Weight Loss Rant

Last week I was in “taper” mode for my race.  I was letting my legs rest so instead of running 6 hard miles on Tuesday and Thursday, I only did 4 easy miles.  I skipped all weight lifting and only biked once and it was a slow easy relaxing ride.

Also last week, I implemented a full blown calorie reduction plan so I can lose my love handles before we go to Cancun in July.  Time is running out and it’s time to knuckle down and eat right so I can don a swim suit on a beach and not feel like a frumpy old mom.

Last week I did great…while tapering…..I stuck to my calorie plan.  I ate my 1500 or less calories per day….except 2000 on the day I biked and ran.  By the weekend I was feeling thinner, svelte.

This week I cannot stick to my calorie plan at all.  I am freakin’ starving to death and can’t reel it in.  I am talking dizzy, head ache hungry, not just wanting to eat but NEEDING to eat.  This week I am back to running hard and biking hard and lifting weights.

I am seriously just going to have to quit working out for a few weeks to whittle my weight back down to where it should be.  I packed on 5 pounds over winter and can’t shake it as long as I am training.

I hate when people say you HAVE to exercise to lose weight.  WRONG, you have to run your body with a calorie deficit to lose weight and it’s a lot easier to do that if you are NOT exercising.

Grumble

Memorial Day Holiday

Monday and we don't have to work (yippy) so we went to the *beach*.

(A local public swimming lake.)

It was a good day.

Attempting Family Time

This morning I decided to ask the husband if we could do a little family bike ride before it got too hot out.  The forecast called for highs in the upper 90s (again). I wanted to get my legs moving but knew running would probably hurt too much.  (Races always leave me sorer than training runs and I have no idea why.)  But even more importantly I really wanted to make an effort to have more family time.

Old photo of me pulling Beanie in our trailer.

So after everyone was up and ready, we packed our bikes and the trailer to the local trail head.  While we unloaded the car, pumped up tires and set up the trailer & child, husband made a comment about how much work it was.  I didn’t respond but I thought to myself …yea, I know, that is why I don’t do this more often even though you frequently nag me to take her out in the trailer so I can bike more often.

Once we got everything assembled and ready to go, we mounted our bikes and husband hit the trail at breakneck speed.  I followed behind peddling vigorously in an effort to keep up.  After a short while I realized how ridiculous this was….this was supposed to be a fun family ride, not a race.  So, I pulled up next to him and gently asked if we could slow down a bit.  He brushed me off by telling me to get back there and draft.  I wanted to chat and enjoy myself not get a workout so this was not cool with me.  So, I got back there and decided that I would just ride the speed I wanted and if he had to go fast he could ditch me.

After a bit he realized I was biking slower and he slowed down too. But once I caught back up to him he then kept going REALLY slowly.  Now he was going way too slow.  I knew he was just being a jerk but I was trying to have fun so with a smile I said happily “can we split the difference?”  He then suggested I take the lead so I could set the pace.  I told him I really did not want to be in front because I like to stay behind the trailer to make sure the Bean is OK.  (Besides, I had no idea where he was planning to go or what he wanted to do.  I was literally following his lead.)

By now my hopes of having a fun family time are diminishing and I am clinging desperately to any sort of happy mood I had started with. 

So, he sped up a bit and I got back behind him and we rode at a more pleasant pace.  As we got further out of town and there were less people on the trail, I pulled up alongside of him so we could chat.  On a casual bike outing it is normal to enjoy conversing with your companion.  I don’t remember exactly what I was talking about but he was not particularly interested and I could tell.   Sigh.

Trying to think of things he would relate to I asked him how his back was.  He told me not good, that pulling the trailer was particularly hard on it.  (He has had a herniated disc for over a year now.) I then offered to pull the trailer myself but he said no.  I also suggested we could head back if he wanted, but he insisted we keep going.

Not long after that, he comes to a screeching halt and jumps off his bike.  By the time I figured out he was stopping and reacted I was some 15 yards in front of him.  He was pointing at something beside the trail so I turned around; heading back towards him, to see what was up.  I hardly started in his direction when I realized that he was pointing out a snake to Beanie.   Suddenly he declared it was gone, hopped on his bike and sped off again blasting past me in our original direction.  I then stopped, turned my bike back around and started playing catch up to him again.  He was at least 10 bike lengths in front of me at this point.  He was not waiting for me at all.  This whole time he had not said a word to me or even looked at me.  It was like I was not even there.   I was over trying to have fun.  I just wanted to cry.

