Road Trip

I am so excited. My super sweet Kevin told me he has always wanted to visit Memphis and Graceland. I never really had a hankering to go there, but I have heard great things about Memphis and I have no doubt that visiting Gracelast would be fun even if it does sound kind of cheesy. (we both think it's cheesy)

SO....my dear sweet man has reserved this cabin for my birthday weekend (end of August).  We talked about camping but decided the cabin would be fun and more of an adventure than just getting a hotel room. We plan on riding the motorcycle down for a fun filled weekend vacation. I can't wait!!

I also love the fact that it is so easy to plan stuff with him. We discuss, agree and then he books it. So refreshing!

I know we will have a great trip.....we just enjoy each other's company so much.

Oh and he LOVES barbeque so I am sure we will having some yummy barbeque dinners.

Normal - Grateful

Easter Loot

A strange thing has happened in the last few weeks. I am overcome with a sense of normalcy. Like life is normal. I am calm, well adjusted….nothing feels crazy or messed up. I feel more at peace than I have in many years. I suspect that being away from the STBX with all his mixed messages and shady behavior is the primary reason for my change. Also, being in a kind and loving relationship has made me feel accepted and now I suspect that I may not be as messed up as I thought I was, maybe it was just situational. Living in a “fake” marriage is no doubt a huge stressor.

For some reason lately I read Chump Lady a lot. I read every single day, sometimes for hours on end reading all the comments. I am not sure why I am drawn to reading it all. Could it just be I am bored with my job and killing time? Or maybe it makes me feel less alone in the world to know that other people are going through tough times and the end of a marriage (or at least the end of a dream of what they wanted in their marriage).

I noticed the other day that I was even feeling a bit guilty. I had this odd feeling that I missed my husband, being married and I was a bad person for leaving. No doubt reading a cheaters forum obsessively was getting to me. Then I thought about it some more and realized that NOT talking to him and not living with him and not being around him at all has already made me forget how hard it was to be in a relationship with him. It is like the negative has floated away and the dream has filled the open space again. The good times keep whispering in my ear. I fully believe this is part of me just feeling normal and not feeling persecuted. I am not depressed or triggered so I am remembering the good times and feeling optimistic about life in general. I am reflecting on my marriage as if it were a normal *real* marriage; which it wasn’t.

I also think I have realized that I never trusted him (and he never trusted me) right from the start and no matter how long we were together we never got past that. Maybe it was totally ridiculous to ever think that over time we could learn to trust each other. Probably once trust is gone it is very rare that it would ever be regained. And we never had it to start with so *regain* is the wrong word. I don’t think husband was actively cheating on me after we were married, but the fact that he did for the first couple years of our relationship set the tone. He gave up the other women grudgingly (maybe it was her choice not his?) and never wanted to be married to me so he tried very hard to *feel* single. Which is just not going to make for a good healthy relationship now is it?

I gave STBX the divorce papers about a month ago and he baulked at reading them for weeks. He finally said he did look at them but then procrastinated about actually discussing any of it with me. He has pretty much been NC with me since I moved out which may be what is best for both of us at this point. Last week I did decide to force discussion about the divorce papers. I would like to get this over with sooner than later. We exchanged a few emails and I quickly became nervous and annoyed. He just has a way of being exacerbating. He throws in comments that are meant to sound nice…but sound contrived. He asks the same questions over and over again. He acts like he doesn’t understand things but I know he does. It is all passive aggressive BS that makes me crazy. I assume he is stalling for some reason he hasn’t told me. The shady evasive stuff makes me nuts and I really won’t feel safe until this divorce is DONE.

