Good Question

This morning a friend of mine asked me if I really love my husband. It was a valid question. People stay together for lots of reasons and love is sometimes not one of them. I thought about it quickly and answered YES I am sure I do.

I am not sure why, but I am sure I do.

I am sure I never would have stuck around this long if I didn’t really love him.

But really….why do I love someone that frustrates me so much and does not fulfill my needs?

My Friend

I have a friend, a male friend, who I have been spending a lot of time with. He is very friendly and outgoing and we really enjoy each other’s company. He says and does all the nice things I wish my husband would do and it really drives me crazy…..cause I just wish my husband would do these things.

Examples:

1) Send me random text message throughout the day with thoughts and comments. It doesn’t matter what they are….it’s just the reaching out to make contact that matters.

2) Say nice things to me. Acts appreciative. Tell me you missed me.

3) Just sit and talk about anything and everything for no good reason except to hang out.

4) Tell me stories about your friends, your life and your day.

5) Notice if my mood changes or something seems wrong and ask if I am OK because you really seem to care how I feel.

BOOKS by Eckhart Tolle

I just finished listening to an audio recording of Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth, which I got free from my local library.

It was VERY GOOD!

It was so good (maybe I should say important to me) that I am going to listen to it again….NOW. In fact, I may listen to it 3 times in a row.

Eckhart Tolle’s books are probably classified as “new age” or “self help”, but I would call them “how to think straight and actually understand life”.

Eckhart Tolle also wrote The Power of Now which has been pretty popular. I already own this book and would totally recommend it too.

I think everyone should read these books. You will either love it or hate it.

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Here is what Wikipedia says:

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose is a book by Eckhart Tolle, a follow-up to his first book and bestseller, The Power of Now. Tolle says "this book's main purpose is not to add new information or beliefs to your mind or to try to convince you of anything, but to bring about a shift in consciousness; that is to say, to awaken". First published in 2005, it was selected in 2008 by Oprah Winfrey for her book club, and was followed by a 10-week live online seminar with both Tolle and Winfrey. By 2009, 5 million copies had been sold in North America.

Format and theme

A New Earth: Awakening To Your Life's Purpose is a more detailed examination of the ideas introduced in The Power of Now. Although both revolve around the same theme, there are significant differences. The Power Of Now is in a question/answer format, and focuses on the self-help aspects of Tolle's work; his second book Stillness Speaks is in the style of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, a series of short passages designed for meditative reflection; whereas A New Earth is in a more traditional long essay format, and Tolle spends more time on the societal ramifications of his ideas, culminating in tentative descriptions of a future in which enjoyment and compassion have replaced desire and conflict as the core motivating principle for humanity.

Tolle sees humanity as trapped in thinking. Individuals derive a sense of identity from these thoughts, and it becomes impossible to achieve lasting happiness. As this sense of identity is fictional and static, it is subject to destruction and decay, a process Tolle sees as the main causal factor in human suffering. Tolle also sees this sense of identity as the cause of unnecessary human conflict. The escape from this ongoing prison is a direct experience of the sublime, the infinite - that which stands outside, before and beyond the categorisations and divisions of conceptual thought. A key way which Tolle suggests this can be done is to bring one's attention to the present moment.

Helpful links:

http://books.google.com/books?id=Bto8PqiEnzIC&printsec=frontcover&dq=eckhart+tolle&hl=en#v=onepage&q&f=false

http://books.google.com/books?id=bLOKdFhvUZcC&printsec=frontcover&dq=eckhart+tolle&hl=en#v=onepage&q&f=false

Thinking Realisticly

This morning…my logical brain is on and I think to myself: “You know what Self, when you were single; there were no guys that were worth a crap to be found. The single men in their 40s are single for a good reason. No one wants them and neither do you. Prince charming is not out there waiting for you!”

This is something I must not forget.

It is easy to be hard on my husband, but, really, he is gainfully employed, good looking, hard working, not a drug addict, doesn’t beat me, etc. etc.….I mean really….he is a good catch!! Right!?!

And I do believe he is committed to our relationship; which is not to say he knows what to do with it, but at least he is not ready to chuck the whole thing the minute things get dicey.