As I road alone way behind him I thought to myself…...this is no fun at all.  This is why we don’t do family time.  This is why I just go do something on my own instead of attempting to spend time with him.  I fought back the tears as I biked along………him way out in front of me.  I was totally deflated of any hopes for a good time.

A mile or so later Beanie started begging to go to a play ground so husband stopped.  I could see his back was still bothering him and again I suggested we just go home.  He said no and turned around heading for the nearest playground which was another 3 or 4 miles.  I followed and this time he kept a decent pace and I just rode along behind him enjoying my ride as best I could.

At the park Beanie played and he and I sat on the bench watching.  At this point he actually did talk to me quite a bit which made me feel better.  So, once again I decided I was going to have a good day.

The park is next to a pond and Husband told Beanie to go see the geese.  There were two adults and two babies nearby.  I cautioned her not to get too close.  He encouraged her to go ahead.  I told him that the mama will bite if she thinks her chick is in danger and I didn’t’ want Beanie to get hurt.  He said it wouldn’t hurt that bad and it would be a good lesson for her and beside, it would be entertaining for him to watch.  Men!  Lucky she had the sense to listen to her mama and keep a safe distance.  Mama goose also led the family into the lake pretty quickly when she realized we were paying so much attention to her.

After playing for almost an hour I had to get out of the sun (I burn easy) so we headed home. Back home husband said he wanted to go to the gym but then just lounged around in the sunny driveway trying to tan his chest.  I sat in the lawn chair in the shade and we chatted some more.  He WAS trying to be friendly and I knew it.

He spent the rest of the day making an effort to be nice to me.  He got me chicken to grill and picked up a Red Box movie too.   Although it did take him hours to run to town for the movie and chicken cause he took the motorcycle out for a joy ride on the way back.  I have learned to have no expectation about how long he will be gone so this was not upsetting to me at all.

He fell asleep almost as soon as we put the movie in but other than a few hours at the gym and a few hours on the motorcycle we did spend the whole day together which is pretty good for us.

So, I will give him a good husband for today despite the rocky start.

All Girls Half Marathon Race

Today was my latest half marathon.  The forecast was for temps well up into the 90s and the race director smartly moved the race start time up to 7:30 am to beat some of the heat.  I of course, had to do one last thing before I left the house so that I barely made it to the race on time.  I pulled up, parked my car and got in line to start and less than a minute later we were on our way.

I spent the first mile trying to pass women jogging with their friends who were making human damns, some 4 or 5 people wide, to keep me behind them.  I probably should have started more towards the front but what the heck did I know.  I figure I am a middle of the pack runner so that is where I started.

After the first mile I settled in to run and was already thinking that I was tired and uncomfortable.  I just wasn’t having fun.  Then I did some self talk and told myself that if I thought I was having fun I would.  I tried to relax, listen to my music and just enjoy myself.  It wasn’t too awful hot, but it was still way warmer than ideal running weather which in my opinion would be more like 40 degrees not 75.

At mile 6 husband waved and took some photos.  I waved at my Beanie and was so glad to see her.

By mile 10 I was really bogging down.  The rest of the course involved a couple of good hills and I was rather dreading them.  I kept reminding myself to just keep running and go slower if I needed to but don’t walk.  By now I was in survival mode and it hurt whether I ran or not so I might as well just keep plugging along at a jog.

I actually got up and over the last hill better than I had done on my practice runs, which was a pleasant surprise.  After that it was all downhill to the finish line.  That is good for the attitude.

At the finish they handed us and etched wine glass, a finisher’s medal and a cold sponge.  My medal went over my shoulder and my sponge went down my bra between my boobs.  It gets hot down there!

My friend Cynthia with the finishers medal.

Next I enjoyed visiting with a few friends as I milled around the finish area waiting to get my official time (2:01:29) and rehydrating.  I never drink much on the run because it makes my stomach upset and I would have to pee.

After about an hour I decided to head on my way and go to the grocery store as planned.  As I was driving away I saw my friend Kelly coming in to the finish.  She was on target to finish in about 3 hours.  I marveled at how much guts it takes to be out there for 3 hours.  Seriously, the ones that can knock out 13.1 miles quickly have it easy.  The girls that labor for more than two hours out there on the course are the real heroes….that’s work.

Realized Something

Husband has been in a better mood for the last few months.  I no longer worry that I will arrive home to the (as I fondly refer to it) “fuck you vibe” anymore.  Overall, he has been more agreeable and less inclined to be distant and moody.

I have even asked him, more than once, why the mood change.  Of course he has not offered any great insight.   But, I think I have a hunch about what has been different lately and most certainly could be making a difference.

He has been sleeping more and keeping more regular hours!

