Deer Hunting

I think it would be very good for me to blog daily. I need to set aside a time slot and just get things down on paper. I need to worry less about content and more about quantity. I can always review my notes later to extract what was actually important. But if I don’t write anything down then there is no record at all and right now there is so much going on that I really need to capture.

This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.

I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?

I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”

I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!

He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!

For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.

That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie.  My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.

Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?

Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.

Me: what about deer hunting?

Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)

Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?

I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.

Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?

Husband: Yes I do.

Me: what time would you like to go?

Husband: before light.

Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?

Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.

Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!

Me: and when will you be done for the morning?

Husband: should be back by 9.

Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?

Husband: yes

Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?

Husband: yes

UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??

I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.

I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.

I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????

Fucking Train Ride

Ready for a rather long story?

So around mid August I asked my husband what he thought we should do for our daughter’s up and coming 6th birthday. He responded with “well more importantly what are we doing for yours next week?”
I reminded him that if we wanted to book a party at the gym or the pool we needed to get that done. He said he thought we should skip that this year since she is in a new school and all. Fine with me, less work.

A few weeks ago he suggested taking the train to visit the Grandparents and making that a birthday party weekend. At the time we discussed it (I don’t remember the exact details) I believe I was pulling laundry out of the dryer and he was on his way out to water the grass or something. In other words, we were both busy and no formal talk took place. I am 100% sure no times or dates were discussed and even if they were, I didn’t have a calendar so it was more like “the weekend after her birthday maybe?”

A few weeks ago (before or after above conversation I am not sure) a friend of mine sent me a hay ride invite scheduled for October 5th. I sent it on to hubby and said “We can all go to this!?!” He said great so I put it on my calendar (even though he NEVER goes to anything like this with me but that is another post.) I always make plans and log them in my calendar so I can keep track. And generally if I have plans I stick to them and don’t change them unless something big happens.

So yesterday around 3:30 pm I get this email from Hubby:
HUSBAND: So we are leaving Friday at 6:22pm from [town a half hour away] on the train and coming back Sunday at 4:35pm (returning at 7pm)…does that sound alright? Or we could depart Sunday at 8:51am.

ME: What day are we leaving? I need to give [boss] the heads up that I need off early.

I wait for a long time before he replies……

HUSBAND: Friday the 4th
Early to get to [town a half hour away] by 6:20? I’m not taking off early.
Need to get this booked as trains are filling up.

ME: Well, someone has to drop off the dog…pick up the kid….etc.
Then it is about a 45 minute drive to [city a half hour away] from our house. (we live a bit out of town)
I assume, like a plane, you have to get there early to stow bags, check tickets and bored the train.
So I would figure we would need to leave town around 5.
I would need to leave at least an hour before that to pick up kid and drop off dog. (I try allowing extra time just in case.)
Since….I assume, the dog will stay at Mikes on the far side of town.

ME: Any way we could leave on Saturday?

About now I check my calendar and realize that is the day of the hayride also. I so wanted to go and told everyone we would be there. Frustration is rising quickly at this point.

I wait for him to reply about Saturday. I assume we can talk more details later but then around 4:30 he emails me a copy of the confirmation. He actually bought the tickets! Just like that. Only gave me an hour warning. I am just pissed. I have no dog sitter lined up. I haven’t asked off early. I will need to tell my friend we won’t make the hayride. Grocery shopping and weekend chores will get done when? Who will watch the chickens? GRRRR

I email him back and express my frustration. He offers to cancel the tickets. That actually pisses me off and even more. I tell him to calm down and let me see what I can do. I remind him that we already had committed to hay ride as well. (George told me to not let him agree to things and then act like he didn’t.)

I contact Mike but he can NOT dog sit. Now what will I do?

I just sat here feeling rolled over. Now I have to find a dog kennel I guess. Now I have a bunch of shit to deal with because he just pulled the trigger so fast. I know he was rushing because there were not many seats left. His freakin procrastination is now my problem. Why didn’t he work this out weeks ago so we could schedule it and discuss the details properly?

I left work feeling totally overwhelmed by it all. I took the kids (all three) out to dinner and we had a great time. Then I went home determined to discuss the whole thing some more.

When I walked in he started happily chatting about something else and I told him I wanted to talk more about the train ride. The discussion was crap from the get go and of course, he says I agreed to the whole thing long ago and he doesn’t know why I am upset. I tell him that we never talked details like dates and times. He swears we did. We are both getting mad and the conversation is pointless. I take my pillow and go down stairs to sleep. He was probably thrilled.

This morning while I was running I just decided to tell him to go and I will stay home and do all the work and care for the animals. I walked in the house from my morning run and told him. “Just cancel mine and you two go and have fun. I will tend the chickens and the dog.” He said OK. I may be an idiot but at this point I assume THIS is the plan and start to wrap my head around it. So I miss out on the train ride which sucks but I have a peaceful weekend which is nice. His parents will be pissed. Oh well.

