Last night I met JDK to exchange the girl. We met at her school in the parking lot. I pulled into the lot in the dark and sat there waiting. For a moment I thought to myself "it's like a drug deal but instead it is my child." The parking lot is about 1/2 between the two homes and we have done this for convenience sake. Still, I was not in the right mood last night.
Partly because I was passing the kid to him so he could deliver her to his parents for another 2 day visit. I need to work today, but she could have joined me. I have missed her and didn't want her to leave. He was trying to free us up so we can do work or what ever we need to do. He meant well, I just didn't want her to go. She was excited to get back to G&G's house after spending 3 days last week including Christmas eve and Christmas Day.
When he pulled in I grabbed the girls things from my car and flung them into his back seat, gave her a kiss and got out of there. It seems like the less interaction I have with him the better off I am. I am done saying anything to him about how I still struggle or hurt. I know that is stupid and I won't do it ever again.
I glanced at him once in the dim light. His hair is cut nice, he had on a new sweater, he was probably spiffied up because he was headed to his girlfriends house. She lives close to the drop off location that we use to exchange the child with G&G. I didn't want to take in any more information so I just left quickly.
On the drive back home I told myself to put it out of my mind and I would feel better and that thinking about him AT ALL is a stupid waste of my brain space.
Back home my evening was boring but I found it hard to fall asleep. Once I did finally nod off I had bad dreams. I don't remember all of them because I am actively trying NOT to think about the "woulda, shoulda, coulda" or "what if" or the WHY?? of it all. I just want him out of my head!
It is simple. He chose to disrespect me for 8 years. Only a shitty person would do that. I do not care how wonderful he seems to be behaving now. It is none of my business.
The one dream I remember was weird; they usually are strange. In this one I was running and enjoying my run....I was running smoothly and feeling effortless but then he would get in my way and force me to cut my stride short making my run feel awkward. You know like when the kid wants to push the shopping cart at the grocery store and it makes you crazy cause they are always in the way to where ever you want to walk. When I told him it was bothering me and asked him to stop he got angry with me and was hurtful.....i was hurt that he was mad.
Anyway, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to "decode" that dream.
Also, I don't have health insurance starting January 1. The other night I had a dream there were holes in my body and insect living in them but I didn't want to go to the doctor because I couldn't afford it. These lesions actually smelled and were oozy! It was very real feeling and totally disgusting. I woke up thinking to myself "my mind is a really fucked up place!"
Anyhow......I didn't get much sleep and I am not sure what to do at this point. My mind won't freakin leave me alone.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Grumping
I spent the whole day yesterday (Friday 12-26-14) just grumping around the house. It was not pretty. It was a waste of time (other than the updates to the blog). I ate too much junk. I drank to much wine. I didn't really get anything accomplished other than driving Monster to the gym and back.
I woke up this morning and was still a bit grumped out. In fact, I can now be grumpy that I wasted a the whole day yesterday that was fairly nice outside. I didn't feel like running so Kevin went to run without me. I really should have went along.
Last night he came over to my house. I was all curled up on the couch being pathetic. He cuddled me and told me he loved me and life felt a whole lot better. He spent the night here which is always nice.
We were talking in bed this morning and I said to him "I should have gone to visit Friss yesterday!" I was actually beating myself up for not doing that. Then he reminded me that JDK was originally going to bring Beanie back at noon. So when I planned my day I had assumed she would be home most of the day, not gone, so it made sense that I didn't plan a little trip to the state pen. He is right....part of why I "wasted" the day was because I was here waiting to receive my child back and no doubt dreading seeing JDK. I really wish I could go NC.
JDK did call around 10 am and inform me that he would bring her home around bed time. Then, late in the evening he said it would be around 8:30. I told him to keep her all night. I am sure she is STILL sleeping right now which is a good thing. If he had brought her back she would have wanted to stay up and open her presents here but she would have been too tired to really enjoy it. Today, well rested, she will have fun opening gifts and I will try and get my positive attitude up and let go of the disappointment I am feeling because I didn't just keep her with me for Christmas which I think I could have done if I was more "ME" oriented and not trying to make EVERYONE happy but myself.
I really need to just do what I want and let JDK adjust to MY needs and wants.
I really need to get some health insurance!!
I really need to get into a better diet and exercise routine.
OH.....last night Kevin was showing me all the new house research he had done. He looked at the lots where we want to buy. If the deal on the house we looked at doesn't go through (our real estate agent said it was in negotiations), we might still buy it but if it does go through, he thinks the lot next to it is open and we can build there. Because he is in the roofing business he knows builders and knows who is good, etc. He said he will contact the builder and see if we can get the house or build on the lot next to it. I would love to build one just so I could have the cabinets that I pick out and stuff like that. Then again building will take time and be stress filled. Any-who.....he is working on it!
I woke up this morning and was still a bit grumped out. In fact, I can now be grumpy that I wasted a the whole day yesterday that was fairly nice outside. I didn't feel like running so Kevin went to run without me. I really should have went along.
Last night he came over to my house. I was all curled up on the couch being pathetic. He cuddled me and told me he loved me and life felt a whole lot better. He spent the night here which is always nice.
We were talking in bed this morning and I said to him "I should have gone to visit Friss yesterday!" I was actually beating myself up for not doing that. Then he reminded me that JDK was originally going to bring Beanie back at noon. So when I planned my day I had assumed she would be home most of the day, not gone, so it made sense that I didn't plan a little trip to the state pen. He is right....part of why I "wasted" the day was because I was here waiting to receive my child back and no doubt dreading seeing JDK. I really wish I could go NC.
