"Faced with random, senseless abuse, a child begins to think herself as inherently unlovable."
I found this article today and thought it was worth passing along.
this is the original article...<< CLICK HERE >>
It is time to start focusing on what I can do to heal/repair the wounds my parents gave me. That is really the biggest issue I need to deal with.
Showing posts with label Emotional Abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotional Abuse. Show all posts
Friday, July 11, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
Blog Find!
Today I found this blog called Psychopaths and Love.
I have really enjoyed reading it today. It's chocked full of good information, much of which I feel relates to my relationship with my husband.
I do not think my husband is a "full-blown" Psychopath but I do believe he has control issues and emotional fears that manifest themselves as covert emotional manipulation of those around him.
In other words, rather than deal with people on an authentic caring level and risk suffering some emotional pain of his own, he chooses to emotionally manipulate the people in his life so he can have things just the way he wants them all the time. I don't think it is all calculated and carefully plotted. I do however think he knows exactly what he is doing as he has honed his skills over many years of practice. And doing this makes him feel safe so he has no interest in changing it. He thinks he has things figured out to his advantage. What's he call it?..... "Gaming the System" I believe. He thinks it's smart to control the people around him by manipulation.
I truly believe he is not capable of real love; it is just too risky. I do think he wants to have a family and a real relationship but he is just not willing to except the emotional exposure that that would entail.
In some ways I was perfect for him because I was filling the wife slot in his family but no longer demanding a REAL relationship. I just stayed out of his way and let him do his thing. I think that is why he was willing to "look the other way" when it was pretty obvious I was getting involved with another man. Besides, the confrontation of my affair would have meant he had to talk to me about our intimacy, or lack of, and he hated to do that. He told me he didn't think I would ever leave. That is how arrogant he is.
Anyway, in the end, his inability to truly connect has lost him wife number two and forced him to go out and find another women to sleep with. I know he really hates going out and finding one, but he loves sex so he gets out there and procures a partner. Right now she thinks he is great. But really he is using her for sex and he will keep her around as long as she is willing to stay and doesn't expect much from him in return. He will keep her around not because he loves her (even if he says it) but because he loves to ejaculate.
Any how....He thinks he has life by the balls but really he is missing out on the best things in life.
I have really enjoyed reading it today. It's chocked full of good information, much of which I feel relates to my relationship with my husband.
I do not think my husband is a "full-blown" Psychopath but I do believe he has control issues and emotional fears that manifest themselves as covert emotional manipulation of those around him.
In other words, rather than deal with people on an authentic caring level and risk suffering some emotional pain of his own, he chooses to emotionally manipulate the people in his life so he can have things just the way he wants them all the time. I don't think it is all calculated and carefully plotted. I do however think he knows exactly what he is doing as he has honed his skills over many years of practice. And doing this makes him feel safe so he has no interest in changing it. He thinks he has things figured out to his advantage. What's he call it?..... "Gaming the System" I believe. He thinks it's smart to control the people around him by manipulation.
I truly believe he is not capable of real love; it is just too risky. I do think he wants to have a family and a real relationship but he is just not willing to except the emotional exposure that that would entail.
In some ways I was perfect for him because I was filling the wife slot in his family but no longer demanding a REAL relationship. I just stayed out of his way and let him do his thing. I think that is why he was willing to "look the other way" when it was pretty obvious I was getting involved with another man. Besides, the confrontation of my affair would have meant he had to talk to me about our intimacy, or lack of, and he hated to do that. He told me he didn't think I would ever leave. That is how arrogant he is.
Anyway, in the end, his inability to truly connect has lost him wife number two and forced him to go out and find another women to sleep with. I know he really hates going out and finding one, but he loves sex so he gets out there and procures a partner. Right now she thinks he is great. But really he is using her for sex and he will keep her around as long as she is willing to stay and doesn't expect much from him in return. He will keep her around not because he loves her (even if he says it) but because he loves to ejaculate.
Any how....He thinks he has life by the balls but really he is missing out on the best things in life.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
8 ways to spot emotional manipulation and protect yourself from it:
1.There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator.
You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response – “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.” Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all – but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played – don’t capitulate! Do not care take – do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit – it probably is. Rule number one – if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver – it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper.
If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree – that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, “ok thanks” – they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever – they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making – which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two – If an emotional manipulator said YES – make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties – if they don’t want to do it – make them tell you it up front – or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
3. Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity –You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white – and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so “forgetful” these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself – that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers.
They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly – they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is “I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own” – check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty.
They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: “Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you.” Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking – all the while “Sweetie” is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, “well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?” Cry, scream or choke ‘em – only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor!
No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now – but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish – or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother – TRUST your gut and walk away!
7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them.
When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it – it brings a deep instinctual response to find some way to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better – fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs – let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability.
They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior – it is always about what everyone else has “done to them”. One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the “hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me” variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
________________________
Found this article today. It is 100% my husband!!! I want to take this to George and say "Look....this is what I have been living with!"
I know I am moving on but it doesn't change the fact that I want to understand what happened and who he is and better ways to deal with these types of people.
You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response – “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.” Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all – but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played – don’t capitulate! Do not care take – do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit – it probably is. Rule number one – if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver – it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper.
If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree – that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, “ok thanks” – they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever – they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making – which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two – If an emotional manipulator said YES – make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties – if they don’t want to do it – make them tell you it up front – or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
3. Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity –You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white – and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so “forgetful” these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself – that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers.
They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly – they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is “I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own” – check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty.
They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: “Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you.” Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking – all the while “Sweetie” is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, “well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?” Cry, scream or choke ‘em – only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor!
No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now – but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish – or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother – TRUST your gut and walk away!
7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them.
When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it – it brings a deep instinctual response to find some way to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better – fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs – let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability.
They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior – it is always about what everyone else has “done to them”. One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the “hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me” variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
________________________
Found this article today. It is 100% my husband!!! I want to take this to George and say "Look....this is what I have been living with!"
I know I am moving on but it doesn't change the fact that I want to understand what happened and who he is and better ways to deal with these types of people.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Thoughts on Monday (After More Processing)
Kevin is always calm and always willing to talk. I really think I am just paranoid....and he is fine. I am still learning to trust that people can truly be nice to me and not be out to get me. For example when he doesn't answer the phone I still get a rather large panicky feeling that he is abandoning me but in reality (so far) the only reason he doesn’t answer is because he is on a business call.
When he asked me not to hang up on him he was making his needs and expectations clear. That is not a bad thing. It is a totally valid thing to ask for and he did it calmly and nicely (hugged me). Yes he was insistent but that is how he is. He is a manager of a number of branches for a roofing supply company and he speaks with authority in his voice. He comes from a place of confidence.
I interpret what he does through the eyes of an abused person. I think his point was simply that I shouldn't let STBXhusband get me so worked up. Kevin is right....I do spend too much time worrying about him and what is going on. It is co-dependent behavior. Something Kevin does NOT do. Kevin thinks I should have messaged him.....and left it at that. Then, if he didn't respond by 5, I take the kid home with me. Simple. Of course he is detached from the situation so it is easy for him to say. Also, his ex-wife was irresponsible so he got real used to dealing with these types of situations. He felt he was sharing his experience and knowledge with me. I am sure he had no idea why I was so pissed off by the whole thing.
I don’t think either one of us said we were sorry. I think we agreed that we didn’t really understand each other that night. Since then I have “let go” of my fear and mulled it over some more; hence this more comprehensive explanation. I really can’t think clear when I am in the middle of (not sure what to call it) my reaction to a trigger. My brain feels all tight, confused and negative. I don’t think it wore off until about noon on Tuesday! (This is another thing I am now more aware of………how these things linger and then after some time they lift away.)
The real issue that day stemmed from my reaction to him being assertive in a way that made me uncomfortable. I tend to feel trampled on too easily. In the past when this has happened I have said something to him and he does listen. I just didn’t have the right frame of mind last Monday. I was already off balance due to letting the STBX get under my skin.
I know it sounds corny but I am learning from Kevin. I like how he thinks and how he deals with the world and life. He knows how to ignore stupid BS and concentrate on what matters. He always tells me to focus on the future and what I need and what will make me happy. He really is my advocate.
When he asked me not to hang up on him he was making his needs and expectations clear. That is not a bad thing. It is a totally valid thing to ask for and he did it calmly and nicely (hugged me). Yes he was insistent but that is how he is. He is a manager of a number of branches for a roofing supply company and he speaks with authority in his voice. He comes from a place of confidence.
I interpret what he does through the eyes of an abused person. I think his point was simply that I shouldn't let STBXhusband get me so worked up. Kevin is right....I do spend too much time worrying about him and what is going on. It is co-dependent behavior. Something Kevin does NOT do. Kevin thinks I should have messaged him.....and left it at that. Then, if he didn't respond by 5, I take the kid home with me. Simple. Of course he is detached from the situation so it is easy for him to say. Also, his ex-wife was irresponsible so he got real used to dealing with these types of situations. He felt he was sharing his experience and knowledge with me. I am sure he had no idea why I was so pissed off by the whole thing.
I don’t think either one of us said we were sorry. I think we agreed that we didn’t really understand each other that night. Since then I have “let go” of my fear and mulled it over some more; hence this more comprehensive explanation. I really can’t think clear when I am in the middle of (not sure what to call it) my reaction to a trigger. My brain feels all tight, confused and negative. I don’t think it wore off until about noon on Tuesday! (This is another thing I am now more aware of………how these things linger and then after some time they lift away.)
The real issue that day stemmed from my reaction to him being assertive in a way that made me uncomfortable. I tend to feel trampled on too easily. In the past when this has happened I have said something to him and he does listen. I just didn’t have the right frame of mind last Monday. I was already off balance due to letting the STBX get under my skin.
