Quick post….have to get this stuff in writing. The contrast keeps glaring at me and I want to write it down. This is the difference between a REAL relationship and ….well……..whatever my marriage was.
Long road trip together: In the car: Husband – gets annoyed if I talk too much. Prefers to wear his ear buds and block me out. Kevin – Lets me talk and talk and talk and he seems to actually enjoy the company. Upon arriving home: Husband -can’t wait to get out of the car and get away from me. Too much time with me makes him really cranky. Kevin - texts me about 30 minutes after dropping me off to tell me how much he misses me already.
Headed to the grocery store (or any purchases in general): Husband – lets me pay for everything even though he eats 90% of it. Never offers to pay for anything if he can get me to foot the bill. Never wants to shop together as that would be wasting someone’s time. Very happy to keep all his money for himself. Kevin – tags along to keep me company and then at the checkout WILL NOT LET ME PAY even though 90% of the food is going to my house. He says I buy and do stuff for him all the time and it is his turn to pay. He has NO interest in taking advantage of me financially.
Sunday morning run: Husband – grudgingly keeps our daughter so I can go do a run. If I don’t get back ASAP he is cranky that I am keeping him from getting to do what he wants to do for himself. Kevin – volunteered to keep the girl, happily entertained her with activities he thought SHE would like. When I called because I was running late (bad route plan on my part) he cheerfully said to take my time and not worry about them they would be fine. Kevin has an even temperament and that is so AWESOME.
Storm sirens go off at 1 am: Husband – if I wake him I will piss him off. If I called him he would not answer. Kevin – I can call and he will be kind, soothing and check the radar for me. The new place doesn’t have a basement so I was a little freaked out about a tornado coming.
I know it is easy to assume that because our relationship is new Kevin is on his best behavior but here is the thing……I see him treat his friends and family the same way. He is kind, helpful and giving to all the people in his life. His co-workers like him, his boss loves him, and his employees respect him. He has healthy relationships with his kids and buddies. He shovels his parents’ driveway before he does his own. The man, as best I can tell, is the real deal and is not “acting” a certain way to impress me. In fact he is adamant that he is who he is and that is that. It’s so damn refreshing when you have lived the last 8 years with a man who is ALWAYS putting on an act or playing a role or looking to deceive. STBX is just a shady character (and always has been from the start) and I just can’t live like that!
Monday, April 28, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Quick Update
Last Saturday STBX had his mom and dad over to celebrate Easter. While they were there they helped him spruce up the place by planting the new pots he purchased for the patio because I took the old ones I had purchased with me. It was the first time they have visited since I moved out. I hope the visit went well for all of them. I am sure it was a bit awkward. The new plants looked good but more importantly; it's another sign that he plans to stay which makes my “house sale” feels more secure.
Easter Sunday I dressed up the 6 year old in her pretty new Easter dress and went down to visit her incarcerated brother. She looked so cute. I felt bad that I didn’t have a nicer family outing to offer her. We did have a great visit which was long overdue. It is always nice to chat with my eldest child; he is so wise and thoughtful. After the visit Beanie and I were both tired so of course she napped the whole 40 minute drive home and I didn’t so once I got home, I wanted to rest and she wanted to “do something”. The balance of the day was focused on entertaining her while still trying to get at least some of my chores / projects done. In the long run I was frustrated, tired and not so happy about the whole single parent role.
Monday she did not have school so I just took her to work with me. We stopped by her Dad’s on the way to get the DVD player so I was late to work. Luckily she was content to watch movies until 3 when her dad came and fetched her. Usually I have him pick her up at noon but he said he was super busy at work and, as usual, I was accommodating. When he picked her up he took the DVD player with him (he had purchased it a few years ago). This is another divorce dilemma......do I go buy one for my house? I usually get stuck bringing her to work with me many times a year. Do I continue to borrow it from him? With better planning I probably could have gotten him to bring it to me when he brought the girl home, but I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. Planning is so much more important now. I really hate all this crap. Depressing.
Monday evening Kevin and I relaxed and watched DWTS. It is one of his favorite shows. (Tough guy is really a softy.) Tuesday evening we attended a charity dinner that his employer was sponsoring. It was so nice to go out on a fancy “date” like a real couple. I even curled my hair!
Wednesday I was exhausted which is probably why the whole day seemed depressing. STBX has started reviewing the divorce papers and I tried to make an appointment with him to discuss them. Of course making plans with him always goes poorly and leaves me frustrated. Then I went to get Beanie for dance class and she was cranky and didn’t want to go. I needed to go to the grocery store (something she usually hates to do) so I offered her that as an alternative. She chose shopping over dance class and I just went for it. I didn’t have it in me to make her go to dance.
So STBX won’t comment on the divorce papers via email, says he wants to discuss in person, and yet won’t nail down a time or place to meet. If I offer a plan to meet it is not to his liking which is so typical. Twelve more years of his crap. Blah
This morning, on my way to work, I drove my car through a very orange traffic light only to look up and see a police officer right behind me. CRAP! I was certain he would pull me over so I turned down the next street and to my surprise he did not turn behind me. Now that made my day!!
Work will be busy over the next month which means I will have less time to post. One of these days I need to get decent internet at home so I can blog in the evening. Until then, know I read your blog daily even if I don’t comment.
Easter Sunday I dressed up the 6 year old in her pretty new Easter dress and went down to visit her incarcerated brother. She looked so cute. I felt bad that I didn’t have a nicer family outing to offer her. We did have a great visit which was long overdue. It is always nice to chat with my eldest child; he is so wise and thoughtful. After the visit Beanie and I were both tired so of course she napped the whole 40 minute drive home and I didn’t so once I got home, I wanted to rest and she wanted to “do something”. The balance of the day was focused on entertaining her while still trying to get at least some of my chores / projects done. In the long run I was frustrated, tired and not so happy about the whole single parent role.
Monday she did not have school so I just took her to work with me. We stopped by her Dad’s on the way to get the DVD player so I was late to work. Luckily she was content to watch movies until 3 when her dad came and fetched her. Usually I have him pick her up at noon but he said he was super busy at work and, as usual, I was accommodating. When he picked her up he took the DVD player with him (he had purchased it a few years ago). This is another divorce dilemma......do I go buy one for my house? I usually get stuck bringing her to work with me many times a year. Do I continue to borrow it from him? With better planning I probably could have gotten him to bring it to me when he brought the girl home, but I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. Planning is so much more important now. I really hate all this crap. Depressing.
Monday evening Kevin and I relaxed and watched DWTS. It is one of his favorite shows. (Tough guy is really a softy.) Tuesday evening we attended a charity dinner that his employer was sponsoring. It was so nice to go out on a fancy “date” like a real couple. I even curled my hair!
Wednesday I was exhausted which is probably why the whole day seemed depressing. STBX has started reviewing the divorce papers and I tried to make an appointment with him to discuss them. Of course making plans with him always goes poorly and leaves me frustrated. Then I went to get Beanie for dance class and she was cranky and didn’t want to go. I needed to go to the grocery store (something she usually hates to do) so I offered her that as an alternative. She chose shopping over dance class and I just went for it. I didn’t have it in me to make her go to dance.