JDK did call around 10 am and inform me that he would bring her home around bed time. Then, late in the evening he said it would be around 8:30. I told him to keep her all night. I am sure she is STILL sleeping right now which is a good thing. If he had brought her back she would have wanted to stay up and open her presents here but she would have been too tired to really enjoy it. Today, well rested, she will have fun opening gifts and I will try and get my positive attitude up and let go of the disappointment I am feeling because I didn't just keep her with me for Christmas which I think I could have done if I was more "ME" oriented and not trying to make EVERYONE happy but myself.
I really need to just do what I want and let JDK adjust to MY needs and wants.
I really need to get some health insurance!!
I really need to get into a better diet and exercise routine.
OH.....last night Kevin was showing me all the new house research he had done. He looked at the lots where we want to buy. If the deal on the house we looked at doesn't go through (our real estate agent said it was in negotiations), we might still buy it but if it does go through, he thinks the lot next to it is open and we can build there. Because he is in the roofing business he knows builders and knows who is good, etc. He said he will contact the builder and see if we can get the house or build on the lot next to it. I would love to build one just so I could have the cabinets that I pick out and stuff like that. Then again building will take time and be stress filled. Any-who.....he is working on it!
Friday, December 26, 2014
Post Christmas Feelings
This morning I woke up and before I even had a chance to think I was feeling down. Then I thought....why do I feel down?
The answer, of course, is not simple. There is a whole host of reasons.
1) I miss my Beanie and feel like she missed Christmas.
2) Ramone has a new tattoo and I worry about her. I feel like a failure as a parent because I don't like the path she is on.
3) I was secretly hoping to get an engagement ring for Christmas....which didn't happen. I don't think Kevin has changed his mind about me but I just think our time lines are off. I don't mean to rush it but really if we are buying a house together I want to be married. I think money is holding him back. I think I got my hopes up and I shouldn't have.
4) I miss Friss and wish he was home for Christmas. It is always a hard time to be missing a key family member.
5) First Christmas that I wasn't there when Beanie opened presents at her Grandparents. Heartbreaking.....I miss her.......and them.
6) I have a tooth that feels "off" and of course I don't have insurance now so if I go to the dentist it will cost a few thousand dollars. Yet it's scary to put off going because you don't know how much more damage is being done if you ignore the problem. I would rather have a crown than a root canal!
7)After any big event it is normal to feel a bit of a let down......I feel it.
I spent the day moping. I am glad I could just stay home, alone and update my blog and be in my own mind.....by myself.
Monster gave me some Tai food and now I am dining on an ice cream float. I want to go to bed and not wake up until morning. I think JDK is bringing Beanie back later. I don't want to see him.
The answer, of course, is not simple. There is a whole host of reasons.
1) I miss my Beanie and feel like she missed Christmas.
2) Ramone has a new tattoo and I worry about her. I feel like a failure as a parent because I don't like the path she is on.
3) I was secretly hoping to get an engagement ring for Christmas....which didn't happen. I don't think Kevin has changed his mind about me but I just think our time lines are off. I don't mean to rush it but really if we are buying a house together I want to be married. I think money is holding him back. I think I got my hopes up and I shouldn't have.
4) I miss Friss and wish he was home for Christmas. It is always a hard time to be missing a key family member.
5) First Christmas that I wasn't there when Beanie opened presents at her Grandparents. Heartbreaking.....I miss her.......and them.
6) I have a tooth that feels "off" and of course I don't have insurance now so if I go to the dentist it will cost a few thousand dollars. Yet it's scary to put off going because you don't know how much more damage is being done if you ignore the problem. I would rather have a crown than a root canal!
7)After any big event it is normal to feel a bit of a let down......I feel it.
I spent the day moping. I am glad I could just stay home, alone and update my blog and be in my own mind.....by myself.
Monster gave me some Tai food and now I am dining on an ice cream float. I want to go to bed and not wake up until morning. I think JDK is bringing Beanie back later. I don't want to see him.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Christmas Day
This morning I got up at 4:45 and put on my winter running gear. I met about 10 of my running buddies at the trail head at 5:30 a.m. (as usual). I ran 6 miles with Bob and Dan and we averaged just under 9 minute miles. This is fast for me at this point. It was a fun yet challenging run.
Back home I peeled off my wet, cold running clothes and hopped back into bed with Kevin. He was all "eww....you are cold!! don't touch me!" I was all "I am cold!! WARM ME UP!". He then cuddled and rubbed me for the next 45 minutes trying to warm me up. We finally both fell back to sleep all snuggled up together.
It was about 9 am when we finally climbed out of bed and cleaned up to greet Christmas day.
He gave me a beautiful, sentimental card and I gave him a key that I purchased at the craft show a few weeks ago...the key to my heart to be precise. We both loved our "personal" gifts.
Back at his house we opened some gifts with his kids. One of the gifts I got him was a montage photo frame.
He had his refrigerator covered with family photos and when we started the remodeling process to sell the house I took all of them down and put them in a safe place. He missed them and had fished a bunch of them back out and put them back on the fridge. Then Tuesday when he was at work, Beanie and I took the photos off the fridge and put them in this frame. We then put some other photos back on the fridge in the hopes he would not notice any change. Happily he never did catch on.
He is a big family guy and he loves his family photos. When he opened this gift, in front of me and his two kids and his sons spouse he actually got emotional and covered his face. He was overcome for a moment and I felt so good that I had touched his heart like he has touched mine so many times. I really hope his kids got it. He has a fierce love for his family!!
Next we headed to his folks house for the big Christmas get together. I felt a little like a party crasher but mostly felt bad that Beanie was not along as she would have loved it. There were other kids there......something she doesn't get at G&G's house. I was missing her more than ever.
We dined on ham with all the fixings and then opened presents and socialized. It was a very nice day and his family is really great. They are all warm and loving and no one is crazy or drunk or what ever like my family.
