Family Finances

My husband and I got married as grown adults with established credit, our own homes and our own systems in place for how we handle money and savings.  We both have good paying jobs although; I do make quite a bit more than him because my boss is nuts and way over pays me (not complaining).

To this day we really don’t comingle our money and I have very mixed emotions about it.  At times it really upsets me.  Let me tell you why it is upsetting me now.

There are a few household projects I think really need to be done.  First our daughter needs a ceiling fan in her room. If we don’t get one soon I will need to replace the floor fan that she uses that is about to die. Her room is wired for a ceiling fan so why not get it.  Also, we need new shower doors in our bathroom.  The old ones are yellow and were never installed correctly.  Lastly, I would really like an attic fan.  When I grew up we had one and it is such a nice way to cool the house down at night.  I think it could save on the electric bill too.

So I have mentioned all these things to the husband who evidently could care less about my honey do projects.  To him they are all not important.  He never says no but he never does anything towards getting these things done and I have been asking since early spring.

So then I think, fine, I will hire someone to come install a fan in her room…or at least hit up a friend to come over and install one for me.  I don’t mind paying for the fan because I really want her to have one.  Fall is coming and the house will be stuffy without a fan in her room.  But then I think it’s not fair that husband is lazy and disinterested so I have to spend my money, my time and my effort to get these things done that he should be doing for his family.  It’s like he comes out the winner by not doing anything for us and that seems completely wrong.

At least if it was “our” money then he would actually “lose” money by not doing it himself.  Then he would have a vested interest. 

Then again, there are good reasons to have our money separate.  For example, I go to work and make my own money and I really don’t like the idea of having to clear it with him if I spend my money.  He may just say NO to a ceiling fan (or vacation in Italy) and then I would not have the option to just do it anyway.  At least if I have my own funds I can still do the things I think are important even if he does not.  And let’s face it; he doesn’t think anything is very important unless it directly affects him.  (Yes I am suggesting that he doesn’t care if our daughter is hot and stuffy in her bed at night.)

And, I might add that as long as we are not “happily” married, I do feel better knowing that should either of us decided to divorce we won’t have to think too hard about who gets what.  (See how fucked up that thinking is!?!?!)

In the past when I have tried to talk to husband about it, his initial response was “well you have your system that works for you and I have my system that works for me so why would we want to change anything”.  This is logical and I find it hard to argue against it.  Later I kept nagging him about it and he said we could set up a joint account and add that to what we currently do.  I kind of like the idea and then again it is just a band aid.  He’s throwing me a bone.  It doesn’t really change anything; it just adds another level of complication.

But there’s more; if I were to lose my job and not be able to find a new job (quite possible in a small town in this terrible economy) would he even pays my half of the bills?   I don’t think so.  He would expect me to use up all my saving so he would not have to fork over more than his half.  That, to me, is an obvious sign that we don’t have a “real” marriage.

We currently have the regular recurring bills divided up fairly evenly.  I pay the house payment and he pays the utilities, insurance and food bills.   We take turns paying for Beanies school and I tend to pay for her ballet and gymnastics.  Although I try very hard to make him pay some of that too.

I know part of why he doesn’t want to combine our funds is because he doesn’t want to pay for my teenagers from my prior marriage.  I get that.  Then again, if we really are going to spend the rest of our lives together (as marriage is supposed to signify) then at the end of the day all the money is our money and that is the bottom line.  When we are 80 and retired are we still going to bicker over only paying our half of things?

How do you and your husband handle the family money?  Got any great thoughts on the subject?

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I need to amend this post because I left out something really important.  Right or wrong, the truth is, I think he should feel responsible for supporting his family.  He should not feel that it is my job to pay half.  If I can pay half, that’s fine….if I do pay half, that’s good, but the fact that he only feels he owes half I think is wrong.  Maybe it’s old fashioned of me.

I don’t think he would say that his dad only expected to pay half and expected him mom to cover the other half.

I don’t think he married his first wife (husband is divorced but had no kids) and expected her to pay half the bills.  I know he paid off her student loans after they got married.  I am 90% sure he expected her to be a stay at home mom and he was going to support his family.

So the truth is I feel he thinks I am a sugar mama and that just smooth pisses me off!!

Shannon

from According To Me.....you are privite now and i am worried.  Can you please let me know what is going on or fix it so i can see the blog? 

Hope it is nothing to terrible!

Aware of Something Missing

This weekend I did my training and my household chores.  My almost 5 year old was a typical kid and husband was fairly nice.  Life seemed almost normal and well adjusted.  No drama, no stress.  I should be happy.  I am happy.