I know it sounds corny but I am learning from Kevin. I like how he thinks and how he deals with the world and life. He knows how to ignore stupid BS and concentrate on what matters. He always tells me to focus on the future and what I need and what will make me happy. He really is my advocate.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Marriage Counselors
Over at chumplady.com the discussion today is about therapist. Oh boy do I have a lot to say on this subject. But first, I had to cut and paste this comment because it made me laugh and it is so true. This woman was telling about her wonderful therapist. (I read Chump Lady all day long!! the comments were engrossing.)
“She helped me see how strong I am. I’m a smart woman and I didn’t need to take his shit anymore. She was WONDERFUL! I don’t need a therapist anymore. My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize! He was just a piece of stinking shit!”
This part >>> “My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize!” <<< this is the line that really grabs me….although I don’t think my husband is THAT bad, the fact remains, why did I hang on for so long when it was hurting me so much?
Last year I got into therapy. It was my new year’s resolution. I went to see a great marriage counselor who I would totally recommend to any couple that is having some issues and needs some help getting back on track. (On a side note he is just a great person….I really like George.) But, for me, and the situation I was in, it was not a good fit. You see, George is of the mind set that you have to save the marriage at all costs! He would take every single little piece of positive information and hold it up and say “well things are getting better!” as a way to encourage me to keep trying to make my marriage work. I told him all about how my husband cheated on me when we were dating, how he was reluctant to commit for years, how he always acted secretive and was not always honest with me. I told him enough that he should have really questioned my husband’s motives. I told him enough about how our marriage hurt me that he should have at least entertained the idea that it was not working for me and maybe it couldn’t be saved. But, even to the very end, when I told him we were getting a divorce and my husband had admitted to not being in love with me, George still thought divorce was the WRONG option. WTH!?!
The truth is that when you live in a situation where you constantly get mixed messages and your opinion/feelings are not valued, you do get a little crazy. Husband said he loved me but he didn’t. Husband married but he didn’t want to be married to me. Husband would agree that we should talk more (because he knew that is what I wanted) but then go to great lengths to be sure it didn’t happen or if it did he would be sure it wasn't pleasant so I wouldn’t want to do it again anytime soon. Husband agreed we should do more together as a couple (again because I pushed for it) yet all my attempts at planning and executing such things were met with great resistance or even a last minute change of plans so it didn’t happen.
But…back to the discussion on therapist…back in April 2011 Husband I went to a marriage counselor together. (READ OLD POST HERE) I remember breaking down in tears of joy that he was willing to go. To me that meant something, to me that meant he cared enough to put forth some effort to make things better. I had high hopes that it would make a difference and maybe for once he would hear me and things would change. Instead he came in there week after week and sat there and told the therapist what he thought she wanted to hear and acted like he hadn’t a clue that I was unhappy and was eager to be a good husband. Then he would leave and sulk all week because I said I didn’t like something and he was so hurt by that comment. Really he was just manipulating the situation so it would turn into the “don’t hurt Husband’s feeling show” instead of the let’s get serious about fixing issues. He really didn’t want to fix things he just wanted to get me off his back. His goal all through our marriage was do as he pleases as much as possible (pretend he is single) and that involved keeping me happy on some level so I would leave him alone.
I know he has some regrets now because as he says “he is sorry to be losing his family” but truth of the matter is I deserve a husband that loves me and treats me with respect and I do not feel guilty at all for ending this 7+ year fiasco that both of us created out of our own insecurities and misguided desires. Husband, by his own admission, never wanted me, I just made it too easy for him.
As I look back over my marriage the thing I regret the most is even getting married. I wish I had been smart enough and self-confident enough to walk away when every step was a struggle. I really thought, back then, that if we got “over the hump” we would make a go of it. I really thought that if two decent people care for each other they can make a marriage work and make it good. I really didn’t realize the extent of his reluctance to be there because he didn’t come out and profess it. Instead it just seeped in around the edges all the time and ate away at my gut so I never felt “right”. It is too bat that my parents trained to me to put up with a lot of bullshit like that and not have higher expectations in life.
“She helped me see how strong I am. I’m a smart woman and I didn’t need to take his shit anymore. She was WONDERFUL! I don’t need a therapist anymore. My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize! He was just a piece of stinking shit!”
This part >>> “My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize!” <<< this is the line that really grabs me….although I don’t think my husband is THAT bad, the fact remains, why did I hang on for so long when it was hurting me so much?
Last year I got into therapy. It was my new year’s resolution. I went to see a great marriage counselor who I would totally recommend to any couple that is having some issues and needs some help getting back on track. (On a side note he is just a great person….I really like George.) But, for me, and the situation I was in, it was not a good fit. You see, George is of the mind set that you have to save the marriage at all costs! He would take every single little piece of positive information and hold it up and say “well things are getting better!” as a way to encourage me to keep trying to make my marriage work. I told him all about how my husband cheated on me when we were dating, how he was reluctant to commit for years, how he always acted secretive and was not always honest with me. I told him enough that he should have really questioned my husband’s motives. I told him enough about how our marriage hurt me that he should have at least entertained the idea that it was not working for me and maybe it couldn’t be saved. But, even to the very end, when I told him we were getting a divorce and my husband had admitted to not being in love with me, George still thought divorce was the WRONG option. WTH!?!
The truth is that when you live in a situation where you constantly get mixed messages and your opinion/feelings are not valued, you do get a little crazy. Husband said he loved me but he didn’t. Husband married but he didn’t want to be married to me. Husband would agree that we should talk more (because he knew that is what I wanted) but then go to great lengths to be sure it didn’t happen or if it did he would be sure it wasn't pleasant so I wouldn’t want to do it again anytime soon. Husband agreed we should do more together as a couple (again because I pushed for it) yet all my attempts at planning and executing such things were met with great resistance or even a last minute change of plans so it didn’t happen.
But…back to the discussion on therapist…back in April 2011 Husband I went to a marriage counselor together. (READ OLD POST HERE) I remember breaking down in tears of joy that he was willing to go. To me that meant something, to me that meant he cared enough to put forth some effort to make things better. I had high hopes that it would make a difference and maybe for once he would hear me and things would change. Instead he came in there week after week and sat there and told the therapist what he thought she wanted to hear and acted like he hadn’t a clue that I was unhappy and was eager to be a good husband. Then he would leave and sulk all week because I said I didn’t like something and he was so hurt by that comment. Really he was just manipulating the situation so it would turn into the “don’t hurt Husband’s feeling show” instead of the let’s get serious about fixing issues. He really didn’t want to fix things he just wanted to get me off his back. His goal all through our marriage was do as he pleases as much as possible (pretend he is single) and that involved keeping me happy on some level so I would leave him alone.
I know he has some regrets now because as he says “he is sorry to be losing his family” but truth of the matter is I deserve a husband that loves me and treats me with respect and I do not feel guilty at all for ending this 7+ year fiasco that both of us created out of our own insecurities and misguided desires. Husband, by his own admission, never wanted me, I just made it too easy for him.
As I look back over my marriage the thing I regret the most is even getting married. I wish I had been smart enough and self-confident enough to walk away when every step was a struggle. I really thought, back then, that if we got “over the hump” we would make a go of it. I really thought that if two decent people care for each other they can make a marriage work and make it good. I really didn’t realize the extent of his reluctance to be there because he didn’t come out and profess it. Instead it just seeped in around the edges all the time and ate away at my gut so I never felt “right”. It is too bat that my parents trained to me to put up with a lot of bullshit like that and not have higher expectations in life.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Moving Delayed and Reflecting on My Life
My move has been pushed back to Monday the 17th. To say I can’t wait is an understatement. Even Husband said he is looking forward to it so we get out of this “limbo” we are currently in.
This last week Husband has been fairly agreeable and happy. He says he finally realized that fussing and fuming wasn’t changing anything, in fact it was just making everyone needlessly tense and upset. I am happy that he is smart enough to realize that. It is actually smart of him because if he was to save our marriage (something he still brings up regularly) being nice, not mean, would be the best plan.
KP is out of town this week on a business trip. I sure do miss him. I have volunteered to take Beanie every single day after school, and that, no doubt, is helping to keep the Husband’s mood elevated.
Lately, I do a lot of reflecting on my relationships over the past few years. I keep noticing all these little things that KP does that show me he respects and values me and then I think of all the times I let Husband or Uwe (and others before them) treat me like crap and not show me the proper respect.
Uwe’s birthday was the other day so I messaged him birthday wishes along with mentioning that I am sorry we are no longer friends. He replied back with something snide and ugly. Rather than feeling hurt or offended (the old me) I just thought to myself “man he is not the type of person I want to be friends with…I can do so much better!”
One of my focuses going forward is to always be aware of the level of respect I am “demanding” from those around me. I know that I have put up with crappy treatment way to much in my life and I need to end that cycle. I need to weed out the people that take from me and don’t give anything back. I need to set the bar higher for entrance into my heart.
I have also noticed how having a person treat me with respect and kindness makes the whole world seem like a nicer place. Every single day, everything I do just seems better. I have more energy and
more optimism than I have had in over 14 years!
I had a therapist many years ago that told me all I needed to do to feel better was to find a healthy relationship and I would be fine. I thought he was oversimplifying things. But, in a way he was right.
I also had a therapist many years ago who told me I need to be happy (or at least optimistic) even when life is not perfect or throws me a curve ball. Basically her theory was that your goal should be to make the best of what you have rather than chasing a dream. I know she has a valid point (in a way) but at the same time, you have to know when a situation is bad for you and GET OUT OF IT if at all possible.
I think over the past 14 years I have made two big mistakes in my thinking:
1) That changing my attitude was more important than changing my situation. In other words, many will tell you that “you are only as happy as you want to be. So be happy and the rest will fall into place.” FALSE – people around you can bring you down. Bad relationships are destructive. You can’t fix many problems by changing your “mind” about them. Sometimes you need to just realize that, living with a slob or a negative introvert is NOT healthy to your well-being and get the hell away from them.
