My husband is certainly a stronger person than I am. He is stronger physically, emotionally, intellectually and he excelled in the debate club in high school. I really don’t stand a chance if we go to battle….in any way shape or form. We both know this.
I am also fully aware of the fact that if I were to have done this divorce the “right” way, I would have left my husband without having a 3rd person involved. I would have walked away before I stated another relationship. I would have sat my husband down, told him I was done and moved on by myself.
Our marriage has always sucked because it was based on lies. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to make it work. I wasted a lot of time and energy on it because it wasn’t a real marriage so I was basically doomed from the start.
He had what he wanted; he wanted a fair and equitable arrangement where I did not tax him in any way. He wanted all the good things about marriage, like two incomes, regular sex, a live in housekeeper and babysitter, but he didn’t want any of the hard parts of marriage like being emotionally available and putting forth the effort to work through the rough patches, or supporting your spouse when they are down and need someone to depend on.
Last summer I finally gave up and knew I needed to leave because I was tired of suffering. But I don’t think I could have done it on my own. I needed somebody to lean on because I am not that strong. I admit that this is not the best way to do it but it needed to be done and this was the only way I was going to be able to be stronger than my husband.
I apologize for being week but I do not apologize for accomplishing my goal in the only way that I could. Getting divorced is the right thing to do and I don’t know how else it would have gotten done. If it weren’t for Kevin I would have caved the minute my husband started giving me any signs that he would change. I would have caved in the first week or two.
***************
amended:
I don't apologize for being week. It is who I am...it is who my parents taught me to be. There is no reason to be sorry for who I am. I need to just be aware of who I am and strive to be a better me going forward. I want to be stronger and I am trying to be stronger.....yet I don't know how much you can really change who you are when you have been that way for almost 50 years. So if I can't change I am not going to beat myself up for it. I am who I am, good, bad, or otherwise.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Emotions
I woke up late and lay in bed for a long time. I was home all alone, well except the two dogs and they were both content to sleep in, so I lingered in bed until after 7 am which is virtually unheard of for me. The house was quiet and peaceful and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I finally got up and let the dogs out and made a cup of tea. I then piddled around the house doing my weekly chores and putting away a few more things.
Around 9 I left to take Monster the dog kennel. Of course he was sound asleep and couldn’t be bothered no matter how many times I rang his phone. I told him yesterday I would stop by in the morning so he knew I would be coming. I finally had to call his girlfriend who then woke him and he came stumbling out of the house with no shoes on and it was about 20 degrees outside.
Next I headed to the office to work on taxes. I did ex-husband and both of the older kid’s tax returns and a few other things at work. Around 1 I texted Husband that I could take the girl from him at any time and he called me and said they had plans to go to Bonkers. So I did some more stuff around my office. Around 2:30 I texted him again and he called me again. He said he wanted to go to the gym and they had never made it to Bonkers. I told him I would meet him there even though it is totally out of my way. I was just trying to be nice and accommodating.
Oh and he did apologize for being a dick yesterday and so did I. The real issue yesterday was that I thought we would catch up since I had not spoken to him in over a week and he was in the mood to be left alone but didn’t tell me that up front. If he would have just said I am in a bad mood and don’t want to chat I would have totally left him be. He has never been a good communicator and I have vowed to lower my expectations so it won’t happen again. From now on I expect NOTHING of him and anything I do get will just be a pleasant surprise.
When I was almost to the gym at the time we had agreed he called me again and told me Beanie didn’t want to go back to my house and she wanted to stay with him. I knew this was probably not his preference but he was just trying to accommodate her. I told him to bring and I would talk to her.
He pulled up in the parking lot and dashed to my car to tell me that the girl was emotional and asking lots of questions and he was very upset. I walked over to her and she looked fine. I spoke to her and she seemed normal. I asked her if she wanted to come to my house and watch Frozen again and play with the dogs and she happily switched cars and Husband looked relieved.
I still find it hard to relate to him being emotional. It always seems like an act to me, like it is all staged so he will appear to be a caring and normal person. I guess I had too many years living with him where he seemed so cold and unfeeling and would just walk off and not care if I cried or not. I suppose he is truly upset by all this because it will be a struggle for him financially and no doubt he morns the loss of his situation. I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with me personally, since he has never had much of an interest in me nor spent much time with me. Still I understand how men like to be married and live with their kids and the “babysitter” aka wife full time. He has openly admitted that caring for her on his own makes him nervous.
I finally got up and let the dogs out and made a cup of tea. I then piddled around the house doing my weekly chores and putting away a few more things.
Around 9 I left to take Monster the dog kennel. Of course he was sound asleep and couldn’t be bothered no matter how many times I rang his phone. I told him yesterday I would stop by in the morning so he knew I would be coming. I finally had to call his girlfriend who then woke him and he came stumbling out of the house with no shoes on and it was about 20 degrees outside.