BUT, I find myself craving something more.  I crave a deeper connection with another human being.  I crave an in dept, meaningful, moving or touching conversation.  I crave something that feels important between me and another person.  I am not necessarily talking about romance but more just connecting on a deeper level where you feel a true sharing of spirit and heart.

I come into work and read a few blogs.  Blog friends who are experiencing these deeper meanings or expressing them.  It feeds my need a bit but can’t fill the void of a live human being here for me, with me, having a “real” conversation.

There just isn’t anyone around right now that fits that bill.  I feel like life goes on, I go through the motions, the days tick off and the work gets done, but it all seems so superficial.  Like it is just not that important somehow; necessary but not fulfilling.

I need to feel that something is actually important.

Born August 13

Today i received this email from Rocco's wife with two newborn photos attached:

"He is here.  Colin Henry ______ was born August 13th, 2012.  6 pounds 14 ounces and 19 3/4 long.  Life is busy, hectic, but so sweet.  

Hope all is well with you, your family, and your training."

I beleive she was just trying to be nice.....she is proud and happy.

It hurts me.  It makes me sad.  It gives me a huge hollow hole in my gut.

Wine will be consumed.

When Expectations are SO Low

Yesterday via email husband and I kind of made up.  The last week has been one of the worst we have ever had.  I have finally just given up caring all together about his moods and our relationship.  Now every time he throws his crappy mood around the house I just leave, or at least go in the bedroom and ignore him.  I used to let it hurt my feeling.  I used to want to try and make things better.  I used to want to understand what was going on with him.  Not anymore. 

Now my attitude is like this:  If you want to act like a fucking ass hole then I want nothing to do with you.

I am just so over it all.

So for the last week or so he has barely spoken to me.  He has been moody and gruff and stayed out late with no explanation.  I have gone to bed early, sequestered myself in the bedroom with the Olympics on and gone over to friend’s house to stay out of his way.

Then, yesterday morning, after he gets up and ignores me for about 30 minutes, he climbs in bed with his coffee and flat out asks me if we can have sex because he is horny.  I said “absolutely not” which angered him so he left the room, lube in hand, to take care of his needs on his own.  (I understand that men have needs but I really wonder if he has issues in this regard.  Maybe he is a sex addict?)

When he was done he came back and got his things, said goodbye and left for work.  Later I emailed him and told him that ignoring me and being a jerk all week was not going to make me feel like making love to him or even helping with his “semen accumulation problem”.  I, once again, suggested that he should Google “how to seduce your wife”.  (Of course he never does)

His response to my email was to say “fair enough”.  Then he proceeded to have a few email exchanges with me saying he wants to do better, that he loves me and that he is sorry to be such a jerk.  I was feeling soft so I was nice back.  I try NOT to hold a grudge.

So last night, when he got home from biking (at 9:30!) he climbed in bed with me and actually talked to me and acted like a civilized person.  I blurted out anything I felt like telling him (spoke freely to him like we are friends or something) and he graciously accepted.  He even answered questions when I asked him some. 

So, today I am sitting here feeling better because he actually spoke to me like a civilized person last night for almost a whole entire hour. 

WOW – my standards are so high.  (Really, this is what makes me happy?  He talked to me.  Sigh.)

Running On Empty

I woke up and checked the clock.  I was supposed to meet Stina to run at 6.  I told her I would be there.  She doubted my legs would still work after yesterday and I told her as long as we keep about a 10 minute pace I can chug out any old run she offers me.

The clock said it was ¼ past.  The alarm was set for ½ past.  I decided to go ahead and get up…..i was  worried I might be moving a bit slow.  I made some toast.  I got dressed, used the bathroom and fed the dog.  I headed to the car at about 10 till which would get me to her house right on time.  I pulled out of the driveway and started my Garmin so it would find a signal.  I then looked at the clock in the car……..it was almost 5 o’clock.  FIVE!!!

Holy shit I got up an hour early…….AFTER I went to bed like 4 hours late.  I am such an idiot!  I turned the car around, pulled back in the garage, and jumped back into bed with all my running gear on.  I was going to sleep a little more by golly.

Next thing I know it is almost 6 am and Stina texts me that she is sick and it is rainy so she is bagging the run.  Now I regret getting up early even more!  Then again…..I can once again go back to sleep.  I pull off my running clothes and climb back into bed one more time.  I slept until 6:30…or was it 7.  Late for me.

Once I got up I did my weekly chores, finally talked to hubby on the phone and then headed over to Uwe’s to hang out.  At his house I had lunch and a nap on the couch.  I then ran to the grocery store and got some stuff that was on sale.  Prices too good to pass up.  I finally arrived home around 3:30 and Husband and kid were there waiting for me.  Husband was pissed that he had to wait because he wanted to go to the gym.  He said something sharp at me as he marched past me and out of the house.

