KP works up the street from me for a roofing supply company. He has a little old grungy office in a big concrete warehouse. He works in that office area with a bunch of guys that smoke ALL DAY LONG. He comes home from work stinking like a cigarette butt. I worry about what all that second hand smoke is doing to his pretty pink lungs.
He keeps his house tidy. Party because he has a little dog that will get into stuff if it is left lying around but also because he likes things orderly. He keeps his trucks immaculate. His bathroom needs a good scrubbing but you will never find a stray whisker or blob of phlegm glued to his sink. He squeegees the glass shower doors after each shower so it doesn’t get spots or hard water stains!
The first time I saw his office I was shocked. Piles of dust covered stuff and dirt on everything. An old TV in the corner that hasn’t been used in many years. A path around the desk to walk. They don’t have a cleaning service so he empties the trash can and that is the most cleaning his office has received in the last 10 years. When I go into his office I don’t touch a thing or I end up with black smears on myself. He admits that 80% of the stuff in there is not even used anymore.
He expressed to me a desire to clean up his 6x10 workspace and I offered to help. My super power is cleaning…no really it is organizing things. We agreed that sometime this winter we would both get in there and do a proper cleaning and throw out the old sales catalogs from 1995. I wasn’t looking forward to this dirty job but I was looking forward to helping him get motivated to concur the pile because I knew he would be thrilled to have it done.
He has a spare room at his house that is also a dumping ground. He is not a hoarder but he is a keeper. He keeps stuff just in case. He keeps stuff because it was his kids. He keeps stuff because it still works even though he doesn’t use it. I appreciate that he is sentimental and conservative but I admit I was worried the man would never find the “energy” to really dive into these projects even though he keeps telling me he wants to clear out some stuff. (Especially since his ex-wife died and his kids have been slaving to clean up her belongings.)
Today I had to stop by his office and when I walked in I gave him a hug and was so happy to see him I didn’t even notice at first. He pointed around his desk and I didn’t understand and then I looked up! (queue the angels singing) The piles were gone, the old filthy 19 inch TV was gone, and in their place were some new wooden shelves (he built) with all his current books/catalogs lined up in a neat row. Shingle samples were stowed underneath. It looked amazing! I had no idea he had been working on it. I almost cried. I smiled so big it hurt. I am proud of him. I know he did it so he would see me smile. (and because it really needed to be done.) I know he didn’t tell me he was working on it because he wanted to surprise me. I know he did it without me because he did not want burden me with his problems. He is the biggest hearted man I have ever been in a relationship with and it is the best feeling.
He makes me so happy I cry…..not once in a while, but all the damn time!
The love in his eyes is priceless.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
Talking House Sale
This morning I got up at 5 so I could talk to Husband alone before the girl got up. When I got upstairs I was not happy to find she was up already. She was being moody and whining for Daddy. She has been very moody around him lately. I asked him if we could talk and he set the girl up with PBS kids on TV and we went to the kitchen for coffee and tea.
I asked him more about his idea of buying the house. At first he said he would pay me my equity and assume the loan. I asked him what he was willing to pay and he said whatever I had in it. I told him I would NOT sell it to him for the same price I purchased it 13 years ago! He then backpedalled and said I misunderstood and he would certainly pay me more than that. I shot him a number that I think it is worth. He balked. I told him that he could just move out and we could sell it outright if he didn’t like my price. He said he would think about it. He also pointed out how he had done so much work to the place. We discuss what all that was and the only two things he came up with that I agreed were the retaining wall and landscaping around the house. I told him I would deduct $5000 from my price to compensate him for his landscaping work. He also pointed out he paid $500 to have a tree removed. I said fine $5500 off my asking price.
I told him he could not assume my loan because his name was not on it. He said he thought it was. I knew it wasn’t and proved it to him once I got to a computer. So he will need to get financing.
I guess he talked with his parents about it too. He told me they would move in the house with him. They are retired and really don’t need to keep up their old house they live in now. It is a good idea. But I can’t help but think to myself “Of course my Husband would drag his mom to town so she can help him with the girl when it is his turn to have her!!”
I am pretty sure he doesn’t think he will have to pay child support. I am pretty sure he will. I am pretty sure when he figures that out he will NOT be happy. I still expect this to end with two attorneys and all the associated BS.
As of this morning he is still all nice and “let’s agree on things and make this as painless as possible”. He says he doesn’t care about money so much as he just wants everyone to be happy.
I have an appointment with my attorney for January 13th. It was the first available. I am anxious to get an expert’s advice. I don’t want to screw him but I don’t want him to screw me either. I want what is fair. I am pretty sure the state will require child support though.
I asked him more about his idea of buying the house. At first he said he would pay me my equity and assume the loan. I asked him what he was willing to pay and he said whatever I had in it. I told him I would NOT sell it to him for the same price I purchased it 13 years ago! He then backpedalled and said I misunderstood and he would certainly pay me more than that. I shot him a number that I think it is worth. He balked. I told him that he could just move out and we could sell it outright if he didn’t like my price. He said he would think about it. He also pointed out how he had done so much work to the place. We discuss what all that was and the only two things he came up with that I agreed were the retaining wall and landscaping around the house. I told him I would deduct $5000 from my price to compensate him for his landscaping work. He also pointed out he paid $500 to have a tree removed. I said fine $5500 off my asking price.
I told him he could not assume my loan because his name was not on it. He said he thought it was. I knew it wasn’t and proved it to him once I got to a computer. So he will need to get financing.
I guess he talked with his parents about it too. He told me they would move in the house with him. They are retired and really don’t need to keep up their old house they live in now. It is a good idea. But I can’t help but think to myself “Of course my Husband would drag his mom to town so she can help him with the girl when it is his turn to have her!!”
I am pretty sure he doesn’t think he will have to pay child support. I am pretty sure he will. I am pretty sure when he figures that out he will NOT be happy. I still expect this to end with two attorneys and all the associated BS.
As of this morning he is still all nice and “let’s agree on things and make this as painless as possible”. He says he doesn’t care about money so much as he just wants everyone to be happy.
