Stina

Stina is my newest friend. I have only known her for about a year. I actually met her while running just like I met Terry. After we ran together a few times, she texted me and said she had a great time and enjoyed talking to me. Well I was just thrilled that she liked me and I wasn’t really even trying to win her over. After that we ran together a lot and talked a lot and became friends, not just running buddies.

Stina is only 28 years old but the huge difference in age does not seem to be an issue. Best of all she doesn’t seem to view me as being an old hag or a nut job! Which still amazes me because over the year we have known each other I have slowly but surely really opened up to her and she knows a hell of a lot about me these days.

She is a lot of fun and she is pretty. She is not a real girly girl. She’s just cool and interesting.

Stina is just a good person and she gives off a great vibe. She is always pleasant to hang out with and ready to go for a run or whatever. A few weeks ago we went on a bike ride with Stina and after the ride and my daughter told me more than once how much she liked her .

No matter what mood I am in I can show up for a run and tell her all about what’s going on in my head and she will happily listen and be very accepting.

Terry

Terry is my rock. HE is my BFF (best friend forever). I met him about 8 years ago because we were both doing the early morning group runs and running at the same pace. We have spent MANY, many hours running together and all of them were fun. Terry is a talker…..he has more stories than the Sears tower! He is always entertaining. Heck, it is not uncommon for him to bring cocktails for after a 6 am run on the weekend.

He makes a living by running a cosmetology school and beauty salon. He does hair for many old ladies and quite a few local celebrities. He treats them all with loads of respect and kindness…just like he treats everyone.

He also owns a Harley Davidson motorcycle and loves to go for road trips and get stupid drunk (only after he parks the bike.) Yes, that is where some of the best stories come from!

Terry is such an odd mix…hair stylist, Harley guy with tattoos, marathon runner and he cooks the best ribs in the world. I should know, I could not stop eating them until I made myself sick.

What I like best about Terry is the fact that I know… 100% for sure that he is NEVER going to change. He is the real deal, a genuine good soul. I know he would never turn his back on me. I have never had so much faith in a human being to be just who he is and never waiver.

If we don’t talk to each other for a while, the minute we see each other we start up right where we left off. It is never a struggle to reconnect. We don’t run together much now because he has been injured and I have gotten faster but we still make sure to keep in touch. I know he is there if I need him.

Another cool thing about Terry is he has never made any weird advances towards me…I’ve never had to fend him off………even after cocktails in a parking lot at 7 am!

Uwe - pronounced "Oo-va" (it's German)

Uwe and I have known each other about as long as I have known my husband. I met them both in the spring of 2006. Uwe and I even went out on a date when we first met. Obviously there were no sparks at the time. Not that I didn’t like him but I just didn’t view him romantically. He’s a bit pudgy and has been a bachelor for far too long (never been married). He eats a lot of junk food which kind of freaks me out. He works at the grocery store and stocks the chips so he always has a house full of chips and candy. He buys soda like it is important! On the up side, he keeps his fridge well stocked with beer and wine incase a friend should stop by.

We have a lot in common, we both bike and run and have a similar circle of friends and this spring because our paths kept crossing, we just started palling around together. Over the summer our relationship has grown and we have become very close.

I suspect that one of the reasons I like him so much is that he is rather the opposite of my husband. Uwe is kind to me and treats me with respect. He makes me feel valued and appreciated. He regularly tells me how pretty I am.

At this point, Julia says we are dating. Uwe and I do talk to each other every day and text each other all the time. We flirt and play with each other. I love love love to ride on his motorcycle with him. I so enjoy hanging out at his house where there are no negative vibes and I can relax and hide from my real life.

He is my escape and in many ways he gives me the emotional closeness that my husband won’t or can’t. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty but mostly I just really appreciate having someone so comfortable to be with.

Uwe is thoughtful. He will text me on the way to Sam’s and ask me if I need anything which is something my husband would NEVER do.

Julia

Julia is my "official" best friend. We came to know each other through my last official best friend. It’s a long and complicated story that I won’t relate here and now but one of these days I really need to blog it.

Julia and I have known each other for about 5 years but only gotten really close in the last two years. (Before we were close, she was dating my old best friend.)

Julia is always understanding and always willing to listen. She single handedly has kept me saner than any therapist could. She is a very beautiful and wise woman who I always wish I could be more like. She is that bubbly fun girl that everyone knows or wants to know. Everyone likes her. (well, except my old best friend. )

Julia and I can talk for hours nonstop. We try to get together at least once a week to just yap ourselves silly and drink a bottle of wine. We totally relate to each other and understand where each other is coming from. She gets me.