The biggest issue with the divorce is the possibility that one of us might move away. He wants to put it in the papers that we can’t move away from here until she is 18. I told him that I might very well lose my job soon and that I might have to move in order to find employment. He said it would break his heart to not see his daughter regularly. I understand that it is not ideal but we need to be realistic, we both need to have jobs and an income. I asked who would pay my bills if I can’t find a new job here in this small town with limited options. He has no good answer. Besides, I am sure in no time he will find a new lady friend (if he hasn’t already) and he will not be as worried about seeing his daughter as he is right now. At this point I think it is just a phase....it makes him look like a normal caring father. But, mark my words, he will get used to being single and feel stifled by her. It’s not like he ever really enjoyed spending time with her. When we lived together I always had to force him to spend time with her. Anyhow……..I refuse to let him control my financial future so we are at an impasse on that subject. Thankfully most of the other items in the divorce papers we have agreed upon.

***just re-read that last paragraph and realized the main reason he wants her is so he doesn't have to pay child support.  He is surely trying to be the attentive parent so he will look good on paper and thus avoid the cost of paying for her rather than giving her his time which will be easier to weasel out of later***

Speaking of employment woes it is getting pretty scary here. My company is having terrible cash flow issues. Right now I do not have the money to fund this week’s payroll. I am just praying that a check comes in tomorrow. Also, I just completed my first pass at last year’s financial statements and we lost about $1 million dollars. Not good. At the same time Kevin just found out that his company is getting sold to a big nationwide company in the next month or so. It is possible we will both be out of a job! We do have a plan which gives me some comfort. If either of us loses our jobs, I will sublet my super lovely little house and move in with him. His house payment is only $300 per month so it would be a LONG time before we would end up homeless at that rate. I am so very grateful to have Kevin in my life.

Lately I am very thankful that STBX values being in emotional control so much that he has not done anything stupid or dramatic. He is not showing up at my house to make a scene nor is he ranting at me in anger when no one is looking. (Or maybe he is just happy with me gone.) Chump Lady had a post about Nice vs. Kind  LINK HERE which sums him up perfectly. And actually being nice at this point isn’t ALL bad. He is nice but there is no substance behind it. He tells people what they want to hear but doesn’t mean anything he says. He will agree to do something but have no intention of ever doing it. It is not a trait that I like; someone who is all show and no substance, but many people think he is a nice guy. However, the only thing STBX really cares about it pleasing himself as much as possible by either eliminating other people who may make demands on him or figuring out how to get others to do his bidding thus making his life easier or better. In fact last Saturday he had a babysitter watch our daughter for a good chunk of the day and that is the only day she is with him. She comes back to me Saturday evening through Monday morning.

In the past week or two I have made small gestured towards the STBX in an attempt to be friendly; like send him pictures of our daughter via text. Probably partly out of guilt and partly just because I really am a nice person who wants to be kind to others and have them like me. AND because he did tell me about 100 times before I moved out that he very much wanted us to be friends. WELL...he has ignored all of my attempts to chat or be friendly, which I at first found baffling. I mean if he wants to be friends as he told me before, then why choose to ignore me when I do reach out to him? Then, if I really think about it I understand that he believes there is nothing for him to gain at this point so why bother. No doubt the only reason he ever wanted to speak to me before I moved out was because he hoped he could parley it into a sexual encounter or maybe win me over enough to give him a break on the house price or child support ….or leave the book shelves for him (which I did...so it worked!).

Even though I know he does NOT think like me at all I still struggle to get past assuming he will react in a way that makes sense to me. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to grasp that he does not function in a way that is meaningful to me.  

Ski/Boarding trip

We just spent a long weekend skiing in Colorado (well I snowboard actually).  We had a GREAT time. 

only picture of us together....not so good, but it's all I have.

Thursday

Thursdays are usually my good days. The one day a week I tend to feel mentally “normal” all day.

I always start the day with a run. I am sure this contributes.

I usually go see George at noon. Today we had a really good session and he even let me stay an extra 1/2 hour because he had a cancellation.  We didn't talk about Husband much. We did talk about me and my issues and we even talked about KP and how he seems to get me.

Tonight is my "free" night and I will go over to KPs house and sit on his couch with him and look out the window at the church across the street. We will sit there and talk until 9 pm and then I will reluctantly leave to go home. It is relaxing there and I enjoy it.

Even though the weather has been drizzly and dark today I have been feeling pretty UP. Often when the weather is gloomy so is my mood.