THEN, about an hour after I got to work I received an email saying he would cancel the tickets.
Then a few minutes later this email:
HUSBAND: Done….no problem.
Like I never even fucked everything up in the first place!
Sorry
We’ll have a great birthday hayride!

NOW….to add to the whole frustration with the lack of planning and communicating I also am feeling flustered at how quickly things change. I get my head thinking about one plan and about the time I get comfortable with it he changes it again. I hate the ever moving target crap.

So now what are we doing for her Birthday? I guess that I have to figure that out. And to be totally honest I don’t want him to even go to the god damn hay ride any more.

The Fence (part 1)

At some time in our sorted past (when we visited the therapist together I think) my husband told me that sometimes I bowl people over; that I get an idea or have an inspiration and there is no stopping me or talking me into something else.  That basically I become so focused and intent on accomplishing my goal that I don’t realize I might be stepping on toes or offending people in the process.  I have been told similar things before but it was phrased more like “you are very driven which can be both good and bad”.   

It’s true; I can be a go getter which means I am good at getting shit accomplished!   But I can also see where it might be a bit much at times for those close to me like my parents or my partner in life.

So last October when my husband and I discussed me getting my dog, one of the things I told him was that I would need a fence to house her in so I could leave her safely at home.  You see a few years ago my husband took over the back yard so he could keep chickens.  My dog was effectively kicked out without my permission.  I know he thought they could share the space but really who would think that?  Later the dog was hit by a car and we had to deal with a broken leg.  It was a mess.

Before she even arrived, my husband knew and agreed that we would get a fenced in area for her.   At the time husband was very eager to clear our “upper” lot and he suggested that we should fence it in.  Now this is at least an acre of land and it is not right next to the house…it is across the driveway and up a short distance.  Not ideal for me and my dog but better than nothing.  In an effort to keep the peace and make my husband into a hero I said that would be fine.  I knew I was signing up to escorting the dog out of the house to put her in the fence come rain or shine or winter snow, but I also figured, if he was happy that was good and that often the dog could run free while we are home and I would just stuff her in fence when I actually left the house. 

Husband set about doing some clearing for the fence to be built, but made no effort to get a hold of a fencing company for weeks and weeks.  (Keep in mind that he LOVES playing with his chainsaw more than almost anything in the world.) Before long it was almost Christmas and I was pestering him about when the new fence would be completed.  He told me he was working on it but it was a bad time of the year to get fencing companies to come bid a job.

By then I was getting frustrated with his rather lackadaisical pace.  It was also around this time I quizzed him harder on why we don’t just relocate the chickens and return the back yard to the dog area.  He told me the chickens were safer up by the house (Raccoons less likely to eat them) and that it was much easier for him to feed them and open and close the coop door daily if they were so handy.  Which made good sense to me and I was happy he explained (he often does not).

My next step was to ponder possible ways to get a fence faster and still make everyone happy.  I mean ideally, we would not move the chicken house and I would still be able to put the dog in the yard from the house.  You know, open the patio door and pop her out while still in my sock feet.

Then I had a thought; what if we divided the back yard into two sections; a chicken side and a dog side?  The only problem with that plan is that the currently fenced yard is not very big.  Then I decided it would be the perfect solution to enlarge the fenced in back yard and then divide it into two areas.  After all there is plenty of room back there. 

I came home eager to share this idea with husband.  I’m thinking this is a win win.  I get my dog fence back and he keeps his chickens close to the house.  I took him outside and showed him my concept where he “poo-pood” it quickly.  He said it would be too expensive, that it would not be good for resale (goofy two area back yard) and that it would look unattractive.  Valid arguments I suppose so I let it go.  Back to plan “A” fencing of the upper lot.

I also have to mention that when he tells me these things it is with a tone of “don’t be ridiculous” that is rather dismissive which makes feel disrespected.   He is very capable of being courteous to others when discussing their ideas but chooses to not be that way with me.  However rather than be angry at him, which accomplishes nothing, I choose to think he treats me this way because we are so familiar and he is letting his REAL self out.  This is a good thing if I choose to view it as one.

Finally he got a bid on the job….it was like $6000 for the fence he had envisioned.  No way would he spend that kind of cash so he pared down the plan and got the cost down to more like $3000.  At one point he even considered canning the whole idea until I reminded him that I was still patiently waiting for a place to keep my dog.  (See he forgot whey it was even being done.)

So the fence guy was going to start working on our $3000 upper lot fence in late February when it snowed.  More delays. (This is taking forever!!)

