Narcissist

Last year when I was seeing Therapist George we brushed upon the idea that my husband is Narcissistic. At the time I read a few things briefly and thought....probably not. He does not seem to want a lot of attention or think he should be the center of the world. (Um that would be Uwe.) Husband is pretty quiet and to himself. However, lately I think back over everything that happened and I keep coming to the same conclusion.  He lived to make himself happy and that was all he really cared about.  I find it perplexing that he didn’t seem to even love the only steady person in his life!  Then I start thinking…..maybe he IS a narcissist.  I also recently found out there are the "poor me"  Narcissistic types which explains how Husband doesn't really come off as trying to be self important but can still be so self centered.

He was always more than happy to use me and take advantage of me…. let me orbit his planet so to speak. He didn’t even seem to grasp that it was unfair. He seemed to be more of the mindset that he deserved it and it was his right. 

Yes, he is an only child, and I am sure that is part of his problem.

I Googled Narcissist again today and found these 5 personality traits to watch out for.
 
1) Projected Feelings of Insecurity: I don't mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere. I'm talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It's as if they're saying, "I don't want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings." Picture the boss who questions your methods after their own decision derails an important project, the date who frequently claims not to understand what you've said, even when you've been perfectly clear, or the friend who always damns you with faint praise ("Pretty good job this time!"). Remember the saying: "Don't knock your neighbor's porch light out to make yours shine brighter." Well, the narcissist loves to knock out your lights to seem brighter by comparison. 

Husband used to sneer at me and say things to me like “I don’t think you will ever be happy” or “You have never had a successful relationship so obviously you have issues” or he would just get upset with me if I seemed too happy; it was like me feeling good somehow made him feel bad. I never got the feeling he was on my side or rooting for me. In fact he seemed to feel he was winning if I was losing. 

2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.

Husband ALWAYS said we couldn’t talk unless it was non emotional. Husband always tried so hard to be non-emotional...either good or bad. He was almost inhuman. I know he behaves in a passive aggressive manner because he is suppressing his feelings (which he is proud of) so they play out in other ways. He really does not seem to be normal in emotional ways.

3) A Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see here and here). But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say -- and very likely, that's why you're not hearing them.

Husband rarely if ever talked about his childhood. The few fact driven stories I did hear were not pleasant. Stories of him being too quiet, his sister dying, his mother going through a long deep depression, him thinking his father didn’t love him, the time he rode on the back of his moms bike only to get his foot in the wheel spokes. Yet, on the few occasions that I suggested he may have some lingering issues related to his upbringing he got VERY angry and insisted he had the greatest parents in the world and an ideal childhood.

4) Idol Worship: Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: "If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I'll become perfect by association." The fact that no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist -- at least until they discover, as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might feel.

Husband never seemed to worship anyone. In fact he seems to not even like anyone. My interpretation is that he can’t be bothered with other people because it detracts from his *me time* which is where he prefers to put his energy. He bikes alone, runs alone and mostly plays alone. He has no interest in “putting up” with others. This is my observation but I know he would say he loves people if you asked him. I don’t think he does though. I think he says it because it sounds normal.

5) A High Need for Control: For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject of feelings, they can't stand to be at the mercy of other people's preferences; it reminds them that they aren't invulnerable or completely independent -- that, in fact, they might have to ask for what they want -- and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. (Think of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn't ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he's forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he'd rather avoid.) But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler than outright abuse. Be on the lookout for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching certain topics or sharing your own preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits without expressing any anger at all -- a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans, chronic lateness whenever you're in charge of arranging a night together. It's more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom.

THIS IS TOTALLY MY HUSBAND! Never communicating with me yet somehow always making things be on his terms. We named our daughter what he wanted to name her and he would have no negotiating at all. My name was just not going to happen. I fought him on it for a while and he wore me down.  We never actually argued....he just refused to listen to me; to even consider my idea.  My own mother told me to cave for the sake of our relationship. I wish someone would have told me to stand up for myself more often!

None of these signs, in isolation, proves that you're with a narcissist. But if you see a lot of them, it's best to sit up and take notice. They're all ways of dodging vulnerability, and that's a narcissist's favorite tactic.

So yes, I do now believe he is a Narcissist and that actually helps me to understand why he acts like he does.  I like being able to label his disorder.

Side note: A co-worker just stopped by and told me that I have been in a much better mood the last few months. I think I perked up when I finally decided to move out and found a place to move. I could finally see the way out and I was happy about it. I feel positively weightless at this point. Life feels better than it has in ….oh…….14 years!! I am almost shocked at how good I feel.