Emotional Manipulation

Beanie's father sent me this email:

"I’m so proud of her! J

I’m so thankful that she seems to be surviving all this alright.  Lately she has been better at communicating her apprehensions and sadness…..which, I guess, is a good thing….even if its hard to hear."

The first comment is about her report card....I am proud too, she is doing GREAT in school.  The second comment threw me into a panic.

I responded to his message wanting more details and this is what he said:

"When she talks about how the divorce makes her sad and upsets her." 

 

She NEVER acts sad or upset when she is here.  She never even brings up the divorce.  She seems like a normal, happy 7 year old.  Even Lauren (JDK's best friend and Beanies "aunt") said she was doing remarkably fine and not having issues.  So what the hell is he talking about?

 

I begged him for details of what she said and he back peddled saying she was fine and doing well, etc.

 

Seriously I was physically ill thinking he is fucking with her emotions!

 

Naturally, I assume, that he is some how provoking these conversations.  I mean he always tried to manipulate me and our conversations.  He is an emotionally manipulative asshole!

 

I told him to stop manipulating her!  Which of course really pissed him off.  Because you know, he is the victim in all this and I am the outrageous and unreasonable one and he is just trying to please everyone....etc. etc.

 

So he went off on me....we had a nice email fight.

 

Thursday night I have Beanie and Friday was a day off school, so contrary to how I normally operate I brought up the divorce and asked her to discuss it.  I felt I owed it to her to investigate what the hell he was up to. 

 

She acted apprehensive at first but she told me that Daddy often tells her how sad he is and how much he misses me and how much he wishes we never got divorced.  She said he tells her all the time about how all he did to the house was for me, to make me happy.  Basically, as best I can tell, he is painting this picture for her of how he was "devoted" to me, loved me and tried to please me yet I left him and now he is crushed. 

 

I told her, in my best "explaining to a child lingo" that I loved Daddy too but our relationship was always hard for me because he was not a good friend to me....that things were not fair.  That he hurt my feelings and made me sad. 

 

She asked me why I didn't sleep with him.  I didn't understand at first, so she explained that before I moved out of the house I lived in the basement and that it made daddy sad.   I told her that he asked me to move downstairs and that it wasn't against his will.  She paused and said "do you think daddy would lie to me?".  I told her yes.  She paused for a moment and said she agreed. 

 

I really do think she is trying to judge who is being real and who is lying.  

 

I HATE that he started this.  I hate that she has to think about this stuff.  I wish he would just let it go.

 

Friday night she went back to his house.  They obviously talked some more because he sent me shitty text massages about how I make him sick!

 

I told him that I only spoke the truth to her and that he started the dialog.  I told him I DO NOT WANT HER IN THE MIDDLE!!  I told him to never speak of me to her.  He said "I only speak good of you which is obviously not what you do of me!" 

 

I hate how he turns it all into me being the bad guy!

 

Why in the hell can he do this to her?   What is wrong with people?   Why play mind games with a 7 year old?!?!?!?

 

Seriously if he doesn't knock it off I will just try to limit his exposure to her....I will try to keep her away from him.

 

I am emotionally sick...this is NOT what I wanted her life to be like.  

 

I know he is reacting to me moving in with Kevin by starting all this.

 

Why are people so shitty?

 

What should I do?

 

 

 

Sadly Another Chump is Born!

First some background:

I work part time at a Nursery (plants not kids) and we are effectively closed for winter.  I check in once a week or so to balance the bank accounts, open the mail and make sure bills are getting paid. 

My boss is the owner.  His name is Jacob.  He is married to Jenny and they have 3 kids.  The oldest is about the same age as Beanie.  His wife is a lovely blond who works full time at the University.  She pays the bills and carries the insurance since the Nursery has not turned out to be profitable yet. 

When the Nursery shut down last December, my barn is the only one with heat so Jacob and Sarah both moved in with me.  Sarah is our landscape designer.  She is the only salaried full time employee.  She is second in command if you will.   The Nursery pays for her cell phone and she drives a company truck since she can't afford her own vehicle.

Sarah is an interesting character who I was quit fond of from the start.  She is a dark haired beauty with a checkered past.  She is in the mist of a nasty divorce from a guy that ruined her credit and beat her up so she left him.  They have a 2 year old daughter. Sarah told me that customers routinely feel so comfortable around her that they tell her personal things they normally wouldn't share.  I too was guilty of this.  I considered her a friend.

One day in December it snowed a little but I went in to work anyway.  I always go in on Monday mornings, especially if there is payroll to do.  When I arrived, Jacob and Sarah were at my desk working on the "good" computer which is not weird.  What was weird was how "rattled" they appeared when I showed up.  I felt like I was interrupting and Jacob made some crack about how I was just nuts for getting out to drive in the snow.

It wasn't long after that that Jacob bought a good space heater for his barn and he and Sarah kind of disappeared.  I didn't see them much.  At one time I even asked why they moved out and he said something odd about my barn can't be party central or something.  I actually assumed he wasn't getting work done with her there so he moved to his barn and she wasn't around much.    He was still winding up inventory for year end and doing some final billing and planning orders for spring and the snow removal business.

Then I would see signs that her 2 year old was there; like toys and sippy cups so I knew she was around at least some of the time.  I got the impression she would only come in when I wasn't there.  One day my scissors were missing and he pulled them out of a drawer saying they must have hid them from the toddler.

I also found empty beer bottles and cans from time to time.  Also, Jacob had started stocking some food in office.  Like cans of soup and chips.  Once I even found a empty wine bag!

At some point my barn door wasn't locking securely thanks to the cold so Jacob installed a dead bolt.  It was a good idea but he never gave me a key so now I was basically locked out if he didn't let me in.

Last week I noticed a sleeping bag in Jacob's office.  I assumed it was for the toddler to sleep on.  Then again maybe it was so Jacob and Sarah could have sex in his office and not have to lie on the dirty floor!!  I just had a bad feeling.  I even considered telling Jenny to keep her eyes open but decided to butt out.

Today I was at home reading Facebook on my computer when my phone lit up with a text message from Jenny.  "How long has Jacob been having an affair with Sarah?"  My stomach dropped.  I instinctively felt I had to reach out to her so I quickly called her.  She was at work so didn't want to talk.  She told me she found out because Sarah's STBX had been threatening Jacob via email or something like that.  Jenny said she was filing for divorce.  I told her I felt bad for her and was here if she needs an ear.  I suggested she read chumplady!

I actually cried.  I didn't want it to be true.  I didn't want him to be that shitty.  I didn't want them to all to start down that road that I know and understand intimately.  I wanted them to be a happy family. 

I don't want to take sides especially since he is my boss but really I am on her side.  Her life just exploded.

AND....what the hell is he going to do for money?  The nursery is broke and Sarah is paid by the nursery.

.

HOW TO TOTALLY FUCK UP TUESDAY MORNING

I was getting ready for work…..thinking about the fact that I would be meeting and training the new girl. I showered so I would smell good and made sure to brush my teeth and gargle. While I was getting ready Friss called and I tried to talk to him at the same time.