So all winter I took the dog to work with me every day and left her in the car in her kennel a lot after work.  Now that it is up over 50 degrees I can’t leave her in the car like that anymore and not having a fence is becoming a much bigger deal for me.  I have, in desperation, gone and stuck her into my X-husbands back yard.  It’s not a great solution and requires a fair bit of driving out of my way on my part but I don’t have many options.  One night I even forgot to go pick her up.  Got all the way home and realized I didn’t have her!  I had to call and beg X-husband to let her in his house for the night. He was NOT thrilled.

Now the snow is gone and we haven’t heard a word from our fence guy.  I am pretty sure he is out doing bigger jobs that will net him bigger profits.   So it has been almost SIX months now and I still don’t have a fence for my dog. 

To be completely honest….I am at the end of my rope.  I never meant to drag this dog around in the car with me everywhere I go for months and months.  I mean when she was a small puppy it was great….I got to train her and bond.  But now it is just a ridiculous pain in the ass.

Yesterday I couldn’t go to the gym because it was 75 degrees out and I could not leave the dog in the car.

Anyhow…..last Wednesday I asked husband if we could discuss the two fence idea again.  I had a few more ideas that I thought would help him buy into my plan.  One was to do fewer modifications on the existing fence and the other was to put up a temporary not a permanent divider between the chicken and dog that could easily be removed should we need to sell.  I am getting desperate at this point an NEED this done.

He then says to me “do whatever you want, but I am pissed that I worked all winter to make you the fence up on the upper lot and now it was all for nothing.  I wasted a lot of my time and money on this!”

SOOOOO…….do you think that went over well???? NO…no it did not. 

Lucky for him it was an email conversation.  I told him a) I was letting you do what YOU wanted…it was never my first choice b) I have been patiently waiting for 6 months now…SIX MONTHS.  C) You have wanted to clear that upper lot since the day we moved in so don’t tell me that all that work was for me!

(See this is how the passive aggressive person turns stuff around and makes me out to be a bad guy no matter what the situation.)

This was his next message word for word  “You have been patient and I have failed to provide you with a fence.  I am sorry for pushing my way on you.”

NOW he is in super PA mode….apologizing and acting all wounded.   I want to scream!
(But even more I WANT A FENCE!!!!!)

Negotiation

Negotiation is a dialogue between two or more people or parties, intended to reach an understanding, resolve point of difference, or gain advantage in outcome of dialogue, to produce an agreement upon courses of action, to bargain for individual or collective advantage, to craft outcomes to satisfy various interests of two people/parties involved in negotiation process. Negotiation is a process where each party involved in negotiating tries to gain an advantage for themselves by the end of the process. Negotiation is intended to aim at compromise.

Bonus points to anyone who knows where this photo came from!

Last night at 2 am I was thinking about what I could discuss with my husband next time we are having a talk when no one is upset and this is what I came up with.

You see, we never have a good productive problem solving discussion that I walk away from feeling satisfied.  The reason we don’t is because he won’t go through the negotiation process with me.  He either gets offended and shuts down or he just gives in and says “whatever you want”.   You might think that I am a lucky woman if my husband always says YES but you would be wrong.  It is just frustrating because he is not communicating his needs and desires to me at all.   And, by golly, I want to understand and respect his needs and desires.

If we could fix this one thing it could be huge and I think it is something I can bring up without emotion and discuss in a very analytic way which should please him.

First I will explain I want to discuss Negotiation.  Then I will explain why it is the subject I have chosen.  I will be sure to point out that “yes dear” is a kind and generous response for him to give his wife but I really care about his feeling and opinions so I want more dialogue.

Then I will cover the steps in negotiating and ask him if next time we have a conflict or possible point of contention if we could just go through these steps. 

They are:

1)      Prepare: Know what you are negotiating for and what your position is.

2)      Inform: Let the other person know what you want and why you want it.  Explain your position and back it up with logic.  Express your desired outcome.  This is your chance to share and be heard.

3)      Bargain & Problem solve:  Now after both parties have been properly informed search for common ground and a mutually agreeable outcome.  Time for give and take.  Hammer out the details of what will work for both of you.  Concessions might need to be made by both parties.

4)      Closure & Implementation:  Once agreement has been achieved be sure that both parties understand and are willing to follow through.  Be sure that both understand their roll in implementation.  Both parties should feel satisfied that they were heard and their ideas were of value.

Last but not least, I would add that once in a while, if you can not arrive at a mutually agreeable solution it is ok to say “let’s agree to disagree”.  You don’t have to always agree, but you do at least need to give compromise and the negotiation process a chance!

Thursday Therapy Recap

Last week my meeting with George got snowed out and I was so looking forward to it.

This week we had a really good session.  Somehow, he always makes me feel more positive.  He seems confident that Husband and I are actually good for each other and will figure out a way to make it work.  That deep down we have what each other needs we just need to figure out how to get past the BS that is in the way.