Happy? Happy!! (what is happy?)

<<< my necklace. I never take it off!

First let me say that the sun is out, I ran this morning and I am feeling pretty darn good today.

I know my last few posts have been a lot of complaining that I am not happy. But, upon further reflection, I have to say that happy…..may be the wrong term. Unbalanced or damaged may be more of what’s wrong with me rather than unhappy. I obviously get depressive at times but mostly I just can’t seem to find my inner peace and sense of well being.

Right now, I am pretty happy with life. Things are pretty good. Here are some details as to why I say this:


Work

I work for a small construction company doing accounting. Up until this year, this company was losing money like crazy and we were barely making payroll on a regular basis. Cash flow was a total nightmare because we had more going out than coming in for years. This is stressful when you are the head accountant and you are trying to juggle negotiating loans, dealing with angry vendors and making sure that everyone is paid on time.

This year, we are making lots of money. The bills are ALL paid and there is still plenty in the bank. On top of not having the cash issues to deal with, I have, over the years, managed to streamline my job, automate tasks, delegate duties and basically pare down my responsibilities so I am pretty much getting paid a lot to do very little. It is nice and I know I am lucky. I have plenty of time to blog and shop on line at work which is pretty awesome.

Teenagers

Monster is in college now (grown up?) and Ramone is in 11th grade. Although they still, from time to time, give me reason to be concerned, for the most part, lately, knock on wood, they have been well behaved and respectful and I can’t complain. Again….I know how lucky I am.

Beanie

Besides wetting the bed and being generally way crabbier than is necessary, the 4 year old is not so bad. She’s healthy, smart and well behaved. She is of course a lot of work and responsibility, but she is a lot of fun too. I keep hugging and kissing her as much as possible because I know it won’t be long and she will be too big for all that baby cuddling stuff.

Friss

Despite being incarcerated, this boy keeps making me proud. He has a great job doing computer programming. He has become a Buddhist and is extremely emotionally well balanced. (Wish I was too.) He is super smart and always has been. I know that when he gets out he will do great things. He really is an incredible man. (I can’t believe he will be 30 years old next year!)

Husband

Husband and I have not been fighting much. Things have been calm since the big fight before my birthday. I am not sure why this is exactly. My first thought would be that he is trying to be more responsive to me but at the same time I think I am caring less what he does or says to me. I have really been focusing on ignoring him….letting things just slide by me. And if I can’t get something out of my head I try to reflect on it in a different way. (see yesterdays post) Many times he is not intentionally being an ass and I have to keep reminding myself of that over and over again. Men really are airheads….probably because thinking about their penis is so time consuming.

Friends

And finally, the biggest change in the past few months, so maybe the reason things are better is I have a pretty good solid set of friends who really keep me company and make me feel loved. I am most certainly getting my social needs and some of my affection/acceptance needs met by them rather than my husband. Do I think this is good for my marriage? Yes and No. I think it is helping me to feel less negative about my relationship with my husband but at the same time I think it is not growing our marriage or making it stronger. If anything it is pulling me farther from him which is really a bad thing for a marriage as far as I know.

Tomorrow I will do a post on my friends because there is so much to say.

I Am Too Negative

Email sent to husband this morning:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you asked me if I was picking up Beanie, my knee jerk reaction was “NO…you can get her at least once a week!!”

At first all I could think of was that you only pick her up once a week and now you are trying to get out of it.

My apologies........for being so negative.

After more consideration, I realized that maybe you were thinking I expected to go out tonight after picking her up and have you pick her up tomorrow so I could have another night “free”.

Actually that had not crossed my mind before. I assumed that one night a week you would get her and I would do my “non kid” activities on that night.

I assumed that since tonight was a night I wanted to go out it was my one night of the week to be kid free.

Make sense?

Anyhow, now that Thursday biking after work is over, I kind of figured Wednesday night would be my free night unless there is something important that comes up and requires some adjustments.

Sound good?

(So you drop her off two days a week and pick her up one….screaming good deal if you ask me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See, what really happened is most of the summer he was picking her up on Thursday because I wanted to attend a group bike ride. Now that the season is over and the bike rack is off the car I assumed that he would not continue to think he was to pick her up on Thursday. That is where I jumped to the wrong conclusion. He had not put all that together and was still thinking that Thursday was his night; which is not wrong or bad of him. I was probably not clear about my ideas on the schedule so I sent this email to clarify. (I figured all this out while driving to work and mulling it over.)

After re-reading this email I can certainly see that I am a bit spiteful about the division of duties. He did not respond to this email at all. Later I requested a response and he said he could pick her up whenever I needed him to.

