Clarity

Yesterday I woke up at 5 am and tried to get a bunch of things done. I became very frustrated when everything I tried to do didn't work out. I talked to Kevin on the phone and he soothed me and was very kind and supportive.

Then, while I was delivering the Bean to school, he stopped by and fixed her clock for me. I didn't ask him to do this, he just did it on his way to work because he knew it was one of the things that I was stressing over.

Next, when my first attempt to get Ramone's new car inspected failed, he fixed me up with a friend and got me in right away. Car was passed but I was advised it needed new tires and wiper blades. I am sure the other auto shop would have failed it and tried to sell me on the fixes.

After the inspection I told him I needed to buy tires so he made some phone calls and hooked me up with a super deal. After work he also took me to Walmart to purchase wiper blades.

I thanked him a lot and declared him my hero once again. He told me he was just being a good person, doing the right thing and it was not a big deal. He said I would do the same for him.  (I would.)

It feels so nice to have someone take care of me and help me in life.  I really have spent my whole life helping others and this is such a refreshing change.

Later I e-mailed my attorney and asked for the next available court date.

I really do count my blessings every day and feel grateful to have such a wonderful, kind caring man in my life. There has always been a shortage of such men for me.

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This morning I was talking with Friss and he was asking my WHY I finally found it in myself to leave my husband after years of being neglected, disrespected and taken for granted.

I thought for a moment and told him the first three things I could think of:
1) after Pop died I finally realized that I wasn't just raised with some lingering issues I was raised in an abusive situation that has left me with many mental scars. I am more aware than I used to be of the lifelong issues of self esteem that I need to address.  I guess I am understanding myself more than I used to.
2) Talking to Kevin on a regular bases helped me to realize that my thought processes where often off base.....that I was too accepting of mistreatment and too quick to doubt my gut instincts.  In a way he has been my therapist and is around all day every day to assist when I might need advise.   I am sure a "real" once a week therapist could not be as effective if for no other reason, time constraints.
3) Reading Chumplady every day really has helped me to find my MIGHTY and feel better about being strong instead of being a chump. I know that sounds odd but her delivery method of self esteem/ self help works for me. It is like group therapy that I can participate it at any moment I need it. I find myself going to her blog after I talk to my STBX just so I can regroup and feel "level" again.

In the final analysis I know I haven't always proceeded in the most eloquent fashion in the past year, but I have managed to make some much needed changes for the better in my life.

I finally feel like I am headed in the right direction after almost 14 years of searching for some answers to why my life exploded and I could not find the ground again.  I think I am finally starting to figure out some of the answers.


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this blog entry from the new home computer.  It has been a pain in my ass but the keyboard ROCKS!

Marriage Counselors

Over at chumplady.com the discussion today is about therapist. Oh boy do I have a lot to say on this subject. But first, I had to cut and paste this comment because it made me laugh and it is so true. This woman was telling about her wonderful therapist.  (I read Chump Lady all day long!!  the comments were engrossing.)

“She helped me see how strong I am. I’m a smart woman and I didn’t need to take his shit anymore. She was WONDERFUL! I don’t need a therapist anymore. My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize! He was just a piece of stinking shit!”

This part >>> “My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize!” <<< this is the line that really grabs me….although I don’t think my husband is THAT bad, the fact remains, why did I hang on for so long when it was hurting me so much?

Last year I got into therapy. It was my new year’s resolution. I went to see a great marriage counselor who I would totally recommend to any couple that is having some issues and needs some help getting back on track. (On a side note he is just a great person….I really like George.) But, for me, and the situation I was in, it was not a good fit. You see, George is of the mind set that you have to save the marriage at all costs! He would take every single little piece of positive information and hold it up and say “well things are getting better!” as a way to encourage me to keep trying to make my marriage work. I told him all about how my husband cheated on me when we were dating, how he was reluctant to commit for years, how he always acted secretive and was not always honest with me. I told him enough that he should have really questioned my husband’s motives. I told him enough about how our marriage hurt me that he should have at least entertained the idea that it was not working for me and maybe it couldn’t be saved. But, even to the very end, when I told him we were getting a divorce and my husband had admitted to not being in love with me, George still thought divorce was the WRONG option. WTH!?!

The truth is that when you live in a situation where you constantly get mixed messages and your opinion/feelings are not valued, you do get a little crazy. Husband said he loved me but he didn’t. Husband married but he didn’t want to be married to me. Husband would agree that we should talk more (because he knew that is what I wanted) but then go to great lengths to be sure it didn’t happen or if it did he would be sure it wasn't pleasant so I wouldn’t want to do it again anytime soon. Husband agreed we should do more together as a couple (again because I pushed for it) yet all my attempts at planning and executing such things were met with great resistance or even a last minute change of plans so it didn’t happen.

But…back to the discussion on therapist…back in April 2011 Husband I went to a marriage counselor together. (READ OLD POST HERE) I remember breaking down in tears of joy that he was willing to go. To me that meant something, to me that meant he cared enough to put forth some effort to make things better. I had high hopes that it would make a difference and maybe for once he would hear me and things would change. Instead he came in there week after week and sat there and told the therapist what he thought she wanted to hear and acted like he hadn’t a clue that I was unhappy and was eager to be a good husband. Then he would leave and sulk all week because I said I didn’t like something and he was so hurt by that comment. Really he was just manipulating the situation so it would turn into the “don’t hurt Husband’s feeling show” instead of the let’s get serious about fixing issues. He really didn’t want to fix things he just wanted to get me off his back. His goal all through our marriage was do as he pleases as much as possible (pretend he is single) and that involved keeping me happy on some level so I would leave him alone.