Yes, last few months for sure and even before that he has starting to go to bed with me and get up with me very consistently……which means he has been getting between 7 and 8 hours of sleep EVERY single night.

In years past he would fuss to stay up late or get up crazy early (4 am) because he is convinced he sleeps too much.  For some reason he thinks it is smart to try and sleep as little as possible.

The other day he said it again “I have been sleeping too much” and I told him that I think it has actually been good for him; improved his mood.  He said he used stay up late and get up early all the time when he lived alone. And I said, yes dear, but you were not living with other people you had to get along with!

Anyhow, I know I am a grumpy bitch if I don’t get enough sleep so it makes sense that he would be too.  Why he won’t recognize this and admit it is beyond me; but then again, it is his most fervent wish to be beyond the comprehension of most human beings.  LOL

Happy 17th Birthday to Ramone

Ramone just finished up 11^th grade, so next year she will be a senior.  Today she turns 17.  This mom has mixed emotions (of course) as I watch my children becoming adults right before my eyes.

Ramone was my first baby girl (and my last or so I thought).  I was so happy to see her when she arrived; finally another girl in the house.

She was always a tiny little girl and I did my best to hold her ALL THE TIME.  I wanted to cherish every moment with this “last” one.

She was always very smart and had a style of her own….even as a toddler.

I let her hair grow long and it was beautiful. 

Later in school she would get lice and her grandma would cut all her hair off!

When she became a teen ager, her hair turned curly.  (I never knew that could happen.)  It is a nice loose curl that I would love to have.  She never liked it long or curly so this is a rare glimpse at her “real” hair.

In high school she continued to refine her style.  I just love this self portrait she took of her and her best friend.

This year she decided dreadlocks were going to be her thing.

And more recently she has adopted the colored dreadlocks.  (It’s not my favorite.)

For all her funkiness, she really is a good kid.  She makes good grades and excels at art.  She had some of her work feature in the annual art publication her high school publishes!

sculptures of her and her best friend

She also made the style page of the year book.

far left in long skirt

This summer she is attending a 2 week art camp that she received a scholarship to. 

I am very proud of her for having her dreams and working to make them a reality even if it makes me nervous sometimes.

Paraniod

Today, I am feeling paranoid.  This is not something I have been conscious of before but suddenly I am realizing that maybe that is the label for how I feel more often.

A mother of one of my daughters friends texted me and casually asked me to call her when I get a chance.  My first thought is “this can’t be good”.  I mean I am actually feeling anxious.

I always jump to the conclusion that people don’t like me.  (I don’t think I have always been this way.)  I don’t remember it back when I was younger.  But lately, I just worry that NO ONE likes me at all.  And the people that act like they do are just being polite.

I always feel like an outsider looking in and the person nobody wants to have tag along.

Julia and I have been drifting apart which makes me sad…..very sad.  I have no one to talk to.

I think my head is a mess.  I think my life is a mess.  I have no idea what to do about it at all; at All!

Sometimes I Don't Want to Wake Up

This morning I woke up and for the first time in a long time, I was sorry I did.  I wanted to go back and hide in my dream world and not be in the *real* world.

My Turn

I got up early like I always do and ate some toast to prepare for my 8 am trail run.  Not too long after I finished my toast my tummy felt a little upset.  Now that is not normal so I paid close attention; besides, Beanie had just been sick.

I decided to go to my run and give it a try; if I felt sick I could always quit.  I ended up running the whole 5 miles and I didn’t feel bad at all.  However, back at the parking lot one of the runners was sharing some Chex mix and I had a few nibbles.  Soon my tummy was unhappy again.  Mmmm?

I had packed my mountain bike along thinking I might just ride a bit since I was out in the woods anyway but decided it would be prudent to rest my legs a bit (ran 13 yesterday) and give my stomach a break too.

I didn’t have to be home until noon so I changed into some street clothes and finally got my chance to make a quick trip to the fancy Target store in the next town over.  BONUS - Friss called just as I pulled out of the parking lot so I got to talk to him the whole 30 minute drive.

Once I got to the other town I had to locate the Target store…..didn’t know where it was!  I found it and it was glorious.  A real big, new, clean, well stocked Target that was way better than ours.  I vowed to get down there more often to go shopping from now on.  Oh ya, and I got my bikini parts.  A bottom for a top I had already found at my store and a top for a bottom I already had.  So happy.

Next I decided to drop by work and check message and upload some photos.  I had not been to work on Friday and had some time to kill so it was a practical choice to play a little catch-up before Monday hit me like a ton of bricks.  On the drive back I decided that I really really wanted a McDonalds Hazelnut Latte.  (Been craving the sweet creamers a lot lately.) I knew I was flirting with disaster given how my stomach was behaving but I did it anyway.  Yea, I know, crazy!!  (It was delicious!).