Next I headed to the office to work on taxes. I did ex-husband and both of the older kid’s tax returns and a few other things at work. Around 1 I texted Husband that I could take the girl from him at any time and he called me and said they had plans to go to Bonkers. So I did some more stuff around my office. Around 2:30 I texted him again and he called me again. He said he wanted to go to the gym and they had never made it to Bonkers. I told him I would meet him there even though it is totally out of my way. I was just trying to be nice and accommodating.
Oh and he did apologize for being a dick yesterday and so did I. The real issue yesterday was that I thought we would catch up since I had not spoken to him in over a week and he was in the mood to be left alone but didn’t tell me that up front. If he would have just said I am in a bad mood and don’t want to chat I would have totally left him be. He has never been a good communicator and I have vowed to lower my expectations so it won’t happen again. From now on I expect NOTHING of him and anything I do get will just be a pleasant surprise.
When I was almost to the gym at the time we had agreed he called me again and told me Beanie didn’t want to go back to my house and she wanted to stay with him. I knew this was probably not his preference but he was just trying to accommodate her. I told him to bring and I would talk to her.
He pulled up in the parking lot and dashed to my car to tell me that the girl was emotional and asking lots of questions and he was very upset. I walked over to her and she looked fine. I spoke to her and she seemed normal. I asked her if she wanted to come to my house and watch Frozen again and play with the dogs and she happily switched cars and Husband looked relieved.
I still find it hard to relate to him being emotional. It always seems like an act to me, like it is all staged so he will appear to be a caring and normal person. I guess I had too many years living with him where he seemed so cold and unfeeling and would just walk off and not care if I cried or not. I suppose he is truly upset by all this because it will be a struggle for him financially and no doubt he morns the loss of his situation. I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with me personally, since he has never had much of an interest in me nor spent much time with me. Still I understand how men like to be married and live with their kids and the “babysitter” aka wife full time. He has openly admitted that caring for her on his own makes him nervous.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Space is good
This morning KP came over and put a shelf in the bathroom for me. We also moved the old white entertainment center from Jordan’s (his youngest child who is in college) room over and put it in the craft room. The house is finally coming together and I am overjoyed.
I also took Beanie to the store to buy some much needed new spring clothes. When I packed her stuff at the BIG house I gave away all the stuff that was too small which was MOST of her clothes. We also gave all her preschool toys to a local day care who was THRILLED to receive a toy kitchen with tons of plastic food and a Little People farm, parking garage and house.
Around 2 pm Kevin (KP’s real name) loaded into a crowded SUV with a bunch of his buddies to go to Florida for a week. (Man will I miss him.) They are down there for baseball spring training. It is an annual deal he does with his old high school buddies. I am keeping his dog Kobi; also known as Binky….a name I gave him since he is such a little guy.
Saturday morning Husband got home from a week long business trip. He has pretty much been no contact all week which is fine by me but I know Beanie missed him. I was however wondering how he was and how his trip went and looking forward to talking to him. Around 7 pm Beanie finished watching Frozen for the 3rd time (“let it go…let it go”) and I texted him to see if he wanted me to bring her home. He replied “Yes”.
We drove over to the Big house and she ran in to go potty. I followed her with a few things I was returning to his house. I walked in and he greeted me with an obviously negative tone. He then held the door open as to say “you are not welcome here”; typical of him to be negative and mean but not blatantly so. I asked him how his trip was and how the presentation he gave went. He said fine and acted like he didn’t want to talk. I told him I needed to get the big dog kennel. He told me it was out back. This dog kennel is for a 100 pound dog so it is HUGE. I didn’t want to carry it by myself so I asked him to get it. He is big and strong so it would be easy for him.
He disappeared into the basement and I went out to meet him at the car and put down the back seats so the kennel would fit. I was getting it to take it to Monster who has a big black lab that needs a huge kennel. Husband marched up to the car and plopped the kennel onto the ground and walked back in the house. As he walked off I asked if would help me load it and he said no. So I hefted that sucker all by myself into the back of my SUV.
Then I walked in the house and asked him what his problem was. He replied he had a bad day and was in a bad mood. By now I was admittedly getting upset at how he was treating me and the next thing you know we are arguing.
He ushered me out of the house so the girl could not hear and I really don’t remember what all was said but he gave me some crap about how I should feel sorry for him because this is so hard on him and stormed back in the house so I left. I called him while I was driving and he did not answer but I left him a long voice message that was something like this “don’t tell me you are so hurt because I am leaving you, you are the one that created this mess, you are the one that had no interest in a real marriage. I tried for years to make this work and you didn’t want to. You made this bed and now you have to lie in it. You are not the victim here, so don’t expect me to be sympathetic.”
Last Friday morning I drove over there to get Beanie’s stuffed lion for school and the whole way over I was sick and crying (literally) because I don't want a broken home. I wanted a real marriage and he would never let that happen. I hate having her stuff at two houses and how our lives are going to be as divorced parents. I am truly broken hearted about it but it is too late now and realistically I know he won’t change even if he says he will. In fact his behavior today is proof that he is still the same old selfish jackass as always.