I know he has some regrets now because as he says “he is sorry to be losing his family” but truth of the matter is I deserve a husband that loves me and treats me with respect and I do not feel guilty at all for ending this 7+ year fiasco that both of us created out of our own insecurities and misguided desires.  Husband, by his own admission, never wanted me, I just made it too easy for him.

As I look back over my marriage the thing I regret the most is even getting married. I wish I had been smart enough and self-confident enough to walk away when every step was a struggle. I really thought, back then, that if we got “over the hump” we would make a go of it. I really thought that if two decent people care for each other they can make a marriage work and make it good. I really didn’t realize the extent of his reluctance to be there because he didn’t come out and profess it. Instead it just seeped in around the edges all the time and ate away at my gut so I never felt “right”. It is too bat that my parents trained to me to put up with a lot of bullshit like that and not have higher expectations in life.
                         

Moving Delayed and Reflecting on My Life

My move has been pushed back to Monday the 17th. To say I can’t wait is an understatement. Even Husband said he is looking forward to it so we get out of this “limbo” we are currently in.

This last week Husband has been fairly agreeable and happy. He says he finally realized that fussing and fuming wasn’t changing anything, in fact it was just making everyone needlessly tense and upset. I am happy that he is smart enough to realize that. It is actually smart of him because if he was to save our marriage (something he still brings up regularly) being nice, not mean, would be the best plan.

KP is out of town this week on a business trip. I sure do miss him. I have volunteered to take Beanie every single day after school, and that, no doubt, is helping to keep the Husband’s mood elevated.

Lately, I do a lot of reflecting on my relationships over the past few years. I keep noticing all these little things that KP does that show me he respects and values me and then I think of all the times I let Husband or Uwe (and others before them) treat me like crap and not show me the proper respect.

Uwe’s birthday was the other day so I messaged him birthday wishes along with mentioning that I am sorry we are no longer friends. He replied back with something snide and ugly. Rather than feeling hurt or offended (the old me) I just thought to myself “man he is not the type of person I want to be friends with…I can do so much better!”

One of my focuses going forward is to always be aware of the level of respect I am “demanding” from those around me. I know that I have put up with crappy treatment way to much in my life and I need to end that cycle. I need to weed out the people that take from me and don’t give anything back. I need to set the bar higher for entrance into my heart.

I have also noticed how having a person treat me with respect and kindness makes the whole world seem like a nicer place. Every single day, everything I do just seems better. I have more energy and
more optimism than I have had in over 14 years!

I had a therapist many years ago that told me all I needed to do to feel better was to find a healthy relationship and I would be fine. I thought he was oversimplifying things. But, in a way he was right.

I also had a therapist many years ago who told me I need to be happy (or at least optimistic) even when life is not perfect or throws me a curve ball. Basically her theory was that your goal should be to make the best of what you have rather than chasing a dream. I know she has a valid point (in a way) but at the same time, you have to know when a situation is bad for you and GET OUT OF IT if at all possible.

I think over the past 14 years I have made two big mistakes in my thinking:

1) That changing my attitude was more important than changing my situation. In other words, many will tell you that “you are only as happy as you want to be. So be happy and the rest will fall into place.” FALSE – people around you can bring you down. Bad relationships are destructive. You can’t fix many problems by changing your “mind” about them. Sometimes you need to just realize that, living with a slob or a negative introvert is NOT healthy to your well-being and get the hell away from them.

2) That there will be a miracle cure or a pivotal moment that will change things dramatically. I know I have heard people exclaim how finding God changed their lives or life is such a gift now that they are sober or even the ones who say “see a good therapist to fix X or Y”. But here’s the thing….I have tried EVERYTHING thinking that each might be the magic key that was going to make things change. I have searched and searched for the “answer” to my problems. In the end I have decided that having been raised in an abusive situation and suffering from ADHD are things that affect me EVERY single day of my life and I will always have to be aware of them and work to keep their impact on me under control. I will never wake up one day and be cured. The best I can hope for is the energy and foresight to make the best of who I am and to except that I may not be who I want to be and that is OK.

Lastly I have to say that setting out to find friends who know the real me and accept me for who I am is key to all this. I think in the past I always felt it was important to be perfect or hide my dark secrets so people would like me. NOW I am trying to have the attitude that…. hey I am flawed (we all are actually) and if you don’t like my flaws then you can stay the fuck away from me! In other words take me for who I am, the good the bad and the ugly or don’t take me at all AND I really don't care if you choose not to take me because there will be others who will.

I admit KP has done many things to make me realize all of the above. He seems too actually like things about me that many people have told me they dislike. It is so damn refreshing to have this acceptance and it makes me aware that other people could accept me too; that I am not such a pathetic, old, mentally ill person that I have no value.

I guess KP got my self esteem ball rolling and now I am running with it.  I am working hard to get my attitude set in the right direction and then KEEP IT THERE.  I am not going to let petty, selfish people drag me down and trigger me into a depression anymore. 

Reading Chump Lady has helped too! seriously she has helped wake me up to how I thought I was being nice but I was just being a doormat.  When I feel weak I read some more and gather a little personal strength from her.

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I probably won’t be able to post much for the next few weeks; work is busy, moving and taxes need to be done, not to mention I am swamped with multisport club accounting that I have NO TIME FOR. I am just hoping I can actually get it all done with a reasonable degree of accuracy!!  Wish me luck.

Broken?

One of my blog friends recently posted This POST.

As I read it I thought "wow I could have written this almost word for word!"  and I also thought "I guess I am not the only one"  and then I thought "too bad that there seems no way to fix this".

I have felt this way very often (mostly) over the last 12 years.  I have never had any luck changing it.  I have tried just about everything known to mankind.  I don't have any answers.

Maybe some of us are just broken and that is who we are and we have to just live like that???