I need to keep this all in perspective. If I ditch him, I should only do it if I want to be alone. To think I will find a better love is just insane. I was single for 10 years before I married him and I met nothing but a string of losers and freaks. Being single is only cool if you want to be single. If you want to be married finding a husband after 40 is just a dumb idea…..because the pickens get so ridiculously slim after that you might as well forgetaboutit.

This guy at the top is single!! What ya think!?!?!

My Half Marathon

I was more nervous than usual going into this race. Historically I have done bike races and I felt confident about my cycling skills so there was no reason to be nervous. All the other running races I have done, including 2 other half marathons, were more for fun than anything. I had never actually set a running goal for myself other than finish and have fun. So today, with a plan and a goal in mind, I drove downtown to see if I really could do what I have been training for all summer.

The temperature was in the upper 60s, humid and overcast but I grabbed my sunglasses just in case.

The start was packed with people and I felt uncomfortable being up near the front but there was no way to move back. I heard there were 643 runners which is a lot of people to cram in the small road at the start.

Good for me…..I remember to punch my Garmin when I crossed over the timing mat.

Plan for the first mile was a 9:30 pace but I was in a huge crowd of runners so I felt that pressure to run with them. I keep looking down at my Garmin to see I was doing an 8 minute pace or faster. I tried to slow down but it felt so slow. People kept streaming past me like I was standing still and I was not running as slow as I should be. Surely all these people are not going to run this half in less than 2 hours. Is 2 hours really THAT slow?

By the second mile I was back on track with my pace at just under a 9 minute mile. By mile 3 we are on the trail and I settle in to enjoy my run. Before you know it the first water stop is here at the 5.5 mile marker. I decide to quickly eat my goo and wash it down with a swig of water.

Then it was up the hill and on to the next long, level section I was looking forward to. By now I started to wonder if Husband would be on the course taking photos like we had planned. It looked like it could rain at any minute so he may have decided to stay home.

As I turned the next corner, I saw a familiar face and there was my husband and my daughter smiling at me. I stopped and gave Bean a kiss. I know she was excited to see me since we had been talking up this race for some time.

I was now reenergized and picked up my pace a bit. I was having a good race and feeling more confident that I would accomplish my goal of completing this half in less than 2 hours.

On the BIG downhill I cut loose and passed about 25 people which felt great. I think only one or two ever passed me again. I kept thinking if I paced myself correctly I should be passing a lot of people at the end who had gone out too strong in the beginning.

Up the next hill was the killer as expected. Looking at my data, I maintained my 9ish minute pace up the hill pretty well so no wonder it hurt.



Now down the hill to the trial. At the trail head was the last water stop. I was feeling thirsty and thought it wise to drink but the kids manning the stop had NO full glasses. They literally handed you an empty cup and you had to stand there and fill it. Husband saw me stop and later criticized me for it. But I thought a quick drink at this point might be important.




Back in town they routed us south through campus; a last minute route change that was a bit unnerving. Also, my music was not on a song that I wanted so I was fiddling with my iPod too much. My pace started to fade and I was really starting to hurt. Feeling a bit aggravated at this point but I knew it was only one more mile so I finally tuned a song in and just ran it out. Glancing at my Garmin I could see I was around 8:55 for my average pace so I was pretty sure I was going to accomplish my goal.

As I rounded the last corner I gave my buddy Larry who was working the corner a high five and I was feeling elated. I saw another running friend working the course and gave him a big HELLO. Almost to the finish a suave young man dressed all in black cheered me on….it was old running partner Terry and I felt so happy I could bust. At the finish I was met by some more of my friends and Ramone. It was sooooo nice to have them all there. I am such a lucky person to have such wonderful people in my life.




Final time was 1:56 minutes and my average pace was 8:56.

So…..next year…..shall we go 8:30 pace?

He's Trying

Seems like since the BIG fight my husband has been better. He has been more considerate and is certainly putting forth more of an effort to communicate with me. I feel like he is trying harder, which is good.

I suppose we both just needed to purge….to blow off steam….to make a fresh start.

OR

Maybe he just finally took me seriously that I was not willing to stay forever no matter what he does.

Although things are better, I am still not getting the attention and affection that I really want and need. And, I am still worried that he is just not capable of actually being close to another human being. But as long as he is trying I can’t be angry with him and that makes it all feel different.

Baby steps. Seems things keep getting better but so slowly and in such small increments. It’s like being on a diet and losing only one pound per year. Exhausting.