Rose Bushes

A few weeks ago when we got new mulch for the landscaping we realized (the hard way) that we have rose bushes.

OUCH!!!

A few days ago I realized they looked like crap.

SO.....I did some research.

I figured out that you have to PRUNE those suckers every spring.  I watched multiple YouTube videos on what to do and why.  Then I went out and bought me some pruning tools.

Today I figured out we have 7, that's right SEVEN, big overgrown frumpy rose bushes.  I worked on them all afternoon.

Look at this dead pile of thorny plant clippings that Kevin gets to haul off to the mulch site for me!!

See....I don't just sit around the house drinking wine and eating bon-bon's all day!

Ramone

My older daughter, Ramone will turn 20 on May 23rd.  I can't even get exited about her birthday coming up.  I guess I will give her some cash for bills but that is no fun.

She is kind of on my last nerve lately.  Every time I see her or talk to her it just depresses me.  Her life is such a shamble.

When I go to her (rental) house/apartment there are always random people and dogs there and the place is trashed.  It always looks like there has been a huge party and no one has cleaned up yet.  She is grubby like her father.  I am sure that will never change.

She always tells me she is behind on her bills and her last roommate stiffed her for the rent.  She has a revolving door with the roommates.  Her caliber of friend leaves a lot to be desired (IMO).

She still has not repaired the broken rim on her car and is just driving it.  I fear the car will be worthless soon.  It pains me to see her just destroy her belongings.  Giving her things is like throwing them in the trash.  It makes it hard to be a helpful caring parent.

She recently broke her foot because a neighbor girl slammed a door on it.  She was arguing with this girl about something the neighbor girl said about another girl.  So basically it was none of her business and had nothing to do with Ramone, but she just had to go over and tell this girl off and now she is on crutches.  Furthermore, she can't afford to pay medical bills and has chosen to NOT see a doctor. 

I feel the need to just stay away as much as possible.  I just cant watch!

Ramone called me today because she wanted me to watch her dog this weekend so she can go to a music festival and sell some paintings....you know cause she is broke and needs money.  (she will be driving the car with a bad wheel across the state.)

I calmly told her that I already have two dogs and one of them is a handful so no I couldn't handle her dog too.  Her dog is untrained (jumps on people, lounges on the couch, wont stay in a kennel, etc.) and probably has fleas since her house is filthy and other dogs come and go all the time.  I didn't mention the flea issue cause I knew it would piss her off.

She then decided to call her dad and ask him to watch the dog.  Fifteen minutes later she was calling me back to rage about how her father is a dick and he totally yelled at her for even asking and she hung up on him and he DIDN'T call her back.  Oh the nerve of him!  She told me "normally he would be freaking out if I hung up on him and call me back right away."  I told her that he is married now and trying to keep his wife happy and he is not going to be the nice guy he used to be.  (As he has already shown by how he is treating Friss.)  She went on for a long time, cursing very loudly in my ear, it was very unpleasant but I tried to listen and validate her feelings.  I feel as her mother I should be supportive. It was hard....I just wanted to run away.

More and more she just seems so mean and selfish..........and stupid.

It's Just Hair

Last night I was watching TV with Beanie and she was nagging me about getting her hair cut.   Usually, in the spring, I get the dogs hair all mowed down and I get me and The Bean a trim for summer.  We both have long, no style, just hanging there hair.  She actually has beautiful long straight hair that anyone would be jealous of.  Mine, well it is old with gray roots half the time.

Anyway, I decided to give her the instant gratification she so desired and cut her hair myself.  I mean she is a kid, how hard can it be?  She doesn't NEED a salon hair cut!  It is just a trim, no styling required.

So I put her up on a stool in the kitchen and found my best pair of scissors.

Saving the details lets just say that at some point I realized that I should stop while I was ahead and call in a professional to fix my CHOP job.  No matter what I tried it just did NOT look nice.

Really I should know better.  I have always had hair anxiety.  I have always hated my hair cuts even when done by a professional.  For some reason cutting hair stresses me out more than it should.  It always has.  All my life I would go in for a trim of my long, straight, do-nothing hair and leave the salon FREAKING OUT because, hey, getting two inches cut off is akin to going bald.

My point is I am crazy and it's not rational but hair stresses me out.

Lucky for me she was THRILLED.  She loved her hair cut; told me it was fine and didn't need fixing.  When I dropped her at school this morning she was beaming with pride as her friends all admired her new hair cut.  Her hair had been so beautifully long, about down to the top of her pants but now it is just below her shoulders.  Thankfully it grows really fast.

I left school in a panic to reach my stylist and old running buddy Terry to fix her hair ASAP!

I also phoned her dad to fill him in on the drama.  I think more than anything I was having anxiety and needed to talk to someone.  He seemed like a good target.

The hair conversation went well and he was kind and supportive and just glad I was taking care of her.  He even offered to pay for the haircut (in lieu of child support I suppose).  But that led to us talking about my personality and the things that make me tick, which of course he is now (for some reason) interested in and thinking about and actually telling me things like "I never realized how much your ADD effected our relationship" and stuff like that.

Long story short we had a very nice, very real, conversation and he seemed like a decent guy who wasn't being a manipulative jack ass.

I truly believe he is sorry for how he treated me and is trying to be a better person.  I also believe that he hasn't had a character transplant and deep down he is still selfish and manipulative.  But I do believe he is finally recognizing some of his faults and working to overcome them. 

After the professional fixed my chop job.

On The Same Team

(I promise this blog is not going to be just me bitching about my ex husband!)

BUT............OMG I need to bitch.

So last week I told him that I wanted to discuss child support.  That I wanted to see if we could come to an agreement that would avoid attorney fees.  He, of course, was outraged that I wasn't sticking to the original agreement and accused me of having some master plan to screw him over. 

I calmly reminded him that I was making $80k when we got divorce, which was a fluke.  A fluke that he benefitted from for YEARS but now things are more realistic.