I am trying to just be more accepting (of everything and everyone) and make the best of it.  I am tired of trying to get better or change, or recover or be normal.  I will just be me and if anyone feels they can stand me then they are cool in my book.

I AM SICK

Went to a new therapist yesterday because George is hyper focused on my marriage and I think I just want a therapist to help with my child abuse issues. This new therapist totally reminded me of Uwe’s girlfriend…..so she was doomed from the get go.

BUT I sat there for 55 minutes and tried to inform her of the issues I am battling. I did a quick recap of my life and a list of my concerns. She listened but did not really seem that interested in helping. I left her office and cried all the way home.

My life is really pathetic! Listening to myself I kept thinking how ridiculous it all is. I mean really I have 4 children with three different men ranging in age 31 to 6. I am in a loveless marriage and admittedly got married for all the wrong reasons. I am almost 50 years old and I am so ridiculously dysfunctional.

I don’t know who I am. I am emotionally detached from myself yet always on the verge of a total emotional breakdown.

She asked me if I have a support system or a good friend to lean on. I told her not really. I mean I have KP and that is about it but that is all still relatively new. Again how sad and depressing is it that at this point in my life I am so damn alone?

I had to pay for parking!

Husband was sick and now I am sick. I feel like crap and it makes everything seem worse.

EVERYTHING

My head is stuffy and I feel drained of all energy.  I am achy and coughing up my lungs.  I just want to be in bed but instead I am here at work because someone has to be and I told my assistant she could have Friday off.

KP is out of town for the weekend. I miss him already. He is my rock…the only thing that keeps me going.  Well him and the kids.  Seriously if it weren't for the kids I would just check out of this shitty life and be done with it.

Thursday

Thursdays are usually my good days. The one day a week I tend to feel mentally “normal” all day.

I always start the day with a run. I am sure this contributes.

I usually go see George at noon. Today we had a really good session and he even let me stay an extra 1/2 hour because he had a cancellation.  We didn't talk about Husband much. We did talk about me and my issues and we even talked about KP and how he seems to get me.

Tonight is my "free" night and I will go over to KPs house and sit on his couch with him and look out the window at the church across the street. We will sit there and talk until 9 pm and then I will reluctantly leave to go home. It is relaxing there and I enjoy it.

Even though the weather has been drizzly and dark today I have been feeling pretty UP. Often when the weather is gloomy so is my mood.

Sometimes it is hard to go see George when I feel fine. Then again, yesterday morning I was not fine. I was headed down the rabbit hole.

Yesterday morning I woke up in the basement. I had retreated there at some point in the middle of the night when the dog scratching and the husband snoring drove me there. I came upstairs at 5:30 AM expecting to see my Husband sitting on the bed watching the news while sipping his coffee. Instead I found my 6 year old sitting on the bed watching cartoons. I asked her where her daddy was and she told me had already left!

I was upset that he left without saying good-bye, but not even a little bit surprised. I was also wondering why he thought it was OK to leave the kid there all by herself. I guess she could have come and found me should she need me. I was upset that the girl was up already too. She really needs more sleep. 5:30 is way too early for her to be up…I need some quiet time too you know!

Then Monster called freaking out because he is flunking math and wanting to know what to do. How would I know what to do? I made only “A”s when I was in college. I tried to comfort him and told him I would ask Husband who works at the University and attended a much bigger university than I did.

While driving to work I talked to KP on the phone and he said something that sounded ignorant so I pointed that out.  He told me I can be rude at times.  We got into a bit of a spat, BUT, as usual, he and I discussed it all out and the problem was solved. I am eternally grateful that SOMEONE actually listens to me.

Anyway, yesterday I was upset and thinking very negatively. Today it is hard to even relate to you how bad I felt yesterday. I told George that I want to go back to the old me; the way I was before my life exploded in 2001-2002. He told me I will never be like that again but I can be even better, even more self-aware. I told him that therapy over all these years has done little to make me feel better and I am frustrated because I feel like I STILL have way more bad days than good.

He encouraged me to get to know myself better; to continue to be more open and honest with my loved ones and friends. He told me to work on figuring out ways to draw myself out of the dark moods. Right now KP is good at pulling me out but I need to learn to pull myself out. Also I need to continue to learn to “feel” my feelings. So far that has not gone well. When I get upset and negative I just feel like puking. This is not a feeling you want to dwell on.

Have to get back to work now. Very busy. Sorry for all the type-os…I don’t have time to proof read this.

UPDATE:
Monster talked to his instructor who agreed to give him a “W” for the semester and the boy is going to retake the course and I will hire a tutor to help him. I also suggested some study strategies and he seemed enthusiastic about my advice. Lastly, I suggested he talk to his PCP about getting some anti-anxiety meds. The boy is a nervous wreck lately.

Today in George's Office

George says "[my name], you are a very VERY analytic person but you need to understand that you can’t fix your emotional problems with cognitive activities. You can’t logic your way into being a more emotionally sound person. It is like trying to clean the inside of your house while you are outdoors. Emotional issues are dealt with on a different level. You have to feel them, not think about them."

My response “well that makes sense.”

...............And we laughed!!

Thanks Brene Brown

Today on Facebook, a friend posted a link to Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday talk with Dr. Brene Brown.

I watched one and then another and at this point, I concede that my day will be spent on these YouTube clips.

I thought you (my blog friends) might find these clips equally informative / enlightening.

CLICK HERE

I so relate to these.......
I am the perfectionist who is trying to prove her worth.
I AM terrified by joy.
I need to listen to these over and over again so they sink in!!

Thanks Brene Brown!!

Thursday's with George

Today George told me I married my husband because I was trying to finish my unfinished business with my parents. George really likes “Imago Theory”. I told him it’s not true. I would NEVER have married him if it weren’t for Beanie. I would have only married a person I considered kind and a friend of mine.

