Blogging

I wish I could blog more.  There is so much I would like to say, save, share, etc.

But some days I am just literally too busy.  Other days I am just way too upset to compose anything worth while and other days I am just too ashamed or embarrassed to admit to anyone what is going on in my mind.

The only person in the world that knows it all is Friss.  Talking to him daily has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  He challenges my ideas and points me in the right direction.  He has such a great outlook on life.  He is spiritually and emotionally grounded.  I am so lucky he is here for me.  Funny I never thought that after years of incarceration HE would be the only stable thing in my life.  I guess you just never know how things will turn out...do you?

Last week I looked into going to a therapist / counselor and discovered that it will cost $100 per visit.  I just can't afford that.  It is too bad because I think I have a much better handle on the root of my issues than ever before.   I am also disappointed that after years and years of therapy I don't think any of the 5 different therapist I saw ever really figured out the issue I was really dealing with; Toxic Shame.  I would think that maybe one of them might have been able to have some insight.

School starts on Monday so I should have more free time during the day so maybe I can blog more.  I am working hard to be more balanced and aware of myself and not have those days where life is just too crushing to even chain together reasonable sentences to create a blog entry.

A few weeks ago, when I was at my brothers house over night and I couldn't sleep, I went back and read a bunch of my blog posts.  They are all true but they don't really show the whole picture.  I sound more reasonable and logical than I really am.  The blog captures me being analytic but for the most part it falls short of expressing the emotional battles I am having.  So often I can understand things logically but then I can't get my feelings to agree with my brain. I will tell Friss "I understand and agree but that doesn't mean I can do it."

Yesterday I woke up and all I could think was "I want to go home!"  Meaning I just want the last 2 years of my life to disappear and go back to my husband and my family and the safety it provided.  Sure I didn't get the love I deserved from him but in so many other ways I did feel safe.  I felt I had a stable home for my daughter and I didn't fear that he was about to leave me or cheat on me.  He wasn't all that bad, he just fell short of the ideal situation.  Maybe I was too judgmental?  Maybe I was greedy?  I should have been counting my blessing instead of wishing for more.  I was stupid.  I should have never left a man I loved.

And over the past year his continued verbal claims that he still loves me just keeps me perpetually confused and emotionally balled up.  I just really don't know how to process it all.

His current message is that he still loves me and that he wants us to be in a better place.  He says he is not ready to get back together now but maybe....at some point in the future if we work hard to build up something we could.  I know that he is probably just stringing me along for some reason....but why?  I never know if he is being honest and I am just mistrusting or if he just feeding me a bunch of crap.  He admits to being confused and not being sure of what he wants.  I guess we are all in that situation at this point.

I just don't know how to let go of the feelings I still have for him nor do I know how to properly set up boundaries with him.  I just feel like I am always at his mercy.  I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I am week and scared and have no idea how to run my life at all.  I am so very lost.
~~~~~
Birdie, sometimes I want to comment on your blog but it won't work.  I want to tell you that I totally understand how his words crush you and I am upset that he is not kinder.  I think both you and I know that we should be stronger.  Research Toxic Shame....it might help you.  ((HUGS))

 

Rainy Wednesday

I'm struggling to keep my mood in check.  I am depressed.

so i will make a list.

1) Ramone thinks she is going to get evicted and I am at a loss as to how to handle it.  I do not want her to come live with me nor do I want to bail her our financially.
2) stepping back and taking a harder look at what JDK is doing has led me to the simple conclusion that he is merely saying things to me that he thinks I want to hear in order to keep me a good chump.  He smoozes people so they will give him what he wants.  He knows it is in his best interest to have me not working against him.
3) Kevin is so distant.  It sucks.  I miss him.  I plan to address this once he closes on the sale of his old house which I know has been very stressful for him.
4) I am disappointed in myself for not doing a better job of being positive and taking good care of myself.  I have NOT been eating, drinking or sleeping like I should.  I am still exercising, but not at the level I know would be good for me.
5) I should probably get a job and I really just don't feel up to it.  I don't think I can add that stressor to the mix.
6) I have projects all over the place that I am struggling to feel "up" enough to work on them.  All I want to do is sit in the dark alone, drink wine, and read.
7) Beanie is off school right now and I am doing my best to entertain her and enjoy our time together.  So far it has gone fairly well.  Yesterday we went to LEGOLAND which was fun, but after two hours there I started to feel panicky like I had to leave or I would blow up.  I wish I was more relaxed and easy going!
8) I am tired of being hot at night and kicking the covers off all the time.  Menopause sucks.
9) All interactions with people are hard right now.  I just don't want to have to talk to anyone.  Blah.

It is 10:15 and I will now force myself to go get dressed and run a few necessary errands on the way to the gym.  After that I plan to come home and drink wine and mope.

Crazy Week

JDK had been avoiding my new house for the past three months but finally made a comment that he should probably know my address.  Last Sunday when it was time for Beanie to come home I suggested he drop her off here at the house.  He said that would be fine.  I envisioned him pulling into the driveway, the kid jumping out and me waving from the front door.

Instead, he parked and she brought him in the house to show him her room!  I wasn't real keen on him coming in just yet but then again it would have been hard to stop her.  Luckily Kevin wasn't home because that would have been way too much all at once!  After viewing her room Beanie wanted to show him around so I gave him a quick little house tour.  He gave me a bag of her school stuff he had brought home.  He left and although he seemed a bit rattled I thought it went just fine.  He even let me keep his favorite piece of her art work which was very nice of him.

For a long time JDK has been promising Beanie he would get her a puppy.  He is not a dog person AT ALL and quite honestly I was shocked that he told her he would.  But as more time passed it occurred to me that he would probably never make good on that promise.   It is normal for him to say he will do something and then not follow through.   Seriously, I just can't see him taking on more responsibility for anything other than himself!

BUT.....last weekend JDK presented Beanie with a German Shepherd mix puppy that Roslyn had picked out for him.  Beanie is over the moon.  Me, not so much.  I kind of view it as JDK and Roslyn having their first child together.

I got to meet the new puppy Monday after work when I dropped Beanie off at his house.  It's cute and fuzzy and has icky puppy stink-breath. 

I am embarrassed to admit that the whole thing upsets me.  Still haven't gotten over the pain of feeling that he is doing all the things with her that he wouldn't do for me.  Not sure how I am going to get past this emotionally.  I am sure you are all sick of me going on about it but hey....we all know I have issue.

But it gets worse.

Tuesday Beanie told me that Roslyn works here in town.  Her house is in a town that is one hour from here.  JDK had mentioned that she had switched jobs.  Suddenly a lot of things started to fall into place.  (Like why there were 2 coffee makers on his counter.)  I texted him to confirm because sometimes the kid has her details wrong.  He responded "3 days a week". 

At the time the text came through I was just pulling into the car wash.  I was so flustered that I accidently didn't put the car in neutral like you are supposed to and about wrecked my car.  The boys working there were very pissed off at me as they had to reset the machine because it auto stops when a car jumps the tracks.  I got the car lined up and as soon as my car had vanished into the soap suds and I was out of site, I started sobbing uncontrollably.  It just hurts.  That is all I can say is it hurts.

I cried all the way through the car wash and all the way home.  I just couldn't' stop.  I knew it was upsetting to Beanie.  I don't think she understood why I was crying.  Then Friss called me.  Through my tears I told him.  We talked for a bit.  He was concerned.  He always asks me good questions trying to make me straighten out my thinking..... but I didn't have any answers.  I just felt crushed.  Well I got off the phone I hugged Beanie for the next 30 minutes.  I apologized for upsetting her.  She apologized for telling me.  I told her she didn't do anything wrong.