I mean really he saved up lots of money when we were married because he didn't pay one penny in day care for the first two years of her life and I was still paying 50% of the household bills.  (Actually more than half but he considered it half because HE didn't count things he didn't want to pay for like the cleaning lady and the new carpet and stuff like that.)

Anyhow, his first instinct was to distract me by being all lovey dovey and when that didn't work he cut me off and refused to communicate at all.  Which was fine.  It is his go-to response when he doesn't like something.

Then on Thursday night he sent me that text message (see the last post) and then he went NC again until I went to retrieve the girl from him Saturday evening.  We always meet at her school parking lot.  It is a good neutral location.  (He doesn't want to know where I live now.)

When we met at 6 pm he acted a bit stressed and I asked him how his day was.  He said he worked all day; said he had a huge deadline at work coming up this Friday; made sure I knew he was in dire straights.

When we were living together he often moaned about needing to work ALL weekend and then he would work for a few hours or even an afternoon but it was never as extensive as he acted like it would be.  He has a pretty cushy job and the only reason he gets backed into a corner like this is because it is a 6 months project that he didn't start on until a month ago.  SO he gets paid to work for 6 months but it only takes him a month to actually do the project (he works on grants) leaving lots of time for other fun things.  My point is I don't have any sympathy for him.  It's not like they dropped a last minute bomb on him.  He knew the deadline was coming.

As we drove away I asked my daughter how her day was and she proceeds to tell me that she spent the whole day with Roslyn at Roslyn's house in [town an hour from here].  I asked if Daddy worked from her house all day and she told me that he was at his house.  So, Roslyn came out Friday night and spent the night with JDK then went home Saturday morning taking my daughter with her and then drove her back out Saturday afternoon in time to get her to him to give to me.

As you probably already guessed.....I am not real happy about this.

AND before anyone gets all bent out of shape, yes, I know it is out of my control and I will just have to get over the fact that he can do as he pleases with his visitation time.

But here is where I get even madder.  I was home all day doing nothing.  I could have easily kept her but he didn't even ask.  I would assume that Roslyn was told (or assumed) that I would not watch her and that is why she helped.  I had no idea my daughter was out of town and excuse me if I like to know where my child is at. 

Side note: according to a later discussion with JDK, Roslyn did this without him asking or any prior planning...she just up and offered to help him out because she is awesome that way.
SURE. (sarcasm intended.)

So I guess his plan was to work all day and have the kid watch TV in the other room?

So I felt the need to say something to him and texted him that I could have watched her and it wasn't necessary to have saddled Roslyn with the job.  He texted me back.  "Thanks, I would like to think we are on the same team."

WTF!! 
a) he didn't even ask me so how was I not being a team player?  Remember how you weren't even speaking to me "Teammate"?
b) isn't he the one that spent all week trying to wiggle out of being on The Team with child support.  I mean I am not asking for anything other than what the courts calculate as a fair amount.  I am not asking for anything over and above what is normal and appropriate according the laws of our state.
c) I know what he is really saying....I can operate the UBT!  "Thanks, I like when YOU offer to do things for ME!"

Here is another things that chaps my ass.  Last weekend he pawned the kid off on his folks so he could vacation with his girlfriend.  This weekend he is too busy working to spend time with the child so he has the girlfriend watch her.  (Maybe he should have been home working last weekend?...just a thought.) Next weekend it will be something else and he will pass her off to another person.  You see the pattern here?  All the while he bitches and moans that he misses her and wants to spend MORE time with her; that he is so distraught by our divorce and the fact that he only has her 3 nights a week. 

PLEEEEEZ

He knows that keeping her 50/50 results in him having to pay little to no child support so it is in his financial best interest to keep our schedule (which is actually 43% his time).  His work around to still getting his free time is to have a list of babysitters all ready to help him out.

And another thing:  I would never expect Kevin to watch her all day long if I had to work.  I would ask JDK to swap days with me. I would give her father first dibs on the time with her.   I wouldn't want to impose on Kevin.  He only has 2 days a week off and he didn't choose to have a child so it should not be his problem.  Would he help if I needed it?  Yes. But he would not be my first option.

The other reason he didn't ask me is because I would have wanted to swap time out.  I would have said "I will be glad to keep her all weekend so you can work...lets just swap weekends and you keep her all next weekend".  Which is actually fair and respectful of his right to visitation.  (And then me and Kevin could go for a motorcycle trip.)

You see even though he can't get enough of the girl (that's what he says) he really doesn't want to swap time with me because that would mean that he works this whole weekend and then he has her all next weekend.  And OMG that would suck because then when would he have time to bike, run, go to the gym and fuck his girlfriend all day long?

Motivation Lacking

It's Friday.......
I am home alone all day.
I have a million things I should be doing.
I have accomplished a few piddly things but mostly I feel like I am just wasting time.
Did a load of laundry.....ran the dishwasher.....organized the kitchen a bit.

I just feel BLAH.

Tonight Kevin and I have a date to see Iron & Wine live in concert.
I should be more excited.
He didn't really want to go.
I feel guilty for spending the money.
I am sure once we get out in the world I will be glad we went.
We spend way too much time sitting around the house.

JDK sent me this last night.

Is he trying to be nice and agreeable?
Does this mean he is agreeing to pay child support?
Or is he back to trying to nice me into dropping the child support?
Sometimes I wish I would have never even told him I was pregnant.
I worry a lot about what he says to our daughter.
Then again I am glad the Beanie has her G&G (his parents).  They are wonderful to her.
He wears me out.

I should be running or cycling.
Its cold and windy out so I don't want to go out.

I should be doing some book keeping for my multisport club. 

I hope this funk passes soon.  Maybe I just need some sunshine?

Fed Up

Really............
when will I quit accepting any of the blame for a fake marriage that I tried like hell to make work and he didn't; that I tried to be honest and do the right thing and he wanted to play games.  When can I let it go and realize that it was out of my control and I was a victim and I need to put it in the past and move on to a better place.

