Feeling sick to my stomach now!

At 2 pm today I get this (names have been changed) on my other blog...the family friendly one that my mother reads:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Today, I got up at 5:30 am so I could meet Karla a...":

"Searching"-I read a lot of running blogs and I found yours through one called "Love to Run". What does this mean???? Sounds hokey to me!!!

Reading through some of your posts, I see that you enjoy running as well. I didn't know this about you. Running has always been a solace for me; a way to bring balance back into my life after a chaotic day. I enjoy reading about people's running experiences.

Anyway, I wasn't sure whether to leave a comment or not, but I just wanted to tell you that your little girl is so adorable. You are very lucky and seem to be a great mom.

"x-boyfriend" told me that you got married last year. Congratulations, you were a beautiful bride and I love the outdoor fall theme. I also really like your ring. It is very simple, yet unique, so much better then the big gaudy ones you see these days.

Take care. Tara this is his wife

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My question is WHY? why does she bother.....why does she feel compelled to contact me?
Why make me sick......just leave me alone!!!

And the Husband of the Year Is........

So lately, my husband has been so incredibly wonderful that I am stopping to pinch myself and make sure I am awake.

Exhibit A: Last Friday, I came home and there were flowers on my night stand. A dozen roses!! Now I have only been given flower a couple of times in my life so this totally blew me away. And it is so totally out of character for my husband. On the other hand, he got them at Wal-Mart while he was doing the weekly shopping so I know they were not super expensive, which is totally his character. Probably just saw them and decided to be nice; which is soooo cool. (Also, I figure his ex-wife probably trained him that flowers were something a man should do for his wife once in a while...she was conventional like that.)

Exhibit B: Yesterday after the dentist fiasco, he sent me a sympathetic and kind email. He was obviously trying to be sweet and supportive. Then, to top it all off, last night, when I got home, he had saved me a beer. He knew I had a rotten day and assumed I would appreciate a beer so he did not drink the last one, but instead left it for me. That was considerate of him and being an only child, not used to sharing; I know this was a huge gesture. (Yea, he gave up the no drinking....but that’s another post for another day)

Exhibit C: He has been so helpful around the house and with The Bean. In the morning he will dress her and get her ready for school. He will make her scrambled eggs for breakfast. In the evening he has been picking her up from school and giving her a bath. Pretty much I waltz in the house and chat everyone up and there is little to no work to do. We all go to bed at 8 and watch TV and cuddle until each of us falls asleep.

He is only working part time, so his life is pretty simple right now, which may be contributing to his super duper niceness. Maybe it is all a New Year’s resolution that he made. I’m defiantly NOT getting the feeling he is doing it out of guilt or to cover up any wrong doings. And, it is a shame that I can’t have this conversation without bringing that up. Then again, I am sure that many a man has been super nice to his wife in an effort to feel better about the affair he is having behind her back.

See, this is where being old a jaded comes in. I always have to flip the coin over and look at the other side. I can’t just be happy and enjoy what is good without thinking about how lucky and temporary it is and how I know it will pass. I can never totally feel content because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. This, for me anyway, seems to be a huge part of getting older. I have lost my youthful optimism and I assume that all silver linings are accompanied by a big black cloud. That bad shit will happen again and again and this is just a lull in the action.

But, most importantly, I am very happy right now. I am very much in love with my family and my husband. I know my glass is more than half full and I am so super duper grateful.

Don't you just hate going to the dentist???

This morning I went to a new dentist. I had high hopes……which, no doubt, only set me up for even bigger disappointment. I have been around for a few years and should know better. This was a new dental group in a new building and it looked so nice, clean, new, organized and efficient. Well, you have to pay for all that and here is how they do it. They look in your mouth and instead of saying “what is really wrong here and what can we keep because god knows, the longer you keep your real teeth the better?” They say “what kind of expensive procedures can I talk this stupid sap into paying for so I can line my pockets and pay for this fancy equipment?”

I will be going back to the old dentist…….in the old crumbly building………at least they can respect my teeth and actually care about keeping them in my mouth more than paying for the new computers they just purchased.

Thinking out loud......

Women are usually fairly outgoing and pretty good communicators. Men generally are less so, and I know and understand that, but my husband is ridiculous. I have finally decided that somewhere along in his life he decided that if he told no one anything that was going on in his life, or his mind, he would never have to explain or answer or justify or discuss anything he did. And that is how he operates, how he likes it. I used to think he was being sneaky just with me, but now I know he is this way with everyone. He gets stuff from the library and I never see it and if I ask what books he got he accuses me of being nosy. He talks to his parents and does not relay a single word of it to me. He quits his job or takes a new part time job and doesn’t consult me or discuss the merits, just leaves his key on his desk and goes. His secretary actually texted him and asked if he had quit!! At times, he totally drives me nuts.

The past still keeps coming up. I had dreams again last night and woke up and thought some more about the x-boyfriend and everything. Lately, I have been thinking that our closeness was artificial because he was recently divorced and feeling hurt by all that. In other words, I was just a rebound thing. Also, I keep thinking that he was barely 30 years old, so maybe he said or did things he later regretted and in his mind, he was just being young and stupid. I am pretty sure that at some point in my past I probably professed some great love for someone and didn’t mean it. I was just carried away at the time.