Tuesday night I barely slept.  I just felt anxious and upset.  Kevin thought it was just my allergies bothering me.  They have been so terrible lately that I spent all of Monday on the couch with my eyes closed!  Besides, Kevin is so preoccupied with being miserable at work he barely talks to me any more.

It's all a mess.  I know it makes no sense.  There is a huge disconnect between my heart and my head!  Why can't I just be happy?  What the hell is wrong with me?

This sucks.

Triggered

Yesterday morning, just as he was about to leave for work, Kevin said something that triggered me.    I started to cry (not sure he knew that) and went in the kitchen.  He left for work and just seemed angry at me.  Then I started to freak out a bit. 

So I cried and felt panicky. My head was churning.  The thoughts that go thru my head are things like "oh shit I am totally broken I need to be institutionalized" or "no one will ever love me why can't I just except that....I will have to or I won't be able to live." or "if things get too bad I will just have to live with my mom because I am don't have a job."  I know they are TOO much but that is what happens.

Then Friss called.  I talk to him almost every single morning for about an hour.  I discussed the situation with him and it calmed me down a lot.  The crazy extreme ideas faded as he and I focused on the particulars of the situation.

I was due to go run next and even though I was feeling too depressed to run I got dressed and headed to the trail anyway.  I knew that it would be good for me.  << proud of myself

During my 6 mile run I did  a lot of thinking.  It takes me time to sort out my thoughts and totally understand them.

Here is the thing that upset me the most.  After 8 years of living with JDK's emotional manipulation...hell, torture, I thought it would all end when I got away from HIM.  But what I am starting to see now is that if Kevin does any of the things that JDK did it still upsets me.  In fact it upsets me MORE than when JDK did it because now I can't just blame it on JDK being an asshole, now it is the super sweet nice guy turning on me, so it must be ME!

JDK, repeatedly did/said certain things that triggered me.  The more he did them the more I got used to being triggered by those things. Before him I am sure people did/said many of the same things, like the silent treatment, telling me I am tactless or disregarding my feelings and I wasn't triggered.  Before Rocco left I was much more "normal".  But what I am starting to understand now is that I am WAY more sensitive than I was before.  I feel like JDK trained me to be emotionally week.  Ugh!

After my run I texted Kevin which started a text conversation.  Without going into the details he had basically told me that I said something that was mean.  I asked him if he thought I did it on purpose and he said no.  I said well then how can you be mad at me for being mean when I was, by your own admission, not doing it on purpose.  He says "you need to think BEFORE you speak".  I responded "do you think you are the first person to ever tell me that?"

You see, I have ADD, which predisposes me to sometimes say things without thinking them through.  Classic ADD problem. I don't think this is a huge issue for me but it does happen from time to time.  Also, and I know I have told you before, I have poor social skills.  I was raised by two engineers!  My mother has ZERO social skills (in fact she may be the worst people person I have ever met) and my father had some (not an abundance) but he wasn't even around me after the age of 7. 

So yeah, I do sometimes put my foot in my mouth.  I know this.  I try not to.  I want to have better social skills.  It is a life long goal of mine that I am always working on.  I was just thinking a few days ago that really I am an introvert who desperately wants to be more of an extrovert.  I want people to like me.  I want to feel comfortable in group settings.  I want to be social and not be completely scared that I will just mess it up totally. 

My social skills have been an issue for me my whole life.  It is why I didn't have any friends in high school.  It is why I wasn't a cheerleader.  I was a math geek who lurked in the corners by myself where I couldn't say something stupid to make people hate me.

Around noon Kevin tried to call me but I was busy with a project and didn't feel like talking so I didn't pick up the phone.  Next thing I know he pulls into the driveway.  (he was out running errands for work and happen to be nearby)  I had mixed feeling about him just popping in on me.  But I guess it was for the best.  We talked....which was good.  He hates fighting.  I cried.  He told me he loves me.  He told me he loves me over and over again.  Unfortunately I need this type of reassurance.  Lucky for me he is willing to provide it.  It all worked out fine.  He truly cares about me.   We can make it.

Yet....I wish it wasn't so complicated.  I wish I was more "heeled".  Darn life.

It's Just Hair

Last night I was watching TV with Beanie and she was nagging me about getting her hair cut.   Usually, in the spring, I get the dogs hair all mowed down and I get me and The Bean a trim for summer.  We both have long, no style, just hanging there hair.  She actually has beautiful long straight hair that anyone would be jealous of.  Mine, well it is old with gray roots half the time.

Anyway, I decided to give her the instant gratification she so desired and cut her hair myself.  I mean she is a kid, how hard can it be?  She doesn't NEED a salon hair cut!  It is just a trim, no styling required.

So I put her up on a stool in the kitchen and found my best pair of scissors.

Saving the details lets just say that at some point I realized that I should stop while I was ahead and call in a professional to fix my CHOP job.  No matter what I tried it just did NOT look nice.

Really I should know better.  I have always had hair anxiety.  I have always hated my hair cuts even when done by a professional.  For some reason cutting hair stresses me out more than it should.  It always has.  All my life I would go in for a trim of my long, straight, do-nothing hair and leave the salon FREAKING OUT because, hey, getting two inches cut off is akin to going bald.

My point is I am crazy and it's not rational but hair stresses me out.

Lucky for me she was THRILLED.  She loved her hair cut; told me it was fine and didn't need fixing.  When I dropped her at school this morning she was beaming with pride as her friends all admired her new hair cut.  Her hair had been so beautifully long, about down to the top of her pants but now it is just below her shoulders.  Thankfully it grows really fast.

I left school in a panic to reach my stylist and old running buddy Terry to fix her hair ASAP!

I also phoned her dad to fill him in on the drama.  I think more than anything I was having anxiety and needed to talk to someone.  He seemed like a good target.

The hair conversation went well and he was kind and supportive and just glad I was taking care of her.  He even offered to pay for the haircut (in lieu of child support I suppose).  But that led to us talking about my personality and the things that make me tick, which of course he is now (for some reason) interested in and thinking about and actually telling me things like "I never realized how much your ADD effected our relationship" and stuff like that.

Long story short we had a very nice, very real, conversation and he seemed like a decent guy who wasn't being a manipulative jack ass.

I truly believe he is sorry for how he treated me and is trying to be a better person.  I also believe that he hasn't had a character transplant and deep down he is still selfish and manipulative.  But I do believe he is finally recognizing some of his faults and working to overcome them. 

After the professional fixed my chop job.

Hurt, Sad, Angry then Depressed

I'm back.

I ran a few errands and decided I was just feeling too mopey to actually get anything accomplished.

I am trying to get to the root of my issue.....to peal back some layers and get to a more central issue.

I think it is odd that today I feel depressed and I haven't felt depressed due to the whole Boston thing until today.  I think at first I was hurt or sad but then I channeled that into some anger which was very productive. 

Today he texts me "Since we can't change that I made you unhappy in the past and our marriage is now over....tell me what I can do now to make you happier because I really want things to be better."

This sounds so nice but it only makes me feel worse.  Why couldn't he be this way when we were married? You know back when I begged him to listen to my concerns, to understand that I wanted him to be close to me, that I needed communication and reciprocity.

