Sturgis - A trip we had planned over a year ago

Yesterday I drove home from visiting my brother and on the highway I saw all the motorcycles headed to Sturgis; bike after bike with a pack on the back headed west to the rally.

It made me want to go to soooo badly.  I love to climb on the back of his bike, wrap my legs & arms around him and head out on an adventure.  I know I have posted here before.....but our first date was on his motorcycle and I do love riding with him. 

I got home from a very nice visit with my brother........

A picture is worth a thousand words.

then I grabbed my bicycle (no motor other than my legs) and met some friends for an amazing group ride.  The weather was PERFECT!  (average 20 mph!)

Back home I was hoping to find Kevin in a good mood and maybe, just MAYBE we could be "OK" and I would go along on vacation.

But NO....he got home around 8 p.m. and marched into our home so very full of negativity.  He was unpleasant and a jerk.  I do not like this man.  He is too much like JDK.  There is no way I would cuddle up behind this man for hours and hours of highway time to travel to Sturgis.  Fuck that!

So we went to bed and then Friday morning I sat him down and I said:

"Listen, I was really wanting to go on this trip with you but you talked me out of it very quickly."

He looked confused and asked when we discussed it.

I told him "oh...we didn't discuss it specifically, but your negative attitude is really making me want to stay away from you so why would I want to go on vacation with you....especially on something as intimate as a motorcycle?"

I explained that if he really wanted to fix things he would be sweet, loving and kind.  He would kiss me and make love to me and show me how much I meant to him.  I reminded him that he had broke our connection (trust) and it was up to HIM to rebuild it.  I am not going to beg for this....he will have to work for it.  It is the only way to make it WHOLE again.

I told him to think about us while on his vacation and decide what he really wants.  If he wants *US* he need to court me and woo me and win me over all over again.  Or if he doesn't...that's fine.....lets get this house listed and get on with our lives!

Book: "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw

Friss recommended this book and I just started reading it but I have already found it relevant.  I know the book is striking a cord with me because it has almost brought me to tears more than once.

I am learning more and more about what a poor job my parents did and how it has created such a host of issues for me that I can't escape no matter what I do..

I used to think my issues all stemmed from my father abandoning me but I am learning that neither of them supported me emotionally probably from the day I was born. 

My mother didn't like kids, especially girls and I don't think she ever really acted happy to have us.  My father had already raised two kids and just wasn't interested.  So most of the basics in the emotional arena were missing.  We had a nice home in a good school district but we didn't feel loved or wanted. 

I plan to start spending more time blogging about the things I am doing to fix my brokenness and less time bitching about men.

But not now because today, we are going to visit my younger brother!

Hero to Zero

Kevin stayed in a hotel for a week and returned home Sunday night.  I haven't told him that I am 99% sure that "we" are over.  I am just letting some time pass and waiting to see how I feel and how he acts. 

There is no reason to rush a decision and I would like to find a job before I really make a stink with the guy who is paying most of the bills.

The week he was gone (and Beanie was at camp) I got a lot accomplished on the house just in case we want to list it soon.  I finished painting my chest/hutch which had been a work in progress sprawled out in the basement since the day we moved.  I painted 3-4 coats all by hand and it was a lot of work.  There are tons of nooks and crannies on that thing.

I also cleared out and sorted a few closets that had become dumping grounds to hide junk.

The sad thing is, my favorite thing about Kevin was that he made me feel safe and loved and cared for.  Now, even though he tells me daily he loves me it sure doesn't feel that way.  I always think to myself "well if you really loved me you wouldn't have been fucking a 23 year old behind my back now would you?"

These are some of the things that run through my mind.  I know some are mean, I don't say them out loud...... but hey he was mean to cheat on me.
1) He is nothing but a broke, fat, middle aged man who doesn't have much going for him except a decent paying job and ironically (moronically) he can't wait to quit that job.
2) How would he feel if his 25 year old daughter's 50 year old boss was carrying on with her like he did with his 23 year old employee?
3) He lays in bed until 8 or 9 am and then bitches that his job is too stressful.  Really?  You are just fucking lazy!
4) He isn't even good in bed.....he seems to have no desire to have sex with me.  Really what is there to love about him?

Ever since he gave me back the money I loaned him he has been trying to get me to pay for more stuff.  Monday night we had a BIG fight about it.  I agreed to some but then he pushed me to pay him back for house payments he already made.  He said he is worried about his financial future because I am probably just going to dump him anyway.  Well here's is the thing; I did him a HUGE favor to loan him that money.  I didn't charge him interest and quite frankly that was money I should have had in a 401K or at least the stock market.  If I had not loaned it to him he would not even know it exists.  It isn't automatically his right to have at my savings just because he now know I have some.  I was trying to do what was best for us and OUR future and now it is coming back to bite me.  Fuck him!

Besides, he should have been smarter with his money in the past.

Lately he seems like a man child to me.  He wants to buy a new truck and a new motorcycle and hasn't been looking for a new job at all.  He just buys new toys and doesn't save for the future.

I told him that asking me to dip into my savings to help pay bills because he cheated on me and I don't trust him is really not the way to make things BETTER around here.  It would be like me expecting him to take money out of his 401K to help me out after I cheated on him.  I don't think he would be agreeable to that.

