I Deserve a Break

When I was 16 I had my first child and even before that I worked full time in a pizza restaurant while I was attending high school full time. Later I worked full time and put myself through college by taking evening classes while raising my son as a single parent. When the two middle kids came along, my husband had a low paying job and I had to work. I was the primary bread winner. Later we divorced so I was back to being the sole supporter of my household.

So, in the fall of 2007, when I had Baby Bean, I wanted to stay home and just be a mom and not worry about anything but doting on my last little newborn child I would ever bring home from the hospital. I have worked really hard for most all of my life and I think I deserve a break.

Sadly, the housing market crashed right before her birth and we were sitting on two houses and making two house payments with no end in sight. The house was listed for sale, but no one ever made me a serious offer. So, financially I could not swing quitting my job to enjoy my magical time with my infant.

Later, after we sold the other house and had more options financially, I kind of decided that I still would love to take some time off and stay home with my toddler. You know, relax for a year or two before my sweet little girl headed off to kindergarten and I blinked and she was in high school.

The company I work for is owned by a man who has ridiculous spending habits and I firmly believe it is just a matter of time before he sinks the ship and is required to file for bankruptcy. The negative spiral of the economy has only strengthened my opinion that this company will not make it in the long run.

So, I decided that rather than discuss taking time off with my husband (who would not be happy about it), or quitting my job, I would just wait for my job to run out. Besides, it is easier to tell my next potential employer that the company went under than it is to explain why I quite. In the meantime I would collect a check and save up a little cash reserve to help me really enjoy my time off. They pay me well for not doing much around here so it is really not such a bad job in many ways. I decided that when the place went belly up I would start looking for a new job at a leisurely pace. No rush to get back into the working world I would finally be getting my opportunity to slow down and really enjoy my family and my kids; the break I have earned and deserve.

Then, in the fall of 2009, my husband was offered, and took, a fellowship at the university. He told me up front he really didn’t want to do the work to earn his PHD, but he thought he should accept it because it would look good on his resume and besides, he logiced, maybe once he dug into it he would find the enthusiasm to complete it after all. So he started working part time and attending school again. He had some money saved up and was still earning a partial paycheck so I was not overly concerned about money so I still had my plan……the plan that would hopefully give me a long vacation from the daily rat race of working America.

As the semester progressed I watched my husband struggle to do his homework and keep motivated about any of it. I knew he hated his job and I knew he was not “getting into” his PHD program. He vowed he would drop out at the end of the semester. I knew if he didn’t really want to do it there was nothing I could do to change his mind and I supported his decision to quit the PHD program. I looked forward to the day he would no longer be crushed with this responsibility he had taken on.

Then, next thing I knew, he quit his job. He never actually discussed it with me nor did he actually come home one day and say “well, I had to quite”. He told me some rather cryptic things and his secretary told me he left his keys on his desk and he had brought home boxes of stuff from his office. I put it all together. When I asked him about it he told me that he had already quit his job to take the PHD fellowship so he was pretty sure that once he quit the PHD program that was it, he was done. However, his boss kept asking him to work on projects and he did so off and on all winter. He was also home and doing projects around the house which was kind of nice. With all this free time he was more relaxed and agreeable than ever.

During this time he half heartedly looked for another job and I was actually glad that I still had my job. I didn’t want both of us to be unemployed with no insurance. After all, we live in a larger house and have a good sized mortgage payment. Besides, I do not look forward to trying to sell the house AGAIN; it went so badly last time that we ultimately gave up. And on top of all that, with the poor economy, finding a new job is a scarier proposition than it ever has been.

I assumed he would find a new job here in our little town, or he would finally decide to start looking for a job in a bigger city with more opportunities. I assumed he would tire of not having a REAL job or at least get tired of living out of his savings. I really didn’t think he would just keep “coasting” forever.

In the spring of 2010 his boss gave him an ultimatum. He said he either had to get back in the office and take his old job back or he was no longer going to work with him. My husband grudgingly moved back to his office and started to “go” to work every day. Later I found out that his boss had not really re-hired him. It is my understanding that the boss told my husband that my husband should complete all the necessary paperwork to make the human resources department happy so he would be back on the payroll. My husband did not really want his old job back so he put off the paperwork and pondered his other options. Now, some months later, I am not sure he is being paid at all for the work he is doing even though he goes to the office daily. He may be getting paid as a consultant, not an employee, as he did set up a bank account for a company he made up. I know he does not have health insurance which I find rather irritating and irresponsible of him. I am starting to wonder when he will decide to act like a grown up, the father of this family, and get a real job and stop playing games.

So now, here I sit still working and wondering when my company goes down the tubes what I will do. I will not have health insurance either. I think at my age it is important to keep insurance coverage. You know, the minute I am without it, they will find breast cancer or some such crap. I am also a bit miffed that he somehow got to be the irresponsible one who took time off and I didn’t. I had been craving it for years…….and I really felt it was my turn. For once in my life I just wanted to be taken care of a little; be the one who took some time for themselves; be the one that others took care of. I mean really, he went 35 years of life with no kids. His whole life has been a vacation if you ask me. I want my time…….my time to be irresponsible.

Part of me feels like I should just not worry about it; if I am out of work and without insurance who cares. I will make do. I have savings. I have skills. I will be fine. We won’t end up homeless no matter what. Worse case we end up living with the grandparents which wouldn’t be ideal but it is not the end of the world either. Then again, I worry that it may be one of those things that I look back and say “what the hell was I thinking!” I knew better. He was being a child and one of us should have been the adult. (Flash back to letting Friss be a man and take care of a family on his own…..bad idea!)

Then again, I am so responsible and capable that those around me tend to lean on me. Maybe if I quit acting like I have everything under control someone else will jump in and help me out and take some of the responsibly off my shoulders. I really am tired……..tired of the burdens of adulthood and tired of feeling it is ALWAYS me that has to get it done and make it happen and be the capable adult.

I can second guess everything I think and do!!! What is ever really the right choice?

The Truth Is.....

This is my husband dressed and ready to leave on a bike ride.

This is a comment he made to me today in an e-mail.

"You make me very happy and I will never leave you......I am like a lamprey eel......always there....and I suck."

I laughed and smiled. Funny, he knows how bad he sucks and good for him for admitting it.
I really do love him a lot even if he is a total pain in my ass!