Then again, even if he had said this back then he would have agreed to do "X" to make me feel better and then just proceeded on doing what ever he wanted with no intentions of doing "X" for me.  He would have just said it at the time because it sounded nice.....to sooth me and get me off his back.  Oh and he doesn't consider that lying.  I do though.

That last paragraph was good.  I tend to assume people mean what they say since that is how I think.  It is good that I thought "oh that's right, he would say something nice just to get me off his back not meaning a bit of it".  How can I forget that shit.  I just DO NOT think like that so it always boggles my mind.

Really talking to him is so stupid.  I think it is a real conversation and it isn't.  It is just a game he plays to appease me or to seem like a nice guy or to get me off his back for child support.  That is the real issue....he is just trying to distract me from child support.

GRRR

I think today my depression is more complicated than this one issue (of course).  I am sure that the central issue for me is actually feeling unloved....or unlovable.  Evidently people need to be loved. I mean I do anyway.

I know that my parents loved me in a way, but not in the way most parents do.  Not in a way that produces a well adjusted grown up.  I think my father didn't want us in the first place having already raised my older brother and sister.  And my mother was never cut out to be a mother and after she had us she didn't enjoy being a parent at all.  Then my father moved away so I was abandoned by him and then my mother resented being left all by herself to raise us and she would actually tell us that she was stuck making us happy instead of doing what ever she wanted.  She bitched about it a lot....how kids ruin your life.

Flash forward to when Rocco left and broke my heart.  At one point he told me that he never believed in a soul mate until he met me.  He seemed to really be totally in love with me and I believed him, I believed in him and I trusted him with all my heart.  When he left, my heart heard this message "see, even your soul mate doesn't love you!"  At the time I didn't realize that this was totally triggering so many of my childhood issues.  I just knew that I had never felt so depressed, rejected and lost in my whole entire life.  I wanted to die.....I wanted to die A LOT!

Eventually I set out to find a better future and a real loving relationship and all I got time after time was a pile of shit.  I got a broken foot.  I got a son in prison.  I got a jerk of a boyfriend or a shitty friend.  I got a job that sucked.  A therapist who was clueless or a psychiatrist who told me I needed meds for the rest of my life.  I kept working to move on but it seemed like the cosmic forces of the universe just didn't want me to dig out of the hole.  I was meant to be buried in some depth of hell on earth where everything was pointless and depressing.

Then, for some dumb reason when I was in my early 40's I thought menopause was kicking in until I figured out I was actually pregnant.  At the time I was completely shocked and surprised.  I mean at first it just seemed so surreal.  I, of course, told JDK right away (because that's the right thing to do) before I even think thought of all the implications.  He and I had been dating off and on and not really serious at all.  It was a super big mess.

I searched my soul and decided that the child "was meant to be!"  I mean the odds that I would conceive at my age given I had sex one time and had only days before gone off my birth control pills.  It was just too impossible.

The next step was determining how JDK (the father) would be involved in this child's life.  I wanted her to have a dad.  I wanted everything to be GOOD.  I wanted what was best.  At first he begged me to abort then begged me for adoption then basically said he would try to be a good father but he didn't want ME to be his girlfriend or wife.  I, being pregnant and hormonal just hung in there hoping for the best.  I put up with terrible bullshit from him that I really shouldn't have.  I blame those damn hormones that you produce when you are pregnant; you know the ones that make you patient enough to care for a newborn child.

Later, after Beanie was here, JDK seemed rather fond of her and I just figured it was easier to stay with him than to be a single parent.  He was moody and difficult but my other option was to be lonely and have no help so I just stuck around.  Eventually I pretty much told him that if he was going to leave me he needed to just do it.  He said he wanted to stay and that he "loved his little family".

OH YEAH....this whole time.....even before Beanie was conceived he did tell me he loved me.  I had no idea that a person could wield those 3 words around and have no real meaning behind them.
 
Friss just called and is filling me with ideas: 
Do I feel guilty for not giving him a second chance? 
Do I regret not trying harder or threatening divorce sooner as a tool to change the marriage?
Do I think he means anything he says despite all the evidence to the contrary?
Do I just let him manipulate me...same as he always has.....he always gives me the opposite of what I need?

Overwhelmed and signing off for now.

Feels Like Monday

Last night I barely slept.  My mind just WOULD NOT STOP GOING!

At one point I got up and did some internet shopping and looked for a job on line.  Shelter insurance had a job for a "Life Accountant".  What the hell is that?  There description didn't help fill in the blanks either.  Weird.

From 3-4 a.m. I just laid in bed shivering.  I rarely get cold and I thought it would pass.  I finally got up and put on some sweatpants and a sweat shirt and went back to bed.  I'm a mess!

I think some people just think too much.  I seem to think more than most people.  Sometimes it's a blessing but often it's a curse.  My mind is always churning.  I mull over so many things...too many things.  It would be impossible to even tell anyone.  I wish I had a quiet simple mind.

My cold is better.  I don't think I have a sinus infection.  I think I am on the mend.  I am so thankful.

I got up this morning and tried to get a lot done.  I was sure I would crash from lack of sleep so I got Beanie to school early, ran a few arrands and then came home to work on taxes.  I am doing Kevin and his daughters taxes two ways.  First the right way; the way the auditors would be happy with and then the way that makes them pay the least.  I think we can get away with the second way.  I have to do them both to be sure which is best.  It is a pain in the ass to do two peoples taxes each two different ways.  Especially when I don't have last years returns or all the documentation I need.  On the bright side Kevin is helpful and knowledgable so it could be so much worse.

I also researched the filing status for me and JDK.  I assumed that since we were married for more than 6 months of 2014 we should file jointly.  BUT, the IRS says if you are divorced on December 31st you should file separately.  THIS WILL PISS HIM OFF FOR SURE.  I just about had our joint return completed.  I think he will owe more when I separate them.  Ugh.

I love fighting with him......NOT.
Actually I am so sick of it I can't see straight.  I would rather have a root canal!

One of the things I thought of last night is the fact that I no longer go to his parents house so no one is taking photos of Beanie with her Grandparents.  This gives me great stress.  I don't want her photographic evidence of her relationship with her grandparents to end at 6 years old.  They are good people who love her so much and do so much for her.  I want her to have fond memories and photos to reflect on.  I have only ONE photo of me with my grandmother and it makes me so sad.  I wish there were more tangible eveidence of our relationshnip.  Beanie loves them so very much and I somehow feel that no one values that.  Her dad just drops her there and heads out to do his own thing.  When I used to go along I would take tons of photos.  I have asked her dad to take pictures but he can't be bothered to stop being selfish long enough to pull out his phone and snap some nice shots.  Asswipe!

Today I asked him for the $250 he shorted me on the house deal.  Mind you, he got a fucking unbelievable deal on that house because I am a chump and felt guilty and I moved to a super tiny place and had no choice but to leave so much behind.  Anyhow....I asked him and he got all bent out of joint and said "I will pay you but lets never speak of it again....it upsets me greatly."  I then replied "how can you be upset that you shorted me money and I didn't make a huge deal about it and now some 6 months later I really need it and I ask?"  So he ignored me.

He is the most selfish fucked up manipulative jack ass I have ever known in my life!! UGH

How did I get to be so lucky as to marry a person who didn't really love me and just used me for 8 years and basically took anything and everything he could from me. 

Sometimes I feel my life has just been a waste.  Like I was just put on this earth for others to suck the life out of me.

Wise

Friss calls me almost every day.  I tell him EVERYTHING that is going on.  I mind dump on him.  We can only talk for an hour at most but we can cover a lot in that hour.