So he is grumpy and sad or he acts like nothing happened.  Neither impress me.  I think he should be working to makes things better and show me he is sorry.  He did that for maybe a week.  Well a week doesn't cut it.

I hope we can get along and work together to get out of this mess as "whole" as possible.  I think he will want that too.  I don't think he will be a total dick.

I asked him to sign a promissory note saying I get my $ back in full out of the house sale.  He refused.  I also asked him to put his tablet back to the old password so I would feel safe.  he has not.

PS - Lately he leaves for work late, comes home at 5 and hasn't been bitching at all about his job.  Maybe the stress was really related to the fact that his smoopie was gone and he was just missing her?

Employment Woes

I got there on time and the interview went well.  I know I have the necessary skills to do the job.  I passed there test with flying colors.  I enjoyed chatting with people and hopefully came off as confident and agreeable.  However, I am not the best at selling myself and I am sure I said a few things that were maybe too honest or not what they wanted to hear.  Before I left no one asked for my references or my salary requirements.

I didn't want the job anyway.  It is out in middle of no where so there would be no running to the gym or running errands at lunch time.  Also, the lady in charge, that would be my boss and I would be in line to replace when she retires was not a good fit for me.  The company is solid and I am sure the pay they will offer will be a nice salary but I know it is not the job for me.  They would expect me to be married to it.  In fact, I told them I have a 7 year old and need to balance that with my job.  I am sure that is NOT what they are looking for.

I cried all the way home.  Partly because I think I was just relieved to have it over with but also because I know that finding a good job here in this smaller town will not be easy.  Most jobs fall into two categories 1) work your ass off and have your job be your whole life or 2) $12 / hour bookkeeper with no benefits.  Sucks that this is what parents have to choose from.

I also cried because my Hero is dead and I miss him.  I miss being able to call Kevin and feel loved and validated.  I've lost my safe place.

Job

I have spent the last few hours preparing for a job interview I have tomorrow.  The job interview is scheduled to last for 6 hours and quite frankly I dread it.  I think I will do fine...I hope I do fine...but still, when you are expected to "shine" for that long it gets a bit scary.  Evidently there are some skills tests and quizzes involved as well as multiple interviews.  It has been a while since I was on a real interview so I feel VERY out of practice.

Also, there is the whole issue of whether or not I will sleep tonight.  Last night I had a good nights sleep.  It is probably only the 2nd night I slept well since the beginning of July when I accidently had access to JDK's email account.  I have been so stressed and upset that I am not feeling very strong or confident about myself and that is a concern going into tomorrow grueling day long interrogation.

Kevin has been staying at a hotel since I kicked him out Saturday (or was it Sunday?) which has been good for me.  Not being around him, his tablet or his phone have been a much needed break from the drama.  He is planning on coming home this Sunday after visiting his daughter for the weekend.  We can't afford for him to live in a hotel any longer and he has chosen not to stay with family or friends (which would be more affordable) because he doesn't want to explain what is going on.

I on the other hand have told most of my close friends and some of my family.  I always feel they can tell I am being "off" and it is just simpler to fess up to my reality.   I even told JDK things were messed up but didn't give him any of the details.  He kindly offered to keep Beanie more if it will help.  I actually took him up on it and requested he keep her tonight so I can focus on the interview tomorrow morning and not deal with getting her off to day camp.

Yesterday I made it to the gym and enjoyed lifting weights.  I had been lifting pretty regularly in June and had started to see some results and it was upsetting that I was letting that progress slide.  Last night I did a short 23 mile bike ride so that was also a very good thing.  It kept me from sitting on my butt with a glass of wine feeling sad.

This morning I got up and ran for the first time since July 4th.  I was slow and didn't feel good at all but I chose to focus on enjoying the company of some old friends and just moving my body.  I know that exercise is the best thing I can do for myself. 

In other good news I got on the scale and I am down a few pounds.  Being so upset you feel sick will certainly curtail your eating habits.  I have also been trying to eat more protein and less crap since I knew I was not eating as much food.  It is paying off.

Today I took a few quick breaks from my job interview research to read blogs out on my wonderful screened in porch that I love so much.  The weather has been beautiful the last few days and I have made it a point to get out and enjoy it.  It is not often that the high is only 80 degrees in July.

At the same time I sit out there enjoying my house (that I know I will need to leave) I see the stay-at-home moms streaming in and out of the neighborhood pool with their little ones and I am wracked with jealousy.  They are so lucky to have the chance to spend so much time with their kids.  I know that once I start working full time again I won't see much of Beanie and I will see even less of the bigger kids.  I won't get to talk to Friss daily anymore either.  Sucks.  I will be rushed and have more to do than I can possibly get done.  It won't be fun at all.

I was so looking forward to this July and dreaming that me and Beanie would swim and do crafts and have a lot of good times together.  Instead the month has been a disaster and even when she is here I am not at my best.