He would indeed pick her up any day if I asked him to however, he would not be happy about it and he would certainly make me pay in some passive aggressive manor.

We probably should sit down and discuss what we both think is fair and hammer out an agreement. Usually if I try to do this though, he won’t have a serious conversation with me. Instead, he will just say things like “anything you want dear” or “I think it is totally fair” even if he doesn’t. Maybe that is a huge part of the problem. We really don’t engage in productive conversations.

Really it’s just sad.

It was The Most Gorgeous Day of The Year

Yesterday, I got up and started doing motherly, wifely, household type things. I am OK with that….I’m a doer, I’m a wife and mother, and I do this stuff all the time; make coffee, unload dishwasher, put clothes away, take out trash, feed dog, etc.

Then the sun came up and the day was shaping up to be the most gorgeous day of the year. Fall leaves, light breeze, temperatures getting up in the 60…even 70s. Perfect.

At 8:30 Husband wanted to go to the gym so I of course let him go. He usually goes on Sunday morning. It is always better to let him go do his thing if he needs to / wants to….otherwise he is a grouch.

I decided to go ahead and do some cooking while he was gone and I was tending to our daughters needs. Husband was gone till well after 10 and I was really itching to get outside but sadly, stew was in the pot when he arrived so I had to stay in and watch it. He of course went right out to enjoy the weather and begged us to do the same.

I had hoped to finish up the cooking and head out but then I starting thinking…. Beanie had a birthday party to be at by 1 so we need to leave the house at 12:30. To be safe we need to have about an hour to get ready. It might take less time but always better to plan worst case scenario. Right?

By now it was almost 11 so I decided rather than run around outside, it would be best if we had some quiet time since the party was going to royally mess up nap time. Bean and I laid on the couch watching a princess movie. I hoped she would get in a cat nap but I am the one who dozed off.

At 11:30 we got up and got ready for the party and I struck a deal with the husband. I would not care if he skipped the party if I could have some free time (me time) when we returned after the party. It was the most gorgeous day of the year and I had not been outside yet so I was getting desperate. He agreed so I felt better as we shuffled off to the indoor party.

After the party, as I drove home, I thought about mountain biking……or hiking…….or calling my friend to go ride the motorcycle. Oh the list of things that sounded fun to do on a sunny afternoon was long.

As soon as we pulled in the drive, husband met the car looking super happy and excited. “How was the party? Want to see what I did while you were gone? Go get some pants on lets go out in the woods!!!”

Obviously wanting to hang out with me I could not say “but you promised me I could go have me time” so I put on my pants and we spent the next few hour out on our wooded acreage checking out all the trails he had cleared and cedar trees he had annihilated recently.

It was fun and so nice to be outside, but I still felt short changed. I felt that my day had been totally taken over by the family and I resented it. I then thought I must be a rotten wife and mother because I should be loving this not begrudging it. My daughter had a fun party with her best friend and my husband was in a great mood. Yet, I never get to do what I want to do for me. Well, I do sometimes, but not as much as everyone else.

Again….why the hell can’t I just be happy?

Conversation with my best Friend

Me: Husband did xxx again. He makes me crazy.

BF: Why don’t you make a list of all the things you need…no must have….to be happy and give it to him. Tell him you expect him to do the list if he wants you two to be happily married. (Like a job would do) And tell him if he can’t do these things or won’t do these things you will have to get a divorce because they are the minimum requirements for marriage in your opinion. And, at the same time, remember to let the other stuff go as long as he does what is on the list. You can’t gripe at him about what is not on the list.

Me: Great idea if my husband was a normal person, but he is not. He would agree to do it and then only do it half way or once in a while. He would figure out a way to make it look like he was compliant and cooperative yet still somehow NOT give me what I want. He hates having anyone tell him what to do. HATES IT!!!

BF: If he does that then leave him. Quit letting him play games with you.

Me: Seriously I have told him what I need and he gives it to me every 10th day or so…..just enough to keep me from going over the edge.

Me: You know I can’t leave him. I hate being single. I would hate being single way more than I hate putting up with him.

BF: Yes, but as long as you are with him, you are not free to find a better relationship; one that would really make you happy.

Me: Well, at my age and in this dumpy little town I am 99.9% sure there is no great guy waiting to find me. If I divorce the husband I will be alone. And I don’t want to be alone so I can’t get a divorce. Besides, I don’t want to free him up to go out and date 25 year old blonds. That would make me so angry I could not see straight.