My ex was a really really nice guy. Rocco was my best friend and very kind to me except in the end when it got a little weird. I am not in the habit of hooking up with people that treat me poorly (unless they change on me).

He then asked me why I bother to stay with my husband if I am that unhappy with him. I told him I don’t think being a single mother would make me any happier. I can live with my husband (mostly) and this way we share the responsibly and it is not all on me.

He once again reminded me that things are improving with my husband and I should be happy. He wants me to focus on the positive. I get that but you know what….at this rate of change it will take another 20 years before I am happily married. HA!

Then we were talking about my feelings as a child. He was really challenging me to go back and think about how I felt at the time and what I was thinking. At first I couldn’t come up with anything new or earth shattering. Then I thought a little harder and did come up with a few things I found VERY interesting.

First, my father used to have an accordion and once in a while, in the evening he would drink some wine and bust that thing out of the closet and we would all party it up and laugh and have such a good time. Really my mother is NEVER fun. My father could be very fun at times.

I wonder what ever happened to his accordion?

The other thing I remembered was when my father moved out, which wasn’t long after my older sister moved out, I felt very hurt and confused by their departures. These days people would certainly worry that the child may be traumatized by such changes but I recall back then everyone acting like I should not be emotionally affected at all. And….this is the interesting part, I believed them! I remember feeling that I should NOT have feelings and trying so hard to make them go away. I remember thinking I was crazy because I was sad and I had no reason to be sad. I stuffed all my sadness down and acted like everything was fine because that is what “the world” seemed to expect from me. I remember all of 4th and 5th grade feeling “lost” because of the changes and my inner turmoil with it all.

It is just so hard when you are a child because you have no frame of reference. All you know is what the adults around you tell you and if it is total bullshit then you don’t know any better. It’s sad really…..that they crushed my little soul. I know they didn’t mean to so I really don’t feel “mad” at my parents. I do feel mad at the world though. Mad because I feel like I never had a chance. Like “it” got me and still gets me and I don’t know how to free myself from it.

I am so tired of feeling hurt, angry and sad. I know I should let it go but I don’t know how to!

I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I bet my blood pressure is NOT good.


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PS - so pissed i can't type on the "compose" tab of this blog and i don't have time to research why!
PSS - I think my internet browser is so old and that is why my "compose" tab won't work. I tried to upgrade it but failed. I will see if our IT guy can fix it next time he is in the office.

An Hour with George

Today when I went to see George, I had a list of things to discuss:

1) Trust issues in ALL relationships
2) Abandonment issues with loved ones
3) Why the meltdown when Uwe yelled at me? Why don’t I (can’t I) respond appropriately and remain calm and explain to him that he is being unfair to yell at me and insist I get treated with respect vs. me having a meltdown and crying right there in the middle of the road.
4) CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy
5) I am overly sensitive
6) Why does life seem like it’s no fun….it wasn’t always this way.

I get there, we chat a bit. He tells me a little about CBT and then, when I finally tell George about the issues with Uwe walking all over me he quickly said “well you are responding like a child not an adult” ...AND he is right (as usual) and he says that I learned to respond like this as a child when my father would NEVER allow me to be a person, have an opinion or even irritate him in any way. As a child we were usually smacked around if we irritated our folks in the slightest and if it was our lucky day they MIGHT tell us why we got in trouble. Basically when I was a child, I was taught that I was not of value and I still (deep down inside) believe it. And therefore, I still react like a hurt little girl when people treat me badly.

So I ask him...can we fix it? He says it won’t be easy because my gut reaction is to revert. For starters he says I need to be aware of what I am doing. Maybe think (or say) to Uwe, you are NOT my father and you can’t make me crumble. I kind of decided that I don’t really want to drag Pop into my head all the time but the key is “am I behaving like an adult or dissolving into childish behavior”?

I do not want to behave like a child and I need to be aware of when it is happening (or about to happen) and try to avert the habitual reaction. Instead of reacting instinctively and emotionally, I need to stop and think, take a deep breath and mentally step back to really look at the situation objectively. I need to be an adult.

I need to STOP being the abused child that grew up to be an abused adult because I don’t know how else to be!

(Interestingly enough, all my topics were pretty much addressed by the realization that I am stuck as a child in this way.)

Some Days You Feel GOOD

Today I went to see George. We shot the shit for the first 30 minutes. I love to just talk to him. He is an interesting old fellow and we actually know a lot of the same people because we are both cyclist in this small town.  I find we agree quite often when talking politics or philosophy too.

Did I tell you he and his wife lived in a commune in the 70s?  Fascinating!

Then we talked about Husband a bit. I was in a good mood and really didn’t feel much like I NEEDED therapy so it wasn’t long before we were back chatting like school girls. Then my hour was up and he kept talking.

I finally figured out he had no appointment after mine and was letting me linger since we had not done much therapy. I told him all the good things I have been thinking about my husband lately. How it gives me comfort knowing that my husband is too selfish and lazy to ever have an affair. How he let me rearrange some decorations in the bedroom so it feels more like home to me. (When we moved we basically put his bedroom back the way it was so many of the things in it were not my choice at all.) How some of the things he used to do that drove me nuts no longer bother me at all.

I also told George that if anything I have adapted and compromised A LOT to make it work. We both agreed that people must do such things to make a successful marriage especially when you are a grown up and used to doing things YOUR own way.

I also think there is a point at which you give up too much of what you want in life and then it become wrong. I worry I have just completely given up on what is really important and that is why we never fight any more. I wasn’t however in the mood to go there. I was happy that I was happy so we just had a nice hour and 40 minute happy chat.

I guess it is good to feel that some days I don’t NEED therapy.