So STBX won’t comment on the divorce papers via email, says he wants to discuss in person, and yet won’t nail down a time or place to meet. If I offer a plan to meet it is not to his liking which is so typical. Twelve more years of his crap. Blah
This morning, on my way to work, I drove my car through a very orange traffic light only to look up and see a police officer right behind me. CRAP! I was certain he would pull me over so I turned down the next street and to my surprise he did not turn behind me. Now that made my day!!
Work will be busy over the next month which means I will have less time to post. One of these days I need to get decent internet at home so I can blog in the evening. Until then, know I read your blog daily even if I don’t comment.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Thoughts on Monday (After More Processing)
Kevin is always calm and always willing to talk. I really think I am just paranoid....and he is fine. I am still learning to trust that people can truly be nice to me and not be out to get me. For example when he doesn't answer the phone I still get a rather large panicky feeling that he is abandoning me but in reality (so far) the only reason he doesn’t answer is because he is on a business call.
When he asked me not to hang up on him he was making his needs and expectations clear. That is not a bad thing. It is a totally valid thing to ask for and he did it calmly and nicely (hugged me). Yes he was insistent but that is how he is. He is a manager of a number of branches for a roofing supply company and he speaks with authority in his voice. He comes from a place of confidence.
I interpret what he does through the eyes of an abused person. I think his point was simply that I shouldn't let STBXhusband get me so worked up. Kevin is right....I do spend too much time worrying about him and what is going on. It is co-dependent behavior. Something Kevin does NOT do. Kevin thinks I should have messaged him.....and left it at that. Then, if he didn't respond by 5, I take the kid home with me. Simple. Of course he is detached from the situation so it is easy for him to say. Also, his ex-wife was irresponsible so he got real used to dealing with these types of situations. He felt he was sharing his experience and knowledge with me. I am sure he had no idea why I was so pissed off by the whole thing.
I don’t think either one of us said we were sorry. I think we agreed that we didn’t really understand each other that night. Since then I have “let go” of my fear and mulled it over some more; hence this more comprehensive explanation. I really can’t think clear when I am in the middle of (not sure what to call it) my reaction to a trigger. My brain feels all tight, confused and negative. I don’t think it wore off until about noon on Tuesday! (This is another thing I am now more aware of………how these things linger and then after some time they lift away.)
The real issue that day stemmed from my reaction to him being assertive in a way that made me uncomfortable. I tend to feel trampled on too easily. In the past when this has happened I have said something to him and he does listen. I just didn’t have the right frame of mind last Monday. I was already off balance due to letting the STBX get under my skin.
I know it sounds corny but I am learning from Kevin. I like how he thinks and how he deals with the world and life. He knows how to ignore stupid BS and concentrate on what matters. He always tells me to focus on the future and what I need and what will make me happy. He really is my advocate.
When he asked me not to hang up on him he was making his needs and expectations clear. That is not a bad thing. It is a totally valid thing to ask for and he did it calmly and nicely (hugged me). Yes he was insistent but that is how he is. He is a manager of a number of branches for a roofing supply company and he speaks with authority in his voice. He comes from a place of confidence.
I interpret what he does through the eyes of an abused person. I think his point was simply that I shouldn't let STBXhusband get me so worked up. Kevin is right....I do spend too much time worrying about him and what is going on. It is co-dependent behavior. Something Kevin does NOT do. Kevin thinks I should have messaged him.....and left it at that. Then, if he didn't respond by 5, I take the kid home with me. Simple. Of course he is detached from the situation so it is easy for him to say. Also, his ex-wife was irresponsible so he got real used to dealing with these types of situations. He felt he was sharing his experience and knowledge with me. I am sure he had no idea why I was so pissed off by the whole thing.
I don’t think either one of us said we were sorry. I think we agreed that we didn’t really understand each other that night. Since then I have “let go” of my fear and mulled it over some more; hence this more comprehensive explanation. I really can’t think clear when I am in the middle of (not sure what to call it) my reaction to a trigger. My brain feels all tight, confused and negative. I don’t think it wore off until about noon on Tuesday! (This is another thing I am now more aware of………how these things linger and then after some time they lift away.)
The real issue that day stemmed from my reaction to him being assertive in a way that made me uncomfortable. I tend to feel trampled on too easily. In the past when this has happened I have said something to him and he does listen. I just didn’t have the right frame of mind last Monday. I was already off balance due to letting the STBX get under my skin.
I know it sounds corny but I am learning from Kevin. I like how he thinks and how he deals with the world and life. He knows how to ignore stupid BS and concentrate on what matters. He always tells me to focus on the future and what I need and what will make me happy. He really is my advocate.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Kevin Triggers Me and the STBX Dissapears for Days
Two weekends ago STBX was out of town. I didn’t pay much attention to where or why he was gone overnight. I really didn’t even think about it.
This last weekend again, he said he needed to go out of town. This time he mentioned visiting his old college roommate. He requested that I get our daughter back early so he could leave sooner. I was gracious and picked her up an hour and half before I am normally scheduled to.
Sunday I texted him that I would be picking up our daughter from school on Monday (which usually is his night) to take her to get a haircut but then I would meet him at 5 pm to pass her to him. I asked him where he would like to meet. He lives a bit out of town and I thought it would be easier for both of us to just meet in town.
He never responded to the Sunday text and quite frankly I didn’t really notice or expect him to.
Monday I came into work and at some point remembered that we still needed to make arrangements so I sent an email to him at work. “Where do you want to meet @5?” This time I fully expected an answer since it was a weekday and he should be sitting at his desk; hours later I still had not heard from him so I texted him “you alive?” This usually gets him to respond but I got nothing.
Later I phoned his office and it was forwarded to his cell phone. He does this so his boss doesn’t know he is not in the office. I thought he may be home or he could still be out of town in which case he probably wasn’t at his old roommate’s house who has a wife and kid, but was instead visiting his old GF, you remember her, the one he was seeing when I was pregnant. It would explain why he was ignoring me. And I really don’t care if he is.
Around 3:30 I called again thinking by now he should be driving back to town if he was going to meet me at 5; still no answer. At this point I start to get worried; what if on Sunday afternoon he fell off the roof while cleaning out the gutters or chopped of his leg while chain sawing drunk? He has been known to get stupid drunk.
I called Kevin and left him a VM stating that if I still hadn’t heard from the STBXH by five p.m. I would drive out to his house to see if there was a body or any clues as to what the hell is going on.
While the kid was getting her hair cut I phoned husband and he finally answered. I was momentarily relieved he was not dead. (Mostly cause I didn’t feel like driving out to his house.) He said he just got back in town (he sounded kind of messed up)……..he said he didn’t have his phone or something that didn’t make much sense. I didn’t bother to analyze his story I just said where do you want to meet at 5? He said his office. I said I had stuff to put in his car and he needed to sign our taxes so that might not work (he parks in a garage blocks from his actual office.) He suggested he come to us at the hair salon. I said OK, I would text when we were about done.
By 4:30 we were done and STBXH’s office is only a couple of miles from the salon. I texted him and he acted confused about where to go; like asking me odd questions. I texted back more specific instructions. “Turn left at the Hardees and then right onto Burlington”
25 minutes later he STILL had not arrived so I phoned him…..he was lost…..up by my office…..didn’t know where he was supposed to go. WTH? This town is not that big and he has lived here for over 20 years. I was tired of waiting on him and running out of patience.
He finally showed up and I gave him the girl, her Easter clothes, her backpack for school, he signed the taxes. He seemed groggy or distracted. I wondered if he was on drugs. I left feeling extremely aggravated by the whole thing. Why the hell can’t people act like responsible grown-ups?!