By the time I got home I was already calmed down a bit. Having my own home to retreat to sure is nice. Husband also said (after I got home) that he wasn’t ready to have the girl back. Gee I wish he would have told me that before I showed up with her. You would think after being away for so long he would be happy to hug his little Beanie?!?!
Later I talked to Kevin and he reminded me that divorce is ugly and that everyone will have mood swings and I need to just go with the flow and not expect anything from the husband; that I should not let him get me so worked up. He also told me that I should keep the kid more if Husband was having such a hard time coping because it would be better for her. As usual, he is right so I texted husband and offered to take the girl back tomorrow.
******
added later....
As I was running this morning I was thinking about why Husband was so upset. I remember he mentioned the peanut butter being gone. He is really not sentimental nor does he think like most people I know. I think the fact that I got to take anything was bothering him. He is a very selfish only child and it is hard for him to give to others....he wants all the toys for himself. He begged me to leave some shelves and my desk and basically lamented every single item I took with me. He is not mourning the loss of a woman he loves.....just the fact that I took some of "his" stuff and I won't be paying half the bills. He is not a normal person like you or I, he is a selfish, disordered person who really can't understand anything but his own needs and wants.
I also took Beanie to the store to buy some much needed new spring clothes. When I packed her stuff at the BIG house I gave away all the stuff that was too small which was MOST of her clothes. We also gave all her preschool toys to a local day care who was THRILLED to receive a toy kitchen with tons of plastic food and a Little People farm, parking garage and house.
Around 2 pm Kevin (KP’s real name) loaded into a crowded SUV with a bunch of his buddies to go to Florida for a week. (Man will I miss him.) They are down there for baseball spring training. It is an annual deal he does with his old high school buddies. I am keeping his dog Kobi; also known as Binky….a name I gave him since he is such a little guy.
Saturday morning Husband got home from a week long business trip. He has pretty much been no contact all week which is fine by me but I know Beanie missed him. I was however wondering how he was and how his trip went and looking forward to talking to him. Around 7 pm Beanie finished watching Frozen for the 3rd time (“let it go…let it go”) and I texted him to see if he wanted me to bring her home. He replied “Yes”.
We drove over to the Big house and she ran in to go potty. I followed her with a few things I was returning to his house. I walked in and he greeted me with an obviously negative tone. He then held the door open as to say “you are not welcome here”; typical of him to be negative and mean but not blatantly so. I asked him how his trip was and how the presentation he gave went. He said fine and acted like he didn’t want to talk. I told him I needed to get the big dog kennel. He told me it was out back. This dog kennel is for a 100 pound dog so it is HUGE. I didn’t want to carry it by myself so I asked him to get it. He is big and strong so it would be easy for him.
He disappeared into the basement and I went out to meet him at the car and put down the back seats so the kennel would fit. I was getting it to take it to Monster who has a big black lab that needs a huge kennel. Husband marched up to the car and plopped the kennel onto the ground and walked back in the house. As he walked off I asked if would help me load it and he said no. So I hefted that sucker all by myself into the back of my SUV.
Then I walked in the house and asked him what his problem was. He replied he had a bad day and was in a bad mood. By now I was admittedly getting upset at how he was treating me and the next thing you know we are arguing.
He ushered me out of the house so the girl could not hear and I really don’t remember what all was said but he gave me some crap about how I should feel sorry for him because this is so hard on him and stormed back in the house so I left. I called him while I was driving and he did not answer but I left him a long voice message that was something like this “don’t tell me you are so hurt because I am leaving you, you are the one that created this mess, you are the one that had no interest in a real marriage. I tried for years to make this work and you didn’t want to. You made this bed and now you have to lie in it. You are not the victim here, so don’t expect me to be sympathetic.”
Last Friday morning I drove over there to get Beanie’s stuffed lion for school and the whole way over I was sick and crying (literally) because I don't want a broken home. I wanted a real marriage and he would never let that happen. I hate having her stuff at two houses and how our lives are going to be as divorced parents. I am truly broken hearted about it but it is too late now and realistically I know he won’t change even if he says he will. In fact his behavior today is proof that he is still the same old selfish jackass as always.
By the time I got home I was already calmed down a bit. Having my own home to retreat to sure is nice. Husband also said (after I got home) that he wasn’t ready to have the girl back. Gee I wish he would have told me that before I showed up with her. You would think after being away for so long he would be happy to hug his little Beanie?!?!
Later I talked to Kevin and he reminded me that divorce is ugly and that everyone will have mood swings and I need to just go with the flow and not expect anything from the husband; that I should not let him get me so worked up. He also told me that I should keep the kid more if Husband was having such a hard time coping because it would be better for her. As usual, he is right so I texted husband and offered to take the girl back tomorrow.
******
added later....