I now have a man that truly loves me and would do ANYTHING for me that he could.  I have a wonderful home where honesty and reality reign true all the time.  I now have a great life and I need to quit letting some shitty people in my past drag my ass down.

Their shittyness is no reflection on me!  NO.... it is a reflection of how shitty they are!!!

I deserve better.  I have found better.
I am happy with my life that I have now and refuse to be drug down by crappy people from my past.
Fuck them all!!

Hurt, Sad, Angry then Depressed

I'm back.

I ran a few errands and decided I was just feeling too mopey to actually get anything accomplished.

I am trying to get to the root of my issue.....to peal back some layers and get to a more central issue.

I think it is odd that today I feel depressed and I haven't felt depressed due to the whole Boston thing until today.  I think at first I was hurt or sad but then I channeled that into some anger which was very productive. 

Today he texts me "Since we can't change that I made you unhappy in the past and our marriage is now over....tell me what I can do now to make you happier because I really want things to be better."

This sounds so nice but it only makes me feel worse.  Why couldn't he be this way when we were married? You know back when I begged him to listen to my concerns, to understand that I wanted him to be close to me, that I needed communication and reciprocity.

Then again, even if he had said this back then he would have agreed to do "X" to make me feel better and then just proceeded on doing what ever he wanted with no intentions of doing "X" for me.  He would have just said it at the time because it sounded nice.....to sooth me and get me off his back.  Oh and he doesn't consider that lying.  I do though.

That last paragraph was good.  I tend to assume people mean what they say since that is how I think.  It is good that I thought "oh that's right, he would say something nice just to get me off his back not meaning a bit of it".  How can I forget that shit.  I just DO NOT think like that so it always boggles my mind.

Really talking to him is so stupid.  I think it is a real conversation and it isn't.  It is just a game he plays to appease me or to seem like a nice guy or to get me off his back for child support.  That is the real issue....he is just trying to distract me from child support.

GRRR

I think today my depression is more complicated than this one issue (of course).  I am sure that the central issue for me is actually feeling unloved....or unlovable.  Evidently people need to be loved. I mean I do anyway.

I know that my parents loved me in a way, but not in the way most parents do.  Not in a way that produces a well adjusted grown up.  I think my father didn't want us in the first place having already raised my older brother and sister.  And my mother was never cut out to be a mother and after she had us she didn't enjoy being a parent at all.  Then my father moved away so I was abandoned by him and then my mother resented being left all by herself to raise us and she would actually tell us that she was stuck making us happy instead of doing what ever she wanted.  She bitched about it a lot....how kids ruin your life.

Flash forward to when Rocco left and broke my heart.  At one point he told me that he never believed in a soul mate until he met me.  He seemed to really be totally in love with me and I believed him, I believed in him and I trusted him with all my heart.  When he left, my heart heard this message "see, even your soul mate doesn't love you!"  At the time I didn't realize that this was totally triggering so many of my childhood issues.  I just knew that I had never felt so depressed, rejected and lost in my whole entire life.  I wanted to die.....I wanted to die A LOT!

Eventually I set out to find a better future and a real loving relationship and all I got time after time was a pile of shit.  I got a broken foot.  I got a son in prison.  I got a jerk of a boyfriend or a shitty friend.  I got a job that sucked.  A therapist who was clueless or a psychiatrist who told me I needed meds for the rest of my life.  I kept working to move on but it seemed like the cosmic forces of the universe just didn't want me to dig out of the hole.  I was meant to be buried in some depth of hell on earth where everything was pointless and depressing.

Then, for some dumb reason when I was in my early 40's I thought menopause was kicking in until I figured out I was actually pregnant.  At the time I was completely shocked and surprised.  I mean at first it just seemed so surreal.  I, of course, told JDK right away (because that's the right thing to do) before I even think thought of all the implications.  He and I had been dating off and on and not really serious at all.  It was a super big mess.

I searched my soul and decided that the child "was meant to be!"  I mean the odds that I would conceive at my age given I had sex one time and had only days before gone off my birth control pills.  It was just too impossible.

The next step was determining how JDK (the father) would be involved in this child's life.  I wanted her to have a dad.  I wanted everything to be GOOD.  I wanted what was best.  At first he begged me to abort then begged me for adoption then basically said he would try to be a good father but he didn't want ME to be his girlfriend or wife.  I, being pregnant and hormonal just hung in there hoping for the best.  I put up with terrible bullshit from him that I really shouldn't have.  I blame those damn hormones that you produce when you are pregnant; you know the ones that make you patient enough to care for a newborn child.

Later, after Beanie was here, JDK seemed rather fond of her and I just figured it was easier to stay with him than to be a single parent.  He was moody and difficult but my other option was to be lonely and have no help so I just stuck around.  Eventually I pretty much told him that if he was going to leave me he needed to just do it.  He said he wanted to stay and that he "loved his little family".

OH YEAH....this whole time.....even before Beanie was conceived he did tell me he loved me.  I had no idea that a person could wield those 3 words around and have no real meaning behind them.
 
Friss just called and is filling me with ideas: 
Do I feel guilty for not giving him a second chance? 
Do I regret not trying harder or threatening divorce sooner as a tool to change the marriage?
Do I think he means anything he says despite all the evidence to the contrary?
Do I just let him manipulate me...same as he always has.....he always gives me the opposite of what I need?

Overwhelmed and signing off for now.

Necessary Boston Rant

When I was married to JDK he always told me he hated crowds (one of the reasons he would never go skiing with me).  He always said he didn't want to do a vacation unless he could bike or paddle there (because he would be bored).  He said he didn't like to do anything "touristy".  He wouldn't travel to races with me.  He had no interest in running events and never participated in them.  He told me he ran cross country in college and was sick of running.

So late last week he sends me a text message that I have since deleted but I will paraphrase.

"Rats, I forgot to tell you I need to be out of town this weekend but will be back on Tuesday around noon.  I can take Beanie to my folks house on Saturday on the way to the airport if you can arrange to pick her up.  Also can we swap Monday night visitation to Tuesday since I will still be gone Monday evening?"