No sooner than I got back in my car and down the street Kevin called. I told him I had passed the girl to the STBX but I was really aggravated by the whole deal. Kevin then starts to give me a lot of crap about how I am too fixated on what STBX is doing and will I ever let it go, etc. etc. I was already in a shitty mood and this just shot me over the edge. I told him that I thought the man might be dead and I really didn’t care where he was if he was alive. Kevin kept “pushing” his angle and I felt like my head was about to pop off. I told him we would have to discuss it later and hung up.
I seriously felt cornered like he was attacking me. He wasn’t yelling he was just talking over me and being insistent about his idea. Like he was right and I was wrong. I hate when people tell me why I am doing something….are they fucking mind readers. I wanted to calm down and get my head on straight before I continued my talk with Kevin about his perception of my *fixation* with the STBX.
And honestly, the fact that he triggered me was very upsetting to me. Instinct kicked in and I wanted to run and hide. I felt that I was suddenly his (verbal) punching bag and that my feeling didn’t matter to him. I felt like he was accusing me of caring too much for the STBX and I really do NOT care other than I want him to be a responsible co-parent for the next 12 years.
I drove home feeling a bit numb and knowing that Kevin would now be pissed that I hung up abruptly. Yet at the same time I knew I had done the right thing because when I get triggered I can lash out in fear without thinking and say things I really regret.
Back home I tried to call him and got no answer so I texted him that I was sorry to hang up abruptly but I NEEDED to end the conversation. He never responded.
I puttered around the house for a while and tried to relax. I know Kevin is not one to shut me out so I assumed he was busy. I did not head down the rabbit hole. I did actively try to feel mentally detached from it all though. I just blocked it all out of my mind and focused on some reading and light house work. Kevin finally called to ask if I was coming over and acted like nothing had happened. I said I would be over as planned but then took my time getting ready. I was still unsure of what exactly I would say, what my complaint was, what EXACTLY set me off, how to handle it all. I just knew it was all not sitting well.
As soon as I walked in his house he gave me a big hug and said “let’s be clear on this you will never hang up on me again OK?” I reluctantly agreed and thought to myself “I will hang up if I want to asshole”
Then I sat there next to him on the couch in silence as my mind teamed with thoughts of how selfish everyone is and how I feel like I just have to put up with it. Why doesn’t he care that I was upset? Why doesn’t he want to discuss the issue? Why does he just order me around? Am I just starting down the path to where he will lose respect for me and I will become his doormat? Why can’t I say the right thing at the right time? I hate being broken.
The night drug on and the conversation was not terribly productive. He could see no reason why I would be upset with him. He felt he was sharing his opinion and I should be open to it. He told me I was always trying to figure out what STBX is doing and why; and at this point it was none of my business. That there should not have been any issue until he didn’t show up at 5 and that I should have waited until then to even bother to contact him.
I asked Kevin why he was so upset about it….was he jealous or something. He told me that he just didn’t understand why I was involved. If he didn’t show up for work it was not my problem, etc.
I was struggling with what to say. I told Kevin that I felt he was not listening to me. I explained to him that if the man was dead it would surely be my problem to deal with. I explained that husband has never just vanished for a few days like that. I told Kevin that he was being too pushy and demanding on the phone. He again did not see it my way. At one point I got sassy and said “yes you are right I will forever be wondering how he is and where he is, it will be lives passion to follow him around. Does that make you feel better?”
He snapped at me that he will just keep his mouth shut from now on since I don’t like to hear his opinions.
At one point I was so frustrated I told him that we were not enjoying each other’s company so maybe I should just go home. I was relieved when he did NOT think that was a good idea.
He agreed to disagree.
Finally I explained that I didn’t want to lose myself and I didn’t want him to force me to shut up and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. That I was taught to “stuff it down” my whole life and I am trying very hard to have a voice from now on. He listened to me go on for a while but he never really commented….but he listened. Maybe some of this stuff is just too far *out there* for him to really understand where I am coming from. He was raised by supportive, decent people and he is a very confident and secure man. He is very good at knowing what he wants and needs and asking for it.
Soon after that he took my hand and said “let’s go to bed”. In bed he cuddled me up close, told me how much he loves me and we fell asleep. I really don’t think he is a selfish bastard. I do think it is hard for me to understand and calmly explain why I get set off at times.
At the end of the day I know he loves me and he is willing to work on *US* and he is willing to sit for 2 hours on the couch and go round and round about something like this until we both feel some sense of closure. It wasn’t fun…..but it is what people in love need to do to stay close and feel accepted.
_________________
update: Today after a few emails with the STBX (I asked why he was so out of it because I do believe if he is getting our daughter I have the right to expect him to be coherent) and he told me that he was mugged and that is why he unexpectedly missed work, did not have his phone and did not get any sleep. I didn't ask for details....it all sounds too fishy to care.
PS - I guess I won't share that with Kevin. :(
This last weekend again, he said he needed to go out of town. This time he mentioned visiting his old college roommate. He requested that I get our daughter back early so he could leave sooner. I was gracious and picked her up an hour and half before I am normally scheduled to.
Sunday I texted him that I would be picking up our daughter from school on Monday (which usually is his night) to take her to get a haircut but then I would meet him at 5 pm to pass her to him. I asked him where he would like to meet. He lives a bit out of town and I thought it would be easier for both of us to just meet in town.
He never responded to the Sunday text and quite frankly I didn’t really notice or expect him to.
Monday I came into work and at some point remembered that we still needed to make arrangements so I sent an email to him at work. “Where do you want to meet @5?” This time I fully expected an answer since it was a weekday and he should be sitting at his desk; hours later I still had not heard from him so I texted him “you alive?” This usually gets him to respond but I got nothing.
Later I phoned his office and it was forwarded to his cell phone. He does this so his boss doesn’t know he is not in the office. I thought he may be home or he could still be out of town in which case he probably wasn’t at his old roommate’s house who has a wife and kid, but was instead visiting his old GF, you remember her, the one he was seeing when I was pregnant. It would explain why he was ignoring me. And I really don’t care if he is.
Around 3:30 I called again thinking by now he should be driving back to town if he was going to meet me at 5; still no answer. At this point I start to get worried; what if on Sunday afternoon he fell off the roof while cleaning out the gutters or chopped of his leg while chain sawing drunk? He has been known to get stupid drunk.
I called Kevin and left him a VM stating that if I still hadn’t heard from the STBXH by five p.m. I would drive out to his house to see if there was a body or any clues as to what the hell is going on.
While the kid was getting her hair cut I phoned husband and he finally answered. I was momentarily relieved he was not dead. (Mostly cause I didn’t feel like driving out to his house.) He said he just got back in town (he sounded kind of messed up)……..he said he didn’t have his phone or something that didn’t make much sense. I didn’t bother to analyze his story I just said where do you want to meet at 5? He said his office. I said I had stuff to put in his car and he needed to sign our taxes so that might not work (he parks in a garage blocks from his actual office.) He suggested he come to us at the hair salon. I said OK, I would text when we were about done.
By 4:30 we were done and STBXH’s office is only a couple of miles from the salon. I texted him and he acted confused about where to go; like asking me odd questions. I texted back more specific instructions. “Turn left at the Hardees and then right onto Burlington”
25 minutes later he STILL had not arrived so I phoned him…..he was lost…..up by my office…..didn’t know where he was supposed to go. WTH? This town is not that big and he has lived here for over 20 years. I was tired of waiting on him and running out of patience.