At noon I picked up my Bean from her brother and sister and headed home.  By the time I got to my house I was sure I was going to puke.   I warned husband to not get too chummy as the Bean and I checked into bed.  I felt so nauseous that I could not fall asleep.  I was ready to bolt to the bathroom at any second.  I did my best to lie VERY still so I would not jiggle my very unhappy tummy. 

I watched cooking shows on Create (we don’t have cable or satellite TV) and after a few hours started to feel better.  My legs were starting to get really sore and crampy from all the running followed by too much resting.  I decided to get up and stretch a bit and then nibbled some rice Chex.  Of course, those made me feel sick again so I went back to bed.  Then my legs started to really ache.  This was not going well.  If I got up my stomach killed me and if I laid down, my legs revolted.

I spent the balance of the day in bed until my legs just HAD to move and then I would walk around for a bit.  By 8 or nine I was still not hungry but my body was kind of falling apart for need of food so I made some chicken noodle soup.  I am happy to report that is stayed down and I even managed to swallow some Ibuprophen which went a long way towards making my legs feel somewhat acceptable which allowed me to actually fall asleep and finally recuperate.

Grandma Plants Pots

Grandma and Grandpa stayed for the whole day Saturday and helped us with projects around the house.  Grandpa gave the front porch a much needed fresh coat of paint while Grandma was kind enough to go to the store and buy flowers for ALL my pots! 

It was really sweet of her.  BUT now I have to water them all summer long or they will die and I had kind of decided it was not worth the work (and time) since we live a bit out of town so no one ever comes out to our house anyway.  Even the neighbors can’t see the house from the road because we are surrounded by woods so really no need to make it all pretty unless it is for us.

So, now I will water the pots……like all 15 of them……..every morning, so the poor plants don’t roast to death.

Finally The Big Day of the Recital

Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE EATING (unless you should not be eating)

It was around midnight that we were awakened by the child.  I barely remember the whole thing because I was in a sleep induced fog.  There was vomit on the bathroom carpet and I was relieved that the girl’s hair was still up in a bun.  She had eaten carrots and strawberries when we got home from the dress rehearsal so the mess was an orangey pink color.

Husband and I cleaned up as best we could and tucked the girl back in bed.  I blamed the whole incident on her tummy not liking her food choices and went right back to sleep.

The morning came and I had forgotten all about the midnight throw-up incident but as soon as Beanie woke up she said she was still sick.  She told me she had thrown up all night.   She didn’t feel hot.  I said “no you didn’t honey, just once and we cleaned it up”.  She assured me she was not fine and I patted her on the head and put in front of the television to watch her morning cartoons.

Next thing you know she is coming to me with that look in her eyes.  I grabbed her, ran across the kitchen quickly and held her over the kitchen sink as she heaved up a long time and produced only a little stomach juice.   She WAS right….still sick.  My head was spinning with the implications.  We had plans for the WHOLE day….LOTS of IMPORTANT plans!!

Shortly after that I ventured into her room for the first time in the morning and sure enough, she had gotten sick again.  Her bed was a mess and the floor too.  I checked the bathroom and there was vomit in the toilet and the baby wipes on the back of the stool had a mess on the container.  I could tell she had used them to wipe her face off.  Poor thing had been sick all night and never woke us up!

Now, I am fully realizing that there is a ton of wash to do and that the BIG recital may not happen for this sick girl.  I am so disappointed I break down to tears.  By now husband has caught up with what is going on and tells me to go do my planned bike ride and regroup emotionally. 

You see I had taken the entire day off work and had an hour by hour plan to get all kinds of things done.  First was a group ride with about 20 friends to visit all the breakfast stations for our annual bike to work week.  Then I was going to clean house for a few hours to prepare for the Grandparents visiting.  After that was a trip to the big fancy Target in a nearby town (30 minute drive) to get the other half of a swim suit that I really wanted badly.  Finally I would pick up the girl at school and bring her home to get her cleaned up and made beautiful for the REAL recital which we would leave the house at 6 (with Grandma and Grandpa) to attend.

Please note that by the time you add up the costs of ballet lessons, costume, etc. I have hundreds of dollars invested in this recital, not to mention a kid who has been looking forward to it for MONTHS!

My first reaction to Husband telling me to go ride a bike was not positive.  I thought it ridiculous for him to expect me to go off on some “just for fun” bike outing while I had a kid at home vomiting.  Then I thought twice and decided he may be right.  It might be the only glimmer of joy in my day and I should just go do it.  (He sure would if our roles were reversed.)  I also suspect he didn’t need or want to rush into work so a sick kid was a good excuse for him to call in late.  So I did it.