I asked if it was personal or work related and he said (and this is word for word his response) "Personal I guess."  << what does that mean?  I guess?  Ass-wipe.

I didn't ask what he was actually up to because I figured I didn't want to know.  I was right.

Beanie slipped and told me after I picked her up on Monday (they didn't have school so I made a daytrip to BIG city 2 hours to the west of me).

After I found out where he was I (once again) felt punched in the gut by how he now blatantly does so many things that he told me OVER AND OVER again that he wouldn't do, couldn't' do or refused to do.

And, maybe it is just me making something out of nothing, but when he does this it basically makes me feel that he was even MORE abusive to me than I had originally suspected.  I wanted to believe that our relationship was full of misunderstanding and not intentional pain.  I wanted to believe that his "winning over of the girlfriend" was just a phase.  But he is still doing it.  I understand he no doubt worries she will dump him if he is not more careful; after all his first two wives left him eventually because he was so selfish.  Still on some level he just took me so for granted that it makes me sick.

More and more I think back about all he did and said and his overall attitude was this:
"well I am stuck with her but I am certainly not going to go out of my way for her.  She would never leave me so I can pretty much get away with anything that makes ME happy.  I will do just enough for her to keep her from being a raving bitch to me but other than that, I will be happy to let her work hard to be a good mother and wife while I carry on as if I am not in a relationship because HEY, I didn't choose this option she chose it for me so she owes me.  She is not the boss of me....I will never let her win!"

And if he thinks that is not abusive than he is completely delusional.

I kick myself in the ass for letting him use me for so long.  I hate the fact that now, after all that has happened he feels he was the victim and that he did the best he could and he didn't want the divorce and he is a poor sausage that everyone should feel sorry for.  I know his narrative is all about how I forced him to marry me and how he eventually fell in love with me only to have me betray his trust.

IT MAKES ME ILL

I saw his parents on Monday and they were nice to me.  They are nice people.  I always wonder what he has told them.  I, of course, never bad talk their son to them, but on some level I wish they knew half of the crappy shit he did to me so they would understand that I didn't do him dirty; that I just had to get out of a one sided relationship that was heart breaking for me.

I know that in order to live with himself and in order to explain his divorce to other people he has to paint this picture that he wasn't a bad guy.  I know that no matter what I think or do he will cling to his new and improved story of the past.  It's not like he will suddenly validate my position.  Yet I still can't seem to stop pointing out how he contradicts himself by telling me one thing one day and then months later totally denying it.

Anyway, I need to quit giving him real estate in my head so I will wind this bitch session up and get on to my next project for the day. 

Chump Lady

Of course I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't sleep.  I always churn over my discussions with the ex husband.  I am always shocked at how he can think the way he does.

I know it does me no good to stew about things!!

I have noticed that I can barely find time to read chump lady until I tangle with him and then I can't get enough. 

Last night at 2:30 am I got up and read Chumplady for over an hour.  I read almost every comment on yesterdays discussion about child support.  I really want to get ex to pay child support since he is so super stingy about helping out with her expenses (mainly clothes and activities such as her swim lessons).

I had been meaning to hit him up for some child support but I had been balking because I knew the confrontation wouldn't be fun.  I know he will be adamantly apposed to paying anything in child support.

Then when I found out he traveled to Boston with his girlfriend who was running the Boston Marathon I thought to myself "why do you worry about making him mad?  Ask for child support and get that ball rolling."

My attorney suggested I offer to work with him outside of the courts and if he wouldn't agree to that to call her and we could file the papers and serve him.

You see when we actually filed for our divorce my salary was MORE than his.  (I was grossly overpaid as I have told you many times.)   Now I make NOTHING.  When I do get another accounting position (which I plan to this fall) I will be making about half what I was when we got divorced.  By my calculations he owes me a minimum of $188 per month and if I could get away with claiming my current income he would owe me about $850 per month.

The point is he pays nothing and currently makes $65,000 more than me so he needs to start paying more of his fair share.

The fact that he has always tried to take advantage of me financially is certainly a part of my decision to get him to start paying more.  I spent hundreds on her swimming lessons this last winter and he refused to help out.  He also refused to contribute to the cost of her school supplies.  I think I did manage to recoup that by having him pay for art camp last summer. 

Anyway......he needs to help pay to support HIS child and I shouldn't feel bad for asking!

rewriting history in your mind doesn't change reality

Wow!!

The ex husband continues to blow my mind with his blatant changing of history.

I really only go on what he tells me.  I only believe what he actually says or does. Yet, after the fact he acts like I dreamed that truth up and I am so far out in left field that he doesn't even understand.

How the hell can a guy who flat out told me he didn't love me when we got married later tell me that he never lied to me!!?!?!?!?!

WTF!!!

today he said "How can you say I abused you?"  I respond "all the lies"  he responds "if you think I lied then....I am glad you are in a better place. I will do my best to strengthen that happiness.  Sorry I made you so unhappy."

So dramatic!!

He just sucks on some astronomical level.

I gotta go ride my bike.

More later.

My Life Now

This morning I got up and told Kevin I needed some money to mail with his and his daughters tax returns and some money to pay some bills.  Mostly of the bills that are the result of getting this house in order.  There was $600 for the new craft cabinet and all the kitchen and bath stuff from Target.  He, without a single complaint, handed me 4 signed checks for me to fill out as needed and mail/deposit.

I have bill pay all set up on my internet banking and it is slick as snot.  I "push" all the payments when I want them to be paid and I do it all from my online banking website (one location).  He generally pays his bills online but goes to each vendor and uses their bill paying option.  It is a lot more work and if he loses his password he loses his mind.  He told me now that we are living together we need a joint system.  This morning, I said "how about I pay all the household bills and you write me a monthly check to cover them and you pay your other bills as you like?"  He said that would work great and so, simple as that, we have a plan.