2) That there will be a miracle cure or a pivotal moment that will change things dramatically. I know I have heard people exclaim how finding God changed their lives or life is such a gift now that they are sober or even the ones who say “see a good therapist to fix X or Y”. But here’s the thing….I have tried EVERYTHING thinking that each might be the magic key that was going to make things change. I have searched and searched for the “answer” to my problems. In the end I have decided that having been raised in an abusive situation and suffering from ADHD are things that affect me EVERY single day of my life and I will always have to be aware of them and work to keep their impact on me under control. I will never wake up one day and be cured. The best I can hope for is the energy and foresight to make the best of who I am and to except that I may not be who I want to be and that is OK.
Lastly I have to say that setting out to find friends who know the real me and accept me for who I am is key to all this. I think in the past I always felt it was important to be perfect or hide my dark secrets so people would like me. NOW I am trying to have the attitude that…. hey I am flawed (we all are actually) and if you don’t like my flaws then you can stay the fuck away from me! In other words take me for who I am, the good the bad and the ugly or don’t take me at all AND I really don't care if you choose not to take me because there will be others who will.
I admit KP has done many things to make me realize all of the above. He seems too actually like things about me that many people have told me they dislike. It is so damn refreshing to have this acceptance and it makes me aware that other people could accept me too; that I am not such a pathetic, old, mentally ill person that I have no value.
I guess KP got my self esteem ball rolling and now I am running with it. I am working hard to get my attitude set in the right direction and then KEEP IT THERE. I am not going to let petty, selfish people drag me down and trigger me into a depression anymore.
Reading Chump Lady has helped too! seriously she has helped wake me up to how I thought I was being nice but I was just being a doormat. When I feel weak I read some more and gather a little personal strength from her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I probably won’t be able to post much for the next few weeks; work is busy, moving and taxes need to be done, not to mention I am swamped with multisport club accounting that I have NO TIME FOR. I am just hoping I can actually get it all done with a reasonable degree of accuracy!! Wish me luck.
This last week Husband has been fairly agreeable and happy. He says he finally realized that fussing and fuming wasn’t changing anything, in fact it was just making everyone needlessly tense and upset. I am happy that he is smart enough to realize that. It is actually smart of him because if he was to save our marriage (something he still brings up regularly) being nice, not mean, would be the best plan.
KP is out of town this week on a business trip. I sure do miss him. I have volunteered to take Beanie every single day after school, and that, no doubt, is helping to keep the Husband’s mood elevated.
Lately, I do a lot of reflecting on my relationships over the past few years. I keep noticing all these little things that KP does that show me he respects and values me and then I think of all the times I let Husband or Uwe (and others before them) treat me like crap and not show me the proper respect.
Uwe’s birthday was the other day so I messaged him birthday wishes along with mentioning that I am sorry we are no longer friends. He replied back with something snide and ugly. Rather than feeling hurt or offended (the old me) I just thought to myself “man he is not the type of person I want to be friends with…I can do so much better!”
One of my focuses going forward is to always be aware of the level of respect I am “demanding” from those around me. I know that I have put up with crappy treatment way to much in my life and I need to end that cycle. I need to weed out the people that take from me and don’t give anything back. I need to set the bar higher for entrance into my heart.
I have also noticed how having a person treat me with respect and kindness makes the whole world seem like a nicer place. Every single day, everything I do just seems better. I have more energy and
more optimism than I have had in over 14 years!
I had a therapist many years ago that told me all I needed to do to feel better was to find a healthy relationship and I would be fine. I thought he was oversimplifying things. But, in a way he was right.
I also had a therapist many years ago who told me I need to be happy (or at least optimistic) even when life is not perfect or throws me a curve ball. Basically her theory was that your goal should be to make the best of what you have rather than chasing a dream. I know she has a valid point (in a way) but at the same time, you have to know when a situation is bad for you and GET OUT OF IT if at all possible.
I think over the past 14 years I have made two big mistakes in my thinking:
1) That changing my attitude was more important than changing my situation. In other words, many will tell you that “you are only as happy as you want to be. So be happy and the rest will fall into place.” FALSE – people around you can bring you down. Bad relationships are destructive. You can’t fix many problems by changing your “mind” about them. Sometimes you need to just realize that, living with a slob or a negative introvert is NOT healthy to your well-being and get the hell away from them.
2) That there will be a miracle cure or a pivotal moment that will change things dramatically. I know I have heard people exclaim how finding God changed their lives or life is such a gift now that they are sober or even the ones who say “see a good therapist to fix X or Y”. But here’s the thing….I have tried EVERYTHING thinking that each might be the magic key that was going to make things change. I have searched and searched for the “answer” to my problems. In the end I have decided that having been raised in an abusive situation and suffering from ADHD are things that affect me EVERY single day of my life and I will always have to be aware of them and work to keep their impact on me under control. I will never wake up one day and be cured. The best I can hope for is the energy and foresight to make the best of who I am and to except that I may not be who I want to be and that is OK.
Lastly I have to say that setting out to find friends who know the real me and accept me for who I am is key to all this. I think in the past I always felt it was important to be perfect or hide my dark secrets so people would like me. NOW I am trying to have the attitude that…. hey I am flawed (we all are actually) and if you don’t like my flaws then you can stay the fuck away from me! In other words take me for who I am, the good the bad and the ugly or don’t take me at all AND I really don't care if you choose not to take me because there will be others who will.
I admit KP has done many things to make me realize all of the above. He seems too actually like things about me that many people have told me they dislike. It is so damn refreshing to have this acceptance and it makes me aware that other people could accept me too; that I am not such a pathetic, old, mentally ill person that I have no value.
I guess KP got my self esteem ball rolling and now I am running with it. I am working hard to get my attitude set in the right direction and then KEEP IT THERE. I am not going to let petty, selfish people drag me down and trigger me into a depression anymore.
Reading Chump Lady has helped too! seriously she has helped wake me up to how I thought I was being nice but I was just being a doormat. When I feel weak I read some more and gather a little personal strength from her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I probably won’t be able to post much for the next few weeks; work is busy, moving and taxes need to be done, not to mention I am swamped with multisport club accounting that I have NO TIME FOR. I am just hoping I can actually get it all done with a reasonable degree of accuracy!! Wish me luck.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Rewriting History
Yesterday there was some more drama regarding Uwe. I won’t bore you with the details but the guy is a freaking narcissistic jerk who is always accusing me of doing lowly things and then says if I don't deny it it must be true. (I try very hard not humor him with an argument.)
Then I found out he shared some personal things about me with a mutual friend; a mutual friend that he has just started dating. This greatly concerns me because after talking to both of them I am sure he has lied to her. And even better still this revealing story he told her was framed as an “I must be completely honest with you” discussion to make him look good in her eyes. BARF
Now here is the thing. The lie is set up so that if I tell her he is lying it is highly likely she will think I am covering my tracks and not believe me anyway. In fact, he has painted me as insecure and needy and him as a big hero all summer long for sticking by my side as TRUE friend. And she will probably tell him which will make him angry and he will lash out at me again in some way.
So it has been eating at me. I barely slept last night. I feel that I am betraying a friendship if I am not honest with her and I am super pissed that this jerk-wad has set it up so he can lie, look good and get away with it. Keep in mind that all of our mutual friends think he is a super duper nice guy because almost all the crap he did to me was when no one was looking.
Oh and I know the story he told her because he tried it on me too. He is trying to backtrack now and rationalize all the mean things he did to me this summer by saying that I wanted to be more than friends and that he took the high ground and told me no and started to distance himself from me for my own good and the good of my family. When he told me this, I called him out for making shit up and trying to rewrite history. Seriously it took him all summer to come up with this version that makes him guilt free for his actions towards me. Nice try but I certainly know better.
Also, this mutual friend is a child abuse survivor who I have confided in before about my family issues AND the fact that Uwe had been hurting me too. She too has a similar background (they can smell it in us). She is going to be easy prey for a manipulative narcissistic person like him.
So I go to KP and tell him the whole story. He calmly leans back and says it is none of my business and I should just butt out; that I get too worked up over things that really don’t matter. That Uwe is not a friend to me and I need to just stay away from him and not talk to him. That woman always, eventually, figure out what he is really like (he has never been married and is 48 years old) and mutual friend has to find out on her own.
I told KP it is not fair that he is using me and making me look bad so he looks good especially after all the hurtful things he has said and done to me. KP pointed out that I cannot control other people, that I have done nothing wrong and that I should hold my head up and let the real truth come to light in it’s own time.
What do you think? Do I just MYOB and try not to think about it? Do I tell her my side even if she won’t believe me? Maybe it will cast a doubt in her mind? Then again it might just force an even bigger riff in our circle of friends because people are already telling me they don't want to be in the middle. :( He is better at "working" the crowd so I am going to be friendless soon.
At the end of the day I am just so weary of all this stupid drama!
All I did was a have a friend that I believed in and this is how it turns out.
FML
Then I found out he shared some personal things about me with a mutual friend; a mutual friend that he has just started dating. This greatly concerns me because after talking to both of them I am sure he has lied to her. And even better still this revealing story he told her was framed as an “I must be completely honest with you” discussion to make him look good in her eyes. BARF
Now here is the thing. The lie is set up so that if I tell her he is lying it is highly likely she will think I am covering my tracks and not believe me anyway. In fact, he has painted me as insecure and needy and him as a big hero all summer long for sticking by my side as TRUE friend. And she will probably tell him which will make him angry and he will lash out at me again in some way.
So it has been eating at me. I barely slept last night. I feel that I am betraying a friendship if I am not honest with her and I am super pissed that this jerk-wad has set it up so he can lie, look good and get away with it. Keep in mind that all of our mutual friends think he is a super duper nice guy because almost all the crap he did to me was when no one was looking.
Oh and I know the story he told her because he tried it on me too. He is trying to backtrack now and rationalize all the mean things he did to me this summer by saying that I wanted to be more than friends and that he took the high ground and told me no and started to distance himself from me for my own good and the good of my family. When he told me this, I called him out for making shit up and trying to rewrite history. Seriously it took him all summer to come up with this version that makes him guilt free for his actions towards me. Nice try but I certainly know better.
Also, this mutual friend is a child abuse survivor who I have confided in before about my family issues AND the fact that Uwe had been hurting me too. She too has a similar background (they can smell it in us). She is going to be easy prey for a manipulative narcissistic person like him.