As I was running this morning I was thinking about why Husband was so upset. I remember he mentioned the peanut butter being gone. He is really not sentimental nor does he think like most people I know. I think the fact that I got to take anything was bothering him. He is a very selfish only child and it is hard for him to give to others....he wants all the toys for himself. He begged me to leave some shelves and my desk and basically lamented every single item I took with me. He is not mourning the loss of a woman he loves.....just the fact that I took some of "his" stuff and I won't be paying half the bills. He is not a normal person like you or I, he is a selfish, disordered person who really can't understand anything but his own needs and wants.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Small House
Saturday KP and I drove 2 hours to the big HUGE furniture store and spent many hours there looking at bedroom sets, couches and bistro tables. I found two white girls bedroom sets that I liked. One was really nice but too big for her new tiny bedroom. The other was nice and a bit smaller. As my blood sugar dove thanks to going too long between meals I tried to wrap up my decision and buy her something. I went with the cheaper, smaller set. We loaded the bunk bed into the truck and headed out for some food.
After that we did some other shopping before heading back to our town for the night. We then went over to my house and swiped my daughter’s bedroom set to put it in KP’s guest room. He had given his daughter’s kids bedroom set to me for Beanie to use at her Dads. (Yes it’s all a bit confusing because really we rotated furniture between three houses.) We were up until midnight moving furniture.
Sunday we drove back to the furniture store (2 hours) in the big truck to get the rest of the new white little girl’s bedroom set. On the way we encountered some sleet and snow and almost wrecked the truck! We got there early and they loaded up the truck and we drove right back. Luckily the bad weather had passed. No shopping on this trip.
Why didn’t we get delivery you ask? Because they said it would be 3 weeks and, being the sweetheart he is, KP insisted that my daughter have her new bedroom all set up when she first comes home to the new house. He was willing to do ALL that driving so she would be happy. (More than her own father would have done I assure you.)
After we got back in town Sunday we went shopping for mattresses and that turned into a mess too but this story is getting too long. Just know that we were totally beat and the REAL move had not even started yet!
At one point I started crying because of all the work and patience KP was showing me. I am telling you no one has ever been so kind and loving to me in my life.
Beanie was at G&G all weekend and her father got her back late Sunday night.
Monday morning came and it was finally time for the REAL move. I crawled out of bed already exhausted. I arrived at (husbands) home around 6 am so I could see my daughter before she left for school. I had arranged for her dad to keep her Monday night so I could move. I walked in and she was not awake. Husband was in a bad mood so I disappeared into the basement to complete the very last details of the packing process…..like unmaking my bed.
Beanie finally woke up and I got to see her for all of a half hour and then they left and I finished up ALL packing and loaded my car with plants and fragile items.
At 9:15 the movers arrived. A couple of middle aged men who were scruffy and seemed rather unfit for such a physical job. Nonetheless they loaded all my earthly belonging into a 24 foot truck. It took them 3 hours and it almost filled the truck completely.
As they wheeled my things one by one out of the house I couldn’t help but notice that I own a lot of worthless junk; old furniture that belonged to my Grandmother; not valuable antiques, just old stuff. My bedroom set is some particle board set that I purchased from an old roommate for $400. My free couch, yeah it’s embarrassing actually. And there are plastic tubs of keepsakes from all four of my kids. Way too many keep sakes. I’m sentimental. Oh and I also have about 6 bins of old photo albums. You know, before the digital age, when you actually had to print and store those damn things.
Husband has the nice things like the bedroom set and the nice dining set we were using. He bought them before we met.
I also felt sad to leave my BIG house that was all set up just how I wanted. Like the new sink and faucet (see post here) that I love love love; the carpet I chose, the wall colors I painted, the appliances I purchased because they had the features I wanted. I admit I felt like a snotty old lady who was pissed that she has to downgrade from a nice big home to a little bitty rental house with no basement.
At the new house (which I will hence forth refer to as the small house) the movers did a darn good job of unloading and it was around 3 pm when I wrote them a check for about $500 and they were on their way.
And so it begins….a new chapter in my life. It felt so odd to leave that house after 12 years. It felt good yet weird to be finally in the small house. I was so exhausted but I started unpacking boxes and getting the place functional. KP came over after work and helped like crazy. We unpacked all the kitchen boxes late into the night and then went to his house to sleep.
The next few days are a blur. I worked a half day Tuesday but then worked on the house all afternoon. I picked up Beanie from school on Tuesday and she was THRILLED with her bunk bed and room. I finally slept at the small house for the first time on Tuesday. I was so tired I slept like a log.
I worked all day Wednesday but left early to take Beanie to dance class. When she fussed she didn't want to go I said "OK then we can work on the house." She promised to not complain next week.
Thursday morning was the first time I showered at the small house and then I couldn’t find my deodorant and was completely pissed off by it. I did finally find it by accident.
Now the house is in pretty good order. I still need to unpack the craft supplies for the craft room but I am waiting on KP to bring over another piece of furniture from his house for that room. Thankfully my kitchen, bedrooms and bathroom are all functional. Soon I will get the car into the garage. That will be awesome.