Around 5 we headed home and at 6 pm Monster and Ramone came over to do Christmas with me. Kevin and I made some dips and snacks to share and the kids seemed very hungry. Come to find out they had no activities that day and could have gone with us to Kevin's family thing. I wish I had known I would have so take then. Next year...by golly... I will bring all my kids... and it will be so fun.
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Kevin has two kids. Jordan is 23 and Aaron is 25 years old. Aaron is married to Candice and they have a 3 year old son named Gage. Jordan is just finishing up her masters degree this year and will be a dietitian when she graduates. Aaron's wife is in the air force and he is a stay at home Dad for now. Candice will get out this summer and they hope to move home where Candice will get a nursing degree and Aaron will get a full time job while Gage goes to preschool....Hopefully the same school Beanie went to which is a great school.
Back home I peeled off my wet, cold running clothes and hopped back into bed with Kevin. He was all "eww....you are cold!! don't touch me!" I was all "I am cold!! WARM ME UP!". He then cuddled and rubbed me for the next 45 minutes trying to warm me up. We finally both fell back to sleep all snuggled up together.
It was about 9 am when we finally climbed out of bed and cleaned up to greet Christmas day.
He gave me a beautiful, sentimental card and I gave him a key that I purchased at the craft show a few weeks ago...the key to my heart to be precise. We both loved our "personal" gifts.
Back at his house we opened some gifts with his kids. One of the gifts I got him was a montage photo frame.
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| this is the actual gift that I made for him. |
He had his refrigerator covered with family photos and when we started the remodeling process to sell the house I took all of them down and put them in a safe place. He missed them and had fished a bunch of them back out and put them back on the fridge. Then Tuesday when he was at work, Beanie and I took the photos off the fridge and put them in this frame. We then put some other photos back on the fridge in the hopes he would not notice any change. Happily he never did catch on.
He is a big family guy and he loves his family photos. When he opened this gift, in front of me and his two kids and his sons spouse he actually got emotional and covered his face. He was overcome for a moment and I felt so good that I had touched his heart like he has touched mine so many times. I really hope his kids got it. He has a fierce love for his family!!
Next we headed to his folks house for the big Christmas get together. I felt a little like a party crasher but mostly felt bad that Beanie was not along as she would have loved it. There were other kids there......something she doesn't get at G&G's house. I was missing her more than ever.
We dined on ham with all the fixings and then opened presents and socialized. It was a very nice day and his family is really great. They are all warm and loving and no one is crazy or drunk or what ever like my family.
Around 5 we headed home and at 6 pm Monster and Ramone came over to do Christmas with me. Kevin and I made some dips and snacks to share and the kids seemed very hungry. Come to find out they had no activities that day and could have gone with us to Kevin's family thing. I wish I had known I would have so take then. Next year...by golly... I will bring all my kids... and it will be so fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kevin has two kids. Jordan is 23 and Aaron is 25 years old. Aaron is married to Candice and they have a 3 year old son named Gage. Jordan is just finishing up her masters degree this year and will be a dietitian when she graduates. Aaron's wife is in the air force and he is a stay at home Dad for now. Candice will get out this summer and they hope to move home where Candice will get a nursing degree and Aaron will get a full time job while Gage goes to preschool....Hopefully the same school Beanie went to which is a great school.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Shitty Gifts
Today, around 1 pm Beanie's Dad (JDK) showed up at my house to pick her up for Christmas.
He dropped off three things while he was here.
1) some wind chimes that where mine and I told him I wanted them back if he didn't want them. They had been hanging on the front porch and I knew he pulled them down because they had old wasp nests in them. They seem to be in working order....missing a part but that may have been gone a long time ago. This was nice of him.
2) a gift bag with some chocolate and a bottle of wine. So....this from a guy who is health conscious and knows I need to lose weight and a person who is always bitching that WE need to drink less alcohol. I am not really impressed by this offering. It is drug store shopping and I would rather he didn't bother. (It wasn't even the special chocolate I would have preferred.)
3) A box all wrapped up in pretty paper with a big bow on it.
I opened the box after he left and this is what was in there; a bottle of run and a disc of some sort. On the surface it seems nice enough. In fact....is that a "mix tape"???? (GOD I am dating myself with such comments. LOL) That could actually be sentimental or sweet. (Not that I am holding out, no I am just saying, "what is he up to?")
Let us examine further this "gift"...........
Last time he got me some rum it was for valentines day 2013. (The only time he got me rum because really it is a shitty gift no matter how you look at it.) At that time we had a huge fight and he left the house and didn't come home all night. I drank said run over the next 24 hours and was as sick and drunk and stupid as I have ever been. I DO NOT LIKE hard liquor and would never drink run normally. So, this gift was just a gentle reminder of a huge fight we had about a year before we got divorced. He knows I do not like hard liquor! Gift of rum = shitty gift!
The enclosed disc....what the hell is it? I tried it in my CD player and it doesn't appear to be music. The description that he wrote on it make me think maybe a cycling DVD to play on the TV and ride your bike to? I tried it in my DVD player and it didn't work. I haven't tried it on the PC yet....maybe it would do something then. I can't even get it to play so SHITTY GIFT!!!
But, if indeed it is a workout video then why? I took all of OUR work out videos because I had purchased them (paid for them). I can't help but think this was his way of saying "I purchased more, better videos so you taking the ones we had is no big deal" In other words "I win again!" STILL A SHITTY GIFT!
OK, maybe he was trying to share something cool and was just in the spirit of giving but I really doubt that since................and this is the kicker!!!
The box he chose to wrap this all in is from some women's shoes. I have never seen it before...not a box I left at his house so who do you think might have left it there????? I don't know but it is my understanding there is only one other women who hangs out at his house and that would be his girlfriend Joslyn.
Wait, why would SHE have the box at his house if she purchased them for herself? Wouldn't that box be at her house? No doubt he purchased them for her and that is why the box was at his house. Maybe from her birthday? and early Christmas gift? I don't know and I don't care but really....do you think that might have been planned? Did he do it just to punch me in the gut ONE MORE TIME?