I left the house forgetting to bring my lunch…..too much on my mind.

When I pulled up to the attorney’s office I was still on the phone with the boy, why not talk as long as I could? I saw Emily, the attorney’s assistant, walk into the office, a large Starbucks drink in her hand.

Soon Husband pulled up, parked and marched into the building, very purposefully ignoring me. I signed off with the boy and shoved my glasses into my pocket and followed behind him up to the office suite.

At the top of the stairs, Emily was on the phone so we stood in awkward silence waiting. He would not make eye contact or speak to me. He was trying to push my buttons but I am pretty much immune at this point.

She got off the call and I told her we were there to sign the forms. She produced them and I signed on the line while Husband wrote me a check for $115,000…………my equity in the house.

I took the check and thought to myself how simple this tiny piece of paper seemed given its value. I carefully folded it in half and then half again and placed it in my jacket pocket.

Emily made a copy of the quit claim deed and we headed for the door. Still no talking….no he was mad at me because he saw Kevin leaving my house Sunday afternoon when he was about to drop off our daughter.

Back in the car I checked my phone and texted Julia back. I started to drive to work and thought to call Husband’s mom regarding some future plans that he was somewhat elusive (as normal) about.

Grandma and I had a nice chat and then I decided to stop at McDonalds for a coffee and a pee on the way to work. Have I told you how the nursery has only an outhouse for a restroom which is currently at the bottom of a hill and surrounded by mud thanks to days and days of rain?

When I got to McDonalds I shoved a few dollars in my pocket and headed for the restroom. Then I went to the counter and ordered a coffee and paid with cash. I proceeded to the car where I called Kevin to update him on how it was all going. I was feeling accomplished for finally settling this last matter with the X. I was not even feeling bad about the fact I would be about 5 minutes late to work.

Then I decided to put the BIG check in safe place since I didn’t have time to go to the bank. I reached in my pocket to find NOTHING THERE!!!! The check was not in my pocket!!!! I checked the other pocket, maybe I was just on the wrong side, but, NO FUCKING CHECK!!

Slow down, calm down, it must be here. I felt the pockets again, nothing. Wait, try again it has to be there…..NO THE POCKETS ARE EMPTY!!! Then I checked in the pocket of the door where I had put my driver’s license after I left the attorney’s office. No, no check there.

Maybe I shoved it in my purse with the left over cash from my coffee. I’m now rooting in the bag as I near work. Still nothing. Panic is setting in so I pull over. Surely it fell off my lap onto the floor or is under my seat. Stupid car loves to eat important shit to taunt me. (Remember the missing key?)

Still nothing and the panic is increasing. Dig some more it has to be here. How could I lose $115,000? HOW COULD I LOSE A CHECK FOR $115,000?!?!?!?!

Maybe it fell out at McDonald’s????

 I drive to work because I know I am late and the new girl, Pam, is probably waiting on me. I park in the mud and start trudging to my barn and see Jacob my boss. One look at me and he says “do you need to NOT be here today?” I tell him I lost a check for $115,000 and I am not even joking; that I need to go back to McDonalds and see if it is there. He tells me to go, cause he is so awesome like that. I leave as I fight back the tears and start beating myself up for being so fucking stupid.

Self-talk at this point is a new all-time low!!!

I start to think that I need to call the X and have him do a stop pay….I need to tell him what is going on. I am crying and upset and in a panic so I phone him a bit prematurely in hindsight.

I sob to him on the phone “I lost the check, I FUCKING already lost the check. I stuck it in my pocket and then I had to pee so I got coffee and now it is gone! I am headed back to search for it.” He was not kind but he was not a jerk. He knew I was in panic so he was *contained*.

Back at the restaurant I searched the parking lot as the rain poured down on me. Nothing but an old napkin and a soggy receipt.

Maybe it was inside? I headed in searching the floor with lazar focus. I check the bathroom stall and still nothing. Then to the counter. “Did anyone turn in a lost check?” The clerk looked at me confused. I held up my hands to form a small rectangle and said “a personal bank check made out to me”….she said no and assumed I was crazy. I went back outside and looked around the parking lot some more. Still nothing. By now I am soaking wet and I don’t care at all.

I call the Husband back and sob that it is really gone. I tell him if he has the check number he must do a stop pay ASAP. He says to calm down and that it will show up and I tell him NO you must do a stop pay…I will pay for it. Call the bank. He then, unbeknownst to me, he leaves to go the bank.

I drive back to the office just balling my eyes out and in total disbelief that I could be so fucking stupid. I pull back in the nursery and think to call Husband again and beg for a new check today. The sooner I get another check the sooner we can all forget that this happened. Back on the phone he says “no, I don’t have time, maybe tomorrow or the next day.” SO I FREAK OUT cause I want to fix this so bad and make the problem disappear. I need a new check today. He says to call him later. I sign off just as the phone rings.

EMILY

My phone shows that Emily is calling. That is the attorneys’ assistant.

I answer, still sobbing, and she indicates that they found the check and I sob with gratitude and relief. I quickly call husband and tell him I found the check. He grumbles that he will turn his car around and go back to work…like he is so put out by me and I am such a pain in his ass. I actively try to not let his attitude affect me and I head into the office to train that new girl!

NO TIME

Last Monday I went to court and got it done.  I did feel relieved that it was all behind me.  I had a little mini meltdown before going in the court house (it's a trigger for me) but I got past it.  I didn't talk to Husband (that still feels like his name) all week.  I felt good last week....really good.  I even signed up for another half marathon (Kevin nagged me into it).  I was thinking this morning that I have signed up for 3 half marathons and one triathlon since the decision to divorce and I have not competed in a single one........or even started for that matter!  This time I will get to the starting line and be somewhat ready to run.

My attorney only charged me $1000 for the whole thing!!! She is AWESOME!

Last Wednesday I worked a 13 hour day; 8 hours at the new job and then I went over to old job at 5:30 to train my assistant on how to do the account reconciliations. I was there for 5 hours. Then on Sunday I worked another 5 hours with her. Oh and the previous weekend I was in there with her for a few hours too. It really hasn't all worked out like I thought it would and I am frustrated. The deal was he keeps me on insurance for 2 months and I do month end close for him. There was no deal about training someone which makes it take WAYYYYY longer. Also, the requirements for closing have tightened due to the companies precarious situation with the bonding company and the bank so close MUST BE more detailed and perfect than I had been doing it mid quarter. And the final kicker is that everyone there is mad at me so I am not wanted there during business hours. My former assistant said "i wouldn't show your face around here when other are here". Really? I am too fucking nice. They should be grateful, but I also understand that they are upset that they will most likely be with out a job soon and it is easy to take that frustration out on me since I am not there. I am still thrilled that I am not dealing with their BS on a daily basis BUT....the fact that they do manage to still stink up my life is a bummer. Hopefully I am done now and that chapter is closed however there is talk of extending the deal one more month since the assistant is really not able to do it on her own yet.