So I go to KP and tell him the whole story. He calmly leans back and says it is none of my business and I should just butt out; that I get too worked up over things that really don’t matter. That Uwe is not a friend to me and I need to just stay away from him and not talk to him. That woman always, eventually, figure out what he is really like (he has never been married and is 48 years old) and mutual friend has to find out on her own.
I told KP it is not fair that he is using me and making me look bad so he looks good especially after all the hurtful things he has said and done to me. KP pointed out that I cannot control other people, that I have done nothing wrong and that I should hold my head up and let the real truth come to light in it’s own time.
What do you think? Do I just MYOB and try not to think about it? Do I tell her my side even if she won’t believe me? Maybe it will cast a doubt in her mind? Then again it might just force an even bigger riff in our circle of friends because people are already telling me they don't want to be in the middle. :( He is better at "working" the crowd so I am going to be friendless soon.
At the end of the day I am just so weary of all this stupid drama!
All I did was a have a friend that I believed in and this is how it turns out.
FML
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Thursday With George
Today I told George about the whole train ride fiasco. He said that he thinks my husband and I both mean well but we are not mixing well. Like oil and water. Nothing wrong with oil; nothing wrong with water, but they just don’t mix well. I know he is right, that my husband was NOT trying to be an ass. I am sure at the end of the day he felt I was unreasonable and squashed all the fun and that he won’t be planning any trips from now on because I am too hard to please. Depressing, and of course we never talked about it.
George also said that he believes that if Husband and I would just spend more time together; a lot more time together, all the issues would work themselves out. He said that most couples just need to spend more time with each other and they will automatically communicate better and become closer. I even have a friend who told me buying a boat saved his marriage. When I asked why he said that he and his wife now spend all weekend together in the boat. This all makes sense to me. At first I was thinking he is right and that is a plan of action I can focus on making happen. I can ask Husband for more time. He did go for a bike with me on my birthday and it was fun. Then I remembered the weekend at the lake when we went for a hike together. He didn’t want to actually have a conversation with me. He is not talkative. It was no fun at all. In the final analysis I always come back to the same thing. He doesn’t feel the need to interact with me. He doesn’t enjoy my company or seek it out. I really think more time together will not help. In fact, we started getting along much better when I decided to get out of the house more and have a life on my own. Depressing.
Whenever I ask husband to do something with me he always says “sure” and acts interested. But then when the date draws near it always turns into him wiggling out of it or the whole thing turning into some sort of unpleasant, overly complicated situation. Nothing is ever easy with him and I am really tired of it all.
I finally finished my book “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse”. The more I read and understand how I am emotionally effected by my upbringing, the more I realize that almost all of the things my husband does that drive me crazy, make me edgy or even uncomfortable are the things my parents did to harm me. In essence he is abusing me just like they did. He may be fine for someone else, but all the things he does that suit his needs tend to be the exact opposite of the things I need.
Example: I like people who are predictable and even tempered. When I was a child, the mood in our house was always unpredictable so as children we were always on edge not knowing what might happen next. My father could be terribly nice one moment but then smack you off your feet the next moment in a sudden fit of anger. My husband is moody and unpredictable which keeps me feeling off balance.
Example: I need communication and interaction. My parents treated me as less than human. I was abused by neglect. My father physically left me and my mother was never emotionally or socially interested in interacting. When husband ignores me it makes me feel unwanted and unloved (and he does it all the time). When husband won’t communicate with me it leads me to believe I am not worth his time or effort. He makes me feel unloved just like my parents did. Husband and I have one “real” talk a month at best.
Example: I need to be told (shown) I am valued. When I was growing up I was taught threw actions and words that I was not important. I now enjoy relationships with people who act like they like me and say nice things to me, etc. I mean that is just normal; don’t all people what to feel valued by their friends and family. My husband never gives me sincere compliments or acts appreciative. He will flip a sarcastic comment my way every once in a while and think he is doing me a huge favor.
There is more but I am tired of going on about it. He is just NOT what I need and George seems to think we could be good for each other if we did indeed pull each other out of our opposite corners and meet in the middle; that we could facilitate growth in each other. But here is the thing……why not just surround yourself with people that get you; people that are already in your same corner?
I just don’t think I am on board with George anymore. He is doing a great job as a marriage counselor by doing everything in his power to save my marriage. But at this point in my life I am more interested in healing the emotionally scarred child inside me and quite frankly, my husband only continues to wound me and I can’t change that unless he wants to change.
And I really need to have a talk with my husband and explain all this to him. Give him a chance to save our marriage. Inform him of his options. Because right now I feel I need to be away from him in order to feel mentally healthy. Sadly though….he never wants to talk.
George also said that he believes that if Husband and I would just spend more time together; a lot more time together, all the issues would work themselves out. He said that most couples just need to spend more time with each other and they will automatically communicate better and become closer. I even have a friend who told me buying a boat saved his marriage. When I asked why he said that he and his wife now spend all weekend together in the boat. This all makes sense to me. At first I was thinking he is right and that is a plan of action I can focus on making happen. I can ask Husband for more time. He did go for a bike with me on my birthday and it was fun. Then I remembered the weekend at the lake when we went for a hike together. He didn’t want to actually have a conversation with me. He is not talkative. It was no fun at all. In the final analysis I always come back to the same thing. He doesn’t feel the need to interact with me. He doesn’t enjoy my company or seek it out. I really think more time together will not help. In fact, we started getting along much better when I decided to get out of the house more and have a life on my own. Depressing.
Whenever I ask husband to do something with me he always says “sure” and acts interested. But then when the date draws near it always turns into him wiggling out of it or the whole thing turning into some sort of unpleasant, overly complicated situation. Nothing is ever easy with him and I am really tired of it all.
I finally finished my book “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse”. The more I read and understand how I am emotionally effected by my upbringing, the more I realize that almost all of the things my husband does that drive me crazy, make me edgy or even uncomfortable are the things my parents did to harm me. In essence he is abusing me just like they did. He may be fine for someone else, but all the things he does that suit his needs tend to be the exact opposite of the things I need.
Example: I like people who are predictable and even tempered. When I was a child, the mood in our house was always unpredictable so as children we were always on edge not knowing what might happen next. My father could be terribly nice one moment but then smack you off your feet the next moment in a sudden fit of anger. My husband is moody and unpredictable which keeps me feeling off balance.
Example: I need communication and interaction. My parents treated me as less than human. I was abused by neglect. My father physically left me and my mother was never emotionally or socially interested in interacting. When husband ignores me it makes me feel unwanted and unloved (and he does it all the time). When husband won’t communicate with me it leads me to believe I am not worth his time or effort. He makes me feel unloved just like my parents did. Husband and I have one “real” talk a month at best.
Example: I need to be told (shown) I am valued. When I was growing up I was taught threw actions and words that I was not important. I now enjoy relationships with people who act like they like me and say nice things to me, etc. I mean that is just normal; don’t all people what to feel valued by their friends and family. My husband never gives me sincere compliments or acts appreciative. He will flip a sarcastic comment my way every once in a while and think he is doing me a huge favor.
There is more but I am tired of going on about it. He is just NOT what I need and George seems to think we could be good for each other if we did indeed pull each other out of our opposite corners and meet in the middle; that we could facilitate growth in each other. But here is the thing……why not just surround yourself with people that get you; people that are already in your same corner?
I just don’t think I am on board with George anymore. He is doing a great job as a marriage counselor by doing everything in his power to save my marriage. But at this point in my life I am more interested in healing the emotionally scarred child inside me and quite frankly, my husband only continues to wound me and I can’t change that unless he wants to change.
And I really need to have a talk with my husband and explain all this to him. Give him a chance to save our marriage. Inform him of his options. Because right now I feel I need to be away from him in order to feel mentally healthy. Sadly though….he never wants to talk.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
"Just get over it already!"
“Why do you let that stuff bother you?”
“He can’t make you upset unless you let him.”
I have heard this stuff over and over again and I always say the same thing…I WANT TO GET OVER IT MORE THAN ANYONE. Yet, I never could seem to get over it. I felt so helpless and out of control. But, now it makes perfect sense. It is not the person that is upsetting me…it is the fact that they are triggering me.
I was reading another blog and the author was explaining that people who are not triggered will never understand but the best way to say it is when you tell us to ignore an incident that triggers us it is like asking a person to ignore a loaded gun pointed at their head. NOT REALISTIC!
I try hard, very hard, to not let things trigger me but it is impossible (for now). And sometimes, the mental mess is there for hours if not days.
Saturday I biked in a charity event. Biking is about my favorite thing in the whole world. I am proud to say that my “team” and I averaged just shy of 19 miles per hour for the whole 75 miles. Normally this kind of day would have left me chipper and high from my accomplishment but instead I was a fractured mess, fighting back tears and hating my life and my mind.
On the drive to the ride, Uwe called to tell me that traffic was a mess. When I asked him a question to clarify the directions he was telling me he snapped at me and became inpatient. I told him to calm down as I was only trying to understand. He backed off but I was already feeling the chink in my armor.
Then after a few hours of riding our group caught up with Uwe and he joined us. (Thousands of people out riding yet we just HAD to run into him.) The first thing he did was tease me that I didn’t say hi. Well I was cycling by him at about 25 miles an hour and I wasn’t even sure it was him he has lost so much weight I don’t automatically spot him like I used to. I did wave when he yelled at me and he accused me of flipping him off. He was joking…but not completely…you know.
At the next rest stop he snapped at me again when I didn’t catch a name he said and asked “who?”
Then at lunch time, again, he got mad that I didn’t hear him ask to take my photo. I was thinking and putting my bike up and he wasn’t that close. He yelled at me and I told him I didn’t hear. He accused me of lying. Said we were not getting along well. He was so irritated with me and I didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. I lost my appetite and choked back tears all through lunch.