In an attempt to save a little bit of summer, next week I have a playdate / swim date planned for beanie and some friends on Tuesday.  Then on Wednesday we will go to Kansas City to visit my brother and return the stupid night stand that Kevin wanted so badly when we first moved in.  I drove all the way out there and got it two days before D-day.  I thought he would be thrilled but he could barely look up when I got home.  I think he was on the couch texting the GF.  We never even brought it in from the garage. Anyway, it was about $250 so at least we will save that money.

Visiting my brother is always fun.  He knows all the cool things to do and he will pay.  I missed the family reunion this year because of D-day so that was also a bummer.  I had been looking forward to seeing all the kids in Arkansas and staying in a hotel with Beanie.  She was so excited to stay in a hotel. 

Portland

This morning at my morning run I had the pleasure of running with an old friend who has been living in China for the last three years.  She is back for a visit and to take care of some medical issues for her 4 year old son.  She is an attorney and her ex husband lives in Washington DC.  She filled me in on how she has the boy during the school year and Daddy keeps him for a month in the summer and it works out very well for them.

Now I am more seriously thinking about bringing Beanie with me to Portland!  I mean the only reason I wouldn't want to go is because I wouldn't want to leave her behind.  The only reason I wouldn't take her is I worry about how she will handle such a big move and how I will cope as a single parent with no family nearby.

This morning on NPR they had an article about cycling in Portland and it really got me pumped up.

So my current plan is to get a job here, sell this house and squirrel away money so after the school year is over me and Beanie can make a fresh start in a bigger city with more opportunities and a better climate.

I don't think many people really understand that the small town I live in now is in the middle of the Midwest bible belt and there are not very many good jobs to be had.  It is steaming hot and buggy all summer, I am sick with allergies in the spring and then winter is a stupid ice fest.  I hate the weather here!  On top of that, I would be surprised if you could find one single bachelor who is my age and doesn't have some major issues like drug addiction, alcoholic, narcissist, gigolo, pathetic and helpless or they just flat out are stupid hillbillies with no teeth.

Anyhow, the point is if I stay here my life is limited and isolated and unless something really dramatically changes I will not stay here for more than another year. 

I deserve a better life and it is time to start doing things for ME!

I will be 50 years old in just one month and I can't keep waiting for something good to happen.  I need to MAKE it happen. 

My life is more than half over and I have spent the last 15 years just surviving.  SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE!!

Clarity

Last night I went to bed determined to sleep.  I took my allergy meds and they did the trick for a while.  It was about 1:30 am when I woke up and composed this email to Kevin (who is staying somewhere else but won't tell me where.)

"The more I think about it the more I am starting to understand that on some level (subconscious or not) you did this because you didn't really want things to work out between us.

I think the reality of starting over with a new family was more than you could take.  Maybe if I didn't have Beanie u would have been OK?....I don't know.

I think you really want to be by yourself; want the simple future u had been planning all these years.  I believe you stayed in touch with her because u just had to make sure I left you.......you desperately needed an out.

I think we could have been happy....had a good life together.  I'm sorry u r too scared to even try.

My heart is truly broken. 

Seriously.... leaving someone you love so much sucks more than anything in the world!

I see now though that I wasn't the magic love that took u out of seclusion. I think we both wanted me to be that person but in the long run you can't allow anybody to be that person.

The fact that she's not even really an option makes it even more obvious.

I hope u will be kind to me.  Help me move.  Not steel my money, etc."

He told me yesterday that if I left him he was going to buy a small condo (they are basically two bedroom apartments) and rent a space for his tractor, etc.  He had it all figured out.  He seemed happy enough with his new plan.