In the last two days I have had two people contact me about hiring me. Both are good opportunities with better pay than the nursery. I need to think fast and hard about my next move. I love that I have such flexibility right now and I feel I am really helping out some nice people. On the other hand my income is about $500 shy per month of meeting my expenses so it is not a sustainable situation. It was a temporary move to save me from the sinking ship at the old job. Thinking.....

I have been thinking of a million things I want to blog about each day but sadly I don't have time. SUCKS!!!  (But know I still read your blogs.)  I am just really busy. Beanie has homework and swim lessons and then there is still my accounting duties for the multisport club. I want to spend time with Kevin and get some runs and rides in. There really are not enough hours in the day. And holy cow did this summer fly by way too fast or what!?!?

I am still having moments where I feel guilty about getting divorced or try to think of what I should have done differently in my marriage. I realize that I am wasting time with the "should of" game. At times I make myself just crazy thinking about it. If I had been more assertive from the start maybe he would have had more respect for me? If I had threatened to leave him sooner would he have tried harder to change? How can he stand to spend so much time with his new GF when he couldn't stand to spend time with me and told me repeatedly, over the years, that he is a loner and people drain him and he should have been a bachelor farmer because he loves to be by himself. I know....nothing new there.

I do eventually stop myself by thinking about his character or even recent outright lies he has told me...... or how he has to ejaculate every day. I mean new girlfriend doesn't understand that his interest in sex with her is based on his need to ejaculate not his desire for her. If she is not around, porn is just as good.  I still wonder if he is really capable of real intimacy.  I am betting he is not.

Then, yesterday I had to tell my boss's wife that I am twice divorced.  I felt like a total loser.  I know she was judging.  I should have flat out told her I was in an abusive situation and I am proud and happy to say I got out.   Then again she would have judged me for getting into that "abusive" situation too.  Then I start looking at my life and I see how bad I look.  4 kids, 3 fathers, 2 husbands, teen pregnancy...I sound like an idiot.  Then I just start wishing I had somehow figured my issues out sooner and had a better more acceptable life.  Picked better mates and all.  Then I think about how proud I am now that I am making progress.  Then I realize that I can't change the past and "haters are gunna hate" and I should quit worrying so much about what other think.  (Also a legacy from my parents.) 

I should sign off now and go to work.

Kevin is still my hero and the kids are all healthy.  Really life is good and I am happy.

 

The Final Act

Around noon today Husband brought my Beanie to me. I invited him in because I wanted to talk about how his mom is. She evidently has not been feeling well (could be serious) and at her age it is concerning. He had spent the weekend at their house since I was busy with my MS charity bike ride.

We had a nice chat as I finished up cooking my green beans for lunches. Then he wanted a hug. He seemed sad so I walked him out to the car where he wanted more hugs and at one point he (maybe faked, I did not see tears) cried a bit. I know this was the big show before the divorce which is set to go down tomorrow afternoon. I did get sucked in a little..felt my eyes getting moist...but as soon as he left I reminded myself that it was all an act and I can tell when a person is being "real".

Later Beanie told me they had spent the night a Joslyn's last night, not his parents. I actually expected that.

Anyway, tomorrow is the big day.  Wish me luck!!

Motives

Husband has been really sweet and kind...even reaching out to me. I have cried more than once because it is rather cruel at this point to finally start acting like he cares.

This morning we talked on the phone for a while. To make a long story short (I have a court date on Monday to finalize our divorce) I ,in a round about way (cause it is impossible for us to really talk), offered to postpone this court date and he then got "overwhelmed" and then needed to go quickly. I hung up and it all became clear to me. He has been giving and kind because he knows that his obligation is about over. It is easy to say the right thing and be that "nice" guy when you are putting it on for show and you know it is temporary.

I suspect that if I dumped Kevin and postponed the divorce his "I am so in love with you and this breaks my heart" message would suddenly be very different.

All the whining and crying about how he doesn't want the divorce and he still loves me are all just for show. He really does want the divorce (he could stop me if he was sincere) but he wants it to appear that he went down kicking and screaming.  He wants to be the victim.  He wants to make this all my fault.

I believe that as I have shown more and more resolve that it was over he felt more comfortable playing the victim in all this. If he wants the divorce yet I am the one that actually makes it happen he can profess for the rest of his life it was not what he wanted yet still get what he really wanted. He is doing it all for show and so that in the long run he won't look like the bad guy.

The reality is that he married a women he did not love and respect. He used her and took advantage of her as long as she would tolerate it. When she finally realized she needed to save herself and left the marriage and he felt confident she would go through with it, then, AND ONLY THEN, did he start acting like he was hurt and she was breaking his heart. He did this to make her feel guilty and to make himself feel vindicated of all wrong doing.

No he didn't use me and disrespect me for years.  No, I cheated on him and left him for another man and divorced him against his protesting and broke his heart. Poor sausage, I was so awful to him. I am a mean selfish person pushing my selfish agenda on him and tearing apart his little family he loved so much.  Boo-hoo.

I swear he can make ANY situation into a "poor me" story. Manipulative fucktard.

Clarity

Yesterday I woke up at 5 am and tried to get a bunch of things done. I became very frustrated when everything I tried to do didn't work out. I talked to Kevin on the phone and he soothed me and was very kind and supportive.

Then, while I was delivering the Bean to school, he stopped by and fixed her clock for me. I didn't ask him to do this, he just did it on his way to work because he knew it was one of the things that I was stressing over.

Next, when my first attempt to get Ramone's new car inspected failed, he fixed me up with a friend and got me in right away. Car was passed but I was advised it needed new tires and wiper blades. I am sure the other auto shop would have failed it and tried to sell me on the fixes.

After the inspection I told him I needed to buy tires so he made some phone calls and hooked me up with a super deal. After work he also took me to Walmart to purchase wiper blades.

I thanked him a lot and declared him my hero once again. He told me he was just being a good person, doing the right thing and it was not a big deal. He said I would do the same for him.  (I would.)

It feels so nice to have someone take care of me and help me in life.  I really have spent my whole life helping others and this is such a refreshing change.

Later I e-mailed my attorney and asked for the next available court date.

I really do count my blessings every day and feel grateful to have such a wonderful, kind caring man in my life. There has always been a shortage of such men for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning I was talking with Friss and he was asking my WHY I finally found it in myself to leave my husband after years of being neglected, disrespected and taken for granted.

I thought for a moment and told him the first three things I could think of:
1) after Pop died I finally realized that I wasn't just raised with some lingering issues I was raised in an abusive situation that has left me with many mental scars. I am more aware than I used to be of the lifelong issues of self esteem that I need to address.  I guess I am understanding myself more than I used to.
2) Talking to Kevin on a regular bases helped me to realize that my thought processes where often off base.....that I was too accepting of mistreatment and too quick to doubt my gut instincts.  In a way he has been my therapist and is around all day every day to assist when I might need advise.   I am sure a "real" once a week therapist could not be as effective if for no other reason, time constraints.
3) Reading Chumplady every day really has helped me to find my MIGHTY and feel better about being strong instead of being a chump. I know that sounds odd but her delivery method of self esteem/ self help works for me. It is like group therapy that I can participate it at any moment I need it. I find myself going to her blog after I talk to my STBX just so I can regroup and feel "level" again.