After eating and mentally regrouping for about 15 minutes I walked up to him and said “can you please not yell at me no matter how stupid you think I am.” He acted sorry and gave me a hug. But by now my mind was reeling: I don’t want to cry but I can’t stop it. Why does he do this to me? How should I react? How can I prevent it? I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. How do I manage to have my friend turn on me like this? Why is he rude to me and so nice to everyone else? He used to be so nice to me! What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? I can’t even talk to him about it or he will get mad and impatient. Why can’t we just communicate nicely to each other? How do I get myself into this crap? How do I get myself out? Why didn’t my parents love me? Why don’t I know how to love myself so this won’t happen? If I was smart I could prevent this crap. And on and on it goes.
But mostly I just felt like I had been beaten and crushed emotionally and I was powerless to do anything about it.
Mike tells me I am too sensitive. I don’t want to let Uwe bother me but it does…..the fact that a person I trusted and loved has turned on me YET AGAIN….is crushing me. It crushes me because the emotional abuse from my parents taught me I was worthless and now deep down I believe it and here my “ex-best friend” is reinforcing the whole idea.
I am currently reading this book:
It does such a nice job of thoroughly explaining things so that people can understand what emotional abuse is and how even year later it can still effect a person. I am giving it to my husband to read next and one of my oldest dearest friends is getting a copy too. I KNOW he needs to read it to make sense of his life and hopefully it will give my husband a better understanding of what I am dealing with.
George is on vacation again this week. I will have SO MUCH to talk to him about when he gets back.
“He can’t make you upset unless you let him.”
I have heard this stuff over and over again and I always say the same thing…I WANT TO GET OVER IT MORE THAN ANYONE. Yet, I never could seem to get over it. I felt so helpless and out of control. But, now it makes perfect sense. It is not the person that is upsetting me…it is the fact that they are triggering me.
I was reading another blog and the author was explaining that people who are not triggered will never understand but the best way to say it is when you tell us to ignore an incident that triggers us it is like asking a person to ignore a loaded gun pointed at their head. NOT REALISTIC!
I try hard, very hard, to not let things trigger me but it is impossible (for now). And sometimes, the mental mess is there for hours if not days.
Saturday I biked in a charity event. Biking is about my favorite thing in the whole world. I am proud to say that my “team” and I averaged just shy of 19 miles per hour for the whole 75 miles. Normally this kind of day would have left me chipper and high from my accomplishment but instead I was a fractured mess, fighting back tears and hating my life and my mind.
On the drive to the ride, Uwe called to tell me that traffic was a mess. When I asked him a question to clarify the directions he was telling me he snapped at me and became inpatient. I told him to calm down as I was only trying to understand. He backed off but I was already feeling the chink in my armor.
Then after a few hours of riding our group caught up with Uwe and he joined us. (Thousands of people out riding yet we just HAD to run into him.) The first thing he did was tease me that I didn’t say hi. Well I was cycling by him at about 25 miles an hour and I wasn’t even sure it was him he has lost so much weight I don’t automatically spot him like I used to. I did wave when he yelled at me and he accused me of flipping him off. He was joking…but not completely…you know.
At the next rest stop he snapped at me again when I didn’t catch a name he said and asked “who?”
Then at lunch time, again, he got mad that I didn’t hear him ask to take my photo. I was thinking and putting my bike up and he wasn’t that close. He yelled at me and I told him I didn’t hear. He accused me of lying. Said we were not getting along well. He was so irritated with me and I didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. I lost my appetite and choked back tears all through lunch.
After eating and mentally regrouping for about 15 minutes I walked up to him and said “can you please not yell at me no matter how stupid you think I am.” He acted sorry and gave me a hug. But by now my mind was reeling: I don’t want to cry but I can’t stop it. Why does he do this to me? How should I react? How can I prevent it? I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. How do I manage to have my friend turn on me like this? Why is he rude to me and so nice to everyone else? He used to be so nice to me! What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? I can’t even talk to him about it or he will get mad and impatient. Why can’t we just communicate nicely to each other? How do I get myself into this crap? How do I get myself out? Why didn’t my parents love me? Why don’t I know how to love myself so this won’t happen? If I was smart I could prevent this crap. And on and on it goes.
But mostly I just felt like I had been beaten and crushed emotionally and I was powerless to do anything about it.
Mike tells me I am too sensitive. I don’t want to let Uwe bother me but it does…..the fact that a person I trusted and loved has turned on me YET AGAIN….is crushing me. It crushes me because the emotional abuse from my parents taught me I was worthless and now deep down I believe it and here my “ex-best friend” is reinforcing the whole idea.
I am currently reading this book:
It does such a nice job of thoroughly explaining things so that people can understand what emotional abuse is and how even year later it can still effect a person. I am giving it to my husband to read next and one of my oldest dearest friends is getting a copy too. I KNOW he needs to read it to make sense of his life and hopefully it will give my husband a better understanding of what I am dealing with.
George is on vacation again this week. I will have SO MUCH to talk to him about when he gets back.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Thinking Out Loud….Keeping it Real.
1) I know that my husband means well, that he loves me and he wants me to be happy. I don’t know how to tell him what I need. I think if I could do that he would be happier knowing what to do and I would be happier too. His natural instinct of what to do is pretty off from what I need.
2) I actively seek out people to give me positive feedback so I feel worthy. I am not capable of feeling worthy on my own. I do not know how to love myself. I only know how to feel good when OTHERS are giving me love or positive attention. I only see my value as how i am of value to others.
On the flip side, I am way to easily emotionally decimated when a person I care about is mad at me or is negative to me at all.
3) Negative spirals happen in my head all the time and I can’t seem to stop them. I literally think myself into a hole all the time. I MUST learn to stop this.
4) I am a terrible communicator. I can type a memo at work that rocks, but when it comes to personal relationships I really don’t seem to ever properly convey to others how I really feel, what I really think or what I expect / need.
5) Taking that a step farther I would go so far as to say I don’t know how to connect with others therefore I always long for closer friends or more friends (better relationships). I always see other peoples bonds and wonder why I can’t have that too.
6) I have been trained to try and keep those around me happy, to not make waves, to be invisible less I get in the line of fire. As an adult, these skills are NOT working for me.
7) I can’t lose the last 5 pounds I need / want to lose because I keep numbing my mind with wine. I am now, drinking almost a whole bottle every day!
8) I really would like to be in a stable and loving relationship. BUT, I do not believe it is possible, AND even if it was, it would not last and I would lose ANOTHER loved one which would hurt so badly that I could not bear it so therefore I am probably better off to not love anyone. Then again…..the thing I want more than anything in the world is to love and feel loved!
9) I feel like I am working really hard (and have been for the past 10 years) to figure out what is wrong with me and work on it and become a better person. I also feel that NO ONE appreciates that or understands that but me. I guess it is wrong for me to expect anyone else to understand or give me credit for working so hard. In fact most people seem to think I am wasting my time and I need to “get over it”. I think that is why the blogs help….at least someone gets it. (why does that matter so much???)
10) Rocco always made me feel loved and safe…..for years. No one had ever done that before. Until he didn’t and it ruined any sense of stability in my heart and mind. (I figured out that both Rocco and his wife are triggers for me...no wonder they "scare" me!)
2) I actively seek out people to give me positive feedback so I feel worthy. I am not capable of feeling worthy on my own. I do not know how to love myself. I only know how to feel good when OTHERS are giving me love or positive attention. I only see my value as how i am of value to others.
On the flip side, I am way to easily emotionally decimated when a person I care about is mad at me or is negative to me at all.
3) Negative spirals happen in my head all the time and I can’t seem to stop them. I literally think myself into a hole all the time. I MUST learn to stop this.
4) I am a terrible communicator. I can type a memo at work that rocks, but when it comes to personal relationships I really don’t seem to ever properly convey to others how I really feel, what I really think or what I expect / need.
5) Taking that a step farther I would go so far as to say I don’t know how to connect with others therefore I always long for closer friends or more friends (better relationships). I always see other peoples bonds and wonder why I can’t have that too.
6) I have been trained to try and keep those around me happy, to not make waves, to be invisible less I get in the line of fire. As an adult, these skills are NOT working for me.
7) I can’t lose the last 5 pounds I need / want to lose because I keep numbing my mind with wine. I am now, drinking almost a whole bottle every day!
8) I really would like to be in a stable and loving relationship. BUT, I do not believe it is possible, AND even if it was, it would not last and I would lose ANOTHER loved one which would hurt so badly that I could not bear it so therefore I am probably better off to not love anyone. Then again…..the thing I want more than anything in the world is to love and feel loved!
9) I feel like I am working really hard (and have been for the past 10 years) to figure out what is wrong with me and work on it and become a better person. I also feel that NO ONE appreciates that or understands that but me. I guess it is wrong for me to expect anyone else to understand or give me credit for working so hard. In fact most people seem to think I am wasting my time and I need to “get over it”. I think that is why the blogs help….at least someone gets it. (why does that matter so much???)
10) Rocco always made me feel loved and safe…..for years. No one had ever done that before. Until he didn’t and it ruined any sense of stability in my heart and mind. (I figured out that both Rocco and his wife are triggers for me...no wonder they "scare" me!)
Friday, August 23, 2013
Uwe is Triggering Me
So we all know that Uwe has been unkind to me lately. That he has upset me and made me cry. Now we all know why I am so sensitive to his “rejection” because it is triggering the childhood trauma in me that feels no one will love her and people she loves keep hurting her.
I have been making it a point to stay out of harm’s way. I have not been going around him much and especially not if I sense he is spoiling for a fight. He has been better lately and I am not sure why. He of course is still blaming me for all this.
I know that George warned me that I need to think before I react. I actually did do it yesterday morning when Uwe said something unkind and I just sat there. I didn’t cry or anything. He then said “I guess that sounded mean….I was just kidding”. I think his *jokes* illustrate his low opinion of me at this point.
