So I have not heard a word out of Mr. S and I am really happy about that. I am starting to sleep better and feel that maybe I dodged a bullet; that I can think of this as a brush with disaster and a lesson learned. I truly hope things are going better for him and that he is going to build a stronger, better marriage from this.
But if I am to be totally honest I have to admit, I miss him. I miss the attention. I miss my friend. I miss feeling desired. I miss the excitement.
My husband has been good to me this week so I can’t complain, but he does not, nor will he ever make me feel so full, so alive, so connected. I know that and I am willing to accept that. But it doesn’t mean I won’t miss it.
Life is choices and tradeoffs and I understand that. Oh do I understand that.
Last week I was talking to a friend and she asked me if I feel my husband is my friend. I quickly said “NO”. Because it is true, I don’t feel he is my friend. I feel he is my lover, my husband, my mate but not my friend.
Friends (to me anyway) are people you share with, people you trust, and people you can’t wait to spend time with. That is just not how we relate to each other. It is not how he relates to anyone. He is not a sharing person. He does not share of himself nor is he excited to have you share with him. He doesn’t want to know what messy crap is cooking in another person’s head. He only wants you to communicate things to him that he MUST know. He does not need nor want friendship and that is just who he is.
He really has no friends and I would feel sorry for him if I thought for a second that it was not the way he prefers it to be.
I on the other hand I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, my friends and think they are the best thing in the world. I wish I had more!! But I assure you the ones I do have are of the best quality.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Paradigm Shift
Today, I realized something about my marriage I had not considered before. It may sound simple now, but it has not been so simple in my head. In fact, I venture to say it has been the biggest stumbling block of our marriage.
When Rocco decided that he was not interested in caring for our relationship anymore and started to piss it away, he made a lot of changes in how he treated me. He started to be more distant and less communicative. He started to call our house my house. He started to buy his own groceries and make plans without me. He started to go to bed at a different time then I did. He treated me more like a roommate and less like a lover. He quit complimenting me and saying nice things to me and would occasionally spout something critical or negative at me. And the list goes on.
So, my husband does all these things to me. He always has and he still does. Of course, I interpret them negatively. I assume that he would not treat me that way unless he was feeling like Rocco was and wanting to NOT be with me. I see the above actions as someone trying to destroy, not build a relationship. And, it is understandable that I would see them as such because that is my frame of reference; that is what I have experienced in my life.
So the whole time my husband is doing these things he keeps telling me he loves me and wants our marriage to be happy. I in turn say your actions and your words don’t line up and actions speak louder than words so you must be saying a bunch of BS to my face in order to cover your guilt for your real feeling which seem to be that you are not in this for the long run that you are just biding your time until you can get out cleanly. (Just like Rocco was)
HOWEVER, I think I have finally come to realize that my husband is speaking the truth and it is just some personality dysfunction that causes him to behave so much like my old boyfriend who was busy pining away for a girl he worked with. My husband is just naturally not a connector. So he is disconnected from me (IMO). BUT, at this point I do believe he is closer to me than he is to anyone else and maybe even closer than he has ever been. My point is this: he is not Rocco and his actions DO NOT mean the same thing.
My husband is not like other people and I know that. I need to understand him and treat him separately from my prior experience.
I made this list of who I think he is………..good or bad, it is what it is.
a) Introverted and not a talker.
b) Self absorbed and somewhat selfish (only child).
c) Depressive (anti depressants have been known to make a huge difference).
d) Analytic and focused
e) Very intelligent and resourceful
f) Addicted to exercise and obsessed with maintaining his weight. (years of running track)
g) Pragmatic
h) Hyper socially aware…..always politically correct. Will say the “right” thing.
i) Hard to commit but very dedicated once committed.
j) Undisciplined but very driven.
k) More concerned with appearances than the truth.
The better I understand him the better my chances of interpreting his actions correctly!
When Rocco decided that he was not interested in caring for our relationship anymore and started to piss it away, he made a lot of changes in how he treated me. He started to be more distant and less communicative. He started to call our house my house. He started to buy his own groceries and make plans without me. He started to go to bed at a different time then I did. He treated me more like a roommate and less like a lover. He quit complimenting me and saying nice things to me and would occasionally spout something critical or negative at me. And the list goes on.