George is a Smarty-Pants

So the first thing he asked me when I got there today is “what can I do for you?”

I responded with “fix me”.  He says well…if you were fixed, how would your world be different?

I told him I would view my life as being more pleasure than pain; that the joy would be worth the sorrow.  That I often don’t want to get up and do the day.  I wish I could just hide out from the real world.

Then we spent a long time talking about depression.  He pointed out that I do get out of bed every day.  I said but I don’t want to.  He said but you do.  I told him I needed to work for money.  He praised me for making decisions that are good for me.

We talked about how my husband is being so much kinder to me lately.  I told him I think it is because he is afraid I am about to lose my mind and he doesn’t want to trigger my breakdown.  I seriously think husband feels like I am on the verge of some total collapse and he is scared.

George grilled me on why I have to paint a negative story for his motivation.  Why can’t I just think husband loves me and wants me to be happy and is doing a better job at being a good husband like I have always wanted?  I told George that after years of him being a jerk to me it is hard to believe he has changed.  I have been conditioned over the past 6 years.  George points out that he is giving me more of what I want….that things are better….that I should be happy progress is being made in the right direction.

And you know what?  It irritated the shit out of me that George makes it so damn simple.  I am realizing that I am totally resistant to the idea that my husband may actually have admirable motives.  I suppose it is counterproductive of me to be so negative and defensive.  So frustrating.

Then in the last few minutes of our session I told him how screwed up every relationship in my life is and how I am tired of having to find my inner “I don’t give a fuck” to get thru the day.

He pointed out that I have to quit expecting people to be what they are not. That if my brother doesn’t want to be in touch then I need to except that and not let it bother me.  I told him I want to have a real family.  He pointed out that I have the family I have and that isn’t going to change just because I don’t like it. 

He is right you know.  I let the fact that my family is all fucked up get to me and really there is no reason to do that.  I let myself get angry or mad…..I make myself upset.  Why do I do that to myself???

I guess I am just mad (in general) that I don’t have a good supportive family, that my marriage is so much less than I had hoped, that my teenagers have fucked up priorities, that my job situation is deteriorating every day and finding a new job is not going to be easy or quick, that friends have abandoned me, etc. etc.

Life is fucking disappointing!

AND THEN WE WERE OUT OF TIME….just when it was getting really good.

So next week I need to go in and tell him “I want to be less angry at the world for not being the way I want it”  “I want to be able to appreciate the fact that my husband is better than he was instead of still seeing him as a mere fraction of what I want and need in a spouse.”  “Make me see a glass half full not half empty!!”

UGH!!!

George Earns his Money

Friss called this morning so I told him what all was going on.  He was sweet and let me cry on his shoulder.  I am so glad I have him to confide in.  He told me to tell George that I am stronger than I think I am and he knows it and he wishes I did.  How sweet is that!?

At noon I drove to George’s office and the whole way there I was struggling with what I would say and how I would explain.  I mean really, George and I have barely talked about Rocco ever.  We usually just yap about Husband.

It was hot so I took my dog in with me….George is cool like that and let me do it.  I sat down and the first thing I said was “Today George, you will earn your money!”  I then filled him in as best I could and started to sob and feel completely broken.  I explained….this was not just some old boyfriend that dumped me….this was my soul mate (or so I thought) and he crushed my heart and I have NEVER recovered.   Rocco was my greatest love.  We dated from 1996-2002.  The last few years were fucked up and that made the brake up even worse.  Without meaning to, he tore me down as he tried to justify his feeling for the other women at work.  I have never been able to replace him and I have always felt that “she stole my life.”

My dog fussed around the whole time I was talking....she knew I was upset. 

I know all this is not normal or rational and George told me if it hurts me, it is real to me and that is what matters.  George could see how upset I was and how much anxiety their return was causing me.  I know he was a bit surprised but he said all the right things to make me feel accepted and that he understood.  That alone made me feel better since after all these years EVERYONE else says “oh my god you are still hung up on this guy after all these year!?  Just get over it already!?!”

I know it’s fucked up but in my defense, I have tried everything I can think of to get past it and nothing has worked.  Also, I think that Friss had just been sent to prison, my job was hell and a dozen other things all collapsed in my life at the same time, there is certainly an element of PTSD to the whole thing.  This brings me back to a point in my life where EVERYTHING was destroyed….my life exploded….my soul was devastated.  Basic beliefs were shattered.  I have never recovered and I know that very acutely.

I also believe that if I had gone on to meet and marry a guy that I thought was BETTER than Rocco I wouldn’t give a shit about him.  You know the best revenge is living life well.  I know that feeling so alone in life since he left and never actually finding a suitable replacement for him has made a huge difference in how I still feel about him.  At this point he is irreplaceable in my heart and mind.

George’s advise:  You will see them and you need to start making peace with the idea.  Visualize seeing them and how you will react.  Process it in your mind so when it happens you are ready and you don’t freak out.  I assured him I would be cool in their presence it would be after I saw them I would come unglued.  I know I will race to my car and ball like a baby after the first time I see them in person.  I know I will.

He also told me that I have “unfinished business” with Rocco and this is fate giving me a chance to work on that business.  That he has come back into my life because it was meant to be.  I don’t think, and I know he didn’t mean, that we will get back together…but I do believe he is right and I have to understand that I must get thru this before I will feel strong again. I must make peace with this part of my life at some point.   I guess now I need to start that process.

I don’t still love Rocco…hell I don’t even know him anymore….but I am still in love with that person I was in love with many years ago.  That person that felt so right.  I still miss him very much. 

I also know that person doesn't even exist anymore.

