Emotional Manipulation

Beanie's father sent me this email:

"I’m so proud of her! J

I’m so thankful that she seems to be surviving all this alright.  Lately she has been better at communicating her apprehensions and sadness…..which, I guess, is a good thing….even if its hard to hear."

The first comment is about her report card....I am proud too, she is doing GREAT in school.  The second comment threw me into a panic.

I responded to his message wanting more details and this is what he said:

"When she talks about how the divorce makes her sad and upsets her." 

 

She NEVER acts sad or upset when she is here.  She never even brings up the divorce.  She seems like a normal, happy 7 year old.  Even Lauren (JDK's best friend and Beanies "aunt") said she was doing remarkably fine and not having issues.  So what the hell is he talking about?

 

I begged him for details of what she said and he back peddled saying she was fine and doing well, etc.

 

Seriously I was physically ill thinking he is fucking with her emotions!

 

Naturally, I assume, that he is some how provoking these conversations.  I mean he always tried to manipulate me and our conversations.  He is an emotionally manipulative asshole!

 

I told him to stop manipulating her!  Which of course really pissed him off.  Because you know, he is the victim in all this and I am the outrageous and unreasonable one and he is just trying to please everyone....etc. etc.

 

So he went off on me....we had a nice email fight.

 

Thursday night I have Beanie and Friday was a day off school, so contrary to how I normally operate I brought up the divorce and asked her to discuss it.  I felt I owed it to her to investigate what the hell he was up to. 

 

She acted apprehensive at first but she told me that Daddy often tells her how sad he is and how much he misses me and how much he wishes we never got divorced.  She said he tells her all the time about how all he did to the house was for me, to make me happy.  Basically, as best I can tell, he is painting this picture for her of how he was "devoted" to me, loved me and tried to please me yet I left him and now he is crushed. 

 

I told her, in my best "explaining to a child lingo" that I loved Daddy too but our relationship was always hard for me because he was not a good friend to me....that things were not fair.  That he hurt my feelings and made me sad. 

 

She asked me why I didn't sleep with him.  I didn't understand at first, so she explained that before I moved out of the house I lived in the basement and that it made daddy sad.   I told her that he asked me to move downstairs and that it wasn't against his will.  She paused and said "do you think daddy would lie to me?".  I told her yes.  She paused for a moment and said she agreed. 

 

I really do think she is trying to judge who is being real and who is lying.  

 

I HATE that he started this.  I hate that she has to think about this stuff.  I wish he would just let it go.

 

Friday night she went back to his house.  They obviously talked some more because he sent me shitty text massages about how I make him sick!

 

I told him that I only spoke the truth to her and that he started the dialog.  I told him I DO NOT WANT HER IN THE MIDDLE!!  I told him to never speak of me to her.  He said "I only speak good of you which is obviously not what you do of me!" 

 

I hate how he turns it all into me being the bad guy!

 

Why in the hell can he do this to her?   What is wrong with people?   Why play mind games with a 7 year old?!?!?!?

 

Seriously if he doesn't knock it off I will just try to limit his exposure to her....I will try to keep her away from him.

 

I am emotionally sick...this is NOT what I wanted her life to be like.  

 

I know he is reacting to me moving in with Kevin by starting all this.

 

Why are people so shitty?

 

What should I do?

 

 

 

1/2 Marathon

Every year I sign up for a few half marathons because it motivates me to keep running and not skip my runs even when the weather is terrible.  It also motivates me to keep my mileage up. 

I am not a great runner and I am certainly not fast.  Here lately I am running about a 10 minute average.  I am still struggling with some breathing issues too.  I sign up for the races knowing I won't win anything except the satisfaction of doing them well (or not so well).

So this spring I already signed up for my favorite early spring half.  It is in a small town located about one hour from here.  It is a charity event for a friend of mine.  It is low key and rather inexpensive.  It is also in the town that Roslyn (ex husbands GF) lives in.   I know she will be there because she helps put on the event.  I already did the mental math and decided it was not big deal.  I can handle "seeing" her there.