In the final analysis I know I haven't always proceeded in the most eloquent fashion in the past year, but I have managed to make some much needed changes for the better in my life.

I finally feel like I am headed in the right direction after almost 14 years of searching for some answers to why my life exploded and I could not find the ground again.  I think I am finally starting to figure out some of the answers.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this blog entry from the new home computer.  It has been a pain in my ass but the keyboard ROCKS!

Viscous Cycle

This week Husband and I have been fighting a lot. We exchanged a lot of emails during the day (at work) and he was angry, bitter and snapping at me as I tried to have rational discussions.

He was rewriting history which really hacks me off. Like now he says I never tried to understand him and I was so self-centered….this to the co-dependent. That he wanted to talk but I was too busy talking about myself to listen. He is out of his mind! I would have flown to the mood to hear him talk.

I asked him what the house appraised for and he said $305. I said “told ya”… and of course he took it as me being shitty when all I meant was “good my estimate was right”. (I know I am not always as tactful as I could be.) Then he told me how I took advantage of him on the house deal because I knew how much he wanted it. Whatever.

At one point today I told him that we were not being productive so we should end the conversation. I was actually doing a good job at not getting emotionally sucked in and I was trying to honor his ever pervasive wish that our conversations be positive ones. He said that he knew he was angry but maybe needed to just get it out. He said I wanted openness and honesty so he was laying it on me.

You know what? I respect that. I am glad he was letting it all hang out. I didn’t feel like he was *playing* a game or trying to manipulate me. I felt like he was just being a dick. I can handle dick. I can’t handle shifty shady man.

Today the subject of trust in the marriage came up. He said he knew I never did trust him.  And then it occurred to me that there is a very SIMPLE reason that I never did trust him…the real root of ALL our problems. So I sent him this email:

ME: “Ironically I didn’t trust you because we didn’t have these types of “frank” conversations when I lived with you. I always felt like the truth was off limits so the truth must be something I don’t want to hear. If it wasn’t BAD then why would it be off limits?”

HUSBAND: “I agree and understand. I wish I would have been ready to talk more then. I always had nothing but the best intentions and it hurt me that you never trusted me. Vicious cycle.”

Everything else in our marriage was a symptom of this one very real problem. We never communicated with each other. We never could have real, honest, open conversation about anything. If I tried to start such a conversation he deflected or ran away or just got mad and shut down. (because he didn't trust me!?) He would have none of it. If he did actually participate in a discussion it was an act, a subtle dance with words where he would say what he thought he should say or say what would net him some result he was after. It was never just a real person with real feeling spilling their guts.

He says he was afraid of me getting too emotional and that is why he acted that way.   The crazy shit is, I was mostly just upset because he wouldn’t really talk to me. It WAS a viscous cycle.

Jealous

I am well aware that I am jealous that Roslyn is getting the attention of my husband that I never got. To top it off I am actually directing his efforts by telling him all the things I needed or wanted in our marriage which he then takes that information and uses it to better his relationship with her. He told me he can always catch a women he just doesn’t know how to keep one, which is his new mission in life….to learn to keep one. Just like decorating the house for him, at times I feel like the biggest sucker for helping him impress the new girl. The other day we were fighting about this so this is how I explained:

“You just don’t seem to understand……….. it is like I am a dog sitting at the door for 7 years hoping you will feed me. I try so hard to win you over but you only give me scraps once in a while. (Presumably because I look pathetic.) Then I finally decide that I am about to starve to death so I give up and leave.
The next day another dog comes up and you invite “her” in for a steak and pet her and love her all day long. That is how it feels to me. I feel like I tried and tried and don’t get anything but heart ache for my efforts. Meanwhile she wonders up and you embrace her and offer her all the things you “couldn’t” offer me. This is how it feels to me.”

On a deeper level this all goes back to my parents not loving me so I have some deep-seated issues about not being lovable. Husband fed those fears the whole time we were married and continues to push those emotional buttons inside me.

Last night I called my MIL and chatted with her for a while. It was the first time I have talked her since last December. She was genuinely glad to hear my voice and we had a very nice talk. I know she cares about me and I know she worries about Husband and his ability to get along with people in life. She also told me that she is medicated so my FIL doesn’t dive her completely crazy. Knowing the FIL as well as I do I don’t blame her one bit for needing a little help to cope. I was pretty sure that my husband was going to end up just like his father which was another factor I considered before deciding to leave him.

Husband and I have been talking more lately. We have been emailing more too. It is good and needs to happen so we can become better partners in life, be it married or not. I think we may be running out of steam to fight about the past which is good. There was a lot of built up negativity that just needed to get out and be aired. As always I wish we could have done this many years ago but he wasn’t willing. Better late than never I suppose.

He says he still wants to get back together. I asked him to write up something telling me how this new improved marriage would be different from our old one. I told him I need to understand what he wants and expects before I can even consider that we could get back together. In the past he would have agreed to write something up but then he never would have done it. I think he might actually follow through this time. We will see.

Today I am feeling calm and level headed and not particularly “confused”. I am mindful of the fact that my time away from him has made me mellow and forget how VERY difficult he can be to get along with. Talking with his mother also reminded me of how much he is like his father which is just not the person I want to grow old with.

At this point I don’t think it can hurt to work on building a better relationship with Husband because we will need it no matter what. (We are raising a child together for the next 12 years at least.) If at some point down the road I feel he really has changed and I really do want to give it another go I just might do it. But for now I am adapting a wait and see attitude.  I think I was just putting too much pressure on myself to do SOMETHING and really there is not reason to be in a hurry.

CHOICE

I apologize in advance for just going on and on about the same old shit over and over again.  But I feel stuck.  I mean I will feel fine for a few days that I am headed in the right direction and then all of a sudden I feel consumed by doubt and wonder.  I get that anxious feeling in my stomach like when you lose your wallet with all your credit cards in it.

Today I was wresting with my thoughts and it hit me why this is so hard.  I am not trying to decide if I should go back to my old life or my old husband.  I know I don't want to do that.  But Husband has promised he has changed.  He swears things will be better.  He is exercising less and trying harder to be a giving person and spend time with the people he loves.  He is trying to live in the moment and not focus on the past or the future.  He is trying to be more open and honest.  (Although he hasn't told his girlfriend he is still married).  I am basically being asked to pick an unknown.   He wants me to go back to "better" .....but what is better?   I have no idea how he would treat me or what it would be like. 

I asked him to write down what he wants our "new" marriage to be like.  I told him we both want to be happy and want a better marriage but what does that actually mean?  Maybe our idea of what better means is totally different?

AND I am starting to feel guilty that I am now not being fair to Kevin.  That sucks.  I mean I have always strived to be open and honest with him but if he knew about these conversations with Husband he would be so hurt and upset.  It is so simple to him.  To him the man never wanted to be my husband, never respected me as his wife and I should be happy to be done with it.

Oh i wish it was that simple.  Maybe it is?