So, my husband does all these things to me. He always has and he still does. Of course, I interpret them negatively. I assume that he would not treat me that way unless he was feeling like Rocco was and wanting to NOT be with me. I see the above actions as someone trying to destroy, not build a relationship. And, it is understandable that I would see them as such because that is my frame of reference; that is what I have experienced in my life.
So the whole time my husband is doing these things he keeps telling me he loves me and wants our marriage to be happy. I in turn say your actions and your words don’t line up and actions speak louder than words so you must be saying a bunch of BS to my face in order to cover your guilt for your real feeling which seem to be that you are not in this for the long run that you are just biding your time until you can get out cleanly. (Just like Rocco was)
HOWEVER, I think I have finally come to realize that my husband is speaking the truth and it is just some personality dysfunction that causes him to behave so much like my old boyfriend who was busy pining away for a girl he worked with. My husband is just naturally not a connector. So he is disconnected from me (IMO). BUT, at this point I do believe he is closer to me than he is to anyone else and maybe even closer than he has ever been. My point is this: he is not Rocco and his actions DO NOT mean the same thing.
My husband is not like other people and I know that. I need to understand him and treat him separately from my prior experience.
I made this list of who I think he is………..good or bad, it is what it is.
a) Introverted and not a talker.
b) Self absorbed and somewhat selfish (only child).
c) Depressive (anti depressants have been known to make a huge difference).
d) Analytic and focused
e) Very intelligent and resourceful
f) Addicted to exercise and obsessed with maintaining his weight. (years of running track)
g) Pragmatic
h) Hyper socially aware…..always politically correct. Will say the “right” thing.
i) Hard to commit but very dedicated once committed.
j) Undisciplined but very driven.
k) More concerned with appearances than the truth.
The better I understand him the better my chances of interpreting his actions correctly!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Just Waiting
Yesterday was relatively quiet, but I was still very nervous and jumpy about the whole situation with Mr. S. I just hope he is doing his best to patch things up with his wife. I am really looking forward to putting some space (time) between me and this whole thing. Monday night I barely slept a wink. Last night I slept better but I still just can’t get rid of the knot in my stomach.
I SO SO SO don’t want to discuss this whole thing with my husband. He just doesn’t need to deal with it. No good could come of it. Part of me thinks he would not really think much of it. I think he would believe me that nothing sexual happened and that it was flirting and attention. I think he would certainly understand why I did it. I am not even sure he would be hurt. He is not the jealous type, not even a little bit. Also, he owes me one, a whole one, for everything he did with Rachel, the girl from Kansas City. Oh how he rubbed that in my face. If I had to I would so play that card.
At this point I am just kicking myself in the ass. I knew something like this might happen and I should have just shut any and all attempts at romance down the minute they arrived. I am sure I could have managed the whole thing better. I feel like such an idiot. I only hope that God sees fit to give me another chance. A chance to be a better wife from now on and never even tread along the edges of an affair because obviously that is STILL too close.
In my mind, I envisioned us having a secret crush on each other and it being rather sweet and reassuring. I never actually envisioned some full blown affair. I did not think we would be sneaking off to have sex behind everyone’s back. (I may have fantasized about it but I am 99% sure I could not have done it.) I just wanted love letters and some attention. I wanted to be wanted. It was nice to look forward to having someone send you a note in the morning because they really missed you all night.
I worry that he envisioned us running off together and starting some new life together. Although I am confident I NEVER gave him the impression I would. I assume that because he has never been divorced that he has no idea of all the disaster that would ensue if we were to try and leave our spouses. I never wanted to leave my spouse, that was not even remotely in my mind and I find it hard to believe he would. He has been married for 15 years; obviously his marriage can’t be too awful. He certainly never told me it was.