Sometimes it is hard to go see George when I feel fine. Then again, yesterday morning I was not fine. I was headed down the rabbit hole.

Yesterday morning I woke up in the basement. I had retreated there at some point in the middle of the night when the dog scratching and the husband snoring drove me there. I came upstairs at 5:30 AM expecting to see my Husband sitting on the bed watching the news while sipping his coffee. Instead I found my 6 year old sitting on the bed watching cartoons. I asked her where her daddy was and she told me had already left!

I was upset that he left without saying good-bye, but not even a little bit surprised. I was also wondering why he thought it was OK to leave the kid there all by herself. I guess she could have come and found me should she need me. I was upset that the girl was up already too. She really needs more sleep. 5:30 is way too early for her to be up…I need some quiet time too you know!

Then Monster called freaking out because he is flunking math and wanting to know what to do. How would I know what to do? I made only “A”s when I was in college. I tried to comfort him and told him I would ask Husband who works at the University and attended a much bigger university than I did.

While driving to work I talked to KP on the phone and he said something that sounded ignorant so I pointed that out.  He told me I can be rude at times.  We got into a bit of a spat, BUT, as usual, he and I discussed it all out and the problem was solved. I am eternally grateful that SOMEONE actually listens to me.

Anyway, yesterday I was upset and thinking very negatively. Today it is hard to even relate to you how bad I felt yesterday. I told George that I want to go back to the old me; the way I was before my life exploded in 2001-2002. He told me I will never be like that again but I can be even better, even more self-aware. I told him that therapy over all these years has done little to make me feel better and I am frustrated because I feel like I STILL have way more bad days than good.

He encouraged me to get to know myself better; to continue to be more open and honest with my loved ones and friends. He told me to work on figuring out ways to draw myself out of the dark moods. Right now KP is good at pulling me out but I need to learn to pull myself out. Also I need to continue to learn to “feel” my feelings. So far that has not gone well. When I get upset and negative I just feel like puking. This is not a feeling you want to dwell on.

Have to get back to work now. Very busy. Sorry for all the type-os…I don’t have time to proof read this.

UPDATE:
Monster talked to his instructor who agreed to give him a “W” for the semester and the boy is going to retake the course and I will hire a tutor to help him. I also suggested some study strategies and he seemed enthusiastic about my advice. Lastly, I suggested he talk to his PCP about getting some anti-anxiety meds. The boy is a nervous wreck lately.

Living

Today we went for a 3 hour motorcycle ride.

It was glorious, a beautiful, sunny fall day.

 My iPod loaded with my favorite tunes.

 My favorite person vigilantly piloting his Harley through the countryside.

 

 

 

Two people happy as hell to be with each other.

Weekend Recap - GOOD WEEKEND - Family Time!!

Last Thursday I was in a fairly good mood. Went to see George and that was nice…he almost always makes me feel positive and hopeful. Thursday evening I biked 20 miles in less than an hour. It was a group ride but Uwe and I ended up doing most of it with just us two. Averaging over 20 mph when you are NOT in a pack is hard work. After the bike I had a few beers (that I counted in my calorie count – GO ME) and enjoyed our little social gathering in the parking lot. I went home in a GREAT mood. I managed to stay in a positive loving mood all weekend too.

Saturday we finally accomplished a real family outing and it went very well. Husband was patient and affectionate with both me and Beanie all day. We toured a few local caves and had swim time at the river. Beanie said her favorite thing was seeing the bats in the cave. She was very inquisitive and well behaved all day.

The car ride home from the cave.

Sunday I biked with a group of awesome friends which totally hit the spot. After that I hustled up a friend with a truck to move a desk for Monster. He had a month to do it and did NOT …which totally hacked me off but it was a free desk and in good shape and I could not bear to see it go in the trash. I just left it in his driveway. Later he texted to thank me and say it is awesome and fits perfectly in his room. Glad I made the effort and had Kevin to help me out.