George..... Every Thursday at Noon

George told me that the M&M story was HUGE.  He said that Husband felt threatened because to him I was not being myself but being his shadow.  I frustrated him by making him feel that I was being too close and not separate enough.   So then he didn’t speak to me because he was frustrated and that is how he handled his feelings.  He just repressed them in his normal passive aggressive manor.   Or something like that.  It sounded good when George said it but now it sounds week.  I am going to bring it up again next week. 

Sometimes I feel dense or something because just one hour with George is nowhere near enough.  Seriously I can’t even begin to talk about everything I want to much less all the things I should probably be talking about.  It sucks.

And, short of taking a tape recorder, the notes I take while I am there are always inadequate.  I scribble fast and then we talk about something else and then later the notes seem pointless and I struggle to remember what the most important things we discussed was.

I keep thinking it would be better to discuss one “thing” and beat it to death for an hour than to spend 5 minutes on 12 different topics.  But usually I have 12 things on my mind.  Really if I could boil it down and find the core issues that would help…I should discuss that with him too.  Ask George what he thinks the core issues are and instead of going thru the week’s events we could talk more theoretically.

Today George and I discussed the talk Husband and I had on Friday; the huge argument we had on Wednesday morning and the lame email convo we had on Tuesday.  (Still need to blog those last two items)   We also talked about the two books I have been reading and if I have anxiety issues or not.  Oh and the fact that I want to make love to my husband but no matter how hard I try it just feels awkward.  I used to just go thru the motions and lately….even that feels funny.  When he touches me I feel squirmy and uncomfortable not sexual at all.  Hard to explain.   And I feel guilty because he really is trying to be more passionate and considerate about sex.  Driving me nuts that he is trying harder and I am NOT feeling better.  I feel like such a jerk.

So today George told me over and over again to not get mad and not yell and to keep things positive.  I told him I really try to but sometimes (like Wed morning) I just get to the point I can’t help but explode.  He said I am repressing and I need to discuss my feeling BEFORE I get to the end of my rope.  He is right I do just try to keep my mouth shut and be “pleasant” until I get so frustrated I blow up.   (This is some codependent behavior me thinks.)

Must let steam out before pot boils over!

He told me not to be so impatient that Husband is not perfect but he is trying and I should not push.  That I need to be happy we are making progress and not be greedy and want it faster or NOW.  That when I yell it reinforces his feeling that I am not “safe” so then he is LESS likely to be open and want to be close to me. 

He recommended a book called “Breaking the Patterns of Depression” by Michael Yapko, so I ordered from Amazon.  (The library didn’t have it.)

We talked about my anxiety and he said the way to work on that is to have a plan of action….to gather the real facts and not make assumptions before entering into a situation that will cause anxiety.  We talked about this very briefly and I plan to discuss it much more with him another day.

So it was really good that I got the chance to type this up right after the session.  I really do have a hard time remembering what we discussed.  I usually rush back to work and have to think about work and don’t really get a chance to mentally review the session until bedtime.

I Love Eden Riley

Do you read Eden’s blog?  I have been reading it since BEFORE she was “famous”.  I have read EVERY word she has ever written in this blog and the old one too….before Edenland.  I fell in love with her from the start.  I even posted a comment to let her know.  We have emailed and I have even had dreams about her and going to visit Australia and her and Dave.

I have been wondering and worried about where she has been….she has been gone.  Then today, she came back and told her story like she does and I was blow away, like I always am.

It is sometimes beyond my comprehension that this woman, in Australia, whom I have never met in person, can have such a huge impact on my life but she does…..she always does.  It is almost like fate that she is here for me.

For the past 5 years or so, I have read her blog FIRST THING every day when I arrive at work. I can’t tell you how many times whatever she needed to write was EXACTLY what I needed to read.  It’s true…..she has helped me so many times and she doesn’t even realize it!

These last few months I have been really struggling to keep my feet under me and then I get to work this morning to find out my brother’s girlfriend (who has a huge heart)….her daughter tried to commit suicide.  I was shaken and upset and then I read Eden’s blog. 

Yesterday…just YESTERDAY….I e-mailed Eden because I couldn’t take her absence any longer and I was worried.  I missed her.  AND, yesterday was the day she got out.  She too has been having a hard time keeping her feet under her!

And I read her blog today and I realized that some people shed their skin and put their bones into everything. I’m not exactly sure what she means but I know what I think it means.  AND I think I do it too.  I think some people just live a more intense life….they can’t, just can’t let stuff roll off.   

I am tired of trying to be who I want to be or who I should be.  I am tired of stuffing all my feeling down because I shouldn’t have so many feelings….because I should be a grown up and be cool and functional.  I need to learn to love me and who I already am.  It’s hard to shed your skin and put your bones into everything but if you do, you can’t seem to stop it and you shouldn’t regret it, you should embrace it.  You need to let yourself be yourself and be OK with that.

So right now, at this moment, somehow Eden has made me feel better about just being me…..AGAIN!

I sure hope Eden is feeling better today too.

This is Hard Work

Last night I was down….really down.  I kept thinking things are worse….i feel more hopeless lately.  In the last few months I have spent a lot of time feeling really depressed.  (I did check the calendar and I am sure hormones are involved.)

Then this morning I woke and I thought to myself…  “Self…..you have started seeing a therapist and started digging around in the deep corners of your mind.  You are opening closets and pulling out the skeletons.  You are facing things you would rather not face and thinking about things that are challenging.  Of course you are going to be down….of course it is going to be hard.  But usually things that are worthwhile are not easy.  So suck it up butter cup and keep up the hard work because at the end of the hard stuff may be some really good stuff that you would not have found otherwise.”

Then I came into work and got some good news. 

I am finally finished with the Codependency book and I know it was depressing me. 

So now I am feeling much better.  I really can’t give up….I have to keep moving forward.