I have an appointment with my attorney for January 13th. It was the first available. I am anxious to get an expert’s advice. I don’t want to screw him but I don’t want him to screw me either. I want what is fair. I am pretty sure the state will require child support though.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Rings
The Husband and daughter got back late last night after I was asleep. This morning husband dallied around under foot for what seemed like an eternity and then he went to the grocery store. Then he came home and did a little trail run out behind our house. I built those trails years ago when I first purchased the house. I haven’t been out there is a very long time though. He has had back issues and quit running but now that he is “single” he thinks it would be good to see if he can get back into running. I think it bothered his back though so he may not get that wish.
Next he showered and got dressed up to go to church. He has NEVER been a church goer, he doesn’t belong to a church, but now he thinks it will be good for him and Alli. As he left he told me he would be gone all day. That was fine by me.
I decided to go up to the mall to shop for a gemstone ring to wear on my middle finger on my left hand because I just feel too naked with no ring on at all. I finally put my wedding ring in the firebox for safe keeping. I love that ring so much….it was hard to take it off. I would still be wearing it except it was sending the wrong message to both Husband and KP. You see, that ring was never a real symbol of OUR vows because of the way the whole purchase went. It was just MY cool wedding ring.
While I was driving to the mall I got behind this fellow who was farting around and taking forever to turn. I swung around him because I was feeling impatient. Later in the parking lot he popped out between two cars and started yelling at me for driving recklessly. It really rattled me. I was already upset because I was ring shopping because my wedding ring is now off limits because my marriage was a scam and this crazy parking lot scene didn’t help my mood one bit. By the time we got to the first jewelry store I was still physically shaking. I knew it wasn’t nice to turn in front of him but I guess I just didn’t think it through. This incident bothered me the rest of the day. In the final analysis, I determined that I really need to calm down but it is very hard for me to feel calm when my life is in this state of confusion. Husband has always made me nervous and upset and it is even worse now. I need to be more grounded and not let him rattle me. I don’t want to be an impatient person who makes other people upset. That is NOT the real me!!
Beanie liked going to the jewelry stores and looking at the pretty rings. She was good company for me all day long.
Next he showered and got dressed up to go to church. He has NEVER been a church goer, he doesn’t belong to a church, but now he thinks it will be good for him and Alli. As he left he told me he would be gone all day. That was fine by me.
I decided to go up to the mall to shop for a gemstone ring to wear on my middle finger on my left hand because I just feel too naked with no ring on at all. I finally put my wedding ring in the firebox for safe keeping. I love that ring so much….it was hard to take it off. I would still be wearing it except it was sending the wrong message to both Husband and KP. You see, that ring was never a real symbol of OUR vows because of the way the whole purchase went. It was just MY cool wedding ring.
While I was driving to the mall I got behind this fellow who was farting around and taking forever to turn. I swung around him because I was feeling impatient. Later in the parking lot he popped out between two cars and started yelling at me for driving recklessly. It really rattled me. I was already upset because I was ring shopping because my wedding ring is now off limits because my marriage was a scam and this crazy parking lot scene didn’t help my mood one bit. By the time we got to the first jewelry store I was still physically shaking. I knew it wasn’t nice to turn in front of him but I guess I just didn’t think it through. This incident bothered me the rest of the day. In the final analysis, I determined that I really need to calm down but it is very hard for me to feel calm when my life is in this state of confusion. Husband has always made me nervous and upset and it is even worse now. I need to be more grounded and not let him rattle me. I don’t want to be an impatient person who makes other people upset. That is NOT the real me!!
Beanie liked going to the jewelry stores and looking at the pretty rings. She was good company for me all day long.
 |
| The ring I bought today. |
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Saturday Like it Should be Done
After sleeping in I called KP to discuss how he would like to spend his Saturday. He said he needed to go to Target, do laundry and wash his truck. I said I needed to go to Target and wash my car. He suggested we start the day with a run…..he offered to run with me even though he is a much faster runner than I am. I have a nasty cold and have been coughing my lungs up so I declined his invitation. He said that he wouldn’t go if I couldn’t go. I told him that was sweet of him BUT silly and I convinced him that it was just too pretty outside to skip his run. He reluctantly agreed and did go run. I headed over to his house around 10 which is when he said he would be ready to go shopping.
When I got to his house, he was babysitting his 2 year old grandson so we took him along with us to Target. While at Target KP purchased new towels. I had bought him a few new gray towels recently because his towels were about 100 years old and did not match; sad things with frayed edges. Like a typical man, he kept using what he had and thought nothing of it. The three of us wondered around Target together for a while and had a nice time. At the checkout he happily paid for the two small items I had picked up. He is very generous like that.
When we got back to his house his son was there to pick up the toddler and he was shocked / impressed that his father had finally broke down and gotten new towels. Later while we lunched at a local burger joint KP would tell me how he didn’t realize what a rut he was in until I came around. That ever since his kids had moved out (about 5 yrs. ago) he was just doing the basics and getting by. It was just him and the little dog there and no one paying attention so he was in a rut. It made me happy to think we are good for each other.
He told me a few days ago that whenever I arrive at his house I seem agitated and wound too tight but then after I am there for a while I finally relax and morph into a different person. He is right; he has a very calming influence on me. He is just pleasant to be around. Very open, honest and talkative. Very caring and sensitive. He is a good listener. We just get each other.
After lunch we went back to his house and switched laundry and let the dogs out and then headed to the car was to wash his truck. He only washes his big shiny black truck at a touch less wash because as we all know black shows every scratch. We had to wait in line but had a good time.
After we got his car clean we switched laundry again and took my car to the drive through car was with the brushes that “caress” your paint off. My car is white and I don’t care about the paint that much. Again we waited forever to get through but it was no big deal because we had each other’s company. He said it was fun to ride through the car wash which is something he had not done in many years.
As the day wore on we settled on the couch and I nursed a glass of wine while he had his favorite dinner of scrambled eggs with bacon bits and cheese. He usually drinks a bottle of water with dinner but sometimes he splurges and has a Miller Light. He only drinks Miller Light and he rarely drinks at all. I love that about him too.