I think he probably did. I may be just making something out of nothing. Maybe it was a box his secretary gave him or he found at the recycle bin.......but I don't think so.
Anyhow....the whole thing was just one crappy moment after the next which I really think he meant it to be.
I didn't get him anything.........nothing....zip............ZERO!
He dropped off three things while he was here.
1) some wind chimes that where mine and I told him I wanted them back if he didn't want them. They had been hanging on the front porch and I knew he pulled them down because they had old wasp nests in them. They seem to be in working order....missing a part but that may have been gone a long time ago. This was nice of him.
2) a gift bag with some chocolate and a bottle of wine. So....this from a guy who is health conscious and knows I need to lose weight and a person who is always bitching that WE need to drink less alcohol. I am not really impressed by this offering. It is drug store shopping and I would rather he didn't bother. (It wasn't even the special chocolate I would have preferred.)
3) A box all wrapped up in pretty paper with a big bow on it.
I opened the box after he left and this is what was in there; a bottle of run and a disc of some sort. On the surface it seems nice enough. In fact....is that a "mix tape"???? (GOD I am dating myself with such comments. LOL) That could actually be sentimental or sweet. (Not that I am holding out, no I am just saying, "what is he up to?")
Let us examine further this "gift"...........
Last time he got me some rum it was for valentines day 2013. (The only time he got me rum because really it is a shitty gift no matter how you look at it.) At that time we had a huge fight and he left the house and didn't come home all night. I drank said run over the next 24 hours and was as sick and drunk and stupid as I have ever been. I DO NOT LIKE hard liquor and would never drink run normally. So, this gift was just a gentle reminder of a huge fight we had about a year before we got divorced. He knows I do not like hard liquor! Gift of rum = shitty gift!
The enclosed disc....what the hell is it? I tried it in my CD player and it doesn't appear to be music. The description that he wrote on it make me think maybe a cycling DVD to play on the TV and ride your bike to? I tried it in my DVD player and it didn't work. I haven't tried it on the PC yet....maybe it would do something then. I can't even get it to play so SHITTY GIFT!!!
But, if indeed it is a workout video then why? I took all of OUR work out videos because I had purchased them (paid for them). I can't help but think this was his way of saying "I purchased more, better videos so you taking the ones we had is no big deal" In other words "I win again!" STILL A SHITTY GIFT!
OK, maybe he was trying to share something cool and was just in the spirit of giving but I really doubt that since................and this is the kicker!!!
The box he chose to wrap this all in is from some women's shoes. I have never seen it before...not a box I left at his house so who do you think might have left it there????? I don't know but it is my understanding there is only one other women who hangs out at his house and that would be his girlfriend Joslyn.
Wait, why would SHE have the box at his house if she purchased them for herself? Wouldn't that box be at her house? No doubt he purchased them for her and that is why the box was at his house. Maybe from her birthday? and early Christmas gift? I don't know and I don't care but really....do you think that might have been planned? Did he do it just to punch me in the gut ONE MORE TIME?
I think he probably did. I may be just making something out of nothing. Maybe it was a box his secretary gave him or he found at the recycle bin.......but I don't think so.
Anyhow....the whole thing was just one crappy moment after the next which I really think he meant it to be.
I didn't get him anything.........nothing....zip............ZERO!
House Hunting
We have been house shopping like crazy. My lease is up at the end of March and I want to close on the new house by end of February so I can move with out rushing. SO....we need a house by the end of January!
Recently I found a house that was all we need...kind of perfect. Only a mile from Beanie's school. Kevin didn't like the location but he was willing to go there if it made me happy. I baulked at making an offer since I knew he was not totally enthusiastic.
After a week of stewing on it I told him that for us to find a house we both like that is in our "preferred location" we need to up our budget. He agreed to up it by $50K. so I called Julia and told her that we had decided we would look at houses in a higher price range. She sent me this house along with a few others. Today we went to see this house and I am SO in love with the floor plan!
We found out the house is currently in negotiation with a different buyer. If that fall through we will make an offer. And if it doesn't, there is a chance we can still build the same house near this one as there are still some lots for sale. I know building will suck but then I can pick lighter cabinets and stuff like that which would be nice. Anyhow....the process is still going and still stress filled but we are chugging along.
Recently I found a house that was all we need...kind of perfect. Only a mile from Beanie's school. Kevin didn't like the location but he was willing to go there if it made me happy. I baulked at making an offer since I knew he was not totally enthusiastic.
After a week of stewing on it I told him that for us to find a house we both like that is in our "preferred location" we need to up our budget. He agreed to up it by $50K. so I called Julia and told her that we had decided we would look at houses in a higher price range. She sent me this house along with a few others. Today we went to see this house and I am SO in love with the floor plan!
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| 3 car garage - perfect for two vehicles, a tractor and a motorcycle. (not a fan of the stucco type exterior though) |
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| Open floor plan so I can be in the kitchen and not miss out on anything. |
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| Fireplace...room for a big TV and still plenty of windows. |
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| BIG shower .....big enough for 2 people. With no shower door! |
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| view of the master bath looking into the master bedroom with a door onto the back deck. |
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| Master closet. BIG! and best of all it links to the laundry room which has a door to the mud room off the garage. |
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| Finished basement with mini kitchen. |
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| Huge covered deck that over looks the private wooded lot. |
We found out the house is currently in negotiation with a different buyer. If that fall through we will make an offer. And if it doesn't, there is a chance we can still build the same house near this one as there are still some lots for sale. I know building will suck but then I can pick lighter cabinets and stuff like that which would be nice. Anyhow....the process is still going and still stress filled but we are chugging along.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Christmas Eve Eve
Kevin and Beanie put up the tree last weekend while I was out running my 11 miler. They had a great time. When I arrived we all accessed the tree and decided it needed something more. We Googled Christmas tree decorations and decided that the tree needed some ribbon. I dutifully went to Michael's and purchased some fancy gold colored ribbon and this is how it turned out. We also wanted to add pine cones but I couldn't find them in any store this late in the season.