Sunday afternoon husband biked and I made a huge effort to get to the lake for a swim. I had to find a babysitter for Beanie, drop her off, drive 20 minutes to the lake. I only swam half a mile so I was done in about 25 minutes. I chatted up a few friends who also swam before driving back to town to pick up the kid and then home to shower. All in all it was too much darn time and effort for a swim that left me with goggle eyes for the next 5 hours. THIS IS WHY I DON’T SWIM OFTEN. Even if I had a pool handy it would dry my skin out badly and give me goggle eyes every time I swam. BUMMER because it is a good low impact cardio activity and I really would like to improve my swim times.

As soon as we got cleaned up Beanie and I headed to Valarie’s & Carrie’s house for social time. We had a great evening. The girls played, me and Valarie drank wine and chatted each other’s ears off. It was 9 before I knew it and we rushed home. I think Daddy enjoyed his alone time while we were gone. I hope the introvert recharged while I was busy getting a good social fix.

Happy Monday

Well it’s Monday morning and instead of feeling my normal drained, sad and frustrated with life I feel pretty darn good. Upon examination I have to say that the main reason is I didn’t have to deal with Husband hardly at all this weekend and I did find plenty of fun or productive things to do.

Here are the highlights:

Saturday morning 7 mile run with my dog after which I ran into a couple of my running friends in the parking lot and had a nice bit of social time.

Signed Beanie up for Dance class for this coming school year; happy to have than all nailed down and paid for.

I was asked to join a relay team to do a triathlon this fall; bike leg of course. I am super happy about this. I wanted to go with our club to this event but was balking at doing a whole Olympic distance tri on my own since I have not been able to eke out the time to swim. (How the hell did Wife manage to do a half iron man when her son was only 10 months old and she was working full time???)

I biked 41 miles with my three favorite bald guys in the world and we had a blast. We got caught in the rain, had a flat tire but mostly we were all just majorly goofy.

Then I biked another 10 miles with my new friend Valarie. She is just getting into biking. I think she has a lot of potential. I really like her and sure do hope she likes me too. After biking we went and floated in the lake for a while and just chatted. It is awesome to have a girl friend to just yap yap yap with.

Sunday morning I took Beanie to the grocery store (Husband had to work) and we got supplies to cook lunch for Ramone and Monster. Beanie was really fun to have along and while we were there we picked out some gym shoes she needed for kindergarten. They were only $12…score!

The big kids came over for Sunday family lunch. As usual they didn’t stay long enough but still glad they came.

Sunday afternoon Beanie required a nap so she and I snuggled in bed for a few hours. After that we went to Target to get her school supplies. Always good to get that chore behind you!

Sunday evening we watched a show on PBS about the real castle in the TV series Downton Abbey. It was FASCINATING. I just eat that stuff up.

Hubby returned from work at bed time. One thing I thought about him over the weekend is that he only seems to exhibit the emotions of frustrated, tired and busy. He rarely seems to act happy, silly, romantic or affectionate. When he does hug me or cuddle it never feels affectionate it just feels like he wants to grope a women’s body; like it is purely physical pleasure for him and not an emotional thing at all. I never really feel like he likes ME, it just feels like he likes boobs.

Bonus: my scale was nice to me when I weighed myself.

Let's Talk about Porn!

The night my husband stayed out until 1:30 a.m. I was sitting there fuming and thinking things like “if he doesn’t come home by morning I’m changing the locks first thing”.  I also, got up and cleared out his porn drawer.  For some reason, that was the first things I thought to do.  I was going to throw it away.  I hate his porn!  (Later I gave it back to him.)

He keeps telling me he does it for me. That he has a very high sex drive and prefers to ejaculate at least once a day so he “uses” the porn to aid him in this activity.  Usually on the days I leave the house early to run, before our daughter gets up, he takes the opportunity to relax with some lube and one of these DVDs.

My husbands porn collection.

He says if he did not do this he would never leave me alone and he would be staring at random women’s breasts all day long. 

You know what I think about it……..

a)      The fact that men are such slaves to their sex drive makes me crazy.  EVOLVE MEN..EVOLVE!

b)      I really don’t want this crap in the same house with my kids.

c)       I HATE the way porn portrays sex!