Once again, after YEARS of butting heads with JDK, I am overwhelmed with joy at just how easy it is for me and Kevin to put together an efficient plan that works for both of us.  This is why he is my rock.  He is a kind, loving, giving and agreeable person.  He and I make a good team.  My life is so much better because of him!

AND...I think he would say the same of me.

So today I set up the gas bill and the combined utilities (trash, water, sewer and electic) to pay from my BOA account.  I still need to set up the house payment but it is not due until the first of May.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monster has been doing a great job of getting to work and to the gym despite the fact his car is dead. Today I told him WE would go to the gym.  Meaning I would work out at the same time he does so I wouldn't just be chauffeuring him around.  I have told him this before but never followed through but today, I put on my capri yoga pants and hit the gym with the boy.  I got in a great workout and best of all me and the (now 21 years old) boy connected and communicated. 

He showed me his favorite machines at the gym.  I joked about how I bench the bar only and can't do it with any weights on it.  His backpack zipper wasn't working so I offered to bring him an extra of mine.  He needs to file for a lost title to his car and we made a plan to get that done.   I love that I can be here for him.  I feel like a real mom!

AGAIN, I am so grateful to have this time with my kids.....to be here for them instead of at work feeling rushed and overwhelmed.  I couldn't do this without Kevin and I know that.  How awesome is this!?!!

I am so very happy.

Taxes Are Done

Finally I have everyone's taxes done. 

Big sigh of relief!

This year took a bit longer and was a bit messier than normal.

First issue this year was TurboTax upped their price and downed there product.  It was going to cost me something like $95 to get the software I needed to my taxes!  Before I purchased it a friend warned me of the problem so I researched it on Amazon (read the reviews).  Everyone was thoroughly fed up and ultimately Turbo Tax decided to give people a refund this year and go back to the old product next year. 

Turbo Tax is owned by Intuit, the same company that owns QuickBooks and quite frankly I have had a bad taste in my mouth for the company ever since the days I needed support and had to deal with a technical support staff that is stationed in India and although they speak English they do not communicate well especially when there is a complicated issue.  I wasted many an hour on the phone with these well meaning people and all it really boils down to is that Intuit is too cheap to hire American workers.  I decided to buy the H&R Block tax software rather than give Intuit anymore of my money so this year I had to do taxes with software I was not familiar with.

Second issue was adding Kevin and his daughter to my list of people to do taxes for.  I don't mind a bit, not even a little, but ultimately they were the most work.  I didn't have last years return to import although Kevin did provide me with a PDF of the return.  The daughter had school expenses and student loan interest so I put them on her taxes but they did her no good so I put them on her Dad's taxes and they did help him.  At one point the H&R block software told me he could not claim her as a dependent because she made about $9000 working.  Later I sat on hold for my free H&R Block consulting for 2 hours to find out for sure that he COULD claim her.  They didn't admit it but it is a glitch in their software.  Anyway, it was unchartered territory and it took me a bit to get up to speed.  She graduates next month so next year her taxes will be as simple as keying in her W2 because I know Daddy won't be able to claim her.

Last but not least, the divorce kind of messed me up.  I thought if we were married for more than 6 months of the year we could still file joint.  I assumed that would be a good idea especially since JDK sold some investments so he could buy the house.  After I finally got all his forms from him(1099-Div, 1099-B, property taxes, real estate taxes, after school care expenses) which took me asking for this and that as I realized they were missing which was a pain in my ass; I put it all into the new software and we owed about 5 grand!  Then I realized that we are NOT supposed to file joint if we are divorced on December 31st.  So I then did our taxes separately.  It resulted in me getting a refund and him owing some money, but less than $5000.  He knew he would owe and it was less than we owed filing joint so it actually worked out for the best.  He assumed I was screwing him over but he didn't bitch at me.  He gave me the silent treatment instead and, for once in my life, I was thrilled that he just ignored me.  I hope he Googled it and saw I was right and not just fucking with him!  I also believe that had we filed joint the government would be none the wiser and we could have gotten away with it.

When I did my final review / check of my taxes I realized that I didn't have enough expenses to itemize so I went back and put them on his taxes.  It was mostly interest on the house that he now owns so it wasn't really a blatant lie.  This took his total tax bill to under $3000 and suddenly he was a happy camper and thanking me profusely. 

I get $2000 back because I filed Head of Household.  Happy Dance!  (Which makes me think marrying Kevin is a bad idea because obviously filing HOH is a better deal than joint.)

When I was doing my taxes I noticed I had a capital gain that was taxable from one of my investments.  I never saw this money so I am not sure how this all works.  I guess they are just reinvesting it back into the same fund?  Anyway, since I have the time right now I plan to get a hold of someone at Waddell & Reed and understand this investment and hopefully stop the tax consequences.

Then I started thinking....

I really don't want to go back to a full time job and I have no idea how long it will take me to find the part time job that works for my family so maybe I will just cash out the stupid investment to help me pay bills and get through the next few months / years.  I mean, that is what money is for....to pay for the things you need in life.  It is not my 401k so there will be no penalties.  I will have to pay some taxes on it but I am seriously thinking about doing it.  I just feel guilty not working and not contributing.  This way I can pay for my personal stuff and Kevin will not have to.

I floated the idea by Kevin and he said NO WAY and that he is happy to support me (and Beanie).  I appreciate his stance but I think I still might do it.  I hate being "broke".

Cooperation

Just like most Saturdays, I got up and ran with Stina.  That girl is due in 6 weeks and still looking GREAT!  She is slower and can only manage a distance of about 5 miles at a time now, but she still wants to join me and I am so glad for the company.

Today I got up early and ran to her house (2.5 miles) then ran with her and then I ran home.  My total mileage was 9.66 which is way higher than I have completed in months.  It didn't kill me and I was thrilled with my pace given my current lack of fitness.  This was a GREAT start to my day.

