The other day I asked him what made him unhappy about our marriage. Was I that terrible of a spouse? I think partly just to gain insight that could be helpful in my current situation.
His response:
"I never said you were such a terrible spouse. I think we have had a difficult time….understanding and trusting one another. We talked a little about trust…..how about understanding.
I think we have very different
needs and you often assume that what I need is what you need….and vise versa.
For example I think you need a lot more communication and attention than I
do. I can evidence this by our difference in the minutes we use on our
phones. You need to share your experiences……I do not. I always
assumed that my experiences were boring to you. I think I am a listener
and you are a talker. Maybe that is a good thing right?
I think I experience and show
love differently than you and my expression of love isn’t exactly what you
need. I think that maybe you need more romance and attention than I can
effectively give. I have my fathers genes, I know he loves me with all
his heart, but he and I will go to our graves not hugging. We don’t need
to….. cause we know. Maybe if you “knew” you wouldn’t need as much of
my attention….you would feel more secure. We never got to that place
where you “knew”...we certainly didn’t start from there.
I think I tried to make
romantinc/attention gestures but they never seemed to register with you. For
example I bought you flowers almost every week. I kept doing it even
though it never seemed to mean anything to you. I know it was an clumsy
attempt and I guess I felt like I was always awkwardly failing at finding
a way to give you the romance and attention that you wanted…….especially when
there was a wall going up between us. In short I worry that I don’t speak
a love language that you hear.
The one thing that really hurt
me the most in our relationship was that I felt like you were always telling me
how unhappy and disappointed I made you feel. I know you were just trying
to communicate your feelings so we could improve… but it hurt a lot. I
was really trying and all I got in response was “you are failing me”. Instead
of making an environment where we could work on problems it made me feel
hopelessly ineffective. "