I also went in the closet and hugged his clothes again.  I am not mad at him.  I am just sad that he didn't know what he really wanted and it has put us both in this terrible place.

~~~~~

This morning I woke up alone in this house feeling overwhelmed with despair.  It is just too much of a repeat of what happened after Rocco left.  I woke up to an empty house knowing that the person I had thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had decided that they didn't want me anymore.  Back then I cried for months!  Today I have no tears.  I just feel hollow....and sad.

I was a single mom with Friss and a single mom with M&R and I just can't even stomach the thought of going back to that.  Getting a rental and a full time job and spending the next 10 years grinding away on the same hamster wheel that was my life before makes me not want to live.  When M&R were growing up and I was living alone (I did have a few good roommates which probably saved my life) I was almost always on the verge of suicide.  I hated my life so much.  I was so depressed.  Now I am older and quite frankly more depressed to start with.  At least back then I was young and fit.

I don't know what I am going to do.  I am seriously toying with the idea of moving to Portland.  I have always wanted to live there but didn't go before because of M&R.  I knew they needed me because there dad is basically useless. 

I have a friend that lives there now and I know other people that have relocated to the NW and love it.  Maybe it's time for big changes.  When the house sells I will have a tidy sum of money to start a new life.

The ONLY reason I am not jumping up and down excited about this option is Beanie.  I would probably have to leave her with JDK.  I don't think moving her across the country is what she needs right now.  She needs to go to the school she loves (she simply can not wait for school to start up again) and be near G&G and her dad.  He has Roslyn now so she basically has a family that I know will provide for her and take very good care of her. 

She can come visit me in the summer time I suppose............or move up there once I am settled.

I know it seems like a pretty far out plan but honestly I think it is time for some BIG changes.  I just don't think I can stay here.  The thought is just sooooooo depressing.

Don't worry I wont do anything rash.  Just thinking out loud........brainstorming.

The Tablet

His iPad is how I first found the evidence that proved beyond any doubt that he had sex with his 23 year old manager-in-training and that he was constantly texting her lovey dovey crap even though she has since moved all the way to Australia.

One of the first things I did when I found out, as I was crying and wondering about the house in horror, was go in the closet and hug his clothes.  I know that sounds weird but I thought he was leaving me and they would soon be gone.  Been there before and I know how it goes.  I get told they don't love me anymore and they move out as soon as they can find a couch to sleep on.  I come home and the closet is empty.

Then he threw me off with his 100% complete groveling and begging me to forgive him saying he couldn't bare to lose me, etc. etc.  He took all the blame!

I went back and forth on it day to day, hour to hour.  Should I give him another chance?

In his favor:
Other than this incident we have gotten along so well.
I do not want to move again.
Dating at 50 years old sucks!
I don't want to uproot the poor kid.
The OW is not even in the country.  It's not like he can sneak off to have sex with her.
I really don't want to work full time and pay ALL the bills myself.  He is willing to pay 2/3 of the bills.  This allows me more time for my family.
I like his friends and family.
I just moved into this house and I like it.  I have worked so hard on it.  I want to stay.
I mean at times it just seems silly to chuck the whole deal because he was foolish and got carried away with a young gal that we all know in the long run would NEVER work out.  He even knows that.

Against him:
You gotta wonder about his thought process.  I mean, how stupid was this crap?!
Will I ever really trust him again?
He keeps bitching and moaning that he hates his job yet has barely made an effort to get a new one.
He spends way too much time complaining that he is old, tired, broke down, sore, on and on.  It wears me out.  His testosterone test came back fine so THAT is not the issue.  Now I worry that he is just lazy and depressive.
Sex.......  Well he did get the pills so now we can now have sex but still sex seems all messed up now.  I can't forget that he got it up for HER!
He won't go get his shoulder fixed.  Simple surgery and it would be fine.  He says he is scared.
On some level this guy seems like a big baby these days!

Anyhow....I hadn't firmly decided anything but I was actually leaning towards giving him a chance and giving it all some time to "mellow" and then seeing how I felt.  I mean the simple solution is to basically pretend it didn't happen and get on with plan A; cautiously of course.

But, there was one problem that I couldn't get over.  The tablet.  On D-Day he took it with him when he went back to work.  For the next few days he didn't bring it in the house.  He left it in his truck.  Finally one day last week he went off to work and left it in the usual spot on his night stand.  I assumed he had finally cleared all the trace of the OW from his tablet and that is why it was back to it's old location.

Then I noticed he was using a new passcode to get into it.  Out of the corner of my eye one night I saw him enter the code.   I only caught the first 3 digits but assumed I could get the last one if I tried.  The next morning after he left I tried the code with different last digits with no luck.  So I just decided to watch him some more and get the whole thing next time. 

Yes....I wanted to see for myself that she was not still in contact with him.

The next night he put in a totally different code.  The next day it didn't work either.  The third day he put in another code.  This time I saw him enter it right before he was about to leave; finally my chance.  Then, just as he was about to leave he grabbed the tablet and headed to the couch.  He put it back but of course he had changed it again.  So I was now certain he was changing it each day right before he left for work.

I was PISSED!!  I mean really if he has nothing to hide why change it....right?  I called Julia and she agreed and she advised me to ask for the code outright; that he owed me that transparency under the circumstances.  So I did.

He balked for a moment but then gave it up pretty quick.  Once in the table I saw he was signed out of the message app and his Gmail.  There was no way for me to see his messages.  I was even more pissed.  I told him that it was stupid that I was trying to gather more evidence against him since he had already proven that he didn't honesty love and respect me.  I told him I was done and that he needed to move out!

I did find the girls contact information and kept a copy just in case.  I also found a photo of her in with his pictures.  It was from yesterday!  It looked like a screen shot from them chatting on facetime.  She was laying in bed on a pillow.  I knew they were still in touch and this proved it.  He was still lying to me and I was finally angry enough to take a stand and call it over.

I wanted to walk in the closet and put ALL of his clothes in big black garbage bags and pitch them out in the garage where his stupid fucking red work truck used to park.  You know, the truck he had sex with her in.