This morning, he sent me an email from work. He said mushy things and I read it in horror. I don’t understand why he takes risks that he obviously can’t afford. He also mentioned stopping by my work next week to drop off a book and a jump drive I loaned him. When I read that I just felt so mad. I immediately emailed him back and said “do not come by my work!!” He sent me a number of replies insisting he would just leave them at the front desk and I did not have to see him or talk to him. I told him it was a dumb idea that his wife may be watching, that he can throw the stuff away but he had to stop contacting me and he should NEVER, EVER say things in an email he would not want her to read. After a dozen messaged back and forth he seemed to get the idea and said he understood and agreed and would not be contacting me anymore. Let’s hope he doesn’t.
He did leave me alone for the balance of the day.
I SO SO SO don’t want to discuss this whole thing with my husband. He just doesn’t need to deal with it. No good could come of it. Part of me thinks he would not really think much of it. I think he would believe me that nothing sexual happened and that it was flirting and attention. I think he would certainly understand why I did it. I am not even sure he would be hurt. He is not the jealous type, not even a little bit. Also, he owes me one, a whole one, for everything he did with Rachel, the girl from Kansas City. Oh how he rubbed that in my face. If I had to I would so play that card.
At this point I am just kicking myself in the ass. I knew something like this might happen and I should have just shut any and all attempts at romance down the minute they arrived. I am sure I could have managed the whole thing better. I feel like such an idiot. I only hope that God sees fit to give me another chance. A chance to be a better wife from now on and never even tread along the edges of an affair because obviously that is STILL too close.
In my mind, I envisioned us having a secret crush on each other and it being rather sweet and reassuring. I never actually envisioned some full blown affair. I did not think we would be sneaking off to have sex behind everyone’s back. (I may have fantasized about it but I am 99% sure I could not have done it.) I just wanted love letters and some attention. I wanted to be wanted. It was nice to look forward to having someone send you a note in the morning because they really missed you all night.
I worry that he envisioned us running off together and starting some new life together. Although I am confident I NEVER gave him the impression I would. I assume that because he has never been divorced that he has no idea of all the disaster that would ensue if we were to try and leave our spouses. I never wanted to leave my spouse, that was not even remotely in my mind and I find it hard to believe he would. He has been married for 15 years; obviously his marriage can’t be too awful. He certainly never told me it was.
This morning, he sent me an email from work. He said mushy things and I read it in horror. I don’t understand why he takes risks that he obviously can’t afford. He also mentioned stopping by my work next week to drop off a book and a jump drive I loaned him. When I read that I just felt so mad. I immediately emailed him back and said “do not come by my work!!” He sent me a number of replies insisting he would just leave them at the front desk and I did not have to see him or talk to him. I told him it was a dumb idea that his wife may be watching, that he can throw the stuff away but he had to stop contacting me and he should NEVER, EVER say things in an email he would not want her to read. After a dozen messaged back and forth he seemed to get the idea and said he understood and agreed and would not be contacting me anymore. Let’s hope he doesn’t.
He did leave me alone for the balance of the day.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
SHIT HITS THE FAN
About the same time yesterday that I was posting my stalking post, I received the news that Mr. S’s wife had somehow read an email he composed to me. He never told me what that email said, how she came to read it or exactly how this all happened. He did assure me that there was no other evidence to convict me and that I was not in grave danger. Well I feel in danger. So now his wife is mad as hell at him, as one would expect, and he is completely freaked out that he may lose his marriage and family.I have had 24 hours now to let this all sink in and the biggest thing I can say is this I AM SCARED TO DEATH!
What started out as an innocent crush has somehow mushroomed into a major catastrophe. I keep telling myself that we did not have an affair, we did not sneak off to be with each other, and we never had sex so how terrible could it all be. Yet somehow we still really effed things up.
Well, of course his wife does not believe that we never had sex. I have no idea what is going on at his house at this point. I just want out. I want to be as far away from it all as I can get. Don’t get me wrong I feel for him and I know that I am partly to blame, but how could he be so careless and why did he have to be so persistent with sending me mushy emails? I honestly think, in some perverse way, he may have wanted to get caught because he was not comfortable with his mixed feelings so he let her find out. Scary that he would be such an idiot!