I did ask husband how he thought the date went.  He told me he wished we could have gone out.  I agreed….but I think he was kind of blaming me for that which isn’t fair.  Then he said he was glad we talked.  I wanted to shout “I talked, you didn’t talk, you just listened” but I didn’t.  Then he said it was a bummer that I fell asleep as soon as we went to bed.  This kind of hurt me cause I immediately remember how (near the end) Rocco told me that he hated the way I have only two speed 100% or zero.  Other people have made comments as well.  I just don’t know how to do anything else.  If I am awake I am busy and productive and doing stuff that needs to get done.  When I sit down I fall asleep….often.  I wear myself out when I am awake.  I am not a “relaxer”….I wish I was….sometimes.  I think people would like me better.

That’s another thing that was bothering me yesterday.  I told George I have huge social anxiety and I worry ALL THE TIME that people won’t or don’t like me.  (This is something that the Codependency book discussed a lot and it kept urging me to be myself and people would like me and that the fear of rejection is all in my head.)  George on the other hand said he could see how I could bowl people over or they might not know what to think of me.  That was like a punch in the stomach.

I talked to Friss today and he said to keep working on eliminating the negative self-talk.  I will keep working on that too.  He is right….I spend a lot of time beating myself up wishing I was better, stronger, more socially eloquent, more relaxed, etc, etc. etc.

Not a Good Day with George.

Not a good day with George.  I went in there with high hopes and a long list of things to talk about.  For the first time ever I left feeling depressed and hopeless.

I eagerly told him about my 2 am revelation and he was happy.  He was proud of me for how I handled Husband when he was being depressive and how I didn’t let it ruin my evening.  He kindly handed me a bunch of information on co-dependency and other issues he suspected were relevant.

Then, he basically explained to me that all knowledge come from experience and everything else is information.    In other words, I have formed ways of thinking and patterns of belief in the past 45+ years of my life that are deeply engrained and supported by the experiences I have had.  The only way to change them is to experience something different.  Reading and understanding or being told won’t do it.  I have to live it……..AND having one or two different experiences won’t undo the ideas I have built up over years and years of experiences.

It’s like this….your neighbor yells at you for walking on his grass, you will quit walking on it unless you want to be yelled at.  And if one day you walk on it and he doesn’t yell you will assume it was just an off day and the next time things will go back to normal.  If you walk on his grass over and over and he never yells than finally you say….OK I guess he won’t yell any more.  Then the transformation of your belief has taken place. (Lame example but I am in a hurry)

The other thing we discussed is the fact that my husband does all his PA things and many other things in an attempt to control his situation so he feels safe.  This is his way of coping and until he experiences something contrary to the beliefs he has built up over the years he will not quit reacting to life the way he reacts.  He feels that NOT sharing his feeling is what is best for him.  It is his way of feeling safe and having control of his life. He will NOT start sharing his feeling with me until he believes that doing so will better meet his needs which are to feel safe and in control.  I don’t see how this will ever happen so basically he will never open up to me; he has no reason to.  His current way of doing things is to his liking.

See this is one big giant catch 22 and even if I am willing to change, which might actually in the long run change how he reacts to me, it will be a huge undertaking to change me.  It will be a slow and gradual change taking possibly years.  It won’t be like jumping off a cliff; it will be more like walking down a mountain. 

In a nut shell, nothing will get better soon for sure and it might get better over a long period of time if I work hard and get lucky.   Depressing.

The one good idea he offered up was to talk to husband about how he felt “date night” went and how we might do a better job next time.  I plan on doing it and I am hopeful that we can actually agree that it didn’t work out well, agree that we want to do better next time and actually discuss real legit ideas on how to make that happen.

However, I am going to wager a small bet with you here and now.  He will say it went fine or make a joke about how more sex is always better and that will be the extent of it.  I hope he surprises me and we can really discuss this.

2 am Potty Break and a Revelation!

Last night Husband came home and was rather quiet and “injured” acting.  My first thought was to ignore his “vibe” and see if it passed so I talked to him about the necessary events of the day and the normal stuff.  Eventually I asked him if he was OK and he said he was depressed……or sad.  I asked why and he said he wasn’t sure.  I told him I was willing to talk if he wanted, but he did not.  I told him I felt for him and if he needed anything I was here for him. 

THEN I PROMPTLY PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD!

I had offered my assistance and that is all I should do.  His emotional state is not my problem.  This is GOOD for me. I am being very conscious about my thought process.  I still had a tinge of disappointment but overall I went about my evening without his mood affecting me.  (I am feeling strong at the moment and I know I won’t be this good all the time but last night I did well.)

Later, when I was sleeping, it was around 2 am, he rolled around and lurched so hard that the bed shook violently and it scared me.  I awoke in a fright.  It took me a moment to realize what had happened.  I assumed that he wanted to wake me because I was snoring.  (Sad reality, we all snore as we get older….even if not overweight.)

I asked him if I was snoring and he said “yes”.  I then calmly told him that he had scared me and that if he wanted to wake me he should just talk to me rather than lurching the whole bed.  He said he wasn’t awake and didn’t mean to wake me; that he lurched in his sleep rather than doing it intentionally. I was confused at this point and started to dwell on what he was thinking……or feeling.  Was he upset with me?  Was he telling the truth?  He was silent and offered no other information meanwhile I tried to think my way into his head.

I then got up to go pee and as I sat there I realized….I spend a LARGE amount of time thinking and worrying about how others feel.  Now this may seem obvious in a way but this realization was not that I have genuine concern for others feelings; it was that I am completely out of line with the amount of time I spend thinking about how HE feels; trying to make sense of it, rationalize it, anticipate it, control it and even judge it. I let my perception of his feelings rule my life.  And it is just wrong. 