I am standing here trying to decide if I should dump a GREAT MAN for a chance to save a marriage that i already invested 7 + years in and have always longed to have.  SO FRUSTRATING!!

George, Thinking, Interview

I have a job interview in 1 1/2 hours.  I was dumb to set one up on a Monday.  Mondays suck.   After a whole two days with no work to distract me I tend to have my mind in a mess of some sort.

I went to see George last Thursday and unlike Chump Lady who would adamantly tell me to keep going and never look back, he thinks that I should give Husband another chance.  That if his issue was that he didn't pick me and that is why he was never a good husband but now he does want to pick me, even over another woman, then George thinks he may be a whole new husband.  That he will finally be with me because it is what he wants not what he feels forced to do.  George thinks that my husband very well could have been "not himself" for the past 8 years and would be a whole new person should I give him a chance to prove it.

For the most part I cry BS to all that.  BUT, I know that on the rare occasion something like this can cause an epiphany and actually make big changes in how someone thinks.  Heck I will never forget the day I realized that I was better off without Friss' dad around.  It was like a door had opened and let me out of a closet.  There was no going back.  From that moment on everything changed so I know it can happen.  Maybe he will be different?  Maybe we could be happy and be a real family?  Unlike Chump Lady I do believe some marriages do survive affairs and go on to be just fine.  I know that the shred of doubt in my head is driving me crazy.

I realized this last weekend that one of the reasons I did stick around for so long is that I always felt there was a good man in there somewhere.  Someone who could be a good husband and partner in life.  I always thought he had the potential.  I really never thought he was a total POS or I would have left a long time ago.  Now maybe I was fantasizing or maybe there was something to that.  Maybe all along I knew that if he really wanted to be a good husband he could do it but I just gave up that he would ever WANT to?

Last night I woke up around 3 am and the first thing that entered my mind was a very old and familiar feeling.  I awoke feeling angry and resentful towards my spouse at the far side of the bed......and then I remembered he wasn't there and I didn't have to feel that way anymore.  Then I thought about how much our lives could be different if we were not so busy dealing with hurt and animosity.

Papers

We signed the papers.
I feel sick.
This sucks.
I called George.
I guess I can spare $50.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
before we went into the attorneys office my husband looked me straight in the eyes and said "are you sure you and Beanie wouldn't rather just come home?"   That hurt SO MUCH!

He has been so much better to me lately.  He has been more open and honest.  He has answered the phone.  He has shared things he never did before.  It is so hard on me that he is finally letting me "in" and it is really too late.

We were up late last night talking and arguing on the phone.  Then I woke up at 1 am and couldn't sleep.  I finally called him and he talked to me for another 1.5 hours.  That is a world record for him.

I truly believe he would take me back and do his best.  But I am also realistic.  The chances of us fixing all this are miniscule.  Too many bad things have transpired.  I don't think we could ever really trust each other....at least not in the foreseeable future.  He would still be selfish and struggle to think of our needs not just his.  He would still be secretive with his life....I don't think he could stop.  It is easy for him to say what I want to hear but he has never been good at the follow through.

It's all so sad.

The End

I plan to sit down with the husband sometime in the next few days and finally end this relationship for good, in a grown up mature fashion where I will kindly tell him that our marriage is over and I don’t want him to hold out hope anymore and that I hope we can raise our daughter with cooperation and kindness to each other.

Tuition is due and he is in the middle of refinancing the house right now so my instinct is to stay away because I know he will be cranky….spending money always makes him cranky. BUT I think the honest and kind thing to do is to be straight forward and tell him I can’t come back.

I haven’t really spoken to him since Monday and I feel good. I feel good about my life and what I am doing with it. I feel good about the people I am putting my time and energy in to. I feel healthy when he is not in the mix.

At the same time I am glad that I have been talking to him the past few weeks, although it did upset me so. The fact that I now understand why Husband was always so reluctant to treat me like a wife is huge. I like understanding. .... I like to know what was wrong. I like to think life makes sense and I can learn and grow from my mistakes. Knowledge is power. I know I will never let this happen again because I will never stick around when I feel I am not wanted.

It is a shame that he could not manage to move past the “awful” beginning of our relationship and value me as a person in his life. It is too bad that by the time he realized he might not have such a raw deal after all it was too late.

I guess I should have known all along what was wrong. I mean he made it quite clear in the beginning that it was not what he wanted. But then he stuck around, he married me; I just didn’t think he would do those things if he was still angry that I “trapped” him and he didn’t really want to be with me. I guess I was wrong.

Imagine what might have happened if he had managed to lay that anger and resentment down years ago? What a different course this would have all taken.  This is the take-away lesson!

I’m not mad anymore either. I am sad and feel sorry for him. I hope that he goes on to find happiness in his life and maybe a person that he can actually share his heart with. I still don’t know if he is really capable of letting someone in. I guess it is no longer my concern.

I’d still love to talk to George about all this. I wish I could afford it.

Heart Breaking

Friday I woke up with a new found clarity (see my last post) and Saturday I had a fantastic day with a fantastic man. We biked 44 miles together, longest bicycle ride of his life. (I am so proud of his progress in cycling!) Then we showered quickly and jumped on the motorcycle to meet some friends for lunch. Next we went to a big chicken wing party at the Harley store where the boys talked motorcycles while Sally and I had girl talk and wine. We then went home and baked cookies and fell asleep on the couch together.

Kevin IS my best friend and I am so happy to have him in my life. I have never been happier in a relationship. He is so kind, loving and giving. We are two peas in a pod. My love for him grows greater every single day and unless he is one hell of an actor I have found exactly what I need and want in a mate. I have no reservations about our future together; that is what I want.

I have decided that the last few weeks of me feeling so confused where mostly me adjusting to the idea that Husband has a steady girlfriend who sleeps in our bed, showers in our shower and is falling in love with my husband. I was also hurt at how quickly he replaced me. Seriously it was just eating me alive……if he wanted someone in his life so badly why couldn’t he have chosen me!?!?!  Basically I was still stewing on the past and a future I had once dreamed of.

Then I just put it down.  I really don’t care that he is dating.   I wish he and Roslyn the best. I just had to work through it I guess. So I was feeling better and thinking we could finally get those papers signed.

Then Sunday afternoon I get this text:
“I just had a painful realization today that you are really what I want in life. Hit me hard today. I want to be married to you.” I know my Husband and THIS is his heart finally giving way. The minute I read it I knew it was different. He was with Roslyn (I assumed) since I had our daughter and I suspected he was thinking of me and really not enjoying his time with her. He finally REALLY woke up! (BTDT)

This morning he showed up at school when I was dropping Beanie off. We walked her to her classroom and kissed her good-bye. Then he followed me to my car and awkwardly told me, with tears in his eyes that he spent the day Sunday with Roslyn and realized it was not where he wanted to be, that he really does love me and want me to be his wife. He then hugged me and was crying on my shoulder. I could feel him shaking. It was so sad. I felt so sorry for him but not IN love with him. This was the first time EVER I have truly believed he does love me. It is the first time ever I think he did too.

What a fucking mess!

