. I will always associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow. And now 28 families in CT….hell the whole town…..will also associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow.
I know how quickly life can change. I know what it is like to have to get rid of all your child’s belongings because they won’t be coming home. I know what those families are going through and my heart aches for them. So much so that I can’t shake this deep despair that has sunk in and the more the news coverage goes on and on the worse it gets. I have got to stop turning on the radio and the TV.
As a bonus this Christmas, Monster and Ramone are teenagers, nineteen and seventeen years old. They are at the age where they can and probably will make life altering mistakes. They are also getting too old for me to *make* them do the right thing. All I can do is offer advice and hope they listen while I stand by holding my breath and hoping they will be lucky enough to not really fuck up their whole lives. I am scared to death for them because I know they don’t get it and by the time they do it might just be too late.
Saturday night Monster called me (wait it was Sunday morning at 3 am) with some very lame stuff that he was upset about. He told me he was in a fight and I could tell he had been driving drunk. I am so scared for these kids I can’t sleep!
Another thing that has me stewing is the fact that the gun enthusiast are using this as an occasion to push for MORE guns; which seems like a ridiculous idea to me. I am not blaming guns for what happened because I do believe that people kill people not guns. But a gun did make it easier for this mad man to kill MORE people…..so gun restrictions make more sense to me. You will never convince me that arming teachers will make schools safer. That is just plain nuts.
Then there are the people who are saying that we have turned our backs on God and that is why this has happened. To them I say……because no Godly person ever goes nuts?.....because people can’t be decent human beings without God?....because all morality is rooted in the bible? I guess I am just offended that so many people seem to think that you can’t be a good person unless you believe in their God; especially since I seem to see so many cold hearted hateful things coming from people in the name of religion. I am not trying to bash God or say that all religious people are hateful just that it is not the miracle cure we are in need of. It is just not that simple. More wars have been fought and more people killed in the name of God….so don’t tell me that God is the solution to violence.
Last but not least, there are the political views that are also getting pushed using this shooting as an opportunity. Shame on you all for taking such a terrible tragedy and trying to turn it into your chance to push your political beliefs on others.
I don’t have the answers and I understand that emotions are high right now in all of the camps. But, what I really would like to see is compassion for ALL involved. And for more people to say “what can I do to make the world a better place….how can I help?” The real question is how are we as a society not helping these people who most obviously are not OK. It’s about mental health and how we are falling short in the care of those in need.
And one more thing….school are still safe. The odds of your kid getting shot at school are like infinitesimal. STOP freaking out! I don’t want our kids locked in….I don’t want armed guards. There has got to be a better way!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Type A personality with control issues!
Lately I have noticed that anxiety is a huge part of my life and a huge thing that I “deal” with all the time. I guess I just never realized it before because I am me and this is who I have always been. I am just used to it. It never really occurred to me before that most people don’t stress out….A LOT (like I do) if they have to wait in line to check out or look for an item in a unfamiliar store….or shop a very crowded store or get stuck in traffic. I guess waiting and lack of control just eat at me. Type A much???
So this weekend…..another huge anxiety issue added to my plate. Background; we live just outside of town on 20 wooded acres. On the way into town we pass the only independent school in town. It is fairly new and we have heard great things about it. Some of my friends have kids that go there and they all rave about how great it is. They all LOVE it.
There is also a catholic school in town and then of course the normal public schools but that is about all the options. Thanks to our odd location (not) in town, we are assigned to go to the worst elementary school in our district. It is old and full of VERY low income families. I, of course want my daughter to have the best education possible so a few years ago we decided we would pay the EXTREME amount of money required to send our daughter to the private independent school (IS). After all, it’s on the way to town so how convenient.
Last year I called the IS and asked about admissions. They advised that they offer a pre-K class and I passed on that option. My daughter’s current pre-K class is great. She loves her friends and we all love her teachers and it is half the price of the IS pre-K class.
So today, the IS had an open house and I found out that there will only be about 8 opening for the kindergarten class I have been planning to send my daughter to because, of course, the pre-K kids get first dibs. Duh; I should have been smart enough to realize that last year and signed her up. I am now having huge anxiety issues that I effed this deal up royally. That I am letting down my family; that I am an idiot and I missed my chance. Missed chances keep me awake at night….OFTEN!
For next school year we must apply, be screened and interviewed. Eight lucky kids will be selected from 20-50 applicants depending on who you talk to. Adding to my anxiety that we won’t make the cut is the fact that this school is more likely to select kids that will enhance diversity or add something unique to their school. WE are just regular, white middle class folks and I fear we will not be as “interesting” as many of the other applicants. I am stressing out here….I have NO backup plan!
So to sum it up……I am now freaking out that our daughter will not get into this school that we all have our hearts set on!! Panic has set in and I am totally feeling, like my life is in the balance until next April when we will find out if she is accepted or not. I am literally sick to my stomach!
Please note that in the last year I have had several well meaning people (obviously ignorant to the situation) tell me that they felt that getting accepted to the IS was not hard and I would be fine so I was not aware of my chances until today. One person told me as long as I was willing to pay they would take me. I now know they were wrong.
UGH!! Stressing. Did I tell you I have no backup plan? I so want Bean to go to this amazing independent school where kids are expected to excel and 100% of the graduates go on to college. I have my heart set on it, especially after attending the open house today. Beanie loved it so much so that it was hard to get her to leave after we had been there for hours meeting people and touring the classes. She loves it too!
And of course, because I am so confident in how my life ALWAYS works out, I am already convinced that we won’t make the cut, that I will hate which ever school she ends up in and I will drive by the IS daily on my way into town next year feeling rejected and sad that we can’t be included.
Basically I know I have such bad luck that I am already resolving myself to the fact that we are not going to be chosen and I will be crying about the rejection for some time to come.
Glimmer of hope….I was told they can put us on the waiting list but with limited class sizes there is no telling when, if ever, we would even get an opening.
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