He finally showed up and I gave him the girl, her Easter clothes, her backpack for school, he signed the taxes. He seemed groggy or distracted. I wondered if he was on drugs. I left feeling extremely aggravated by the whole thing. Why the hell can’t people act like responsible grown-ups?!
No sooner than I got back in my car and down the street Kevin called. I told him I had passed the girl to the STBX but I was really aggravated by the whole deal. Kevin then starts to give me a lot of crap about how I am too fixated on what STBX is doing and will I ever let it go, etc. etc. I was already in a shitty mood and this just shot me over the edge. I told him that I thought the man might be dead and I really didn’t care where he was if he was alive. Kevin kept “pushing” his angle and I felt like my head was about to pop off. I told him we would have to discuss it later and hung up.
I seriously felt cornered like he was attacking me. He wasn’t yelling he was just talking over me and being insistent about his idea. Like he was right and I was wrong. I hate when people tell me why I am doing something….are they fucking mind readers. I wanted to calm down and get my head on straight before I continued my talk with Kevin about his perception of my *fixation* with the STBX.
And honestly, the fact that he triggered me was very upsetting to me. Instinct kicked in and I wanted to run and hide. I felt that I was suddenly his (verbal) punching bag and that my feeling didn’t matter to him. I felt like he was accusing me of caring too much for the STBX and I really do NOT care other than I want him to be a responsible co-parent for the next 12 years.
I drove home feeling a bit numb and knowing that Kevin would now be pissed that I hung up abruptly. Yet at the same time I knew I had done the right thing because when I get triggered I can lash out in fear without thinking and say things I really regret.
Back home I tried to call him and got no answer so I texted him that I was sorry to hang up abruptly but I NEEDED to end the conversation. He never responded.
I puttered around the house for a while and tried to relax. I know Kevin is not one to shut me out so I assumed he was busy. I did not head down the rabbit hole. I did actively try to feel mentally detached from it all though. I just blocked it all out of my mind and focused on some reading and light house work. Kevin finally called to ask if I was coming over and acted like nothing had happened. I said I would be over as planned but then took my time getting ready. I was still unsure of what exactly I would say, what my complaint was, what EXACTLY set me off, how to handle it all. I just knew it was all not sitting well.
As soon as I walked in his house he gave me a big hug and said “let’s be clear on this you will never hang up on me again OK?” I reluctantly agreed and thought to myself “I will hang up if I want to asshole”
Then I sat there next to him on the couch in silence as my mind teamed with thoughts of how selfish everyone is and how I feel like I just have to put up with it. Why doesn’t he care that I was upset? Why doesn’t he want to discuss the issue? Why does he just order me around? Am I just starting down the path to where he will lose respect for me and I will become his doormat? Why can’t I say the right thing at the right time? I hate being broken.
The night drug on and the conversation was not terribly productive. He could see no reason why I would be upset with him. He felt he was sharing his opinion and I should be open to it. He told me I was always trying to figure out what STBX is doing and why; and at this point it was none of my business. That there should not have been any issue until he didn’t show up at 5 and that I should have waited until then to even bother to contact him.
I asked Kevin why he was so upset about it….was he jealous or something. He told me that he just didn’t understand why I was involved. If he didn’t show up for work it was not my problem, etc.
I was struggling with what to say. I told Kevin that I felt he was not listening to me. I explained to him that if the man was dead it would surely be my problem to deal with. I explained that husband has never just vanished for a few days like that. I told Kevin that he was being too pushy and demanding on the phone. He again did not see it my way. At one point I got sassy and said “yes you are right I will forever be wondering how he is and where he is, it will be lives passion to follow him around. Does that make you feel better?”
He snapped at me that he will just keep his mouth shut from now on since I don’t like to hear his opinions.
At one point I was so frustrated I told him that we were not enjoying each other’s company so maybe I should just go home. I was relieved when he did NOT think that was a good idea.
He agreed to disagree.
Finally I explained that I didn’t want to lose myself and I didn’t want him to force me to shut up and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. That I was taught to “stuff it down” my whole life and I am trying very hard to have a voice from now on. He listened to me go on for a while but he never really commented….but he listened. Maybe some of this stuff is just too far *out there* for him to really understand where I am coming from. He was raised by supportive, decent people and he is a very confident and secure man. He is very good at knowing what he wants and needs and asking for it.
Soon after that he took my hand and said “let’s go to bed”. In bed he cuddled me up close, told me how much he loves me and we fell asleep. I really don’t think he is a selfish bastard. I do think it is hard for me to understand and calmly explain why I get set off at times.
At the end of the day I know he loves me and he is willing to work on *US* and he is willing to sit for 2 hours on the couch and go round and round about something like this until we both feel some sense of closure. It wasn’t fun…..but it is what people in love need to do to stay close and feel accepted.
_________________
update: Today after a few emails with the STBX (I asked why he was so out of it because I do believe if he is getting our daughter I have the right to expect him to be coherent) and he told me that he was mugged and that is why he unexpectedly missed work, did not have his phone and did not get any sleep. I didn't ask for details....it all sounds too fishy to care.
PS - I guess I won't share that with Kevin. :(
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Narcissist
Last year when I was seeing Therapist George we brushed upon the idea that my husband is Narcissistic. At the time I read a few things briefly and thought....probably not. He does not seem to want a lot of attention or think he should be the center of the world. (Um that would be Uwe.) Husband is pretty quiet and to himself. However, lately I think back over everything that happened and I keep coming to the same conclusion. He lived to make himself happy and that was all he really cared about. I find it perplexing that he didn’t seem to even love the only steady person in his life! Then I start thinking…..maybe he IS a narcissist. I also recently found out there are the "poor me" Narcissistic types which explains how Husband doesn't really come off as trying to be self important but can still be so self centered.
He was always more than happy to use me and take advantage of me…. let me orbit his planet so to speak. He didn’t even seem to grasp that it was unfair. He seemed to be more of the mindset that he deserved it and it was his right.
Yes, he is an only child, and I am sure that is part of his problem.
I Googled Narcissist again today and found these 5 personality traits to watch out for.
1) Projected Feelings of Insecurity: I don't mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere. I'm talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It's as if they're saying, "I don't want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings." Picture the boss who questions your methods after their own decision derails an important project, the date who frequently claims not to understand what you've said, even when you've been perfectly clear, or the friend who always damns you with faint praise ("Pretty good job this time!"). Remember the saying: "Don't knock your neighbor's porch light out to make yours shine brighter." Well, the narcissist loves to knock out your lights to seem brighter by comparison.
Husband used to sneer at me and say things to me like “I don’t think you will ever be happy” or “You have never had a successful relationship so obviously you have issues” or he would just get upset with me if I seemed too happy; it was like me feeling good somehow made him feel bad. I never got the feeling he was on my side or rooting for me. In fact he seemed to feel he was winning if I was losing.
2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.
Husband ALWAYS said we couldn’t talk unless it was non emotional. Husband always tried so hard to be non-emotional...either good or bad. He was almost inhuman. I know he behaves in a passive aggressive manner because he is suppressing his feelings (which he is proud of) so they play out in other ways. He really does not seem to be normal in emotional ways.