Usually a small group of us carpool to the small town an hour away.  We run the race in the morning then dine at a local Mexican restaurant for lunch before heading home.  Last year I skipped the race because I was too overwhelmed with moving, or maybe it was the weather.  I cant recall now.

The last few weeks I have been very purposefully running more to ramp up my training for this March 21st race.  Kevin hasn't signed up cause "its too cold" for him to run outside and he doesn't have a gym membership.  He's pretty out of shape at this point.

So, I paid my fee and mailed it off, put the race on the calendar and have been rather looking forward to it.  It is motivating me just like it is supposed to.  I am sure Kevin will tag along to cheer me on which will be fun.

Then, I happen to mention I was again going to this race to my ex-husband.  He responded by telling me that he too was going to race it.  In fact, his old adventure racing buddy and his wife would be there too because they are doing it for a little spring race challenge, just for fun.   They are all excellent runners.  XH went to college on a running scholarship.  He is without a doubt the most beautiful and gifted runner I have ever personally met.

I have known ex husband since spring of 2006.  In that time he has NEVER, not once, done a 1/2 marathon or any other running race that I can recall.  He does adventure races and boat races but he hasn't done running races since college.

I asked him who was going to watch Beanie while he raced.  He told me he didn't have a plan yet.  (The race is during his scheduled visitation.) I know he was just going to leave her with Roslyn at the race start but he didn't want to tell me.

So now the mental math adds up to NO I don't want to see him and his buddies and his girlfriend all being chummy.  No I don't want to deal with the feeling it will stir up in me.  No I won't be going. 

AND he even told me he wants me to go so he can see me.  He is obviously out of his mind.  Like it would be fun to chum around with him and his friends that don't like me and feel that I fucked him over by cheating on him and leaving our marriage.  Like I want to see his GF watch my child so he can race.  Like I want to be there when he gets an award while is GF watches on beaming with pride.

No I won't be going.

And I am sad and disappointed and quite frankly pissed.  It's not fair that I have to change my normal habit so he can do something out of the ordinary.

I did tell him I would be keeping our daughter and he can have her Sunday instead.  Basically swapping days.  Knowing she isn't hanging out with them will make me feel a little bit better.

Why does it always seem that I end up having to change MY plans so I don't have to deal with an ex friend, husband or whatever who is acting like and ass?

Why Can't I Just Get Over It?

Tuesday Kevin took the day off.  While I worked in the morning he did some projects around the house and when I got off work around noon we did a fast 6.5 mile run together.  He is a much faster runner than I am so I sucked wind to try and keep up.  My lungs are still not right after that cold I had last winter.  I used my inhaler but still struggled.  However, I still think it is good for me to push myself like that.

At 3:30 I picked up my daughter from school as usual.  We came home and got her homework done quickly so we could go over to Kevin's and work on the puzzle.  I was in a very good mood.

Then I mentioned that we should give her father a calendar that I had laying around.  She told me she had a puppy calendar at her Dad's house and they didn't need it.  She told me that Roslyn's MOM gave it to her.  I told her I didn't know she had gone to Roslyn's family Christmas and she said she didn't because she was with me but her Dad did.  So.....he was included in there family Christmas....they must be pretty serious for her to invite him and for him to attend the WHOLE family thing.

I am not proud of how I handled this news.  It felt like a punch in the gut.  I KNOW I shouldn't give a crap about what he does yet still it hurts.  I just can't seem to detach emotionally.  I can't seem to reconcile how he is with her and how he was with me.  I can't trust that he sucks.  Why is he so hot to get into another committed relationship when the whole time we were married he just had to fight being committed?  UGH

I then proceeded to stay home and sulk all night.  I was upset and didn't feel like doing anything.  I read Chump Lady http://www.chumplady.com/2013/06/the-fear-that-theyre-going-to-be-better-for-someone-else/ and drank beer while Beanie watched our new Simpson's DVDs.  I ate shitty food and busted my calorie count.  I just wilted.

Wednesday morning I was still in a funk and it was about 5 degrees outside so I dropped my daughter off at school, came home and moped the rest of the day.  That's right....I spent the whole day wallowing around the house doing nothing but feeling depressed and crappy.  I didn't work out.  I didn't eat right.  I SUCK!