.........................................
For Christmas my husband got me nothing. (no surprise there!)
For Christmas KP got me a sterling silver dog tag necklace with a personal note engraved. A new jacket with zip pockets. (I had mentioned that my jackets must have zip pockets and he took note.) It fits perfect and I love it. He also got me a key chain that says “everything happens for a reason” on it. And, last but not least, he bought me a new wine glass to keep at his house. You see, the second time I went over to his house, I brought my own glass because I knew he would not have one. He has been very sweet about indulging my love of wine. When I am with him I never drink more than a glass or two. :)
When I got to his house, he was babysitting his 2 year old grandson so we took him along with us to Target. While at Target KP purchased new towels. I had bought him a few new gray towels recently because his towels were about 100 years old and did not match; sad things with frayed edges. Like a typical man, he kept using what he had and thought nothing of it. The three of us wondered around Target together for a while and had a nice time. At the checkout he happily paid for the two small items I had picked up. He is very generous like that.
When we got back to his house his son was there to pick up the toddler and he was shocked / impressed that his father had finally broke down and gotten new towels. Later while we lunched at a local burger joint KP would tell me how he didn’t realize what a rut he was in until I came around. That ever since his kids had moved out (about 5 yrs. ago) he was just doing the basics and getting by. It was just him and the little dog there and no one paying attention so he was in a rut. It made me happy to think we are good for each other.
He told me a few days ago that whenever I arrive at his house I seem agitated and wound too tight but then after I am there for a while I finally relax and morph into a different person. He is right; he has a very calming influence on me. He is just pleasant to be around. Very open, honest and talkative. Very caring and sensitive. He is a good listener. We just get each other.
After lunch we went back to his house and switched laundry and let the dogs out and then headed to the car was to wash his truck. He only washes his big shiny black truck at a touch less wash because as we all know black shows every scratch. We had to wait in line but had a good time.
After we got his car clean we switched laundry again and took my car to the drive through car was with the brushes that “caress” your paint off. My car is white and I don’t care about the paint that much. Again we waited forever to get through but it was no big deal because we had each other’s company. He said it was fun to ride through the car wash which is something he had not done in many years.
As the day wore on we settled on the couch and I nursed a glass of wine while he had his favorite dinner of scrambled eggs with bacon bits and cheese. He usually drinks a bottle of water with dinner but sometimes he splurges and has a Miller Light. He only drinks Miller Light and he rarely drinks at all. I love that about him too.
.........................................
For Christmas my husband got me nothing. (no surprise there!)
For Christmas KP got me a sterling silver dog tag necklace with a personal note engraved. A new jacket with zip pockets. (I had mentioned that my jackets must have zip pockets and he took note.) It fits perfect and I love it. He also got me a key chain that says “everything happens for a reason” on it. And, last but not least, he bought me a new wine glass to keep at his house. You see, the second time I went over to his house, I brought my own glass because I knew he would not have one. He has been very sweet about indulging my love of wine. When I am with him I never drink more than a glass or two. :)
Friday, December 27, 2013
Some Peace
It’s Friday and all is calm. Husband and daughter are at Grandma’s house 2 hours away. They left yesterday afternoon so I did not have to deal with either of them last night or this morning.
Ahh
I am now at work and happily getting some VERY much needed year end stuff done.
Latest info:
As best I can tell he doesn’t seem too broke up about the divorce other than its possible effects on our daughter. In fact, I think he is excited at the prospect of getting out and dating again. He told me he would have no problem finding a new girlfriend. He asked where he could get his back hair lazar removed. He sorted out all his old icky clothes and socks and pitched them. He sorted other things in his bedroom….like his keepsakes drawer. He put his chainsaw up for winter said he would not have time to use it. (I assume because he will be out on the town.) He told me he wants to be a more “well rounded” person. He is getting on antidepressants. He even set up a Facebook page! And this man has had ZERO interest in being social for the past 6 years. When I met him he seemed normal. He had friends, had people over to his house, went out with friends, and attended concerts. I guess he was just depressed to be with me so he quit all those things?!?
He offered to buy the house from me. It was my house when we met. I “own” it. My knee jerk reaction was “HELL NO” but then I considered it a bit more and thought it could be a good option for me because I really don’t want to keep it. It is too much house for just me and Beanie. I will ask my attorney about the details of making that happen. We haven’t talked price or any details so it may turn out to be nothing at all.
Right now he is being nice and saying all the nice things. Says he still loves me and wants to work it out. It doesn’t matter what he says to me though………I can’t believe anything he says. I have ZERO trust in him.
Ahh
I am now at work and happily getting some VERY much needed year end stuff done.
Latest info:
As best I can tell he doesn’t seem too broke up about the divorce other than its possible effects on our daughter. In fact, I think he is excited at the prospect of getting out and dating again. He told me he would have no problem finding a new girlfriend. He asked where he could get his back hair lazar removed. He sorted out all his old icky clothes and socks and pitched them. He sorted other things in his bedroom….like his keepsakes drawer. He put his chainsaw up for winter said he would not have time to use it. (I assume because he will be out on the town.) He told me he wants to be a more “well rounded” person. He is getting on antidepressants. He even set up a Facebook page! And this man has had ZERO interest in being social for the past 6 years. When I met him he seemed normal. He had friends, had people over to his house, went out with friends, and attended concerts. I guess he was just depressed to be with me so he quit all those things?!?
He offered to buy the house from me. It was my house when we met. I “own” it. My knee jerk reaction was “HELL NO” but then I considered it a bit more and thought it could be a good option for me because I really don’t want to keep it. It is too much house for just me and Beanie. I will ask my attorney about the details of making that happen. We haven’t talked price or any details so it may turn out to be nothing at all.
Right now he is being nice and saying all the nice things. Says he still loves me and wants to work it out. It doesn’t matter what he says to me though………I can’t believe anything he says. I have ZERO trust in him.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Mad is an Understatement
So what is the one thing that my husband could do right now that would FUCK me up more than anything in the world??