3) A Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see here and here). But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say -- and very likely, that's why you're not hearing them.
Husband rarely if ever talked about his childhood. The few fact driven stories I did hear were not pleasant. Stories of him being too quiet, his sister dying, his mother going through a long deep depression, him thinking his father didn’t love him, the time he rode on the back of his moms bike only to get his foot in the wheel spokes. Yet, on the few occasions that I suggested he may have some lingering issues related to his upbringing he got VERY angry and insisted he had the greatest parents in the world and an ideal childhood.
4) Idol Worship: Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: "If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I'll become perfect by association." The fact that no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist -- at least until they discover, as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might feel.
Husband never seemed to worship anyone. In fact he seems to not even like anyone. My interpretation is that he can’t be bothered with other people because it detracts from his *me time* which is where he prefers to put his energy. He bikes alone, runs alone and mostly plays alone. He has no interest in “putting up” with others. This is my observation but I know he would say he loves people if you asked him. I don’t think he does though. I think he says it because it sounds normal.
5) A High Need for Control: For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject of feelings, they can't stand to be at the mercy of other people's preferences; it reminds them that they aren't invulnerable or completely independent -- that, in fact, they might have to ask for what they want -- and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. (Think of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn't ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he's forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he'd rather avoid.) But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler than outright abuse. Be on the lookout for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching certain topics or sharing your own preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits without expressing any anger at all -- a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans, chronic lateness whenever you're in charge of arranging a night together. It's more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom.
THIS IS TOTALLY MY HUSBAND! Never communicating with me yet somehow always making things be on his terms. We named our daughter what he wanted to name her and he would have no negotiating at all. My name was just not going to happen. I fought him on it for a while and he wore me down. We never actually argued....he just refused to listen to me; to even consider my idea. My own mother told me to cave for the sake of our relationship. I wish someone would have told me to stand up for myself more often!
None of these signs, in isolation, proves that you're with a narcissist. But if you see a lot of them, it's best to sit up and take notice. They're all ways of dodging vulnerability, and that's a narcissist's favorite tactic.
So yes, I do now believe he is a Narcissist and that actually helps me to understand why he acts like he does. I like being able to label his disorder.
Side note: A co-worker just stopped by and told me that I have been in a much better mood the last few months. I think I perked up when I finally decided to move out and found a place to move. I could finally see the way out and I was happy about it. I feel positively weightless at this point. Life feels better than it has in ….oh…….14 years!! I am almost shocked at how good I feel.
He was always more than happy to use me and take advantage of me…. let me orbit his planet so to speak. He didn’t even seem to grasp that it was unfair. He seemed to be more of the mindset that he deserved it and it was his right.
Yes, he is an only child, and I am sure that is part of his problem.
I Googled Narcissist again today and found these 5 personality traits to watch out for.
1) Projected Feelings of Insecurity: I don't mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere. I'm talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It's as if they're saying, "I don't want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings." Picture the boss who questions your methods after their own decision derails an important project, the date who frequently claims not to understand what you've said, even when you've been perfectly clear, or the friend who always damns you with faint praise ("Pretty good job this time!"). Remember the saying: "Don't knock your neighbor's porch light out to make yours shine brighter." Well, the narcissist loves to knock out your lights to seem brighter by comparison.
Husband used to sneer at me and say things to me like “I don’t think you will ever be happy” or “You have never had a successful relationship so obviously you have issues” or he would just get upset with me if I seemed too happy; it was like me feeling good somehow made him feel bad. I never got the feeling he was on my side or rooting for me. In fact he seemed to feel he was winning if I was losing.
2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.
Husband ALWAYS said we couldn’t talk unless it was non emotional. Husband always tried so hard to be non-emotional...either good or bad. He was almost inhuman. I know he behaves in a passive aggressive manner because he is suppressing his feelings (which he is proud of) so they play out in other ways. He really does not seem to be normal in emotional ways.
3) A Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see here and here). But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say -- and very likely, that's why you're not hearing them.
Husband rarely if ever talked about his childhood. The few fact driven stories I did hear were not pleasant. Stories of him being too quiet, his sister dying, his mother going through a long deep depression, him thinking his father didn’t love him, the time he rode on the back of his moms bike only to get his foot in the wheel spokes. Yet, on the few occasions that I suggested he may have some lingering issues related to his upbringing he got VERY angry and insisted he had the greatest parents in the world and an ideal childhood.
4) Idol Worship: Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: "If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I'll become perfect by association." The fact that no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist -- at least until they discover, as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might feel.
Husband never seemed to worship anyone. In fact he seems to not even like anyone. My interpretation is that he can’t be bothered with other people because it detracts from his *me time* which is where he prefers to put his energy. He bikes alone, runs alone and mostly plays alone. He has no interest in “putting up” with others. This is my observation but I know he would say he loves people if you asked him. I don’t think he does though. I think he says it because it sounds normal.
5) A High Need for Control: For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject of feelings, they can't stand to be at the mercy of other people's preferences; it reminds them that they aren't invulnerable or completely independent -- that, in fact, they might have to ask for what they want -- and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. (Think of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn't ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he's forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he'd rather avoid.) But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler than outright abuse. Be on the lookout for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching certain topics or sharing your own preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits without expressing any anger at all -- a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans, chronic lateness whenever you're in charge of arranging a night together. It's more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom.
THIS IS TOTALLY MY HUSBAND! Never communicating with me yet somehow always making things be on his terms. We named our daughter what he wanted to name her and he would have no negotiating at all. My name was just not going to happen. I fought him on it for a while and he wore me down. We never actually argued....he just refused to listen to me; to even consider my idea. My own mother told me to cave for the sake of our relationship. I wish someone would have told me to stand up for myself more often!
None of these signs, in isolation, proves that you're with a narcissist. But if you see a lot of them, it's best to sit up and take notice. They're all ways of dodging vulnerability, and that's a narcissist's favorite tactic.
So yes, I do now believe he is a Narcissist and that actually helps me to understand why he acts like he does. I like being able to label his disorder.
Side note: A co-worker just stopped by and told me that I have been in a much better mood the last few months. I think I perked up when I finally decided to move out and found a place to move. I could finally see the way out and I was happy about it. I feel positively weightless at this point. Life feels better than it has in ….oh…….14 years!! I am almost shocked at how good I feel.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Quick Update
Saturday Kevin came over and we rearranged the bins and boxes stacked in my garage. The movers had just piled them neatly at the back of the garage but I need them stacked so I could get to some and not others. Anyhow, it was nice to have a strong man to do the lifting while I stood there and directed.
Saturday evening I unloaded the last of the boxes and declared myself fully moved; paintings are on the wall, most little details taken care of. I am feeling more and more at home. Ahhh
Sunday around noon I dropped Beanie at her Dad's. He was in a good mood (after a mostly kid free weekend) and we chatted a bit and everything was fine. I think we are both starting to adjust to the new normal.
So spring is in the air and I am feeling really good. Not dealing with a crappy husband is even better than I had imagined. I am actually surprised how little he even crosses my mind.
Now if I can just get the divorce done and the $$ for the house!
Saturday evening I unloaded the last of the boxes and declared myself fully moved; paintings are on the wall, most little details taken care of. I am feeling more and more at home. Ahhh
Sunday around noon I dropped Beanie at her Dad's. He was in a good mood (after a mostly kid free weekend) and we chatted a bit and everything was fine. I think we are both starting to adjust to the new normal.