He fills my head with so many good ideas that I can’t really sort it all out.  I should take notes but it is really too much.  My head just swims all over the place.  I wish this was a course that met 3 times a week and I could sit at a desk and take notes and follow along in my book that spells it all out for me.  You know, raise my hand and ask questions and have it all be organized and neat.  I crave organization!

The one thing that sunk in today was build on the positive.  When he does something I like, I should praise him and thank him and once in a while it would even be OK if I asked for a bit more.  Like pump him up with gratitude and love and then make a small request while he is feeling all positive.  I get it….it makes sense and I will try it.  I hope it works.

BUT -   I worry that it is easy to understand an idea and far more difficult to execute it successfully.   (Low confidence in my ability?)  Also, I worry that sometimes when I try to be nice and praise him or give him positive feedback he gets turned off by it.  Like on some level if I am too happy it concerns him.  I suppose that goes back to the concept that there can only be one winner.  Man he used to just piss in Wheaties every time I came home in a really up mood.  He likes content but is not a huge fan of giddy with joy!  (just re-read this and decided he is not thilled when i am happy but is probably fine with me dishing out praise to him.)

Then again, the advice Husband has given me (in the recent past) about how to handle him consists of:

A)     be nice to him

B)      Never talk when feeling emotional.

I really do try to keep these things in mind.  BUT it is hard for me to shut up when I am upset…….it seems like the time to talk, to communicate and solve issues.  I get that he is turned off by emotions so I should just not go there but it is completely the opposite of what I need/want.

Last weekend I tried to talk to him when everyone was feeling peaceful and content and it felt silly.  I just wasn’t sure where to start or what to say.   It didn’t feel necessary at the time so I didn’t know how to proceed.  I kind of believe in letting a sleeping dog lie so I guess when all seems good I lack the motivation to talk issues.  Again, our needs are opposite.

(next time i am upset i will take notes so i can refer to them when we talk later when everyone is NOT emotional.)

Today I told George how good husband is with our daughter and how I think he really does show HER love (she is the only one).  We both agreed this is proof positive that he is capable of giving love; a good thing.

I told George how I never believe anything husband says…..because he frequently says what is easy or what he thinks he SHOULD say, not what he really thinks.  George said to just believe everything he says and let him worry about if it is true or not.  Simple.  Why make it my problem to sort that out? Again, I’m willing to try and see how it works.  (But I can’t forget how he said yes to the dog but then didn’t speak to me for weeks because he was so pissed I got a dog.) 

I told George that husband has been kissing me more and trying to be more affectionate because I have requested more “intimacy”.  I also told George that it feels forced and awkward because Husband does not do it because he WANTS it but because I asked for it.  So I find myself not enjoying what my husband is doing to please me after I requested that he do it.  Then I feel like a total jerk for not being all happy and excited that I got what I wanted. George says keep doing it and it will start to feel better.  Many things seem odd at first but we (as people) keep doing them over and over again until they feel right.  We can do this too when it come to emotionally and physically connecting.  Very skeptical of this one.  But, on the bright side, at least he is TRYING to do the things I have requested.

Well that is all I can recall for today. 

PS - I’m totally stressing out this afternoon because of my to do list:

1)      My taxes (hate to wait till the last minute).

2)      My kids and ex husbands taxes (needed for college forms).

3)      College boys Fed student aid form due by end of March.

4)      Enroll 5 year old in kindergarten……….sign up for lottery because her public school sucks.  (does she need a physical now or by next fall?)

5)      Continue with application process to get 5 year old into private school – interviews should be scheduled soon.

6)      College kid has car problems.

7)      Senior in high school has car problems.

8)      Need to pay rent for college kid (yes I did get roped into that and I am pissed cause he got a puppy too….so pissed I can’t see straight.)

9)      Starting a meditation class next week….hoping this will help my stress.

10)   Need to ramp up training for spring.  More running / more weight lifting / time on the bike.

11)   Need to eat less and lose my winter fat….running out of time, spring is almost here.

12)   Get to Grandma’s for a past due visit.  (her birthday was last week and I still have no gift)

13)   My new car needs oil change and bath desperately.

14)   Husband is trying to negotiate getting some equipment picked up…..and I am in the middle since I work where there are trucks and trailers we can borrow.

15)   I really need to refinance the house before interest rates go up.  They are so stinking low now I will just freak if I miss out.

This plus work my 40 hours a week "real" job…….take care of the families day to day needs and get Beanie to her classes, etc.  TIME IS THE ENEMY!  (and $$ a close second.)

Snow and more on PA Husband

Thanks to the snow....I have hardly been at work....so no chance to update this blog.  So far behind.