This morning I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the barn to get a few things done.  I made it to the gym by 10:30 and did my Body Pump class.  I said hi to Sharon, my new friend at the gym.  I then ran a quick 5k on the treadmill because of the negative wind chill factors.  I felt pretty good on the treadmill and it didn't seem too awful bad.  Back home I weighed in at 136 which certainly perked me up.

I need to figure out how to stop this cycle of feeling hurt by him when he is just going about his life at this point and it has nothing to do with me.  I hate feeling that I still give him the power to emotionally crush me.

Why can't I just get over it? 

Motives

Husband has been really sweet and kind...even reaching out to me. I have cried more than once because it is rather cruel at this point to finally start acting like he cares.

This morning we talked on the phone for a while. To make a long story short (I have a court date on Monday to finalize our divorce) I ,in a round about way (cause it is impossible for us to really talk), offered to postpone this court date and he then got "overwhelmed" and then needed to go quickly. I hung up and it all became clear to me. He has been giving and kind because he knows that his obligation is about over. It is easy to say the right thing and be that "nice" guy when you are putting it on for show and you know it is temporary.

I suspect that if I dumped Kevin and postponed the divorce his "I am so in love with you and this breaks my heart" message would suddenly be very different.

All the whining and crying about how he doesn't want the divorce and he still loves me are all just for show. He really does want the divorce (he could stop me if he was sincere) but he wants it to appear that he went down kicking and screaming.  He wants to be the victim.  He wants to make this all my fault.

I believe that as I have shown more and more resolve that it was over he felt more comfortable playing the victim in all this. If he wants the divorce yet I am the one that actually makes it happen he can profess for the rest of his life it was not what he wanted yet still get what he really wanted. He is doing it all for show and so that in the long run he won't look like the bad guy.

The reality is that he married a women he did not love and respect. He used her and took advantage of her as long as she would tolerate it. When she finally realized she needed to save herself and left the marriage and he felt confident she would go through with it, then, AND ONLY THEN, did he start acting like he was hurt and she was breaking his heart. He did this to make her feel guilty and to make himself feel vindicated of all wrong doing.

No he didn't use me and disrespect me for years.  No, I cheated on him and left him for another man and divorced him against his protesting and broke his heart. Poor sausage, I was so awful to him. I am a mean selfish person pushing my selfish agenda on him and tearing apart his little family he loved so much.  Boo-hoo.

I swear he can make ANY situation into a "poor me" story. Manipulative fucktard.

Chump No More

Yesterday I didn’t talk to the STBX at all. That is good.

Last night I was tired but I felt calm and like my head was on straight. Not talking to him is very good for me. I know this.

Divorce is hard and sad and I would not be human if I didn’t have feeling for him. But I need to keep my perspective straight here and not let him confuse me. I always feel BETTER when he is not around!

Still, I keep thinking about everything.
I keep searching for the place that my mind will land and feel that things are right. I have to find my own peace in my mind and heart.
It is really easy to go back in my memory bank and find a memory that makes me realize what a total dick my husband is; TOO EASY. Yet I think that is what I must do right now. Instead of thinking OMG maybe he has changed and I can finally have my chance at a REAL marriage with him. Instead of fantasizing about what might be or could be I need to keep in mind ALL the real things he has done in the last 8 years.

Yes, there were some good times. There were even some great times. BUT there were many, many crappy times too. Shitty things he did that really, no matter what his excuse is now, are not anything anyone should EVER do to another person, especially one they claim to love.

Here are some of my thoughts from today that help give me clarity:

It was late December when we first talked about getting divorced. His very first reaction was to pull his ring off and throw it down and declare “fine, I will start dating”. Now I ask you, is this what a spouse that is truly in love with you would respond with? No I think not.

Then he kicked me out of the bedroom (which was fine with me). During the next few months I was living in the basement, not once did he ever come to my room and want to talk, or beg for a hug or anything. I am POSITIVE if my sig other that I supposedly loved was leaving me and was still in the house where I could go and talk to them. I would have eventually at some point ventured in there and made a scene...out of desperation and heart ache.  You know what I mean.