I am far left girl with red shoes.

The bike ride lasted way longer than I expected (18 miles in town) but I had so much fun I was really glad I went.  When I got home Daddy declared the child was well and should be packed off to school.  I was pretty sure he was wrong………… but agreed because I was really needing to do some super fast and furious house cleaning and it would be so nice to not have her in the middle making it all twice as hard.

So Daddy popped her in the car and dropped her at school on his way to work.  I started my cleaning frenzy before they were out of the driveway.  I had to finish cleaning the vomit bedroom and bathroom as well as the downstairs guest room and bathroom.  I hate cleaning.  (I hire the normal cleaning done.  It’s so worth it.)

By half past 12 I declared it all good enough and hopped in the shower before heading to the fancy Target.  As I was putting my makeup on the phone rang….it was Beanie’s school.  She had thrown up on the playground after lunch.   I knew it was not a good idea to send her to school and felt just terrible.

All plans now called off I went and picked her up.  We came home and crawled in bed together and she was sound asleep in about 10 seconds.  I napped a while too and then crept out of the room to watch some TV or do something while she finished her slumber.

At 3 o’clock her father called and asked if we were still going to the recital.  I told him that if she did not puke after she woke up, YES….if she did throw up again, NO…. we would not attempt to go.  He needed to tell him parents what to do; drive the two hours to get here or not.  He phoned me back and said they were on their way.

Luckily Beanie woke up in a good mood and never did throw up again. We got her ready and the whole family went to the recital and had the best time.  It was a much needed happy ending to a long day!

Dress Rehearsal

Tonight was Beanie’s dress rehearsal for her big ballet recital.  When I picked her up from school she got right into her costume.  She then pranced to the car in front of her teachers and class mates feeling so special and beautiful.  Once in the car she declared the costume too itchy and proceeded to claw at it.  I was so worried she would rip her tights.

I drove quickly the venue, the big auditorium at the state university.  We walked into the darkened auditorium and some older girls were performing on stage.  They looked good, real good.  The sound was good.  This was going to be cool.  We were both very excited.

I found a few of Beanies classmates and we all huddled together wondering what we were supposed to be doing/going.  After a while the teacher came and gathered the girls in a group up front.  Meanwhile us mom’s found a seat in the audience.  It was about now that we heard that the rehearsal was running an hour behind schedule.  OMG this was going to take all night!

I sat with another mom who I have somewhat befriended and she anxiously watched her clock because her other kids were with a sitter.  The good news is the performances were all so cool that it really wasn’t so bad waiting; although I worried Beanie might still claw her way thru her tights or at least get the knees of them totally black while she waited on the auditorium floor.



When you need video and photos!

When it was finally time for our girls to perform we all gathered our cameras and watched with pride.  My daughter in particular seemed to have no memory of the routine or what she was supposed to be doing.  I will blame it on being tired and overwhelmed by the whole setting.  All I could do was laugh and hope she was having fun.  She seemed happy but completely out of sync.

After the performance we took some more photos out front.  The girls were just too cute!!

Beanie said she loved it and was really excited to get to go back tomorrow and do it for Grandma and Grandpa.  Mommy was just exhausted at this point and glad to get home and go to bed.

Mother's Day

First let say that my expectations were low; I know that no one will make a fuss.  I know that my husband will not do anything extravagant and might do nothing at all.

So this is how my day went:

I got up and did my normal Sunday morning trail run.  I usually run a 5.5 mile loop and most everyone else does an 8 mile loop across the street but today, me and Uwe decided to follow the big kids into the woods so we could explore the longer trail.  That was fun and even though my legs were tired from running 13 miles yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised at how well I ran about 5 miles on single track.  Hanging with Uwe was fun too.

Next I headed to the grocery store to buy something special for my mother’s day lunch.  I picked up a few steaks, some veggies to cut up and dip in humus and a big container of some dynamite looking fresh strawberries.  And I got some asparagus to grill.  All favorites of mine since it’s my celebration lunch.

On the way home from the grocery store I decided to stop by Target real fast and see if they had some swim suits I was interested in.  Once I got in the store, the swim suits were on two different racks and really picked over so I tried on this and that and then looked for more stuff and before I knew it, I had burned a whole hour.  I finally bought a bunch and decided to return some later when I could think better.