Back home I was all wound up and in a great mood because that is what a good morning run does for me.  As I showered and got cleaned up Kevin and I discussed what we each wanted to do with our day off and then we devised a plan and mapped out a tentative schedule that satisfied us both.  We would grab breakfast at McDonalds then head to Lowe's before it got crazy busy, stopping at Hobby Lobby on the way home.  Then take the truck up and buy a load of mulch.  Then spend the rest of the day getting the yard in order.

As we talked and made our plans I was acutely aware of how (in my opinion) THIS is how it should be, this is how a relationship should work.  We talk effortlessly with each other; we communicate well; we can make a mutually satisfying plan.  We enjoy spending the day together. 

The contrast from how my used to be for years and years with JDK was heavy in my thoughts.  He would be grumpy when I got back from running.  He would try to bring me down and resent my good mood.  He would have his own plans for the day and not want to be with me much less discuss them with me.  He would have disappeared soon after I got home leaving me to watch our daughter all day long by myself.  Or I could go search for a friend if I wanted companionship.

Having lived with JDK for years makes me so very greatful every single day that I now have Kevin instead.  The last time I felt this content with life was when Rocco was living with me and still invested in our relationship....I think that was 1998 or early 1999!!  It has been a very long time since I had a healthy relationship!

Life is GOOD!

I AM ... 2011 DOCUMENTARY TRAILER

Have you ever seen this movie?

You really should.

I watched it last night for the second time and immediately went to Amazon and purchased it.

And here is their website: http://www.iamthedoc.com/

I'm not a religious person but I do believe that there is more....that we are all connected and that life is a spiritual journey.  This movie is what everyone needs to understand and the world would be a better place.

Please....check it out.

Feels Like Monday

Last night I barely slept.  My mind just WOULD NOT STOP GOING!

At one point I got up and did some internet shopping and looked for a job on line.  Shelter insurance had a job for a "Life Accountant".  What the hell is that?  There description didn't help fill in the blanks either.  Weird.

From 3-4 a.m. I just laid in bed shivering.  I rarely get cold and I thought it would pass.  I finally got up and put on some sweatpants and a sweat shirt and went back to bed.  I'm a mess!

I think some people just think too much.  I seem to think more than most people.  Sometimes it's a blessing but often it's a curse.  My mind is always churning.  I mull over so many things...too many things.  It would be impossible to even tell anyone.  I wish I had a quiet simple mind.

My cold is better.  I don't think I have a sinus infection.  I think I am on the mend.  I am so thankful.

I got up this morning and tried to get a lot done.  I was sure I would crash from lack of sleep so I got Beanie to school early, ran a few arrands and then came home to work on taxes.  I am doing Kevin and his daughters taxes two ways.  First the right way; the way the auditors would be happy with and then the way that makes them pay the least.  I think we can get away with the second way.  I have to do them both to be sure which is best.  It is a pain in the ass to do two peoples taxes each two different ways.  Especially when I don't have last years returns or all the documentation I need.  On the bright side Kevin is helpful and knowledgable so it could be so much worse.

I also researched the filing status for me and JDK.  I assumed that since we were married for more than 6 months of 2014 we should file jointly.  BUT, the IRS says if you are divorced on December 31st you should file separately.  THIS WILL PISS HIM OFF FOR SURE.  I just about had our joint return completed.  I think he will owe more when I separate them.  Ugh.

I love fighting with him......NOT.
Actually I am so sick of it I can't see straight.  I would rather have a root canal!

One of the things I thought of last night is the fact that I no longer go to his parents house so no one is taking photos of Beanie with her Grandparents.  This gives me great stress.  I don't want her photographic evidence of her relationship with her grandparents to end at 6 years old.  They are good people who love her so much and do so much for her.  I want her to have fond memories and photos to reflect on.  I have only ONE photo of me with my grandmother and it makes me so sad.  I wish there were more tangible eveidence of our relationshnip.  Beanie loves them so very much and I somehow feel that no one values that.  Her dad just drops her there and heads out to do his own thing.  When I used to go along I would take tons of photos.  I have asked her dad to take pictures but he can't be bothered to stop being selfish long enough to pull out his phone and snap some nice shots.  Asswipe!

Today I asked him for the $250 he shorted me on the house deal.  Mind you, he got a fucking unbelievable deal on that house because I am a chump and felt guilty and I moved to a super tiny place and had no choice but to leave so much behind.  Anyhow....I asked him and he got all bent out of joint and said "I will pay you but lets never speak of it again....it upsets me greatly."  I then replied "how can you be upset that you shorted me money and I didn't make a huge deal about it and now some 6 months later I really need it and I ask?"  So he ignored me.

He is the most selfish fucked up manipulative jack ass I have ever known in my life!! UGH

How did I get to be so lucky as to marry a person who didn't really love me and just used me for 8 years and basically took anything and everything he could from me. 

Sometimes I feel my life has just been a waste.  Like I was just put on this earth for others to suck the life out of me.

Happy Easter

Today I popped two Sudafed's so I could survive the day.  My cold is still kicking my ass.

Beanie spent yesterday with her Dad at G&G's house.  She reported having so much fun biking with the neighbor kids and finding Easter eggs.  She also told me that Daddy went paddling with Slebos which I found as no surprise.  Far be it for him to just spend the day with family and not figure out how to make it into a work out for himself.

After I ran a slow 5 miles with Stina I picked up my daughter from her father who totally irritated me by getting home too late last night to drop her off and then being too busy and rushed this morning to meet me in the usual place.  I had to meet him at Walmart where they were shopping because he had to get his shopping done at the crack of dawn.  He was in a great mood.  No doubt planning a day of selfish endeavors.

Back home Beanie was thrilled with what the Easter bunny had left her.  She loves fruit and didn't seem to really understand that I had purchased it despite the fact we discussed it about a week ago and she agreed it would be better than a basket of candy.  (By the way....it was SOO expensive that I won't be doing that again for some time.)  But she was happy and I was glad she didn't have to O.D. on sugar for the day.  She did ask me where the Easter Bunny gets all HIS gifts from.  She wondered if he stole them from the stores.  She also assured me the Easter Bunny is a boy not a girl.