He sucks!

Money

When we purchased the Blue House Kevin had not yet sold his old house so I loaned him his half of the down payment. 

Last Friday he closed on his old house and was handed a check for the proceeds.  That money is technically ALL mine.

Yesterday he was too busy at his job so we didn't get a chance to deposit the check.

Today however, he went with me to my bank who told us we could not put it in my account so then we went to his bank where they told him he could deposit the check into his account and get a cashiers check made out to me which we then took back to my bank and tucked safely into my savings account. 

This process was time consuming because brick-n-mortar banks completely suck these days.  They don't open until 9 a.m. and there is only one teller working with 8 people waiting in line.  The teller is always new and knows nothing so if you have anything but the most basic transaction they have to track down the manager who is off somewhere else doing something important.  We went to a total of 3 different bank locations, 4 visits total and talked to at least 2 different employees at each stop, except the last.  It was quite ridiculous.

Anyway, one hurdle down!

I am glad he is a decent person and paid me back.  He certainly could have been a dick and stole my life's savings.

I still have money in the house though.  And I started pricing rentals and they will cost about the same as the house payment.  I am wondering if I should just keep the house; for Beanie, so we don't have to move again.  It is a great house and a great area. Should appreciate if I stay here for at least 5 years.

Then again, Kevin has agreed to take the loss on the sale of the house.  And of course that makes me happy.  If I keep the house, I will have to use my money that we just put in the bank to pay him out his half of the down payment.  So then ALL my money would be in the house.  Which is not a good thing.  Especially since I don't yet have a full time job nor am not sure if I even want to stay in this town.

Also it would make sense to get his name off all the paperwork which would cost money too.

This all sucks.

Really if JDK marries his GF I will be too pissed to even live in the same town with them. 
I hate feeling like JDK wins.  It is so unfair given the way he treats people. Bad guys do win.

"I'll Never Speak to Her Again"

This morning, out of the blue, I just asked him to show me his text messages on his phone to verify that he is not talking to her anymore as promised.

Are you surprised that he wouldn't let me?

I'm not either.

I plan to get a job, sell the house and start all over.

It's just so sad.

Two Sucky Choices

Saturday morning at like 3 am Kevin and I laid in bed talking.  We cuddled and talked about all kinds of things.  It was like the OLD Kevin was back.  It felt so good to see him!

 He has been doing nothing but taking total blame and begging me give him another chance.  He has said "I didn't mean to hurt you." so many times it is actually starting to make me mad.

He says he loves me and will never talk to her again.

I think on some level if it was a one nighter or if there were SOME logic behind it I could almost look past it.  But the truth is he risked EVERYTHING, his job, his home and his family (me and Beanie) so he could have a quick tryst with his 23 year old assistant who was leaving the country anyway.  I mean seriously...WHY?

And then, after she moves he is all "smoopy woopy I wuv you" day and night via text.  GAG!  That shit makes me madder than the sex does!

Saturday I met up with an old friend that knows me as well as anyone.  She and I talked.  She encouraged me to give him another chance.  Her logic:  a) wont have to sell the house and move AGAIN  b) wont have to uproot Beanie AGAIN.  c) dating at 50 sucks especially since I still have a small child.  I just don't want to be single for the rest of my damn life.

She had me convinced.  I was starting to think that I would be crazy to upheave everyone's life at this point.  I mean it is not like this girl is anywhere near here so he can't sneak out to be with her.  So on some level I am grateful that she is half way around the world!  I will just worn him that he will NEVER get another chance.  This is it buddy...don't fuck up again.

Then, last night, well actually 3 am today.  We are there in the dark talking again and he starts talking about how his job is the issue and he hates it so much and he needs to quit.  I reminded him that new jobs would suck too and I didn't think his job was so awful.  Yes he works late, until 6 pm, but he never works weekends and he goes into the office at 8 or later frequently.  Seriously I don't see that it is so bad.  I have worked worse...much worse, because I wasn't in a financial position to quit. Not to mention that if he isn't flirting ALL DAMN DAY LONG with his distance girlfriend I bet he could get more done. 

I'm just going to call it like I see it.....he is being a total pussy about his job.  Boo-hoo, he has to actually WORK all day!!

But here is the gem of the night; he asked me if he could take 2 months off once I find a job.  He wants to quit and have a little rest and relaxation before he gets another job.  I told him that I didn't think that was sound thinking and he once again told me I was unsupportive of him being happy and that I was just being money hungry.

All I could think was "wow dude...you just punched your ticket out of here!"

I don't have a job right now BUT I was let go, I didn't quit.  Then because I knew we were moving and I would be busy as hell I didn't jump out there and look for another job.  Then I realized school would be out soon so why not take the summer off to be with my kid.  Not to mention I had $200,000 in the bank this all started.   I don't just lounge around all day.  I am busy watching my daughter all day long and still putting the finishing touches on the house. 

Lets say I get a job by end of August (I applied for 3 jobs on Friday).  By then the house will be done, the kid will be back in school and there will basically nothing to do here.

I asked him what he would do while he was off work and he said ride his motorcycle, travel and get to know himself better.  Basically have fun and be free!

Fuck that!!

The Deets (Details) of D-Day

Thursday morning on July 9th I was sitting in bed watching TV with my 7 year old daughter.  She reached over and plucked my boyfriends tablet off his night stand and asked if she could talk to Suri.  My first reaction was to say...."NO - Not yours - Don't touch!" then I softened and thought to myself he doesn't care if the kids touch it...he's let them play with it before so I punched in the pass code and started to hand it to her....when....I saw a message pup up from Melissa.

Melissa is a girl that Kevin's employer (which had recently purchased his old company) hired as a M.I.T. (Manager in Training). A recent college graduate she relocated here from Chicago to "shadow" Kevin in his job so she could, after a period of time, become a manager of another branch of the company.  He was chosen to mentor her because he is good at his job.  She was fresh out of college, ambitious, young and cute in a quirky way. 

I don't recall exactly when she started working with him but I know it was sometime last winter, maybe January or December?  I first met her back in April when she came to our house to deliver a flower arrangement that she had made in a class she was taking.  Seems young girls in strange towns need hobbies and flower arranging was her choice.  She showed up and we marveled at her arrangement and then she hung out for a while watching TV and socializing.  She seemed nice.  He said, being new in town, she was lonely.  I didn't mind at first.