After that we did some other shopping before heading back to our town for the night. We then went over to my house and swiped my daughter’s bedroom set to put it in KP’s guest room. He had given his daughter’s kids bedroom set to me for Beanie to use at her Dads. (Yes it’s all a bit confusing because really we rotated furniture between three houses.) We were up until midnight moving furniture.
Sunday we drove back to the furniture store (2 hours) in the big truck to get the rest of the new white little girl’s bedroom set. On the way we encountered some sleet and snow and almost wrecked the truck! We got there early and they loaded up the truck and we drove right back. Luckily the bad weather had passed. No shopping on this trip.
Why didn’t we get delivery you ask? Because they said it would be 3 weeks and, being the sweetheart he is, KP insisted that my daughter have her new bedroom all set up when she first comes home to the new house. He was willing to do ALL that driving so she would be happy. (More than her own father would have done I assure you.)
After we got back in town Sunday we went shopping for mattresses and that turned into a mess too but this story is getting too long. Just know that we were totally beat and the REAL move had not even started yet!
At one point I started crying because of all the work and patience KP was showing me. I am telling you no one has ever been so kind and loving to me in my life.
Beanie was at G&G all weekend and her father got her back late Sunday night.
Monday morning came and it was finally time for the REAL move. I crawled out of bed already exhausted. I arrived at (husbands) home around 6 am so I could see my daughter before she left for school. I had arranged for her dad to keep her Monday night so I could move. I walked in and she was not awake. Husband was in a bad mood so I disappeared into the basement to complete the very last details of the packing process…..like unmaking my bed.
Beanie finally woke up and I got to see her for all of a half hour and then they left and I finished up ALL packing and loaded my car with plants and fragile items.
At 9:15 the movers arrived. A couple of middle aged men who were scruffy and seemed rather unfit for such a physical job. Nonetheless they loaded all my earthly belonging into a 24 foot truck. It took them 3 hours and it almost filled the truck completely.
As they wheeled my things one by one out of the house I couldn’t help but notice that I own a lot of worthless junk; old furniture that belonged to my Grandmother; not valuable antiques, just old stuff. My bedroom set is some particle board set that I purchased from an old roommate for $400. My free couch, yeah it’s embarrassing actually. And there are plastic tubs of keepsakes from all four of my kids. Way too many keep sakes. I’m sentimental. Oh and I also have about 6 bins of old photo albums. You know, before the digital age, when you actually had to print and store those damn things.
Husband has the nice things like the bedroom set and the nice dining set we were using. He bought them before we met.
I also felt sad to leave my BIG house that was all set up just how I wanted. Like the new sink and faucet (see post here) that I love love love; the carpet I chose, the wall colors I painted, the appliances I purchased because they had the features I wanted. I admit I felt like a snotty old lady who was pissed that she has to downgrade from a nice big home to a little bitty rental house with no basement.
At the new house (which I will hence forth refer to as the small house) the movers did a darn good job of unloading and it was around 3 pm when I wrote them a check for about $500 and they were on their way.
And so it begins….a new chapter in my life. It felt so odd to leave that house after 12 years. It felt good yet weird to be finally in the small house. I was so exhausted but I started unpacking boxes and getting the place functional. KP came over after work and helped like crazy. We unpacked all the kitchen boxes late into the night and then went to his house to sleep.
The next few days are a blur. I worked a half day Tuesday but then worked on the house all afternoon. I picked up Beanie from school on Tuesday and she was THRILLED with her bunk bed and room. I finally slept at the small house for the first time on Tuesday. I was so tired I slept like a log.
I worked all day Wednesday but left early to take Beanie to dance class. When she fussed she didn't want to go I said "OK then we can work on the house." She promised to not complain next week.
Thursday morning was the first time I showered at the small house and then I couldn’t find my deodorant and was completely pissed off by it. I did finally find it by accident.
Now the house is in pretty good order. I still need to unpack the craft supplies for the craft room but I am waiting on KP to bring over another piece of furniture from his house for that room. Thankfully my kitchen, bedrooms and bathroom are all functional. Soon I will get the car into the garage. That will be awesome.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Flowers!
Can you guess what my favorite color is? LOL
KP strikes again.
He is out of town but he ordered flowers for me because it is our 6 month anniversary.
He is so sweet!!
I didn't even know you could get purple roses.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
On the Edge of a Big Change
Today after work I will take the Bean to Grandma and Grandpas. She doesn't have school tomorrow (parent teacher conferences) and I am just too busy to bring her to work or entertain her this weekend.
Her Dad will go pick her up Sunday afternoon and then take her to school on Monday.
I will meet the movers at my house (that husband is buying) Monday morning at 9 am.
Today at lunch time I swung by the house to collect some more clothes and the last of my "valuables". I will spend the next 4 days staying with KP.