At 11:30 we left for Kevin's mom's house to celebrate Easter.  Everyone arrives at noon and then lunch is served at 1 pm.  Then everyone hangs out and socializes as long as they feel like it.  This is the drill for every holiday.  Oh how I love the consistency!

Beanie finally got to meet her "cousin" who is actually Kevin's nieces daughter.  They are the exact same age!  (Aubrey is a bit big for her age and Beanie is a bit small.)  Thankfully they really hit it off and Beanie had a great time.

His family are such nice people.  They are all so kind and respectful.  It is so reassuring for me to be around such people.  Renews my faith in mankind and my hope for my life.  It reminds me that I am on the right track.

We all ate too much, of course, and then got home around 5 pm to lay on the couch and say dinner was not necessary.  We finished off the day watching TV and playing on our tablets.

Saturday Morning - Sinus Infection

Pretty sure I have a sinus infection.  I used to get them all the time....then I had surgery and for a few years I didn't have a single sinus infection.  But in the past few years I have had at least one.  Anyway it looks like I will be making a trip to the doctor on Monday to get some antibiotics. 

Boo!

I really don't have time to be sick.  I need to get our taxes done next week.  My deadline is Friday.  I must have them all done by Friday.

I just put color on my hair.  I pay about $7 to buy the home coloring kit.  It's really easy and it doesn't look too bad...I don't think.  I can't believe that many woman pay $70-$100 per month to get there hair professionally colored in a salon.  It may look better but not 10 times better!  Before Beanie was born I had a friend who was a stylist; she would color my hair for free using the salon colorants.  It actually dried my hair out more than my Performing Preference does so I told her I would just do it myself and save her the hassle.  I didn't tell her I felt it was ruining my hair.

I am anxiously waiting for Friss to call.  His dad was supposed to go see him yesterday.  I am dying to hear how it went.

Ramone called me yesterday just to say hi and check in.  That was nice.

Monster hasn't asked for a ride to the gym in days which has worked out well for me since I am sick.

I told Kevin it is time to pay my credit card and I will need his help.  He grumbled a little.  Hopefully it won't be a big deal.

Today Beanie is with her Dad at G&G's house for Easter.  I will have her tomorrow and we will celebrate with Kevin's family.  I am looking forward to a day of family.  I hope I feel better tomorrow.

I hope Beanie has a nice day.  She tells me all the time how she misses me coming along to visit G&G.   I miss them too.  Divorce sucks.

Oh that reminds me......JDK keeps telling me how sad he is we got divorced and how he wishes it could have worked out.   Yesterday I told him I wish it could have worked out too (that is always what I tell him because it is true).  I also told him that you can't have a real marriage with someone who doesn't want to be your friend.  Just last week he admitted he didn't want to be my friend when we were married and it took me leaving for him to realize he did want to be my friend.  In his mind, the fact that I didn't want to go back to him after I moved out and he was dating Joslyn was me ending our marriage.  In my mind it was over way before that; in fact it never began because he never tried to be married to me.  He legally went through the process but mentally never wanted to be my husband or friend.  That is why we never had a REAL marriage!

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that a person would marry someone they don't love and then actively make it a point to not be their friend.  That is some sick messed up shit!  I guess that is why I stayed as long as I did.....I kept thinking that he would try to make a good relationship with me, because isn't that what any NORMAL person would do?

Still Sick but Pushing Ahead

Last night I was hacking and coughing and struggling to sleep.  I took the strong cough syrup and broke out the addictive nose spray and managed to sleep from about 12 am to 6:30 am.  That was good.

This morning I tackled my To-Do list and it's now about noon and I think, despite all the cold medicine, I need to go to bed and "pass out" for a while.

I hate muddling along in this fog.  Being sick sucks.  On the bright side though....I don't have to go to work or call in sick!

Also, a positive, is Kevin has been sweet and loving and rubbed my back and tried to take care of me.  It is, for me, always a nice to feel cared for. 

I have to bitch about one thing though...His dog!

Kevin has an Italian Greyhound whose name is Kobi.   The dog is NOT potty trained yet he is 12 years old, which is very old for a small breed dog.  So at this point we are putting up with him until he passes.  (too old to retrain) He is, at the moment in his kennel in the kitchen.   I can relax when he is in there.  He still might pee in there but at least it won't be on my carpet or my furniture.

(please note that a dog that pees where he sleeps is a fucked up dog.....this dog is fucked up!)

On Tuesday night, Beanie came home from school and we were all (dogs and people) out on the screened in porch barbequing some burgers and when no one was looking Kobi peed on the new patio couch.  BIG giant pee right on the cushion that my daughter had her backpack on.  He had been outside not long before so the whole thing was an act of aggression.....he didn't HAVE to go....its not like I didn't let him out not long before.  He can go for about 12 hours without peeing so it is not a medical issue....I have ruled that out.

We washed the cushion and the dog was confined but I can't help but feel a prisoner of this dog and his tactics.  Basically if you cage him (usually) he whines in a high pitched totally irritating tone and if you don't he pees and poos all over the house.  It is making me NUTS.

I love animals and I hate to say this but this but I hate this dog.  He has NO (ZERO) redeeming qualities.  He is just a liability.  He holds me prisoner in my own home.  Either I do things his way or he shits and pisses on my house!!

What's On Your Mind?

Just woke up and started coughing so I snuck out of the bedroom and into my office with a cup of tea.  Just took my "12 Hour Decongestant" and should feel ALIVE again as soon as it kicks in.

Since my brain is rather blurry I figured I'd just write about "What's on your mind?"; you know, the question that Facebook is constantly posing to everyone in the world. 

......Isn't Facebook one of the most amazing phenomenon's you can imagine?  It is both comforting and scary that at any moment, anyone, anywhere can share just about anything with someone else who is no where near then physically.  It's a miracle! or is it a curse?