I honestly can't remember the last time I put up a full size tree and had any enthusiasm for Christmas. It is nice to actually enjoy the holiday and feel like a normal person that actually enjoys the holidays!
Tomorrow Beanie's dad will pick her up so she can spend Christmas proper with his parents and him. It is what she has always done and I didn't think it was time to change things up yet. She adores her Grandma more than anyone and she is there only grandchild (and probably the only one they will ever have since XH is not a fan of parenthood.)
Kevin and I let her open one of her presents so she could take it with her to G&G's house.
It really wasn't a surprise since she helped pick it out. She LOVES this jacket and had a hard time waiting for it, but I think it is good for her to learn to wait for the things she wants in life.
So, I think all the shopping and wrapping is done and I am ready to do this thing!! BRING IT!!
Project - Remodeling
We have been working on sprucing up Kevin's house so we can sell it. I think his son might buy it but still he deserves the updates. Last week was totally consumed by remodeling. We had a crew of 3 guys there all week.
We made some changes and upgrades to the electrical and light fixtures.
By far the biggest undertaking was a new bathroom downstairs. The old one was over 20 years old and just disgusting. I didn't get a "before" photo and for that I apologize.
We also ordered a new counter top and purchased a dishwasher. The house has NEVER had a dishwasher before!!! We lose a cabinet but gain a dishwashere so it all fits in. I will put up pictures when that is all done.
I also pulled down some old wall paper and now need to paint in the kitchen.
So.....the paneling was intended to be painted but I think it looks fine. What do you think?
We made some changes and upgrades to the electrical and light fixtures.
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| New Ceiling fan. |
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| New vanity with faucet. We still need to buy a mirror. |
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| new light fixture |
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| new toilet and tile floor! |
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| new tile around tub, but kept the original solid bathtub. |
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| My attempt at a cool panoramic shot. |
I also pulled down some old wall paper and now need to paint in the kitchen.
So.....the paneling was intended to be painted but I think it looks fine. What do you think?
Running Challenge Finished
Friday afternoon I barely managed to get my 6 miles in before I had to pick up my daughter from school. This time the extra mileage was due to a potty break that required me to go a bit off course. You don't need the details!
Saturday December 20th I got my 5 miles done early so I could concentrate on finishing the newly remodeled bathroom at Kevin's house. Pictures to come soon.
Sunday the Bean was with her father so I ran with Kevin. He is a MUCH faster runner than I. We split the difference and my pace was sub 9. It was a good run.....I felt great!!
I skipped running Monday. I had my daughter and it was 35 degrees out and raining. YUCK But Tuesday morning I ran my 3 for Monday, my 2 for Tuesday and my one for Christmas eve. Yeah....there is no point in running only 1 mile.
So I did it. I finished the challenge. It was really hard at times but mostly it was a fun and positive experience. So glad I had a chance to do it. Life is good.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Friday night
Yup....they both are really sleeping.
We were watching TV and I look over and they are both sound asleep on the couch at 7:30 pm.
My life isn't really exciting but my heart is overjoyed that these two love each other so much.
Kevin really is THE most cuddly guy in the world.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
WOW - Exaclty what I needed to hear!!!
Did anyone check out Chump Lady today?
Today's post was the shot in the arm I really needed. I have too much life to live and too much love to give to ever let JDK drag me down to the pits of .....well the pits. You know what I mean.
I am an ass for all the hours and heartache I wasted on this man. He is not worth it!! I am TOO GOOD FOR HIM! He is a DISORDERED and SELFISH P.O.S.
My new mantra is going to be "Don't let him steal another moment of my life!"
I am still coming out of the fog that this long term destructive relationship had me living in. I am just started to put my life together and really feel like the real me again.
I felt I needed to update my blog to reflect where I am at in life now. The old colors and pictures are in the past, this is a new chapter. I am ready to bloom and keep becoming a better version of the me I once was before life shit on me. I am finding myself under the layers and layers of bullshit that I accumulated in the past 15 years. The old me is in there; it just needs to wake up and want to get out!
I used to be a strong and vibrant women with a lot of confidence. Rocco knocked me down so far and then the tragedy with Friss just crushed my soul. It has been a long LONG time coming but I think I am finally getting back to the surface where I can really live and not just exist.
Kevin's support has been key. Sometimes you just need some loving support to find yourself.
Last week I went to see George and it was nice. One thing I have learned from him is that I need....no I crave affirmation. When he says to me "I don't care if it is right or wrong, if you feel it, it is real to you and it is valid." And he means it and it brings me to tears!! Just being heard and accepted.....so simple, yet so important.
To him, all my feeling are real and of value. I am not crazy or stupid or mentally effed up. I am not just a burden to be put up with or a tool to be used. I am a real person who has value just because I exist! I am a real person with real struggles who needs to be heard and accepted. It is really that simple!
There are people in the world that will love you and "get" you even when you are just being yourself; the good self, the bad self and the ugly self. It is OK to be yourself and expect others to love you just the way you are. YOU DON"T NEED TO BE PERFECT TO BE LOVED!!
I say these things because I need to hear them, believe them, live them.
I think all this running is the best thing I could have done for myself this Christmas. Somehow the physical punishment that you push through clears your brain and makes you so much better. I hate running (I am a cyclist), but the physical and mental stress of this challenge has been very good for me.
I am a winner cause I keep on going no matter how much it hurts!
