If you Don't Think About it, It can't Bother You

In the last few days I am really starting to think the main reason the Husband and I are getting along better is because we don’t spend any time together and I have just decided to quit thinking about it. I just ignore him for the most part and then he seems to be pretty happy with our relationship.

I have also adopted the “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em” attitude. I didn’t actually set out to do this but over time, as I realized he could not (or would not) change for me I have been changing so I won’t be perpetually frustrated. Ultimately I am behaving more like him (disconnected) all the time.

Instead of functioning as a couple and checking in with each other and making plans together, which is how I would prefer to run our relationship, we do it his way. We each do whatever we want independently with zero involvement of the other person. On special occasions we team up for family time but the day-to-day living is done quit independently. He would say this is largely due to the fact that we have a child and we take turns watching her. BUT, we all know that people who have kids still make time for each other and communicate so that is just an easy answer he throws out.

I have certainly tried to get him to do things with me or to communicate more but it never works.
Even when I flat out ask him things, he is evasive, or speaks in generalities. For example when I ask “what would you like to do this weekend” he responds with something like “play with my girls” or quit frequently just does not answer at all. Getting mad at him just starts the old fight where he accuses me of never being happy. Trying to discuss it will result in him saying either, he is a solitary person and an only child or, that I am judging him harshly. Long story short, he just doesn’t want to and I can’t make him.

His other favorite answer is to tell me whatever he thinks I want to hear and then do whatever he wants regardless. Not sure if he just changes his mind or has no intentions to begin with, but I am rapidly learning that most of the time if you tell people what they want to hear, it is way easier than being honest and it doesn’t mean you have to mean it at all. See, he is teaching me a lot.

So my solution to all this is… I just don’t ask anymore unless there is something really important. And so I don’t feel like the only sap communicating (trying), I just do what I want, when I want and don’t bother to tell him anything about it either. It seems to work just fine for him. He certainly has no desire to keep track of me.

I still feel that this is all very odd, but lately that is how we do it. Generally on weekdays we both report home by 8 pm at the latest and then spend an hour or so in the house at the same time then it is off to bed. Neither of us asks the other where they were. The other can volunteer to tell, but asking seems to be incorrect.

Conversations when we are around each other are generally minimal and light. Nothing too deep or personal, just the occasional how was work or “did you hear about that guy that hit a snow plow, got out of the car and got hit by a car and kept walking and got hit again?” (Of course he had already read the story in the paper…I can never tell him anything.)

When I do try to really talk to him about something meaningful or important 95% of the time I end up feeling frustrated and figure it was a waste of time and energy so generally I just don’t bother anymore. He has no need for this type of closeness and I now understand that won’t change so why frustrate myself trying to be close to him?

Long and short of it is this, if we just ignore each other most of the time he seems to be happier and I in-turn feel better because he is not being all moody or depressed.

However, then I spend as much time as possible out running, biking, visiting friends or anything to keep myself busy so I don’t dwell on the fact that my marriage is nothing like I want it. Cause if I think about it, it is really still very depressing.

It Has Been 10 Years Now!

How can it take someone 10 years to get over a breakup? HOW? I keep asking myself that.

I am happy to report, for the first time ever, mostly, I do feel over it. Why now? I’m not sure.

For the longest time, I just could not let go. I didn’t want to. I knew I should but deep down inside to let go meant losing so much. It meant losing a piece of me.

I am sure that time and distance are factors making me feel better. It feels like it’s been a long time now since he left me. For the first few years, it still felt like it had just happened. And distance, the fact that he is in Denver, has no doubt been huge. So much easier to forget someone if you don’t “trip” over them frequently cause you live in a small town and have similar interest.

Also, in the past few months I have just broke off all ties. I don’t answer emails and I would never call him or talk to him again. I just decided to be done. I don’t want to know what is happening in his life any more. The main reason for this decision is that I have reason to suspect they are having a baby and I want NOTHING to do with it. I just don’t want to see or hear about this baby they might have, together. It’s too much for me to stand. If they were to disappear off the face of the earth I would be thrilled.

At this point, I believe the only reason he keeps in touch with me is because he feels he has to; that he owes it to me. It had become an obligatory thing and thus pointless.

Another factor no doubt, is the fact that Husband and I have been doing better lately. I feel optimistic now and have for a few weeks. That helps. I know husband will have his “dark” days but more and more I do believe he loves me and I am sure he is committed to his family and making it a good and happy one. This sure makes it easier to not dwell on my lost love. The love that for a few years was so perfect.

I know that Husband and I will never have that kind of love, but I don’t think me and anyone will. I have accepted the fact that it was a once in a life time thing to be viewed upon as the exception not the rule. Usually, people don’t fall in love like me and Rocco did. Most people dream of it, but never live it. I am now in reality where relationships are hard work and never feel just perfect.

This morning Husband woke up a bit early and rolled over to cuddle with me. I was so happy for this. This is what I want. I want him to WANT to be close. TO think for himself that it would be nice to spoon with his wife.

It's The Little Things

This morning, my husband stood in the kitchen, looking at me with a grin, while he was breaking down and empty cracker box. I looked over and then it registered. He was breaking down an empty box!!

This is a breakthrough folks. This is like a miracle. I wonder if this is his New Year’s resolution. He has never broken down a box before. Normally, he either leaves it on the shelf empty for me to find and discard or he plops it in the recycle box fully constructed where I must fish it out and break it down so a mountain of waste paper does not take over my whole kitchen.

These are the little things that all couples fight about. These are the little things that eat away, in tiny bites, at the fabric of our lives. There is a nice little list of simple things my husband does on a regular basis that irritates the crap out of me and this is one of them. I will never understand why he can’t just do these little things to make me happy rather than not do them knowing they irritate me.

And why today did he suddenly do something nice? That’s the real question. And how do I get him to do it again?

I should ask him those questions. I wish I could. But that is not how it works. (That would be jsut too simple right?) He would not answer and worse yet, he might think I was too impressed by his act of collapsing a cardboard cracker box and quite doing it. Since, he seems to take more pleasure in annoying me than he does in pleasing me.

Here is my list:
1) Don’t spit in the bathroom sink.
2) Shut the light off when you leave a room.
3) Rinse dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. Food all over the inside of the thing stinks and stains it. And it looks so gross.
4) Put a new bag in the trash can when you remove the full one.
5) Take the trash (or recycle) out instead of balancing ANOTHER thing on top.
6) Do not leave drawers and cabinets open. This is dangerous and unsightly. (I have walked into them at night when I get up with the small child. Very painful.)
7) Take your dirty shoes off before you walk all over the house. And don’t leave them on the step when you do take them off. I have almost fallen on the concrete more than once when tripping over boots on the steps to the garage.
8) Leave the room like you found it. If it was clean when you arrived, leave it clean please. I am not your personal slave to come along after you and pick up your wrappers, empty soda cans and crumbs. Also, put the cushions back on the couch when you are done there!
9) Don’t leave beer bottle caps, zip ties, wrappers, etc. in the driveway/yard. It just makes the place look too junky.

What is your husband’s most annoying little habit?