Anyone want to guess?
leave a comment with your best guess and I will tell you the answer later.
PS - Merry Christmas!! :(
Anyone want to guess?
leave a comment with your best guess and I will tell you the answer later.
PS - Merry Christmas!! :(
Monday, December 23, 2013
7 Years of Lies
It’s Monday and I am back at work. I have the 6 year old along. Ugh. Makes is very hard on both me and her. (out of school for Christmas)
Husband got up last Thursday morning, packed a bag and said he was going to stay with his parents for a few days. At first I was thrilled hoping he would be out of my hair soon. But then he got a beer out of the fridge and was just moping around the house. I went down stairs to find him standing in his workshop, beer in hand looking at his shotgun which was on the workbench. I asked him what he was doing and he said thinking. I told him I was not thrilled to find him at 8 am drinking a beer and looking at a gun. He brushed my concern off and said he wasn’t looking at the gun it just happened to be there. He plucked his xmas gifts off the shelf and started digging through them.
I told him I needed to go to work. He said “so go”. I told him I wanted him to leave first. He asked why. I told him I would feel better knowing I was last to leave. That I am somewhat concerned about what he might do. We ended up talking some more as he drank a few more beers. Not what I wanted to do at all. I had to tell work I was going to be late AGAIN! He promised he would not be violent or even mean that he just wants peace. I told him my fears may be irrational to him but they are my fears and they are very real to me. After draining 4 beers he finally left. I asked him to take the guns to his parents’ house for safe keeping so he took them with him.
At work, I decided to phone him around 10 or so to see if he made it safely to his parents’ house. Also I suppose I just wanted to see if he really went there AND I wanted to talk to my daughter. He didn’t answer the phone so I called his parents cell phone and home land line. No one was picking up. I waited and dialed them all again around 11 am and still no answer. My mind started racing. What if he is kidnapping my daughter? What if he waited for me to leave and circled back to the house to gather more of his things and our daughter’s clothes? He did say he might leave and move in with the parents!
On my lunch break I decided to go home and check the house. As I drove I seemed to recall bits of our conversations that made me fear even more that I could find empty closets when I got there. I was about to hyperventilate with anxiety when I pulled in the driveway and was relieved there wasn’t a U-Haul there or even his car. As the garage door slowly rose up I saw his good cross bike hanging on the wall and thought “thank God he has not been back!” I did a quick look around and drove back to work. On the drive he phoned me to tell me they had all been out visiting an animal rescue. I finally felt that YES he is probably doing what he said he would.
He was gone for two nights and I sure did enjoy the quiet stress free environment.
He came back on Saturday afternoon and left Beanie with me and went to the gym. Later in the evening he entertained her as I watched TV bored out of my mind….occasionally dosing off. When he came to bed it woke me and he apologized for disturbing me. I assured him that I was not happy about sleeping before 9 and that I was now wide awake so I was getting up. I retreated to my basement hide out to read.
Sunday we talked again for about 3 hours. He made an appointment to talk. He is now big into talking to me. He admitted that he did not love me when we got married. I guess I always knew that but didn’t want to believe it. Who the hell does that? He admitted he spent years being at mad at me because he wanted Rachel not me. He says he loves me now and will do anything to save our marriage.
As he sat there telling me how much our family means to him and how he still was hoping for a fresh start it still all seemed so emotionless. This isn’t a man who was heartbroken at losing his wife; this is a man that is playing the cards he thinks he should in order to preserve the situation because he feels it is in his best interest to do so.
I told him I would never believe that he loves me unless I was on my death bed and an Angel came to me and assured me he loved me and I awoke to find him crying at my feet begging me not to die. He assured me that he was INDEED crying at my feet now.
BLAH
Oh and get this…he told me he needed three months before he can move out so he can get a social network built up. Right now he has his parents and one other friend. He told me he needs more support in this transition. That he is going to go see a therapist and work on making more friends. Later in the day it occurred to me that what he was asking for was time to find some old girlfriends to date.
This morning he came down to my room to wake me. I was pissed that he even walked in. It’s my space….my safe spot. I chased him out. We argued some and then talked a bit. I had to phone in late to work AGAIN. I think the thing that makes me the angriest is how much of a lie it all was. And now he is coming clean which is really not what I need to hear. How can he live with himself knowing what he has done to my life? He says he was trying to do the right thing. I just don’t see how lying to someone for years can be the right thing!
Husband got up last Thursday morning, packed a bag and said he was going to stay with his parents for a few days. At first I was thrilled hoping he would be out of my hair soon. But then he got a beer out of the fridge and was just moping around the house. I went down stairs to find him standing in his workshop, beer in hand looking at his shotgun which was on the workbench. I asked him what he was doing and he said thinking. I told him I was not thrilled to find him at 8 am drinking a beer and looking at a gun. He brushed my concern off and said he wasn’t looking at the gun it just happened to be there. He plucked his xmas gifts off the shelf and started digging through them.
I told him I needed to go to work. He said “so go”. I told him I wanted him to leave first. He asked why. I told him I would feel better knowing I was last to leave. That I am somewhat concerned about what he might do. We ended up talking some more as he drank a few more beers. Not what I wanted to do at all. I had to tell work I was going to be late AGAIN! He promised he would not be violent or even mean that he just wants peace. I told him my fears may be irrational to him but they are my fears and they are very real to me. After draining 4 beers he finally left. I asked him to take the guns to his parents’ house for safe keeping so he took them with him.
At work, I decided to phone him around 10 or so to see if he made it safely to his parents’ house. Also I suppose I just wanted to see if he really went there AND I wanted to talk to my daughter. He didn’t answer the phone so I called his parents cell phone and home land line. No one was picking up. I waited and dialed them all again around 11 am and still no answer. My mind started racing. What if he is kidnapping my daughter? What if he waited for me to leave and circled back to the house to gather more of his things and our daughter’s clothes? He did say he might leave and move in with the parents!