BUT, on Facebook , you mostly only post the good stuff about your life.  You post a photo of your kid when they win an award, not when you go to pick them up at jail or when you bust them half naked making out with their boyfriend.  (Did I ever tell you that I think I caught Ramone and her BF having sex in my basement at me and JDK's wedding reception?) 

So right now I am going to "brain-dump" about what is on my mind and because it's my blog and not Facebook I get to say anything I want, even if it isn't nice or pretty.  HA!

Ramone is a train wreck and it is constantly eating away at my thoughts.  First problem is her car.  I bought her a new car last spring; it was May if I remember correctly.  She had basically used and abused her previous car to the point where it was not safe at all and it was constantly eating away at my thoughts that my daughter was out there delivering pizza's at midnight in a junker car that was probably going to be the death of her.  Well, now the "new to her" car is also all junked up.  Last weekend she and Monster went to visit Friss and yesterday when I saw Monster, I asked him how her car was.  He proceeded to tell me he was scared to ride in it because one wheel is ruined (wheel, not tire.  She hit a curb and dented it.) and that he bitched her out because it was so trashed up.  She is still delivering pizza's too.  She is just like her dad, she ruins or loses everything she owns.  It is like they can't help it.  They are completely incapable of taking good care of their belongings.  I can't buy her a new car every year so I am going to have to just hold my breathe and hope nothing bad happens to her.  It breaks my heart.

Second thing making me nuts about Ramone...WHY THE HELL CANT SHE GET A BETTER JOB?  She works 5 days a week (off work on Monday and Thursday) delivering pizza's from 4 pm until about 4 am.   Then she stays up after work partying with her friend until dawn and then sleeps until 1 pm (sometimes later) and gets up and does it all again.  She is a small girl, about 100 pounds and 5 feet tall and I do not think it is safe AT ALL for her to be out delivering pizza in the middle of the night.   I just know if she keeps it up something really bad is going to happen.  She loves her job though because she makes a lot of CASH money in tips.  Monster says they just blow all their tip money on booze and pot for their after work parties.  This is not the life I want for my daughter.

Which brings me to my next concern, money.  I know she is behind on her bills.  She told me that she is worried they might cut off her utilities.  (Monster says she is about $1000 behind.)  I don't jump up and offer to pay anything because I don't even have a job and quit honestly I know she will just slide back into being behind anyway.  It's not like she has fallen on hard times.  She has chosen to live in a shitty house with shitty people and does a shitty job at managing her money.  She goes to the food bank for free food because she has no money for groceries yet there is always plenty of booze at her hose, ALWAYS!

CRAP - I think I may throw up this medicine.  My stomach is rebelling.  CRAP

~~~~~~~~~ long pause as she runs to the bathroom ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm back.....not much came out.  My stomach is empty which is probably why the medicine is making me nauseous.  TMI...I know.  (actually that was probably my decongestant I puked and now I will need more....grumble)

So Ramone is living some teen age dream life where she has her own place and her friends come and go as they please and she can party anytime of the day or night.  I just sit back and watch thinking how sad it is and hoping she will come to her senses.  I just don't see how she is going to make it in life.  She isn't even smart enough to catch a man that will take care of her, which is about the only way I think she will ever have a decent life.  I mean she is intelligent...she made good grades in high school when she applied herself, yet the day to day living stuff is always over her head, just like her father. I know he has never figured out how to cope with bills and responsibility on his own but he did manage to marry (another) women who will take care of him which was smart of him.

Friss submitted a transfer request but the state employee he gave it to (as social worker?) won't turn it in.  He has been researching if there is anything he can do about it and he has determined that he can't.  Basically, there is no rule that says they have to turn in the transfer request if they get one.  So he is upset about it and trying to figure a work around.

Monster is doing pretty good.  He works as a cook at a well established Thai restaurant.  He works the lunch shift (9 am to 3pm) Monday through Saturday.  He usually goes to the gym before or after work and he is saving for a new car.  The transmission on his car shot craps some months ago but he manages to get around.  He seems fairly responsible but still I don't think he can be a cook for the rest of his life?

Both Monster and RAmone are still on their father's health insurance which is good.  Not sure what they will do when that runs out.  Obama-care I guess.

I talked to my younger brother on the phone a few days ago.  He is a mess too.  He recently purchased a fixer upper house and it is, of course, a nightmare.  Lucky he has the money to waste.    Have I told you about his girlfriend?  Surely I have.  She is a pathetic creature who has latched on to him and wants to be his wife.  He treats her like dirt and won't let her move in with him.  He says he wishes she would leave him alone yet he never breaks up with her.  Anyway, she needed a place to stay so he let her move into the fixer upper house!  He is still living in his rental house.  She of course sleeps at his house as much as possible and then he tells me it pisses him off because she is supposed to be at the fixer upper house to keep it safe.  He says he wants to live alone.  These two have been doing this BS for the last 5 years....maybe longer.  He bad talks her constantly.  She is nice as pie and sweet talks the family as hard as she can.  So wrong.

JDK has been nice lately.  He even gave me back a item I left behind and wanted.  I asked him for the $250 he owes me for the house sale and he said he would give it to me.  He has not.  No surprise there.  I knew he was just saying nice things but would not follow through.  Why did it take me so long to believe that he is who he is?

In other more trivial news, I hate the fact that new furniture is not real wood.  It is all made of wood, but it is glued together saw dust not a piece of wood that has been cut and stained and assembled.  AND if you want to get a piece of REAL wood it is crazy expensive.  I need a kitchen table and one that is made of REAL wood will cost me about $2000.00!  Are you freaking kidding me?  And the "real wood product" tables cost at least $800.  And I am talking about just a table.  Chairs would be even more.  I keep seeing chairs I love and they run from $150 each and up.  Jesus Christ when did everything get so expensive?

I better sign off and get these people out of bed and off to work and school.  Maybe I should eat something and take another pill?