I have been thinking about this all day………

I think he went and got a girlfriend as fast as he could as soon as he found out I had a boyfriend in his never ending desire to “win”. I think that as long as she was a secret from me he felt good to be pulling one over on me and he was kind of enjoying the game of it all. I do not think he was worried about our marriage at all. I think it was more about him feeling that I had no power over his feelings and that he would be just fine without me because he could replace me with ease.

Then when I found out about her and was crushed I think it surprised him.   I think he thought I was more detached than that. I think he thought HE was more detached than that.  The fact that she was in our marriage bed didn't help my reaction one bit and I know it made him feel like a piece of shit that I happen to show up at his house while she was sleeping in our bedroom and THAT is how I found out she even existed.

Suddenly the walls crashed down. I had my mini breakdown but now feel I have recovered because I have been detaching for some time now and I have Kevin. BUT poor Husband has finally put down his anger of all these years: his determination to not let me win, to not give in to my pregnancy or the fact that he didn’t choose me and now he has finally realized he does love me and at the same moment realized it is too late. Now the girlfriend is no fun and for the first time the end of our marriage is a reality for to him.

I feel so bad for him.

I want to get the papers signed before I lose my job but I don’t want to be mean and bring it up again right now. I have no idea what to do next. I even called George to make an appointment but then thought better of it and hung up. I kind of need that $50 right now.

Chump No More

Yesterday I didn’t talk to the STBX at all. That is good.

Last night I was tired but I felt calm and like my head was on straight. Not talking to him is very good for me. I know this.

Divorce is hard and sad and I would not be human if I didn’t have feeling for him. But I need to keep my perspective straight here and not let him confuse me. I always feel BETTER when he is not around!

Still, I keep thinking about everything.
I keep searching for the place that my mind will land and feel that things are right. I have to find my own peace in my mind and heart.
It is really easy to go back in my memory bank and find a memory that makes me realize what a total dick my husband is; TOO EASY. Yet I think that is what I must do right now. Instead of thinking OMG maybe he has changed and I can finally have my chance at a REAL marriage with him. Instead of fantasizing about what might be or could be I need to keep in mind ALL the real things he has done in the last 8 years.

Yes, there were some good times. There were even some great times. BUT there were many, many crappy times too. Shitty things he did that really, no matter what his excuse is now, are not anything anyone should EVER do to another person, especially one they claim to love.

Here are some of my thoughts from today that help give me clarity:

It was late December when we first talked about getting divorced. His very first reaction was to pull his ring off and throw it down and declare “fine, I will start dating”. Now I ask you, is this what a spouse that is truly in love with you would respond with? No I think not.

Then he kicked me out of the bedroom (which was fine with me). During the next few months I was living in the basement, not once did he ever come to my room and want to talk, or beg for a hug or anything. I am POSITIVE if my sig other that I supposedly loved was leaving me and was still in the house where I could go and talk to them. I would have eventually at some point ventured in there and made a scene...out of desperation and heart ache.  You know what I mean.

Then after I found a place to move, I started packing. There were a few of my decorative items on the walls and throughout the house that I wanted to keep so I packed them. (Most of it was his because he always wanted things to be HIS way.) I then did some rearranging to fill the gaps, which of course didn’t suit him so he went to the store and purchased a bunch of new things to decorate with. I took one look at some of the items he had picked and where he put then and thought YUCK! I then, feeling that the poor guy just needed some help, (I was an art major at one time) offered to help him decorate. He enthusiastically accepted. I then did some more shopping and rearranging and it turned out really nice. I was impressed at how good the house looked. He paid for all that I bought and returned much of what he purchased. Heck he even fussed over me leaving the curtains in the basement.

Now this is all my long explanation to state that he was overly concerned with the house looking good which I found weird. I mean we never had company and who cares about the basement, etc.  And in my mind a grieving spouse would not be in high decoration mode. No no, they would be in bed crying or at least so depressed that they didn’t feel up to decorating yet. 

Anyhow, once he confessed to his 3 months of dating Roslyn I started thinking back and I remember about the time they started dating because he didn’t come home one night and he also did some other hanky things. I connected the dots after I found out about her.

The point of the story is this..... I helped him decorate the house so the new GF (that he was already dating at the time) would be impressed with his décor and so the minute I left, she could be invited over.

During the first month they were dating (March & April) husband told me he was too busy at work to talk and had lots of excuses to keep me away from him. I now realize this was so he could “date” her and not have me interrupt.

BUT NOW, I am all he wants and he wants to fix our marriage. And he has not offered to dump the GF or asked me to dump Kevin. No this is his offer word for word:

“It’s not something that I think that either of us is comfortable believing in or committing to yet. We need a little time. We need to spend some time together...to even determine if we even CAN both commit to getting back together. If either of us isn’t committed….it will fail for sure. If you want to try. Lets spend some time together and see if we can get to a starting point. And start again….. we would actually start from a loving place where we both really choose to be together.”
He considers this him begging for another chance!!

And the real kicker is this….when he and I first started dating back in June of 2006, he was already dating another women (who was married) and he cheated on both of us until after I was pregnant and caught them IN BED together and that is when the truth came out. So for about 11 months he happily dated both of us at the same time and kept it under wraps. All the while telling us both he loved us. Add to that the fact that since then he has told me repeatedly that he did NOT love me.

Point is, the man is a piece of shit and I should sign the fucking papers and never look back and just be happy that this chapter of my life is closed. I need to be glad that he gave me a beautiful daughter and fat bank account (I saved up money when he was helping with the bills).

I need to look at it as a learning experience because I have learned a lot. I will never put up with ANYONE ever being so shitty to me again. I have already put my foot down more with Kevin than I ever did with Husband and you know what, he respects me and loves me and cares how I feel and what I think.

Rant OVER!  :)

PS - the sun is finally out today and I know that is making everyone feel better.

Worst Run Of My Life

I have to say....I did not see this one coming!

Yesterday Husband and I left the paper signing up in the air.  He said "lets think about it over night and we can decide in the morning".  To which I agreed.

Last night I did my 25 mile bike ride with Meghan and Kevin and then slept fine.  This morning when I got up to go run I still had not made up my mind about the signing.  I just figured I could stew on it until the last minute as I knew Husband was dropping our daughter at school at 8 am and I had until then to decide.

While on my morning run I catch my running partner Meghan up on what is going on.  As I talked to her I was really short of breathe.  This has happened before and I didn't know why, but now I realize it is only when I talk about Husband and the divorce.

As the run progresses I struggle more and more.  I tell her I think I am actually having so much stress and anxiety lately that it is physically effecting me.  I mean last fall I was running about 6 miles at a 9 minute pace.  Today I struggled to keep it under 10!!

At some point she says "just sign the papers and move on....this is driving you crazy" and I think she is right, I just need to call him and sign the papers today and get it over with.  And then I stopped running.  I couldn't really move forward.  I didn't do it on purpose my body just stopped.  I regrouped and started again.  Thinking to myself I remembered how relieved I was when I finally moved out and then I thought surely once the papers are signed I will again be relived.  SO I then think again "YES I will sign them today" and I stop running.  Stand there and feel incapable of running.  My body is aching head to toe.  I can't breath and my legs are lead.  I'm gasping for air and I feel faint.  I lean over and hope I don't pass out.  I try to control my breathing but I can't.