Today's post was the shot in the arm I really needed. I have too much life to live and too much love to give to ever let JDK drag me down to the pits of .....well the pits. You know what I mean.
I am an ass for all the hours and heartache I wasted on this man. He is not worth it!! I am TOO GOOD FOR HIM! He is a DISORDERED and SELFISH P.O.S.
My new mantra is going to be "Don't let him steal another moment of my life!"
I am still coming out of the fog that this long term destructive relationship had me living in. I am just started to put my life together and really feel like the real me again.
I felt I needed to update my blog to reflect where I am at in life now. The old colors and pictures are in the past, this is a new chapter. I am ready to bloom and keep becoming a better version of the me I once was before life shit on me. I am finding myself under the layers and layers of bullshit that I accumulated in the past 15 years. The old me is in there; it just needs to wake up and want to get out!
I used to be a strong and vibrant women with a lot of confidence. Rocco knocked me down so far and then the tragedy with Friss just crushed my soul. It has been a long LONG time coming but I think I am finally getting back to the surface where I can really live and not just exist.
Kevin's support has been key. Sometimes you just need some loving support to find yourself.
Last week I went to see George and it was nice. One thing I have learned from him is that I need....no I crave affirmation. When he says to me "I don't care if it is right or wrong, if you feel it, it is real to you and it is valid." And he means it and it brings me to tears!! Just being heard and accepted.....so simple, yet so important.
To him, all my feeling are real and of value. I am not crazy or stupid or mentally effed up. I am not just a burden to be put up with or a tool to be used. I am a real person who has value just because I exist! I am a real person with real struggles who needs to be heard and accepted. It is really that simple!
There are people in the world that will love you and "get" you even when you are just being yourself; the good self, the bad self and the ugly self. It is OK to be yourself and expect others to love you just the way you are. YOU DON"T NEED TO BE PERFECT TO BE LOVED!!
I say these things because I need to hear them, believe them, live them.
I think all this running is the best thing I could have done for myself this Christmas. Somehow the physical punishment that you push through clears your brain and makes you so much better. I hate running (I am a cyclist), but the physical and mental stress of this challenge has been very good for me.
I am a winner cause I keep on going no matter how much it hurts!
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
12 Days of Christmas - The Runners Version
My local runners, well actually one of them in particular, Shawn (ultra runner, cancer fighter and all around amazing person I feel lucky to know), have headed up a running challenge for the last 4 years. It goes like this...........12 days before Christmas you run 12 miles. Then the next day you run 11 and the next day you do 10 and so on until Christmas eve you run one blessed mile and the mission is accomplished. That's a total of 78 miles over 12 days!!
In years past I never even toyed with the idea of doing this challenge. I had a full time job and a small child and it was just not something I had time to accomplish.
Then, this year I find myself almost unemployed, so I think......... "WOW, I might actually have the time to do this!?!"
So I signed up and last Saturday I ran an easy 12. I ran 8 of it with Stina to keep me company and then finished up on my own.
Sunday was a lonely 11 all by myself. But, much to my surprise I didn't feel bad at all. I got out early and watched the sun rise and Kevin watched my Bean for me. It was unseasonably warm so I got to run in shorts BUT unfortunately I grabbed a short sleeved top that I never run in which ultimately resulted in some really severe armpit chafing. Other than that it was a great run.
Monday morning I worked at the nursery and it was raining and cool. Also, the construction guys started the renovations at Kevin's house that he chose to make so he could sell the house faster. It was a busy day and I didn't hit the trail until 2 in the afternoon. I chose a trail I don't usually run because I thought the diversion would be good for me. But I found out that the trail was in poor condition and it was very hard on my feet. The first few miles I struggled but by the last 2 miles I knew I was going to make it and I was feeling really pumped up. It was a hard run but I pushed through and got my 10 miles done. I was over joyed.
Tuesday I joined my normal running group and globbed on to Bob for company. I was certain that social distraction was the only way I would survive. Low and behold, I did the run and actually went sub 10 with my pace. There were hills and traffic and everything. I was quit pleased with these results!
Today I eeked out my 8 miles all by myself. By now my legs are toast and it's just a mental game. I play the game to win. I finish with my last mile my fastest. As I climb back into the car the sun disappears and the clouds roll in. Snow is on it's way. I can't believe my time is the fastest yet!!
In years past I never even toyed with the idea of doing this challenge. I had a full time job and a small child and it was just not something I had time to accomplish.
Then, this year I find myself almost unemployed, so I think......... "WOW, I might actually have the time to do this!?!"
So I signed up and last Saturday I ran an easy 12. I ran 8 of it with Stina to keep me company and then finished up on my own.
Sunday was a lonely 11 all by myself. But, much to my surprise I didn't feel bad at all. I got out early and watched the sun rise and Kevin watched my Bean for me. It was unseasonably warm so I got to run in shorts BUT unfortunately I grabbed a short sleeved top that I never run in which ultimately resulted in some really severe armpit chafing. Other than that it was a great run.
Today I eeked out my 8 miles all by myself. By now my legs are toast and it's just a mental game. I play the game to win. I finish with my last mile my fastest. As I climb back into the car the sun disappears and the clouds roll in. Snow is on it's way. I can't believe my time is the fastest yet!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Struggling
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| these run a few hundred a set |
First, on Monday, my boss told me I could not be on the company health insurance. This was a blow. It set the tone for the week. When he told me this I felt demoted....demolished...I felt like they didn't want me anymore. Intellectually, I knew I was overreacting..........BUT emotionally I was still devastated.
In my panic I sent my resume out to a Staff Accountant advertisement. (more on that later)
The rest of the week proved no better as my ex-husband, JDK, did a number of things to upset me and Monster also was rather mean to me.
The culmination of the week happened over the weekend. On Saturday night I skipped my company Christmas party because I found out the JDK bought his gf some very expensive car mats for Christmas and was crushed. Just last week she purchased a new car because her old POS finally died.