Now I am behind schedule so I race home to shower and prepare lunch.  We were to start the party at 11:30 since Monster had to be at work by 3.   When I got home, everyone was hungry so I skipped my shower and quickly got the veggie tray out and we devoured it in no time.  Then I opened some wine (my party) and asked if anyone wanted some.  Husband turned me down because he was going to the gym later in the afternoon.  (By the way he was miffed that his “me time” would not kick in until after the mother’s day party, sometime in the afternoon.)  

Next we opened gifts and cards.  Daddy had been nice enough to take Beanie to the store to pick out a card.  It was a pretty purple card with lots of sparkles on it.  He admitted that she had picked it all by herself based on color.  (smile)   Monster and Bean made me a couple of cards that were so sweet because they were hand made with love. 

Ramone surprised me with an amazing “reproduction” of a piece of art I have wanted for years.  I was thrilled.  Highlight of the day.  Yes she painted it all by herself.



Husband grilled my steaks for me and I never complained that I had to buy them myself.  They were good, but not as good as I had hoped.  (Maybe I just need to go out for a good steak.)  The big kids all gobbled up the food and then quickly came up with reasons they needed to leave.  I was a bit disappointed that they did not hang out longer.  They are always at work, school, or with friend so I don’t see much of them at all these days.

The rest of the day was nap time and house work and nothing out of the ordinary.  When later asked by a friend, I rated my day a B.  I gave it an A for Zoe’s art work and C for not a long enough party which averaged out to a B.

Later I was reading blogs and most people were telling how they were either spoiled and had a great day or let down by the lack of thought their husbands had put into it.  I suppose I don’t fall into either of these categories due to having no expectations.  But I also have to ask, at what point does having no expectations make a relationship pointless.  If I have no expectations I could marry anyone and they could do anything and I would be fine with that?  That doesn’t make sense to me.

All in all, I guess I would love to have a husband that would make at least a little fuss over me once in a while.  But, overall, I was glad he put off his me time, made an effort to be sociable and even took Beanie to buy a special card.

PS - I DO wish he would have gotten me some good chocolates.  That would have hit the spot!

Prom

Today Ramone accompanied her friend Andrea to prom.

I really like her dress.....but I'm not a huge fan of the hair.

I think Ramone does a nice job with her makeup.

Talk Too Much

Usually, on Monday and Wednesday evenings, my husband goes to the gym, rides his bike or motorcycle or tinkers in the yard until dark.  We do not see each other until near bed time.  Same goes for Tuesday and Thursdays, but these are my nights out and I usually bike, hang out with friends or run family errands.  Either way, we generally don’t see much of each other during the week and even if we do, we are tired and there is a 4 year old between us in bed.

So this morning, we wake up early and are hanging out in bed drinking coffee (him not me) watching the news (which was boring) and the Bean is still in bed and I am thinking of all these things I have wanted to tell him all week.  So, naturally I seize the opportunity to chat with him.   I don’t remember what it all was but just stuff that happened during the week or questions I meant to ask him.  You know, the kind of stuff married people might talk about.

And then he says to me “You sure are hyper this morning”.  What? I am sitting in bed, how does that make me hyper?  He says I am just talking a lot.  He says this as he gets up and starts to move away from me, packing his clothes for the day into his backpack.  I guess I don't get to chat him up.  I explain that we rarely get a chance to talk and I guess I had been saving up all week. 

So, the fact that I was eager to talk was aggravating him.  (No I should not be surprised; I know he hates to talk.  This is what happens when I just act like myself and do what I feel is right.)  So now I am frustrated and a bit mad and the whole thing comes to a screeching halt and I go back to feeling disappointed and stifled in my marriage.   This is why I feel so alone.

Today the boy got his nose fixed.

Crisis Averted

This morning my boss was doling out a high school graduate gift of $100 (from the company) to one of my co-workers whose daughter was graduating from high school when he thought to ask me when my son would be graduating.  I told him he was just finishing up his first year of college!!  Boss says cut the boy a check and sorry we missed him.  So I did.

I quickly texted the boy to stop by the office cause I knew this check would make his day.  He showed up shortly after that and was thrilled as you can imagine.

While he was here thanking my boss, we chatted a bit and he told me he had his last final today and he was really amped up for it.  He had been studying and was confident he would ace the test and quite possibly the whole course.  I was proud to see him taking his academics so seriously and getting excited about good grades.  I was feeling very good about my Monster.

Then a few hours later, the phone ring and the boy sputters “mom” into the phone thru tears; just like when he wrecked the car.  My heart dropped.  He went on to tell me that he had showed up for his test and no one was there….. that he had the day wrong and it was YESTERDAY!