Then last night after our group bike ride I had planned to just go home and not stay and tailgate party in the lot with my friends mostly to avoid him. Then I remembered I had some business with Ashton. She was supposed to have brought a bike rack for me to buy for Valarie. I went over to talk to her and Uwe offered me a Limarita. I told him no thank you so he reached back in his cooler and pulls out a frozen fruity drink. Again I say no thank you and start talking to Ashton again. THEN he pulled out a pumpkin beer and offers it to me. As I was saying “now that I will take”, Bob spoke up and asked for it. He handed it to Bob and when I got his attention back I told him I WOULD take one of those. Uwe then YELLED at me that he only had one more and it was HIS (it was more words than that but I can’t recall exactly how it went). He was very dismissive (who cares what you want in his voice) and I was immediately hurt then pissed. My head felt hot and before I thought about it I flipped him the bird, said “FUCK YOU” and stormed off. Probably would have been better to dissolve into tears this time. But I am actually feeling a bit less hurt by him and more mad which is an improvement.
Being there were about 20 people watching he followed me and apologized and tried to give me his beer. (I am positive if no one was around he would not have even pretended to care.) I was feeling embarrassed and wanted to leave but assumed it might be best if I acted fine and joined the group so I did. I really just want to cry A LOT, and then disappear from the face of the earth. But instead I had to walk over to the group and play it cool.
Tater knew I had been triggered and Bob only saw Uwe follow me so later he tells me that I was totally over reacting because Uwe was obviously concerned. Of course Uwe was really pissed off and made sure to tell me later that I my behavior was very ”inappropriate”.
I was VERY upset that I had let him push my buttons and I had exploded in front of everyone. His yelling at me was not that dramatic and most people were not paying attention so now I look like the total nut job that is acting way out of line. No one knows he has been whittling away at me for months. Everyone thinks he is a super nice guy that would never be mean.
I hate hate hate feeling out of control. I hate asking him to forgive me because really no matter what he does I shouldn’t act like an ass in return. My mom always said “two wrongs don’t make a right”.
I hate feeling like I won’t be able to control myself if it happens again. I look back at last night and think all I had to do was look at him and say with confidence “Got it Uwe…you don’t need to yell at me.” And then he would have felt stupid, not me.
I am feeling very out of control here and it’s scary!
I know you will all say I need to stay away from him. Thing is I would have alter my whole schedule to avoid him and I would also have to avoid my running group and my cycling friends which is just not a viable solution. So….somehow I need to get over this but I am scared that this reaction to him is coming from such a base (instinctual) place that I won’t be able to fix it any time soon.
I have been making it a point to stay out of harm’s way. I have not been going around him much and especially not if I sense he is spoiling for a fight. He has been better lately and I am not sure why. He of course is still blaming me for all this.
I know that George warned me that I need to think before I react. I actually did do it yesterday morning when Uwe said something unkind and I just sat there. I didn’t cry or anything. He then said “I guess that sounded mean….I was just kidding”. I think his *jokes* illustrate his low opinion of me at this point.
Then last night after our group bike ride I had planned to just go home and not stay and tailgate party in the lot with my friends mostly to avoid him. Then I remembered I had some business with Ashton. She was supposed to have brought a bike rack for me to buy for Valarie. I went over to talk to her and Uwe offered me a Limarita. I told him no thank you so he reached back in his cooler and pulls out a frozen fruity drink. Again I say no thank you and start talking to Ashton again. THEN he pulled out a pumpkin beer and offers it to me. As I was saying “now that I will take”, Bob spoke up and asked for it. He handed it to Bob and when I got his attention back I told him I WOULD take one of those. Uwe then YELLED at me that he only had one more and it was HIS (it was more words than that but I can’t recall exactly how it went). He was very dismissive (who cares what you want in his voice) and I was immediately hurt then pissed. My head felt hot and before I thought about it I flipped him the bird, said “FUCK YOU” and stormed off. Probably would have been better to dissolve into tears this time. But I am actually feeling a bit less hurt by him and more mad which is an improvement.
Being there were about 20 people watching he followed me and apologized and tried to give me his beer. (I am positive if no one was around he would not have even pretended to care.) I was feeling embarrassed and wanted to leave but assumed it might be best if I acted fine and joined the group so I did. I really just want to cry A LOT, and then disappear from the face of the earth. But instead I had to walk over to the group and play it cool.
Tater knew I had been triggered and Bob only saw Uwe follow me so later he tells me that I was totally over reacting because Uwe was obviously concerned. Of course Uwe was really pissed off and made sure to tell me later that I my behavior was very ”inappropriate”.
I was VERY upset that I had let him push my buttons and I had exploded in front of everyone. His yelling at me was not that dramatic and most people were not paying attention so now I look like the total nut job that is acting way out of line. No one knows he has been whittling away at me for months. Everyone thinks he is a super nice guy that would never be mean.
I hate hate hate feeling out of control. I hate asking him to forgive me because really no matter what he does I shouldn’t act like an ass in return. My mom always said “two wrongs don’t make a right”.
I hate feeling like I won’t be able to control myself if it happens again. I look back at last night and think all I had to do was look at him and say with confidence “Got it Uwe…you don’t need to yell at me.” And then he would have felt stupid, not me.
I am feeling very out of control here and it’s scary!
I know you will all say I need to stay away from him. Thing is I would have alter my whole schedule to avoid him and I would also have to avoid my running group and my cycling friends which is just not a viable solution. So….somehow I need to get over this but I am scared that this reaction to him is coming from such a base (instinctual) place that I won’t be able to fix it any time soon.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Thursday's with George
Today George told me I married my husband because I was trying to finish my unfinished business with my parents. George really likes “Imago Theory”. I told him it’s not true. I would NEVER have married him if it weren’t for Beanie. I would have only married a person I considered kind and a friend of mine.
My ex was a really really nice guy. Rocco was my best friend and very kind to me except in the end when it got a little weird. I am not in the habit of hooking up with people that treat me poorly (unless they change on me).
He then asked me why I bother to stay with my husband if I am that unhappy with him. I told him I don’t think being a single mother would make me any happier. I can live with my husband (mostly) and this way we share the responsibly and it is not all on me.
He once again reminded me that things are improving with my husband and I should be happy. He wants me to focus on the positive. I get that but you know what….at this rate of change it will take another 20 years before I am happily married. HA!
Then we were talking about my feelings as a child. He was really challenging me to go back and think about how I felt at the time and what I was thinking. At first I couldn’t come up with anything new or earth shattering. Then I thought a little harder and did come up with a few things I found VERY interesting.
First, my father used to have an accordion and once in a while, in the evening he would drink some wine and bust that thing out of the closet and we would all party it up and laugh and have such a good time. Really my mother is NEVER fun. My father could be very fun at times.
I wonder what ever happened to his accordion?
The other thing I remembered was when my father moved out, which wasn’t long after my older sister moved out, I felt very hurt and confused by their departures. These days people would certainly worry that the child may be traumatized by such changes but I recall back then everyone acting like I should not be emotionally affected at all. And….this is the interesting part, I believed them! I remember feeling that I should NOT have feelings and trying so hard to make them go away. I remember thinking I was crazy because I was sad and I had no reason to be sad. I stuffed all my sadness down and acted like everything was fine because that is what “the world” seemed to expect from me. I remember all of 4th and 5th grade feeling “lost” because of the changes and my inner turmoil with it all.
It is just so hard when you are a child because you have no frame of reference. All you know is what the adults around you tell you and if it is total bullshit then you don’t know any better. It’s sad really…..that they crushed my little soul. I know they didn’t mean to so I really don’t feel “mad” at my parents. I do feel mad at the world though. Mad because I feel like I never had a chance. Like “it” got me and still gets me and I don’t know how to free myself from it.
I am so tired of feeling hurt, angry and sad. I know I should let it go but I don’t know how to!
I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I bet my blood pressure is NOT good.
*************
PS - so pissed i can't type on the "compose" tab of this blog and i don't have time to research why!
PSS - I think my internet browser is so old and that is why my "compose" tab won't work. I tried to upgrade it but failed. I will see if our IT guy can fix it next time he is in the office.
My ex was a really really nice guy. Rocco was my best friend and very kind to me except in the end when it got a little weird. I am not in the habit of hooking up with people that treat me poorly (unless they change on me).
He then asked me why I bother to stay with my husband if I am that unhappy with him. I told him I don’t think being a single mother would make me any happier. I can live with my husband (mostly) and this way we share the responsibly and it is not all on me.
He once again reminded me that things are improving with my husband and I should be happy. He wants me to focus on the positive. I get that but you know what….at this rate of change it will take another 20 years before I am happily married. HA!
Then we were talking about my feelings as a child. He was really challenging me to go back and think about how I felt at the time and what I was thinking. At first I couldn’t come up with anything new or earth shattering. Then I thought a little harder and did come up with a few things I found VERY interesting.
First, my father used to have an accordion and once in a while, in the evening he would drink some wine and bust that thing out of the closet and we would all party it up and laugh and have such a good time. Really my mother is NEVER fun. My father could be very fun at times.
I wonder what ever happened to his accordion?
The other thing I remembered was when my father moved out, which wasn’t long after my older sister moved out, I felt very hurt and confused by their departures. These days people would certainly worry that the child may be traumatized by such changes but I recall back then everyone acting like I should not be emotionally affected at all. And….this is the interesting part, I believed them! I remember feeling that I should NOT have feelings and trying so hard to make them go away. I remember thinking I was crazy because I was sad and I had no reason to be sad. I stuffed all my sadness down and acted like everything was fine because that is what “the world” seemed to expect from me. I remember all of 4th and 5th grade feeling “lost” because of the changes and my inner turmoil with it all.
It is just so hard when you are a child because you have no frame of reference. All you know is what the adults around you tell you and if it is total bullshit then you don’t know any better. It’s sad really…..that they crushed my little soul. I know they didn’t mean to so I really don’t feel “mad” at my parents. I do feel mad at the world though. Mad because I feel like I never had a chance. Like “it” got me and still gets me and I don’t know how to free myself from it.
I am so tired of feeling hurt, angry and sad. I know I should let it go but I don’t know how to!
I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I bet my blood pressure is NOT good.
*************
PS - so pissed i can't type on the "compose" tab of this blog and i don't have time to research why!
