Part 1 & 2 Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family (DF)
- Focusses its attention of an emotionally needy family member.
- Places limits on the expression of feelings. “when this person is happy the child thinks he is happy. When this person is sad, the child feels sad. The child learns to live through the feeling of other people.”
- Discourages open talk about obvious problems.
- Permits destructive roles for the children in the family.
- Fails to provide appropriate nurture for the developing children.
- Is closed to the outside world.
Did your FOO display dysfunctional characteristics?
My father was selfish and moody. He had no patience for kids at all. He frequently lashed out at us physically frequently. He controlled the family with fear. As I child I was confident that one day he would beat me to death. We all lived to appease him including my mom. We walked on egg shells.
My mother was a door mat, a martyr and codependent. She would tell us how much of a burden we were. She trained us not to upset my father. In hind sight, seeing her except his abuse taught me to accept abuse and it caused me to lack respect for her.
Later when I was a teen, they were both absent so I had no parents.
Did your family focus attention on one or more emotionally needy family members?
Both my parents were needy in different ways. My father demanded respect and for us to never upset him. We were not allowed to say “No” or talk while he was watching TV. My mother wanted everyone to feel sorry for her. She was the perpetual victim.
NOTE: In her defense, my father left her for another woman when I was about 10 which unfortunately coincided with the death of her mother and menopause. It is no wonder she was a mess. I think Valium was the only reason she made it.
Did your family place limits on the expressions of feelings?
We were not allowed to have feelings or needs. We were just there to be quiet and not upset anyone. I wasn’t told my feelings didn’t matter. I was told they didn’t exist. “you’re just a kid…you don’t have any problems.” I was only appreciated when I was helpful or “good”.
I remember pushing my feelings down and working hard to not focus on them. To go outside and watch the birds so I didn’t feel anything.
Which of the following dysfunctional characteristics did your family have?
- Discourages open talk about obvious problems. Open honest talk was discouraged. Adults and children didn’t really interact much. Kids were lower class citizens with no rights. “seen but not heard”
- Permits destructive roles for the children. Taught to except people treating us with no respect. Taught to forgo our needs to keep others happy.
- Fails to provide appropriate nurture. Neither parent had a nurturing bone in their body.
- Closed to the outside world. I don’t really remember feeling closed off to the outside world. Then again my parents didn’t have a lot of friends or social activities. I never had friends sleep over…maybe it wasn’t a thing back then.
What was your role in the family?
I don’t feel that I had a role. Up until my father left I was expected to do whatever I could to promote the peace and not get in trouble. After my father left we had no family. Sometimes I was expected to watch my little brother. A job I didn’t care for and didn’t do well. Around the time of the divorce my mother looked to me for comfort. As a child I didn’t appreciated her “leaning” on me for support. In hind sight, I think I wanted her to be strong and parent the family but instead she just wallowed in self pitty.
Were children in your family nurtured?
I am not even sure that I know what that is.
Was your family open to the outside world?
I could have friends over once I had proper permission.
I don’t think my parents were concerned about what other people thought. I believe they thought they were good responsible parents.
Is your FOO still displaying these traits?
Pop is dead but he died with all his kids estranged from him. My mother and I rarely talk. She doesn’t want to. My brothers and I struggle to maintain a relationship. My sister has been outcast from the family.
Part 3 Losing Self-esteem in a DF
DF tear down self-esteem by:
- teaching children that their feelings are not important.
- Because family members lose perspective on what is normal.
- Failing to develop a strategy of problem solving for relational and emotional issues.
- Permitting unhealthy survival roles
- Failing to nurture on another
Tell a story about your FOO that damaged your self-esteem.
I can’t recall a particular incident. However, as an adult, I have come to realize that many of the things that happened to me as a child were not OK. I was trained to keep the peace at all cost putting others needs before my own. I never learned to relate to people properly. I have always felt that if I am less than perfect I am not good enough. I am overly self-conscious.
What is your shame?
I am ashamed that I am not better; that I can’t be happier and healthier no matter how much I try. I feel that I have failed my children despite my best efforts to do better than my parents did. I feel most people don’t like me or respect me.
Part 4 Finding Self-esteem in Christ
They pretty much lose me here. I can’t make sense of all the bible talk; the lingo trips me up. I used to attend the catholic church weekly and I enjoyed it but I have never been a big “God” person. I tend to feel most comfortable with Buddhism and can’t really get behind the omnipotent invisible being that seems to be the focus of Christianity. I am hoping the class doesn’t get VERY religious on me and that I can translate the “spiritual” concepts to a language I understand.
Part 5 Getting in Touch with Your Feelings
Adult children have trouble identifying feelings because:
- You learned to live on someone else’s feeling rather than your own.
- Your family discouraged the expression of feelings.
- You were taught certain feelings were not acceptable.
- You may be a victim of chronic-shock syndrome. (the book defines this as an emotional shut down due to overly intense emotions) I think some people refer to this when they say they have PTSD from childhood tramas.
Why you need to share your feelings: Feelings demand expression. Feeling held inside will find a way out. They may come out through behaviors or illness.
Methods used to stay OUT OF TOUCH with your feelings:
- Intellectualizing
- Minimizing
- Denial
- Isolating
- Engage in physical activity to hold back feelings
- Focus on others’ feelings
Which of the above do you use most frequently to avoid your feelings?
I, of course, use all of the above. I do not like my feelings. I don’t want my feelings (except the pleasant ones). I have spent a lot of time in the past few years even trying to figure out what I am feeling. This is a problem for me...so much so that I skipped this section when I first did my prep for the first class.
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The next section spells out all the rules for the group. I feel a little bristly at all the rules. I guess I don’t like being told what to do!! HA
Some additional questions they tacked on at the end
Why are you participating in this group?
No matter what I do I can’t seem to have healthy normal relationships. No matter how much I read, attend therapy, take meds, etc. Nothing gets better.
What was it like to grow up in your family? Tell of an incident.
I don’t really have one. All I know is until I was 10 we lived in fear of my father then he left and my mother checked out and I was alone. I never had a family. And as an adult I have never been able to manage to have one either. Even though I want it more than anything in the world. As a child I used to be so envious of the children in the Walton family…the old TV show the Walton’s.
What are your goals with this group?
Anything that might make life better. Any insight in how I can improve.