So spring is in the air and I am feeling really good. Not dealing with a crappy husband is even better than I had imagined. I am actually surprised how little he even crosses my mind.
Now if I can just get the divorce done and the $$ for the house!
Friday, April 4, 2014
Erotion of Hope
The three blows that killed my marriage:
1) When we went to the marriage counselor together I had great hopes that things would finally improve. BUT, that is not what happened. This was the first real blow to my hopes that our marriage would work out.
2) We finally scheduled a family vacation in the summer of 2012. While we were in Cancun we stayed at a very nice all inclusive hotel. It was the perfect setting for a little romance or at least some cozy walks on the beach with your hubby. Again, I was hopeful that we would have a fantastic time and I would return feeling good about where our marriage was headed. Instead, the first time I initiated anything resembling intimacy I was met with resistance. The second time he flat out asked me if I was trying to ruin our vacation! That was a slap in the face I will never forget.
3) The final blow was just this last summer when only days before a scheduled party that we were supposed to attend together (I had made sure we had a sitter and purchased a new dress. Lots of planning) he came up with an alternative plan that would put him out of town instead of at the party with me. This was the same day I said FUCK IT and went on a motorcycle ride with my friend Kevin. This was the final nail in the coffin.
Then I tell Husband I want a divorce THEN he decides he wants to be married to me; he wants another chance to show me he loves me. He had a million chances to show me that he wanted to be married to me and chose to pass them up.
Ever since December when Husband and I started discussing divorce I have had this occasional nagging thought “what if he really could change? What if I stayed and things were different and we could still be a family?” I never wanted anything more in life than to have a REAL family with a loving supportive husband.
At times I felt tempted to give it a shot but then I would think about breaking Kevin’s heart and know I couldn’t do that. Then I would think of all the things Husband has done in the past and remind myself that it is easy for him to talk a good talk, but he has never been able to follow up with real actions. Past behavior is the best indicator of future outcomes. He is who he is and he won’t change even if I give him 100 chances.
Not to mention that there is a good chance that his big acts of “I DO love you…I finally see that!” were easy enough for him to put out there if he was pretty sure I wouldn’t actually respond. It makes him look good and feel good to think he begged me to stay. But does it count if he really didn’t want me to stay and never would have made those gestures if he thought I actually would take him up on it?
Lately he seems very happy and well-adjusted with no interest what so ever in me. I would venture to say if he really loved me it would take more than 3 months to recover from this. Just saying.
Yesterday Husband and I had a brief email talk and just to test the water (cause he was still playing the poor me my wife left me game) I told him what I wanted and needed in a husband and told him if he REALLY thought he could give me that, and wanted to, we could give it one last try. AND I cautioned him strongly not to say yes unless he really meant it. He never responded!
The point is he does not, nor did he ever want to be MY husband. He is actually happy it worked out like this. Now he can go find some young pretty arm candy to date. The few little outburst or emotional reactions were probably 90% conjured up so he could feel that he is normal and gives a shit or they were just him being sad that he no longer has a live in maid and babysitter. Oh and that I took the peanut butter.
I am so ready to sign the papers and never look back!
1) When we went to the marriage counselor together I had great hopes that things would finally improve. BUT, that is not what happened. This was the first real blow to my hopes that our marriage would work out.
2) We finally scheduled a family vacation in the summer of 2012. While we were in Cancun we stayed at a very nice all inclusive hotel. It was the perfect setting for a little romance or at least some cozy walks on the beach with your hubby. Again, I was hopeful that we would have a fantastic time and I would return feeling good about where our marriage was headed. Instead, the first time I initiated anything resembling intimacy I was met with resistance. The second time he flat out asked me if I was trying to ruin our vacation! That was a slap in the face I will never forget.
3) The final blow was just this last summer when only days before a scheduled party that we were supposed to attend together (I had made sure we had a sitter and purchased a new dress. Lots of planning) he came up with an alternative plan that would put him out of town instead of at the party with me. This was the same day I said FUCK IT and went on a motorcycle ride with my friend Kevin. This was the final nail in the coffin.
Then I tell Husband I want a divorce THEN he decides he wants to be married to me; he wants another chance to show me he loves me. He had a million chances to show me that he wanted to be married to me and chose to pass them up.
Ever since December when Husband and I started discussing divorce I have had this occasional nagging thought “what if he really could change? What if I stayed and things were different and we could still be a family?” I never wanted anything more in life than to have a REAL family with a loving supportive husband.
At times I felt tempted to give it a shot but then I would think about breaking Kevin’s heart and know I couldn’t do that. Then I would think of all the things Husband has done in the past and remind myself that it is easy for him to talk a good talk, but he has never been able to follow up with real actions. Past behavior is the best indicator of future outcomes. He is who he is and he won’t change even if I give him 100 chances.
Not to mention that there is a good chance that his big acts of “I DO love you…I finally see that!” were easy enough for him to put out there if he was pretty sure I wouldn’t actually respond. It makes him look good and feel good to think he begged me to stay. But does it count if he really didn’t want me to stay and never would have made those gestures if he thought I actually would take him up on it?
Lately he seems very happy and well-adjusted with no interest what so ever in me. I would venture to say if he really loved me it would take more than 3 months to recover from this. Just saying.
Yesterday Husband and I had a brief email talk and just to test the water (cause he was still playing the poor me my wife left me game) I told him what I wanted and needed in a husband and told him if he REALLY thought he could give me that, and wanted to, we could give it one last try. AND I cautioned him strongly not to say yes unless he really meant it. He never responded!
The point is he does not, nor did he ever want to be MY husband. He is actually happy it worked out like this. Now he can go find some young pretty arm candy to date. The few little outburst or emotional reactions were probably 90% conjured up so he could feel that he is normal and gives a shit or they were just him being sad that he no longer has a live in maid and babysitter. Oh and that I took the peanut butter.
I am so ready to sign the papers and never look back!
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Marriage Counselors
Over at chumplady.com the discussion today is about therapist. Oh boy do I have a lot to say on this subject. But first, I had to cut and paste this comment because it made me laugh and it is so true. This woman was telling about her wonderful therapist. (I read Chump Lady all day long!! the comments were engrossing.)
“She helped me see how strong I am. I’m a smart woman and I didn’t need to take his shit anymore. She was WONDERFUL! I don’t need a therapist anymore. My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize! He was just a piece of stinking shit!”
This part >>> “My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize!” <<< this is the line that really grabs me….although I don’t think my husband is THAT bad, the fact remains, why did I hang on for so long when it was hurting me so much?
Last year I got into therapy. It was my new year’s resolution. I went to see a great marriage counselor who I would totally recommend to any couple that is having some issues and needs some help getting back on track. (On a side note he is just a great person….I really like George.) But, for me, and the situation I was in, it was not a good fit. You see, George is of the mind set that you have to save the marriage at all costs! He would take every single little piece of positive information and hold it up and say “well things are getting better!” as a way to encourage me to keep trying to make my marriage work. I told him all about how my husband cheated on me when we were dating, how he was reluctant to commit for years, how he always acted secretive and was not always honest with me. I told him enough that he should have really questioned my husband’s motives. I told him enough about how our marriage hurt me that he should have at least entertained the idea that it was not working for me and maybe it couldn’t be saved. But, even to the very end, when I told him we were getting a divorce and my husband had admitted to not being in love with me, George still thought divorce was the WRONG option. WTH!?!