Why do I care? Yes I know I shouldn't!! BUT all I could think of was how he would always give me shitty and selfish gifts. Like the time he purchased a fancy kitchen knife he wanted and told me it was for me. And there was the calendar with pictures of naked girls rock climbing.....yeah, I wouldn't even except that gift so it got cancelled. Why the hell is he so nice to her but he couldn't be that way to me?
I sent him a string of text messages telling him how hurt I was that he was so selfish with me yet it is so easy to be kind to this women who is not his wife or the mother of his child. Anyhow he was, of course, mad that I was bitching and finally ended up telling me we really needed to go NC (no contact).
This also sets me off since shutting me out is a trigger. I told him I though it was a better idea to actually sit down and discuss all the fucked up dynamics that were going on and hopefully resolve issues and calm ourselves. He had been all pissy with me for weeks after he found out Kevin and I were house shopping together. I just wanted to come together and figure out how to become mutually satisfied rather than just pissed off and depressed.
He hated my idea since he loves to run and hind when ever life is not fun for him. I then drove to his house and forced him to talk to me!!
You know what happened?????
We talked for about an hour. There was no big fight although there were emotions running high. I cried a lot and he shed a few tears (still not sure if he fakes these things or not). In the end I think we BOTH felt better!!!
SO HA!...communication worked.
GO ME!!!
I actually left his house feeling better. Like we might be able to actually not spend the rest of our days battling each other. I slept better too!
_____________
All weekend long I had been reading articles about Narcissist. I still think JDK has an awful lot of these characteristics. He may not be a full blown NPD, but he sure seems to have some sort of issues with being a "real" person. I watch him struggle to really understand how other people feel. I know he thinks of himself 99% of the time and really has difficulties taking others into account. He is a VERY self serving person who has told me before that other people are just a way to get his own needs met. I don't think he really loves others, I think he figures out if he NEEDS them and then he does what it takes to keep them around if he does. Relationships are merely a way to get his personal needs met, nothing more or nothing less.
I think this article about narcissist explains him well. >>CLICK HERE
However, when considering the normal definition of a narcissist, JDK does not seem to have a grand perception of himself. He likes to be out of the spot light and just do his own thing. I don't think he has any need for others to worship him as many define a true narcissist.
Anyhow....I wonder if he is a narcissist by nature (born that way) who tries to compensate by TRYING to be a good person. I think he really wants to be a good person. I don't think he ever wanted to hurt me like he did yet it was too much of a stretch for him to really understand how he did hurt me or the proper way to communicate with me. I think he means well, but it is very hard to be a good giving person when you are naturally so self centered that the rest of the world seems like a foreign object.
He wants to get a long with everyone and be in an easy happy world where he gets his needs met with as little strife as possible, yet he can't fully grasp how the give and take of a healthy relationship works. He really struggles with a deeper connection. He is great at being nice to a stranger since that is a superficial thing he can learn and practice and execute. BUT a real relationship and an authentic connection allude him so much so I don't think he really understands what it is.
_________________
I had a phone interview for a full time accounting job that would be perfect for me. It is a good company that is growing. It offers good benefits, etc. They wanted me to come in for an in person interview and I decided to withdraw from the running. I gave them a lame excuse that my elderly mother needed me so I probably shouldn't sign up for a full time job. In reality, I just don't want to work full time right now (as you know) since I don't HAVE to.
I have been crazy busy even though I am barely working.
Yesterday I made up with Monster and took him to the gym since his car is broke down. I have been working on Christmas stuff, getting insurance from the government (I think it will be free to me!) and still working on fixing up Kevin's house to sell, etc. etc.
This week I worked about 3 hours on Monday and Tuesday and I am still just rushing about trying to get it all done. I don't know how I did it working full time before!
At the end of the day I have a kind, loving and wonderful man to curl up with and I am eternally grateful that he is in my life.
Tomorrow I plan to go see George and see if he can help me with my jealousy of the ex-husbands new girlfriend. I need to figure out how to let that shit go cause is it just hurting me and I know it.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Don't Get Comfortable...Things WILL SUCK
Yesterday I spent way too much time just laying around the house with Beanie. We played games on the tablet, read books and watched TV. I was bored but the weather had gone cold and windy so there wasn’t much to do, besides I was just a bit down so wallowing on the couch seemed appropriate.
Last night Kevin came over and hung out for a bit. He seemed distant and tired. I brushed it off. I admit at times I miss how we used to connect and feel so close. The new is wearing off and we are now in the “normal” phase of our relationship where day-to-day is just that; day-to-day. I am not alarmed, the intensity of a new love always wears off with time. We are past infatuation and on to a more stable love. I think we are both happy and satisfied. You know what I mean.
This morning I woke up early and laid in bed thinking. I found a new level of anger for the XH#2, JDK. I was thinking about how he started dating me (back in 2006) while he was already dating Rachel, the married gal from out of town. I didn’t know about her when it all started or I would not have gotten involved and by the time I did know there was a lot more involved….like a baby. Man what a dick he was even from day one!!! Looking back, I wish I would have just dumped his ass the minute I knew she was involved. I should have thought “I am too good for this lying POS” and walked away.
Did you ever notice how you can be mad at yourself for not having a higher opinion of yourself? Which then makes you even madder at yourself and lowers your opinion of yourself. Viscous circle….Ugh.
In the wee hours of the morning I also thought about the $250 he recently stole from me and all the household goods I left behind. He really cashed in when he met me. I not only let a liar and a cheat use me for years, I let him take a lot of my money.
Friday morning I called to check on the Bean. He ignored me. Then later after I had the kid back I was attempting to be friendly and texted him. I got nothing. Why do I try to be nice??? I am an idiot. I need harness the JDK hate and hold it tight and quit letting him take advantage of my good nature. I always feel that I try to be nice and get along and he tries to suck everything out of everyone and everything for himself if he can. He is a parasite on the face of humanity.