Then after I found a place to move, I started packing. There were a few of my decorative items on the walls and throughout the house that I wanted to keep so I packed them. (Most of it was his because he always wanted things to be HIS way.) I then did some rearranging to fill the gaps, which of course didn’t suit him so he went to the store and purchased a bunch of new things to decorate with. I took one look at some of the items he had picked and where he put then and thought YUCK! I then, feeling that the poor guy just needed some help, (I was an art major at one time) offered to help him decorate. He enthusiastically accepted. I then did some more shopping and rearranging and it turned out really nice. I was impressed at how good the house looked. He paid for all that I bought and returned much of what he purchased. Heck he even fussed over me leaving the curtains in the basement.

Now this is all my long explanation to state that he was overly concerned with the house looking good which I found weird. I mean we never had company and who cares about the basement, etc.  And in my mind a grieving spouse would not be in high decoration mode. No no, they would be in bed crying or at least so depressed that they didn’t feel up to decorating yet. 

Anyhow, once he confessed to his 3 months of dating Roslyn I started thinking back and I remember about the time they started dating because he didn’t come home one night and he also did some other hanky things. I connected the dots after I found out about her.

The point of the story is this..... I helped him decorate the house so the new GF (that he was already dating at the time) would be impressed with his décor and so the minute I left, she could be invited over.

During the first month they were dating (March & April) husband told me he was too busy at work to talk and had lots of excuses to keep me away from him. I now realize this was so he could “date” her and not have me interrupt.

BUT NOW, I am all he wants and he wants to fix our marriage. And he has not offered to dump the GF or asked me to dump Kevin. No this is his offer word for word:

“It’s not something that I think that either of us is comfortable believing in or committing to yet. We need a little time. We need to spend some time together...to even determine if we even CAN both commit to getting back together. If either of us isn’t committed….it will fail for sure. If you want to try. Lets spend some time together and see if we can get to a starting point. And start again….. we would actually start from a loving place where we both really choose to be together.”
He considers this him begging for another chance!!

And the real kicker is this….when he and I first started dating back in June of 2006, he was already dating another women (who was married) and he cheated on both of us until after I was pregnant and caught them IN BED together and that is when the truth came out. So for about 11 months he happily dated both of us at the same time and kept it under wraps. All the while telling us both he loved us. Add to that the fact that since then he has told me repeatedly that he did NOT love me.

Point is, the man is a piece of shit and I should sign the fucking papers and never look back and just be happy that this chapter of my life is closed. I need to be glad that he gave me a beautiful daughter and fat bank account (I saved up money when he was helping with the bills).

I need to look at it as a learning experience because I have learned a lot. I will never put up with ANYONE ever being so shitty to me again. I have already put my foot down more with Kevin than I ever did with Husband and you know what, he respects me and loves me and cares how I feel and what I think.

Rant OVER!  :)

PS - the sun is finally out today and I know that is making everyone feel better.

HE DRIVES ME NUTS

I know it will come as no surprise but the STBX husband is making me nuts.

Monday – “I want to be friends….I want something positive to come out of this pile of shit marriage we created.” He was actually being communicative and “normal” for a change.

Tuesday – “we want the same things we could still turn it round. Let’s give it another chance.”

Wednesday – sulking, hand ringing, won’t talk, no eye contact, super bad vibe.

Thursday - mean, prickly, pushy, jerky, asshole.

Friday – sad, needy, clingy, begging, clingy.

I get that this is hard and I can’t really be critical that he is moody…..I mean divorce sucks and he has every right to be moody. But OMG it wears me out. Although he has always been unpredictable one thing was for sure I could count on him to be distant emotionally. Now he is just all over the map. I actually liked him on Mon/Tues and thought we were relating to each other on a more “real” level than is normal. Then he was back to his old self by Wed. This morning we talked about it which wasn’t fun but it was good for him. He was acting emotional…..and it felt like an act to me. He says he has always been taught to keep his feeling to himself so as not to burden others. I told him that real relationships are not about hiding ones feelings. I think he is FINALLY starting to understand that. GEEZ!!