The truth is that when you live in a situation where you constantly get mixed messages and your opinion/feelings are not valued, you do get a little crazy. Husband said he loved me but he didn’t. Husband married but he didn’t want to be married to me. Husband would agree that we should talk more (because he knew that is what I wanted) but then go to great lengths to be sure it didn’t happen or if it did he would be sure it wasn't pleasant so I wouldn’t want to do it again anytime soon. Husband agreed we should do more together as a couple (again because I pushed for it) yet all my attempts at planning and executing such things were met with great resistance or even a last minute change of plans so it didn’t happen.
But…back to the discussion on therapist…back in April 2011 Husband I went to a marriage counselor together. (READ OLD POST HERE) I remember breaking down in tears of joy that he was willing to go. To me that meant something, to me that meant he cared enough to put forth some effort to make things better. I had high hopes that it would make a difference and maybe for once he would hear me and things would change. Instead he came in there week after week and sat there and told the therapist what he thought she wanted to hear and acted like he hadn’t a clue that I was unhappy and was eager to be a good husband. Then he would leave and sulk all week because I said I didn’t like something and he was so hurt by that comment. Really he was just manipulating the situation so it would turn into the “don’t hurt Husband’s feeling show” instead of the let’s get serious about fixing issues. He really didn’t want to fix things he just wanted to get me off his back. His goal all through our marriage was do as he pleases as much as possible (pretend he is single) and that involved keeping me happy on some level so I would leave him alone.
I know he has some regrets now because as he says “he is sorry to be losing his family” but truth of the matter is I deserve a husband that loves me and treats me with respect and I do not feel guilty at all for ending this 7+ year fiasco that both of us created out of our own insecurities and misguided desires. Husband, by his own admission, never wanted me, I just made it too easy for him.
As I look back over my marriage the thing I regret the most is even getting married. I wish I had been smart enough and self-confident enough to walk away when every step was a struggle. I really thought, back then, that if we got “over the hump” we would make a go of it. I really thought that if two decent people care for each other they can make a marriage work and make it good. I really didn’t realize the extent of his reluctance to be there because he didn’t come out and profess it. Instead it just seeped in around the edges all the time and ate away at my gut so I never felt “right”. It is too bat that my parents trained to me to put up with a lot of bullshit like that and not have higher expectations in life.
“She helped me see how strong I am. I’m a smart woman and I didn’t need to take his shit anymore. She was WONDERFUL! I don’t need a therapist anymore. My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize! He was just a piece of stinking shit!”
This part >>> “My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize!” <<< this is the line that really grabs me….although I don’t think my husband is THAT bad, the fact remains, why did I hang on for so long when it was hurting me so much?
Last year I got into therapy. It was my new year’s resolution. I went to see a great marriage counselor who I would totally recommend to any couple that is having some issues and needs some help getting back on track. (On a side note he is just a great person….I really like George.) But, for me, and the situation I was in, it was not a good fit. You see, George is of the mind set that you have to save the marriage at all costs! He would take every single little piece of positive information and hold it up and say “well things are getting better!” as a way to encourage me to keep trying to make my marriage work. I told him all about how my husband cheated on me when we were dating, how he was reluctant to commit for years, how he always acted secretive and was not always honest with me. I told him enough that he should have really questioned my husband’s motives. I told him enough about how our marriage hurt me that he should have at least entertained the idea that it was not working for me and maybe it couldn’t be saved. But, even to the very end, when I told him we were getting a divorce and my husband had admitted to not being in love with me, George still thought divorce was the WRONG option. WTH!?!
The truth is that when you live in a situation where you constantly get mixed messages and your opinion/feelings are not valued, you do get a little crazy. Husband said he loved me but he didn’t. Husband married but he didn’t want to be married to me. Husband would agree that we should talk more (because he knew that is what I wanted) but then go to great lengths to be sure it didn’t happen or if it did he would be sure it wasn't pleasant so I wouldn’t want to do it again anytime soon. Husband agreed we should do more together as a couple (again because I pushed for it) yet all my attempts at planning and executing such things were met with great resistance or even a last minute change of plans so it didn’t happen.
But…back to the discussion on therapist…back in April 2011 Husband I went to a marriage counselor together. (READ OLD POST HERE) I remember breaking down in tears of joy that he was willing to go. To me that meant something, to me that meant he cared enough to put forth some effort to make things better. I had high hopes that it would make a difference and maybe for once he would hear me and things would change. Instead he came in there week after week and sat there and told the therapist what he thought she wanted to hear and acted like he hadn’t a clue that I was unhappy and was eager to be a good husband. Then he would leave and sulk all week because I said I didn’t like something and he was so hurt by that comment. Really he was just manipulating the situation so it would turn into the “don’t hurt Husband’s feeling show” instead of the let’s get serious about fixing issues. He really didn’t want to fix things he just wanted to get me off his back. His goal all through our marriage was do as he pleases as much as possible (pretend he is single) and that involved keeping me happy on some level so I would leave him alone.
I know he has some regrets now because as he says “he is sorry to be losing his family” but truth of the matter is I deserve a husband that loves me and treats me with respect and I do not feel guilty at all for ending this 7+ year fiasco that both of us created out of our own insecurities and misguided desires. Husband, by his own admission, never wanted me, I just made it too easy for him.
As I look back over my marriage the thing I regret the most is even getting married. I wish I had been smart enough and self-confident enough to walk away when every step was a struggle. I really thought, back then, that if we got “over the hump” we would make a go of it. I really thought that if two decent people care for each other they can make a marriage work and make it good. I really didn’t realize the extent of his reluctance to be there because he didn’t come out and profess it. Instead it just seeped in around the edges all the time and ate away at my gut so I never felt “right”. It is too bat that my parents trained to me to put up with a lot of bullshit like that and not have higher expectations in life.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
How It Is All Shaking Out
“The fact that we did not fully connect on an emotional level during our relationship, has made this break up much easier than I thought it would be.”
Read this on a blog this morning and it really hit home.
I always hated that Husband and I never really connected and that he chose to isolate himself and not spend much time with me. BUT, the up side to that is now that I have moved out I don’t miss him at all. I mean I missed him way more when I was there and he wasn’t there either emotionally or physically. Now he is not around, but that is the way it is supposed to be. I could never look to him for companionship so I don’t feel a void.
And really, for the most part this divorce has been free of drama. I have a friend who tells me her STBX husband hits her every once in a while. WOW! Emotions are running very high at her house. My husband and I have had a few arguments and a few foul words but for the most part it has been very calm. Then again he did try to steal the lid to my pan (spoiled only child wants something and takes it). I would say this is a testament to our maturity but really I think it is the fact that we were never that close and we never REALLY had a marriage. Deep down he is relieved because he didn’t love me anyway and only married me because he was “supposed” to. I am relieved to be away from the mixed message of yes we are married but don’t expect me to share my life with you…..don’t expect anything from me.
Speaking of expectations, Husband always worked so hard to be sure that I was “pulling my weight”. He didn’t want me to tax or burden him in any way. He wanted a fair and equitable 50/50 arrangement….or I could give more than half….he was fine with that. Kevin is totally different. With us it is 100/100 (as it should be). We both always try to do most that we can for each other. He gladly pays whenever I will let him. He wants to care for me and he wants me to feel cared for. There are never any thoughts of what is my half; it is always I will do ANYTHING for you because what is good for you is good for us and what is good for us is good for me. We truly are a team and it feels so incredible.
