Heart Breaking

Friday I woke up with a new found clarity (see my last post) and Saturday I had a fantastic day with a fantastic man. We biked 44 miles together, longest bicycle ride of his life. (I am so proud of his progress in cycling!) Then we showered quickly and jumped on the motorcycle to meet some friends for lunch. Next we went to a big chicken wing party at the Harley store where the boys talked motorcycles while Sally and I had girl talk and wine. We then went home and baked cookies and fell asleep on the couch together.

Kevin IS my best friend and I am so happy to have him in my life. I have never been happier in a relationship. He is so kind, loving and giving. We are two peas in a pod. My love for him grows greater every single day and unless he is one hell of an actor I have found exactly what I need and want in a mate. I have no reservations about our future together; that is what I want.

I have decided that the last few weeks of me feeling so confused where mostly me adjusting to the idea that Husband has a steady girlfriend who sleeps in our bed, showers in our shower and is falling in love with my husband. I was also hurt at how quickly he replaced me. Seriously it was just eating me alive……if he wanted someone in his life so badly why couldn’t he have chosen me!?!?!  Basically I was still stewing on the past and a future I had once dreamed of.

Then I just put it down.  I really don’t care that he is dating.   I wish he and Roslyn the best. I just had to work through it I guess. So I was feeling better and thinking we could finally get those papers signed.

Then Sunday afternoon I get this text:
“I just had a painful realization today that you are really what I want in life. Hit me hard today. I want to be married to you.” I know my Husband and THIS is his heart finally giving way. The minute I read it I knew it was different. He was with Roslyn (I assumed) since I had our daughter and I suspected he was thinking of me and really not enjoying his time with her. He finally REALLY woke up! (BTDT)

This morning he showed up at school when I was dropping Beanie off. We walked her to her classroom and kissed her good-bye. Then he followed me to my car and awkwardly told me, with tears in his eyes that he spent the day Sunday with Roslyn and realized it was not where he wanted to be, that he really does love me and want me to be his wife. He then hugged me and was crying on my shoulder. I could feel him shaking. It was so sad. I felt so sorry for him but not IN love with him. This was the first time EVER I have truly believed he does love me. It is the first time ever I think he did too.

What a fucking mess!

I have been thinking about this all day………

I think he went and got a girlfriend as fast as he could as soon as he found out I had a boyfriend in his never ending desire to “win”. I think that as long as she was a secret from me he felt good to be pulling one over on me and he was kind of enjoying the game of it all. I do not think he was worried about our marriage at all. I think it was more about him feeling that I had no power over his feelings and that he would be just fine without me because he could replace me with ease.

Then when I found out about her and was crushed I think it surprised him.   I think he thought I was more detached than that. I think he thought HE was more detached than that.  The fact that she was in our marriage bed didn't help my reaction one bit and I know it made him feel like a piece of shit that I happen to show up at his house while she was sleeping in our bedroom and THAT is how I found out she even existed.

Suddenly the walls crashed down. I had my mini breakdown but now feel I have recovered because I have been detaching for some time now and I have Kevin. BUT poor Husband has finally put down his anger of all these years: his determination to not let me win, to not give in to my pregnancy or the fact that he didn’t choose me and now he has finally realized he does love me and at the same moment realized it is too late. Now the girlfriend is no fun and for the first time the end of our marriage is a reality for to him.

I feel so bad for him.

I want to get the papers signed before I lose my job but I don’t want to be mean and bring it up again right now. I have no idea what to do next. I even called George to make an appointment but then thought better of it and hung up. I kind of need that $50 right now.