He gives me great advice.  I mean his whole job is self awareness and improvement.  He is an expert at life (as odd as that may seem) because he has the luxury of being in therapy 24/7!

I shared with him all my concerns about Kevin.  I have shared with him all that is going on between me and JDK. 

He thinks my main issue is that Kevin and I are not openly communicating like we used to and that has me sort of triggered.  If people keep secrets from me it does turn me off and make me suspicious.  AND now all of a sudden JDK is actually trying to communicate.

Almost a role reversal!  NO wonder I am off balance.

He says I need to talk to Kevin more...........to share my concerns about money and the house and marriage.  I want to ask Kevin "hey you were gung ho to get married and now if I bring it up you brush me off, what has changed?"

For some reason I have such a hard time starting these types of conversation and when I do try to start them, I have a hard time following through if the other person doesn't jump in and openly share.  I wish I was good at probing question.  I wish I was good at making people feel open and comfortable sharing.  I know that at times I ask a question and it's the wrong one.  I know I can make people defensive.

UGH

Maybe Kevin is dodging the wedding issue because he is cooking up a surprise or something nice and I am just being paranoid.  Maybe I should be more patient and understanding.  Maybe when he bitches he is cold or hates his job he just needs a hug and to be comforted,understood.  Am I taking too much responsibility for how he feels?  How very co-dependent of me.

Oh god I wish I was better at being nurturing!

Why can't I just make up my mind or have a solid opinion of my own and not let the people around me mentally pull me around and around?

Why Can't I Just Get Over It?

Tuesday Kevin took the day off.  While I worked in the morning he did some projects around the house and when I got off work around noon we did a fast 6.5 mile run together.  He is a much faster runner than I am so I sucked wind to try and keep up.  My lungs are still not right after that cold I had last winter.  I used my inhaler but still struggled.  However, I still think it is good for me to push myself like that.

At 3:30 I picked up my daughter from school as usual.  We came home and got her homework done quickly so we could go over to Kevin's and work on the puzzle.  I was in a very good mood.

Then I mentioned that we should give her father a calendar that I had laying around.  She told me she had a puppy calendar at her Dad's house and they didn't need it.  She told me that Roslyn's MOM gave it to her.  I told her I didn't know she had gone to Roslyn's family Christmas and she said she didn't because she was with me but her Dad did.  So.....he was included in there family Christmas....they must be pretty serious for her to invite him and for him to attend the WHOLE family thing.

I am not proud of how I handled this news.  It felt like a punch in the gut.  I KNOW I shouldn't give a crap about what he does yet still it hurts.  I just can't seem to detach emotionally.  I can't seem to reconcile how he is with her and how he was with me.  I can't trust that he sucks.  Why is he so hot to get into another committed relationship when the whole time we were married he just had to fight being committed?  UGH

I then proceeded to stay home and sulk all night.  I was upset and didn't feel like doing anything.  I read Chump Lady http://www.chumplady.com/2013/06/the-fear-that-theyre-going-to-be-better-for-someone-else/ and drank beer while Beanie watched our new Simpson's DVDs.  I ate shitty food and busted my calorie count.  I just wilted.

Wednesday morning I was still in a funk and it was about 5 degrees outside so I dropped my daughter off at school, came home and moped the rest of the day.  That's right....I spent the whole day wallowing around the house doing nothing but feeling depressed and crappy.  I didn't work out.  I didn't eat right.  I SUCK!

This morning I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the barn to get a few things done.  I made it to the gym by 10:30 and did my Body Pump class.  I said hi to Sharon, my new friend at the gym.  I then ran a quick 5k on the treadmill because of the negative wind chill factors.  I felt pretty good on the treadmill and it didn't seem too awful bad.  Back home I weighed in at 136 which certainly perked me up.

I need to figure out how to stop this cycle of feeling hurt by him when he is just going about his life at this point and it has nothing to do with me.  I hate feeling that I still give him the power to emotionally crush me.

Why can't I just get over it? 

Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda and What if?

Last night I met JDK to exchange the girl.  We met at her school in the parking lot.  I pulled into the lot in the dark and sat there waiting.  For a moment I thought to myself "it's like a drug deal but instead it is my child."  The parking lot is about 1/2 between the two homes and we have done this for convenience sake.  Still, I was not in the right mood last night. 

Partly because I was passing the kid to him so he could deliver her to his parents for another 2 day visit.  I need to work today, but she could have joined me.  I have missed her and didn't want her to leave.  He was trying to free us up so we can do work or what ever we need to do.  He meant well, I just didn't want her to go.  She was excited to get back to G&G's house after spending 3 days last week including Christmas eve and Christmas Day. 

When he pulled in I grabbed the girls things from my car and flung them into his back seat, gave her a kiss and got out of there.  It seems like the less interaction I have with him the better off I am.  I am done saying anything to him about how I still struggle or hurt.  I know that is stupid and I won't do it ever again. 

I glanced at him once in the dim light.  His hair is cut nice, he had on a new sweater, he was probably spiffied up because he was headed to his girlfriends house.  She lives close to the drop off location that we use to exchange the child with G&G.  I didn't want to take in any more information so I just left quickly.

On the drive back home I told myself to put it out of my mind and I would feel better and that thinking about him AT ALL is a stupid waste of my brain space.

Back home my evening was boring but I found it hard to fall asleep.  Once I did finally nod off I had bad dreams.  I don't remember all of them because I am actively trying NOT to think about the "woulda, shoulda, coulda" or "what if" or the WHY?? of it all.   I just want him out of my head!

It is simple.  He chose to disrespect me for 8 years.  Only a shitty person would do that.  I do not care how wonderful he seems to be behaving now.  It is none of my business.

The one dream I remember was weird; they usually are strange.  In this one I was running and enjoying my run....I was running smoothly and feeling effortless but then he would get in my way and force me to cut my stride short making my run feel awkward.  You know like when the kid wants to push the shopping cart at the grocery store and it makes you crazy cause they are always in the way to where ever you want to walk.  When I told him it was bothering me and asked him to stop he got angry with me and was hurtful.....i was hurt that he was mad. 

Anyway, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to "decode" that dream.

Also, I don't have health insurance starting January 1.  The other night I had a dream there were holes in my body and insect living in them but I didn't want to go to the doctor because I couldn't afford it.  These lesions actually smelled and were oozy!  It was very real feeling and totally disgusting.  I woke up thinking to myself "my mind is a really fucked up place!"

Anyhow......I didn't get much sleep and I am not sure what to do at this point.  My mind won't freakin leave me alone. 

Totally Trggered

Typing this out on the fly so my editing etc. will no doubt suck.  Plus I am not sure what I will accomplish other than to sound like a nut job.

This week my daughter doesn't have school.  Since I am now working part time and have the luxury of making my own hours I told JDK (x#2) that I would keep Beanie Monday thru Wednesday since he probably has to work.  (I don't know if he really has to work since he is such a lying fucktard.)

I did this with the hopes of making everyone happy and enjoying a stress free week of the kid being off school and me reaping the benefits of making less money than I need to live off of so I can be a better parent and not be so rushed and spread too thin.

This morning was great.  We took our time and basically wandered by the barn (office at the nursery) when we got around to it...about 10 am.    We only stayed a few hours and my daughter was super good playing with her IPad the whole time.