It is a beautiful spring day today so I stepped out onto the deck for a moment and peered out at the woods. The sun was beaming through the tall leafless trees and felt warm on my face. The frogs were gently squawking their spring songs and for a moment I felt so melancholy about leaving. I have lived in that house for the past 12 years except for the year or so we lived in Husbands house. There are lots of good things about that place.....like the woods and the frogs in spring. I remember when I first moved out there I swore I would never leave; that I would grow old roaming my trails in the woods behind that house.
The last 12 years have been the saddest years of my life. Sometimes it feels like the house is cursed. I remember how I got some very bad new the day before I was set to move in. I remember laying on the floor alone my first night there and looking out the window at the two trees and crying myself to sleep. I remember a few years later one of the twin trees died and a few years after that Husband cut it down. At the time he cut it down I felt it was symbolic. He has since drained me of all sentiment.
About a week ago I told Husband that I wanted him to give me a down payment or security deposit if you will on the house before I moved out. I bear all the risk as the loan for the house is all on me (his name is not on it since I bought the house before we met) and the new lease is too. He basically has no binding, legal document that says he has to pay for any of it.
He has agreed to pay me "rent" until he can get his own loan and actually "buy" the house from me. I fully believe he intends to buy it but I worry that he might lose his job, or chase a girl to another town or any sort of thing could happen to derail the current plan and stick me with the huge headache of having to sell the house outright and make both payments until it is sold.
When the deal is done Husband will have to give me $130,000 so I asked for a deposit of $20k. He told me he would only give me $9,000. This of course pissed me off and set off all kinds of alarms in my mind. We went round and round about the amount and he finally offered me $10,000. Woopy.
We both got tired of the fight and have let it go for now, but I have every intention of a) keeping after him for more money b) nagging him day and night to get off his godamn ass and get a loan so he can pay mine off c) getting the divorce papers signed and in the courts hands ASAP since they spell out all the house sale details.
Sooo....at this point we have called a truce and are not really speaking to each other. We both need a break from it all. We are both too busy with work and all. Two days after I move he leaves for a week long conference. I will use that time to settle into the new house. When he gets back it will be "Game On" again.
Divorce is so fun. NOT !!
KP is still being a huge sweetheart and I really could not ask for a better man. He is (so far) the best relationship I have ever had. I have never dated a man that is so strong and confident yet at the same time so generous and loving. I really hope things continue to be so good for us. I know having my own place will change the dynamics of how we relate to each other. Only time will tell if it will make us stronger or start revealing concerns.
Tonight it will just be me and the dogs because KP is out of town on business. Tomorrow night we will celebrate our 6 months "anniversary". Yes it has been six months since the day we first talked for hours and hours and hugged each other Good-bye. The day we ventured past just friends.
Saturday we are spending the day out of town going shopping for furniture and some other stuff. It will be a fun day I am sure. We do so love each other's company.
That's all for now. I should be working. Hugs to you all and I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!
Her Dad will go pick her up Sunday afternoon and then take her to school on Monday.
I will meet the movers at my house (that husband is buying) Monday morning at 9 am.
Today at lunch time I swung by the house to collect some more clothes and the last of my "valuables". I will spend the next 4 days staying with KP.
It is a beautiful spring day today so I stepped out onto the deck for a moment and peered out at the woods. The sun was beaming through the tall leafless trees and felt warm on my face. The frogs were gently squawking their spring songs and for a moment I felt so melancholy about leaving. I have lived in that house for the past 12 years except for the year or so we lived in Husbands house. There are lots of good things about that place.....like the woods and the frogs in spring. I remember when I first moved out there I swore I would never leave; that I would grow old roaming my trails in the woods behind that house.
The last 12 years have been the saddest years of my life. Sometimes it feels like the house is cursed. I remember how I got some very bad new the day before I was set to move in. I remember laying on the floor alone my first night there and looking out the window at the two trees and crying myself to sleep. I remember a few years later one of the twin trees died and a few years after that Husband cut it down. At the time he cut it down I felt it was symbolic. He has since drained me of all sentiment.
About a week ago I told Husband that I wanted him to give me a down payment or security deposit if you will on the house before I moved out. I bear all the risk as the loan for the house is all on me (his name is not on it since I bought the house before we met) and the new lease is too. He basically has no binding, legal document that says he has to pay for any of it.
He has agreed to pay me "rent" until he can get his own loan and actually "buy" the house from me. I fully believe he intends to buy it but I worry that he might lose his job, or chase a girl to another town or any sort of thing could happen to derail the current plan and stick me with the huge headache of having to sell the house outright and make both payments until it is sold.
When the deal is done Husband will have to give me $130,000 so I asked for a deposit of $20k. He told me he would only give me $9,000. This of course pissed me off and set off all kinds of alarms in my mind. We went round and round about the amount and he finally offered me $10,000. Woopy.
We both got tired of the fight and have let it go for now, but I have every intention of a) keeping after him for more money b) nagging him day and night to get off his godamn ass and get a loan so he can pay mine off c) getting the divorce papers signed and in the courts hands ASAP since they spell out all the house sale details.