OMG the poor boy, he was so upset.  He had been so UP for this test.  I told him to quickly contact the professor or TA and see if there was a makeup test.  He told me he would have to go home to find their number and would do that right away.

Once home he emailed the TA and called me to tell me he did not have a phone number for either the TA or prof!!  Welcome to the internet age.   He had calmed down and assured me he would still pass the class even without the final because he had a high B going into it.  That made us both feel better.

A long hour later the TA finally emailed him back and informed him the makeup test was at 3 p.m. and he could take it then.  He was thrilled and rushed back up to campus and aced his test like he wanted to. 

I am very proud of him for getting that all worked out so he could still take his test.

Unconditional Love

When I was a child my father was very demanding and judgmental and I desperately wanted his love and approval and would do just about anything I could to earn it.

I would also get very upset with myself when I failed to get his approval.......when I disappointed him or let him down.

I find now that even as an adult I think I try so hard to make the people I love happy in the same sort of effort to earn/keep their love by pleasing them.  And it equally pains me if I feel I let them down, even if by accident.

This is a habit that I can’t seem to control.

I think I often put their needs before mine.....because my need for approval is too great.

I am sure this contributes to me being hard on myself in other areas too.  I want to be too perfect and can’t seem to love myself despite my flaws.

If I wasn’t good enough for my father, then who could I be good enough for?

~~

I often think that as very small children we need (and generally get) unconditional love and approval.  (Think about how we shower our new babies with love just for showing up and pooping all over.)  Then as we age, that unconditional outpouring of love fades and we miss it.  (Probably with good reason or no one would ever leave home. Ha)

I always wonder if that is not what I crave from my significant other.  I just want someone to be crazy about me for just being me.

Annual Audit

My annual financial audit at work is from May 7-11 so I will probably be way too busy to blog.  Please forgive my absence.

In Search of A Good Steak Dinner

We had a pretty good weekend.  Husband spent a huge amount of time Sunday power washing the siding on the house and trying to fix our barbeque grill since I have been requesting a grilled meal for over a year now.    It is nice when he does stuff for “us” not just him.

He thought the grill was just out of gas but turns out that some critters (we live in the woods) had chewed through the rubber supply hose that delivers the gas to the burners.  He even went to the store to buy more hose but could not find anything that would work.  He has vowed to repair it by Mother’s Day or buy a new grill so I can have my precious filet steaks (cow not deer) and some nice dry red wine for dinner.

Also, Stina and her hubby came over to shoot guns.  This was her husband’s great idea and she could care less to learn to shoot, but my husband was very nice and played with them for hours and never complained.   I sipped wine and took some photos and enjoyed the company.  When I was younger I thought it was fun to target practice but now I really have no desire.

I realize that often I focus too much on the things I don’t like and not enough on the things I do so, let me just take this opportunity to say a few things about what is GOOD about my marriage these days.

My husband is not jealous or controlling.  I am pretty much free to do as I please and he won’t judge or complain.  Sometimes this actually seems like he doesn’t care to me but I believe he really does care, it is just not his nature to evaluate what others do as long as it does not impact him negatively.  Also, I think he trusts me to make good decision and not do anything too crazy.   (Wow, when I think of it that way it makes me feel kind of proud….and a bit unworthy.)

He has been doing a much better job lately of sharing the responsibility of our daughter equally with me.  He used to try to get me to do all the dropping off and picking up from school.   He used to only watch her for a few hours on the weekend.  He used to avoid getting assigned a schedule, but now, we have an agreed upon plan that seems to be working.  He drops her off and picks her up on Tuesday and Thursdays which allows me to do my morning run and not have to rush and then to cycle after work.  On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I do the drop off and pick up so he can bike to work or ride his motorcycle.  I don’t mind the extra day, Friday, because it is my “off” day from working out and I am more than happy to spend it with my little Bean.  Also, on the weekends he has been letting me do my runs and errands in the morning and not expecting me home till around noon.  This is a huge change considering he used to want me home quickly so he could get on with his projects.

He has been better about taking out the trash.  This is a little war that we raged for a long long time and I finally just backed off and now, he tends to get too it even if I don’t ask, or at least he does it pleasantly if I do.  He still doesn’t break down his boxes before putting them in the recycle bin, but I am not letting it tick me off anymore.

Lately, he is emailing me back more often during the day at work.  I think this is because I kept telling him I needed more interaction with him and that it is important to me that he not ignore me.  (Still think it’s nuts that I should have to point this out to the man who loves me.) He still ignores me, but not nearly as much as he used to. 