When I left I call JDK to make arrangements to pass the girl off since Monday nights he keeps her.  He didn't answer.  He later phoned me and acted like I had changed things up on him and he was under the impression I had planned on keeping her Monday thru Wednesday nights and all.  (BTW he has not seen her since Saturday morning and evidently was happy to not see her again until Wednesday afternoon - asshole.)

I told him that it didn't really matter to me...... that it was up to him.  He said he missed her and would be happy to get her yet he "sounded" put out.  I got off the phone and thought to myself "why aggravate myself?" and texted him back and told him I would be happy to keep her and it would be so much easier than him picking her up on the way home only to have to drop her off again in the morning.   Via text he insisted he missed her and was happy to get her.   We left it at that.  I assumed he was coming.

Well we waited and waited and he didn't show up and then we called.  He was at home.  He didn't think I wanted him to get her.  The kid was waiting and begged him to come.  He said he would be right over.  We waited some more and he finally showed up and took her away and gave me the fuck you vibe the whole time.

I just felt walked all over.  The same old shit where he "acts" all agreeable yet somehow manages to torture me mentally.  With a smile on his face and comments like "I want us all to be happy and get along" yet somehow it feels like he is just fucking with me.  He doesn't want me to be happy he wants me to leave him alone so he will be happy.

After they left I just sat and cried and then my text message lit up and it was (of all people) X#1...........Ramone and Monster's dad.  He got more bills from student loans on the boy and is freaking out.  He wants me to solve his problems.  He wants me to be the adult so he doesn't have to.  He fucking infuriates me still to this day.

On top of that, Ramone has no phone and has not had one for a month.  Last night she posted on Facebook how hard life is and how she is happy to be out of touch by not having a phone.  I am realy worried about her but not sure what to do.  She is 19 and I think this is all about her *boyfriend* who is a total loser and a jerk. 

Meanwhile Monster's car is dead and he is walking to work.  I can't afford to buy him a car and I feel bad that he has no transportation.  He's a good kid but I can't keep taking care of everyone all the time.

Oh.......and Friss, well he is awesome but he really wants one of us to come visit him.  I want to go....I want to be there for him.  Maybe Friday....I don't think anything is gong on Friday.

At work today I paid the state sales tax late.  It costs our company over $200 in late fees.  I was only 4 days late.  It was due on the 20th but I thought I had until month end.  I feel just sick about it.  We can't afford to piss away $200!

Kevin is awesome and I am heading to his house next.  He knows I am all messed up and wants me to come and talk.  I know I will feel better after I do but part of me feels too "messed up" to even go over there.  I want to hide and feel dysfunctional where no one can see me.

JDK (x#2) told me recently he is admittedly angry and depressed that Kevin and I are planning to move in together at the end of March when my lease is up.  I didn't discuss it with him, I just got a text from him.  I am sure he is just jealous that his daughter loves a man besides himself.  After all, all the love and attention should be directed at him.......right?

I wish he didn't press my buttons so much.  I still feel really fucking angry that he is acting like a victim.   He started all this shit by not wanting to be my husband even though he willingly married me.  He is the one that had to play the "you're are not the boss of me" game for our whole relationship.  I know one day he won't have the power to dissolve me like this but at this point he still does.  In fact that is probably part of why I am upset.  I really don't want him to have any power over my feelings yet he still does.  I know he is just a POS that I shouldn't have any feeling about or for.

At the end of the day I just want to feel good about the people in my life and my relationships with those around me.   It's not a lot to ask.......is it?

But right now I just want to run the fuck away from everyone!!!!!

HOW TO TOTALLY FUCK UP TUESDAY MORNING

I was getting ready for work…..thinking about the fact that I would be meeting and training the new girl. I showered so I would smell good and made sure to brush my teeth and gargle. While I was getting ready Friss called and I tried to talk to him at the same time.

I left the house forgetting to bring my lunch…..too much on my mind.

When I pulled up to the attorney’s office I was still on the phone with the boy, why not talk as long as I could? I saw Emily, the attorney’s assistant, walk into the office, a large Starbucks drink in her hand.

Soon Husband pulled up, parked and marched into the building, very purposefully ignoring me. I signed off with the boy and shoved my glasses into my pocket and followed behind him up to the office suite.

At the top of the stairs, Emily was on the phone so we stood in awkward silence waiting. He would not make eye contact or speak to me. He was trying to push my buttons but I am pretty much immune at this point.

She got off the call and I told her we were there to sign the forms. She produced them and I signed on the line while Husband wrote me a check for $115,000…………my equity in the house.

I took the check and thought to myself how simple this tiny piece of paper seemed given its value. I carefully folded it in half and then half again and placed it in my jacket pocket.

Emily made a copy of the quit claim deed and we headed for the door. Still no talking….no he was mad at me because he saw Kevin leaving my house Sunday afternoon when he was about to drop off our daughter.

Back in the car I checked my phone and texted Julia back. I started to drive to work and thought to call Husband’s mom regarding some future plans that he was somewhat elusive (as normal) about.

Grandma and I had a nice chat and then I decided to stop at McDonalds for a coffee and a pee on the way to work. Have I told you how the nursery has only an outhouse for a restroom which is currently at the bottom of a hill and surrounded by mud thanks to days and days of rain?

When I got to McDonalds I shoved a few dollars in my pocket and headed for the restroom. Then I went to the counter and ordered a coffee and paid with cash. I proceeded to the car where I called Kevin to update him on how it was all going. I was feeling accomplished for finally settling this last matter with the X. I was not even feeling bad about the fact I would be about 5 minutes late to work.

Then I decided to put the BIG check in safe place since I didn’t have time to go to the bank. I reached in my pocket to find NOTHING THERE!!!! The check was not in my pocket!!!! I checked the other pocket, maybe I was just on the wrong side, but, NO FUCKING CHECK!!

Slow down, calm down, it must be here. I felt the pockets again, nothing. Wait, try again it has to be there…..NO THE POCKETS ARE EMPTY!!! Then I checked in the pocket of the door where I had put my driver’s license after I left the attorney’s office. No, no check there.

Maybe I shoved it in my purse with the left over cash from my coffee. I’m now rooting in the bag as I near work. Still nothing. Panic is setting in so I pull over. Surely it fell off my lap onto the floor or is under my seat. Stupid car loves to eat important shit to taunt me. (Remember the missing key?)

Still nothing and the panic is increasing. Dig some more it has to be here. How could I lose $115,000? HOW COULD I LOSE A CHECK FOR $115,000?!?!?!?!

Maybe it fell out at McDonald’s????

 I drive to work because I know I am late and the new girl, Pam, is probably waiting on me. I park in the mud and start trudging to my barn and see Jacob my boss. One look at me and he says “do you need to NOT be here today?” I tell him I lost a check for $115,000 and I am not even joking; that I need to go back to McDonalds and see if it is there. He tells me to go, cause he is so awesome like that. I leave as I fight back the tears and start beating myself up for being so fucking stupid.

Self-talk at this point is a new all-time low!!!

I start to think that I need to call the X and have him do a stop pay….I need to tell him what is going on. I am crying and upset and in a panic so I phone him a bit prematurely in hindsight.

I sob to him on the phone “I lost the check, I FUCKING already lost the check. I stuck it in my pocket and then I had to pee so I got coffee and now it is gone! I am headed back to search for it.” He was not kind but he was not a jerk. He knew I was in panic so he was *contained*.

Back at the restaurant I searched the parking lot as the rain poured down on me. Nothing but an old napkin and a soggy receipt.