Today I am scrambling because tomorrow is supposed to be ANOTHER snow day!! Blah

This is something I read on the Internet last week that made me super depressed.  It is a response to a question about why husband doesn't seem to care about his wife's emotional needs.  I wish I could not relate.  By the way, this is the first time I have EVER dealt with someone like this.

__________________

"I feel for you because I lived that for 23 years. Unfortunately there are no easy answers to your questions. In a PA marriage the partners are operating from two diametrically opposed worldviews. Ours is that marriage is about connection; having a partner means that we invest in one another and learn about each other so that we can grow together in a mutually supportive environment. The PA husband believes that the world is made up of winners and losers; and they can’t be a winner unless someone is losing. They are terrified of being controlled and interpret meeting someone else’s needs as giving in and allowing themselves to be controlled.  In short, they see giving you what you ask for as losing. Their subconscious need to win overpowers their needs for intimacy and connection. When he declines to meet your needs, he gets a guilty little charge from your frustration and feels like he is in control.

The crux of the issue is that you do not have the same goals. It is hard for us to imagine not wanting a trusting, loving bond as the foundation of the relationship. However, the ugly truth is, they interpret such vulnerability as weakness and just cannot go there. Here is the thing that you really need to start hammering in to your head: You don’t have the power to change him. He might tell you that he wants the same things you do, but he can’t really own that winning is much more important to him than your emotional fulfillment. He will tell you whatever it takes to keep you in the game, because without you he has no opponent."

_________________

AND, this is why I never believe a thing he says to me.  I knew he was just telling me what I wanted to hear rather than saying what he really thinks, feels or believes.  I just didn't understand WHY before but now I get it and it makes sense and it is just so sad.

My PA Husband Takes a Break

Background story:

On February 3^rd around noon I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things.  At the checkout I paid for my groceries and as I stuffed my credit card back in my pocket I pulled my keys out of my pocket.  I then picked up two small plastic bags of groceries, one in each hand and walked out of the store.  My car was right by the door….only feet away and I climbed in my car, put the grocery bags on the passenger floor and then, much to my dismay, realized the keys were no longer in my hand.  Obviously I dropped them when I put the bags down…..I searched the floor board.  Nope.  Oh must be IN a bag….dump out contents.  NOPE.  Well I got in the car so they can’t be far.  Maybe I dropped them when I opened the car door.  Look on ground around car.  NOPE.  Gotta be here…..look some more.  Nothing.  WOW – am I losing my mind here or what?  They can’t be far, I just had them!!!!

I spent the next 30 minutes retracing every step I took from the time I KNEW I had them to the point I knew I did not and NO KEYS WERE FOUND.  Searched car like 8 times.  Finally I got my hide-a-key out and drove away.  BUT wow did it seem odd and I felt helpless, almost out of my mind.

I did find them the next day in my car in a cubby hole under my console that I swear I checked the day before.  I was thrilled to find them but still miffed at how the laws of physics were bent to allow me to drop keys over, then under and then behind two other things.

**************

So yesterday I spend a good chunk of the day at work reading about PA husbands.  It was depressing and I was feeling down.  After work I headed home to pack for my upcoming weekend ski trip.  As I was packing, I plucked what I thought was my good black roll top hat out of my car and put it in the pile.  (Rocco gave it to me years ago and it is my favorite and it is irreplaceable.)  Then as I was double checking my stuff spread out on the bed I realized I had grabbed a different black (running hat) from the car and not the favorite one.  I went back to car to exchange the hats and low and behold the favorite one was gone.  I knew I had it on Monday, just two days ago so it could not have gone far.  I searched the car and no feaking had.  I was already in a down mood and still a bit traumatized from the resent lost key fiasco, so I began to cry.

I went back in the house and double checked everything on the bed.   NOPE, it wasn’t there.  Searched the car one more time, NOPE….no hat.  SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!  Now I am balling my eyes out both mad and frustrated all at once.  TIRED OF LOSING THINGS!

Husband (who is still mad at me) notices I’m upset and asks why (which is actually not characteristic of him).  I tell him my favorite hat has disappeared and he says “well take a different fucking hat!”  (Isn’t he tender and kind to me? NOT)  I then turn to him and say “leave me alone you are 80% of the problem”.  I still had all my PA reading heavy on my mind which he did not know of course.  

I keep looking for the hat and at some point see husband putting his shoes on.  I quiz him as to what he is doing he says nothing and acts pleasant.  He then disappears into the basement.  I assume he is going to his man room to sulk.

Some minutes later I finally find the hat, in the car, behind the dog kennel.  What a relief.  I finish packing.  Husband is still down stairs so I decide to go down and apologize for being cross.  When I get down there I am shocked to find the lights are all off and no one is there.  WHAT?