We have been together for 6 years now and it does seem like in a lot of ways we are finally figuring out how to “work” with each other and keep a relatively peace filled existence.  It seems nuts to me that it has taken so long but I will say better late than never!  Also, I just have to say that if he were willing to talk more, I think we could have figured most of this stuff out much sooner.  Instead it has all been through trial and error and more error and trail.  A painful way to learn how to get along if you ask me.

(I really can’t stop complaining can I?)

A Food Visit and A Broken Nose

At 3 am my phone rang.  It jolted me out of a sound sleep.  I looked at the screen and saw it was Monster.  As a mother you know that a 3 am phone call can’t be good news and you MUST answer it because your child may really need you.

I picked up the phone and the boy sounded calm….a good sign.  He then proceeded to explain that he and his buddies had gone out to a comedy club and then after went back to his friend Trevor’s to hang out.  Then someone got the bright idea to mess around with the boxing gloves and now he was in the hospital with a broken nose.

I was so relieved…..that no cops were involved and the car had not been wrecked AGAIN.

In my sleepy state, after my initial feelings of relief all I could think to say was “what is it about you and your sister trying to mess up your face?”  Probably not the best choice of words but then again I never seem to choose the right words at the right time.

Anyway he assured me he was in good hands and that I did not need rush to his side.  (Good thing to because he told me he was at the emergency room I will NOT go to if you know what I mean; bad memories.)  He had already called his dad.  They were getting a plastic surgeon to look at him.  He said he would still be going to see Friss with me in the morning.

I signed off and expressed my displeasure to my husband who in turn told me it was an accident and I should be more sympathetic.  I know he is right but still, it is frustrating when you raise these kids and try so hard to keep them looking presentable (dermatologist, braces, regular dental care, etc.) and then they go and mess it up being drunk and stupid.  I had visions of Jan Brady in my head.

I did actually go back to sleep after a short period of reminding myself that being upset is pointless.  Good for me.

In the morning, I got up and prepared to go visit the birthday boy.  I had to package up all the food in the required containers, the required way so it would pass inspection.  I had purchased quite a few really tasty items and the biggest hit was the key lime pie from Hy-Vee.  You can buy it by the slice and it was divine.

I picked up Monster on the way and he looked much better than Jan Brady.  What a relief.  We drove the hour plus to the correctional facility in pouring rain and my poor old tires are low on tread so it was a bit sketchy.  By the time we got there the weather cleared up and we got checked in pretty quickly.

Most of you probably have no idea how a visit in a prison works so I will describe what it’s like.  After they check your ID and wave the metal detector wand over you (less security than at the airport mind you) they then let you find your way through a series of large metal doors with guards that buzz you thru.  At the end is a large room like a cafeteria with knee high end tables to sit at.  Each table has up to 4 resin type lawn chairs at them where you will sit while visiting.  There is a bank of vending machines against the wall and a few dinky microwaves on the counter to heat a sandwich or pop some pop corn.  There is an area in the corner with a TV set tuned to the cartoon network and they put the children visitors there.

Of course there are rules about touching and what you can wear.  And only one person at a time can get up from the table to go to the vending machines.  The prisoner is not allowed up at all.

After you get to the “cafeteria” they assign you a seat and then you wait for your loved one to come through another set of heavy, clanky metal doors.  It seems like it takes forever for them to arrive since they must be located in the facility and then ushered to the visiting room and before they enter they are searched and change their clothes.

I usually sit in the chair watching the door like a starving dog watching a man eat a steak.  Each time it opens I get my hopes up, quickly judge if it is him or someone else and then relax again and wait some more.  Finally he comes in and I am so happy to see him.  He spots us and walks over and we all exchange the allowed one big hug hello before sitting down.  Beanie is shy at first and won’t hug him.

We spent the next few hours feeding him food and talking about everything we could think of.  Sometimes talking over the din of other people talking gives me a terrible head ache but I just try to ignore it.  Beanie gets bored after an hour or so and I find her a coloring book to play with.  Before too long it is time to leave again and I always feel terrible because I know he wants us to stay longer.  But Monster has a test at school and Beanie needs her nap so we get our hugs goodbye and check back out the way we checked in.

On the drive home Beanie falls asleep and when we pull in the garage she wakes up and gets angry

at me for taking the short cut home and cutting her nap short.  I told her we drove for a long time but she didn’t believe me.  We went in the house and I put the TV on for her and took a quick nap on the couch.  I was wiped out.  It is always taxing on me going to see him because I worry too much that something will go wrong and we won’t get in.  It is heart breaking to drive all that way and then get turned away for some silly little reason.

Today was a very good visit and I know he was thrilled to see us.  Happy Birthday Friss...Mama loves you!!