I think men who watch a lot of porn get effed up ideas about what sex is and what it should be like.   You ever notice that the people in the movies are never in a committed relationship? It is like the pizza guy shows up and the scantily clad horny rich girls having a slumber party drag him into the house so they can have their naughty way with him.  Yes, this is every man’s fantasy, and I understand that is why it sells, but how many men out there start wanting or expecting something similar to happen to them or they are disappointed? 

NO men…..chances are………….your wife is NOT going to great you at the door dressed as a French maid and beg to give you a 1 hour blow job!  NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.

Now, I am not advocating making porn illegal nor do I think anyone that watches it has issues.  I think porn has its place.  But at my house it is substituting for a real physical relationship between me and my husband which I am sure is wrong.

I always wonder if he isn’t addicted or something.  I wonder if he didn’t masturbate so much he might have more of a desire to actually work on a real relationship with me so he could be sexually satisfied by a real person.  I mean for a guy that is scared to connect how convenient to have sex with a movie and when you are satisfied you can just pop it back in the drawer until next time.  So neat and tidy, not messy like a real relationship.

This last week husband has been pretty darn sweet and I have been enjoying the low stress feeling of nobody being in a bad mood.  I have been doing great on my diet, getting in my workouts and getting caught up here at work.  Peace is so good for me.  :)

I never did get up the nerve (or have a good opportunity) to discuss “negotiation” with him but I have that discussed filed away in my head should I need it.  

I don’t feel like I really NEED to talk to George tomorrow and I was even thinking about cancelling since it does cost me money.  Then I got to thinking that last week George and I spoke briefly about my husband’s porn habit and he agreed with me that it is not good for our marriage.  I think tomorrow I will go in and talk to him some more about porn and see what George thinks I can do to get the porn out of my house.  (it can be awkward to discuss though)

Labor Day Weekend

So my husband has either found my blog and never confessed or he has an incredible sense of timing.  I’m going to go with the second option.

Saturday was rainy and I went down to visit Friss.  Of course I took Beanie because husband could not be bothered with watching her all afternoon.  We had a great visit other than the fact that a 5 year old is incredibly good at interrupting, so the words “now what were we talking about?” were uttered so many times I can’t count.

On the drive home I phoned husband and he was working on installing a ceiling fan in Beanie’s bedroom.  I was thrilled!  He went and picked one out, purchased it and installed it and I didn’t have to do a thing.  What a nice feeling to have Daddy taking care of us!  (In hind sight he was no doubt waiting for a rainy day to do it and we all know it has been since May that we had one.)

Sunday morning I was supposed to do one last LONG brick before my race and Bob was supposed to join me; however in the wee hour of the morning he texted me that he was feeling under the weather and would not make it. SO I put my bike on the car and did it all by myself.  I wore my new GARMIN 910xt so there was some fun involved as I was trying out a new toy.  Overall it went well.  I started a bit late and rode the first 15 miles in some light rain but by the turn around it had cleared up and I had a tail wind for the last 28 miles.  Total time for my 56 mile bike was right at 3:15 hours.  I am happy with that and hope to do 3 hours in the actual race assuming it is not raining or super windy.

Next it was time to run.  I had planned a 13 mile out and back course.  I successfully switched my Garmin from bike mode to run mode (go me) and headed out.  At first I felt sluggish but figured I would feel better once I found my groove.  Later I decided that I had probably eaten TOO MANY calories.  I was being overly cautious about running out of fuel; lesson learned.  (Husband later told me no more than 300 calories per hour.) Then, around mile 3, there was a construction area that was super muddy thanks to all the rain from Hurricane Isaac.  I tried to pick my way through and not get too muddy but there was just no way.  It took me 10 minutes to scrape my shoes off so I could start running again.  Wow, was I losing steam.  As I kept running on the original course it occurred to me I needed a reroute so I did not have to traverse the mud pit again.  I mapped a route in my mind and switched direction.  At some point I figured out that the new route was not going to be long enough.  I fussed about not making my 13 miles for a bit and then decided I was too crabby, tired and sick of running tocare anymore and just ran back to the car.  It was 11 ugly miles at a 9:30 average pace.  I was hoping for closer to a 9 minute pace.  That is my goal for the race.