On my lunch break I decided to go home and check the house. As I drove I seemed to recall bits of our conversations that made me fear even more that I could find empty closets when I got there. I was about to hyperventilate with anxiety when I pulled in the driveway and was relieved there wasn’t a U-Haul there or even his car. As the garage door slowly rose up I saw his good cross bike hanging on the wall and thought “thank God he has not been back!” I did a quick look around and drove back to work. On the drive he phoned me to tell me they had all been out visiting an animal rescue. I finally felt that YES he is probably doing what he said he would.
He was gone for two nights and I sure did enjoy the quiet stress free environment.
He came back on Saturday afternoon and left Beanie with me and went to the gym. Later in the evening he entertained her as I watched TV bored out of my mind….occasionally dosing off. When he came to bed it woke me and he apologized for disturbing me. I assured him that I was not happy about sleeping before 9 and that I was now wide awake so I was getting up. I retreated to my basement hide out to read.
Sunday we talked again for about 3 hours. He made an appointment to talk. He is now big into talking to me. He admitted that he did not love me when we got married. I guess I always knew that but didn’t want to believe it. Who the hell does that? He admitted he spent years being at mad at me because he wanted Rachel not me. He says he loves me now and will do anything to save our marriage.
As he sat there telling me how much our family means to him and how he still was hoping for a fresh start it still all seemed so emotionless. This isn’t a man who was heartbroken at losing his wife; this is a man that is playing the cards he thinks he should in order to preserve the situation because he feels it is in his best interest to do so.
I told him I would never believe that he loves me unless I was on my death bed and an Angel came to me and assured me he loved me and I awoke to find him crying at my feet begging me not to die. He assured me that he was INDEED crying at my feet now.
BLAH
Oh and get this…he told me he needed three months before he can move out so he can get a social network built up. Right now he has his parents and one other friend. He told me he needs more support in this transition. That he is going to go see a therapist and work on making more friends. Later in the day it occurred to me that what he was asking for was time to find some old girlfriends to date.
This morning he came down to my room to wake me. I was pissed that he even walked in. It’s my space….my safe spot. I chased him out. We argued some and then talked a bit. I had to phone in late to work AGAIN. I think the thing that makes me the angriest is how much of a lie it all was. And now he is coming clean which is really not what I need to hear. How can he live with himself knowing what he has done to my life? He says he was trying to do the right thing. I just don’t see how lying to someone for years can be the right thing!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
SHIT HITS THE FAN
As predicted, last night was a shit storm. I left work at 5, went to the bank to deposit a check, got gas and a bottle of wine and went home. There I found him drinking a beer in the mood for confrontation.
I asked him how dropping off our daughter with G&G went and we had a moment of light conversation. I was opening my wine when I counted 5 bottle caps on the counter.
“Have you had 5 beers already?” Husband responds “NO MORE!”
I open the fridge to find a 6 pack with one beer gone. So he was on number 7. Evidently he started drinking at noon and drove to drop off our daughter while intoxicated which did not sit well with me at all.
“Why so many beers?” I asked. He responded that he knew we were going to talk divorce.
So we sat and talked as best we could. Communication has never been easy for us. He asked for a year to work things out and turn our marriage around. I told him it was too late; that he had 7 years to work on our marriage and he chose not to and now it is too late.
I quizzed him about meeting his parents while drunk. He said they knew, that he had already told them we were getting divorced. WTF?!?
He said the phone bill shocked him and asked why I didn’t call him instead of others. I told him “you never answer your phone”. He agreed.
I told him how our relationship is toxic for me and how most everything he does hurts my feelings. He said he would change. I told him it is who you are and you can’t change it. It is not bad or wrong, it just doesn’t work for me. I was raised in an abusive household where I was not given love. I can’t live with a person that doesn’t know how to share or express love and affection for me.
He asked me what the plan is. I told him I didn’t have one. He really was drunk enough that talking seemed almost pointless. I did open my wine and sip a glass as we sat there.
Honestly he didn’t seem that upset; just drunk and stupid and trying to figure out what to say. He said it is not what he wants but if my mind is made up then so be it. I really never know if I should believe a word he says. He doesn’t have a big history of honesty.
At one point he said “I wish you would have talked to me sooner.” I had to control my temper as I reminded him of the many times I had tried to talk to him and he just shut me out. I reminded him of when we went to couples therapy and he didn't participate. He again agreed.
At some point he made reference to the fact that he would get half the proceeds on the house and we should sell it. I told him no…I owned this house way before I ever met him and it is MY house. It really hacked me off and I told him the conversation was over. I hope he backs down on this one. I know I need to talk to an attorney but this time of the year everyone is on holiday.
So I went down stairs to drink more wine by myself in my bedroom and text my running buddy that once again I would not be at the morning run.
Husband went in our bedroom, locked the door and passed out.
The hardest thing for me right now is just fear. Fear of what he might do. He assured me that he will not do anything crazy or violent and that our daughter is his first priority. I on the other hand was raised in a house where I feared for my life so I have a very deep mistrust of most people especially when they are stressed or upset.
I politely requested that he keep me informed as to what he is up to; to let me know if he quits his job or plans to move out. (Last time he quit his job he didn't discuss it with me at all.) At some point he did mention leaving town and moving in with his folks. I hope that was just drunk blabbering to see how I would react.
He seemed shocked that I was so stoic. I think he expected me to be more emotional like I used to be. I think he missed being able to push my buttons.
I asked him how dropping off our daughter with G&G went and we had a moment of light conversation. I was opening my wine when I counted 5 bottle caps on the counter.
“Have you had 5 beers already?” Husband responds “NO MORE!”
I open the fridge to find a 6 pack with one beer gone. So he was on number 7. Evidently he started drinking at noon and drove to drop off our daughter while intoxicated which did not sit well with me at all.
“Why so many beers?” I asked. He responded that he knew we were going to talk divorce.
So we sat and talked as best we could. Communication has never been easy for us. He asked for a year to work things out and turn our marriage around. I told him it was too late; that he had 7 years to work on our marriage and he chose not to and now it is too late.
I quizzed him about meeting his parents while drunk. He said they knew, that he had already told them we were getting divorced. WTF?!?