Anyhow, I know that this is all ancient history, going on 10 years now and I can’t believe I still think about it and have hurt feelings over it. The x-boyfriends wife keeps a blog and I can’t even read it. It just stirs up too much in my mind. I have read it enough in the past, when I first found it, to know that I am not impressed with her all that much. She is younger though so that is part of it, she seems very childish to me.

I am still pretty sure that what really happened is he had a chance to get a younger, prettier women (with less kids) and I pissed away my chances of keeping him by reacting all wrong when he was going through the decisions phase. I just wish I could stop thinking about it. Wish I could erase it all from my mind. Have you ever seen the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? It is no wonder it is one of my favorite movies ever!

I wish I was so insanely happy now that I didn’t still care about anything I had before. Truth be told I am still in love with him and I can’t figure out how to stop!! On second thought, maybe I am not so much still in love with him as I am in love with what we had at that time. It was, at least I thought it was, so pure, so simple and so deeply beautiful. I still think we had a love that was greater than most people ever experience. I suppose I should just be glad to have ever had it at all. Maybe things so beautiful can’t last and are doomed to failure.....

Life is Fun?

What do I do that is fun?.....What fun do I have?

I guess running with my running friends is fun and I get to do that normally. Thanks to the weather and my surgery, it has been over a month since I got to have this fun.

I rent movies from Netflix, but that really isn’t fun. If I want to watch a movie, I have to wait until my child is in bed and then I can start the movie. She usually doesn’t go to bed until between 8 and 9 and she gets up around 6 am; so generally, even if I start a move at 9, I can’t stay awake to finish it. And, on top of the toddler problem, I also have the husband problem. He tends to not want to watch most of the movies I want to watch, so I end up watching them alone. SO, a movie also cuts into any couple time we might be able to get away with which is totally rare when your toddler sleeps from 9-6.

I used to ride my bike for fun. Now it is hard to make time to ride since I have a toddler (and its winter).

I used to go out with friends.....husband + toddler = no social life!

I love, absolutely love to travel. But, since I got pregnant, I have not gone on a single trip. It has been 3 years now. In fact, I missed my period right as I was leaving for Colorado in February of 2007 and that was my last trip. I went to the doctor when I got home and found out I was not alone, I had a Bean in the oven!

I could go on a trip now, but the economy is so jacked up I feel I need to save my money for house payments should I lose my job. My husband is sort of not working right now and that is a bit scary too.

I used to have fun with my husband.....well, back then he was my boyfriend.....and back then we didn’t have a toddler.

Golly, I sure make it sound like having a toddler has ruined my life. And that is not how I feel at all. I love my daughter and she brings me great joy, but, she is not really “fun”. She is work. She is rewarding work that makes me feel grounded and needed. She keeps life in perspective.

Maybe the moral of the story is that I need to MAKE time for some fun once in a while so I don’t get so bunched up and crabby feeling that I never have any!

Deep freeze in the mid of the USA

So far this year, the temperature has not gotten over 20 degrees......at all. Even in the middle of the day.
In fact, last night, it got down to NEGATIVE 14 DEGREES!!
The sun has not been out much either.

This weather is depressing!!

Happy New Year

2010 New Year’s resolutions: (because everyone else does it you feel compelled to make a list)

1) Attitude: I will strive to do a better job at maintaining a positive outlook at all times. Being negative is counterproductive and I know it.

2) Drinking: my husband has decided to abstain completely. I think it would be good for me to join him. A very healthy choice. (not promising to never drink, just really cut it back)

3) Parenting 1: Cook dinner and invite Monster over more often……hell, it is the only way I will get to see him.

4) Parenting 2: go visit Friss more often and diligently send him copies of my blog entries. He loves to get mail.

5) Parenting 3: Ramone, being a 14 year old girl, needs guidance and attention and I need to work harder at giving it to her more often.

6) Parenting 4: do more stuff with Bean...even if I am bored to death (cause doing toddler stuff can get old)...but I know my attention helps makes her a happy healthy human being.

7) Spouceing: Sex is very important to my husband and, like most families with small children; we never have enough “adult” time. We need to make time for our relationship; for sex and other adult activities that we want to do with each other.

8) Working: Do a good job, be agreeable, get better organized and streamlined. Get it all in order in case I need to leave FAST.

9) Family: visit my mother more often even if she gets on my last nerve. She won’t be around much longer and you know, that just totally freaks me out.

10) Exercise: Run, bike and lift like I should……don’t just think about it, don’t just plan it, but actually do it. By golly, you paid for a gym membership and you need to use it – REGULARLY!

11) Organization: continue to be better organized around the house and at work. I am so much happier when things are in order but sometimes creating order is overwhelming and maintaining it is just a lot of work.

12) In laws: facilitate monthly visits…..at a bare minimum Bean should see her Grandparents once a month. She is their one and only grandchild so I want them to have as much time with her as possible.

13) Teeth: Floss and brush more!!

14) Health: Eat less sugar and more vegetables.