PSS - I think my internet browser is so old and that is why my "compose" tab won't work. I tried to upgrade it but failed. I will see if our IT guy can fix it next time he is in the office.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Ma
My mother was always a good girl and minded her folks. She was always a good student. She told me when she was in high school, just for fun, she decided to read all the books in the library. She started at one end reading them in order on down the shelf. I hope it was a fairly small library!
Later when she went off to college her folks got mad at her because she dated a Jewish boy. Oh the horror! LOL Originally on track for a teaching degree; student teaching changed her mind so she switched majors to Engineering; a bold move for a girl in the late 40s. She graduated with honors in just 3 years because classes were free after so many credit hours so she just loaded up.
Armed with a degree in Electrical Engineering she landed a job at McDonald Douglas and moved from Iowa to St. Louis. One time she showed me some of her old work clothes. She had the dresses with the cinched up waste and darted bodice; matching purses and shoes to go with. I even tried one on and it fit. I think she had a pretty nice build in her time.
While working she dated a lot, searching for the perfect husband, but in no rush since she could certainly support herself. Eventually she met my father and they fell in love. She obviously was OK with my father leaving his wife for her yet this is something we have never discussed. I am sure my father painted a good picture to make it all work. I also believe she was very naïve about the ways of the world.
They got married in my Grandparents church in Iowa. It was a small wedding and she only received a wedding band, no engagement ring. I am sure times were tight but I think she was too “frugal” to ask for much. She would return to the house that my father’s ex-wife had recently vacated complete with 2 teenagers still living there. She was pretty shocked by them.
Once pregnant with me she had to quit work as soon as she was showing…company policy. So she became a stay at home mom. I was born almost exactly one year after they were wed. Her favorite story of all is when my little brother was born, the nurses all came to look at the old lady who had given birth at the ripe old age of 38.
My older (half) sister was about 16 when I was born and has since told me many a story of how terrible my mother was with kids and how she can’t believe we survived. From my own memory I recall things like she did not brush my hair so I had a terrible permanent rats nest in the back where my coat would rub. Oh and she can’t cook anything but meat loaf and it is an acquired taste. My mother does not talk baby talk to babies (or anyone). I didn’t know that until I had her grandkids and she told me she won’t and doesn’t talk baby talk ever.
I remember her always trying to keep us in line so we would not upset our father. Pop was the moody one prone to lash out for no reason. We “walked on egg shells” at my house. My mother was the negative and co-dependent. She was always critical and telling us how we were wrong. They were both very emotionally distant and did not hug us or tell us they loved us. We were not treated affectionately at all. I recall as an adult thinking I should hug my parents and forcing myself to do it. It always feels awkward and forced.
When I was a kid I was not allowed in my parent’s bed room or the office (spare bedroom). Both rooms had an imaginary gate that we were not allowed to cross. If our parent was in that room and we needed them we stood at the doorway and yelled after them. Also, we were not allowed in the dining room or living room. Large portions of the house were off limits. I chuckled when the living room chairs were finally old and worn out and had to be thrown away. No one had ever sat in them. They just faded away after sitting there in the fancy room for so many years.
When I was born I was given my older (half) brothers room while he was off fighting in Vietnam. My mom would never repaint the walls a new color because it was too much work so the whole 16 years I lived there I had olive green walls.
My parents also always conveyed to us one way or another that we were not important. That we were not considered people (no child was). We did not have feelings or opinions of worth to the adults. My parents certainly communicated that. There was always this message of “oh please don’t tell me you are upset! You are a child. You have no worries. You can’t possibly be upset.”
My mother was a martyr always reminding us how she sacrificed everything she wanted for everyone else. She would say “I had a great figure till I had you kids”. Or “I used to be able to read till I had you kids”. I remember when Friss was young and I went to college and I felt guilty for not having more time for him but then I thought to myself…at least I am not complaining that I “can’t go to college because I had you” Which is what my mother would have said.
Later when she went off to college her folks got mad at her because she dated a Jewish boy. Oh the horror! LOL Originally on track for a teaching degree; student teaching changed her mind so she switched majors to Engineering; a bold move for a girl in the late 40s. She graduated with honors in just 3 years because classes were free after so many credit hours so she just loaded up.
Armed with a degree in Electrical Engineering she landed a job at McDonald Douglas and moved from Iowa to St. Louis. One time she showed me some of her old work clothes. She had the dresses with the cinched up waste and darted bodice; matching purses and shoes to go with. I even tried one on and it fit. I think she had a pretty nice build in her time.
While working she dated a lot, searching for the perfect husband, but in no rush since she could certainly support herself. Eventually she met my father and they fell in love. She obviously was OK with my father leaving his wife for her yet this is something we have never discussed. I am sure my father painted a good picture to make it all work. I also believe she was very naïve about the ways of the world.
They got married in my Grandparents church in Iowa. It was a small wedding and she only received a wedding band, no engagement ring. I am sure times were tight but I think she was too “frugal” to ask for much. She would return to the house that my father’s ex-wife had recently vacated complete with 2 teenagers still living there. She was pretty shocked by them.
Once pregnant with me she had to quit work as soon as she was showing…company policy. So she became a stay at home mom. I was born almost exactly one year after they were wed. Her favorite story of all is when my little brother was born, the nurses all came to look at the old lady who had given birth at the ripe old age of 38.
My older (half) sister was about 16 when I was born and has since told me many a story of how terrible my mother was with kids and how she can’t believe we survived. From my own memory I recall things like she did not brush my hair so I had a terrible permanent rats nest in the back where my coat would rub. Oh and she can’t cook anything but meat loaf and it is an acquired taste. My mother does not talk baby talk to babies (or anyone). I didn’t know that until I had her grandkids and she told me she won’t and doesn’t talk baby talk ever.
I remember her always trying to keep us in line so we would not upset our father. Pop was the moody one prone to lash out for no reason. We “walked on egg shells” at my house. My mother was the negative and co-dependent. She was always critical and telling us how we were wrong. They were both very emotionally distant and did not hug us or tell us they loved us. We were not treated affectionately at all. I recall as an adult thinking I should hug my parents and forcing myself to do it. It always feels awkward and forced.
When I was a kid I was not allowed in my parent’s bed room or the office (spare bedroom). Both rooms had an imaginary gate that we were not allowed to cross. If our parent was in that room and we needed them we stood at the doorway and yelled after them. Also, we were not allowed in the dining room or living room. Large portions of the house were off limits. I chuckled when the living room chairs were finally old and worn out and had to be thrown away. No one had ever sat in them. They just faded away after sitting there in the fancy room for so many years.
When I was born I was given my older (half) brothers room while he was off fighting in Vietnam. My mom would never repaint the walls a new color because it was too much work so the whole 16 years I lived there I had olive green walls.
My parents also always conveyed to us one way or another that we were not important. That we were not considered people (no child was). We did not have feelings or opinions of worth to the adults. My parents certainly communicated that. There was always this message of “oh please don’t tell me you are upset! You are a child. You have no worries. You can’t possibly be upset.”
My mother was a martyr always reminding us how she sacrificed everything she wanted for everyone else. She would say “I had a great figure till I had you kids”. Or “I used to be able to read till I had you kids”. I remember when Friss was young and I went to college and I felt guilty for not having more time for him but then I thought to myself…at least I am not complaining that I “can’t go to college because I had you” Which is what my mother would have said.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Connecting the Dots
WOW...been reading and thinking a lot today. (In between work projects)
I am realizing all kinds of things. I am connecting dots that I had not connected before.
I am seeing things a bit clearer.
I was mulling over why it seems I was fine until Rocco’s left….or started to fuss about leaving. At the time he was attracted to a young woman at work and he started acting distant to me. He also started to be critical of me in ways he had never been before. For example I was always more of a down to earth girl with long hair and he was fine with that for years but then he changed and began telling me to cut my hair and dress up more. Later I found out that his now wife was all about dressing up and wearing high heels to work. She has shoulder length hair. The point is when he got critical and distant that triggered me because now the love of my life was treating me like my parents did. He was validating all that they had taught me. Before this I had pretty much been fine emotionally, rising above my past and feeling “normal”. I never could understand why I COMPLETELY fell apart when he “turned” on me but now it makes perfect sense. (Not like he was the first guy to dump me but they were not my soul mate.)
Ever since then I have been struggling because now my parents and my soul mate have “told” me that I am NOT worthy of their love. NO WONDER I AM UNHAPPY.
Then, I get tangled up with my husband….he was abusive from the start. He used to “disappear” if he felt like it. I hated it but we were just dating so I tried not to let it bother me. Later I got pregnant and we were forced to try and build a relationship. Once again, I am stuck with someone who does not love me! More validation. (I do believe he loves me now I just don’t know how to get past my resentment for the past and my logical fear that his love won’t last anyway.)
Thinking about relationships in general today I had a thought. I have always assumed that ALL relationships were difficult like mine and I just didn't know how to "handle" people or relationships would be easier. I have always blamed the fact that relationships are painful for me and that people hurt me on the fact that I am not strong enough or good with people, etc. I would see other women who had sweet attentive husbands and think “I wish I knew how she does it?” Meaning she has tricks to guilt him or manipulate him so she gets what she wants. I just thought I didn’t know how to demand respect so I got walked on.
Now I am thinking that I have been trained to hurt myself....and stay around people that hurt me. That other people really don't suffer and it's not because they have more skills...it’s because they grew up with a healthy view of themselves and now they have formed normal healthy relationships. No one ever brainwashed them into submission.
Just now I realized I should talk to my brother about this …..He may have insight or it may actually help him to make sense of his life.
Friss too. I was reading where people tend to pass this crap on to their own kids. After all it is how we are trained to behave. I hate the thought of actually treating my kids like I was treated as a child. I sure hope I am not doing it.
I found a book I am going to read. It is called “The Box of Daughter” by Katherine Mayfield. I am really excited to read it and talk more with George about all this.
I am realizing all kinds of things. I am connecting dots that I had not connected before.
I am seeing things a bit clearer.