I put my groceries away and cuddled with my Bean.  I showed her the big old cantaloupe I bought for her and she was happy to see me.  Thank God someone loves me.

The rest of the night I played with my daughter and watched the Olympics closing ceremony.  Husband returned home at some point but never spoke to me all night.  Whatever.

A BIG Brick workout (with girls)

Thursday at my multisport club meeting I met a woman named Keri who is training for a FULL marathon distance triathlon.  I was looking for someone to bike with and found out she was biking Saturday morning so I begged to join her.  I was so very excited to have a girl to train with on the bike.  She was worried I would be too fast for her but I knew it would be fine.  I was looking for distance not speed, besides when I post my 20 mph rides, that is because I am drafting off of some fast men.  It is really not hard if you know how to draft well, which I do.  So I was also looking forward to earning my keep on this ride and not sitting easy on the back of some dudes tire.

I met the girls as planned at 6 am.  Husband was still asleep when I left but I woke him to say goodbye and to have a nice trip and to tell him the dress our daughter wanted to pack was in the dryer.  (Cause I take care of so much shit he has no clue.)

So now I have to brag because I am really really proud of myself.  Keri, Kelly, Nancy and I biked 62.5 miles together.  The whole time we had some nasty breeze that made us have to work both out and back on the ride but we still managed to averaged 17.5 miles per hour with NO drafting which is GREAT. 

Next it was time to run.  Keri was planning on 14 and I decided I wanted about 10.  The other two girls opted for shorter runs.  I put on my iPod and hit the trail and watched my Garmin tick off the miles.  I finally arrived at a bathroom/water station at just under 5 miles and decided it was a good time to turn around and head back.  I actually felt pretty good at that point and my average pace was 8:37 which I was thrilled with given the fact that it was getting very hot out and I had just biked for 4 hours!!  On my return run I struggled to keep up the pace so the final tally was 9.6 miles at an average pace of 8:52.

For my race in September I need to bike 56 and run 13.1 and this “brick” as they call it was a huge confidence builder for me.  I can do this! (No I have not forgotten that I need to swim first…..just let me bask in the glory for a minute….OK?)

The whole way home I was pretty dang proud and texted Uwe and Stina to tell them I survived.  I tried to call hubby to see how he was and tell him how great my ride with the girls was but he did not answer so I left him a voice message with the highlights and asked that he call me back when he could.  He was headed to KC for the wedding and would not be home until tomorrow.

Back home I was hungry but not feeling bad at all.  As we biked we had practiced our nutrition plans.  If you are ever racing more than an hour you have to plan to eat or you will just fall apart from lack of fuel.   Another good outcome from today was I did manage to eat a lot of calories on the bike and still keep my tummy happy so I could run.  This is huge. 

Now it was about 1 pm and I ate 3 scrambled eggs with salsa for lunch and a big bowl of Greek yogurt and fruit for dessert.  Yes I was going for a protein rich meal.

Next I did some stuff around the house and colored my hair and took a shower.  About 4 I headed over to Uwe because he was taking me to the state fair.  I have never been before and he insisted I tag along with him and his best friend Kevin who go every year.  He even offered to pay for me to get in and hear the band.  (Such a sweet heart.)

We had a fun filled night people watching and eating junk food and marveling at naked chickens and big prize winning turkeys.  I didn’t get home until 1 am!!  I was beyond wiped out at this point!!

Another Happy Friday Night (NOT)

After work I rounded up Beanie from school and we headed home.  I then finally got her blessing to remove her braids from Cancun.  She had refused to let me take them out up until now.  OMG it was not an easy task.  There were scissors involved, much loss of hair and almost some tears shed but I finally got it all out and we took a shower together. 

Then we painted her nails since she wanted to be extra beautiful because she and Daddy had a wedding to attend on Saturday.  For dinner she requested a peanut butter and honey sandwich but when I went to the pantry to find the honey it was all gone.  Now I am pretty sure husband did this because I would have put it on the list.  No big deal, he was supposed to be at the grocery store that very minute so I texted him “we need honey”.  I got no response, but that is typical.

The evening wore on and no sign of the husband.   Finally, Beanie and I fell asleep watching the Olympics in bed.  When husband did finally arrive home it was well past 8 pm and I jumped up to help him with groceries and to tell him that our daughter was asleep so we should be quiet.  I closed the bedroom door so she would not be bothered if we talked.