I go back up stairs and look in the garage.  THE CAR IS GONE!  He actually snuck out the basement door, pushed the car out of the garage and drove away.  (Our bedroom, where I was packing is right by the garage and I did not hear him start the car.)  My head is spinning that he would actually act like this!

SO…….I phone him hoping he will answer and I will say come home and then it will be over.  He doesn’t answer.  I call many times and send him a few texts.  No response. I am VERY upset.  You know I have abandonment issue!

Eventually I crawl in bed with our daughter and fall asleep.

I wake up around midnight and he is still not back.  I am PISSED OFF!!!  I call his phone and he does not answer (of course) and I leave a message.  “If you don’t come home tonight you might as well consider that a request for a divorce!”

About 1:30 am he arrives home.  I had been sitting there fuming for over an hour.  Of course, as soon as he came in he wanted to go to bed and pretend nothing had happened and I wanted to discuss what the hell had just happened. 

I started talking and he sat there with a blank face.  I told him I can’t live like this, etc. etc. etc.  He said if I wanted a divorce that was fine but it was my idea not his.  I told him it was his idea because he refuses to actually BE a husband to me and I can’t put up with anything and everything he wants to do.

Then at some point I just stopped talking.  It was making him withdraw and he was just using everything I said against me and I realized that the more I talked the more he was hating me and our marriage and my desire to actually discuss our issues was only going to make things much much worse in the long run.

Then, somehow, I told him that ^^ and somehow we had some (not a lot) of productive talk.  As usual, he viewed our marriage as basically good and sound and could not understand why I was so upset.  He also told me that he hates emotions and thinks they are irrational and would rather I not talk to him when I am upset.  (Of course you do….who wouldn’t?) He also noted that he felt that he did nothing wrong by leaving, that he was upset and wanted a few hours to himself to calm down and regroup.  In his mind it was no big deal and I should be happy that he can control his anger.

I then explained that repressing anger does not mean it is gone it means it comes out in different ways, like sneaking out of the house like a 15 year old.  Or giving me the cold shoulder FOR DAYS or doing passive aggressive things to get even.  He listened and seemed to get it.  Which made me feel a bit better.

I also explained to him that I am the one making all the adjustments to keep the peace and therefore I am the one who suffers so he can experience the peaceful marriage that he thinks we have.  I told him that I am sick of feeling that I have to deal with everything by myself and he refuses to be included.  He knows he hates to talk and does not deny that.  He just tells me he finds it unpleasant and depressing.  I know that when I try to engage him in meaningful conversations it backfires because he will then get very passive aggressive because the discussions upset him.  He can’t seem to view it as a productive way for two people to come to agreement and work out personal issues.  So evidently if it is unpleasant for him I am not supposed to do it.  What a sweet deal he has going.  GRRRRR

I actually told him that if he didn’t want a relationship he should not have been dating and should not have married me.  I mean really, if you don’t want to deal with another person why get married!?!?!

It was close to 4 am when I finally went back to sleep and it was 6:30 when he got up and went to work.  I called in and told my boss I had not gotten any sleep and would be in later.  I dropped our daughter at school and then went back to bed until it was time to go see George for my weekly visit.

Reading & Fighting

So husband isn't speaking to me right now and I have been reading articles about Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder all afternoon.

Yesterday I was so excited when I figured all this out.  I assumed that if I knew what I was up against I would finally be able to acquire the information I needed to understand, deal with and improve my marriage.  Knowledge is power……right?

And to be honest, having all the pieces of the puzzle finally come together is so rewarding.  You kind of pat yourself on the back and say “I knew I wasn’t crazy….there really is something wrong!”

BUT, the more I read, the more depressed I get.  Best I can tell I have two choices, either except that he will never really be my partner in life and resolve myself to a long, miserable, lonely marriage or get a divorce.  Evidently these men don’t change, especially if they have been doing this for a long time.  Sadly, my husband is almost 40.

All I can find on the internet are tons of sad stories about how after years of trying these women finally gave up and filed for divorce.  Then as a bonus, in a final act of defiance, the husband makes getting the divorced a huge ordeal as well.  It’s just heart wrenching.  I haven’t found a single story with a happy ending.

Another thing I have discovered after all this reading is that I am lucky that he has not damaged my self esteem more than he has.   These PA men can really ruin their wives confidence with all the mind games they play leaving them a crumbled shell of a person.  Looks like my "big break" about a year ago was the best thing I could have done for myself.  I decided to go have my own life and quit letting him yank my heart around and that seems to be the best advice that anyone can offer; go and make your own life and don’t let him push your buttons.   I really felt guilty for mentally leaving him but the whole relationship is counterintuitive.  Evidently, the more you try to get through to him and work on your marriage the more you trigger the PA man into rejecting you.  They want you to keep your distance so trying to get them closer makes them worse!