I was mulling over why it seems I was fine until Rocco’s left….or started to fuss about leaving. At the time he was attracted to a young woman at work and he started acting distant to me. He also started to be critical of me in ways he had never been before. For example I was always more of a down to earth girl with long hair and he was fine with that for years but then he changed and began telling me to cut my hair and dress up more. Later I found out that his now wife was all about dressing up and wearing high heels to work. She has shoulder length hair. The point is when he got critical and distant that triggered me because now the love of my life was treating me like my parents did. He was validating all that they had taught me. Before this I had pretty much been fine emotionally, rising above my past and feeling “normal”. I never could understand why I COMPLETELY fell apart when he “turned” on me but now it makes perfect sense. (Not like he was the first guy to dump me but they were not my soul mate.)
Ever since then I have been struggling because now my parents and my soul mate have “told” me that I am NOT worthy of their love. NO WONDER I AM UNHAPPY.
Then, I get tangled up with my husband….he was abusive from the start. He used to “disappear” if he felt like it. I hated it but we were just dating so I tried not to let it bother me. Later I got pregnant and we were forced to try and build a relationship. Once again, I am stuck with someone who does not love me! More validation. (I do believe he loves me now I just don’t know how to get past my resentment for the past and my logical fear that his love won’t last anyway.)
Thinking about relationships in general today I had a thought. I have always assumed that ALL relationships were difficult like mine and I just didn't know how to "handle" people or relationships would be easier. I have always blamed the fact that relationships are painful for me and that people hurt me on the fact that I am not strong enough or good with people, etc. I would see other women who had sweet attentive husbands and think “I wish I knew how she does it?” Meaning she has tricks to guilt him or manipulate him so she gets what she wants. I just thought I didn’t know how to demand respect so I got walked on.
Now I am thinking that I have been trained to hurt myself....and stay around people that hurt me. That other people really don't suffer and it's not because they have more skills...it’s because they grew up with a healthy view of themselves and now they have formed normal healthy relationships. No one ever brainwashed them into submission.
Just now I realized I should talk to my brother about this …..He may have insight or it may actually help him to make sense of his life.
Friss too. I was reading where people tend to pass this crap on to their own kids. After all it is how we are trained to behave. I hate the thought of actually treating my kids like I was treated as a child. I sure hope I am not doing it.
I found a book I am going to read. It is called “The Box of Daughter” by Katherine Mayfield. I am really excited to read it and talk more with George about all this.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Emotional Abuse
After talking with George last week, I decided to seek out more information on emotional abuse.
Since I became an adult I knew my parents had been somewhat physically abusive with me but until today I don’t think I really understood how much I was emotionally abused as a child and all the harm it has done in my life.
In the past I have said “I have emotional scars from my child hood” and I mainly attributed that to Pop leaving me and not showing me any love or attention.
But now I am thinking “I was emotionally abused as a child and I have a whole set off issues that I am now left to deal with”.
When I was talking to George I kept crying because I kept thinking how my parents did not allow me to actually be a person and stuffed all my thoughts and feeling down my throat. For some reason the word “stuffed” was what came to mind. They did not yell at me, but they did not allow me to talk much less have an opinion or feelings. They robbed me of any and all power/strength. The worst beating I ever received was for simply saying NO.
So…I Googled “Emotionally abused as a child” and it’s me….ALL the issues I have rolled into one package. So here is the list of Characteristics of Emotionally Abused People:
• We have feelings of low self- esteem (This is a result of being criticized too often as children and teenagers.)
• We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionist, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.
• We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.
• We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain "loyal" in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved.
• We are afraid of losing others.
• We are afraid of being abandoned.
• It is difficult for us to "let go." <<< I really need to get past this one!
• We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
• We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities. <<< My husband!?!
• We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power)
as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. And we confuse love with need. <<< Maybe I am not really sure what love is. Isn’t that sad.
• We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others' problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.
• We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.
• We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.
• We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us from ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. Because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won't eventually leave us once they see how "bad" we are.
• Denial, isolation, control, shame, and undeserved guilt are legacies from our family. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.
• We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions. We often become codependent.
• We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end. << Ha! The one thing I would say is NOT me. I learned years ago if you have ADD and you procrastinate you will NEVER get ANYTHING accomplished. I tend to actually be overly aggressive and try to get more done than I really should.
• We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.
Now that I have a nice neat title for all this crap I hope I can finally get on the path to improvement because quite honestly I started back to therapy over 6 months ago and mostly I feel worse, not better, than I have in years. All this self exploration is so draining.
Since I became an adult I knew my parents had been somewhat physically abusive with me but until today I don’t think I really understood how much I was emotionally abused as a child and all the harm it has done in my life.
In the past I have said “I have emotional scars from my child hood” and I mainly attributed that to Pop leaving me and not showing me any love or attention.
But now I am thinking “I was emotionally abused as a child and I have a whole set off issues that I am now left to deal with”.
When I was talking to George I kept crying because I kept thinking how my parents did not allow me to actually be a person and stuffed all my thoughts and feeling down my throat. For some reason the word “stuffed” was what came to mind. They did not yell at me, but they did not allow me to talk much less have an opinion or feelings. They robbed me of any and all power/strength. The worst beating I ever received was for simply saying NO.
So…I Googled “Emotionally abused as a child” and it’s me….ALL the issues I have rolled into one package. So here is the list of Characteristics of Emotionally Abused People:
• We have feelings of low self- esteem (This is a result of being criticized too often as children and teenagers.)
• We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionist, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.
• We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.
• We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain "loyal" in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved.
• We are afraid of losing others.
• We are afraid of being abandoned.
• It is difficult for us to "let go." <<< I really need to get past this one!
• We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
• We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities. <<< My husband!?!
• We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power)
as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. And we confuse love with need. <<< Maybe I am not really sure what love is. Isn’t that sad.
• We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others' problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.
• We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.
• We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.
• We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us from ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. Because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won't eventually leave us once they see how "bad" we are.
• Denial, isolation, control, shame, and undeserved guilt are legacies from our family. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.
• We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions. We often become codependent.
• We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end. << Ha! The one thing I would say is NOT me. I learned years ago if you have ADD and you procrastinate you will NEVER get ANYTHING accomplished. I tend to actually be overly aggressive and try to get more done than I really should.
• We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.
Now that I have a nice neat title for all this crap I hope I can finally get on the path to improvement because quite honestly I started back to therapy over 6 months ago and mostly I feel worse, not better, than I have in years. All this self exploration is so draining.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
An Hour with George
Today when I went to see George, I had a list of things to discuss:
1) Trust issues in ALL relationships
2) Abandonment issues with loved ones
3) Why the meltdown when Uwe yelled at me? Why don’t I (can’t I) respond appropriately and remain calm and explain to him that he is being unfair to yell at me and insist I get treated with respect vs. me having a meltdown and crying right there in the middle of the road.
4) CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy
5) I am overly sensitive
6) Why does life seem like it’s no fun….it wasn’t always this way.
I get there, we chat a bit. He tells me a little about CBT and then, when I finally tell George about the issues with Uwe walking all over me he quickly said “well you are responding like a child not an adult” ...AND he is right (as usual) and he says that I learned to respond like this as a child when my father would NEVER allow me to be a person, have an opinion or even irritate him in any way. As a child we were usually smacked around if we irritated our folks in the slightest and if it was our lucky day they MIGHT tell us why we got in trouble. Basically when I was a child, I was taught that I was not of value and I still (deep down inside) believe it. And therefore, I still react like a hurt little girl when people treat me badly.
So I ask him...can we fix it? He says it won’t be easy because my gut reaction is to revert. For starters he says I need to be aware of what I am doing. Maybe think (or say) to Uwe, you are NOT my father and you can’t make me crumble. I kind of decided that I don’t really want to drag Pop into my head all the time but the key is “am I behaving like an adult or dissolving into childish behavior”?
I do not want to behave like a child and I need to be aware of when it is happening (or about to happen) and try to avert the habitual reaction. Instead of reacting instinctively and emotionally, I need to stop and think, take a deep breath and mentally step back to really look at the situation objectively. I need to be an adult.
I need to STOP being the abused child that grew up to be an abused adult because I don’t know how else to be!
(Interestingly enough, all my topics were pretty much addressed by the realization that I am stuck as a child in this way.)
1) Trust issues in ALL relationships
2) Abandonment issues with loved ones
3) Why the meltdown when Uwe yelled at me? Why don’t I (can’t I) respond appropriately and remain calm and explain to him that he is being unfair to yell at me and insist I get treated with respect vs. me having a meltdown and crying right there in the middle of the road.
4) CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy
5) I am overly sensitive
6) Why does life seem like it’s no fun….it wasn’t always this way.
I get there, we chat a bit. He tells me a little about CBT and then, when I finally tell George about the issues with Uwe walking all over me he quickly said “well you are responding like a child not an adult” ...AND he is right (as usual) and he says that I learned to respond like this as a child when my father would NEVER allow me to be a person, have an opinion or even irritate him in any way. As a child we were usually smacked around if we irritated our folks in the slightest and if it was our lucky day they MIGHT tell us why we got in trouble. Basically when I was a child, I was taught that I was not of value and I still (deep down inside) believe it. And therefore, I still react like a hurt little girl when people treat me badly.
So I ask him...can we fix it? He says it won’t be easy because my gut reaction is to revert. For starters he says I need to be aware of what I am doing. Maybe think (or say) to Uwe, you are NOT my father and you can’t make me crumble. I kind of decided that I don’t really want to drag Pop into my head all the time but the key is “am I behaving like an adult or dissolving into childish behavior”?
I do not want to behave like a child and I need to be aware of when it is happening (or about to happen) and try to avert the habitual reaction. Instead of reacting instinctively and emotionally, I need to stop and think, take a deep breath and mentally step back to really look at the situation objectively. I need to be an adult.
I need to STOP being the abused child that grew up to be an abused adult because I don’t know how else to be!
(Interestingly enough, all my topics were pretty much addressed by the realization that I am stuck as a child in this way.)
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