He said the phone bill shocked him and asked why I didn’t call him instead of others. I told him “you never answer your phone”. He agreed.
I told him how our relationship is toxic for me and how most everything he does hurts my feelings. He said he would change. I told him it is who you are and you can’t change it. It is not bad or wrong, it just doesn’t work for me. I was raised in an abusive household where I was not given love. I can’t live with a person that doesn’t know how to share or express love and affection for me.
He asked me what the plan is. I told him I didn’t have one. He really was drunk enough that talking seemed almost pointless. I did open my wine and sip a glass as we sat there.
Honestly he didn’t seem that upset; just drunk and stupid and trying to figure out what to say. He said it is not what he wants but if my mind is made up then so be it. I really never know if I should believe a word he says. He doesn’t have a big history of honesty.
At one point he said “I wish you would have talked to me sooner.” I had to control my temper as I reminded him of the many times I had tried to talk to him and he just shut me out. I reminded him of when we went to couples therapy and he didn't participate. He again agreed.
At some point he made reference to the fact that he would get half the proceeds on the house and we should sell it. I told him no…I owned this house way before I ever met him and it is MY house. It really hacked me off and I told him the conversation was over. I hope he backs down on this one. I know I need to talk to an attorney but this time of the year everyone is on holiday.
So I went down stairs to drink more wine by myself in my bedroom and text my running buddy that once again I would not be at the morning run.
Husband went in our bedroom, locked the door and passed out.
The hardest thing for me right now is just fear. Fear of what he might do. He assured me that he will not do anything crazy or violent and that our daughter is his first priority. I on the other hand was raised in a house where I feared for my life so I have a very deep mistrust of most people especially when they are stressed or upset.
I politely requested that he keep me informed as to what he is up to; to let me know if he quits his job or plans to move out. (Last time he quit his job he didn't discuss it with me at all.) At some point he did mention leaving town and moving in with his folks. I hope that was just drunk blabbering to see how I would react.
He seemed shocked that I was so stoic. I think he expected me to be more emotional like I used to be. I think he missed being able to push my buttons.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Fan is on....
In the last few weeks I have pretty much decided that after the holidays I was going to have serious talk with Husband and request that he move out. I would gladly leave but I own the house.
This summer it really sunk in that no matter how hard I try to fix things or try to accept what we have and make the best of it, this marriage is not working for me. In fact it is hurting me and dragging me down. My husband’s needs and my needs do not work together, they work against each other.
For 7 years I have done my best to make this relationship work for me and I have been unsuccessful and I think it is finally time to cut my losses and move on.
I really didn’t mean to fuck up Christmas for anyone but it looks like I am about to. You see, KP and I talk a lot (as I have stated in previous posts) and my husband and I share minutes on our phone plan. He pays the phone bill and I just use the phone. I knew that talking on the phone a lot would leave an obvious trail of who I was talking to and for how long but I had neglected to take into account the number of minutes we were using.
This morning my husband emailed me to tell me that the phone company sent him an alert because we were way over on our minutes. This prompted him to look on line at the bill and see what I have been up to. This in turn prompted him to email me that he was very upset about the phone bill and we need to talk.
So tonight we will talk and I will tell him that I am done. That I don’t have any gas left in my tank for this relationship. And whenever I start to feel bad for “doing” this to him all I have to do is think of the many MANY times he has been a jerk to me. There are so many I could not even count; from cheating on me when we were dating and I was pregnant to sneaking out of the basement and leaving the house last winter. It is all a joke really. It has never been a REAL relationship in my mind. I wanted my daughter to have a father and not grow up fatherless like I did. I wanted to have a REAL family so bad that I put up with way too much crap to stay with him.
And now I am done and he is going to blame it all on me. I will be the guy who cheated and ended the marriage. I will be the person who didn’t give him a chance when he finally woke up to the reality that you can’t ignore a problem to fix it.
I am NOT going to feel bad for him. He had 7 years to try harder and now it is TOO LATE!
This summer it really sunk in that no matter how hard I try to fix things or try to accept what we have and make the best of it, this marriage is not working for me. In fact it is hurting me and dragging me down. My husband’s needs and my needs do not work together, they work against each other.
For 7 years I have done my best to make this relationship work for me and I have been unsuccessful and I think it is finally time to cut my losses and move on.
I really didn’t mean to fuck up Christmas for anyone but it looks like I am about to. You see, KP and I talk a lot (as I have stated in previous posts) and my husband and I share minutes on our phone plan. He pays the phone bill and I just use the phone. I knew that talking on the phone a lot would leave an obvious trail of who I was talking to and for how long but I had neglected to take into account the number of minutes we were using.
This morning my husband emailed me to tell me that the phone company sent him an alert because we were way over on our minutes. This prompted him to look on line at the bill and see what I have been up to. This in turn prompted him to email me that he was very upset about the phone bill and we need to talk.
So tonight we will talk and I will tell him that I am done. That I don’t have any gas left in my tank for this relationship. And whenever I start to feel bad for “doing” this to him all I have to do is think of the many MANY times he has been a jerk to me. There are so many I could not even count; from cheating on me when we were dating and I was pregnant to sneaking out of the basement and leaving the house last winter. It is all a joke really. It has never been a REAL relationship in my mind. I wanted my daughter to have a father and not grow up fatherless like I did. I wanted to have a REAL family so bad that I put up with way too much crap to stay with him.
And now I am done and he is going to blame it all on me. I will be the guy who cheated and ended the marriage. I will be the person who didn’t give him a chance when he finally woke up to the reality that you can’t ignore a problem to fix it.
I am NOT going to feel bad for him. He had 7 years to try harder and now it is TOO LATE!
Monday, December 16, 2013
I Deserve Better
For a long time I have been struggling with the idea of getting divorced and being alone for the rest of my life. I know there is a chance that I will find real love but I know that at my age it is not particularly likely or a given.
However, like a sledge hammer, it finally hit me…..I deserve a real relationship and if I can’t have that I deserve to be free to do as I please without the confines of marriage or living with someone who drags me down emotionally.