I do it because I care, but it is not the right way to care.  I had started to over think this whole lurching incident but I caught myself doing it.  I actually felt it….I knew it….I understood it.  Not just in my head but “emotionally” I felt it.  Like a real shift in my thinking.

I need to stay out of other people’s heads!

I wanted to bolt from the toilet and shriek with joy and tell him all about it but instead I went back to bed and tried to linger on the idea so it would sink in good and I could still access it come morning. 

I can NOT wait to tell George.  He will get it.  Most people won’t get it but he will.  Some of you will.  I mean really…..don’t we all spend way too much time worrying about how others feel and not enough time minding our own business. 

George & Self Care

I had the best session with George today.  I think we are finally, really, getting to the heart of things.  You see, my husband isn’t the problem….I am.  And I know that.  I have always known that.  I mean he makes it more difficult on me for a multitude of reasons, but most of the issues I have are issues that “I” have and “I” need to resolve.  I am the one that is dissatisfied and I have not really felt happy or normal in years.  Not since Rocco left.  So I know that I have issues that need to be corrected.  Honestly I have been working on this for over 10 years now!

We talked about my family history, how my parents discounted my feelings when I was a child.   They really believed kids were not full people somehow…that our feeling didn’t count.  We discussed many of the problems I am grappling with regarding my kids, my ex husband and other relationships.   I told him how I feel the co-dependent stuff relates to me. (read in this post)

He told me that I am a people pleaser; that I try to keep the peace.  (Funny thing is I kind of knew that but had not recently thought about it.) That I have been taught since I was a child to put my own needs aside and take care of others.  This is true.  I do try to take care of others.  I find my self-worth in feeling needed.  My parents were very conditional with their love and I was expected to be a good girl and earn any love or attention I received.

But it also seems confusing because people seem to be mad at me all the time.  So I don’t feel like my attempts to keep everyone happy are working at all.  If anything it seems like nobody likes me at all.  (and yes, I understand that is the point.....that my way is NOT working.)

At the end of the day I feel used and abused.  Like my family, friends or lover suck me dry. They take from me until I resent it.  I don’t know how to have a healthy give and take.  I don’t know how to get my emotional needs met. I guess I got lucky because Rocco seemed to know what I needed and give it to me?  I never felt like he sucked me dry.

So the goal then is to start taking better care of myself and getting my emotional needs met.  Sounds simple enough…………

But then I told George; maybe I don’t really understand what I need nor have any clue about how to get it.  I told George that on an intellectual level I get all this stuff…it makes sense.  I agree.  But in practice …day to day living…I still have absolutely no idea HOW to change. 

He told me that we naturally revert to our habits….that in times of crisis we go with instinct.  Basically: “The power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason.”  << Snagged that one from my book.

He told me don’t be more selfish but have more self care.  I like that.  NOW, we just have to figure out how to actually DO it.

(this is the closest a therapist has EVER gotten to what is really the core issue with me....I just know we are on to something and I am beyond thrilled.)

  

Let's Talk about Porn!

The night my husband stayed out until 1:30 a.m. I was sitting there fuming and thinking things like “if he doesn’t come home by morning I’m changing the locks first thing”.  I also, got up and cleared out his porn drawer.  For some reason, that was the first things I thought to do.  I was going to throw it away.  I hate his porn!  (Later I gave it back to him.)

He keeps telling me he does it for me. That he has a very high sex drive and prefers to ejaculate at least once a day so he “uses” the porn to aid him in this activity.  Usually on the days I leave the house early to run, before our daughter gets up, he takes the opportunity to relax with some lube and one of these DVDs.

My husbands porn collection.

He says if he did not do this he would never leave me alone and he would be staring at random women’s breasts all day long. 

You know what I think about it……..

a)      The fact that men are such slaves to their sex drive makes me crazy.  EVOLVE MEN..EVOLVE!

b)      I really don’t want this crap in the same house with my kids.

c)       I HATE the way porn portrays sex!

I think men who watch a lot of porn get effed up ideas about what sex is and what it should be like.   You ever notice that the people in the movies are never in a committed relationship? It is like the pizza guy shows up and the scantily clad horny rich girls having a slumber party drag him into the house so they can have their naughty way with him.  Yes, this is every man’s fantasy, and I understand that is why it sells, but how many men out there start wanting or expecting something similar to happen to them or they are disappointed? 

NO men…..chances are………….your wife is NOT going to great you at the door dressed as a French maid and beg to give you a 1 hour blow job!  NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.

Now, I am not advocating making porn illegal nor do I think anyone that watches it has issues.  I think porn has its place.  But at my house it is substituting for a real physical relationship between me and my husband which I am sure is wrong.

I always wonder if he isn’t addicted or something.  I wonder if he didn’t masturbate so much he might have more of a desire to actually work on a real relationship with me so he could be sexually satisfied by a real person.  I mean for a guy that is scared to connect how convenient to have sex with a movie and when you are satisfied you can just pop it back in the drawer until next time.  So neat and tidy, not messy like a real relationship.

This last week husband has been pretty darn sweet and I have been enjoying the low stress feeling of nobody being in a bad mood.  I have been doing great on my diet, getting in my workouts and getting caught up here at work.  Peace is so good for me.  :)

I never did get up the nerve (or have a good opportunity) to discuss “negotiation” with him but I have that discussed filed away in my head should I need it.  

I don’t feel like I really NEED to talk to George tomorrow and I was even thinking about cancelling since it does cost me money.  Then I got to thinking that last week George and I spoke briefly about my husband’s porn habit and he agreed with me that it is not good for our marriage.  I think tomorrow I will go in and talk to him some more about porn and see what George thinks I can do to get the porn out of my house.  (it can be awkward to discuss though)