We start running again but I am really holding her back so I tell her to go on and she does.  I have about 2 miles to go and now I am alone.  I keep thinking about the papers and I stuggle to run at all.  "I KNOW I need to sign them."  I stop again and bust out crying.

Why is this so hard!?!?!?!  WHY am I so week.  I am an emotional cripple.  I can't stand up for myself.  Husband has proven over and over again that he is a selfish liar.  I don't want him back yet I still feel like I am giving up.  Like I am a loser.  Like I should have tried harder.  Like if there is any chance I cant walk away from it.

Then I mull over the whole idea of actually working on our marriage and I KNOW that won't work so I need to sign the papers.  I just cry and cry.

I finally get back to the parking lot but I can't talk at all.  I feel like I am going to faint again.  I catch my breath and make it to my car.

This is so stupid!

Epiphany

For the last few weeks Husband has been talking to me.  He has been texting me and answering his phone when I call.  He has even called me just for the hell of it.  He has been emailing me a bunch.  I have to admit I like it.  I also find it confusing as I have stated in the last few posts about what is going on.

He is doing it because he hopes we will get back together.  But today it hit me, that is not my motive!!

I do like the idea of not being divorced.  I do like the thought of things working out between us and we are finally a happy married couple.  I also know that is NOT going to happen.  I have no doubt in my mind that we will get divorced sometime in the near future.  The fantasy is there but I know it is a fantasy.

Honestly, I don't want HIM...I really don't.  He is a liar and I would never feel safe with him.  I know this! 

I find myself wanting to stall the divorce though, not to reconcile, but just so he will keep talking to me.  It just hit me today that for 8 years he has shut me out and now, in the past few weeks he is actually talking to me.  Really talking to me.  Telling me all kinds of things about his feelings, our marriage, our past.  He is sharing himself with me for the first time in our relationship and I like it.  I have hungered for it....FOR YEARS.  I like hearing him say things that make sense to me and explain things that happened in the past. 

I feel like I am using him at this point.  I feel like I am betraying Kevin.  I want to stop but I feel so compelled to keep up the dialogue because it is so cathartic. 

Today he told me that he used to act "short" with me when I would return from home from a run on Sunday morning (years ago when I would rush home at 7 am in an attempt to not upset him) because he was jealous that I was out running and resented even watching our daughter for a few hours so I could exercise.  He told me he wasn't ready for fatherhood and really resented it for the longest time.  He held a grudge the whole time we were married feeling that I had forced him to be a parent when it wasn't what he wanted, so he was angry EVERY time he watched her!!

I knew this deep down but it was never discussed.  If I tried to discuss you know he was evasive or lied.  It is actually very selfish behavior and he should be ashamed.  On the other hand if you love someone you tell them things you are ashamed of.  Real relationship share the good, the bad and the ugly.  That is something he would never do.

I feel shitty but I think I may put off signing the papers for another week.  Just so he will keep talking to me a while longer.  Now that I have a better grasp on why I am doing it I don't think it will be so confusing.

Am I just being an asshole now?

Weekend

Saturday morning it was rainy outside so I didn’t go run. Instead Kevin and I went to visit Friss; which of course went well since they are my two favorite people IN THE WORLD!

Saturday afternoon the sun came out and it turned out to be rather pretty.

Saturday around 7 p.m. my soon to be ex Husband dropped off our daughter and handed me her wet shoes. He gave me a hug and a kiss (he aimed for lips but I was kind of dodgy) and said I love you quit sincerely. I have mixed feeling about him being so sweet. Then my daughter dissolved into tears as he pulled away from my house.

I gathered her up on my lap and held her as she sobbed. I asked her what was wrong and she said she wanted to stay with Daddy and Roslyn because they were having so much fun. She said they told her she could stay until I called and then I called and she cried right there by Roslyn. 

I comforted her and told her it was time for her to come home and that I didn’t mean to spoil her fun. She calmed down after a bit and then told me what she had done all day. They made necklaces together, Roslyn helped and Daddy gave her a special key to hang on hers. They hiked at the state park and even went downtown for ice cream. “Roslyn got peach mango, I got chocolate and Daddy got coffee of course.”

Hold up there.....“Daddy got ice cream?” I asked. She said “yes”! I thought to myself BUT he NEVER gets ice cream (anorexic)….GRRRR.

I asked her what Roslyn looks like and she told me she was wearing a dress and flip-flops, that her hair is red and curly and was in a braid, that she has a whole lot of really cute freckles. Husband told me she is a runner so I assume she has a cute little figure.

This was all rather crushing to me. First that she was crying, second that he was love bombing my kid with the new girlfriend there and finally because they were behaving like a happy little family….you know like my dream come true. Yes I felt jealous. All I really ever wanted was him to show me love and attention.

Beanie also told me that he dropped the GF off at the grocery store so he could drive her over to my house while GF picked up a few things and then he was going to go back and pick her up so they could go home and make dinner. (Evidently she stayed at his house….well my house….the whole weekend.)  (also....It stabbed me that she was in his car.  I never rode in his car.  We never went anywhere together except to visit his folks about 6 times a year.)

OK – I know…I have Kevin so STBXH can have someone too. I get that. But does he have to get the kid in the mix? Isn't this all a bit too much...too soon??? Really for the most part, I have kept Kevin away from Beanie or at least kept it low key on purpose. I don’t want to force him into my daughter’s life yet or my STBX Husbands face. 

Long story short the rest of the weekend was fighting, crying, arguing and a bunch of BS. I KNOW he was trying to push my buttons and it worked. I am still not fully emotionally detached like I would like to be.

I can’t help but feel something when I tell Husband it upsets me that he is spending the day like a happy little family and then he is quick to tell me that he would treat me right if I would just come back; that he is working to be a better person. That he wants to change if not for me then for the next woman. I know that it’s too late but it still jabs at me in the gut.

I left because he didn’t show me any love or attention, not because I had no feelings for him so this is still a bit hard for me.

It hurts that he is trying to give her what I wanted and he would not give me.  Him saying he would give it to me now really doesn't make me feel better it makes me feel worse.

Husband keeps telling me he wants what I want and that we need to try again….with a fresh start. I know it is TOO LATE and that makes me sad. I wish he could have wanted to change before it got so fucked up. I guess I should have threatened to leave before I found Kevin so Husband would wake up and change if he had it in him. But who knows, maybe he wouldn’t have believed me. Maybe he would have said fine let’s get divorced. It is always so hard to know what I SHOULD do.

Kevin has been sweet and supportive but this is hard on him too. The whole thing is a mess. This is why you shouldn’t overlap relationships.

BTW – divorce sucks!

Peace

Last night at a bit past 8 pm, Husband came over to talk about the papers.  There was a weird moment not too long after he arrived where he pulled out the papers, asked for a pen and acted like we were going have this super important business meeting.  Then, all of a sudden, he just set them down and said "I'll sign them".  And that was that.