I deserve better!
I deserve a real relationship.
I deserve to feel loved and that I am part of a “couple”.
I deserve to be heard, valued and respected.
I deserve a significant other that makes me happy not depressed. Or I at least deserve to be free to be myself and have my own life.
It kind of struck me this weekend that I keep telling people my husband is now better than he was in the past, that he is not as mean as he used to be. But being around KP has brought back some perspective and you know what….I don’t think husband is notably better, I just got used to his behavior and quit taking it personally.
The ignoring me, not saying hello or good-bye; he still does that; I just don’t give it a thought anymore. The always doing something without me; yeah he still does that but he does help me more with our daughter and allow me more freedom which makes it easier to swallow.
In the final analysis I have just come to expect and accept his lowly way of living and I really do not need to settle for this. I need to get away from him before he whittles down every last shred of self-esteem and expectation for my own life that I possess!
I have 3 New Year’s resolutions:
1) Get divorced
2) Get a new job
3) Get back into an eating and exercising routine that is HEALTHY for me.
So I plan to ask him to move out after the holidays. And for once I feel strong enough to actually do it. In fact, I am looking forward to reclaiming my life.
However, like a sledge hammer, it finally hit me…..I deserve a real relationship and if I can’t have that I deserve to be free to do as I please without the confines of marriage or living with someone who drags me down emotionally.
I deserve better!
I deserve a real relationship.
I deserve to feel loved and that I am part of a “couple”.
I deserve to be heard, valued and respected.
I deserve a significant other that makes me happy not depressed. Or I at least deserve to be free to be myself and have my own life.
It kind of struck me this weekend that I keep telling people my husband is now better than he was in the past, that he is not as mean as he used to be. But being around KP has brought back some perspective and you know what….I don’t think husband is notably better, I just got used to his behavior and quit taking it personally.
The ignoring me, not saying hello or good-bye; he still does that; I just don’t give it a thought anymore. The always doing something without me; yeah he still does that but he does help me more with our daughter and allow me more freedom which makes it easier to swallow.
In the final analysis I have just come to expect and accept his lowly way of living and I really do not need to settle for this. I need to get away from him before he whittles down every last shred of self-esteem and expectation for my own life that I possess!
I have 3 New Year’s resolutions:
1) Get divorced
2) Get a new job
3) Get back into an eating and exercising routine that is HEALTHY for me.
So I plan to ask him to move out after the holidays. And for once I feel strong enough to actually do it. In fact, I am looking forward to reclaiming my life.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
A Phone Call You Do Not Want To Get
It’s 2 pm and I’m way behind here at work. I’ve been meaning to write all day long but I’m just in a fog. The day didn’t start good and then it got much worse.
I was sound asleep and suddenly awoke from an odd dream. I checked the time and it was 4:44….one minute and my alarm would go off. I got up and put on layers of running gear. The thermometer read 11 degrees and I thought I could hear the wind howling outside. I texted my running partner and she advised that with the wind chill it is a whopping ZERO degrees and she was bagging the run. I finished getting ready and vowed to run unless the flag was blowing straight out at the top of the hill.
Once in the car I saw the flag bobbing and remembered it had been acting funny. It is not hanging correctly for some reason and hasn’t moved in a week. But I could tell it was windy and I am still recovering from a terrible cold so I just decided to say screw the run and go over and cuddle with KP.
Once I got to his house I settle my dog at the foot of the bed and crawled in bed with him and Binky (his tiny little dog). I tucked my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me and soon we both dozed off. Next thing you know it is an hour later and time to get ready for work. He had a meeting to get to and had to leave the house by 7:15 at the latest!
I showed while he shaved and then he showed up quickly. We both got ready and started our cars to warm up. It was now 7:10 and we sat on the couch for our last 5 minutes together. At 7:15 he looked at his watch and said “shit it’s time to go” and RIGHT then his phone rang.
He picked up quickly and answered it as he muttered “it’s Jordon”. I could hear her sobbing as he asked her what was wrong. He then told her to calm down because he couldn’t understand. When he talks to her he uses the same loving soothing tones he uses with me. She is so lucky to have such a wonderful father. He would do ANYTHING for her. She kept sobbing and I figured she had wrecked her car. He bought her a new car when she left for college. She made great grades and earned scholarships and he is so very proud of her.
She sobbed some words and he stood up and let out an audible gasp of horror. I sat there and listened and felt his mood move from concern to shock as he started pacing. She gave him some phone numbers and he asked if she wanted him to come get her. He told her he would be there as soon as he could and he would call her back in a few minutes and hung up.
I looked at him and he sat back down next to me and told me…… Jordon’s mom is dead. Yes his ex-wife, the mother of his kids, Gage’s grandma…DEAD!!
As usual my first thought is NO WAY can this be true. He seemed to believe it. He told me he was going to go get Jordon and bring her home. He then made two quick work calls to cancel his meeting and tell his boss he would not be at work. He then had to call his eldest Aaron.
I sat next to him holding his leg as he phoned Aaron and told him. I heard Aaron break down in tears and I watched my strong man start to cry too. They talked a bit and when he got off the phone we held each other as he told me how close Aaron was to his mom and how much it hurts to see his kids go through this. We both cried and I fetched the Kleenex from the bathroom and cried some more.
He asked me if it would be inappropriate to call the ex-wife’s live in boyfriend to find out the details. I told him I don’t think he would mind; so he did. The women died in her sleep on the couch last night. She was very overweight and not in great health. She was only 45 years old!
We then scurried around to straighten up the house for company and he grabbed his phone charger. I handed him the box of tissues and said “take these you will need them”. Off we drove, me to work and him to fetch his lovely young daughter so she could come home to bury her mother.
It’s heart breaking. I never met the woman but my ex-husband has worked with her for the past 15 years. I talked to him briefly this morning and the whole office is in shock. She was a very upbeat and happy lady and a great social worker. They will all miss her.
I told KP to call me if he needs anything and to know I am here for him. This stuff really makes you take note of what is really important in life!