Maybe it was inside? I headed in searching the floor with lazar focus. I check the bathroom stall and still nothing. Then to the counter. “Did anyone turn in a lost check?” The clerk looked at me confused. I held up my hands to form a small rectangle and said “a personal bank check made out to me”….she said no and assumed I was crazy. I went back outside and looked around the parking lot some more. Still nothing. By now I am soaking wet and I don’t care at all.

I call the Husband back and sob that it is really gone. I tell him if he has the check number he must do a stop pay ASAP. He says to calm down and that it will show up and I tell him NO you must do a stop pay…I will pay for it. Call the bank. He then, unbeknownst to me, he leaves to go the bank.

I drive back to the office just balling my eyes out and in total disbelief that I could be so fucking stupid. I pull back in the nursery and think to call Husband again and beg for a new check today. The sooner I get another check the sooner we can all forget that this happened. Back on the phone he says “no, I don’t have time, maybe tomorrow or the next day.” SO I FREAK OUT cause I want to fix this so bad and make the problem disappear. I need a new check today. He says to call him later. I sign off just as the phone rings.

EMILY

My phone shows that Emily is calling. That is the attorneys’ assistant.

I answer, still sobbing, and she indicates that they found the check and I sob with gratitude and relief. I quickly call husband and tell him I found the check. He grumbles that he will turn his car around and go back to work…like he is so put out by me and I am such a pain in his ass. I actively try to not let his attitude affect me and I head into the office to train that new girl!

Clarity

Yesterday I woke up at 5 am and tried to get a bunch of things done. I became very frustrated when everything I tried to do didn't work out. I talked to Kevin on the phone and he soothed me and was very kind and supportive.

Then, while I was delivering the Bean to school, he stopped by and fixed her clock for me. I didn't ask him to do this, he just did it on his way to work because he knew it was one of the things that I was stressing over.

Next, when my first attempt to get Ramone's new car inspected failed, he fixed me up with a friend and got me in right away. Car was passed but I was advised it needed new tires and wiper blades. I am sure the other auto shop would have failed it and tried to sell me on the fixes.

After the inspection I told him I needed to buy tires so he made some phone calls and hooked me up with a super deal. After work he also took me to Walmart to purchase wiper blades.

I thanked him a lot and declared him my hero once again. He told me he was just being a good person, doing the right thing and it was not a big deal. He said I would do the same for him.  (I would.)

It feels so nice to have someone take care of me and help me in life.  I really have spent my whole life helping others and this is such a refreshing change.

Later I e-mailed my attorney and asked for the next available court date.

I really do count my blessings every day and feel grateful to have such a wonderful, kind caring man in my life. There has always been a shortage of such men for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning I was talking with Friss and he was asking my WHY I finally found it in myself to leave my husband after years of being neglected, disrespected and taken for granted.

I thought for a moment and told him the first three things I could think of:
1) after Pop died I finally realized that I wasn't just raised with some lingering issues I was raised in an abusive situation that has left me with many mental scars. I am more aware than I used to be of the lifelong issues of self esteem that I need to address.  I guess I am understanding myself more than I used to.
2) Talking to Kevin on a regular bases helped me to realize that my thought processes where often off base.....that I was too accepting of mistreatment and too quick to doubt my gut instincts.  In a way he has been my therapist and is around all day every day to assist when I might need advise.   I am sure a "real" once a week therapist could not be as effective if for no other reason, time constraints.
3) Reading Chumplady every day really has helped me to find my MIGHTY and feel better about being strong instead of being a chump. I know that sounds odd but her delivery method of self esteem/ self help works for me. It is like group therapy that I can participate it at any moment I need it. I find myself going to her blog after I talk to my STBX just so I can regroup and feel "level" again.

In the final analysis I know I haven't always proceeded in the most eloquent fashion in the past year, but I have managed to make some much needed changes for the better in my life.

I finally feel like I am headed in the right direction after almost 14 years of searching for some answers to why my life exploded and I could not find the ground again.  I think I am finally starting to figure out some of the answers.


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this blog entry from the new home computer.  It has been a pain in my ass but the keyboard ROCKS!

Worst Run Of My Life

I have to say....I did not see this one coming!

Yesterday Husband and I left the paper signing up in the air.  He said "lets think about it over night and we can decide in the morning".  To which I agreed.

Last night I did my 25 mile bike ride with Meghan and Kevin and then slept fine.  This morning when I got up to go run I still had not made up my mind about the signing.  I just figured I could stew on it until the last minute as I knew Husband was dropping our daughter at school at 8 am and I had until then to decide.

While on my morning run I catch my running partner Meghan up on what is going on.  As I talked to her I was really short of breathe.  This has happened before and I didn't know why, but now I realize it is only when I talk about Husband and the divorce.

As the run progresses I struggle more and more.  I tell her I think I am actually having so much stress and anxiety lately that it is physically effecting me.  I mean last fall I was running about 6 miles at a 9 minute pace.  Today I struggled to keep it under 10!!

At some point she says "just sign the papers and move on....this is driving you crazy" and I think she is right, I just need to call him and sign the papers today and get it over with.  And then I stopped running.  I couldn't really move forward.  I didn't do it on purpose my body just stopped.  I regrouped and started again.  Thinking to myself I remembered how relieved I was when I finally moved out and then I thought surely once the papers are signed I will again be relived.  SO I then think again "YES I will sign them today" and I stop running.  Stand there and feel incapable of running.  My body is aching head to toe.  I can't breath and my legs are lead.  I'm gasping for air and I feel faint.  I lean over and hope I don't pass out.  I try to control my breathing but I can't.

We start running again but I am really holding her back so I tell her to go on and she does.  I have about 2 miles to go and now I am alone.  I keep thinking about the papers and I stuggle to run at all.  "I KNOW I need to sign them."  I stop again and bust out crying.

Why is this so hard!?!?!?!  WHY am I so week.  I am an emotional cripple.  I can't stand up for myself.  Husband has proven over and over again that he is a selfish liar.  I don't want him back yet I still feel like I am giving up.  Like I am a loser.  Like I should have tried harder.  Like if there is any chance I cant walk away from it.

Then I mull over the whole idea of actually working on our marriage and I KNOW that won't work so I need to sign the papers.  I just cry and cry.

I finally get back to the parking lot but I can't talk at all.  I feel like I am going to faint again.  I catch my breath and make it to my car.

This is so stupid!

Moving Delayed and Reflecting on My Life

My move has been pushed back to Monday the 17th. To say I can’t wait is an understatement. Even Husband said he is looking forward to it so we get out of this “limbo” we are currently in.

This last week Husband has been fairly agreeable and happy. He says he finally realized that fussing and fuming wasn’t changing anything, in fact it was just making everyone needlessly tense and upset. I am happy that he is smart enough to realize that. It is actually smart of him because if he was to save our marriage (something he still brings up regularly) being nice, not mean, would be the best plan.

KP is out of town this week on a business trip. I sure do miss him. I have volunteered to take Beanie every single day after school, and that, no doubt, is helping to keep the Husband’s mood elevated.

Lately, I do a lot of reflecting on my relationships over the past few years. I keep noticing all these little things that KP does that show me he respects and values me and then I think of all the times I let Husband or Uwe (and others before them) treat me like crap and not show me the proper respect.

Uwe’s birthday was the other day so I messaged him birthday wishes along with mentioning that I am sorry we are no longer friends. He replied back with something snide and ugly. Rather than feeling hurt or offended (the old me) I just thought to myself “man he is not the type of person I want to be friends with…I can do so much better!”