Then she stopped by the following Wednesday with more flowers and stayed longer.  Then more often and before you know it I felt she was here too much and I was a third wheel.  I sensed it was wrong / off.  But I chose to spackle.

Meanwhile she had decided to move to Australia and was just biding her time until she quit.  I probably would have made a stink about her spending so much time with Kevin but I knew she would be resigning and leaving the country so who cares....right?

I even teased him that she was his girlfriend and he responded with "oh please she is younger than my daughter!"

Well the last time she was here there was a certain tension in the air that was making me angry so I went to bed thinking...this sucks, but she is leaving the country so it will all end after this.

She quit and moved away (I think that was in May) and I kind of forgot about her until that text message came up that fait filled morning and my suspicions were once again raised.

I got on his IPad and realized that his text messages where on there.  (I have an Android so they only show up on my phone not my tablet.) I found the messages she had sent him and quickly scanned them.  They had been texting each other constantly since she left town and probably before but I didn't scroll back that far.  I finally found where he was professing his love for her and I was done.  That was it.  He told her he loved her.  My mind jumped off a cliff.  THIS was the moment that I knew my life was forever changing; that the road I was on had suddenly fallen into a ravine.

I put the IPad back down and left the room.  I tried to breathe and stay calm because my daughter was watching.  I was overwhelmed as a flood of thoughts hit me all at once.

OMG - we have to sell the house.
OMG - it is over
OMG - I am a fool.
OMG - life is so cruel
OMG - how could he do this...WHY? WHY? WHY?

I was tempted to phone him and just let loose but I knew it was a better idea to calm down and think of a plan.

Friss called and I snuck outside to talk freely where my daughter couldn't hear me.  I let the flood gate open and sobbed uncontrollably.  My hands went numb because I was hyperventilating.

After I got off the phone with Friss I knew that I would have to confront Kevin and I wasn't capable of pretending I didn't know.  I made arrangements for Beanie to go stay with her friend.

I also went back to the IPad.  At first I assumed that reading more would just be painful and I wasn't going to subject myself to it...but then I realized that if they had plans that might effect me I should figure that out.  I went back and read more.  My stomach turned.  They were Face Timing each other regularly (this is why he was so very late getting home from work.) and they had definitely had sex. He was messaging her "I Love You" all the fucking time.  Love bombing her like he did to me when we first started dating. There was no denying the seriousness of his transgression.  It was an ongoing, concerted effort.

Kevin was scheduled to come home and pick up his motorcycle to have it serviced.  He phoned me around 10:30 or 11 a.m. and requested that I come pick him up from work.  I told him I couldn't because I could not drive.  I have learned the hard way not to drive when I am this upset.  That is how auto accidents happen.

He asked me why I couldn't drive and I said "I know about Melissa".....he was calm and acted like I didn't have a clue "what? ... don't be silly!"  I reiterated that I KNEW about Mellissa.  His tone changed to mad and he said he was on his way home. 

I sat on the couch waiting; my heart beating so hard that it hurt.  I didn't know what he would do when he got here.  I just knew that this was it.....we were going to confront the situation.

He walked in and sat in front of me on the ottoman and started apologizing and begging me for forgiveness.  He said he loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

An hour of talking/crying in summary:
he did it and he has no good answer as to why except he is stupid and makes bad choices.
He didn't have a plan......he just thought it would piddle out and I would never know.
He never meant to hurt me!
It's not my fault!  (Meaning I did nothing wrong.) Thank you for recognizing that asshat!
He knows they have no future because hey she is only 23 and would want kids.  UGH
He begged me not to leave him but told me he would totally understand if I did.
He offered to leave and not come back unless I wanted him to.
He said he would do anything...ANYTHING to make it up to me.

He finally had to leave to meet a client.  I was relieved that he left.

I guess the Karma bus has hit me so I deserved this.  I no doubt need to be single for a while (if not for forever).  This sucks and hurts and it breaks my heart that my Hero is now a fucked up middle aged piece of shit loser.

And poor Beanie will lose her dream purple bedroom.  That poor kid.  She doesn't deserve this either.

I want my money and I want out.  Now if I can just contain my growing anger as my shock fades and I grasping the total reality of how much this fucks up everyone's life!

The day after D-Day

I will fill everyone in on the details later but first I need to write down how I am feeling today.

He wants me to forgive him..... he doesn't want to lose me.  I guess this is a good thing.  It buys me time to think, plan.  It puts me in the drivers seat.  He owes me money so maybe that means he will pay me.   I think we will sell the blue house.  I want to push the loss off on him since all this shit is his fault.

***I just HAD to point out to the man that I read an infidelity blog DAILY!!  (which he knows) He isn't blind siding someone who is not studied up on the subject.  He is SOOOO fucking stupid.***

I have been working my ass off to make this house a home.  I have been building a family with him for my daughter and myself.  He has ruined it all. 

Love is a precious and irreplaceable thing and he just threw it away!  I don't care about money or houses...that can be replaced....but love....not so simple.

He was my hero.  The nice guy.  My rock.  Now he is a week fucking idiot who will throw his life down the drain to fuck his 23 year old employee who is leaving the country.  CAN YOU GET MUCH MORE STUPID?

This morning I got up and sat on the couch for a while leaving him alone in the bedroom; like I always do.   I was sitting there reading when my mind clicked and I thought to myself "I bet he is in there texting her right now".  I told myself that I don't care and it doesn't mater.  The deed is done and I don't really care what the fuck he does now.  BUT I had to check....I walked as quality as I could back to the bedroom where I imagined he would be texting away like he is on most mornings.  (I had previously assumed it was work related messaging.)  He was asleep. 

I DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIAGE POLICE!!!!!

TRUST IS SO IMPORTANT!

But the most astonishing thing that has changed.....is my mood.  I have noticed that I feel a sudden sense of calm!  I am not as anxious and upset as I have been the past few weeks. I know this sounds crazy.  I mean my first reaction to reading about him with her was to completely freak out...but then when it all sunk in...... I actually felt better.

Let me explain.....