I told him many; many times we were just friends. Friends that cared very much for each other and if we were not married we would certainly be dating and enjoyed the heck out of each other. But the reality is and always was that we were married and I wanted to be sure that no one got hurt. I was flattered that he liked me and the positive attention was nice, but certainly not worth risking marriages over. He knew that was my position the whole time.
Now I have a huge knot in my stomach because I am so worried this will get back to my husband and screw up my marriage just when I feel like my marriage is getting to be in a good place.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Unfolding
This morning I am feeling a wee bit stalked. This new man, let’s call him Mr. S, who at one point seemed so wonderful, attentive and caring is starting to feel more like….. needy, clingy and almost obsessed with me. I am starting to have fatal attraction concerns.
The background story is this: while on vacation I had the opportunity to get to know a very sweet man. We became close and basically palled around constantly while in Italy. It was loads of fun and I was really enjoying our special time together (as is evident by my last post). No we did not have sex, but we did grow very close to one another emotionally and could not help cuddling a bit on the last night of the trip.
He is a teacher at a nearby middle school and seems to be such a warm, loving, caring and giving soul. Someone who, right from the start, made me feel very accepted and cared for. It gave me a huge boost of self confidence. Basically he gave me what my husband can’t seem to…….acceptance.
The first few days back home after vacation were somewhat surreal. Mostly due to jet lag, but also due to the fact that I had grown to love the new (vacation & Mr. S) life and the old life felt, well, awkward. I even woke up the second night I was back, in my own bedroom, but could not figure out where I was. I just felt like I had fallen into a different universe. In some ways it was good. I rather like being detached from my real life. Mostly, I think it has been good for me. (I know that sounds odd, but if you know me well you understand.)
While on the trip, I assumed that once back home, Mr. S would go back to his family and I would go back to mine and nothing big would come from the whole experience other than some cherished memories and a possible new friend. I had no reason to suspect that Mr. S was having issues at home; in fact, he told me he was happily married and that he has two younger children. I didn’t think for a minute he would want to carry on with a more serious long term relationship with me after the vacation.
Back state side, we kept in touch via texting, email and the occasional phone call. As time has passed he has confessed to me that he and his wife are having “serious” talks, that he can’t live without me and that he would not want to choose between us. I have repeatedly told him that his family is WAY more important than I am and that I am in no way interested in wrecking his family or my own. I told him my marriage has issues, but I have assured him over and over again that I am not even remotely interested in ending my marriage.
Most baffling is that fact that I have only known this man for a few weeks. Who in their right mind would make such statements or even think such things about a person they barely know. I am pretty confident he would love to run off with me and just ditch our families. That is troubling……….not attractive, in fact it is a bit crazy. (See paragraph one)
AND, to make it all even more interesting, my husband has been MUCH sweeter to me since I returned from vacation. There has been more intimacy, more verbal affection, more shared moments and kind gestures. I am not sure what has gotten into him, but I love it. I wonder if my detached nature is making him more attracted to me? I wonder if he did not have something “interesting” happen to him while I was gone. Maybe just not seeing me for 10 days made him realize how much he really does appreciate me after all. Whatever it is, I sure hope it last for a while, or forever.
Funny how this whole experience has made me actually think about how much is really GOOD in my life. How much I would never want to lose my husband or our little family. How despite all the imperfections and things I wish we had, what we do have is pretty good. It may not be what I would have chosen, but in its own odd way it is working for us.
Last few days I have a sense of calm about our marriage. Instead of feeling it is a sham, I feel that it is real, that it might be a bit different than most, but it is ours and I am learning to love it. I really don’t mind being different and I am happy to have a real family.
The background story is this: while on vacation I had the opportunity to get to know a very sweet man. We became close and basically palled around constantly while in Italy. It was loads of fun and I was really enjoying our special time together (as is evident by my last post). No we did not have sex, but we did grow very close to one another emotionally and could not help cuddling a bit on the last night of the trip.
He is a teacher at a nearby middle school and seems to be such a warm, loving, caring and giving soul. Someone who, right from the start, made me feel very accepted and cared for. It gave me a huge boost of self confidence. Basically he gave me what my husband can’t seem to…….acceptance.