I spent the rest of the day puttering around the house.  I drank some beer, did some cooking and napped with my daughter.  I deemed it a successful day.

Monday was a holiday which was perfect.  I needed a day to do my weekend chores and as a bonus, I could actually join my friends for their normal Monday morning bike ride.  After the ride one of the participants always hosts a big home cooked breakfast.  This time it was my buddy who is a police officer so it was kind of fun to see what his place was like.  Also, we ate biscuits, gravy, eggs and bacon.  Wow, best breakfast I have had in years.

After enjoying the company of my friends for a long and digesting a bit I headed home and hubby disappeared down the road on his bike.  I did all my chores and got Beanie down for an early nap.  Around 2 I dropped her at a friend’s house for a play date and I scooted over to the lake to swim with my new Garmin on.  It was pretty cool to finally get a real reading on how long it will take me to swim 1.2 miles.  It was 48 minutes.  So I am estimating it will take one hour or less in the actual race.

So let’s add this up:

Swim – 1 hour

Bike – 3 hours

Run – 2 hours

Total = 6 hours  = BEST CASE!!  If I do this thing in anywhere near 6 hours I will be THRILLED.

I will be disappointed if it takes me more than 7 hours.  So that is the goal, under 7 hours.

Cancun Mexico

For the longest time Husband had pretty much refused to plan a family vacation or even a vacation with just the two of us (leaving our daughter with his parents) so I am not sure why he finally agreed to this vacation in Cancun Mexico but I am sure glad he did.

We left home on Sunday the 22^nd of August and drove to his parent’s house.  Our flight was at 7 am on Monday morning so we needed to be up and out the door early.  It would be Beanie’s first ever airplane trip and she was excited.

We traveled with some old family friends of my husbands.  They are both school teacher so that is why we were venturing to Mexico in July.  They also have a little boy who is about 2 years younger than Beanie.  She likes to think of him as her little brother.  We assumed it would be great to have both kids along so they could play with each other.

The flight down went smoothly and Bean only looked scared for a few second when we first took off.  Once we landed in Cancun, we were picked up by a shuttle and driven to our all inclusive resort hotel.  I have never stayed at an all inclusive before and it was pretty cool to have a drink handed to you as you checked in at the front desk.

The place was very pretty and I was really feeling good about the trip.  The day we arrived, we went swimming and waded in the ocean and then had a really fancy dinner at the restaurant there in the hotel.  At dinner they served us a bottle of wine.  Nice.  And it’s all included.

I woke up the first morning in this gorgeous white hotel room on the beach in Cancun…. in a huge king size bed with my husband sleeping next to me and our daughter next to him.  I felt really happy and lucky at that moment.  I was ready to have a great vacation!

We spent the next few days swimming and enjoying the beach and eating at all the restaurants available between our hotel and the one next door which was also open to us as part of our deal.  We drank all the drinks we wanted for free!!  All you have to do is walk up to the bar and ask and they give you pretty much anything.  No wallet required.  (I know we paid, but that was back when we booked our rooms.)Beanie got a kick out of having soda since we limit that normally.  We told her she was on vacation so she could indulge.

It was relaxing but it got a little boring after a while.  And, of course, I had hoped that Husband and I would finally connect but sadly it never happened.  One night we were walking on the beach and I tried to engage husband in a more intimate conversation.  Of course it didn’t go well and just ended up aggravating him.  The next day we were sitting by the pool and again I brought up something that he did not want to discuss.  I can’t even remember what we were talking about because his response completely stunned me.  He said “honesty is going to ruin my vacation” and he stormed off.  

We tried to do a day trip into town and then got a little lost because he refused to talk to the bus driver.  This irritated me because we ended up having to walk a lot in a strange city with a small child who wanted to be carried.  He, of course could not carry her because of his cast and stitches.