He hauled in bags (we shop once a week so it is usually a big load) and I put stuff away quickly.  I made a big point to thank him for picking up kitty litter and a few other things that I knew he may not get if he judged them unnecessary in his opinion even though I had put them on the list.  It quickly became apparent to me that he was still in a foul mood.  There was no talking or eye contact; he just mechanically dropped bags in to the house from the garage.

Once the groceries were all put away, he pulled out the stock pot and sat it on the stove; unusual of him to cook at this late hour, unusual of him to cook at all.  I asked what he was up to and he snapped at me in a pissy tone, never looking up, “I’m cooking!”

OK then, not in a good mood, let me get out of your way.  I went back to bed without a word.  He clunked around in the kitchen for a while and I was out cold in no time.  (I have been sleeping better since I finally got a good doctor who changed my blood pressure medicine.)

I think he fell asleep on the floor in the living room at some point and finally came to bed in the wee hours of the morning.  Of course he lay down on top of the comforter which he knows I don’t like but I guess I shouldn’t care anymore because he already ruined it by getting antibiotic ointment on it last month so now it has two large greasy spots on it and I just bought it this last spring and it was NOT cheap.  (Yea I’m still pissed off about that one.)

So I guess I will never know where he was after work.  I assume happy hour but I won’t bother to ask.

I Blurted Out How I Really Feel

Yesterday I found a new doctor and got my prescription refilled.  This was an emergency deal because I had no idea that if my old doctor retired, the prescription she gave me would become null and void.  I feel so lucky to have found what seems to be a great doctor so quickly.

That was my morning project.  Then after I worked through lunch to make up for being gone all morning I went to the dentist all afternoon to have a crown replaced.  NO FUN!

I got out of the dentist office at 4 pm and felt well enough to pop into the AT&T store and get a new phone.  I was due.  My old one was crap.  Husband said he would buy it for me for my birthday but I didn’t want to wait for him to get around to going to the store with me which could take weeks and I have been struggling with old phone for months.  So I scored a new Samsung Galaxy S3.  FUN!

At 5 I picked up Beanie and then rounded up Ramone and we three girls went out to dinner.   It was nice to sit on my butt and get served some mashed taters and roast beef.  YUM!   Beanie was a bit of a handful, she was obviously tired.

Next I went home and put away a load of laundry, cleaned out my car and did a bunch of other little chores around the house.  (I didn’t sit down for an hour at least.) Meanwhile Beanie was exhausted and full of undirected energy and making me a little crazy.  Eventually, I insisted she put on her pajamas and chill in front of the TV.

Husband arrived home around 8 and headed straight for the kitchen to eat.  I joined him to talk since I had not seen him all day and so much had happened.  This is where I feel like I am being nice and glad to see him yet somehow I irritate the shit out of him and he starts to act grumpy.  After he finished eating he started to unload the dishwasher.  I asked him if it could wait and he ignored me as usual.  He started shoving things in cabinets and I continued to tell/discuss whatever it was on my mind.  At some point I was between him and the cabinet he wanted into so he slammed the dishes onto the counter; a very abrupt obviously not nice slam.  I shut up and said “I will get out of your way” and headed back to the bed room to watch the Olympics some more.  Besides, I really wanted to rest…..it had been a LONG day.

He yelled after me (and this is not usual for him) “why don’t you just help unload the dishwasher instead of leaving?”  I did not answer him.  It didn’t matter what I would say.  In all honesty, I do 90% of the house work and I was tired and I didn’t want to.  He usually empties the dishwasher and that is about his only chore so let him do it.  He certainly would not jump up to help me if he had been watching the Olympics.

As soon as he gets done with the dishwasher he heads into the living room where Beanie is resting comfortably in front of the TV (by now it is 8:20 pm) and I over hear him say.  “Let’s play!”  Now, I know this man and what he really meant was “your mother is awful to park you in front of the TV and ignore you and I will save you from this bad parenting”.

I knew she was tired and did not want him to get her all wound up so I rushed in there and told him so.  As far as I am concerned the kid should go to bed at 8 or 8:30 at the latest but that is a whole other post. (She is always up before 6 am and often cranky cause she is tired.) 

Well, of course he hates for me to speak my mind or have input but he did instead offer to read to her.  I said that was a great idea.  Suggested they go to her bed and read to her then she can go to sleep after.  She heard this suggestion and immediately said she did not want to read.  Really she just doesn’t want to go to bed.  Yea, I guess I did mess that up.

She said she wanted to cuddle with daddy and I said lets all watch the Olympics in the big bed and then Beanie can go to sleep.  She was good with that as long as she could cuddle with daddy.