Since I moved out Husband has gone back to his normal self. He can’t be bothered to talk to me, his life is a big secret and he seems pretty happy. When I dropped off our daughter Saturday evening he was on the phone and couldn’t bring himself to stop the conversation to talk to me for a moment. His social life is important now….very important.
Anyway, he seems to be good as new or even better. In fact it seems like he has reverted to the pre “me” days. He has a race planned this weekend and his buddy Slebos is coming into town. He already purchased furniture for his guest room and replaced EVERY SINGLE thing I took with me. In his own words he has “licked his wounds and is feeling much better.”
He did pay his rent on time and that is good. Hopefully he has no interest in messing with me financially.
I did recently buy our daughter a whole new spring wardrobe. She had grown out of all her summer clothes over winter and now with two houses it was even more important for her to have clothes available. I didn’t ask him to pay me back for half since he has been constantly whining about his finances. Now I feel like a chump again. I should have flat out told him he had to pay half. Then again it would have led to a whole fight about how much clothes she really needs etc. etc.
Fuck I hate divorce.
Last night I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and for a moment thought I was in bed at home with Husband. It was an odd feeling. I surely don’t miss sleeping with him since we always had a good 3 feet of bed (on a Queen size none the less) between us but there was a sense of familiarity and stability about it. Like I had every right to be there and it was MY home. I mean I slept there for the last 7.5 years. Now I feel out of sorts in a rental home that I am not used to or at Kevin’s’ house. Both aren’t mine. I know it is just a phase. I will feel at home somewhere soon enough. Still it made me sad.
Last night I was telling Kevin the schedule of when I have Bean and when husband has her. This weekend Husband has a race and company so I said I would keep the girl all weekend. I try to be nice in the hopes he will reciprocate one day. Kevin then gets upset and feels I am letting him take advantage of me. Then I get upset because I really don’t want the whole world angling to get rid of the kid. I mean it breaks my heart to think the next 12 years will be me and him trying to keep it fair so I don’t have all the burden and he doesn’t have more than his share. I am sure me being nice will probably not influence husband to be less selfish, never has before so why do I still think it might? I guess I expect him to be like me and he is not.
Fuck I hate divorce.
So my little house is pretty well set up and functioning properly. I have internet and mail service and I have cooked and done laundry and know where my deodorant is. It is slowly but surely feeling more like home. It’s nothing fancy but it’s functional and it’s filled with the things I love like artwork my kids did and keepsakes from my grandparents. AND....I’m really glad I have a garage since we are prone to hail storms in this part of the country.
Now, the next step is to hammer out some paper work for the attorney. I have a rough draft in my in box and I need to send it to the hubby to review. I am balking today since it is the first of April. BUT tomorrow, tomorrow I really need to send it to him. I am such a puss I am putting it off because I don’t want to upset him.
Fuck I hate divorce.
Read this on a blog this morning and it really hit home.
I always hated that Husband and I never really connected and that he chose to isolate himself and not spend much time with me. BUT, the up side to that is now that I have moved out I don’t miss him at all. I mean I missed him way more when I was there and he wasn’t there either emotionally or physically. Now he is not around, but that is the way it is supposed to be. I could never look to him for companionship so I don’t feel a void.
And really, for the most part this divorce has been free of drama. I have a friend who tells me her STBX husband hits her every once in a while. WOW! Emotions are running very high at her house. My husband and I have had a few arguments and a few foul words but for the most part it has been very calm. Then again he did try to steal the lid to my pan (spoiled only child wants something and takes it). I would say this is a testament to our maturity but really I think it is the fact that we were never that close and we never REALLY had a marriage. Deep down he is relieved because he didn’t love me anyway and only married me because he was “supposed” to. I am relieved to be away from the mixed message of yes we are married but don’t expect me to share my life with you…..don’t expect anything from me.
Speaking of expectations, Husband always worked so hard to be sure that I was “pulling my weight”. He didn’t want me to tax or burden him in any way. He wanted a fair and equitable 50/50 arrangement….or I could give more than half….he was fine with that. Kevin is totally different. With us it is 100/100 (as it should be). We both always try to do most that we can for each other. He gladly pays whenever I will let him. He wants to care for me and he wants me to feel cared for. There are never any thoughts of what is my half; it is always I will do ANYTHING for you because what is good for you is good for us and what is good for us is good for me. We truly are a team and it feels so incredible.
Since I moved out Husband has gone back to his normal self. He can’t be bothered to talk to me, his life is a big secret and he seems pretty happy. When I dropped off our daughter Saturday evening he was on the phone and couldn’t bring himself to stop the conversation to talk to me for a moment. His social life is important now….very important.
Anyway, he seems to be good as new or even better. In fact it seems like he has reverted to the pre “me” days. He has a race planned this weekend and his buddy Slebos is coming into town. He already purchased furniture for his guest room and replaced EVERY SINGLE thing I took with me. In his own words he has “licked his wounds and is feeling much better.”
He did pay his rent on time and that is good. Hopefully he has no interest in messing with me financially.
I did recently buy our daughter a whole new spring wardrobe. She had grown out of all her summer clothes over winter and now with two houses it was even more important for her to have clothes available. I didn’t ask him to pay me back for half since he has been constantly whining about his finances. Now I feel like a chump again. I should have flat out told him he had to pay half. Then again it would have led to a whole fight about how much clothes she really needs etc. etc.
Fuck I hate divorce.
Last night I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and for a moment thought I was in bed at home with Husband. It was an odd feeling. I surely don’t miss sleeping with him since we always had a good 3 feet of bed (on a Queen size none the less) between us but there was a sense of familiarity and stability about it. Like I had every right to be there and it was MY home. I mean I slept there for the last 7.5 years. Now I feel out of sorts in a rental home that I am not used to or at Kevin’s’ house. Both aren’t mine. I know it is just a phase. I will feel at home somewhere soon enough. Still it made me sad.
Last night I was telling Kevin the schedule of when I have Bean and when husband has her. This weekend Husband has a race and company so I said I would keep the girl all weekend. I try to be nice in the hopes he will reciprocate one day. Kevin then gets upset and feels I am letting him take advantage of me. Then I get upset because I really don’t want the whole world angling to get rid of the kid. I mean it breaks my heart to think the next 12 years will be me and him trying to keep it fair so I don’t have all the burden and he doesn’t have more than his share. I am sure me being nice will probably not influence husband to be less selfish, never has before so why do I still think it might? I guess I expect him to be like me and he is not.
Fuck I hate divorce.
So my little house is pretty well set up and functioning properly. I have internet and mail service and I have cooked and done laundry and know where my deodorant is. It is slowly but surely feeling more like home. It’s nothing fancy but it’s functional and it’s filled with the things I love like artwork my kids did and keepsakes from my grandparents. AND....I’m really glad I have a garage since we are prone to hail storms in this part of the country.
Now, the next step is to hammer out some paper work for the attorney. I have a rough draft in my in box and I need to send it to the hubby to review. I am balking today since it is the first of April. BUT tomorrow, tomorrow I really need to send it to him. I am such a puss I am putting it off because I don’t want to upset him.
Fuck I hate divorce.
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