Sooo....at this point we have called a truce and are not really speaking to each other. We both need a break from it all. We are both too busy with work and all. Two days after I move he leaves for a week long conference. I will use that time to settle into the new house. When he gets back it will be "Game On" again.
Divorce is so fun. NOT !!
KP is still being a huge sweetheart and I really could not ask for a better man. He is (so far) the best relationship I have ever had. I have never dated a man that is so strong and confident yet at the same time so generous and loving. I really hope things continue to be so good for us. I know having my own place will change the dynamics of how we relate to each other. Only time will tell if it will make us stronger or start revealing concerns.
Tonight it will just be me and the dogs because KP is out of town on business. Tomorrow night we will celebrate our 6 months "anniversary". Yes it has been six months since the day we first talked for hours and hours and hugged each other Good-bye. The day we ventured past just friends.
Saturday we are spending the day out of town going shopping for furniture and some other stuff. It will be a fun day I am sure. We do so love each other's company.
That's all for now. I should be working. Hugs to you all and I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!
Friday, March 7, 2014
Moving Delayed and Reflecting on My Life
My move has been pushed back to Monday the 17th. To say I can’t wait is an understatement. Even Husband said he is looking forward to it so we get out of this “limbo” we are currently in.
This last week Husband has been fairly agreeable and happy. He says he finally realized that fussing and fuming wasn’t changing anything, in fact it was just making everyone needlessly tense and upset. I am happy that he is smart enough to realize that. It is actually smart of him because if he was to save our marriage (something he still brings up regularly) being nice, not mean, would be the best plan.
KP is out of town this week on a business trip. I sure do miss him. I have volunteered to take Beanie every single day after school, and that, no doubt, is helping to keep the Husband’s mood elevated.
Lately, I do a lot of reflecting on my relationships over the past few years. I keep noticing all these little things that KP does that show me he respects and values me and then I think of all the times I let Husband or Uwe (and others before them) treat me like crap and not show me the proper respect.
Uwe’s birthday was the other day so I messaged him birthday wishes along with mentioning that I am sorry we are no longer friends. He replied back with something snide and ugly. Rather than feeling hurt or offended (the old me) I just thought to myself “man he is not the type of person I want to be friends with…I can do so much better!”
One of my focuses going forward is to always be aware of the level of respect I am “demanding” from those around me. I know that I have put up with crappy treatment way to much in my life and I need to end that cycle. I need to weed out the people that take from me and don’t give anything back. I need to set the bar higher for entrance into my heart.
I have also noticed how having a person treat me with respect and kindness makes the whole world seem like a nicer place. Every single day, everything I do just seems better. I have more energy and
more optimism than I have had in over 14 years!
I had a therapist many years ago that told me all I needed to do to feel better was to find a healthy relationship and I would be fine. I thought he was oversimplifying things. But, in a way he was right.
I also had a therapist many years ago who told me I need to be happy (or at least optimistic) even when life is not perfect or throws me a curve ball. Basically her theory was that your goal should be to make the best of what you have rather than chasing a dream. I know she has a valid point (in a way) but at the same time, you have to know when a situation is bad for you and GET OUT OF IT if at all possible.
I think over the past 14 years I have made two big mistakes in my thinking:
1) That changing my attitude was more important than changing my situation. In other words, many will tell you that “you are only as happy as you want to be. So be happy and the rest will fall into place.” FALSE – people around you can bring you down. Bad relationships are destructive. You can’t fix many problems by changing your “mind” about them. Sometimes you need to just realize that, living with a slob or a negative introvert is NOT healthy to your well-being and get the hell away from them.
2) That there will be a miracle cure or a pivotal moment that will change things dramatically. I know I have heard people exclaim how finding God changed their lives or life is such a gift now that they are sober or even the ones who say “see a good therapist to fix X or Y”. But here’s the thing….I have tried EVERYTHING thinking that each might be the magic key that was going to make things change. I have searched and searched for the “answer” to my problems. In the end I have decided that having been raised in an abusive situation and suffering from ADHD are things that affect me EVERY single day of my life and I will always have to be aware of them and work to keep their impact on me under control. I will never wake up one day and be cured. The best I can hope for is the energy and foresight to make the best of who I am and to except that I may not be who I want to be and that is OK.
Lastly I have to say that setting out to find friends who know the real me and accept me for who I am is key to all this. I think in the past I always felt it was important to be perfect or hide my dark secrets so people would like me. NOW I am trying to have the attitude that…. hey I am flawed (we all are actually) and if you don’t like my flaws then you can stay the fuck away from me! In other words take me for who I am, the good the bad and the ugly or don’t take me at all AND I really don't care if you choose not to take me because there will be others who will.
I admit KP has done many things to make me realize all of the above. He seems too actually like things about me that many people have told me they dislike. It is so damn refreshing to have this acceptance and it makes me aware that other people could accept me too; that I am not such a pathetic, old, mentally ill person that I have no value.