One night we were in our room together after Beanie had dozed off and he asked me if I was going to go to sleep.  I knew if I didn’t he would stay and try to get sex from me.  I really wasn’t in the mood to finally get his attention just because he wanted to “have a good time” so I lied and told him I was really tired so he would leave.   That just made me super sad.

The little boy that went along to keep Beanie company turned out to be a little monster.  He tried to push, hit and fight with our daughter every time he got near her.  We spent most of our time trying to keep them apart from each other.  He threw tantrums in the restaurants and frequently would refuse to wear any clothes at all.  His parents just never discipline him.  It’s crazy.

The trip did have some bright spots.  I got to see a mama sea turtle haul herself up onto the beach one night and lay her eggs.  My child was very well behaved for the most part and being there to experience her experiencing so many new adventures was a delight.  So many first for her; first time on a plan, first time on a bus, first hotel stay, first time to see the ocean, first time on a boat, first ride in a golf cart and I am sure there are even more.

The beach was so beautiful and white.  The resort was just wonderful.  Everyone we met at the hotel, be they workers or guests were so super nice.  There was more than one person who worked there that told us there names, learned our names and seemed genuinely thrilled to see us every day.  I really enjoyed getting to know these people.  They made the trip even more special.

All in all I was glad I got to experience Cancun and an all inclusive resort but it is not a vacation I can’t wait to do again. Next vacation will have to be some great new adventure.  (And I suspect I won’t be taking my husband.)



Enjoying a glass of juice after getting her hair done.  Note the in pool bar behind her.




On the big speed boat headed to visit the island. 



Doing shots at dinner.  (The kids got apple juice.)

Only decent beach shot of us all.

The first time she saw the ocean.

Our hotel.

Enjoying he last soda before we left.

Nap time on the beach.

The other couple took the kids to a pirate dinner.

My mama turtle looking for that perfect spot to drop her clutch of eggs.

Beanie and her fancy shrimp dinner wearing the new dress Daddy bought her at the flea market.

Very Happy Day

Today I am in a really good mood.  There are a few reasons for this.

How about a list!

1)      The sun is out

2)      Work is really not busy or stressful right now.

3)      I am not training for anything special so my workouts have been more fun and less pressured.

4)      Husband has been really sweet to me all week.

5)      Beanie has been acting so mature lately….less temper tantrums and more pleasant.

6)      Uwe has been nicer to me for the last few days.

7)      I am feeling healthy and have finally dropped a few pounds in weight.

The main reason I am in a better mood is because all my relationships are in a good place.  Everyone is being good to me. 

Side story: I figured out why Uwe was being mean to me over the past month or so…..you see, he was pursuing a pretty girl.  I am not even sure he meant to be mean on purpose, but I think for the first time our friendship was cramping his style and he was trying to make some space.  I of course had to figure this out on my own, he couldn’t just tell me, because men are so oblivious to their own feeling or why they are doing the things they do.  Long story short though, the new girl didn’t work out and now he is being sweet to me again.  I have made a mental note that the next time he gets all Mr. Grumpy Pants on me I will just tell him he obviously needs space and leave him be for a while.  I will not take it personally and feel hurt.  Besides, I want him to have a girlfriend because he really does deserve someone.  I know it will leave me out in the cold but I can handle it if I know he is happy.  (and hopefully she will be cool and be my friend too.)

I am thrilled to be in such a good mood today because I am being productive and feeling so positive about life.  This is the way it is supposed to be; this is how I wish most days were.

But, at the same time I realize that the reason for me feeling so positive is coming from something external, something I have no control over.  I am happy because of how other people are behaving.

I need to learn to be happy on my own without these other people dictating my mood.  I know I am vulnerable as long as I let outside forces have control over my thoughts and feelings.  I absolutely need to be this happy despite other people and I just can’t figure out how to do that.

I had a therapist many years ago tell me that meditation was the answer.  She may be right because I never did a very good job at learning to meditate so I never actually tried out her solution.

Does anyone know how I can learn to be happy even when life is shitting on me?