One of my focuses going forward is to always be aware of the level of respect I am “demanding” from those around me. I know that I have put up with crappy treatment way to much in my life and I need to end that cycle. I need to weed out the people that take from me and don’t give anything back. I need to set the bar higher for entrance into my heart.

I have also noticed how having a person treat me with respect and kindness makes the whole world seem like a nicer place. Every single day, everything I do just seems better. I have more energy and
more optimism than I have had in over 14 years!

I had a therapist many years ago that told me all I needed to do to feel better was to find a healthy relationship and I would be fine. I thought he was oversimplifying things. But, in a way he was right.

I also had a therapist many years ago who told me I need to be happy (or at least optimistic) even when life is not perfect or throws me a curve ball. Basically her theory was that your goal should be to make the best of what you have rather than chasing a dream. I know she has a valid point (in a way) but at the same time, you have to know when a situation is bad for you and GET OUT OF IT if at all possible.

I think over the past 14 years I have made two big mistakes in my thinking:

1) That changing my attitude was more important than changing my situation. In other words, many will tell you that “you are only as happy as you want to be. So be happy and the rest will fall into place.” FALSE – people around you can bring you down. Bad relationships are destructive. You can’t fix many problems by changing your “mind” about them. Sometimes you need to just realize that, living with a slob or a negative introvert is NOT healthy to your well-being and get the hell away from them.

2) That there will be a miracle cure or a pivotal moment that will change things dramatically. I know I have heard people exclaim how finding God changed their lives or life is such a gift now that they are sober or even the ones who say “see a good therapist to fix X or Y”. But here’s the thing….I have tried EVERYTHING thinking that each might be the magic key that was going to make things change. I have searched and searched for the “answer” to my problems. In the end I have decided that having been raised in an abusive situation and suffering from ADHD are things that affect me EVERY single day of my life and I will always have to be aware of them and work to keep their impact on me under control. I will never wake up one day and be cured. The best I can hope for is the energy and foresight to make the best of who I am and to except that I may not be who I want to be and that is OK.

Lastly I have to say that setting out to find friends who know the real me and accept me for who I am is key to all this. I think in the past I always felt it was important to be perfect or hide my dark secrets so people would like me. NOW I am trying to have the attitude that…. hey I am flawed (we all are actually) and if you don’t like my flaws then you can stay the fuck away from me! In other words take me for who I am, the good the bad and the ugly or don’t take me at all AND I really don't care if you choose not to take me because there will be others who will.

I admit KP has done many things to make me realize all of the above. He seems too actually like things about me that many people have told me they dislike. It is so damn refreshing to have this acceptance and it makes me aware that other people could accept me too; that I am not such a pathetic, old, mentally ill person that I have no value.

I guess KP got my self esteem ball rolling and now I am running with it.  I am working hard to get my attitude set in the right direction and then KEEP IT THERE.  I am not going to let petty, selfish people drag me down and trigger me into a depression anymore. 

Reading Chump Lady has helped too! seriously she has helped wake me up to how I thought I was being nice but I was just being a doormat.  When I feel weak I read some more and gather a little personal strength from her.

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I probably won’t be able to post much for the next few weeks; work is busy, moving and taxes need to be done, not to mention I am swamped with multisport club accounting that I have NO TIME FOR. I am just hoping I can actually get it all done with a reasonable degree of accuracy!!  Wish me luck.

Broken?

One of my blog friends recently posted This POST.

As I read it I thought "wow I could have written this almost word for word!"  and I also thought "I guess I am not the only one"  and then I thought "too bad that there seems no way to fix this".

I have felt this way very often (mostly) over the last 12 years.  I have never had any luck changing it.  I have tried just about everything known to mankind.  I don't have any answers.

Maybe some of us are just broken and that is who we are and we have to just live like that???

I am trying to just be more accepting (of everything and everyone) and make the best of it.  I am tired of trying to get better or change, or recover or be normal.  I will just be me and if anyone feels they can stand me then they are cool in my book.

The Fun Never Stops

Yesterday (Monday) morning I took my 6 year old to work with me. Her school takes off the whole week of Thanksgiving. At noon we went home, I fed her lunch and then we laid down so she would take a nap. Right on queue her father arrived at 1 pm and I left him in charge of sleeping beauty and returned to work. After work I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few items and headed home. When I got there both of them were gone. I assumed they went to the gym so he could work out.  I also assumed they would be home shortly.

By 8 they were still not home and I was bored silly sitting there by myself. I dozed off watching Antique Road Show on PBS. If I had known they would not be home all evening I would have left and gone shopping or visited friends or something! I absolutely hate “wasting” my time sitting around the house alone waiting.

Why didn’t I call him you wonder? Well I would have but he rarely if ever answers the phone. I just don’t call anymore after getting his voice mail 99% of the time over the past 7 years. He never calls me either….some sort of unwritten rule?!?!

Reflecting more….if I had called and he had answered the phone and I had asked where he was, he would have rushed home to dump the kid on me anyway and then he would have scooted off to do his own selfish thing. So I guess that is really why I didn’t call.

They finally got home at 9 and I tried to watch the news with a squirming kid in bed with me. She finally fell asleep around 10 and I transferred her to her bed. Husband was fast asleep so I went right back to sleep. Around 11 I was awakened by the sound of him getting up for a snack. This is not unusual for him.

Then over the next few hours, he woke me more than once from a fairly sound sleep by “convulsing” in bed. I am not sure what he was doing; adjusting his pillows, rolling over, pouting? I have no idea. All I know is that the bed jerks violently and it wakes me up. Since I am a middle aged woman falling back to sleep is not always easy. Eventually I retreated to my basement bed so I could sleep.

Never in my life did I think I would be the one to run and sleep in another room. Historically I am the cozy sleeper who WANTS to cuddle all night long. Usually just feeling that person next to me makes me happy. Hearing him breath is usually a sound that gives me peace and comfort. Once I dated a guy that was a big snorer and I toughed it out and stayed in bed to be with him. BUT now, here I am, happy to go to my own bed. It’s so sad really.

My point is this: I try to be a good wife and mother but it always seems that I am fighting an uphill battle. This all just seems wrong to me on every level. I want a normal relationship where THIS is not how my typical Monday night goes.

==============================


This morning I go to the 5:30 morning run. It’s what I do EVERY Tuesday morning. I had already decided I was only going to run 4 miles because I needed to get home and let hubby go to the gym.  

I get to the run and as we are all gathering I say hi to Tater. Then Uwe walks up and pets my dog. (My dog and Uwe are in love with each other in some really perverse and deep way.)

Next I am standing there just waiting for my running buddy Meghan to show up and not really paying attention to Uwe (you know why) and I hear Uwe tell Tater “oh yeah…we are spinning every Monday night. Didn’t you get the e-mail? I am sure you were on the list.”

Let me explain: I belong to a multisport club. This is my primary social activity. There are supposed to be group activities that everyone is invited to but instead the club tends to break into clicks. Well, I WAS in the same “click” as Tater and Uwe until Uwe decided to be a dick to me.

I heard this and it totally triggered me. I walked over and said to the both of them in a rather pissed off voice. “I didn’t know there was a group spinning deal every Monday….guess I was not invited…thanks for nothing!!” I then turned and walked off. Uwe yelled after me that it was only for the Iron Man training people. I just started running out front of the group. FUCK THEM ALL.