I was sound asleep and suddenly awoke from an odd dream. I checked the time and it was 4:44….one minute and my alarm would go off. I got up and put on layers of running gear. The thermometer read 11 degrees and I thought I could hear the wind howling outside. I texted my running partner and she advised that with the wind chill it is a whopping ZERO degrees and she was bagging the run. I finished getting ready and vowed to run unless the flag was blowing straight out at the top of the hill.
Once in the car I saw the flag bobbing and remembered it had been acting funny. It is not hanging correctly for some reason and hasn’t moved in a week. But I could tell it was windy and I am still recovering from a terrible cold so I just decided to say screw the run and go over and cuddle with KP.
Once I got to his house I settle my dog at the foot of the bed and crawled in bed with him and Binky (his tiny little dog). I tucked my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me and soon we both dozed off. Next thing you know it is an hour later and time to get ready for work. He had a meeting to get to and had to leave the house by 7:15 at the latest!
I showed while he shaved and then he showed up quickly. We both got ready and started our cars to warm up. It was now 7:10 and we sat on the couch for our last 5 minutes together. At 7:15 he looked at his watch and said “shit it’s time to go” and RIGHT then his phone rang.
He picked up quickly and answered it as he muttered “it’s Jordon”. I could hear her sobbing as he asked her what was wrong. He then told her to calm down because he couldn’t understand. When he talks to her he uses the same loving soothing tones he uses with me. She is so lucky to have such a wonderful father. He would do ANYTHING for her. She kept sobbing and I figured she had wrecked her car. He bought her a new car when she left for college. She made great grades and earned scholarships and he is so very proud of her.
She sobbed some words and he stood up and let out an audible gasp of horror. I sat there and listened and felt his mood move from concern to shock as he started pacing. She gave him some phone numbers and he asked if she wanted him to come get her. He told her he would be there as soon as he could and he would call her back in a few minutes and hung up.
I looked at him and he sat back down next to me and told me…… Jordon’s mom is dead. Yes his ex-wife, the mother of his kids, Gage’s grandma…DEAD!!
As usual my first thought is NO WAY can this be true. He seemed to believe it. He told me he was going to go get Jordon and bring her home. He then made two quick work calls to cancel his meeting and tell his boss he would not be at work. He then had to call his eldest Aaron.
I sat next to him holding his leg as he phoned Aaron and told him. I heard Aaron break down in tears and I watched my strong man start to cry too. They talked a bit and when he got off the phone we held each other as he told me how close Aaron was to his mom and how much it hurts to see his kids go through this. We both cried and I fetched the Kleenex from the bathroom and cried some more.
He asked me if it would be inappropriate to call the ex-wife’s live in boyfriend to find out the details. I told him I don’t think he would mind; so he did. The women died in her sleep on the couch last night. She was very overweight and not in great health. She was only 45 years old!
We then scurried around to straighten up the house for company and he grabbed his phone charger. I handed him the box of tissues and said “take these you will need them”. Off we drove, me to work and him to fetch his lovely young daughter so she could come home to bury her mother.
It’s heart breaking. I never met the woman but my ex-husband has worked with her for the past 15 years. I talked to him briefly this morning and the whole office is in shock. She was a very upbeat and happy lady and a great social worker. They will all miss her.
I told KP to call me if he needs anything and to know I am here for him. This stuff really makes you take note of what is really important in life!
Friday, December 6, 2013
I AM SICK
Went to a new therapist yesterday because George is hyper focused on my marriage and I think I just want a therapist to help with my child abuse issues. This new therapist totally reminded me of Uwe’s girlfriend…..so she was doomed from the get go.
BUT I sat there for 55 minutes and tried to inform her of the issues I am battling. I did a quick recap of my life and a list of my concerns. She listened but did not really seem that interested in helping. I left her office and cried all the way home.
My life is really pathetic! Listening to myself I kept thinking how ridiculous it all is. I mean really I have 4 children with three different men ranging in age 31 to 6. I am in a loveless marriage and admittedly got married for all the wrong reasons. I am almost 50 years old and I am so ridiculously dysfunctional.
I don’t know who I am. I am emotionally detached from myself yet always on the verge of a total emotional breakdown.
She asked me if I have a support system or a good friend to lean on. I told her not really. I mean I have KP and that is about it but that is all still relatively new. Again how sad and depressing is it that at this point in my life I am so damn alone?
I had to pay for parking!
Husband was sick and now I am sick. I feel like crap and it makes everything seem worse.
EVERYTHING
My head is stuffy and I feel drained of all energy. I am achy and coughing up my lungs. I just want to be in bed but instead I am here at work because someone has to be and I told my assistant she could have Friday off.
KP is out of town for the weekend. I miss him already. He is my rock…the only thing that keeps me going. Well him and the kids. Seriously if it weren't for the kids I would just check out of this shitty life and be done with it.
BUT I sat there for 55 minutes and tried to inform her of the issues I am battling. I did a quick recap of my life and a list of my concerns. She listened but did not really seem that interested in helping. I left her office and cried all the way home.
My life is really pathetic! Listening to myself I kept thinking how ridiculous it all is. I mean really I have 4 children with three different men ranging in age 31 to 6. I am in a loveless marriage and admittedly got married for all the wrong reasons. I am almost 50 years old and I am so ridiculously dysfunctional.
I don’t know who I am. I am emotionally detached from myself yet always on the verge of a total emotional breakdown.
She asked me if I have a support system or a good friend to lean on. I told her not really. I mean I have KP and that is about it but that is all still relatively new. Again how sad and depressing is it that at this point in my life I am so damn alone?
I had to pay for parking!
Husband was sick and now I am sick. I feel like crap and it makes everything seem worse.
EVERYTHING
My head is stuffy and I feel drained of all energy. I am achy and coughing up my lungs. I just want to be in bed but instead I am here at work because someone has to be and I told my assistant she could have Friday off.
KP is out of town for the weekend. I miss him already. He is my rock…the only thing that keeps me going. Well him and the kids. Seriously if it weren't for the kids I would just check out of this shitty life and be done with it.
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