I guess KP got my self esteem ball rolling and now I am running with it. I am working hard to get my attitude set in the right direction and then KEEP IT THERE. I am not going to let petty, selfish people drag me down and trigger me into a depression anymore.
Reading Chump Lady has helped too! seriously she has helped wake me up to how I thought I was being nice but I was just being a doormat. When I feel weak I read some more and gather a little personal strength from her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I probably won’t be able to post much for the next few weeks; work is busy, moving and taxes need to be done, not to mention I am swamped with multisport club accounting that I have NO TIME FOR. I am just hoping I can actually get it all done with a reasonable degree of accuracy!! Wish me luck.
This last week Husband has been fairly agreeable and happy. He says he finally realized that fussing and fuming wasn’t changing anything, in fact it was just making everyone needlessly tense and upset. I am happy that he is smart enough to realize that. It is actually smart of him because if he was to save our marriage (something he still brings up regularly) being nice, not mean, would be the best plan.
KP is out of town this week on a business trip. I sure do miss him. I have volunteered to take Beanie every single day after school, and that, no doubt, is helping to keep the Husband’s mood elevated.
Lately, I do a lot of reflecting on my relationships over the past few years. I keep noticing all these little things that KP does that show me he respects and values me and then I think of all the times I let Husband or Uwe (and others before them) treat me like crap and not show me the proper respect.
Uwe’s birthday was the other day so I messaged him birthday wishes along with mentioning that I am sorry we are no longer friends. He replied back with something snide and ugly. Rather than feeling hurt or offended (the old me) I just thought to myself “man he is not the type of person I want to be friends with…I can do so much better!”
One of my focuses going forward is to always be aware of the level of respect I am “demanding” from those around me. I know that I have put up with crappy treatment way to much in my life and I need to end that cycle. I need to weed out the people that take from me and don’t give anything back. I need to set the bar higher for entrance into my heart.
I have also noticed how having a person treat me with respect and kindness makes the whole world seem like a nicer place. Every single day, everything I do just seems better. I have more energy and
more optimism than I have had in over 14 years!
I had a therapist many years ago that told me all I needed to do to feel better was to find a healthy relationship and I would be fine. I thought he was oversimplifying things. But, in a way he was right.
I also had a therapist many years ago who told me I need to be happy (or at least optimistic) even when life is not perfect or throws me a curve ball. Basically her theory was that your goal should be to make the best of what you have rather than chasing a dream. I know she has a valid point (in a way) but at the same time, you have to know when a situation is bad for you and GET OUT OF IT if at all possible.
I think over the past 14 years I have made two big mistakes in my thinking:
1) That changing my attitude was more important than changing my situation. In other words, many will tell you that “you are only as happy as you want to be. So be happy and the rest will fall into place.” FALSE – people around you can bring you down. Bad relationships are destructive. You can’t fix many problems by changing your “mind” about them. Sometimes you need to just realize that, living with a slob or a negative introvert is NOT healthy to your well-being and get the hell away from them.
2) That there will be a miracle cure or a pivotal moment that will change things dramatically. I know I have heard people exclaim how finding God changed their lives or life is such a gift now that they are sober or even the ones who say “see a good therapist to fix X or Y”. But here’s the thing….I have tried EVERYTHING thinking that each might be the magic key that was going to make things change. I have searched and searched for the “answer” to my problems. In the end I have decided that having been raised in an abusive situation and suffering from ADHD are things that affect me EVERY single day of my life and I will always have to be aware of them and work to keep their impact on me under control. I will never wake up one day and be cured. The best I can hope for is the energy and foresight to make the best of who I am and to except that I may not be who I want to be and that is OK.
Lastly I have to say that setting out to find friends who know the real me and accept me for who I am is key to all this. I think in the past I always felt it was important to be perfect or hide my dark secrets so people would like me. NOW I am trying to have the attitude that…. hey I am flawed (we all are actually) and if you don’t like my flaws then you can stay the fuck away from me! In other words take me for who I am, the good the bad and the ugly or don’t take me at all AND I really don't care if you choose not to take me because there will be others who will.
I admit KP has done many things to make me realize all of the above. He seems too actually like things about me that many people have told me they dislike. It is so damn refreshing to have this acceptance and it makes me aware that other people could accept me too; that I am not such a pathetic, old, mentally ill person that I have no value.
I guess KP got my self esteem ball rolling and now I am running with it. I am working hard to get my attitude set in the right direction and then KEEP IT THERE. I am not going to let petty, selfish people drag me down and trigger me into a depression anymore.
Reading Chump Lady has helped too! seriously she has helped wake me up to how I thought I was being nice but I was just being a doormat. When I feel weak I read some more and gather a little personal strength from her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I probably won’t be able to post much for the next few weeks; work is busy, moving and taxes need to be done, not to mention I am swamped with multisport club accounting that I have NO TIME FOR. I am just hoping I can actually get it all done with a reasonable degree of accuracy!! Wish me luck.
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