Maybe he was giving up?  Maybe he had planned a big meeting and discussion and then decided he didn't have the energy for it?  Maybe it was some symbolic gesture he felt compelled to make?  It doesn't really matter.

Then we just sat there and talked until 10 pm when the time felt right and he left.  I don't remember a single thing we said but I know it was all good.  We exchange positive, loving feelings.  It was cathartic and we both needed it.  We held each other and it felt comforting. I think we have finally AGREED to start a new chapter in our lives.  It was like he finally decided I wasn't the enemy and he didn't have to "win".

We parted feeling satisfied if not happy.  We parted feeling a certain peace that this is where we both want to go next.  It was good and I am glad it happened.

Normal - Grateful

Easter Loot

A strange thing has happened in the last few weeks. I am overcome with a sense of normalcy. Like life is normal. I am calm, well adjusted….nothing feels crazy or messed up. I feel more at peace than I have in many years. I suspect that being away from the STBX with all his mixed messages and shady behavior is the primary reason for my change. Also, being in a kind and loving relationship has made me feel accepted and now I suspect that I may not be as messed up as I thought I was, maybe it was just situational. Living in a “fake” marriage is no doubt a huge stressor.

For some reason lately I read Chump Lady a lot. I read every single day, sometimes for hours on end reading all the comments. I am not sure why I am drawn to reading it all. Could it just be I am bored with my job and killing time? Or maybe it makes me feel less alone in the world to know that other people are going through tough times and the end of a marriage (or at least the end of a dream of what they wanted in their marriage).

I noticed the other day that I was even feeling a bit guilty. I had this odd feeling that I missed my husband, being married and I was a bad person for leaving. No doubt reading a cheaters forum obsessively was getting to me. Then I thought about it some more and realized that NOT talking to him and not living with him and not being around him at all has already made me forget how hard it was to be in a relationship with him. It is like the negative has floated away and the dream has filled the open space again. The good times keep whispering in my ear. I fully believe this is part of me just feeling normal and not feeling persecuted. I am not depressed or triggered so I am remembering the good times and feeling optimistic about life in general. I am reflecting on my marriage as if it were a normal *real* marriage; which it wasn’t.

I also think I have realized that I never trusted him (and he never trusted me) right from the start and no matter how long we were together we never got past that. Maybe it was totally ridiculous to ever think that over time we could learn to trust each other. Probably once trust is gone it is very rare that it would ever be regained. And we never had it to start with so *regain* is the wrong word. I don’t think husband was actively cheating on me after we were married, but the fact that he did for the first couple years of our relationship set the tone. He gave up the other women grudgingly (maybe it was her choice not his?) and never wanted to be married to me so he tried very hard to *feel* single. Which is just not going to make for a good healthy relationship now is it?

I gave STBX the divorce papers about a month ago and he baulked at reading them for weeks. He finally said he did look at them but then procrastinated about actually discussing any of it with me. He has pretty much been NC with me since I moved out which may be what is best for both of us at this point. Last week I did decide to force discussion about the divorce papers. I would like to get this over with sooner than later. We exchanged a few emails and I quickly became nervous and annoyed. He just has a way of being exacerbating. He throws in comments that are meant to sound nice…but sound contrived. He asks the same questions over and over again. He acts like he doesn’t understand things but I know he does. It is all passive aggressive BS that makes me crazy. I assume he is stalling for some reason he hasn’t told me. The shady evasive stuff makes me nuts and I really won’t feel safe until this divorce is DONE.

The biggest issue with the divorce is the possibility that one of us might move away. He wants to put it in the papers that we can’t move away from here until she is 18. I told him that I might very well lose my job soon and that I might have to move in order to find employment. He said it would break his heart to not see his daughter regularly. I understand that it is not ideal but we need to be realistic, we both need to have jobs and an income. I asked who would pay my bills if I can’t find a new job here in this small town with limited options. He has no good answer. Besides, I am sure in no time he will find a new lady friend (if he hasn’t already) and he will not be as worried about seeing his daughter as he is right now. At this point I think it is just a phase....it makes him look like a normal caring father. But, mark my words, he will get used to being single and feel stifled by her. It’s not like he ever really enjoyed spending time with her. When we lived together I always had to force him to spend time with her. Anyhow……..I refuse to let him control my financial future so we are at an impasse on that subject. Thankfully most of the other items in the divorce papers we have agreed upon.

***just re-read that last paragraph and realized the main reason he wants her is so he doesn't have to pay child support.  He is surely trying to be the attentive parent so he will look good on paper and thus avoid the cost of paying for her rather than giving her his time which will be easier to weasel out of later***

Speaking of employment woes it is getting pretty scary here. My company is having terrible cash flow issues. Right now I do not have the money to fund this week’s payroll. I am just praying that a check comes in tomorrow. Also, I just completed my first pass at last year’s financial statements and we lost about $1 million dollars. Not good. At the same time Kevin just found out that his company is getting sold to a big nationwide company in the next month or so. It is possible we will both be out of a job! We do have a plan which gives me some comfort. If either of us loses our jobs, I will sublet my super lovely little house and move in with him. His house payment is only $300 per month so it would be a LONG time before we would end up homeless at that rate. I am so very grateful to have Kevin in my life.

Lately I am very thankful that STBX values being in emotional control so much that he has not done anything stupid or dramatic. He is not showing up at my house to make a scene nor is he ranting at me in anger when no one is looking. (Or maybe he is just happy with me gone.) Chump Lady had a post about Nice vs. Kind  LINK HERE which sums him up perfectly. And actually being nice at this point isn’t ALL bad. He is nice but there is no substance behind it. He tells people what they want to hear but doesn’t mean anything he says. He will agree to do something but have no intention of ever doing it. It is not a trait that I like; someone who is all show and no substance, but many people think he is a nice guy. However, the only thing STBX really cares about it pleasing himself as much as possible by either eliminating other people who may make demands on him or figuring out how to get others to do his bidding thus making his life easier or better. In fact last Saturday he had a babysitter watch our daughter for a good chunk of the day and that is the only day she is with him. She comes back to me Saturday evening through Monday morning.

In the past week or two I have made small gestured towards the STBX in an attempt to be friendly; like send him pictures of our daughter via text. Probably partly out of guilt and partly just because I really am a nice person who wants to be kind to others and have them like me. AND because he did tell me about 100 times before I moved out that he very much wanted us to be friends. WELL...he has ignored all of my attempts to chat or be friendly, which I at first found baffling. I mean if he wants to be friends as he told me before, then why choose to ignore me when I do reach out to him? Then, if I really think about it I understand that he believes there is nothing for him to gain at this point so why bother. No doubt the only reason he ever wanted to speak to me before I moved out was because he hoped he could parley it into a sexual encounter or maybe win me over enough to give him a break on the house price or child support ….or leave the book shelves for him (which I did...so it worked!).

Even though I know he does NOT think like me at all I still struggle to get past assuming he will react in a way that makes sense to me. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to grasp that he does not function in a way that is meaningful to me.