Then he drops the bomb on me that he expects me to watch our daughter basically all weekend because he has all these plans. Plans he never told me about until this morning when he assumed I would be ready to take her at noon on Saturday. He did tell me he had plans for Saturday and Sunday evening and I was prepared to cover that as well as all day Sunday but I have plans for Saturday afternoon. Chaps my ass that he assumes I will watch her 90% of the time…….yet he wants her 50% of the time in the divorce papers. GRRR

So at first I told him I wouldn’t be able to watch her because I was already on “duty” the balance of the weekend. Then I decided what the hell. I am just going furniture shopping and I can take the girl with me….BUT…KP is going along and I have been actively separating the two for a number of reasons.

I finally told Husband “fine I will just take her with us”. He was obviously not thrilled about that but agreed that it would work for him. So it looks like Saturday afternoon will be me, KP and my Bean riding in the big truck to the discount furniture store in a nearby town to shop for a real couch for our new house.

Only 2 more weeks and I am moving out. I can not wait!

PS - still really pissed off the Husband has been an anti-social asshole our whole marriage and now he is a god damn social butterfly.  Running with a group, going to movies with friends, etc.  I suppose he is just out shopping for pussy and I once he finds some he will revert back to his reclusive self.

Chump Lady is so Dang Helpful!

For the last few months I have been reading this blog.....Chump Lady.  << check it out it is soo good!

Yes I know it seems a bit counter intuitive for ME to be reading a blog on dumping cheaters, but here is the thing; it is really about having the self esteem to stand up for yourself and not let manipulative, selfish, fucked up people take advantage of your good nature.

When I feel like my husband is sucking me into his vortex of doom and using me (like he always does) now I read a little chump lady and get my feet back under me.  This blog is awesome and it is so dang true.....at what point do you say enough is enough and quit letting someone you love walk all over you?  When will you find your own worth and stand up for what you want?

This morning STBX husband and I had yet another discussion about how NOW he loves me and would do anything to save our marriage.  I keep thinking about the last 8 years and know that this is not a person I want to invest my time or energy in. He has a million excuses for how he has behaved.  I don't give a fuck what he says.....he treated me like shit and I will NEVER let him do that again.

Chump Lady keeps me strong.

I wish my therapist had been more like her!

I should have.......

how do I stop myself from looking back and thinking "I should have......"?

The more my husband is honest with me and the more we talk about how we ended up like this the angrier I become.  I was just sitting here thinking how I should have never married him...how I should have kicked him out of the hospital the day after Beanie was born when we were fighting over her name.  I should have named her what I wanted and told him to FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!

If I had....then all my children and I would have the same last name.  Then my youngest would have the name I wanted and not the name he insisted on.  Then I would not have wasted 8 years of my life on the sorry son of a bitch.

In the last week he has truly decided that I am leaving and he really doesn't want me to.  He keeps saying that our relationship started poorly and he never got past that but now the divorce has shook him to his core and he sees the error of his ways.  He spent all of our marriage being mad and me and resenting being with me and NOW he wants to take it all back and make it all right if I will only give him another chance.  (don't worry I won't)

Here is the thing......when your husband admits that he didn't want to even live with you much less marry you it really sucks.  He told me that he would not have let me move in (when I was pregnant) except he was worried about the babies health because I was so sad and my friend basically cornered him and told him he needed to step up.

Then, he was not planning on staying around after her birth but he felt it was his duty.  He says he did it all out of obligation to her and that he felt totally trapped.  He says he never forgave me for derailing his life and he has spent the last 7+ years angry at me.

This weekend he is going to a dinner party.  Do you know he never took me out to anything like that.  Do you know why....because he was embarrassed to be with me.  Because he was in denial that I was his wife and the mother of his child.  He didn't fall out of love with me...he NEVER loved me. 

BUT, now that his little family is about to be destroyed by me leaving he has had an epiphany that he does indeed love me but he wouldn't let it happen due to all the old pent up anger (which he can now set down).

GRRRR