This morning I got a message from my real estate agent. She’s frustrated and thinks we need to relax our wish list on our house hunt…feels “something needs to give”. I admit that we have specific goals that are not EASY to find but WTF, we are spending over $200,000 and we will keep looking until we find the right house. I am so frustrated with the whole house search right now. Julia is my friend but lately I feel that we are at odds and that just sucks.
I got to work this morning and my boss, Jacob seemed “off” again. I sensed this last week and worried I was just being paranoid. Again this morning he seemed distant when I got there and not his usual friendly self. I just dove into my work, and tried to ignore the 6th sense that was screaming “something is not right”. Have I mentioned that I think he is having an affair with one of the employees? I wondered if that was just putting off a weird vibe because I am the only other person around there lately. Then, his wife (co-owner) showed up and was really not supposed to. Then I found out what was up. Seems they are not going to offer me insurance after all. I understand they can’t afford it but it was still a bit of a slap in the face. OK, I was crushed. In some sort of way I felt I was fired. Because his logic for not letting me get insurance was that he can’t offer me enough hours to let me apply. In other words, next year I won’t really be that needed so I can’t have insurance.
Small business owners always seem to think that accountants are just a money drain and not a money maker. Yet, there is no one around there that has any skills to help him run his business smarter or better. I could do that. I guess I don’t know how to SELL myself enough. So frustrated.
On the way home I purchased a bottle of wine, a loaf of artisan bread, some olives and cheese. I sat here and ate them as I typed this up.
My overall thought about this all is:
Whenever life feels good it is a sure sign that shit will hit the fan soon because in some way I have pissed off the universe and don’t deserve to have things go my way, NO, it is always two steps forward and one step back. (if I am even lucky enough to get a forward step)
On the bright side, and this is huge, the only reason I am not totally crying in a dark hole right now is Kevin has been super sweet and kind and (of course) offered to marry me tomorrow so I will have insurance.
Yeah, as of today I am uninsured. Would have been nice to have a bit more of a heads up than to find out December 1.
FML
Last night Kevin came over and hung out for a bit. He seemed distant and tired. I brushed it off. I admit at times I miss how we used to connect and feel so close. The new is wearing off and we are now in the “normal” phase of our relationship where day-to-day is just that; day-to-day. I am not alarmed, the intensity of a new love always wears off with time. We are past infatuation and on to a more stable love. I think we are both happy and satisfied. You know what I mean.
This morning I woke up early and laid in bed thinking. I found a new level of anger for the XH#2, JDK. I was thinking about how he started dating me (back in 2006) while he was already dating Rachel, the married gal from out of town. I didn’t know about her when it all started or I would not have gotten involved and by the time I did know there was a lot more involved….like a baby. Man what a dick he was even from day one!!! Looking back, I wish I would have just dumped his ass the minute I knew she was involved. I should have thought “I am too good for this lying POS” and walked away.
Did you ever notice how you can be mad at yourself for not having a higher opinion of yourself? Which then makes you even madder at yourself and lowers your opinion of yourself. Viscous circle….Ugh.
In the wee hours of the morning I also thought about the $250 he recently stole from me and all the household goods I left behind. He really cashed in when he met me. I not only let a liar and a cheat use me for years, I let him take a lot of my money.
Friday morning I called to check on the Bean. He ignored me. Then later after I had the kid back I was attempting to be friendly and texted him. I got nothing. Why do I try to be nice??? I am an idiot. I need harness the JDK hate and hold it tight and quit letting him take advantage of my good nature. I always feel that I try to be nice and get along and he tries to suck everything out of everyone and everything for himself if he can. He is a parasite on the face of humanity.
This morning I got a message from my real estate agent. She’s frustrated and thinks we need to relax our wish list on our house hunt…feels “something needs to give”. I admit that we have specific goals that are not EASY to find but WTF, we are spending over $200,000 and we will keep looking until we find the right house. I am so frustrated with the whole house search right now. Julia is my friend but lately I feel that we are at odds and that just sucks.
I got to work this morning and my boss, Jacob seemed “off” again. I sensed this last week and worried I was just being paranoid. Again this morning he seemed distant when I got there and not his usual friendly self. I just dove into my work, and tried to ignore the 6th sense that was screaming “something is not right”. Have I mentioned that I think he is having an affair with one of the employees? I wondered if that was just putting off a weird vibe because I am the only other person around there lately. Then, his wife (co-owner) showed up and was really not supposed to. Then I found out what was up. Seems they are not going to offer me insurance after all. I understand they can’t afford it but it was still a bit of a slap in the face. OK, I was crushed. In some sort of way I felt I was fired. Because his logic for not letting me get insurance was that he can’t offer me enough hours to let me apply. In other words, next year I won’t really be that needed so I can’t have insurance.
Small business owners always seem to think that accountants are just a money drain and not a money maker. Yet, there is no one around there that has any skills to help him run his business smarter or better. I could do that. I guess I don’t know how to SELL myself enough. So frustrated.
On the way home I purchased a bottle of wine, a loaf of artisan bread, some olives and cheese. I sat here and ate them as I typed this up.
My overall thought about this all is:
Whenever life feels good it is a sure sign that shit will hit the fan soon because in some way I have pissed off the universe and don’t deserve to have things go my way, NO, it is always two steps forward and one step back. (if I am even lucky enough to get a forward step)
On the bright side, and this is huge, the only reason I am not totally crying in a dark hole right now is Kevin has been super sweet and kind and (of course) offered to marry me tomorrow so I will have insurance.
Yeah, as of today I am uninsured. Would have been nice to have a bit more of a heads up than to find out December 1.
FML
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