So I didn’t sign up for an Iron man because:
a) I have a life
b) I have a family
c) I don’t need to be an IM to feel I am important, etc. BUT…I would really like to think my friends might include me in there indoor biking fun. Then again I am not surprised. He basically pushed me out of the group all summer so I am just not in like I used to be.

(doesn’t all this shit sound like junior high bullshit!?!?!)

It also pissed me off extra bad because, last winter AND the winter before I wanted to do a spinning thing at Uwe’s house because it is centrally located and he has a lot of room in his large finished basement of his split level home. I even bought a DVD player so we could set it up. He was on board BUT then he balked at the whole deal so it never happened. I think he was just being lazy. NOW that I am not around, they are all congregating at his place and not telling me shit about it.

Obviously still hurt by his rejection and the bigger picture is still working on self-esteem issues where being needed and belonging will not be so important to me.

I wouldn’t go to his house anyway so why do I bother to get my feathers ruffled?

My first mile of that run was really fast (stress can be a great motivator) but almost as soon as I got out on the dark trail alone I regretted my outburst and felt stupid. I am really sick of feeling like my life is just out of control!

What is on my mind today?

I'm a list maker:

1) I am wondering how Uwe is doing. We are not talking to each other which is good because he can’t hurl insults at me but I still worry about him.  A few weeks ago he injured his arm and had surgery and I wish I could just ask him how he is. I can’t turn off my emotions just because I should. I still miss my old friend even though I know that he is gone now and has been replaced by a skinny mean person…at least to me he is.

2) Sparing you the details about why this is on my mind…..I feel like my husband doesn’t even think about me until his penis reminds him to. And even then, unlike a date that gets wined and dined for a piece of ass, all I get is a groping or a hug at best. New flash men…the way into a woman’s pants is through her head!

3) Friss still has not called. I don’t know when he will be able to call. I hate not being able to talk to him. I have been trying to mail him letters as much as I can.

4) I got on the scale this morning. Between Halloween and my NYC trip I put on 3 or 4 pounds. NOT GOOD. Time to go back to counting calories and starving which is just no fun at all.

5) As much as I enjoy KP and we seem to be getting along great (why can’t I just relax and enjoy the present?) I can’t help but think, way too often, about how all people are nice in the beginning and this will all blow up and be terrible in the end. He will most certainly turn into a jerk like all the rest. I have no optimism.

6) Cash flow at work is getting worse by the minute. I wish I could just walk away without finding another job. I haven’t seen anything worth even applying for in months which is so depressing.

7) This morning’s run was kind of crappy. My legs have been sore. The whole summer of workouts was crappy. I know, to some extent, my mental state is dragging me down physically. That and old age is no doubt getting me more lately. I am pushing 50. Oh and I don’t have a gym right now so I have not been lifting weights at all. I would rush out and get a gym membership but there is nothing available that suits my need and is in my price range.

8) Made an appointment with a new Therapist named Sara. I go on December 5th which seems so far away. I am desperate for someone to help me. Why can’t the so called “experts” fix this? I assume this new one will be no better than those before her. I have seen a total of 5 therapists and so far none have done much. I mean George helped me figure some stuff out but really, considering the amount of time and money spent, therapy sucks.

9) My dog still has fleas. I tried all kinds of things. I have called the vet (again). I have talked to some breeders. I am almost out of ideas. The whole thing is so frustrating because this dog usually goes everywhere with me. So there are fleas in my car, fleas in my office, fleas in my yard and house. How can I ever get this under control!? And how did it get out of control. I use Frontline as directed EVERY month.

10) A few weeks ago I was in a minor car accident. I was making a left out of Beanie’s school (she was not in the car) and a car popped up over the hill going too fast and clipped my rear end. My car is dented and scratched but I am hoping it is nothing too serious or costly to fix. I need to get it looked at but have not been able to find the time. It makes me sad that my 10 month old car has already been hit.

11) My six year old daughter is spoiled rotten. We try very hard not to spoil her but it seems like just being kind and courteous to her feeds her desire to be a raving, demanding bitch. I love her like crazy but I am so tired of arguing with her EVEN when I am giving her what she is asking for!

I feel like my life is nothing more than a list of complaints. I suppose I should make a list of all the wonderful things I can think of to offset the above.

Here ya go………..

The sun is out. I can still fit in my clothes. I can afford new (full price) running shoes. I was lucky the car accident was so minor.

Last night Beanie was reading to me. I am amazed at how well she had learned to sound out words. She knows most 2 letter words and she can sound out most three letter words. Pretty impressive for a kindergarten I think. Glad she is so smart.

Ramone and Monster have been pretty good lately.  In fact, Monster has a new girlfriend that I really like. I friended her on Facebook and she seems very normal and pretty. 

Lastly I am grateful that my inattentive husband who never wants to spend time with me lets me go out two nights a week and have some sort of social life otherwise I would go completely out of my mind!

Today in George's Office

George says "[my name], you are a very VERY analytic person but you need to understand that you can’t fix your emotional problems with cognitive activities. You can’t logic your way into being a more emotionally sound person. It is like trying to clean the inside of your house while you are outdoors. Emotional issues are dealt with on a different level. You have to feel them, not think about them."

My response “well that makes sense.”

...............And we laughed!!

Down the Rabbit Hole

The other day I was thinking about how I am stuck right now in this middle ground. A nowhere land that everything is fucked up. A dark corner that only I, with my gift for fucking up my own life, could have possibly backed myself into. Yes I have a knack for just doing everything wrong and making my life a living hell even when each step of the way I try so damn hard to do the right thing and make good choices and live a loving, decent, caring life. How does someone have such good intentions yet end up doing such a poor job?

On one side of me stands a dysfunctional marriage that should I leave it would be a long (months if not years) and painful task (am I even strong enough to go through with it?) and result in me shuttling my sweet baby girl back and forth between two homes for the next 10 years. Heartbreaking. Not to mention the sense of failure, once again, for not making a good choice on who to marry; for not making it work.

On the other side I have the potential for what might be a REAL loving and happy relationship but it is really too far out of reach at this point. It can’t be real for a long time and there is no guarantee that it will ever be real. The longer it goes on like this the more I worry it is just going to implode because, let’s be honest here, there is just TOO MUCH garbage between me and the reality of a true life with KP.

I don't want to hurt anyone!

So what do I do? I cry, and hate myself and want to hide from the world and run away from myself. Why can’t I just disappear? I want to call in sick to work and get a bottle of wine and just stay home and cry and drink until I can’t feel anything. I hate my life so much it hurts (or maybe I hurt so bad I hate myself) and I have only myself to blame for how my life is now. I got myself into this, no one else did. There is no good solution. All directions will suck. I have to chop off one arm or the other!!

It all feels so fucking hopeless and ridiculous and I can barely stand IT.

THEN…KP calls….I tell him exactly what I am thinking.  He listens with patience and wisdom.  He tells me not to worry, to quit hating myself because that serves no good purpose. That is does nothing to make things better for anyone. He tells me to think about what will make me happy; to focus on the future and how I can make the future a better situation. He is so damn supportive and kind and positive that I suddenly feel foolish for having headed down the rabbit hole of self-loathing. I promise him I will go to work and not be self-destructive.

So I go to work and feel better and realize I can take this one day at a time and the world won’t end and I will survive and who knows, maybe tomorrow a solution will come to me and it will all work out for the best.

Why can’t I talk myself out of the rabbit hole? Why do I need him to help me?