I sure hope George has something to offer that I haven’t found yet!  Up until today I was hell bent on making this marriage last.  I refused to be a two time divorce; a two time failure at marriage.  BUT, I also refuse to just sign up for a lonely, loveless relationship for the rest of my life.  If this is it, and there is no hope that it will get better, I would be better off to just end it now and start working on my new life at 47 rather than waiting until I am 50 or 60 or whenever I would finally decide I can’t bear it anymore.

Oh yeah….and another thing.  GREAT f*cking timing on all this…..tomorrow is Valentine’s Day!

Passive-Aggresive

My husband and I kind of had a fight this morning except for one thing; he was all "everything is fine" and he was smiling.  I know better than that.........surely he is upset.......and then it hit me, rather than discuss the issue, he will make me pay by being passive-aggressive!!

(I have no idea why I am so slow to catch on!?!?!)

So, I Googled "Passive Aggresive"

Here are some things I found:

“When a passive-aggressive person is given a suggestion or an alternative way to do something, they will generally avoid doing the task in that way out of spite for the person who gave the suggestion. Oftentimes, passive-aggressive people will resent people who offer advice and suggestions.  They will resist it despite the fact that it might be a better option.”

 This is why my husband refuses to load the dishwasher my way even when I point out to him the specific reasons why I put certain things in certain places.  Like the plastic that melts must go on top rack and the kiddy cups need to go on a prong so they don’t flip over and fill with water.  He has no logic to his slapping things in there and is completely opposed to any directions.

 The only way I could get him to be responsible for the trash was to NEVER do it myself no matter what for a long long time.  He finally took it over after he finally realized I had washed my hands of it.  BUT whenever I had asked him to take out the trash, he would NOT do it.

“You might also notice that passive-aggressive people have a tendency to be sullen and stubborn.   Oftentimes, this appears to be like pouting or sulking and it can frustrate people around them.”

 Like the way he goes to the basement and won’t interact....so frustrating.

 “They might also be easily offended because they will take the things that people say to them and misconstrue them into a personal attack.   They do this because it puts others on the defensive that, in turn, helps them appear like a victim.    Even though they tend to be overly sensitive to the things people say to them, they are often quick to point out the shortcomings of others.”

 Every time I try to have a productive discussion with him it turns in to him pointing out how he is being victimized and I am unreasonable or ridiculous.
“Passive-aggressive personalities also have a fear of intimacy. For them, intimacy is a sign of dependency and they do not like to feel dependent on anybody or anything.   Passive-aggressive people are generally self-dependent and they prefer to make their own decisions without input from others.”

I have always said he refuses to be intimate with me and is overly self reliant.  This is not how you build a marriage!  Many people have pointed to this behavior and said that he simply doesn’t love me, but I know for a fact that he is NOT intimate or close to anyone.  And, I do suspect he actually loves me.   BUT he seems to be incapable or completely unwilling to form close bonds with anyone.  He is closer to me and his daughter than anyone else.

“Although they often involve themselves in relationships, both intimate and platonic, their negativist personality traits tend to be an obstacle that presents itself.”

He has confused me so much over the years with all this behavior and honestly I would not have stuck around if it were not for our child.  He is probably very lucky to be married at all!

“In addition to the disdain towards intimacy and dependency, passive-aggressive personalities do not communicate well.   This trait plays into a type of self-fulfilling prophecy.   They often feel that others do not communicate well with them and, as a result, they refuse to communicate well with others. In fact, their behavior has trained others around them to avoid communication.  This leads to both parties who refuse to communicate with the other. As expected, the passive-aggressive person will blame the lack of communication on others rather than themselves.”

 Yup...I have been trained to not even bother trying to talk to him.

“Avoiding conflict is another personal trait that many passive-aggressive people strive towards. They typically have ideas of confronting others, but they often get scared or choose to go another route.   For example, if a passive-aggressive person lives in an apartment and their upstairs neighbor constantly blares music, the person might imagine going to the neighbor to ask them to turn it down.   Instead, the irritated PA tenant will do something more subtle to try and get their point across.   One option might be to turn their music up to drown out the neighbor’s music. “

 Yes, he is mad at me today but rather than fight about it......he would rather just wait and get even in some PA manner!

"Blaming is also another trait that comes naturally to a passive aggressive person. In his mind, he can never be wrong and he will always have a reason or a person on whom he can put his blame. He considers himself to be faultless and whatever situation he finds himself in, is caused by another person. Due to this, if the wife confronts him or breaks the relationship due to his behavior, he will never accept his mistake and will find ways to make sure that she pays for making such a decision.”

 This is what I was saying about getting divorced and how he would try to ruin me!