For the past few months, this man who was my best friend and was so very close to me had started to disappear.  I was feeling him disconnecting.  I didn't know why it was happening.  I hoped it was just stress from work or his low testosterone issue.  I had hoped it would pass and things would recover.  BUT deep down I feared it was me.  That he was turning into JDK because living with me is such an unbearable shitty experience.   AND at the same time JDK has been telling me how living with me was so stifling and unpleasant.  Hell they were coming at me from both sides.  No wonder I was depressed.  Today I do NOT feel depressed!!!!

I have looked at Kevin more than once in the last few weeks and thought "where is that man that I love....why is he gone?"  I have also thought "well fuck if he is going to act like JDK then why the hell did I blow up my marriage?  I traded in my marriage for the same crap?  That sucks...at least when I was with JDK I was putting up with crappy treatment from my daughters father."

My friends are all being supportive and I will get this crap all worked out.  I am strong enough to make it out of this.  I know the house and the money are not as important as my dignity.

Yet....I am still so deeply saddened by the fact that the man that I thought was the love of my life...the last relationship I would ever have is no more.  POOF...he is gone and I am all alone in this world AGAIN.

Putting on my big girl pants and starting all over again....at 50 years old.  Fuck this sucks!

My World Has Exploded!!!!!!!!

I was just watching TV in bed with Beanie and she wanted to play with Kevin's Ipad.  I told her no but then I figured it wasn't really a big deal.  I know his code and I know that he doesn't care if the kids mess with it.

While she was next to me a text message came up.  It was from Melissa, Kevin's old assistant that moved (or I thought she did) to Australia.

I snooped.....
I read his texts to her.........
he loves her and I don't mean like a sister.

What the hell am I going to do now?

Email from JDK

Just got this little number.

The other day I asked him what made him unhappy about our marriage.  Was I that terrible of a spouse?  I think partly just to gain insight that could be helpful in my current situation. 

His response:

"I never said you were such a terrible spouse. I think we have had a difficult time….understanding and trusting one another.  We talked a little about trust…..how about understanding.   

I think we have very different needs and you often assume that what I need is what you need….and vise versa. For example I think you need a lot more communication and attention than I do.  I can evidence this by our difference in the minutes we use on our phones.  You need to share your experiences……I do not.  I always assumed that my experiences were boring to you.  I think I am a listener and you are a talker.  Maybe that is a good thing right?   

I think I experience and show love differently than you and my expression of love isn’t exactly what you need.  I think that maybe you need more romance and attention than I can effectively give.  I have my fathers genes, I know he loves me with all his heart, but he and I will go to our graves not hugging.  We don’t need to….. cause we know.  Maybe if you “knew” you wouldn’t need as much of my attention….you would feel more secure.  We never got to that place where you “knew”...we certainly didn’t start from there.

I think I tried to make romantinc/attention gestures but they never seemed to register with you.  For example I bought you flowers almost every week.  I kept doing it even though it never seemed to mean anything to you.  I know it was an clumsy attempt and I guess I felt like I was always awkwardly  failing at finding a way to give you the romance and attention that you wanted…….especially when there was a wall going up between us.  In short I worry that I don’t speak a love language that you hear. 

The one thing that really hurt me the most in our relationship was that I felt like you were always telling me how unhappy and disappointed I made you feel.  I know you were just trying to communicate your feelings so we could improve… but it hurt a lot.  I was really trying and all I got in response was “you are failing me”. Instead of making an environment where we could work on problems it made me feel hopelessly ineffective. "

 

 

I may regret keeping these emails but for now I plan to put them on my blog so I can reference them later if it is necessary.

Rainy Wednesday

I'm struggling to keep my mood in check.  I am depressed.

so i will make a list.

1) Ramone thinks she is going to get evicted and I am at a loss as to how to handle it.  I do not want her to come live with me nor do I want to bail her our financially.
2) stepping back and taking a harder look at what JDK is doing has led me to the simple conclusion that he is merely saying things to me that he thinks I want to hear in order to keep me a good chump.  He smoozes people so they will give him what he wants.  He knows it is in his best interest to have me not working against him.
3) Kevin is so distant.  It sucks.  I miss him.  I plan to address this once he closes on the sale of his old house which I know has been very stressful for him.
4) I am disappointed in myself for not doing a better job of being positive and taking good care of myself.  I have NOT been eating, drinking or sleeping like I should.  I am still exercising, but not at the level I know would be good for me.
5) I should probably get a job and I really just don't feel up to it.  I don't think I can add that stressor to the mix.
6) I have projects all over the place that I am struggling to feel "up" enough to work on them.  All I want to do is sit in the dark alone, drink wine, and read.
7) Beanie is off school right now and I am doing my best to entertain her and enjoy our time together.  So far it has gone fairly well.  Yesterday we went to LEGOLAND which was fun, but after two hours there I started to feel panicky like I had to leave or I would blow up.  I wish I was more relaxed and easy going!
8) I am tired of being hot at night and kicking the covers off all the time.  Menopause sucks.
9) All interactions with people are hard right now.  I just don't want to have to talk to anyone.  Blah.

It is 10:15 and I will now force myself to go get dressed and run a few necessary errands on the way to the gym.  After that I plan to come home and drink wine and mope.

Event Filled Weekend

Friday we loaded our running gear into the back of a friends car and rode the motorcycle (fun) a few hours north of here to participate in a 5k/10k running race.  It is a tradition with Kevin and his friends.....they do it every year.  This year, one friend was injured and Kevin and I are both out of shape (old, stressed and pathetically slow), so the race was not really all that wonderful.  Worst of all my timing chip didn't' work.  I felt oddly invisible.

BUT - it was nice to have some time with him....to get away!!

We haven't been connecting at all lately and it really makes me sad.

Good news though: He did go to the doctor last week and get blood work done.  I am hoping they diagnose him with low testosterone levels and that we get him some treatment so we can get back to normal soon.  Not to mention the fact that I am way too young and way too horny to go the rest of my life without sex.

Actually.....it's not sex that is the issue.  I can live without sex.  I can't live without physical intimacy and currently he has NO libido.  We don't cuddle or kiss or anything.  It is like he is my brother.  Sucks.