He somehow thought I wanted her back on the couch so he stomped into the living room in an angry rage and turned on the lights and the TV in dramatic fashion saying something like “fine”.  By now I am really aggravated and quite honestly I rarely say a word to him anymore but this time it just came out.  I followed him in there and asked him “why do you have to be such an ass hole all the time?”

I gathered up beanie and told her I would cuddle with her and took her to bed with me.  Daddy put on his outdoors clothes and I think he was contemplating leaving.  I asked him where he was going about 5 times and he finally said downstairs.  That was that.  I never saw him again all night.

Beanie was asleep in 5 minutes and I watched the Olympics for a while until I fell asleep.  Around midnight I moved her to her room like I do every night and she asked where daddy was.  I told her he was sleeping in the guest room.  Her reply was quick as she sadly stated “I guess everyone will sleep alone tonight”.

Biking, Birthdays and Electronic Failures

Friday I picked up Beanie and headed straight home.  Husband arrived right after me with groceries and a 6 pack.  I think he was willing to share, but I am not drinking because I am trying to take my training VERY seriously as this point.  Thing to note is he came right home which is a nice thing and doesn’t seem to happen very often.

I am not sure if I mentioned it here on this blog yet, but I DID actually sign up to do the Half “Ironman” distance triathlon at nationals.  That will consist of a 1.2 mile swim, a 56 mile bike and then a 13.1 mile run.  The race is September 22 and now that vacation is behind me and husband is on the mend, this race is my focus for the next seven weeks.

Anyway Friday we had a good evening.  I don’t remember the details but I do remember thinking Husband was fairly pleasant.  I should also point out that he got his stitches out last Tuesday and he got his case off on Wednesday and they cleared him for normal activity as long as it doesn’t hurt

Saturday first thing I ran 10 miles with Stina and then biked 51 miles with Uwe.  It got really steamy by the end and Uwe was whining like a girl.  As soon as we finished I went home to eat and see my Bean.  We tried to nap but I failed to get her to sleep.  She was a wreck the balance of the day.

Husband however was pretty agreeable and interactive so again I was happy about that.  I kept thinking “if he was like this all the time and a romantic once in a while I would be perfectly satisfied with my marriage.” 

Then I had to go and push my luck.  Around 6:30 I asked if he would mind if I rode my bike again on Sunday morning, just for a couple of hours, I would be home by 9 a.m. at the latest and I even promised to clean the basement floor which is something he had mentioned was past due.  He then became cold and distant and avoided me the rest of the night.  I asked him several times what was wrong and even offered to skip the ride if it would cheer him up.  He had no interest in discussing it and forged ahead in full asshole mode, so I just ignored him back after my initial attempts at being a good wife and discussing what I viewed as a sudden mood change I might have created. 

I thought about what was really wrong and I decided he was just jealous because he can’t bike due to his broken wrist still being tender.  I also decided that it is ridiculous that he is so childish and selfish that he has to go pout because I am training.  He has to treat me coldly because he can’t have all the fun he likes AND, he is the one that wrecked the motorcycle causing the injuries so I don’t think I deserve any of it.

Sunday morning I showed up for the group ride and no one was there.  My rotten cell phone texting was not working or I would have known that the ride had been cancelled.   However, since I was out anyway I decided to do hill repeats on my own.  I went to my favorite hill and rode up it several times drinking in the fresh morning air as the sun rose up over the rural countryside.

I went ahead and wore my iPod (which I rarely do on the bike) because it was so early and remote I knew there would be very little traffic.  I really enjoyed my “me time” on my bike and my legs are pretty darn sore this morning.  Good sore of course.

After the ride I threw on my running shoes and headed out to run…..I was about a half a mile into it when my iPod froze up.  It was playing but the controls quit working.  I stopped to tinker with it and turned it off then it would not come back on.  I wasn’t in the mood to hear myself breathing and my feet hitting the pavement so I only ran 2 miles and then called it a day.  Why are all my electronics crapping out on me?

On the way home I stopped at Target and purchased a new iPod.  It makes my runs so much more pleasurable to have some peppy music.  I have been advised that you are not allowed to wear music in a triathlon or they will disqualify you.  This makes me sad since I know it is going to make the half tri in September even harder on me.

Sunday afternoon me and Beanie took naps and then attended a birthday party/pool party for one of Beanies classmates.  It was lots of fun.

 

We arrived back home around 6 p.m. so I watched 60 minutes and then the Olympics.  Husband was not bad but not good.  He was pretty much doing his own thing until around 9 when he came and watched TV with me until 10 and then he went to sleep.  You know he does not kiss me good night unless I ask him to.  I hate that.