“Passive-aggressive people can be emotionally exhausting and frustrating. “

 Don’t I know it!!  And it took me a long time to understand all this....In fact I feel like a big window just got openened and I am seeing so much today.  (Can't wait to talk to George about it.)

One web article offered these tips on how to keep your sanity.
1) The first rule for dealing with a PA personality is to refrain from getting into a power struggle. They have had a lifetime of practice in doing this and you probably will not win this struggle. 
In the end, you will likely end up being frustrated and the other person will feel like they have won a battle against you. 

 2) Do not let the passive-aggressive person get to you. They usually know how to get under a person’s skin and irritate them until they become frustrated.   Once you have become irritated and frustrated, you lose any edge that you may have with them. Passive-aggressive people often feel a sense of accomplishment when they get somebody frustrated with their subtle tendencies.

3) If you find yourself in an argument or struggle with a passive-aggressive personality, try to turn the tables on them.   Describe the behavior that they are exhibiting in a calm and rational manner.   They will likely deny that they are behaving in such a way and probably say that it is merely your perception, but putting them on the defensive will often make them back down.   You can also point out the inconsistencies in their behavior or their argument. Trying to see the argument from their point of view will help you debate with them with more success.

4) Finally, ask the passive-aggressive person how they would solve or improve the situation. Since they are accustomed to avoiding responsibility and making decisions, they will likely avoid the opportunity to give their advice.  As long as somebody else makes the major decisions, the passive-aggressive person will have somebody on which to place the blame if something goes wrong.
***********

Saving the best for last!

Passive-aggressive personality is listed as one of the abnormal personality disorder with the American Psychological Association. As such, people who suffer from a passive-aggressive personality have more limited abilities to reason with logical arguments and thoughts.   It is important to remember this if you encounter somebody who has this disorder. Rather than debating the person using the same methods you would use with logical person, you will need to use other types of arguments and techniques to get your point across.   Even though it is not a debilitating mental disorder, people with this disorder can prove to try your patience and cause a great deal of frustration.

Cycling IS Therapy

Last week, my husband rode his bike to work on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday! On one of these days, he took the long way home which made his commute 2 hours long. He came in the house with a big smile on his face obviously feeling very happy. He proclaimed out loud that he “loves me so much more when he can ride his bike!” I was thrilled to see him so chipper.

Later in the evening I decided to ask more questions to better understand what he meant by his boisterous comment. He told me that he has to get his aggressions out to be happy and at peace. That cycling is where he can exercise his demons; that it is his much needed therapy. To a certain extent I can totally relate because cycling is good for my mental state as well.

It is true; when he does not get to work out, be it running, cycling or lifting, he is a moody, depressive person. He manifests these negative moods by not speaking to me, avoiding me and sending out a general negative vibe if I try to interact with him. If he does get to do his favorite things…..have his “me time” he is generally a pretty nice and agreeable person to live with.

So to sum it up, if he doesn’t get to have his fun time and do what he wants, he is mean and rotten to anyone who gets in his path. Thinking about this harder, I begin to feel like a hostage that has no choice. Either give him his way or pay the price!

This would all be a little bit easier to swallow except, if he bikes to work, I am solely responsible for transporting our toddler to and from school. So there is a lot more pressure on me to take responsibility for our daughter so he can do what makes him happy. (Guess who has way more than 50% of the responsibility!?!?!)

And don’t think I get equal time at a later date. I get my “me time” from 5:15 to 6:45 in the morning two, sometimes three days a week when I get to go for a run. She is generally still sleeping for most of the hour and a half he is “babysitting”. The rest of the day he is pretty much free to do anything he wants to.

Another element of this whole discussion is this; when I walk in the room after being gone, I don’t know what kind of a mood I will find him in. I never know if he will be a nice, normal person or a sulky, negative person who hates to interact. Generally, if he does pick up our daughter from day care so I can do something after work, when I arrive home I get the negative guy which pretty much ruins my evening. Usually I see the negative guy at least once a week or more. Sometimes he even changes moods for no reason that I can see in the middle of the evening. (I generally attribute this to just being tired.)

Not knowing what mood you will find him in gets old. And, try as hard as I will to not take it personally, it is really hard not to. When your significant other treats you like they are mad at you it is hard to just ignore it and wait for it to pass. And, if I try to discuss the situation with him when he is grumpy, I get met with his full on negativity. Mostly he tells me it is him, not me and I should not worry about it. But I still can’t help but wonder why he is in a bad mood because I usually don’t act angry at someone unless something in my head has triggered the mood. So, I assume he got triggered and I want to know why.

Another comment he loves to throw around is that he is so much better now than he has ever been before and he doesn’t think he is that moody anymore; that his ex wife had it so much worse, etc. etc. He will also tell me that the best way for me to respond is to ignore his mood and it will pass. He always assures me that I make him very happy and that everything is good and fine.