~~~~~

In other news.............. JDK wanted me to set Beanie up an email account on her tablet that he gave her for my house.  His old tablet.  In the process of getting that to work I suddenly had access to all his personal emails!  ALL of them and he never deletes a damn thing.  Yes.....personal shit between him and Roslyn...right there for me to read.  I didn't read much.  I did scan it some.  I tried to inactivate the account but couldn't figure out how.  He is supposed to "fix" it tonight.  I didn't tell him how it was broken but i am sure he will be upset when he finds out.  I feel like i have a ticking time bomb in my home!

Knowing it is there....for anyone to see.... make me ill.  I had to summon all my power to just behave like a normal person.  Last night I went to bed and felt I had detached sufficiently to sleep.  But i found it hard to fall asleep and when I finally did I had a terrible nightmare that I was trapped in a building with a bunch of people that wanted to torture and kill me.  I had vivid dreams of them trying to cut off my finger tips and pull of my finger nails.  I knew they would kill me slowly and painfully but then i finally woke up.  My heart was racing.  Needless to say i didn't fall back asleep for a while.  It was 3 am when i finally managed to doze off.  I woke up again at 4:30 am.  So today i am operating on 1.5 hours of sleep not counting the fitful nightmare.

Here is my problem...what makes me crazy:
a) why does JDK fuck with me?  Why not just get on with his happy life with the new and wonderful women that thinks he hung the moon?  They are so fucking happy and in love why fuck with ME?
b) Living with Kevin is not good now.  He is grumpy and distant and i am lonely and sad. I MISS HIM SO FUCKING MUCH!
c) I feel like everything is spinning out of control and I am just completely overwhelmed.  I am struggling to do regular day to day things.  Sleeping for 1.5 hours only makes it that much worse.
d) I don't even have a job so it is not like I can leave.  I don't want to leave.  I just want me and Kevin to get back on track.

My two overwhelming thoughts about JDK in the last 24 hours:
1) All the times when I asked him how he could be so good to her and not me he always responded with "I will do it for you if you just come home".  He said that because it deflected the issue off him and back on to me and i don't believe he meant it for one second.
2)  I need to make a list of all the shitty things he did to me and read it every day to reinforce that he sucks and if he was in any way shape or form a decent human being he would not have done those things to me.  He used me, abused me and stole from me, etc.  Why can't i just accept that he is a worthless piece of shit and get over it all. WHY????  Why do i care at all?  What is wrong with me and how can i change it?

Good News

I only have a moment to post a quick update.

But I have great news.  I finally "woke up" and realize that this last week was just a bunch of stupid nonsense.  The man has issues.  I don't want him back.  I was out of my mind for thinking so.

Anyway.....feeling good today and headed to the gym now.

I am happy for the life I have NOW and I vow to never look back again.