Houses and Respect

I just re-read all of my posts since January 2017.  I had some good stuff in there but I left out a lot of stuff too.  I have either been too busy or too depressed to actually get myself on this old computer and type out my thoughts.  Really it is a shame because I would have liked to have a better record of the past few months.

JDK pretty much has his house ready to list.  He met with Julia and got some comps from her.  He says he wants to meet with a few more real estate agents which I guess he is waiting for me to pick and call for him.  Sorry bud, not my priority...I have enough to do already.  Anyway, it looks like he will walk away with maybe $50k in profit.  I don't think the idea that I robbed him will come up again.  In fact, I am now the one feeling a bit pissy about how much I sold the house to him for.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

He did finally go through his man room and the garage and get things in order.  I think fully 50% of what was in there went in the trash.  He can be a hoarder.  The last few loads I brought over here and just dropped in the 3rd garage.  It has been sitting down there for over a month now in piles.  He has not made any effort to organize or put anything away.  Again, maybe just procrastinating because it's just no fun.

At his house he shored up the deck and replaced a few boards and then stained the whole thing. It turned out really nice.  He also replace the old white oven with a stainless one I found on Craigslist.  When I found it he claimed he was broke and would have to borrow money from his parents to buy it.  I didn't fall for it and didn't offer to pay and by some miracle he managed to find some cash and get the damn stove.  It makes the kitchen look MUCH better.  Oddly, cleaning the garage floor was the final item that made the place seem OK to me.  Up until we did that it just always felt dirty, the whole house, and then we scrubbed the garage floor not once, but twice and voila, the whole place seemed more civilized and clean.

Seems like we had a long spell where things felt pretty good, normal between us.  I had two big projects at work so most of April and May I was working 11 hour days.  Really it made me mad as hell because I am supposed to be working part time.  Luckily the construction company has kept me on their insurance.  I feel so blessed for all they have done for me.  But then I owe them...so I do what needs to be done.  The Café is just understaffed and I do my best to help out.  I don't want to quit because if push came to shove I could get a full time job with benefits from them. 

But, back to JDK, I think I was busy and he was nice and things were "fine".  On the 4th of July we had a bit of a spat that just really set me off.  He made a comment to me that in a round about way said "what you think is stupid and ridiculous".  I told him it hurt my feeling and he was being rude.  He walked off and didn't speak to me for days.  I finally sat him down and forced a conversation about it and he basically said that he doesn't want to fight or talk and he just wants me to be nice and loving.  He thinks communication by me is an attempt to change who he is and he doesn't think that we should expect each other to change....blah blah blah.

After mulling it all over for the last few weeks this is what I think is going on.  He doesn't love me or respect me (never has but was confused after the divorce and thought he did) but he finds the situation useful to him as long as I am agreeable.  He likes the appearance of being a family, he likes that I take care of the house, kid etc.  He likes that I pay my own way and in fact probably save him money.  (he is still paying child support but EVERY single month I have to ask for it!)  He would like sex twice a day but is willing to let that go.....although grudgingly.     He has no intention of ever marrying me again or comingling funds.  He feels absolutely no responsibility to me what so ever.  In fact, I think he feels really good that he can have his cake and eat it too....or have the milk and not buy the cow, etc.

Now, here is the hard part.  I am really struggling on how to deal with this.  I do not want to go back to the days where he has the kid half the time and his girlfriend takes care of her.  But I am kind of sick to my stomach at the idea of just sitting here giving him everything he wants so we can have a peace filled home.  It just feels wrong to let him use me...to let him get away with this. 

Yesterday it kind of hit me that nobody respects me.  My kids don't.  That is why they treat me so shitty.  JDK doesn't...obviously.  I have lost touch with all of my friends at this point.  I don't have time to maintain the relationships.  Lingering around people that don't love or respect me is kind of soul killing.

I wish I could figure out a way to get respect form my family but I really don't know how to do it.  I Googled it and just can't figure out what to do differently at this point.  I feel pretty hopeless.

I kind of feel like my life is just a giant piece of shit and there is not way out of it.

Sad Dump

It has been a while since I found the time and energy to blog.  I have wanted to often but life has just been so busy.  I won't try to catch you up today....maybe soon.  Today I just need to write out some stuff.  I need to dump my sad.

Last weekend I was out of town and Monster house / dog sitted for me.  I was so happy that he helped out and that he told me he feels at home here.  I thought it was such a success, until I realized that my $100 gift certificate to my favorite restaurant (which was hanging on the fridge) is gone.  I called the boy and he said his friends are trustworthy and surely it fell under the fridge or something. So I looked.  It's gone.  I got robbed while my kid was house sitting.  Sad.

Yesterday I talked to Ramone because she had expressed interest in having a tie-dying party with me and Beanie.  I asked her if she had some white stuff to dye.  I asked her when we could get together.  She was all wishy-washer with her answers and I said to her "Seems like most of the time when I ask you a question you give me a wishy-washy answer." and I listed some examples.  She got pissed and said something rude and quickly got off the phone.  I try to be nice, I try to  help, I offer to pay for things and this is the respect I get.  Ungrateful and mean to me.  Sad.

Beanie told me just a few weeks ago how much she loves swimming and it is her passion.  Then this morning she once again tells me she doesn't want to go to swim practice today.  Yesterday she felt sick all day so I didn't make her go.  I told her it wasn't optional and she pushed back saying she hated swimming and wants to quit.  I am so tired of her hating everything and NEVER wanting to do anything but play with her tablet.  On top of this discussion it just seems that more and more she is just a negative grumpy person and picks fights as often as she can.  She is NO FUN at all.  Sad.

A few months ago we got word that Friss will be released in 2020.  This is a full 2 years longer than we expected.  He is not being offered any chance of early parole.  The day I found out I cried so hard.  It felt like he had died again.  This morning he told me one of his teeth broke.  I calculated in my head that it would be unsalvageable in 3 years.  I wonder how many teeth he will lose.  Starting your life at almost 40 years old is just so sad.

My gym that I love and is only 1.5 miles from my house is closing.   There are no other good options in town.   Next week is the last week they will hold group classes.  I love doing BodyPump.  The gym will be open for another month so I am being charged for that month even though they won't have the classes which is the main thing I do.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  Sad to lose my gym.

The weather has been so hot and humid that even at 6 am running is a sweaty pathetic process.  I am signed up for not one or two but THREE half marathons this fall.  I need to run more.  Yet every time it get out there I am so slow....and it hurts so much....and I feel nauseous thanks to the heat.  I have no idea how I will get in the miles I need.  I plan to try the treadmill next.  I sure do miss Stina......

JDK wants me in his life...yet he won't really commit and have a real solid relationship.  It's too much like it has always been and it really makes me sad.