The first few days back home after vacation were somewhat surreal. Mostly due to jet lag, but also due to the fact that I had grown to love the new (vacation & Mr. S) life and the old life felt, well, awkward. I even woke up the second night I was back, in my own bedroom, but could not figure out where I was. I just felt like I had fallen into a different universe. In some ways it was good. I rather like being detached from my real life. Mostly, I think it has been good for me. (I know that sounds odd, but if you know me well you understand.)
While on the trip, I assumed that once back home, Mr. S would go back to his family and I would go back to mine and nothing big would come from the whole experience other than some cherished memories and a possible new friend. I had no reason to suspect that Mr. S was having issues at home; in fact, he told me he was happily married and that he has two younger children. I didn’t think for a minute he would want to carry on with a more serious long term relationship with me after the vacation.
Back state side, we kept in touch via texting, email and the occasional phone call. As time has passed he has confessed to me that he and his wife are having “serious” talks, that he can’t live without me and that he would not want to choose between us. I have repeatedly told him that his family is WAY more important than I am and that I am in no way interested in wrecking his family or my own. I told him my marriage has issues, but I have assured him over and over again that I am not even remotely interested in ending my marriage.
Most baffling is that fact that I have only known this man for a few weeks. Who in their right mind would make such statements or even think such things about a person they barely know. I am pretty confident he would love to run off with me and just ditch our families. That is troubling……….not attractive, in fact it is a bit crazy. (See paragraph one)
AND, to make it all even more interesting, my husband has been MUCH sweeter to me since I returned from vacation. There has been more intimacy, more verbal affection, more shared moments and kind gestures. I am not sure what has gotten into him, but I love it. I wonder if my detached nature is making him more attracted to me? I wonder if he did not have something “interesting” happen to him while I was gone. Maybe just not seeing me for 10 days made him realize how much he really does appreciate me after all. Whatever it is, I sure hope it last for a while, or forever.
Funny how this whole experience has made me actually think about how much is really GOOD in my life. How much I would never want to lose my husband or our little family. How despite all the imperfections and things I wish we had, what we do have is pretty good. It may not be what I would have chosen, but in its own odd way it is working for us.
Last few days I have a sense of calm about our marriage. Instead of feeling it is a sham, I feel that it is real, that it might be a bit different than most, but it is ours and I am learning to love it. I really don’t mind being different and I am happy to have a real family.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Note from Me to Mr. S.
"I am sorry if I seem to be all over the map about all this, but I guess I am. One day I miss you so badly, the next day I feel guilty, the next day I think I would do anything to be with you, the next day I feel that it would be best to just be friends, the next day I think that’s not possible, the next day I worry that I am messing with your mind, the next day I want to be a good person and take the high road, then the next day I miss you even more, etc.
AND I get scared, scared that we are going to make mistakes and do things we will regret.
I guess the whole thing was never planned and certainly I didn’t think it though. I just don’t want it all to end with feelings hurt or people angry…..anyone angry.
I spent all day, every day while on vacation with you and it was so wonderful and I can’t forget that. But we can’t duplicate that here, now. We have families and commitments and they have to come first.
I wonder if we are just making things worse by trying to keep something going?
This is all confusing and I don’t know what to do."
AND I get scared, scared that we are going to make mistakes and do things we will regret.
I guess the whole thing was never planned and certainly I didn’t think it though. I just don’t want it all to end with feelings hurt or people angry…..anyone angry.
I spent all day, every day while on vacation with you and it was so wonderful and I can’t forget that. But we can’t duplicate that here, now. We have families and commitments and they have to come first.
I wonder if we are just making things worse by trying to keep something going?
This is all confusing and I don’t know what to do."
Monday, April 11, 2011
So Different
One is all prickly and so very hard to be close to.One is like warm honey on fresh baked bread….so hard to resist.
One makes me feel so separated.
One makes me feel so connected.
I am committed to one for life.
The other has captured my heart.
Both mean well.
Both say they love me.
I feel love for them both.
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