BF: Divorce him and move to a bigger town. Go to Portland like you always say you want to. I bet there are way more single men there.

Me: I think I might have a prayer at meeting Mr. Right in Portland, but husband would never allow me to take his daughter that far away.

BF: Oh…yea….good point.

Mr. Right is just a Fantasy

When my last LONG TERM relationship ended in spring 2002 (Rocco) I started dating. I dated a lot. I internet dated, dated friends of friends, looked up old boyfriends, etc. etc. No one seemed right and people said I was too picky, that I would never be satisfied. (Please note I was satisfied with Rocco.)

I held out for a long time…..hoping that “Mr. Right” might happen.

Years go by and I am not getting any younger and the situation is not improving. If anything it is getting worse. As a well meaning friend so nicely put it….”men in their 40s are not looking to acquire women, they are wanting to get rid of them!!!”

So then I find myself pregnant by a guy I was VERY casually dating (my now husband) and I figure I should go with the flow…….after all, I hate being single and Mr. Right is just a fantasy and if I wait my whole life for something perfect I am just fucking stupid. Maybe this was meant to be and that is why it happened?

Now, after 5+ years with Husband, I am actually more used to him than ever (he really is an odd duck) AND I can live with him (it’s not unbearable) and I do love him (still working on explaining why) and I love my daughter and want her to have a real family.

I should be all good now……right?
BUT I’M NOT.
It still feels wrong…..it seems like its too hard….I am not comfortable in my life……with him!!!

I realize I drink, stay out with friends to avoid going home, fantasize about other men, etc. to distract myself because I am not happy. I know that if I had a healthy marriage I would not do these things. (Ok maybe once in a while but not all the time.) I remember how it felt to be “normal”…….I have been happy and normal before……I miss it.

Logically I know that I can’t live my life waiting for happiness to come from some perfect situation. I have to find happiness in myself. I have to learn to love the life I have. I need to be OK with where I am instead of always feeling like I am waiting for something to give.

Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t my current life feel comfortable? Does it really have anything to do with my husband?

Last night we were all piled in bed and Beanie was zonked out in between us and I thought “Dear God this is better than being here alone. I love these people. Why do I still struggle so much?”

But I can’t help but think how my husband makes me feel used, not loved. How he is a taker not a giver. How he never hugs me or shows me affection. WE ARE NOT CLOSE and I want close….I need close. Isn’t that what love and marriage are for?

And on a deeper level, I know that my REAL hang-up is fear of not being loved, fear of rejection. I feel like I have just been used and abused and passed around my whole life. Like no one has ever REALLY loved me. (Except my mother in her own way.)

Deep down I don’t even believe anyone will love me and my husband certainly feeds that insecurity by not “acting” like he loves me. But I also believe divorcing him wouldn’t make me feel any better. It would make me feel worse because I really hate to be single. I hate to be alone. Beanie would have to shuttle back and forth and all that horrible stuff.

I should figure out a way to be happy NOW with where I am NOW!!

................If the answers were easy I would have figured them out long ago.

You Really Can't Change Who You Are

I firmly believe that 95% of who we are is out of our control. Genetics and luck dictate most of what we get/are in life.

I was born into a house with no people people. I am the product of two engineers. I was not raised with love and nurturing....I was raised with logic and fact, rules and rigidity.

Some people seem so...comfortable in their lives....in their skin. I desperately want to be one of those people. I am so envious of them. People that seem to have it all together....love their lives....do what they were MEANT to do.

I flounder...struggle....fight....crumble...hide....run....life is always a challenge. It’s never easy for me...it rarely works for me. I was born an outcast....a lost soul....one of the people who watch from the outside wishing there was a way in. There is no way in. You either got it or you don't.

Self help books and psychiatrist would have you think you can figure out a way in...but you can't. You can’t change. It's not up to you. It’s up to Karma....fait....luck...genetics....all those things that you are stuck with....all those things you have no control over.

Life is a fucking crap shoot and I never win at games of chance.

My parents were smart and efficient. I am smart and efficient, qualities that are not particularly valued in the social realm of the world. Friendly, charismatic and enthusiastic.....all things I work on....these are way more important with people and relationships.

I WANT to be a good listener but it really is hard for me.

I have failed or been failed by every single relationship I have ever had. I am not trying to elicit sympathy...but merely stating a fact. I suck with people and people generally don't like me. Occasionally some odd ball person may get me or like me.....but it’s rare. These people are priceless to me.

It is crazy how much I want to be loved....needed....liked….accepted. It is all consuming.
Yet I was born to be one of the outsiders. No wonder this is my life long struggle and my greatest disappointment in life.